Difference between revisions of "Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy/Quotes"
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'''[[Homer Simpson|Homer]] and [[Marge Simpson|Marge]]:''' "Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!" | '''[[Homer Simpson|Homer]] and [[Marge Simpson|Marge]]:''' "Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!" | ||
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---- | ---- | ||
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? | + | '''Grampa''': Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? |
| − | Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand. | + | '''Homer''': Nevermind, you wouldn't understand. |
| − | Grampa: Flu? | + | '''Grampa''': Flu? |
| − | Homer: No. | + | '''Homer''': No. |
| − | Grampa: Protein deficiency? | + | '''Grampa''': Protein deficiency? |
| − | Homer: No. | + | '''Homer''': No. |
| − | Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? | + | '''Grampa''': Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? |
| − | Homer: No. | + | '''Homer''': No. |
| − | Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life? | + | '''Grampa''': Unsatisfying sex life? |
| − | Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word. | + | '''Homer''': N- yes. But please, don't you say that word. |
| − | Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex. | + | '''Grampa''': What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Homer: Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. | + | '''Homer''': Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. |
Now, now, now! | Now, now, now! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Homer: Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna | + | '''Homer''': Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna |
get rich with this scheme...and quick! | get rich with this scheme...and quick! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it | + | '''Marge''': Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it |
and go into business together. | and go into business together. | ||
| − | Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? | + | '''Homer''': You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? |
| − | Marge: You can make a lot of money... | + | '''Marge''': You can make a lot of money... |
| − | Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants? | + | '''Homer''': Yeah! Where are my pants? |
| − | Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again. | + | '''Marge''': You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. | + | '''Grampa''': Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent! | + | '''Mr. Van Houten''': Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent! |
| − | Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. | + | '''Milhouse''': Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. |
| − | Mr. Van Houten: Yeah! Every single night. | + | '''Mr. Van Houten''': Yeah! Every single night. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups? | + | '''Milhouse''': What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups? |
| − | Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off] | + | '''Nelson''': Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off] |
| − | Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions." | + | '''Bart''': Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions." |
| − | Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true! | + | '''Milhouse''': Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true! |
| − | Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa! | + | '''Bart''': Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa! |
| − | Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. | + | '''Ralph''': [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... | + | '''Grampa''': Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... |
| − | Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. | + | '''Homer''': Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business. | + | '''Grampa''': You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business. |
| − | Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops] | + | '''Homer''': They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops] |
[pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around] | [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around] | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Bart: OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. | + | '''Bart''': OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. |
| − | Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? | + | '''Milhouse''': You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? |
[he and Bart start wrestling] | [he and Bart start wrestling] | ||
| − | Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's | + | '''Lisa''': Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's |
Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." | Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one." | ||
| − | Bart: So what's the simplest explanation? | + | '''Bart''': So what's the simplest explanation? |
| − | Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. | + | '''Lisa''': I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. |
| − | Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires! | + | '''Everyone''': Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here. | + | '''Grampa''': Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here. |
[Homer does so and they get out of the car] | [Homer does so and they get out of the car] | ||
| − | Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump? | + | '''Homer''': Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump? |
| − | Grampa: That's the house you grew up in, son. | + | '''Grampa''': That's the house you grew up in, son. |
| − | Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. | + | '''Homer''': Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. |
| − | Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good. | + | '''Grampa''': Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good. |
[flashback to young Homer in the barn] | [flashback to young Homer in the barn] | ||
| − | Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah! | + | '''Homer''': Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. | + | '''Grampa''': [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end. |
[young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall; flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on tv] | [young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall; flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on tv] | ||
| − | Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh] | + | '''Kennedy''': If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh] |
| − | Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy. | + | '''Homer''': Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy. |
| − | Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day. | + | '''Mrs. Simpson''': Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day. |
| − | Grampa: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Quit your daydreaming, melonhead. | + | '''Grampa''': You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Quit your daydreaming, melonhead. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. | + | '''Homer''': Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. |
| − | Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas. | + | '''Grampa''': Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas. |
[in the car] | [in the car] | ||
| − | Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. | + | '''Homer''': Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. |
| − | Grampa: That's 'cause you're a screw-up. | + | '''Grampa''': That's 'cause you're a screw-up. |
| − | Homer: You're the screw-up! | + | '''Homer''': You're the screw-up! |
| − | Grampa: Why you little... [strangles Homer] | + | '''Grampa''': Why you little... [strangles Homer] |
| − | Homer: All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. | + | '''Homer''': All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. |
| − | Abe: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! | + | '''Abe''': If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! |
| − | Homer: [gasps, stops the car] Get out. | + | '''Homer''': [gasps, stops the car] Get out. |
| − | Grampa: I'm sorry I said that. | + | '''Grampa''': I'm sorry I said that. |
| − | Homer: Out. | + | '''Homer''': Out. |
| − | Grampa: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang. | + | '''Grampa''': I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life. | + | '''Marge''': Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life. |
| − | Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me. | + | '''Homer''': Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me. |
| − | Marge: You didn't want to have Bart. | + | '''Marge''': You didn't want to have Bart. |
| − | Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. | + | '''Homer''': I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. |
| − | Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning. | + | '''Marge''': You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning. |
| − | Homer: But when I do it, it's cute. | + | '''Homer''': But when I do it, it's cute. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Milhouse: The Rand Corporation, in conjuction with the saucer people... | + | '''Milhouse''': The Rand Corporation, in conjuction with the saucer people... |
| − | Bart: Thank you. | + | '''Bart''': Thank you. |
| − | Milhouse: ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... | + | '''Milhouse''': ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... |
| − | Lisa: [sighs] | + | '''Lisa''': [sighs] |
| − | Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! | + | '''Milhouse''': ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner! |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Grampa: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in | + | '''Grampa''': And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in |
Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! | Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! | ||
| − | Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches] | + | '''Barney''': [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches] |
| − | Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. | + | '''Man''': That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. |
| − | Grampa: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. | + | '''Grampa''': I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. |
| − | Barney: Oh -- [collapses] | + | '''Barney''': Oh -- [collapses] |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. | + | '''Bart''': No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. |
| − | Homer: But I'm using my whole ass. | + | '''Homer''': But I'm using my whole ass. |
| − | Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary. | + | '''Lisa''': Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary. |
| − | + | H'''omer''': Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking. | |
(Homer gets in the car and drives off.) | (Homer gets in the car and drives off.) | ||
| − | Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking." | + | '''Bart''': I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking." |
| − | Lisa: That's what I assumed. | + | '''Lisa''': That's what I assumed. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | Homer: Dad! | + | '''Homer''': Dad! |
| − | Grampa: Son! | + | '''Grampa''': Son! |
| − | Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. | + | '''Homer''': I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. |
| − | Grampa: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. | + | '''Grampa''': No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. |
| − | Homer: You know what? | + | '''Homer''': You know what? |
| − | Grampa: What? | + | '''Grampa''': What? |
| − | Homer: We're both screw-ups. | + | '''Homer''': We're both screw-ups. |
---- | ---- | ||
{{Season 6 Q}} | {{Season 6 Q}} | ||
[[Category:Quotes]] | [[Category:Quotes]] | ||
Revision as of 10:13, December 4, 2010
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Bart: "Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!"
(Reaches for light switch)
Homer and Marge: "Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!"
Lisa: Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up]
Marge: "Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow."
Lisa: Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, "Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future".
Marge: Homer, wake up! Wake up!
Homer: Wha?
Marge: We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately.
Homer: Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex.
Marge: I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book?
Homer: [excited] Ooh, OK!
Marge: A tasteful book.
Homer: [unexcited] Oh, all right.
Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.
Homer: Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!
Homer: Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme...and quick!
Marge: Here he is: Rex Harrison and Paul Anka rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works -- you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.
Homer: You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution?
Marge: You can make a lot of money...
Homer: Yeah! Where are my pants?
Marge: You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.
Grampa: Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.
Mr. Van Houten: Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together...and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent!
Milhouse: Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard.
Mr. Van Houten: Yeah! Every single night.
Milhouse: What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups?
Nelson: Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um...carry on. [walks off]
Bart: Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions."
Milhouse: Jeez...if it's in a book, it's gotta be true!
Bart: Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa!
Ralph: [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.
Grampa: Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid...
Homer: Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.
Grampa: You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business.
Homer: They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]
[pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]
Bart: OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too? [he and Bart start wrestling]
Lisa: Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."
Bart: So what's the simplest explanation?
Lisa: I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark.
Everyone: Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!
Grampa: Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.
[Homer does so and they get out of the car]
Homer: Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump?
Grampa: That's the house you grew up in, son.
Homer: Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted.
Grampa: Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good.
[flashback to young Homer in the barn]
Homer: Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!
Grampa: [points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
[young Homer's shadow is burned into the floor and wall; flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on tv]
Kennedy: If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh, sigh]
Homer: Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy.
Mrs. Simpson: Oh, Abe: maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day.
Grampa: You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead! [back in the present] Quit your daydreaming, melonhead.
Homer: Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm.
Grampa: Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
[in the car]
Homer: Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me.
Grampa: That's 'cause you're a screw-up.
Homer: You're the screw-up!
Grampa: Why you little... [strangles Homer]
Homer: All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic.
Abe: If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident!
Homer: [gasps, stops the car] Get out.
Grampa: I'm sorry I said that.
Homer: Out.
Grampa: I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang.
Marge: Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life.
Homer: Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me.
Marge: You didn't want to have Bart.
Homer: I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child.
Marge: You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning.
Homer: But when I do it, it's cute.
Milhouse: The Rand Corporation, in conjuction with the saucer people...
Bart: Thank you.
Milhouse: ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires...
Lisa: [sighs]
Milhouse: ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!
Grampa: And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney!
Barney: [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches]
Man: That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas.
Grampa: I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem.
Barney: Oh -- [collapses]
Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
(Homer gets in the car and drives off.)
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
Lisa: That's what I assumed.
Homer: Dad!
Grampa: Son!
Homer: I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
Grampa: No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house.
Homer: You know what?
Grampa: What?
Homer: We're both screw-ups.
