Homer and Ned's Hail Mary Pass/Quotes

General

References/Trivia

Appearances

Gags

Credits

Quotes

Quotes

• Homer: (singing, after beating Bart in the game) "I'm number one! I beat my son! Victory is mine! So kiss my behind!" (scutting and grunting at Bart) "In your face!" (starts dancing)
• Tom Brady: "Everyone sucks but me."
• Burns: What would you use instead of Nuclear power?
  Marge: Solar.
  Lenny: Hydroelectric.
  Moe: A mix of conservation and wind.
  Burns: Who told you about those?
  Carl: The talking tree in a commercial. audio clip
• Prof. Frink: (after seeing Ned's film, The Passion of Cain and Abel) You have taught me a world of faith beyond the world of science. I would pay to see it again and again and again and again but NOT SIX TIMES!!! audio clip
• Homer: I wish I were a screensaver.
• Comic Book Guy: My name is Jeff Albertson, but everyone calls me "Comic Book Guy".
• Michelle Kwan: Beware the wrath of Kwan!
• Milhouse: Look! It's my hero, Michelle Kwan!
  Michelle Kwan: You remind me of a young Dorothy Hamill.
  Milhouse: I didn't know you could talk!
• The Passion of Cain and Abel
  (Todd (Abel) and Rod (Cain) are together as Rod uses Todd's Shepard stick to sharpen his knife. Ned (Adam), wearing nothing but a leaf on his crotch walks up to them)
  Ned: Boys, I just talked to God. He's vacuuming Heaven to get it ready for when dead people show up. And he'd like you both to render a sacrifice.
  Todd: I shall sacrifice my finest grains and livestock.
  (cut to Todd setting his sacrifice on fire. Rod's sacrifice only has a few rotting rodents)
  Todd: Behold. I have found favor with the Lord.
  Rod: So shall my knife find favor with thy belly!
  (Rod begins stabbing Todd. Ned, dressed as the Devil, laughs as he watches Abel's murder. There are several gruesome close-ups to the stabbing and two newspaper headlines appear: "Massachusetts Okays Gay Marriage" and "Stem Cells Cure Alzheimer's". Rod kills Todd and runs off)
  (cut to Ned covering Todd)
  Ned: Now, I must bury my son, while you wander the Earth forever, with the mark of evil upon your face!
  (Rod turns; the left side of his face is now grotesquely deformed, complete with his left eye hanging out of its socket)
  THE END
• Crazy Cat Lady: (calm) Thanks to this psychoactive medication I enjoy brief moments of lucidity.
  Marge: Those are Reese's Pieces.
  Crazy Cat Lady: (goes crazy)
• Frank: Oh, I paid a thousand dollars for this seat and I can't even see the game!
  Marge: Just poke through!
  (Frank then pokes his head through Marge's hair)
• Announcer: The crowd gets ready for the half-time show, sponsored by the new Ford pickups, Citibank, and Moe's Tavern'.
  (cut to private skybox, where Moe and the two executives are watching the game)
  Executive 1: How could you afford this?
  Moe: I hustled a lot of pool. Speaking of which, you wanna play? I gotta warn ya though, I ain't that good.
  Executive 1: Alright. (under his breath) Sucker.
  (Moe swings his cue stick full force against the executive's back, possibly killing him)
  Moe: Who's the sucker now!? Huh?!!
• Mother: You try to raise your kids as secular humanists but these show-biz types keep shoving religion down our throat.
  Kid: Mommy, why wasn't I baptized?
  Mother: You see? YOU SEE??
• Yao Ming: "Wo zhen de bu dong ni men de yu yan." ("I really don't understand your language" in Mandarin)
  Lisa: But I heard you have an excellent knowledge of English.
  Yao Ming: "Shut up kid, I've got a good thing going on!"
• (the athletes are carrying an ark in Homer's show)
  Tom: You think Homer's mad at me? I waved at him in the parking lot and his stared right through me.
  Yao: I left the People's Republic for this?
  Warren: Yo, Michelle, ya got a boyfriend?
  Michelle: Not in here I don't.

• LeBron: Omelettes? For dinner? This is the best day of my life!

• Lisa:Didn't you just sign a $100 million dollar contract?

• LeBron:Oh yeah. That was a good day too.