Willie and the Weasels/Quotes
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- Bart: Cool! We didn't know you played the drums, Willie.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Och, to be sure! When I was a wee lad back in Scotland, I was in a band called The Weasels!
- Bart: Huh?
- Willie: What's the matter with ye milk-guzzlin', culture-thievin', little suburbanites? Have ye never heard of the famous Weasels?
- Martin Prince: Of course! Everyone's heard of the Weasels! They led the Scottish Invasion. Pop music's g-r-r-rooviest era, which ultimately crashed and burned upon the disastrous critical reception of the Bay City Rollers.
- Willie: Right ye are, lad. And your own Willie was a Weasel. Och! We was fab!
- Willie: [narrating] We had Duncan McGregor on the bass guitar...
- Duncan McGregor: I'm the wily, wheedling weasel!
- Willie: [narrating] Angus McDuff on lead guitar...
- Angus McDuff: I'm the weak, wimpy weasel!
- Willie: [narrating] Geordie McIntyre on the bagpipes...
- Geordie McIntyre: I'm the weird, wheezy weasel!
- Willie: [narrating] And me, wee Willie, on the drums.
- Willie: I'm the wise, witty weasel!
- Willie: [narrating] Och! But my fashion sense and charisma was my undoing. You see, all the lassies were mad for me. I averaged over 800 marriage proposals a day! I'd shake my head and go 'Woooooo,' and the bonnie girls would scream and throw haggis up on the stage. The other Weasels couldn't stand it. Jealous they were of me good looks and fierce way with a snare drum. And so, whilst on our first trip to America, they ditched me here in Springfield and replaced me with some Liverpudlian idiot. 'Blingo' they called him, because of all the jewelry he wore.
- Willie: And that's how I came to live in your fair city.
- Martin: An epic tale of fame, fortune, and betrayal!
- Milhouse Van Houten: Wow! You were kicked out of the greatest, most popular band of all time!
- Bart: Those Weasels were real weasels, Willie! No wonder you're so bitter.
- Willie: Bitter? Not me! Nae. I'll tell you who's bitter... my former band mate, Sir Duncan McGregor, the richest man in Scotland. I've had a rich and varied life while Sir Duncan's been stuck singing me love's in the loo for the last thirty-somethin' years.
