Bart Sells His Soul/Quotes
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- Reverend Lovejoy: [discovering Bart's hymn prank] "Wait a minute! This sounds like rock and/or roll!"
- Sunday school room. Reverend Lovejoy has assembled all the children to find the culprit.
- Reverend Lovejoy: Everyone, repeat after me.
- Reverend Lovejoy & Children{in unison}: If I withhold the truth may I go straight to Hell where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola.
- Children are visibly terrified except for Bart.
- Bart{sarcastically}: Where my soul will be chopped into a million little pieces and used as confetti upon a parade of murderers and single mothers.
- Milhouse{serious}: Where hungry birds will eat my soul!
- Outdoors a raven looks through the window at Milhouse
- Raven: Squawk!
- Milhouse: Bart did it! That Bart over there!
- Bart: Milhouse!
- Reverend Lovejoy punishes Bart by making him clean the pipe organ.
- Reverend Lovejoy: You are going to scrub every pipe that you befouled with your rotten music! Now get to work!
- Reverend Lovejoy goes to his office.
- Bart: Milhouse! I cannot believe you sold me out!
- Milhouse: Sorry about that Bart, but I did not want hungry birds eating my soul.
- Bart: You actually fell for that one? There is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they make up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or Michael Jackson. (See References for explanation.)
- Milhouse: Of course there is a soul Bart. Why would the church talk about saving souls if they have nothing to gain from it?
- Reverend Lovejoy's office. He is placing the tithe money in a money segregator.
- Reverend Lovejoy{shouting}: I do not hear scrubbing!
- Bart and Milhouse resume cleaning the pipe organ
- Bart{sarcastically}: So Milhouse, where is your soul?
- Milhouse points towards his temple.
- Milhouse: It is believed to be right around here. When you sneeze, that is your soul trying to escape your body. Saying "God bless you" makes it go back in. Once you die it flies up to Heaven.
- Bart{unimpressed}: Uh huh. And what if you die on a ship that sinks to the seabed of the Southern Ocean?
- Milhouse: Oh it can swim. It has even got wheels if you die of dehydradration in the middle of the Gobi Desert and it needs to get out of there fast.
- Bart: How can someone with glasses so thick be so dull? I do not have a soul. You do not have a soul. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SOUL!
- Milhouse: OK Bart. If you are so confident there is no soul. Why do you not sell yours to me?
- Bart is at the Kwik-E-Mart. He cannot get the automatic door to work for him.
- Bart{talking to himself}: Oh, come on! Why will this stupid door not work?
- Door opens for Rod and Todd Flanders.
- Rod & Tod{in unison}: Thank you, door!
- Bart enters Kwik-E-Mart, tailing in on the entry of the Flanders brothers. He sees Jimbo by the ice cream freezer.
- Jimbo: Hey Bart, watch this.
- Jimbo makes graffiti, then breathes on it.
- Graffiti: BITE ME.
- Jimbo: The ice cream man is going to freak when he comes to restock the freezer. You try.
- Bart attempts to breathe on his graffiti but nothing happens.
- Jimbo: Way to breathe, No-Breath!
- Lisa: [saying Grace] "May God have mercy on my soul, and Dad's soul, and Mom's soul, and Maggie's soul, and everybody else's soul."
- Bart: [praying] "Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid attention at church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm...afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? [starts crying] Oh, I hope you can hear this." [Bart's "soul paper" floats down from above]
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