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Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card.jpg

Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card is a set of three cards with excuses that Homer provides to avoid various obligations. The cards are included in Homer Simpson's Little Book of Laziness, in a pocket inside the rear cover.

Excuses Card[edit]

Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay[edit]

  1. That's not really in my wheelhouse.
  2. I would, but I'm allergic to (something having to do with the request).
  3. I've been diagnosed with halitosis.
  4. I have a herniated ass bone.
  5. Today is a religious holiday, the feast of the Somnambulant intermission.
  6. Amazing! My horoscope warned me against doing this very thing!
  7. I'm supposed to do a favor for the pope that day.
  8. My boss considers that moonlighting, even if I don't get paid to do it.
  9. I sprained my uterus.
  10. Sure, but first my lawyer requires that you sign a form releasing me from all responsibility. He should be in touch with you in a week or two.

Family duties such as reading a bedtime story, helping with the dishes, or attending a parent-teacher conference[edit]

  1. I would gladly do this, but I have temporary amnesia. What was the question again?
  2. I read a report that says successful parents/spouses should never do (whatever the duty is).
  3. I have the heartbreak of psoriasis.
  4. It's that time of the month.
  5. I have a braineurism.
  6. I'm afraid that's above my pay grade.
  7. I have iron-poor blood.
  8. I need to spend some quality time with the dog, and the dog wants to watch TV.
  9. I believe it takes a village to do that.
  10. Remember the old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself!

Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people[edit]

  1. After that tragic incident that last time, I promised my wife/husband/Self I would never (whatever the requested favor is) again!
  2. An old foosball injury is flaring up.
  3. I just had hangnail surgery.
  4. I have temporary blindness.
  5. I already committed to a barn-raising in amish country that day.
  6. I'm politically opposed to (whatever the request is).
  7. (Performing the requested task) is against my religion.
  8. I must warn you, I have tourette's syndrome, you @$$#O!!%!
  9. You have mistaken me for my evil twin.
  10. I'd love to, but in case I don't show up, I'ts because my car broke down.