Difference between revisions of "User:Mythigator/Sandbox/Tweets workspace"

Revision as of 00:49, June 14, 2019

Page for checking formatting of Tweets tables before placing them into the mainspace.

2009

Date	Tweet
July 24, 2009	Hey, it’s Homer! Have you heard of this new thing called “Twitter”? Try it, it's cool.
July 24, 2009	At Moe’s getting drunk and I just bet Lenny I can do a front flip off the bar!
July 24, 2009	At the hospital getting stitches.
July 24, 2009	I just bet the doctor I can do a flip off the stretcher!
July 24, 2009	At the hospital getting a rod put into my spine.
July 24, 2009	Oh yeah, @aplusk ? Well I think your tweets are boring, pointless, ilbilerate and flul fo splelnig rerors!
July 24, 2009	I'm learbing to text wigh my thjubs... so fat, so goo.
July 25, 2009	My Dad found this old home movie of when I was a kid. Check it out. http://bit.ly/yDOWp
July 25, 2009	I didn’t vote for @algore, but I thank him every day for giving us this. http://bit.ly/2RSkAB
July 25, 2009	I was eating pancakes and I spilled syyyyrup all over the "yyyyyyy" keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
July 25, 2009	I’m at Comic-Con! I’m hoping to meet Matt Groening so I can thank him for giving us “Family Guy.” #sdcc
July 25, 2009	Man, everybody at Comic-Con dresses so weird. Socks with shoes? I guess it takes all kinds.
July 25, 2009	I’m at Comic-Con and I just saw a toddler dressed up like George Lucas...
July 25, 2009	He’s so cute in his fake beard and little – oh, wait, that is George Lucas. #sdcc
July 26, 2009	To that dude who keeps honking at me: I can’t go any faster. I’m pushing the car with my feet through a hole in the floor.
July 26, 2009	I accidentally put underwear on outside my pants, so can everyone reading this do the same thing so I don’t look stupid.
July 26, 2009	I’m engaged in the act of love with a meatball sub.
July 26, 2009	What am I doing right now? Tweeting obviously, you idiot.
July 27, 2009	My friend Lenny says if I want to do Twitter my tweets can't be more than one hundred and forty characters long, but I think he's full of cr
July 27, 2009	Who dares me to push this big red button on my nuclear plant control workstation?
July 28, 2009	Marge says I can't say I'm in the bathroom so I'm... Uh, raking leaves.
July 28, 2009	I'm Homer Simpson and I smell like poop and I eat poop for breakfast and my name is Captain Poop.
July 28, 2009	Bart Why you little... get off my account!
July 28, 2009	Marge, my head is stuck between the stair railings again. Marge? Marge!
July 28, 2009	Hey, I’m at the mall and I’ve lost Bart. If anyone finds him, please don’t tweet me.
July 28, 2009	@[username redacted] Thanks for writing me. We’re like pen pals except I left my pen in my pocket and sat down and stained the couch with ink.
July 29, 2009	Putting my pants on.
July 29, 2009	Hey, these aren’t my pants! It’s an eighty gallon blue trash bag.
July 29, 2009	But it fits pretty good...
July 29, 2009	Putting on my trash bag.
July 29, 2009	Relax, those nuclear meltdown sirens you’re hearing are just a drill. The radioactive gas escape alarms are real, though.
July 30, 2009	Check this out, I’m tweeting while driving! There’s Moe’s and there’s the Kwik-E-Mart and now I’m out of control and flying off a bri...
July 30, 2009	You know what’s great? Leaving your kids in the car and then forgetting where you parked it.
July 30, 2009	I’m a huge fan of that show “The Biggest Loser”, but Marge says I should call it by its other title, “The Glenn Beck Program.”
July 30, 2009	If a “ham”-burger is made of beef, then a club sandwich should be made of knives. Think about it.
July 30, 2009	Three things I found in my belly button: lint, a PB&J sandwich, and the skeleton of a squirrel. So cute!
July 31, 2009	I called in sick but really I'm at the dogtrack. Stupid boss -- he's too old to know about Twitter.
July 31, 2009	Humiliated nuclear safety technician seeks work. Contact H. Simpson, 742 Evergreen Terrace.
July 31, 2009	Check out http://tinyurl.com/A56HX89UT ! PS: there’s nothing there, but I wanted to look like the cool guys who put urls in their tweets.
August 1, 2009	If you’re at the bottom of this waterslide, attention! My bathing suit is coming down before me.
August 2, 2009	Marge, if you're reading Twitter, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's been five great years of marriage!
August 2, 2009	FIFTEEN years of marriage. Thanks Lisa.
August 4, 2009	Okay, here I am live-tweeting Lisa’s saxophone recital.
August 4, 2009	She’s playing the first note and <SNORE>.
August 4, 2009	That’s right, my cellphone has a feature that texts my snoring sounds.
August 4, 2009	To the cop chasing me: I know I’m speeding, but I’ve got a great excuse-- I’m in a hurry to get to a bar.
August 5, 2009	I know Americans are adopting kids from Africa, but are any Africans adopting American kids? ‘Cause I’ve got a boy available, cheap.
August 5, 2009	Babies, old people and astronauts all get to wear diapers. But nobody calls THAT a conspiracy.
August 6, 2009	Quick question-- I'm helping Bart with his homework. Is math the thing with the numbers, or the thing where the cow goes moo?
August 6, 2009	It's too bad Paula's leaving American Idol. I'm really gonna miss her saying mean things to people in her British accent...
August 6, 2009	...What? That's a different guy? Oh, then who cares.
August 7, 2009	To the dude who’s honking at me: I’m blocking the intersection because I’m having an NPR driveway moment, so blame the liberal media.
August 7, 2009	BOOM-BOOM-CHA, BOOM-BOOM-CHA, I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU, BOOM-BOOM-CHA-- sorry, Marge, but "Guitar Heroes" don't "knock it off."
August 8, 2009	Hey everybody, let’s list our favorite fifteenth century Spanish Inquisitors. Mine: Torquemada.
August 9, 2009	Shopping for pants... At a maternity store
August 10, 2009	Trying to figure out a vanity license plate. What does "Utah" mean?
August 11, 2009	Business idea: hamburger with two hamburgers for buns and patty made of hamburgers. Possible special sauce -- liquid hamburger.
August 12, 2009	Anybody know a good restaurant in Rome? I'm going there in eighteen years when Maggie goes to college.
August 12, 2009	Help! I found half a pizza in the garbage but a raccoon is fighting me for it. Stupid raccoon! Ow! I'm sorry raccoon you're awesome.
August 13, 2009	To the boogeyman in my closet: why can’t you just be cool, man?
August 14, 2009	@[username redacted]] Thanks! I always appreciate feedback – especially when the back I’m being fed is from a cow or pig.
August 14, 2009	Man, was it hot today. I guess the “Dog Days of August” are here. How hot is that in Human Days?
August 14, 2009	Sitting on the throne right now. Good thing I brought my computer, so I can read the newspaper.
August 14, 2009	I just saw that hilarious movie about the Guinea Pig commandos. What was it called again? Right, “Platoon.”
August 15, 2009	Hey, did you watch the History Channel last night? Then you are lame.
August 16, 2009	I'm at church. Come on everyone, let's tweet: boring boring boring.
August 16, 2009	Marge says stop making fun of church with advanced internet technology.
August 17, 2009	Woo hoo! I'm standing on top of Mt. Everest. Um, is anyone else up there? I mean, here? No? Then woo hoo, I'm on top of Mt Everest!
August 19, 2009	Come on, adult web sites -- help me set the record for most fake followers on Twitter.
August 19, 2009	If life gives you lemons, make a cheese pizza.
August 21, 2009	If @snoopdogg married Snoopy the dog, that would be awesome, but our stupid prejudiced politicians say it's illegal. Fight the power!
August 21, 2009	If electricity is so smart how come it can't drive? I can drive, and I'm an idiot.
August 23, 2009	Woo! I'm at a U2 concert! They're playing their hit "U2 It Up Baby" and I... okay, I admit it, I'm home alone on the sofa. U2 rox!
August 23, 2009	Choking on a sandwich. Man, it's delicious
August 24, 2009	Just getting my blood pressure checked - hey, it's the same as my weight – 320!
August 24, 2009	In my car. I heard a radio ad for a sale on TV's. I know that's ironic, I just don't know why
August 25, 2009	Shaving my back.
August 25, 2009	Wait, this isn't my back.
August 25, 2009	Who the hell's back is this?
August 26, 2009	Eating a taco salad. If it wasn't for the taco, this thing would suck!
August 26, 2009	Chasing a coffee truck trying to force it off the road or at least knock some bacon loose.
August 27, 2009	Eating. What the hell business is it of yours?
August 27, 2009	Eating. And no you can't have some.
August 27, 2009	Just kind of sleeping and watching TV. Oh, yeah, also at work.
August 29, 2009	I’m with Lenny and Carl and I’m calling them both Lenny. I’m doing it as an experiment and also because I forgot which one is really Lenny.
August 29, 2009	I can’t tweet right now. The policeman that pulled me over says I have to blow into some sort of machine.
August 29, 2009	I’m in my favorite chair with the TV turned up so loud I can’t hear my wife or kids. I call this paradise.
August 30, 2009	I’m using Flanders’ computer to write this. I’m not gonna pay for internet when it’s free next door, just like air-conditioning.
August 31, 2009	I was trying to grow a moustache but I gave up after a few minutes. Too boring.
September 2, 2009	Eating vegetables - they're not bad if you dip them in syrup. But what isn't?
September 2, 2009	Fighting the dog over some food that fell on the ground.
September 3, 2009	Just waiting for the fire department to come and cut me out of this phone booth.
September 4, 2009	At Moe’s about to tell him I will stop tweeting so he can put down the shotgun already.
September 5, 2009	Taking Marge out for dinner. Oh, I’ll have to write more later, we’re next at the drive-through speaker.
September 5, 2009	Had a great idea for a movie. A thriller that’s also really good.
September 5, 2009	Being attacked by a moose. Send help.
September 7, 2009	That “Funny Video” show is sick. Tonight they showed a plane crash and a shooting. What is America coming to... wait that was the news.
September 7, 2009	I just had a million dollar idea: make a million dollars.
September 7, 2009	Well, it’s Monday again, or, as I call it, pre-pre-humpday.
September 8, 2009	I’m all for tolerance, but if I hear one more jerk say “catsup”, I’m gonna go ape.
September 12, 2009	Eating a foot long hot dog.
September 12, 2009	Still eating it.
September 12, 2009	Still eating it. I’m about six inches in.
September 12, 2009	If you’re reading this, I pity you.
September 12, 2009	Have you seen the YouTube where the news lady farts and falls over? I haven’t.
September 14, 2009	Check out this awesome link! http://bit.ly/BPV3E
September 14, 2009	If you think Tur-duck-en is good, then you haven't lived until you've tried Tur-rib-nut-butter-burger-twizzler-Os.
September 15, 2009	If The Beatles were so great, then how come they never won on “America’s Got Talent”?
September 17, 2009	I think it's wrong that so many people get their news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.
September 17, 2009	If anyone sees Marge, will you tell her I’m on a listening tour of the Middle East? That one’s worked before.
September 18, 2009	I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.
September 20, 2009	Beware of an internet scam about a Prince from Nigeria asking for your credit card number. The guy from Botswana is on the level.
September 21, 2009	Lisa! Stop playing that stupid saxophone! Oops, I tweeted instead of talked again.
September 23, 2009	Anyone know what "tweet" rhymes with? If you do tell me. I'm trying to write a rap song.
September 23, 2009	I’m just sitting in traffic watching my car sit on the median, on fire. Oh wait, I just figured it out – I am traffic. Cool!
September 24, 2009	I thought I had lost my cell phone but then I saw it on my x-ray. Whew! I was worried.
September 25, 2009	I heard there was another Homer Simpson tweeting out there. How do I know I’m not him?
September 25, 2009	Can I ask you guys a question? Where does your laptop computer go if you can’t find your lap?
September 25, 2009	I’m at a romantic restaurant with the most beautiful creature in the world -- a prime rib. You know, I should bring Marge here.
September 26, 2009	I'm tweeting like I'm a big star. I feel like Beyonce. Now, I’m gonna undress in front of a mirror and see what Beyonce looks like nude.
September 26, 2009	@[username redacted] Hey, thanks for the kind words, unless yours weren’t kind, in which case: screw you, turkey!
September 26, 2009	@[username redacted] Thanks for writing back. When Lisa helps me read what you wrote, I’ll get back to you.
September 26, 2009	There’s 86400 seconds in a day, but only one lunch. How is that fair?
September 28, 2009	Warning -- I just cut a big one. If you can read this tweet, you’re in range.
September 28, 2009	I don’t get all the praise for that show “Mad Men”. I watched a whole episode and didn’t see Alfred E. Neuman or Fonebone once!
September 30, 2009	I just ate a baked potato shaped like Alex Baldwin. I wonder if he tastes liked baked potato.
September 30, 2009	If anyone has tips on getting your head unwedged from staircase banister rails, I’m listening.
September 30, 2009	Sleep - the most fun you can have at a nuclear power plant safety workstation.
October 1, 2009	Hey, you at the buffet -- hands off that shrimp platter. I saw it first
October 3, 2009	Bill Gates, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got one of those diseases your foundation fights. So, uh, can I get 10 bucks?
October 3, 2009	I’m taking parachute lessons. I’m just gonna finish this tweet before pulling the ripcord -- I’m pretty sure there’s enough ti
October 4, 2009	Just finished the New York Times crossword puzzle in 8 minutes. Filled it up with all kinds of letters.
October 5, 2009	I just thought of something: Star Wars, like walking up stairs, used to be great when I was in high school.
October 5, 2009	If Obama’s so great, how come he can’t do a brain transplant? I can’t do one either and I’m awesome.
October 8, 2009	I heard another guy was pretending to be me on Twitter. How come no one pretends to be me when it’s time to pay the gas bill?
October 9, 2009	Hey all, it’s Miller time! So crack open an icy cold play by Arthur Miller and enjoy the cool, crisp dialogue. Ooh -- subtextual!
October 9, 2009	Isn’t it amazing that huge jetliners can fly all by themselves?
October 9, 2009	...At least I hope they can, cause I just accidentally knocked the pilot and co-pilot out when I opened the bathroom door.
October 10, 2009	Hey, President Obama: Why should I let the government have a Public Option for healthcare if they won’t let me have one for nudity?
October 11, 2009	When leaves fall off the trees is that nature or suicide? Whatever, let science nerds figure it out.
October 11, 2009	Hey everyone! I’m going to do a corn maze, and you can all help! What fun!
October 11, 2009	Okay, I’m in the maze at a junction. Everyboy tweet me, should I go left or right?
October 11, 2009	Okay, half said go left, half said go right. So, uh, I’ll guess right. But keep sending directions!
October 11, 2009	I’ve been following your directions for 5 hours and I’m still trapped here. Somebody please help me!
October 12, 2009	So cold. So cold. Corn Maze God, I beg you, have mercy.
October 12, 2009	Well, the maintenance crew found me this morning. So who wants to go again?!
October 13, 2009	Memo to Bruce Springsteen: you rock
October 13, 2009	Hello, Rock-tober! I thought SmoothJazz-tember would never end.
October 13, 2009	I love Fall. It’s the time of year when schools take over the job of acting like someone cares about your children.
October 17, 2009	Well, it’s turning cold. Time to put the dog in the closet for his winter hibernation... Stop fighting, boy... in... you... go..
October 17, 2009	There’s nothing more fun on a fall day than raking a big pile of leaves to hide the dog poop you don’t want to pick up.
October 17, 2009	Here’s a fun thing to try. Record the football game this Sunday, then have your friends over to watch it with you.
October 17, 2009	Then spoil it by telling them what’s going to happen before it happens.
October 18, 2009	Last night I saw a “Barenaked Ladies” concert. Total ripoff -- it was just fat ugly women on stage
October 19, 2009	I just realized something. The NBA is just a rip-off of the WNBA! I’ve never been so mad.
October 19, 2009	@[username redacted] I got your response and unfortunately, I’m not hiring at this time.
October 19, 2009	@[username redacted] ...I know you didn’t ask about a job but it just feels really good to reject someone.
October 22, 2009	I love fall -- it won’t be long before I can drink three beers, go outside and write my name in the snow with nature’s fountain pen.
October 24, 2009	We bought the Beatles version of Rock Band. It was fun for the whole family until they Pete-Bested me and replaced me with the dog.
October 24, 2009	It just hit me. If Mr. Takagi had just given Hans Gruber the pass codes to the Nakatomi Plaza vault...
October 24, 2009	...then John and Holly McClane’s marriage might never have been saved that magical Christmas Eve. Love is a glorious thing.
October 26, 2009	I miss Forrest Tucker. I really do. Sorry to bring you down, but I have to express my feelings.
October 28, 2009	I’ve never seen such amazing fall colors -- I’m in my bathroom taking some pills Otto sold me.
November 3, 2009	You know what makes baseball less boring? Football on the other channels.
November 3, 2009	You wanna know my favorite thing about the World Series? That American teams usually win it. Up yours, World. USA! USA!
November 3, 2009	I love “The Big Bang Theory”. I can laugh at nerds from my couch instead of going all the way to the Apple Store.
November 3, 2009	If you’re wondering what happened to that carved pumpkin you put out by your door... I ate it.
November 3, 2009	I think if A-Rod wants to earn all that money, he should at least have the decency to go by his full name: Alex Rod.
November 4, 2009	Fall is here and it’s once again time to watch Regis Philbin’s hair change colors.
November 5, 2009	If I see another baseball player adjust his crotch on national TV, I’ll win Moe’s “Great American Crotch Grabbing Sweepstakes.”
November 5, 2009	Here’s a great baseball drinking game. Every pitch, drink a beer. When you wake in the hospital, the nurses will tell you who won.
November 5, 2009	I’m drunk. No, wait I’m trying to get drunk. Big difference.
November 5, 2009	Taking care of Maggie. My shift ends when one of us has to go to the bathroom.
November 7, 2009	I’m using that steroid cream Barry Bonds used. Wait, instead of Barry Bonds it was my father and instead of steroids, it was hemorrhoids.
November 8, 2009	Elvis Costello said “What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?” To that list I’d add Dane Cook and “The Family Circus.”
November 9, 2009	LOL OMG ROTFL :) :( WTF YYSW... Sorry, I had a mini stroke while I was writing “hello.”
November 10, 2009	Trying to help Lisa with her math homework. Did you know that multiplication and division are enemies?
November 11, 2009	I just turned on that show “So you think you can dance?” My answer is “No, I don’t”.
November 13, 2009	Just Helping Lisa with her homework. Now I remember why I never did homework.
November 13, 2009	I hate that show “The Office”. All they do is look at the camera. Uh, professionalism, anyone?
November 13, 2009	I want to thank our veterans for being brave. Also, since we’re talking, can I have some of your medals? You have lots and I have none.
November 13, 2009	I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.
November 16, 2009	I made one of those trace-your-hand turkeys. It tasted horrible.
November 19, 2009	Had a great idea for a movie. A comedy with some romantic stuff also.
November 20, 2009	If prisoners use cigarettes as money to buy things in jail, what do they use to buy cigarettes? Think about it. I know I won't.
November 20, 2009	We celebrate Thanksgiving in November but forget it’s also Aviation History Month. Think how you'd feel if you were that. Bad, I bet.
November 25, 2009	I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving but the Canadians have their Thanksgiving in October and they took all the thanks. Stupid frozen jerks.
November 26, 2009	The only bad part of Thanksgiving is that a lot of turkeys and the Detroit Lions get killed. That’s a joke you can tell people. I did!
November 26, 2009	Woo Hoo! #Thanksgiving. One of the two holidays the government says Mr. Burns has to give us off.
November 26, 2009	I love #Thanksgiving. It’s like the calendar is giving me one month to convince that sucker Santa that I’ve been a good boy.
November 27, 2009	Today is “Black Friday”, biggest shopping day of the year. I call it “Blecch Friday” because turkey doesn’t agree with me.
November 27, 2009	Big shopping day today. If you’re buying me clothes as a Christmas gift, remember there are eight “X”s before the L – XXXXXXXXL
November 28, 2009	Big shopping day today. Marge, if you're reading this, we need beer and diapers. If you can’t carry everything, forget the diapers.
November 30, 2009	I’ve figured out a great way to get all our Christmas cards for free.
November 30, 2009	We’re going to put on our red sweaters and Santa hats, then run through 100 different “Photo-Enforced” red lights. Take that, Hallmark!
December 5, 2009	I just read a great Tweet by @jeremypiven
December 5, 2009	God, I hate my boss so much! Oops, better not post that. Thank God I know how to stop sending a tweet...
December 5, 2009	My stupid ugly boss would kill me otherwise.
December 11, 2009	Feeling hungry. Lisa’s gingerbread house is about to go into foreclosure.
December 11, 2009	Okay, I heard Linus's speech, but I still say Charlie Brown's tree sucks and he ruined Christmas.
December 12, 2009	Warning: do not buy a tree from Moe's Discount Tree Stand unless you like a living room full of pine bark beetles.
December 12, 2009	We just watched "Rudolph" and I realized something...
December 12, 2009	Santa in that show is a bigger jerk than Mr. Burns! Watch it again and you'll agree.
December 12, 2009	One time at Moe’s, there was only enough left in the keg for 1 beer, but that keg ended up having enough for 8 beers
December 12, 2009	That miracle made the Chanukah miracle come to life, except Moe’s is better ‘cause it involves beer. Good silver medal though, Chanukah.
December 13, 2009	Marge wanted a candlelight dinner so I took her to Krusty’s for a Chanukah meal. Yeah, she didn’t think that was funny either.
December 13, 2009	Homer the Red-Nosed Rummy, had a very shiny nose, 'cause instead of Christmas shopping, he got really drunk at Moe's.
December 13, 2009	I told Maggie it’s easy to tell the real Santa from all those fake ones collecting for charity on the street.
December 13, 2009	Just heard a song called “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I'm outraged. Santa comes near Marge, he's a fat jolly dead elf.
December 14, 2009	Why can’t it be: if you stand under mistletoe, someone has to give you a hamburger?
December 14, 2009	We used Barney as a dreidel for a while, spinning him around and betting on how he’d land. We stopped when he threw up on all our shoes.
December 14, 2009	Does anyone know where I can buy a Kwanzaa bush? Otherwise it's coming out of Flanders' front yard.
December 15, 2009	I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be in front of my TV at dawn for the Golden Globe nominations.
December 15, 2009	I'll be there because I plan on passing out on the TV room floor the night before.
December 15, 2009	Congrats to "Precious" on its Golden Globe nomination! I haven't seen it yet, but is it just about Gollum, or is Frodo in it too?
December 16, 2009	I hate how on Chanukah people make potato pancakes. Those pancakes could be used for vodka or even potato beer!
December 17, 2009	I'm hanging upside down off the roof in a tangle of holiday lights. Could someone tell Marge? But do not tell Bart.
December 17, 2009	Someone told Bart! I'm a human ice-ball target!
December 18, 2009	Holiday treat idea: lardnog.
December 18, 2009	Latkes are just like donuts but with no hole and different ingredients and a different shape
December 18, 2009	My favorite Christmas Carol is Carol Channing. We should see more of her.
December 21, 2009	Christmas comes but once a year, but it's okay because every other day you can drink beer.
December 21, 2009	I just realized, you can also drink beer on Christmas. I love Christmas!
December 21, 2009	December 21 is the shortest day of the year, but Patty and Selma are visiting and I’ve never seen a day last longer.
December 22, 2009	Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? No I'm not, that's why I hit your dumb sleigh with my car.
December 22, 2009	I got a great idea. I’m gonna write a song about Christmas. It’ll be huge and no one’s ever done it before.
December 22, 2009	If this goes well, maybe I’ll write a song about love – another unexplored area.
December 22, 2009	So I got a job as a department store Santa and now I can enjoy my time at home, knowing I’m not showing up for that.
December 22, 2009	Anybody need some myrrh? I’m regifting. Keeping the frankincense, though. That stuff rocks.
December 22, 2009	This Santa Claus guy also goes by “Kris Kringle” and has no known address. Sounds suspicious.
December 22, 2009	I’m turning him in to the FBI - right after he brings me my massage chair.
December 23, 2009	On Christmas, we love to watch that show where that big log just burns all night -- otherwise known as "The Glenn Beck Program."
December 23, 2009	There’s a horrible alcoholic at Moe’s who has a bright red nose.
December 23, 2009	We were all looking forward to calling him “Rudolph” at Christmas-time, but then he went sober and stopped coming in.
December 23, 2009	Kind of selfish of him if you ask me.
December 23, 2009	I get the next few days off for Christmas. It’s not as much fun having time off when you’re not even supposed to be at work.
December 24, 2009	I learned a great lesson today. If you let Christmas carolers into your house, double check that they didn’t drive there in a “REPO” van.
December 24, 2009	I found a baby abandoned outside the other day. But when I took it to the police they arrested me for vandalizing a nativity scene.
December 24, 2009	What’s gone wrong with this country?
December 24, 2009	I love playing videogames with Bart - it still counts as time spent together but I don't have to talk to him. Now that's parenting!
December 25, 2009	'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, you could hear me yelling as I tried to assemble Bart's stupid new dirt bike.
December 25, 2009	I know it’s Christmastime when Moe serves his famous red and green beer. When I compliment him on it, he’s modest –
December 25, 2009	...he just says algae comes in all different colors.
December 25, 2009	Does anyone have an incredibly thoughtful and personal gift they could lend to a man who forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present?
December 26, 2009	I plan on recycling our Christmas tree this year... by keeping it up until next year.
December 26, 2009	College football is the best - it's a chance to get an early look at all the superstars and has-beens of tomorrow.
December 26, 2009	Bowl game I’d like to see: tapioca versus pudding.
December 28, 2009	You know how college quarterbacks have the most helmet stickers?
December 28, 2009	Seems like if their opponents figure that out, there goes the element of surprise about who’s playing quarterback.
December 29, 2009	There’s so many different college bowl games, it’s hard to know which team I don’t know anything about to root for.
December 29, 2009	Everyone talks about the quarterback at Notre Dame, but never the hunchback. That’s a joke I made up. Try telling it and I’ll sue you.
December 31, 2009	It's almost time for New Year's Rockin' Eve, where I begin the new year by watching the music acts and feeling incredibly old and depressed.
December 31, 2009	Practice New Years Eve countdown: "Ten, nine, eight, four, seven, nine, whatever..." What? That's how I count when I'm wasted.