Simpson and Delilah/Quotes

Quotes

Entire Simpson family is watching a game show

Game show host: Okay, the capital of North Dakota is named after what German ruler?

Homer: Hitler!

Marge: Hitler, North Dakota?

Patty and Selma: Bismarck!

Girl on game show: Bismarck!

(a bell signifying the correct answer rings)

Bart: Hitler?

Homer: Hey, I'm still beating you, boy.

Game show host: Okay, the colors of the Italian flag are red, white, and what?

Bart: Blue!

Homer: Yellow!

Homer: Green!

Patty and Selma: Green.

Homer: Black. Green.

Girl on game show: Green.

(a bell signifying the correct answer rings and the sound of applause)

Homer: I was right!

Game show host: Okay, we will be back with more Grade School Challenge after this important message.

*Sign at The Royal Majesty for the Obese or Gangly Gentleman, the store where Homer buys his suits: 'YOU RIP IT, YOU BUY IT.

Homer: (strangling Bart) "BOY! MUST! DIE!"

Bart: "I love you, Dad!"
Homer: "D'oh! (stops strangling) Dirty trick. Okay, I'm not going to kill you, but I'm going to tell you three things that are gonna haunt you for the rest of your days. You've ruined your father, you've crippled your family, and baldness is hereditary!"
Bart: "It is?!"

*(After hearing Dimoxinil is one thousand dollars)
Homer: "A thousand bucks!? I can't afford that!"
Salesclerk: "Hmm...well, we do have a product which is more in your price range, however..."
(pulls out giant jug labeled "Hair in a Drum" with a twenty dollar price sticker)
Salesclerk: "I must assure you, that any hair growth you experience while using it will be purely coincidental." audio clip

Lenny: Homer, don't be a sap all your life, just fill out a few medical insurance forms creatively. Charge that Dimoxinil stuff to the company.

Homer: But it's a thousand bucks.  Burns would can my butt in no time flat.

Lenny:(mockingly) Ooh. A thousand bucks. So what? To Mr. Burns that's one less ivory backscratcher.

Homer submits paperwork saying that the salesclerk can bill the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant for Dimoxinil

Salesclerk (angry): Look buddy, I don't know who put you up to this, but no insurance plan in this state covers something as frivolous as Dimoxinil

Salesclerk turns on stereo, which plays "Mexican Hat Dance"

Salesclerk (calm and whispering): Meet me in the alley in fifteen minutes. Come alone.

:Homer's office. He is interviewing candidates for a secretarial job.

Homer: So besides passing the typing test, what other factors can you tell about me?

Attractive woman: Well, hairy men really turn me on.

Woman leans seductively towards Homer, who is obviously ill at ease with that.

Homer: I regret to inform you that you are not the right candidate. Best of luck elsewhere!

Woman leaves and Homer phones Marge.

Marge{on other end at Simpsons residence}: Hello?

Homer: Hey Marge.

Marge: Oh hi Homer! How is the search for a secretary going?

Homer: Lousy. They all end up making kissy faces at me.

Marge is also uncomfortable with that as is Homer

Karl: Mr. Simpson, I am Karl.

Marge: He sounds good. Hire him!

Homer hangs up phone to interview Karl

Karl: You do not belong here!

Homer: What?

Karl: You are a fraud and a liar and it is only a matter of time before they root you out!

Homer: Ulp! Who told you that?

Karl: You did! The way you slouch in your seat. The way you slump your shoulders. The way you smother yourself in bargain-basement lime green polyester! Before you begin anything you should tell yourself "I got where I am. I deserve it. I am nature's greatest miracle!"

Homer: I got where I am, I deserve it. I am nature's greatest miracle!

Mr. Burns (after hearing about how much Homer defrauded the company for Dimoxomil): BLAST HIS HIDE TO HADES!! And I really wanted that ivory backscrather!

:Last lines of episode

Homer: "I cannot believe it. I am stuck in the same old dead-end job that I was before and the kids are going to hate me because I am now unable to afford the things they wanted."

Marge: "Your job has always put food on our table, Homer, and the kids will get over it."

Homer: "But how about our realtionship? I am bald and ugly."

Marge: "Homer...(breaks into song)...You are so beautiful, to me."

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