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The Personalized Talking Astrolabe is a gold-plated astrolabe.

While out Christmas shopping at Springfield Heights Promenade, Homer spotted the Personalized Talking Astrolabe in the window of Things Unnecessary. Homer immediately became enamored with the object and went into the shop, where an employee showed it to him. However, he looked at the price tag of $500 and realized that if he bought it, he wouldn't have any money left to buy a Christmas tree for the family. The Astrolabe then told Homer that it was Margaret Cho's birthday, which Homer said was the birthday he always forgot. He then decided to buy the Astrolabe.

Due to buying the Astrolabe for himself, Homer had to take the family to get an awful tree in a bad part of town. The tree he purchased immediately caught fire and had to be extinguished. The family started realizing that something was wrong because they should have had enough money for a good tree. The Astrolabe, which Homer had wrapped up, then called out the time in Montreal and said that the moon was waxing that night. Homer tried to play it off as Maggie's first words, but Marge found the gift-wrapped Astrolabe and realized that Homer had wasted their money on something extravagant for himself. Lisa called Homer selfish, and the Astrolabe then told him it was not returnable and started a three-hour smoke alarm test...