| Date
|
Link
|
Tweet
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| 10:31 PM, 24 Jul
|
http://twitter.com/#!/HomerJSimpson/status/2826330894
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Hey, it’s Homer! Have you heard of this new thing called “Twitter”? Try it, it's cool.
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| 10:50 PM, 24 Jul
|
http://twitter.com/#!/HomerJSimpson/status/2826624378
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At Moe’s getting drunk and I just bet Lenny I can do a front flip off the bar!
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| 11:05 PM, 24 Jul
|
http://twitter.com/#!/HomerJSimpson/status/2826868667
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At the hospital getting stitches.
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| 24 Jul
|
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I just bet the doctor I can do a flip off the stretcher!
|
| 24 Jul 09
|
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At the hospital getting a rod put into my spine.
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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Oh yeah, @aplusk ? Well I think your tweets are boring, pointless, ilbilerate and flul fo splelnig rerors!
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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I'm learbing to text wigh my thjubs... so fat, so goo.
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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My Dad found this old home movie of when I was a kid. Check it out. http://bit.ly/yDOWp
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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I didn’t vote for @algore, but I thank him every day for giving us this. http://bit.ly/2RSkAB
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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I was eating pancakes and I spilled syyyyrup all over the "yyyyyyy" keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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I’m at Comic-Con! I’m hoping to meet Matt Groening so I can thank him for giving us “Family Guy.” #sdcc
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| 25 Jul 09
|
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Man, everybody at Comic-Con dresses so weird. Socks with shoes? I guess it takes all kinds.
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| 26 Jul 09
|
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I’m at Comic-Con and I just saw a toddler dressed up like George Lucas...
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| 26 Jul 09
|
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He’s so cute in his fake beard and little – oh, wait, that is George Lucas. #sdcc
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| 26 Jul 09
|
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To that dude who keeps honking at me: I can’t go any faster. I’m pushing the car with my feet through a hole in the floor. #comic-con #sdcc
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| 26 Jul 09
|
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I accidentally put underwear on outside my pants, so can everyone reading this do the same thing so I don’t look stupid.
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| 26 Jul 09
|
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I’m engaged in the act of love with a meatball sub.
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| 27 Jul 09
|
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What am I doing right now? Tweeting obviously, you idiot.
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| 27 Jul 09
|
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My friend Lenny says if I want to do Twitter my tweets can't be more than one hundred and forty characters long, but I think he's full of cr
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| 27 Jul 09
|
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Who dares me to push this big red button on my nuclear plant control
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| 28 Jul 09
|
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Marge says I can't say I'm in the bathroom so I'm... Uh, raking leaves. And reading
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| 28 Jul 09
|
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I'm Homer Simpson and I smell like poop and I eat poop for breakfast and my name is Captain Poop.
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| 28 Jul 09
|
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Bart Why you little... get off my account!
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| 28 Jul 09
|
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Marge, my head is stuck between the stair railings again. Marge? Marge!
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| 28 Jul 09
|
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Hey, I’m at the mall and I’ve lost Bart. If anyone finds him, please don’t tweet me.
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| 29 Jul 09
|
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@rainbowlite Thanks for writing me. We’re like pen pals except I left my pen in my pocket and sat down and stained the couch with ink.
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| 29 Jul 09
|
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Putting my pants on.
|
| 29 Jul 09
|
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Hey, these aren’t my pants! It’s an eighty gallon blue trash bag.
|
| 29 Jul 09
|
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But it fits pretty good...
|
| 29 Jul 09
|
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Putting on my trash bag.
|
| 29 Jul 09
|
|
Relax, those nuclear meltdown sirens you’re hearing are just a drill. The radioactive gas escape alarms are real, though.
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| 30 Jul 09
|
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Check this out, I’m tweeting while driving! There’s Moe’s and there’s the Kwik-E-Mart and now I’m out of control and flying off a bri...
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| 30 Jul 09
|
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You know what’s great? Leaving your kids in the car and then forgetting where you parked it.
|
| 30 Jul 09
|
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I’m a huge fan of that show “The Biggest Loser”, but Marge says I should call it by its other title, “The Glenn Beck Program.”
|
| 30 Jul 09
|
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If a “ham”-burger is made of beef, then a club sandwich should be made of knives. Think about it.
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| 30 Jul 09
|
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Three things I found in my belly button: lint, a PB&J sandwich, and the skeleton of a squirrel. So cute!
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| 31 Jul 09
|
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I called in sick but really I'm at the dogtrack. Stupid boss -- he's too old to know about Twitter.
|
| 31 Jul 09
|
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Humiliated nuclear safety technician seeks work. Contact H. Simpson, 742 Evergreen Terrace.
|
| 1 Aug 09
|
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Check out http://tinyurl.com/A56HX89UT ! PS: there’s nothing there, but I wanted to look like the cool guys who put urls in their tweets.
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| 1 Aug 09
|
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If you’re at the bottom of this waterslide, attention! My bathing suit is coming down before me.
|
| 3 Aug 09
|
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Marge, if you're reading Twitter, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's been five great years of marriage!
|
| 3 Aug 09
|
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FIFTEEN years of marriage. Thanks Lisa.
|
| 4 Aug 09
|
|
Okay, here I am live-tweeting Lisa’s saxophone recital.
|
| 4 Aug 09
|
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She’s playing the first note and <SNORE>.
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| 4 Aug 09
|
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That’s right, my cellphone has a feature that texts my snoring sounds.
|
| 5 Aug 09
|
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To the cop chasing me: I know I’m speeding, but I’ve got a great excuse-- I’m in a hurry to get to a bar.
|
| 5 Aug 09
|
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I know Americans are adopting kids from Africa, but are any Africans adopting American kids? ‘Cause I’ve got a boy available, cheap.
|
| 5 Aug 09
|
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Babies, old people and astronauts all get to wear diapers. But nobody calls THAT a conspiracy.
|
| 6 Aug 09
|
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Quick question-- I'm helping Bart with his homework. Is math the thing with the numbers, or the thing where the cow goes moo?
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| 6 Aug 09
|
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It's too bad Paula's leaving American Idol. I'm really gonna miss her saying mean things to people in her British accent...
|
| 6 Aug 09
|
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...What? That's a different guy? Oh, then who cares.
|
| 7 Aug 09
|
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To the dude who’s honking at me: I’m blocking the intersection because I’m having an NPR driveway moment, so blame the liberal media.
|
| 8 Aug 09
|
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BOOM-BOOM-CHA, BOOM-BOOM-CHA, I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU, BOOM-BOOM-CHA-- sorry, Marge, but "Guitar Heroes" don't "knock it off."
|
| 9 Aug 09
|
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Hey everybody, let’s list our favorite fifteenth century Spanish Inquisitors. Mine: Torquemada.
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| 9 Aug 09
|
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Shopping for pants... At a maternity store
|
| 10 Aug 09
|
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Trying to figure out a vanity license plate. What does "Utah" mean?
|
| 11 Aug 09
|
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Business idea: hamburger with two hamburgers for buns and patty made of hamburgers. Possible special sauce -- liquid hamburger.
|
| 12 Aug 09
|
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Anybody know a good restaurant in Rome? I'm going there in eighteen years when Maggie goes to college.
|
| 12 Aug 09
|
|
Help! I found half a pizza in the garbage but a raccoon is fighting me for it. Stupid raccoon! Ow! I'm sorry raccoon you're awesome.
|
| 13 Aug 09
|
|
To the boogeyman in my closet: why can’t you just be cool, man?
|
| 14 Aug 09
|
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@xSarahDaniellex Thanks! I always appreciate feedback – especially when the back I’m being fed is from a cow or pig.
|
| 14 Aug 09
|
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Man, was it hot today. I guess the “Dog Days of August” are here. How hot is that in Human Days?
|
| 14 Aug 09
|
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Sitting on the throne right now. Good thing I brought my computer, so I can read the newspaper.
|
| 15 Aug 09
|
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I just saw that hilarious movie about the Guinea Pig commandos. What was it called again? Right, “Platoon.”
|
| 15 Aug 09
|
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Hey, did you watch the History Channel last night? Then you are lame.
|
| 16 Aug 09
|
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I'm at church. Come on everyone, let's tweet: boring boring boring.
|
| 16 Aug 09
|
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Marge says stop making fun of church with advanced internet technology.
|
| 17 Aug 09
|
|
Woo hoo! I'm standing on top of Mt. Everest. Um, is anyone else up there? I mean, here? No? Then woo hoo, I'm on top of Mt Everest!
|
| 19 Aug 09
|
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Come on, adult web sites -- help me set the record for most fake followers on Twitter.
|
| 19 Aug 09
|
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If life gives you lemons, make a cheese pizza.
|
| 21 Aug 09
|
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If @snoopdogg married Snoopy the dog, that would be awesome, but our stupid prejudiced politicians say it's illegal. Fight the power!
|
| 22 Aug 09
|
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If electricity is so smart how come it can't drive? I can drive, and I'm an idiot.
|
| 23 Aug 09
|
|
Woo! I'm at a U2 concert! They're playing their hit "U2 It Up Baby" and I... okay, I admit it, I'm home alone on the sofa. U2 rox!
|
| 23 Aug 09
|
|
Choking on a sandwich. Man, it's delicious
|
| 24 Aug 09
|
|
Watching tv. I’m really good at it.
|
| 24 Aug 09
|
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Just getting my blood pressure checked - hey, it's the same as my weight – 320!
|
| 25 Aug 09
|
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In my car. I heard a radio ad for a sale on TV's. I know that's ironic, I just don't know why
|
| 25 Aug 09
|
|
Shaving my back.
|
| 25 Aug 09
|
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Wait, this isn't my back.
|
| 25 Aug 09
|
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Who the hell's back is this?
|
| 26 Aug 09
|
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Eating a taco salad. If it wasn't for the taco, this thing would suck!
|
| 26 Aug 09
|
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Chasing a coffee truck trying to force it off the road or at least knock some bacon loose.
|
| 27 Aug 09
|
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Eating. What the hell business is it of yours?
|
| 27 Aug 09
|
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Eating. And no you can't have some.
|
| 28 Aug 09
|
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Just kind of sleeping and watching TV. Oh, yeah, also at work.
|
| 29 Aug 09
|
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I’m with Lenny and Carl and I’m calling them both Lenny. I’m doing it as an experiment and also because I forgot which one is really Lenny.
|
| 29 Aug 09
|
|
I can’t tweet right now. The policeman that pulled me over says I have to blow into some sort of machine.
|
| 30 Aug 09
|
|
I’m in my favorite chair with the TV turned up so loud I can’t hear my wife or kids. I call this paradise.
|
| 31 Aug 09
|
|
I’m using Flanders’ computer to write this. I’m not gonna pay for internet when it’s free next door, just like air-conditioning.
|
| 31 Aug 09
|
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I was trying to grow a moustache but I gave up after a few minutes. Too boring.
|
| 2 Sep 09
|
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Eating vegetables - they're not bad if you dip them in syrup. But what isn't?
|
| 2 Sep 09
|
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Fighting the dog over some food that fell on the ground.
|
| 3 Sep 09
|
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Just waiting for the fire department to come and cut me out of this phone booth.
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| 4 Sep 09
|
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At Moe’s about to tell him I will stop tweeting so he can put down the shotgun already.
|
| 5 Sep 09
|
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Taking Marge out for dinner. Oh, I’ll have to write more later, we’re next at the drive-through speaker.
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| 5 Sep 09
|
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Had a great idea for a movie. A thriller that’s also really good.
|
| 5 Sep 09
|
Being attacked by a moose. Send help.
|
| 7 Sep 09
|
That “Funny Video” show is sick. Tonight they showed a plane crash and a shooting. What is America coming to... wait that was the news.
|
| 7 Sep 09
|
I just had a million dollar idea: make a million dollars.
|
| 8 Sep 09
|
Well, it’s Monday again, or, as I call it, pre-pre-humpday.
|
| 8 Sep 09
|
I’m all for tolerance, but if I hear one more jerk say “catsup”, I’m gonna go ape.
|
| 12 Sep 09
|
Eating a foot long hot dog.
|
| 12 Sep 09
|
Still eating it.
|
| 12 Sep 09
|
Still eating it. I’m about six inches in.
|
| 12 Sep 09
|
If you’re reading this, I pity you.
|
| 13 Sep 09
|
Have you seen the YouTube where the news lady farts and falls over? I haven’t.
|
| 14 Sep 09
|
Check out this awesome link! http://bit.ly/BPV3E
|
| 15 Sep 09
|
If you think Tur-duck-en is good, then you haven't lived until you've tried Tur-rib-nut-butter-burger-twizzler-Os.
|
| 16 Sep 09
|
If The Beatles were so great, then how come they never won on “America’s Got Talent”?
|
| 17 Sep 09
|
I think it's wrong that so many people get their news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy.
|
| 17 Sep 09
|
If anyone sees Marge, will you tell her I’m on a listening tour of the Middle East? That one’s worked before.
|
| 18 Sep 09
|
I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work.
|
| 20 Sep 09
|
Beware of an internet scam about a Prince from Nigeria asking for your credit card number. The guy from Botswana is on the level.
|
| 21 Sep 09
|
Lisa! Stop playing that stupid saxophone! Oops, I tweeted instead of talked again.
|
| 23 Sep 09
|
Anyone know what "tweet" rhymes with? If you do tell me. I'm trying to write a rap song.
|
| 23 Sep 09
|
I’m just sitting in traffic watching my car sit on the median, on fire. Oh wait, I just figured it out – I am traffic. Cool!
|
| 24 Sep 09
|
I thought I had lost my cell phone but then I saw it on my x-ray. Whew! I was worried.
|
| 25 Sep 09
|
I heard there was another Homer Simpson tweeting out there. How do I know I’m not him?
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
Can I ask you guys a question? Where does your laptop computer go if you can’t find your lap?
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
I’m at a romantic restaurant with the most beautiful creature in the world -- a prime rib. You know, I should bring Marge here.
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
I'm tweeting like I'm a big star. I feel like Beyonce. Now, I’m gonna undress in front of a mirror and see what Beyonce looks like nude.
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
@RyanPom Hey, thanks for the kind words, unless yours weren’t kind, in which case: screw you, turkey!
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
@RyanPom Thanks for writing back. When Lisa helps me read what you wrote, I’ll get back to you.
|
| 26 Sep 09
|
There’s 86400 seconds in a day, but only one lunch. How is that fair?
|
| 28 Sep 09
|
Warning -- I just cut a big one. If you can read this tweet, you’re in range.
|
| 28 Sep 09
|
I don’t get all the praise for that show “Mad Men”. I watched a whole episode and didn’t see Alfred E. Neuman or Fonebone once!
|
| 30 Sep 09
|
I just ate a baked potato shaped like Alex Baldwin. I wonder if he tastes liked baked potato.
|
| 30 Sep 09
|
If anyone has tips on getting your head unwedged from staircase banister rails, I’m listening.
|
| 30 Sep 09
|
Sleep - the most fun you can have at a nuclear power plant safety workstation.
|
