| Date
|
Tweet
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| July 24, 2009
|
Hey, it’s Homer! Have you heard of this new thing called “Twitter”? Try it, it's cool.
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| July 24, 2009
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At Moe’s getting drunk and I just bet Lenny I can do a front flip off the bar!
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| July 24, 2009
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At the hospital getting stitches.
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| July 24, 2009
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I just bet the doctor I can do a flip off the stretcher!
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| July 24, 2009
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At the hospital getting a rod put into my spine.
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| July 24, 2009
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Oh yeah, @aplusk ? Well I think your tweets are boring, pointless, ilbilerate and flul fo splelnig rerors!
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| July 24, 2009
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I'm learbing to text wigh my thjubs... so fat, so goo.
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| July 25, 2009
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My Dad found this old home movie of when I was a kid. Check it out. http://bit.ly/yDOWp
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| July 25, 2009
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I didn’t vote for @algore, but I thank him every day for giving us this. http://bit.ly/2RSkAB
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| July 25, 2009
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I was eating pancakes and I spilled syyyyrup all over the "yyyyyyy" keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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| July 25, 2009
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I’m at Comic-Con! I’m hoping to meet Matt Groening so I can thank him for giving us “Family Guy.” #sdcc
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| July 25, 2009
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Man, everybody at Comic-Con dresses so weird. Socks with shoes? I guess it takes all kinds.
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| July 25, 2009
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I’m at Comic-Con and I just saw a toddler dressed up like George Lucas...
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| July 25, 2009
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He’s so cute in his fake beard and little – oh, wait, that is George Lucas. #sdcc
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| July 26, 2009
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To that dude who keeps honking at me: I can’t go any faster. I’m pushing the car with my feet through a hole in the floor.
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| July 26, 2009
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I accidentally put underwear on outside my pants, so can everyone reading this do the same thing so I don’t look stupid.
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| July 26, 2009
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I’m engaged in the act of love with a meatball sub.
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| July 26, 2009
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What am I doing right now? Tweeting obviously, you idiot.
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| July 27, 2009
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My friend Lenny says if I want to do Twitter my tweets can't be more than one hundred and forty characters long, but I think he's full of cr
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| July 27, 2009
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Who dares me to push this big red button on my nuclear plant control workstation?
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| July 28, 2009
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Marge says I can't say I'm in the bathroom so I'm... Uh, raking leaves.
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| July 28, 2009
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I'm Homer Simpson and I smell like poop and I eat poop for breakfast and my name is Captain Poop.
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| July 28, 2009
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Bart Why you little... get off my account!
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| July 28, 2009
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Marge, my head is stuck between the stair railings again. Marge? Marge!
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| July 28, 2009
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Hey, I’m at the mall and I’ve lost Bart. If anyone finds him, please don’t tweet me.
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| July 28, 2009
|
@[username redacted] Thanks for writing me. We’re like pen pals except I left my pen in my pocket and sat down and stained the couch with ink.
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| July 29, 2009
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Putting my pants on.
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| July 29, 2009
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Hey, these aren’t my pants! It’s an eighty gallon blue trash bag.
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| July 29, 2009
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But it fits pretty good...
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| July 29, 2009
|
Putting on my trash bag.
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| July 29, 2009
|
Relax, those nuclear meltdown sirens you’re hearing are just a drill. The radioactive gas escape alarms are real, though.
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| July 30, 2009
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Check this out, I’m tweeting while driving! There’s Moe’s and there’s the Kwik-E-Mart and now I’m out of control and flying off a bri...
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| July 30, 2009
|
You know what’s great? Leaving your kids in the car and then forgetting where you parked it.
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| July 30, 2009
|
I’m a huge fan of that show “The Biggest Loser”, but Marge says I should call it by its other title, “The Glenn Beck Program.”
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| July 30, 2009
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If a “ham”-burger is made of beef, then a club sandwich should be made of knives. Think about it.
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| July 30, 2009
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Three things I found in my belly button: lint, a PB&J sandwich, and the skeleton of a squirrel. So cute!
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| July 31, 2009
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I called in sick but really I'm at the dogtrack. Stupid boss -- he's too old to know about Twitter.
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| July 31, 2009
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Humiliated nuclear safety technician seeks work. Contact H. Simpson, 742 Evergreen Terrace.
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| July 31, 2009
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Check out http://tinyurl.com/A56HX89UT ! PS: there’s nothing there, but I wanted to look like the cool guys who put urls in their tweets.
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| August 1, 2009
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If you’re at the bottom of this waterslide, attention! My bathing suit is coming down before me.
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| August 2, 2009
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Marge, if you're reading Twitter, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's been five great years of marriage!
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| August 2, 2009
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FIFTEEN years of marriage. Thanks Lisa.
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| August 4, 2009
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Okay, here I am live-tweeting Lisa’s saxophone recital.
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| August 4, 2009
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She’s playing the first note and <SNORE>.
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| August 4, 2009
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That’s right, my cellphone has a feature that texts my snoring sounds.
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| August 4, 2009
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To the cop chasing me: I know I’m speeding, but I’ve got a great excuse-- I’m in a hurry to get to a bar.
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| August 5, 2009
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I know Americans are adopting kids from Africa, but are any Africans adopting American kids? ‘Cause I’ve got a boy available, cheap.
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| August 5, 2009
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Babies, old people and astronauts all get to wear diapers. But nobody calls THAT a conspiracy.
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| August 6, 2009
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Quick question-- I'm helping Bart with his homework. Is math the thing with the numbers, or the thing where the cow goes moo?
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| August 6, 2009
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It's too bad Paula's leaving American Idol. I'm really gonna miss her saying mean things to people in her British accent...
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| August 6, 2009
|
...What? That's a different guy? Oh, then who cares.
|
| August 7, 2009
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To the dude who’s honking at me: I’m blocking the intersection because I’m having an NPR driveway moment, so blame the liberal media.
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| August 7, 2009
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BOOM-BOOM-CHA, BOOM-BOOM-CHA, I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU, BOOM-BOOM-CHA-- sorry, Marge, but "Guitar Heroes" don't "knock it off."
|
| August 8, 2009
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Hey everybody, let’s list our favorite fifteenth century Spanish Inquisitors. Mine: Torquemada.
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| August 9, 2009
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Shopping for pants... At a maternity store
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| August 10, 2009
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Trying to figure out a vanity license plate. What does "Utah" mean?
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| August 11, 2009
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Business idea: hamburger with two hamburgers for buns and patty made of hamburgers. Possible special sauce -- liquid hamburger.
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| August 12, 2009
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Anybody know a good restaurant in Rome? I'm going there in eighteen years when Maggie goes to college.
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| August 12, 2009
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Help! I found half a pizza in the garbage but a raccoon is fighting me for it. Stupid raccoon! Ow! I'm sorry raccoon you're awesome.
|
| August 13, 2009
|
To the boogeyman in my closet: why can’t you just be cool, man?
|
| August 14, 2009
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@[username redacted]] Thanks! I always appreciate feedback – especially when the back I’m being fed is from a cow or pig.
|
| August 14, 2009
|
Man, was it hot today. I guess the “Dog Days of August” are here. How hot is that in Human Days?
|
| August 14, 2009
|
Sitting on the throne right now. Good thing I brought my computer, so I can read the newspaper.
|
| August 14, 2009
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I just saw that hilarious movie about the Guinea Pig commandos. What was it called again? Right, “Platoon.”
|
| August 15, 2009
|
Hey, did you watch the History Channel last night? Then you are lame.
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| August 16, 2009
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I'm at church. Come on everyone, let's tweet: boring boring boring.
|
| August 16, 2009
|
Marge says stop making fun of church with advanced internet technology.
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| August 17, 2009
|
Woo hoo! I'm standing on top of Mt. Everest. Um, is anyone else up there? I mean, here? No? Then woo hoo, I'm on top of Mt Everest!
|
| August 19, 2009
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Come on, adult web sites -- help me set the record for most fake followers on Twitter.
|
| August 19, 2009
|
If life gives you lemons, make a cheese pizza.
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| August 21, 2009
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If @snoopdogg married Snoopy the dog, that would be awesome, but our stupid prejudiced politicians say it's illegal. Fight the power!
|
| August 21, 2009
|
If electricity is so smart how come it can't drive? I can drive, and I'm an idiot.
|
| August 23, 2009
|
Woo! I'm at a U2 concert! They're playing their hit "U2 It Up Baby" and I... okay, I admit it, I'm home alone on the sofa. U2 rox!
|
| August 23, 2009
|
Choking on a sandwich. Man, it's delicious
|
| August 24, 2009
|
Just getting my blood pressure checked - hey, it's the same as my weight – 320!
|
| August 24, 2009
|
In my car. I heard a radio ad for a sale on TV's. I know that's ironic, I just don't know why
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| August 25, 2009
|
Shaving my back.
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| August 25, 2009
|
Wait, this isn't my back.
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| August 25, 2009
|
Who the hell's back is this?
|
| August 26, 2009
|
Eating a taco salad. If it wasn't for the taco, this thing would suck!
|
| August 26, 2009
|
Chasing a coffee truck trying to force it off the road or at least knock some bacon loose.
|
| August 27, 2009
|
Eating. What the hell business is it of yours?
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| August 27, 2009
|
Eating. And no you can't have some.
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| August 27, 2009
|
Just kind of sleeping and watching TV. Oh, yeah, also at work.
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| August 29, 2009
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I’m with Lenny and Carl and I’m calling them both Lenny. I’m doing it as an experiment and also because I forgot which one is really Lenny.
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| August 29, 2009
|
I can’t tweet right now. The policeman that pulled me over says I have to blow into some sort of machine.
|
| August 29, 2009
|
I’m in my favorite chair with the TV turned up so loud I can’t hear my wife or kids. I call this paradise.
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| August 30, 2009
|
I’m using Flanders’ computer to write this. I’m not gonna pay for internet when it’s free next door, just like air-conditioning.
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| August 31, 2009
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I was trying to grow a moustache but I gave up after a few minutes. Too boring.
|
| September 2, 2009
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Eating vegetables - they're not bad if you dip them in syrup. But what isn't?
|
| September 2, 2009
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Fighting the dog over some food that fell on the ground.
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| September 3, 2009
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Just waiting for the fire department to come and cut me out of this phone booth.
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| September 4, 2009
|
At Moe’s about to tell him I will stop tweeting so he can put down the shotgun already.
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| September 5, 2009
|
Taking Marge out for dinner. Oh, I’ll have to write more later, we’re next at the drive-through speaker.
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| September 5, 2009
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Had a great idea for a movie. A thriller that’s also really good.
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| September 5, 2009
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Being attacked by a moose. Send help.
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| September 7, 2009
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That “Funny Video” show is sick. Tonight they showed a plane crash and a shooting. What is America coming to... wait that was the news.
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| September 7, 2009
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I just had a million dollar idea: make a million dollars.
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| September 7, 2009
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Well, it’s Monday again, or, as I call it, pre-pre-humpday.
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| September 8, 2009
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I’m all for tolerance, but if I hear one more jerk say “catsup”, I’m gonna go ape.
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| September 12, 2009
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Eating a foot long hot dog.
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| September 12, 2009
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Still eating it.
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| September 12, 2009
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Still eating it. I’m about six inches in.
|
| September 12, 2009
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If you’re reading this, I pity you.
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| September 12, 2009
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Have you seen the YouTube where the news lady farts and falls over? I haven’t.
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| September 14, 2009
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Check out this awesome link! http://bit.ly/BPV3E
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| September 14, 2009
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If you think Tur-duck-en is good, then you haven't lived until you've tried Tur-rib-nut-butter-burger-twizzler-Os.
|
| September 15, 2009
|
If The Beatles were so great, then how come they never won on “America’s Got Talent”?
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| September 17, 2009
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I think it's wrong that so many people get their news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.
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| September 17, 2009
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If anyone sees Marge, will you tell her I’m on a listening tour of the Middle East? That one’s worked before.
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| September 18, 2009
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I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.
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| September 20, 2009
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Beware of an internet scam about a Prince from Nigeria asking for your credit card number. The guy from Botswana is on the level.
|
| September 21, 2009
|
Lisa! Stop playing that stupid saxophone! Oops, I tweeted instead of talked again.
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| September 23, 2009
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Anyone know what "tweet" rhymes with? If you do tell me. I'm trying to write a rap song.
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| September 23, 2009
|
I’m just sitting in traffic watching my car sit on the median, on fire. Oh wait, I just figured it out – I am traffic. Cool!
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| September 24, 2009
|
I thought I had lost my cell phone but then I saw it on my x-ray. Whew! I was worried.
|
| September 25, 2009
|
I heard there was another Homer Simpson tweeting out there. How do I know I’m not him?
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| September 25, 2009
|
Can I ask you guys a question? Where does your laptop computer go if you can’t find your lap?
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| September 25, 2009
|
I’m at a romantic restaurant with the most beautiful creature in the world -- a prime rib. You know, I should bring Marge here.
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| September 26, 2009
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I'm tweeting like I'm a big star. I feel like Beyonce. Now, I’m gonna undress in front of a mirror and see what Beyonce looks like nude.
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| September 26, 2009
|
@[username redacted] Hey, thanks for the kind words, unless yours weren’t kind, in which case: screw you, turkey!
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| September 26, 2009
|
@[username redacted] Thanks for writing back. When Lisa helps me read what you wrote, I’ll get back to you.
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| September 26, 2009
|
There’s 86400 seconds in a day, but only one lunch. How is that fair?
|
| September 28, 2009
|
Warning -- I just cut a big one. If you can read this tweet, you’re in range.
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| September 28, 2009
|
I don’t get all the praise for that show “Mad Men”. I watched a whole episode and didn’t see Alfred E. Neuman or Fonebone once!
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| September 30, 2009
|
I just ate a baked potato shaped like Alex Baldwin. I wonder if he tastes liked baked potato.
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| September 30, 2009
|
If anyone has tips on getting your head unwedged from staircase banister rails, I’m listening.
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| September 30, 2009
|
Sleep - the most fun you can have at a nuclear power plant safety workstation.
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| October 1, 2009
|
Hey, you at the buffet -- hands off that shrimp platter. I saw it first
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| October 3, 2009
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Bill Gates, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got one of those diseases your foundation fights. So, uh, can I get 10 bucks?
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| October 3, 2009
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I’m taking parachute lessons. I’m just gonna finish this tweet before pulling the ripcord -- I’m pretty sure there’s enough ti
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| October 4, 2009
|
Just finished the New York Times crossword puzzle in 8 minutes. Filled it up with all kinds of letters.
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| October 5, 2009
|
I just thought of something: Star Wars, like walking up stairs, used to be great when I was in high school.
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| October 5, 2009
|
If Obama’s so great, how come he can’t do a brain transplant? I can’t do one either and I’m awesome.
|
| October 8, 2009
|
I heard another guy was pretending to be me on Twitter. How come no one pretends to be me when it’s time to pay the gas bill?
|
| October 9, 2009
|
Hey all, it’s Miller time! So crack open an icy cold play by Arthur Miller and enjoy the cool, crisp dialogue. Ooh -- subtextual!
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| October 9, 2009
|
Isn’t it amazing that huge jetliners can fly all by themselves?
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| October 9, 2009
|
...At least I hope they can, cause I just accidentally knocked the pilot and co-pilot out when I opened the bathroom door.
|
| October 10, 2009
|
Hey, President Obama: Why should I let the government have a Public Option for healthcare if they won’t let me have one for nudity?
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| October 11, 2009
|
When leaves fall off the trees is that nature or suicide? Whatever, let science nerds figure it out.
|
| October 11, 2009
|
Hey everyone! I’m going to do a corn maze, and you can all help! What fun!
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| October 11, 2009
|
Okay, I’m in the maze at a junction. Everyboy tweet me, should I go left or right?
|
| October 11, 2009
|
Okay, half said go left, half said go right. So, uh, I’ll guess right. But keep sending directions!
|
| October 11, 2009
|
I’ve been following your directions for 5 hours and I’m still trapped here. Somebody please help me!
|
| October 12, 2009
|
So cold. So cold. Corn Maze God, I beg you, have mercy.
|
| October 12, 2009
|
Well, the maintenance crew found me this morning. So who wants to go again?!
|
| October 13, 2009
|
Memo to Bruce Springsteen: you rock
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| October 13, 2009
|
Hello, Rock-tober! I thought SmoothJazz-tember would never end.
|
| October 13, 2009
|
I love Fall. It’s the time of year when schools take over the job of acting like someone cares about your children.
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| October 17, 2009
|
Well, it’s turning cold. Time to put the dog in the closet for his winter hibernation... Stop fighting, boy... in... you... go..
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| October 17, 2009
|
There’s nothing more fun on a fall day than raking a big pile of leaves to hide the dog poop you don’t want to pick up.
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| October 17, 2009
|
Here’s a fun thing to try. Record the football game this Sunday, then have your friends over to watch it with you.
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| October 17, 2009
|
Then spoil it by telling them what’s going to happen before it happens.
|
| October 18, 2009
|
Last night I saw a “Barenaked Ladies” concert. Total ripoff -- it was just fat ugly women on stage
|
| October 19, 2009
|
I just realized something. The NBA is just a rip-off of the WNBA! I’ve never been so mad.
|
| October 19, 2009
|
@[username redacted] I got your response and unfortunately, I’m not hiring at this time.
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| October 19, 2009
|
@[username redacted] ...I know you didn’t ask about a job but it just feels really good to reject someone.
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| October 22, 2009
|
I love fall -- it won’t be long before I can drink three beers, go outside and write my name in the snow with nature’s fountain pen.
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| October 24, 2009
|
We bought the Beatles version of Rock Band. It was fun for the whole family until they Pete-Bested me and replaced me with the dog.
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| October 24, 2009
|
It just hit me. If Mr. Takagi had just given Hans Gruber the pass codes to the Nakatomi Plaza vault...
|
| October 24, 2009
|
...then John and Holly McClane’s marriage might never have been saved that magical Christmas Eve. Love is a glorious thing.
|
| October 26, 2009
|
I miss Forrest Tucker. I really do. Sorry to bring you down, but I have to express my feelings.
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| October 28, 2009
|
I’ve never seen such amazing fall colors -- I’m in my bathroom taking some pills Otto sold me.
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| November 3, 2009
|
You know what makes baseball less boring? Football on the other channels.
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| November 3, 2009
|
You wanna know my favorite thing about the World Series? That American teams usually win it. Up yours, World. USA! USA!
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| November 3, 2009
|
I love “The Big Bang Theory”. I can laugh at nerds from my couch instead of going all the way to the Apple Store.
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| November 3, 2009
|
If you’re wondering what happened to that carved pumpkin you put out by your door... I ate it.
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| November 3, 2009
|
I think if A-Rod wants to earn all that money, he should at least have the decency to go by his full name: Alex Rod.
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| November 4, 2009
|
Fall is here and it’s once again time to watch Regis Philbin’s hair change colors.
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| November 5, 2009
|
If I see another baseball player adjust his crotch on national TV, I’ll win Moe’s “Great American Crotch Grabbing Sweepstakes.”
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| November 5, 2009
|
Here’s a great baseball drinking game. Every pitch, drink a beer. When you wake in the hospital, the nurses will tell you who won.
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| November 5, 2009
|
I’m drunk. No, wait I’m trying to get drunk. Big difference.
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| November 5, 2009
|
Taking care of Maggie. My shift ends when one of us has to go to the bathroom.
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| November 7, 2009
|
I’m using that steroid cream Barry Bonds used. Wait, instead of Barry Bonds it was my father and instead of steroids, it was hemorrhoids.
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| November 8, 2009
|
Elvis Costello said “What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?” To that list I’d add Dane Cook and “The Family Circus.”
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| November 9, 2009
|
LOL OMG ROTFL :) :( WTF YYSW... Sorry, I had a mini stroke while I was writing “hello.”
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| November 10, 2009
|
Trying to help Lisa with her math homework. Did you know that multiplication and division are enemies?
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| November 11, 2009
|
I just turned on that show “So you think you can dance?” My answer is “No, I don’t”.
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| November 13, 2009
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Just Helping Lisa with her homework. Now I remember why I never did homework.
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| November 13, 2009
|
I hate that show “The Office”. All they do is look at the camera. Uh, professionalism, anyone?
|
| November 13, 2009
|
I want to thank our veterans for being brave. Also, since we’re talking, can I have some of your medals? You have lots and I have none.
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| November 13, 2009
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I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.
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| November 16, 2009
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I made one of those trace-your-hand turkeys. It tasted horrible.
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| November 19, 2009
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Had a great idea for a movie. A comedy with some romantic stuff also.
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| November 20, 2009
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If prisoners use cigarettes as money to buy things in jail, what do they use to buy cigarettes? Think about it. I know I won't.
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| November 20, 2009
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We celebrate Thanksgiving in November but forget it’s also Aviation History Month. Think how you'd feel if you were that. Bad, I bet.
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| November 25, 2009
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I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving but the Canadians have their Thanksgiving in October and they took all the thanks. Stupid frozen jerks.
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| November 26, 2009
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The only bad part of Thanksgiving is that a lot of turkeys and the Detroit Lions get killed. That’s a joke you can tell people. I did!
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| November 26, 2009
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Woo Hoo! #Thanksgiving. One of the two holidays the government says Mr. Burns has to give us off.
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| November 26, 2009
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I love #Thanksgiving. It’s like the calendar is giving me one month to convince that sucker Santa that I’ve been a good boy.
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| November 27, 2009
|
Today is “Black Friday”, biggest shopping day of the year. I call it “Blecch Friday” because turkey doesn’t agree with me.
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| November 27, 2009
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Big shopping day today. If you’re buying me clothes as a Christmas gift, remember there are eight “X”s before the L – XXXXXXXXL
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| November 28, 2009
|
Big shopping day today. Marge, if you're reading this, we need beer and diapers. If you can’t carry everything, forget the diapers.
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| November 30, 2009
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I’ve figured out a great way to get all our Christmas cards for free.
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| November 30, 2009
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We’re going to put on our red sweaters and Santa hats, then run through 100 different “Photo-Enforced” red lights. Take that, Hallmark!
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| December 5, 2009
|
I just read a great Tweet by @jeremypiven
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| December 5, 2009
|
God, I hate my boss so much! Oops, better not post that. Thank God I know how to stop sending a tweet...
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| December 5, 2009
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My stupid ugly boss would kill me otherwise.
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| December 11, 2009
|
Feeling hungry. Lisa’s gingerbread house is about to go into foreclosure.
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| December 11, 2009
|
Okay, I heard Linus's speech, but I still say Charlie Brown's tree sucks and he ruined Christmas.
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| December 12, 2009
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Warning: do not buy a tree from Moe's Discount Tree Stand unless you like a living room full of pine bark beetles.
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| December 12, 2009
|
We just watched "Rudolph" and I realized something...
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| December 12, 2009
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Santa in that show is a bigger jerk than Mr. Burns! Watch it again and you'll agree.
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| December 12, 2009
|
One time at Moe’s, there was only enough left in the keg for 1 beer, but that keg ended up having enough for 8 beers
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| December 12, 2009
|
That miracle made the Chanukah miracle come to life, except Moe’s is better ‘cause it involves beer. Good silver medal though, Chanukah.
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| December 13, 2009
|
Marge wanted a candlelight dinner so I took her to Krusty’s for a Chanukah meal. Yeah, she didn’t think that was funny either.
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| December 13, 2009
|
Homer the Red-Nosed Rummy, had a very shiny nose, 'cause instead of Christmas shopping, he got really drunk at Moe's.
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| December 13, 2009
|
I told Maggie it’s easy to tell the real Santa from all those fake ones collecting for charity on the street.
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| December 13, 2009
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Just heard a song called “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I'm outraged. Santa comes near Marge, he's a fat jolly dead elf.
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| December 14, 2009
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Why can’t it be: if you stand under mistletoe, someone has to give you a hamburger?
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| December 14, 2009
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We used Barney as a dreidel for a while, spinning him around and betting on how he’d land. We stopped when he threw up on all our shoes.
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| December 14, 2009
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Does anyone know where I can buy a Kwanzaa bush? Otherwise it's coming out of Flanders' front yard.
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| December 15, 2009
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I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be in front of my TV at dawn for the Golden Globe nominations.
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| December 15, 2009
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I'll be there because I plan on passing out on the TV room floor the night before.
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| December 15, 2009
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Congrats to "Precious" on its Golden Globe nomination! I haven't seen it yet, but is it just about Gollum, or is Frodo in it too?
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| December 16, 2009
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I hate how on Chanukah people make potato pancakes. Those pancakes could be used for vodka or even potato beer!
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| December 17, 2009
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I'm hanging upside down off the roof in a tangle of holiday lights. Could someone tell Marge? But do not tell Bart.
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| December 17, 2009
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Someone told Bart! I'm a human ice-ball target!
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| December 18, 2009
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Holiday treat idea: lardnog.
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| December 18, 2009
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Latkes are just like donuts but with no hole and different ingredients and a different shape
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| December 18, 2009
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My favorite Christmas Carol is Carol Channing. We should see more of her.
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| December 21, 2009
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Christmas comes but once a year, but it's okay because every other day you can drink beer.
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| December 21, 2009
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I just realized, you can also drink beer on Christmas. I love Christmas!
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| December 21, 2009
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December 21 is the shortest day of the year, but Patty and Selma are visiting and I’ve never seen a day last longer.
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| December 22, 2009
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Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? No I'm not, that's why I hit your dumb sleigh with my car.
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| December 22, 2009
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I got a great idea. I’m gonna write a song about Christmas. It’ll be huge and no one’s ever done it before.
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| December 22, 2009
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If this goes well, maybe I’ll write a song about love – another unexplored area.
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| December 22, 2009
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So I got a job as a department store Santa and now I can enjoy my time at home, knowing I’m not showing up for that.
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| December 22, 2009
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Anybody need some myrrh? I’m regifting. Keeping the frankincense, though. That stuff rocks.
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| December 22, 2009
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This Santa Claus guy also goes by “Kris Kringle” and has no known address. Sounds suspicious.
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| December 22, 2009
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I’m turning him in to the FBI - right after he brings me my massage chair.
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| December 23, 2009
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On Christmas, we love to watch that show where that big log just burns all night -- otherwise known as "The Glenn Beck Program."
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| December 23, 2009
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There’s a horrible alcoholic at Moe’s who has a bright red nose.
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| December 23, 2009
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We were all looking forward to calling him “Rudolph” at Christmas-time, but then he went sober and stopped coming in.
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| December 23, 2009
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Kind of selfish of him if you ask me.
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| December 23, 2009
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I get the next few days off for Christmas. It’s not as much fun having time off when you’re not even supposed to be at work.
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| December 24, 2009
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I learned a great lesson today. If you let Christmas carolers into your house, double check that they didn’t drive there in a “REPO” van.
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| December 24, 2009
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I found a baby abandoned outside the other day. But when I took it to the police they arrested me for vandalizing a nativity scene.
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| December 24, 2009
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What’s gone wrong with this country?
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| December 24, 2009
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I love playing videogames with Bart - it still counts as time spent together but I don't have to talk to him. Now that's parenting!
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| December 25, 2009
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'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, you could hear me yelling as I tried to assemble Bart's stupid new dirt bike.
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| December 25, 2009
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I know it’s Christmastime when Moe serves his famous red and green beer. When I compliment him on it, he’s modest –
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| December 25, 2009
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...he just says algae comes in all different colors.
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| December 25, 2009
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Does anyone have an incredibly thoughtful and personal gift they could lend to a man who forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present?
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| December 26, 2009
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I plan on recycling our Christmas tree this year... by keeping it up until next year.
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| December 26, 2009
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College football is the best - it's a chance to get an early look at all the superstars and has-beens of tomorrow.
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| December 26, 2009
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Bowl game I’d like to see: tapioca versus pudding.
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| December 28, 2009
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You know how college quarterbacks have the most helmet stickers?
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| December 28, 2009
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Seems like if their opponents figure that out, there goes the element of surprise about who’s playing quarterback.
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| December 29, 2009
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There’s so many different college bowl games, it’s hard to know which team I don’t know anything about to root for.
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| December 29, 2009
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Everyone talks about the quarterback at Notre Dame, but never the hunchback. That’s a joke I made up. Try telling it and I’ll sue you.
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| December 31, 2009
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It's almost time for New Year's Rockin' Eve, where I begin the new year by watching the music acts and feeling incredibly old and depressed.
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| December 31, 2009
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Practice New Years Eve countdown: "Ten, nine, eight, four, seven, nine, whatever..." What? That's how I count when I'm wasted.
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