Simpson and Delilah/Quotes

Quotes

Entire Simpson family is watching a game show

Game show host: The capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?

Homer: Hitler!

Marge: Homer, I do not think there is a city named Hitler, North Dakota.

Game show host: Bismarck is the correct answer! Now for our next question, the colors of the flag of Italy are red, white, and what other color?

Bart: Orange?

Marge: Yellow?

Homer: Green!

Lisa: Blue?

Patty: Purple?

Selma: Black?

Game show host: Green is the correct answer!

Homer: Woo hoo!

Bart: Lucky guess, Dad.

Homer: Shut up boy, I am doing better than you.

Game show host: We will be back with more Grade School Challenge after a word from our sponsors.

*Sign at The Royal Majesty for the Obese or Gangly Gentleman, the store where Homer buys his suits: 'YOU RIP IT, YOU BUY IT.

Homer: (strangling Bart) "BOY! MUST! DIE!"

Bart: "I love you, Dad!"
Homer: "D'oh! (stops strangling) Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!"
Bart: "It is?!"

*(After hearing Dimoxinil is one thousand dollars)
Homer: "A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!"
Salesclerk: "Hmm...well, we do have a product which is more in your price range, however..."
(pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a twenty dollar price sticker)
Salesclerk: "I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental." audio clip

:Homer: "Oh, I wanted that Dimoxinil, but the price tag is $1,000!"

Lenny: "Charge it to the plant's medical plan."

Homer: "I cannot do that! What if Burns finds out?"

Lenny: "Hey, for Burns that is one less ivory backscratcher."

Homer submits paperwork saying that the salesclerk can bill the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant for Dimoxinil

Salesclerk (angry): Are you out of your mind? No insurance agency in the world covers anything as frivilous as Dimoxinil!

Salesclerk turns on stereo, which plays "Mexican Hat Dance"

Salesclerk (calm and whispering): Meet me in the alley in fifteen minutes. Oh, and come alone!

Homer's office. He is interviewing candidates for a secretarial job.

Homer: So besides passing the typing test, what other factors can you tell about me?

Attractive woman: Well, hairy men really turn me on.

Woman leans seductively towards Homer, who is obviously ill at ease with that.

Homer: I regret to inform you that you are not the right candidate. Best of luck elsewhere!

Woman leaves and Homer phones Marge.

Marge{on other end at Simpsons residence}: Hello?

Homer: Hey Marge.

Marge: Oh hi Homer! How is the search for a secretary going?

Homer: Lousy. They all end up making kissy faces at me.

Marge is also uncomfortable with that as is Homer

Karl: Mr. Simpson, I am Karl.

Marge: He sounds good. Hire him!

Homer hangs up phone to interview Karl

Karl: You do not belong here!

Homer: What?

Karl: You are a fraud and a liar and it is only a matter of time before they root you out!

Homer: Ulp! Who told you that?

Karl: You did! The way you slouch in your seat. The way you slump your shoulders. The way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime green polyester! Before you begin anything you should tell yourself "I got where I am. I deserve it. I am nature's greatest miracle!"

Homer: I got where I am, I deserve it. I am nature's greatest miracle!

Mr. Burns (after hearing about how much Homer defrauded the company for Dimoxomil): BLAST HIS HIDE TO HADES!! And I really wanted that ivory backscrather!

Last lines of episode

Homer: "I cannot believe it. I am stuck in the same old dead-end job that I was before and the kids are going to hate me because I am now unable to afford the things they wanted."

Marge: "Your job has always put food on our table, Homer, and the kids will get over it."

Homer: "But how about our realtionship? I am bald and ugly."

Marge: "Homer...(breaks into song)...You are so beautiful, to me."

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