Crap That No One Wanted/Quotes

Quotes

Comic Book Guy: Greetings, loyal reader. While doing my annual inventory fumigation, I was reminded of some of the Bongo Comic Publications that gave graced my racks for only one issue. Some were called "limited runs," others "special edition," still others "one-offs." Around my store they go by a simpler name... ...Crap That No One Wanted.

Comic Book Guy: This comic was given to kids who agreed to sneak into polling places and vote for Mayor Quimby during his last reelection campaign. According to unreliable family legend, Josephus Fitzgerald Quimby was born in a log cabin, which he himself helped his family build. Even as a school boy, Joe was an astute campaigner, becoming student council president with more than 2,000 votes in a school with only 695 students. Yet, when duty called, he volunteered for combat duty and saw action on two fronts, according to a story he tells. His feats of bravery are all the more astonishing since there was no war being fought at the time. After returning home, Joe found that the deafening sounds of combat were replaced by the click of a shotgun hammer and the peal of wedding bells. But civic duty soon called, and Joe left his cushy job at the mob-owned Springfield Dog Track for a cushy sear on the mob-owned Springfield City Council.

Grampa: We didn't have microwave ovens, or TV/VCR/DVD combos, or the Internet, or sexual performance enhancement pills, or Christina Aguilera videos, or thong bathing suits, or... Life is good.

Hans Moleman: I'll say.

Jasper Beardsley: Amen, brother.

Maggie: [thinking] It is the opinion of independent auditors Andrew Arthursen, LLP that these financial statements are in conformity with generally accepted accounting principles.