Homer's Colonoscopy/Quotes

Quotes

Marge: Homer, I've gotten you the most important gift a man your age can get.

Homer: You're having your boobs embiggened? You don't have to. They're fine just the way they'll be.

Marge: [grumbles] No, you're getting a colonoscopy.

Homer: Oh, that's wonderful! Pardon me for a moment.

[Homer puts on reading glasses and picks up a medical dictionary.]

Homer: [reading from dictionary] "A colonoscopy is an endoscopic examination of the large—" [moans in frustration] Ohhh, I don't understand!

Marge: They stick a camera up your "uh-oh", but this time you won't be doing it to win a bar bet.

Homer: [indignant] That bar bet paid for the camera removal!

Colorectal surgeon: Welcome to the Mayo Clinic.

Homer: Mmm... mayo.

Doctor: I'm glad you're here, Homer. Early detection can lead to complete removal of tumorous polyps and—

Homer: [interrupting] Are we gonna talk or make a movie!

Doctor: Now, Homer, breathe into this mask.

[The anesthesiologist holds the mask out to Homer, but Homer is already asleep and snoring.]

Doctor: He's asleep. I almost feel guilty about charging him for the anesthesia. [chuckles] Almost.

Marge: Will he be all right, Doctor?

Doctor: Listen. Don't worry. I've done hundreds of these and— [cuts himself off as the assistant uncovers Homer's buttocks] Good Lord. This ass is why I became a doctor! This is my Sistine Chapel! This is my Moby Dick! This is my Sergeant Pepper's— [pulls out a Sergeant Pepper music CD] How did that get in there?!

Marge: [angry, looking at large monitor on cart] Here's his wedding band! He told me he was getting it polished!

Doctor: [looking up from camera monitor] According to this, he has three active polyps. Now comes the fun part. [makes scissors-snipping gesture with his fingers]

Marge: You cut them out?

Doctor: Oh, we don't use that term. We prefer "rip".

Homer: I feel great! [stands up on the examination table] Once there was a mountain, now there's a breeze! Hallelujah!

[Homer starts singing the "Hallelujah Chorus" from Handel's Messiah. The medical students observing the procedure from the overhead gallery join in.]

Homer: Let's take this new colon out for a spin! To Krusty Burger! [He heads for the door.]

Doctor: Mr. Simpson, the camera's still inside you!

Homer: I'll return it after Lisa's recital. Hallelujah!

[Homer leaves the room, pulling the monitor cart behind him by the camera cable.]

Voice-over: Not a dramatization. This is footage of an actual colonoscopy.