|
|
| Line 2: |
Line 2: |
| | ---- | | ---- |
| | | | |
| − | === [[2009]] === | + | === [[2010]] === |
| | {{Table| | | {{Table| |
| | {{THT|Date}} | | {{THT|Date}} |
| | {{TH|Tweet}} | | {{TH|Tweet}} |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, [[2009]]}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, it’s Homer! Have you heard of this new thing called “Twitter”? Try it, it's cool.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|At Moe’s getting drunk and I just bet Lenny I can do a front flip off the bar!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|At the hospital getting stitches.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just bet the doctor I can do a flip off the stretcher!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|At the hospital getting a rod put into my spine.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Oh yeah, @aplusk ? Well I think your tweets are boring, pointless, ilbilerate and flul fo splelnig rerors!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'm learbing to text wigh my thjubs... so fat, so goo.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|My Dad found this old home movie of when I was a kid. Check it out. http://bit.ly/yDOWp}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I didn’t vote for @algore, but I thank him every day for giving us this. http://bit.ly/2RSkAB}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I was eating pancakes and I spilled syyyyrup all over the "yyyyyyy" keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m at Comic-Con! I’m hoping to meet Matt Groening so I can thank him for giving us “Family Guy.” #sdcc}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Man, everybody at Comic-Con dresses so weird. Socks with shoes? I guess it takes all kinds.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m at Comic-Con and I just saw a toddler dressed up like George Lucas...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|He’s so cute in his fake beard and little – oh, wait, that is George Lucas. #sdcc}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|To that dude who keeps honking at me: I can’t go any faster. I’m pushing the car with my feet through a hole in the floor.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I accidentally put underwear on outside my pants, so can everyone reading this do the same thing so I don’t look stupid.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m engaged in the act of love with a meatball sub.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|What am I doing right now? Tweeting obviously, you idiot.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|My friend Lenny says if I want to do Twitter my tweets can't be more than one hundred and forty characters long, but I think he's full of cr}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Who dares me to push this big red button on my nuclear plant control workstation?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Marge says I can't say I'm in the bathroom so I'm... Uh, raking leaves.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'm Homer Simpson and I smell like poop and I eat poop for breakfast and my name is Captain Poop.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Bart Why you little... get off my account!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Marge, my head is stuck between the stair railings again. Marge? Marge!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, I’m at the mall and I’ve lost Bart. If anyone finds him, please don’t tweet me.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted] Thanks for writing me. We’re like pen pals except I left my pen in my pocket and sat down and stained the couch with ink.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Putting my pants on.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, these aren’t my pants! It’s an eighty gallon blue trash bag.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|But it fits pretty good...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Putting on my trash bag.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Relax, those nuclear meltdown sirens you’re hearing are just a drill. The radioactive gas escape alarms are real, though.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Check this out, I’m tweeting while driving! There’s Moe’s and there’s the Kwik-E-Mart and now I’m out of control and flying off a bri...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|You know what’s great? Leaving your kids in the car and then forgetting where you parked it.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m a huge fan of that show “The Biggest Loser”, but Marge says I should call it by its other title, “The Glenn Beck Program.”}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If a “ham”-burger is made of beef, then a club sandwich should be made of knives. Think about it.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Three things I found in my belly button: lint, a PB&J sandwich, and the skeleton of a squirrel. So cute!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I called in sick but really I'm at the dogtrack. Stupid boss -- he's too old to know about Twitter.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Humiliated nuclear safety technician seeks work. Contact H. Simpson, 742 Evergreen Terrace.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|July 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Check out http://tinyurl.com/A56HX89UT ! PS: there’s nothing there, but I wanted to look like the cool guys who put urls in their tweets.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 1, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If you’re at the bottom of this waterslide, attention! My bathing suit is coming down before me.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 2, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Marge, if you're reading Twitter, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's been five great years of marriage!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 2, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|FIFTEEN years of marriage. Thanks Lisa.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Okay, here I am live-tweeting Lisa’s saxophone recital.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|She’s playing the first note and <SNORE>.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|That’s right, my cellphone has a feature that texts my snoring sounds.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|To the cop chasing me: I know I’m speeding, but I’ve got a great excuse-- I’m in a hurry to get to a bar.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I know Americans are adopting kids from Africa, but are any Africans adopting American kids? ‘Cause I’ve got a boy available, cheap.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Babies, old people and astronauts all get to wear diapers. But nobody calls THAT a conspiracy.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 6, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Quick question-- I'm helping Bart with his homework. Is math the thing with the numbers, or the thing where the cow goes moo?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 6, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|It's too bad Paula's leaving American Idol. I'm really gonna miss her saying mean things to people in her British accent...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 6, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|...What? That's a different guy? Oh, then who cares.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|To the dude who’s honking at me: I’m blocking the intersection because I’m having an NPR driveway moment, so blame the liberal media.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|BOOM-BOOM-CHA, BOOM-BOOM-CHA, I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU, BOOM-BOOM-CHA-- sorry, Marge, but "Guitar Heroes" don't "knock it off."}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 8, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey everybody, let’s list our favorite fifteenth century Spanish Inquisitors. Mine: Torquemada.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 9, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Shopping for pants... At a maternity store}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 10, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Trying to figure out a vanity license plate. What does "Utah" mean?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Business idea: hamburger with two hamburgers for buns and patty made of hamburgers. Possible special sauce -- liquid hamburger.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Anybody know a good restaurant in Rome? I'm going there in eighteen years when Maggie goes to college.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Help! I found half a pizza in the garbage but a raccoon is fighting me for it. Stupid raccoon! Ow! I'm sorry raccoon you're awesome.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|To the boogeyman in my closet: why can’t you just be cool, man?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted]] Thanks! I always appreciate feedback – especially when the back I’m being fed is from a cow or pig.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Man, was it hot today. I guess the “Dog Days of August” are here. How hot is that in Human Days?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Sitting on the throne right now. Good thing I brought my computer, so I can read the newspaper.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just saw that hilarious movie about the Guinea Pig commandos. What was it called again? Right, “Platoon.”}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 15, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, did you watch the History Channel last night? Then you are lame.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 16, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'm at church. Come on everyone, let's tweet: boring boring boring.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 16, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Marge says stop making fun of church with advanced internet technology.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Woo hoo! I'm standing on top of Mt. Everest. Um, is anyone else up there? I mean, here? No? Then woo hoo, I'm on top of Mt Everest!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Come on, adult web sites -- help me set the record for most fake followers on Twitter.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If life gives you lemons, make a cheese pizza.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If @snoopdogg married Snoopy the dog, that would be awesome, but our stupid prejudiced politicians say it's illegal. Fight the power!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If electricity is so smart how come it can't drive? I can drive, and I'm an idiot.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Woo! I'm at a U2 concert! They're playing their hit "U2 It Up Baby" and I... okay, I admit it, I'm home alone on the sofa. U2 rox!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Choking on a sandwich. Man, it's delicious}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just getting my blood pressure checked - hey, it's the same as my weight – 320!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|In my car. I heard a radio ad for a sale on TV's. I know that's ironic, I just don't know why}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Shaving my back.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Wait, this isn't my back.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Who the hell's back is this?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Eating a taco salad. If it wasn't for the taco, this thing would suck!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Chasing a coffee truck trying to force it off the road or at least knock some bacon loose.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Eating. What the hell business is it of yours?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Eating. And no you can't have some.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just kind of sleeping and watching TV. Oh, yeah, also at work.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m with Lenny and Carl and I’m calling them both Lenny. I’m doing it as an experiment and also because I forgot which one is really Lenny.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I can’t tweet right now. The policeman that pulled me over says I have to blow into some sort of machine.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m in my favorite chair with the TV turned up so loud I can’t hear my wife or kids. I call this paradise.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m using Flanders’ computer to write this. I’m not gonna pay for internet when it’s free next door, just like air-conditioning.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|August 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I was trying to grow a moustache but I gave up after a few minutes. Too boring.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 2, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Eating vegetables - they're not bad if you dip them in syrup. But what isn't?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 2, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Fighting the dog over some food that fell on the ground.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just waiting for the fire department to come and cut me out of this phone booth.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|At Moe’s about to tell him I will stop tweeting so he can put down the shotgun already.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Taking Marge out for dinner. Oh, I’ll have to write more later, we’re next at the drive-through speaker.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Had a great idea for a movie. A thriller that’s also really good.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Being attacked by a moose. Send help.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|That “Funny Video” show is sick. Tonight they showed a plane crash and a shooting. What is America coming to... wait that was the news.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just had a million dollar idea: make a million dollars.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Well, it’s Monday again, or, as I call it, pre-pre-humpday.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 8, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m all for tolerance, but if I hear one more jerk say “catsup”, I’m gonna go ape.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Eating a foot long hot dog.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Still eating it.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Still eating it. I’m about six inches in.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If you’re reading this, I pity you.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Have you seen the YouTube where the news lady farts and falls over? I haven’t.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Check out this awesome link! http://bit.ly/BPV3E}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If you think Tur-duck-en is good, then you haven't lived until you've tried Tur-rib-nut-butter-burger-twizzler-Os.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 15, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If The Beatles were so great, then how come they never won on “America’s Got Talent”?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I think it's wrong that so many people get their news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If anyone sees Marge, will you tell her I’m on a listening tour of the Middle East? That one’s worked before.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 18, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 20, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Beware of an internet scam about a Prince from Nigeria asking for your credit card number. The guy from Botswana is on the level.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Lisa! Stop playing that stupid saxophone! Oops, I tweeted instead of talked again.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Anyone know what "tweet" rhymes with? If you do tell me. I'm trying to write a rap song.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m just sitting in traffic watching my car sit on the median, on fire. Oh wait, I just figured it out – I am traffic. Cool!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I thought I had lost my cell phone but then I saw it on my x-ray. Whew! I was worried.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I heard there was another Homer Simpson tweeting out there. How do I know I’m not him?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Can I ask you guys a question? Where does your laptop computer go if you can’t find your lap?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m at a romantic restaurant with the most beautiful creature in the world -- a prime rib. You know, I should bring Marge here.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'm tweeting like I'm a big star. I feel like Beyonce. Now, I’m gonna undress in front of a mirror and see what Beyonce looks like nude.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted] Hey, thanks for the kind words, unless yours weren’t kind, in which case: screw you, turkey!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted] Thanks for writing back. When Lisa helps me read what you wrote, I’ll get back to you.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|There’s 86400 seconds in a day, but only one lunch. How is that fair?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Warning -- I just cut a big one. If you can read this tweet, you’re in range.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I don’t get all the praise for that show “Mad Men”. I watched a whole episode and didn’t see Alfred E. Neuman or Fonebone once!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just ate a baked potato shaped like Alex Baldwin. I wonder if he tastes liked baked potato.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If anyone has tips on getting your head unwedged from staircase banister rails, I’m listening.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|September 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Sleep - the most fun you can have at a nuclear power plant safety workstation.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 1, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, you at the buffet -- hands off that shrimp platter. I saw it first}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Bill Gates, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got one of those diseases your foundation fights. So, uh, can I get 10 bucks?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m taking parachute lessons. I’m just gonna finish this tweet before pulling the ripcord -- I’m pretty sure there’s enough ti}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just finished the New York Times crossword puzzle in 8 minutes. Filled it up with all kinds of letters.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just thought of something: Star Wars, like walking up stairs, used to be great when I was in high school.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If Obama’s so great, how come he can’t do a brain transplant? I can’t do one either and I’m awesome.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 8, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I heard another guy was pretending to be me on Twitter. How come no one pretends to be me when it’s time to pay the gas bill?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 9, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey all, it’s Miller time! So crack open an icy cold play by Arthur Miller and enjoy the cool, crisp dialogue. Ooh -- subtextual!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 9, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Isn’t it amazing that huge jetliners can fly all by themselves?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 9, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|...At least I hope they can, cause I just accidentally knocked the pilot and co-pilot out when I opened the bathroom door.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 10, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey, President Obama: Why should I let the government have a Public Option for healthcare if they won’t let me have one for nudity?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|When leaves fall off the trees is that nature or suicide? Whatever, let science nerds figure it out.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hey everyone! I’m going to do a corn maze, and you can all help! What fun!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Okay, I’m in the maze at a junction. Everyboy tweet me, should I go left or right?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Okay, half said go left, half said go right. So, uh, I’ll guess right. But keep sending directions!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’ve been following your directions for 5 hours and I’m still trapped here. Somebody please help me!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|So cold. So cold. Corn Maze God, I beg you, have mercy.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Well, the maintenance crew found me this morning. So who wants to go again?!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Memo to Bruce Springsteen: you rock}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Hello, Rock-tober! I thought SmoothJazz-tember would never end.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I love Fall. It’s the time of year when schools take over the job of acting like someone cares about your children.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Well, it’s turning cold. Time to put the dog in the closet for his winter hibernation... Stop fighting, boy... in... you... go..}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|There’s nothing more fun on a fall day than raking a big pile of leaves to hide the dog poop you don’t want to pick up.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Here’s a fun thing to try. Record the football game this Sunday, then have your friends over to watch it with you.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Then spoil it by telling them what’s going to happen before it happens.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 18, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Last night I saw a “Barenaked Ladies” concert. Total ripoff -- it was just fat ugly women on stage}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just realized something. The NBA is just a rip-off of the WNBA! I’ve never been so mad.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted] I got your response and unfortunately, I’m not hiring at this time.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|@[username redacted] ...I know you didn’t ask about a job but it just feels really good to reject someone.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I love fall -- it won’t be long before I can drink three beers, go outside and write my name in the snow with nature’s fountain pen.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We bought the Beatles version of Rock Band. It was fun for the whole family until they Pete-Bested me and replaced me with the dog.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|It just hit me. If Mr. Takagi had just given Hans Gruber the pass codes to the Nakatomi Plaza vault...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|...then John and Holly McClane’s marriage might never have been saved that magical Christmas Eve. Love is a glorious thing.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I miss Forrest Tucker. I really do. Sorry to bring you down, but I have to express my feelings.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|October 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’ve never seen such amazing fall colors -- I’m in my bathroom taking some pills Otto sold me.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|You know what makes baseball less boring? Football on the other channels.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|You wanna know my favorite thing about the World Series? That American teams usually win it. Up yours, World. USA! USA!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I love “The Big Bang Theory”. I can laugh at nerds from my couch instead of going all the way to the Apple Store.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If you’re wondering what happened to that carved pumpkin you put out by your door... I ate it.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 3, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I think if A-Rod wants to earn all that money, he should at least have the decency to go by his full name: Alex Rod.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 4, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Fall is here and it’s once again time to watch Regis Philbin’s hair change colors.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If I see another baseball player adjust his crotch on national TV, I’ll win Moe’s “Great American Crotch Grabbing Sweepstakes.”}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Here’s a great baseball drinking game. Every pitch, drink a beer. When you wake in the hospital, the nurses will tell you who won.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m drunk. No, wait I’m trying to get drunk. Big difference.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Taking care of Maggie. My shift ends when one of us has to go to the bathroom.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 7, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m using that steroid cream Barry Bonds used. Wait, instead of Barry Bonds it was my father and instead of steroids, it was hemorrhoids.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 8, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Elvis Costello said “What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?” To that list I’d add Dane Cook and “The Family Circus.”}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 9, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|LOL OMG ROTFL :) :( WTF YYSW... Sorry, I had a mini stroke while I was writing “hello.”}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 10, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Trying to help Lisa with her math homework. Did you know that multiplication and division are enemies?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just turned on that show “So you think you can dance?” My answer is “No, I don’t”.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just Helping Lisa with her homework. Now I remember why I never did homework.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I hate that show “The Office”. All they do is look at the camera. Uh, professionalism, anyone?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I want to thank our veterans for being brave. Also, since we’re talking, can I have some of your medals? You have lots and I have none.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 16, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I made one of those trace-your-hand turkeys. It tasted horrible.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 19, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Had a great idea for a movie. A comedy with some romantic stuff also.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 20, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If prisoners use cigarettes as money to buy things in jail, what do they use to buy cigarettes? Think about it. I know I won't.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 20, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We celebrate Thanksgiving in November but forget it’s also Aviation History Month. Think how you'd feel if you were that. Bad, I bet.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving but the Canadians have their Thanksgiving in October and they took all the thanks. Stupid frozen jerks.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|The only bad part of Thanksgiving is that a lot of turkeys and the Detroit Lions get killed. That’s a joke you can tell people. I did!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Woo Hoo! #Thanksgiving. One of the two holidays the government says Mr. Burns has to give us off.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I love #Thanksgiving. It’s like the calendar is giving me one month to convince that sucker Santa that I’ve been a good boy.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Today is “Black Friday”, biggest shopping day of the year. I call it “Blecch Friday” because turkey doesn’t agree with me.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 27, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Big shopping day today. If you’re buying me clothes as a Christmas gift, remember there are eight “X”s before the L – XXXXXXXXL}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Big shopping day today. Marge, if you're reading this, we need beer and diapers. If you can’t carry everything, forget the diapers.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’ve figured out a great way to get all our Christmas cards for free.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|November 30, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We’re going to put on our red sweaters and Santa hats, then run through 100 different “Photo-Enforced” red lights. Take that, Hallmark!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just read a great Tweet by @jeremypiven}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|God, I hate my boss so much! Oops, better not post that. Thank God I know how to stop sending a tweet...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 5, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|My stupid ugly boss would kill me otherwise.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Feeling hungry. Lisa’s gingerbread house is about to go into foreclosure.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 11, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Okay, I heard Linus's speech, but I still say Charlie Brown's tree sucks and he ruined Christmas.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Warning: do not buy a tree from Moe's Discount Tree Stand unless you like a living room full of pine bark beetles.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We just watched "Rudolph" and I realized something...}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Santa in that show is a bigger jerk than Mr. Burns! Watch it again and you'll agree.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|One time at Moe’s, there was only enough left in the keg for 1 beer, but that keg ended up having enough for 8 beers}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 12, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|That miracle made the Chanukah miracle come to life, except Moe’s is better ‘cause it involves beer. Good silver medal though, Chanukah.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Marge wanted a candlelight dinner so I took her to Krusty’s for a Chanukah meal. Yeah, she didn’t think that was funny either.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Homer the Red-Nosed Rummy, had a very shiny nose, 'cause instead of Christmas shopping, he got really drunk at Moe's.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I told Maggie it’s easy to tell the real Santa from all those fake ones collecting for charity on the street.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 13, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Just heard a song called “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I'm outraged. Santa comes near Marge, he's a fat jolly dead elf.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Why can’t it be: if you stand under mistletoe, someone has to give you a hamburger?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We used Barney as a dreidel for a while, spinning him around and betting on how he’d land. We stopped when he threw up on all our shoes.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 14, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Does anyone know where I can buy a Kwanzaa bush? Otherwise it's coming out of Flanders' front yard.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 15, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be in front of my TV at dawn for the Golden Globe nominations.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 15, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'll be there because I plan on passing out on the TV room floor the night before.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 15, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Congrats to "Precious" on its Golden Globe nomination! I haven't seen it yet, but is it just about Gollum, or is Frodo in it too?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 16, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I hate how on Chanukah people make potato pancakes. Those pancakes could be used for vodka or even potato beer!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I'm hanging upside down off the roof in a tangle of holiday lights. Could someone tell Marge? But do not tell Bart.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 17, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Someone told Bart! I'm a human ice-ball target!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 18, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Holiday treat idea: lardnog.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 18, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Latkes are just like donuts but with no hole and different ingredients and a different shape}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 18, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|My favorite Christmas Carol is Carol Channing. We should see more of her.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Christmas comes but once a year, but it's okay because every other day you can drink beer.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I just realized, you can also drink beer on Christmas. I love Christmas!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 21, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|December 21 is the shortest day of the year, but Patty and Selma are visiting and I’ve never seen a day last longer.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? No I'm not, that's why I hit your dumb sleigh with my car.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I got a great idea. I’m gonna write a song about Christmas. It’ll be huge and no one’s ever done it before.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|If this goes well, maybe I’ll write a song about love – another unexplored area.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|So I got a job as a department store Santa and now I can enjoy my time at home, knowing I’m not showing up for that.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Anybody need some myrrh? I’m regifting. Keeping the frankincense, though. That stuff rocks.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|This Santa Claus guy also goes by “Kris Kringle” and has no known address. Sounds suspicious.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 22, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I’m turning him in to the FBI - right after he brings me my massage chair.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|On Christmas, we love to watch that show where that big log just burns all night -- otherwise known as "The Glenn Beck Program."}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|There’s a horrible alcoholic at Moe’s who has a bright red nose.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|We were all looking forward to calling him “Rudolph” at Christmas-time, but then he went sober and stopped coming in.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Kind of selfish of him if you ask me.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 23, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I get the next few days off for Christmas. It’s not as much fun having time off when you’re not even supposed to be at work.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I learned a great lesson today. If you let Christmas carolers into your house, double check that they didn’t drive there in a “REPO” van.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I found a baby abandoned outside the other day. But when I took it to the police they arrested me for vandalizing a nativity scene.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|What’s gone wrong with this country?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 24, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I love playing videogames with Bart - it still counts as time spent together but I don't have to talk to him. Now that's parenting!}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, you could hear me yelling as I tried to assemble Bart's stupid new dirt bike.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I know it’s Christmastime when Moe serves his famous red and green beer. When I compliment him on it, he’s modest –}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|...he just says algae comes in all different colors.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 25, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Does anyone have an incredibly thoughtful and personal gift they could lend to a man who forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|I plan on recycling our Christmas tree this year... by keeping it up until next year.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|College football is the best - it's a chance to get an early look at all the superstars and has-beens of tomorrow.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 26, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Bowl game I’d like to see: tapioca versus pudding.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|You know how college quarterbacks have the most helmet stickers?}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 28, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Seems like if their opponents figure that out, there goes the element of surprise about who’s playing quarterback.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|There’s so many different college bowl games, it’s hard to know which team I don’t know anything about to root for.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 29, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Everyone talks about the quarterback at Notre Dame, but never the hunchback. That’s a joke I made up. Try telling it and I’ll sue you.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|It's almost time for New Year's Rockin' Eve, where I begin the new year by watching the music acts and feeling incredibly old and depressed.}}
| |
| − | {{TBT|December 31, 2009}}
| |
| − | {{TB|Practice New Years Eve countdown: "Ten, nine, eight, four, seven, nine, whatever..." What? That's how I count when I'm wasted.}}
| |
| | }} | | }} |
Page for checking formatting of Tweets tables before placing them into the mainspace.
