Flanders' Big Score/Quotes

Quotes

Ned Flanders: [narration] Hey-dilly-ho, mystery mavens! The name's Flanders but some folks call me Ned! To others I'm known as Neddy, Dad, Da-diddle-addy, Mr. F., and for some strange reason, the local police insist on calling me Huggy-Bear! But no matter the handle, I'm always ready to answer when trouble calls my name... especially the Lord's trouble!

Ned: [narration] This particular little pickle started one afternoon at the Springfield Community Church. I had arrived a teensy bit late for an important committee meeting. Our mission: put the 'fun' back in fund-raiser!

Reverend Lovejoy: Listen up, folks. It's time for our annual "I Am That I Ambrosia" cook-off! As usual, we need to lay in a tremendous supply of pink gelatin, mayonnaise, and tiny marshmallows.

Homer: Mmm... ambrosia! So pink... so goopy...

Reverend Lovejoy: Thanks be to God for a healthy church treasury and a bulkrageous Big Buyers Club membership card! Good Lord [CHOKE] we've been robbed.

Reverend Lovejoy: Let's not panic people. It just so happens that a member of our own flock is qualified to investigate this heinous crime. It seems like just the other day... ...when I handed that detective correspondence course over to Ned Flanders at the charity auction we held to buy Barney Gumble a new liver...

Ned Flanders: [flashback] With this, I'll be able to ferret out the rascal that's been clipping the doughnut coupons out of our Sunday paper!

Reverend Lovejoy: ...before long, he became a top-notch private Richard.

Ned: [narration] I informed our men in blue that I was on the case, working on behalf of the Almighty. But it was clear the Chief didn't want yours truly sniffing around.

Chief Wiggum: No way! Forget it, Flanders! This is my jurisdiction and I will not stand by and watch you screw up my investigation.

Ned: Well, okily-dokily. But will a warm and tasty bear claw convince you?

Chief Wiggum: Oh, payola, eh? Why didn't you say so?

Ned: [narration] But as the day went on, the innocent folks started to outnumber the guilty ones.

Ned: Well sir, Mr. Gumble, have you got something to confess?

Barney Gumble: You gotta believe me, Flanders! That case of communion wine was empty when I got there! [SOB] Please stop -- I can't stand plain water!

Ned: Apu, that security camera's pointed straight at my bullet riddled jalopy. It may have photographed the attacker in the act!

Apu: Unfortunately, I cannot allow you to see the tape without the express written permission of Kwik-E-Mart International.

Ned: Tell me something, neighbor. When was the last time the health inspector had a look-see at your nacho cheese dispenser?

Apu: Eep! Would you be preferring Beta, VHS, or perhaps a transfer to CD-ROM?

Ned: Reverend Lovejoy, not you?!!! What do you have to say for yourself?!

Reverend Lovejoy: Let it ride--put it on the come line--sister needs a new condo in Vail...

Ned: [narration] The Reverend didn't seem to know what was happening. Suddenly it dawned on me that evil powers were at work!

Reverend Lovejoy: What happened? Flanders, what's going on here?!

Ned: Relax, pastor! I have a feeling I know exactly who's responsible!

Herman Hermann: How'd you know it was me, Flanders? What tipped you off?

Ned: It was obvious someone had hypnotized our beloved preacher and forced him to steal and gamble on their behalf. I remember spotting you looking at that hypnotism kit at the charity auction. Knowing your tendency to stumble off the 'ol straight and narrow now and again, the rest was simple deduction. Say hello to Father Flannery at the prison chapel, will you?