The Man of the House/Quotes

Quotes

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[One fine day at the Wiggum house ...]

Clancy: Daddy has to run out for just a minute, Ralphie. You're in charge 'til I get back. Okay?

Ralph: Yes, Daddy!

Clancy: I won't be gone long, son.

Ralph: Okay, Daddy!

[Clancy leaves. Ralph shuts the door.]

Ralph: That makes me the man of the house! I'm just like Daddy now, 'cept I'm smaller and my pants are wetter.

[Ralph realizes that certain responsibilities go with his new status.]

Ralph: First, I must secure the perimeter! [He locks and bolts the front door.]

[Ralph walks into the kitchen.]

Ralph: Now, it's time for a man of the house meal! [asserting his authority] Okay, kitchen ... I'm the boss of you now! That goes for you too, Mr. Fridgergator!

[Ralph walks to the coffeemaker.]

Ralph: I'll make a pot of coffee like the grown-up men drink!

[Ralph gets a vase with flowers.]

Ralph: First, you add water. [He pours the water from the vase into the coffeemaker's water reservoir.]

Ralph: Then, you add the coffee peanuts. [[He pours in an entire can of coffee.]

[Ralph next pours in a jug of milk and a bag of sugar.]

Ralph: Daddy likes his coffee with cream and sugar!

[Ralph takes the coffeemaker to the stove. Behind him, the kitchen is already a mess.]

Ralph: And now, you put it in the cooking machine.

[Ralph puts the coffeemaker into the oven and sets the temperature to 500 degrees.]

[With the coffee attended to, Ralph next turns his attention to food.]

Ralph: [spying the toaster on the counter] Now I'll make some instant toaster waffles!

[He goes to the refrigerator, takes out a jug of milk and a dozen eggs, and puts them on the counter next to the toaster.]

Ralph: [singing] I am the egg man! I am the milkman! I am the waffle! Koo koo kachoo!

[Ralph pours in the milk]

Ralph: First, you add milk...

[Ralph then cracks eggs over the toaster]

Ralph: ... And then some easter bunny eggs... Eww. My waffles are getting soggy in there. I need to add some flowers.

[Ralph attempts to get flour, but falls and the flour is all over him]

Ralph: [enjoying the flour] Wheee! I'm fairy-dusted! :[smelling coffee] Mmm... smell that fresh roasted coffee! :[smoke fills the room]

[Ralph looks at the mess on the floor]

Ralph: Uh-oh. I made a mess! Daddy will be mad! This looks like a job for my friend, Mighty Mop!

[Ralph goes into the broom closet and picks it up]

Ralph: Gee, your hair smells terrific!

[Ralph starts mopping]

Ralph: Tra la la. I feel like I'm in a movie and soon I'll turn into a beautiful princess!

[The mop breaks and is all filled with water]

Ralph: Oh, just look at yourself, Mighty Mop! You need a shampoo! I'll give you a special swirly shampoo, like the ones I get from my friends at school!

[Ralph puts the mop in the toilet and starts flushing it]

Ralph: Uh-oh. Mighty mop is wetting himself. He needs to put on a pair of my "I'm a Big Boy Now" diapers.

[Smoke alarms go off throughout the house]

Ralph: Don't be alarmed, Mr. Smokey Detector! It's just me... Ralph!

[Ralph walks into his room, as water starts to fill from the toilet]

Ralph: I forgot why I came in here for. [looks at the toy boat and starts singing] Toy boat! Toy boat! Toy boat! Sailing, sailing, over the pounding brain!

[Someone knocks on the front door]

Ralph: I think someone's knocking at the front door!

[Someone smashes the front door with an axe]

Ralph: [looks at the fireman madly] Bad man! You broke and entered! Daddy's gonna put you in the jail house!

Ralph: [outside, as the firemen try to put out the fire] I made coffee and toaster waffles for everyone!

Clancy: I can't understand it! I only went out to the driveway to get the newspaper!