Difference between revisions of "Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card"
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[[File:Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card.jpg|250px|thumb]] | [[File:Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card.jpg|250px|thumb]] | ||
| − | '''Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card''' is three | + | '''Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card''' is a set of three cards with excuses that [[Homer]] provides to avoid various obligations. The cards are included in ''[[Homer Simpson's Little Book of Laziness]]'', in a pocket inside the rear cover. |
| − | ==Excuses Card== | + | == Excuses Card == |
| − | ===Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay=== | + | === Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay === |
| − | #That's not | + | #That's not really in my wheelhouse. |
| − | #I | + | #I would, but I'm allergic to (something having to do with the request). |
| − | #I've been | + | #I've been diagnosed with halitosis. |
#I have a herniated ass bone. | #I have a herniated ass bone. | ||
#Today is a religious holiday, the feast of the Somnambulant intermission. | #Today is a religious holiday, the feast of the Somnambulant intermission. | ||
| Line 13: | Line 12: | ||
#I'm supposed to do a favor for the pope that day. | #I'm supposed to do a favor for the pope that day. | ||
#My boss considers that moonlighting, even if I don't get paid to do it. | #My boss considers that moonlighting, even if I don't get paid to do it. | ||
| − | #I sprained my | + | #I sprained my uterus. |
#Sure, but first my lawyer requires that you sign a form releasing me from all responsibility. He should be in touch with you in a week or two. | #Sure, but first my lawyer requires that you sign a form releasing me from all responsibility. He should be in touch with you in a week or two. | ||
| − | ===Family duties such as reading a | + | === Family duties such as reading a bedtime story, helping with the dishes, or attending a parent-teacher conference === |
| − | #I would gladly do this, but I | + | #I would gladly do this, but I have temporary amnesia. What was the question again? |
#I read a report that says successful parents/spouses should never do (whatever the duty is). | #I read a report that says successful parents/spouses should never do (whatever the duty is). | ||
#I have the heartbreak of psoriasis. | #I have the heartbreak of psoriasis. | ||
| Line 28: | Line 27: | ||
#Remember the old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself! | #Remember the old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself! | ||
| − | ===Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people=== | + | === Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people === |
| − | #After that tragic incident that last time, I promised my wife/husband/Self I would never (whatever the requested | + | #After that tragic incident that last time, I promised my wife/husband/Self I would never (whatever the requested favor is) again! |
#An old foosball injury is flaring up. | #An old foosball injury is flaring up. | ||
#I just had hangnail surgery. | #I just had hangnail surgery. | ||
| Line 36: | Line 35: | ||
#I'm politically opposed to (whatever the request is). | #I'm politically opposed to (whatever the request is). | ||
#(Performing the requested task) is against my religion. | #(Performing the requested task) is against my religion. | ||
| − | #I must | + | #I must warn you, I have tourette's syndrome, you @$$#O!!%! |
#You have mistaken me for my evil twin. | #You have mistaken me for my evil twin. | ||
#I'd love to, but in case I don't show up, I'ts because my car broke down. | #I'd love to, but in case I don't show up, I'ts because my car broke down. | ||
| − | [[Category: | + | [[Category:Book segments]] |
Latest revision as of 14:51, July 9, 2023
Homer Simpson's Handy Portable Excuses Card is a set of three cards with excuses that Homer provides to avoid various obligations. The cards are included in Homer Simpson's Little Book of Laziness, in a pocket inside the rear cover.
Contents
- 1 Excuses Card
- 1.1 Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay
- 1.2 Family duties such as reading a bedtime story, helping with the dishes, or attending a parent-teacher conference
- 1.3 Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people
Excuses Card[edit]
Favors such as helping a friend move, watching the neighbor's kids, or reading an associate's screenplay[edit]
- That's not really in my wheelhouse.
- I would, but I'm allergic to (something having to do with the request).
- I've been diagnosed with halitosis.
- I have a herniated ass bone.
- Today is a religious holiday, the feast of the Somnambulant intermission.
- Amazing! My horoscope warned me against doing this very thing!
- I'm supposed to do a favor for the pope that day.
- My boss considers that moonlighting, even if I don't get paid to do it.
- I sprained my uterus.
- Sure, but first my lawyer requires that you sign a form releasing me from all responsibility. He should be in touch with you in a week or two.
Family duties such as reading a bedtime story, helping with the dishes, or attending a parent-teacher conference[edit]
- I would gladly do this, but I have temporary amnesia. What was the question again?
- I read a report that says successful parents/spouses should never do (whatever the duty is).
- I have the heartbreak of psoriasis.
- It's that time of the month.
- I have a braineurism.
- I'm afraid that's above my pay grade.
- I have iron-poor blood.
- I need to spend some quality time with the dog, and the dog wants to watch TV.
- I believe it takes a village to do that.
- Remember the old adage: If you want something done right, do it yourself!
Social obligations such as delivering a eulogy, attending a friend's community theater production, or building a house for poor people[edit]
- After that tragic incident that last time, I promised my wife/husband/Self I would never (whatever the requested favor is) again!
- An old foosball injury is flaring up.
- I just had hangnail surgery.
- I have temporary blindness.
- I already committed to a barn-raising in amish country that day.
- I'm politically opposed to (whatever the request is).
- (Performing the requested task) is against my religion.
- I must warn you, I have tourette's syndrome, you @$$#O!!%!
- You have mistaken me for my evil twin.
- I'd love to, but in case I don't show up, I'ts because my car broke down.
