Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card

Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card is a set of three cards with excuses that Homer provides to avoid various obligations. The cards are included in Homer Simpson's Little Book of Laziness, in a pocket inside the rear cover.

Excuses Card

Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay

1. That's not really in my wheelhouse.
2. I would, but I'm allergic to (something having to do with the request).
3. I've been diagnosed with halitosis.
4. I have a herniated ass bone.
5. Today is a religious holiday, the feast of the Somnambulant intermission.
6. Amazing! My horoscope warned me against doing this very thing!
7. I'm supposed to do a favor for the pope that day.
8. My boss considers that moonlighting, even if I don't get paid to do it.
9. I sprained my uterus.
10. Sure, but first my lawyer requires that you sign a form releasing me from all responsibility. He should be in touch with you in a week or two.

Family duties such as reading a bedtime story, helping with the dishes, or attending a parent-teacher conference

1. I would gladly do this, but I have temporary amnesia. What was the question again?
2. I read a report that says successful parents/spouses should never do (whatever the duty is).
3. I have the heartbreak of psoriasis.
4. It's that time of the month.
5. I have a braineurism.
6. I'm afraid that's above my pay grade.
7. I have iron-poor blood.
8. I need to spend some quality time with the dog, and the dog wants to watch TV.
9. I believe it takes a village to do that.
10. Remember the old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself!

Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people

1. After that tragic incident that last time, I promised my wife/husband/Self I would never (whatever the requested favor is) again!
2. An old foosball injury is flaring up.
3. I just had hangnail surgery.
4. I have temporary blindness.
5. I already committed to a barn-raising in amish country that day.
6. I'm politically opposed to (whatever the request is).
7. (Performing the requested task) is against my religion.
8. I must warn you, I have tourette's syndrome, you @$$#O!!%!
9. You have mistaken me for my evil twin.
10. I'd love to, but in case I don't show up, I'ts because my car broke down.