Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire/Quotes

Quotes

Season 1 Episode Quotes

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Short 48

"TV Simpsons"

001
"Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire"

"Bart the Genius"

002

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Homer: How many grades does this school have?

[Bart is singing in the school choir, so Marge cannot hear him individually]

Marge: Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel.

Bart: [close up, singing] Oh, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got awa- [he is cut off.]

Bart: Aw, come on, Dad, this could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us.

Homer: Oh, all right. Who's Tiny Tim?

[Marge shows Homer that the Christmas money jar is empty because of Bart]

Homer: [gasps and screams] Oh! It's true! The jar is empty! Oh my God! We're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!

Marge: You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas.

Homer: Yeah, if you want one, you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

Marge: Alright, children. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa's workshop in the North Pole.

Bart: Oh, please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

Marge: [writing] Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons.

Tattoo Removal Technician: [turning on laser] Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.

Bart: Hey, Santa, what's shakin' man?

Homer: [as Santa] What's your name, Bart-ner... er... little partner?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

Homer: [annoyed] I'm Jolly ol' Saint Nick.

Bart: Oh yeah? We'll see about that! [Pulls off his fake beard, just as their photo is taken]

Homer: D'oh!

Bart: Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

Homer: Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute!

Clerk: That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

Homer: [buying a chewtoy for Maggie] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.

Homer: [trying to remember the name of Santa's reindeer]: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon?

Marge: This is the best gift of all, Homer.

Homer: It is?

Marge: Yes, something to share our love - and frighten prowlers.

Bart: And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

Homer: [as Santa, while he is walking out of his 'workshop'] Hey, little kids! Santa's back! Ho! Ho! [hits his head on the doorway] D'oh! Dammit to---

[Homer falls off the roof whilst trying to hang Christmas lights]

Homer: Alright, kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!

[Marge turns on the Christmas lights, and the results are less than spectacular. One bulb even blows out]

Homer: Well, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it?

Lisa: Nice try, Dad.

Bart: Ugh...

[The whole family sings at the end, with Grampa playing the music by piano]

Family: Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer

Had a very shiny nose,

And if you ever saw it,

You would even say it glows.

Bart: Like a lightbulb!

Homer: Bart!!!

Family: All of the other reindeer

Used to laugh and call him names.

Lisa: Like Schnozzola!

Homer: Lisa!!!

Family: They never let poor Rudolph

Join in any reindeer games.

Bart: Like strip poker!

Homer: I'm warning you two...!!

Family: Then, one foggy Christmas Eve,

Santa came to say...

Marge: Take it, Homer!

Homer: Err... "Rudolph, get your nose over here,

So you can guide my sleigh... today."

Abe: Oh, Homer...

Family: Then all the reindeer loved him,

And they shouted out with glee:

"Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,

You'll go down in history!"

Bart: Like Attila the Hu—

Homer: Why, you little--! [strangles Bart]

← Shorts Season 3 Season 1 Quotes Season 2 →
Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire • Bart the Genius • Homer's Odyssey • There's No Disgrace Like Home • Bart the General • Moaning Lisa • The Call of the Simpsons • The Telltale Head • Life on the Fast Lane • Homer's Night Out • The Crepes of Wrath • Krusty Gets Busted • Some Enchanted Evening