| Gonna go gambling at an Indian casino, by which I mean buying food products from Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart. Oct 19, 2012
|
| People, global warming is serious. Forget melting polar icecaps -- if I sweat any more the salty Homer seas will drown us all. Oct 18, 2012
|
| Marge says I spend too much time sitting, but when I die, my leathery ass skin will be donated to make orphan shoes. Oct 17, 2012
|
| I'm only watching this thing because the moderator's name is "Candy." Hear that, Networks? Americans demand MORE FOOD-PEOPLE! Oct 17, 2012
|
| Based on the Town Hall meetings I attend, Romney should be ready for at least one rhyming question from Disco Stu tonite. Oct 17, 2012
|
| We need voter ID laws! It’s the only way to stop my vote from being stolen by some other fat, bald man with no idea what he’s voting about. Oct 16, 2012
|
| My $10,000 challenge to any personal hygiene company: bring on your mightiest deodorant. My underarms will defeat it. Oct 15, 2012
|
| According to Bart, the new school uniform is a T-shirt reading “FART POWER.” I’m outraged that I never got a school uniform that cool. Oct 12, 2012
|
| Every time a reporter says he's going to interview a politician in the "spin room", I think he's talking about Moe's. Oct 12, 2012
|
| I'm not watching the debate. If I wanna see an old nut yell at a young jerk about health care I can just visit Grampa at the Home. Oct 12, 2012
|
| I think my doctor will be proud. He wanted me to do 20 knee bends, but I went to Moe’s and did 200 elbow bends. Oct 11, 2012
|
| Flanders always complains about sex on TV, but the show that I find the most deeply disturbing is about animals eating a dead hippo. Oct 11, 2012
|
| Trees are like traffic lights: they change color from green to yellow to red, and I drive right through ’em. Oct 09, 2012
|
| When Lisa brings her report card home, smiles and applause. When Bart brings his home, complimenting him on his teacher’s penmanship. Oct 08, 2012
|
| I got my Halloween decorations up already! Mostly because the Santa I've had on my roof since Xmas now looks like a corpse. Oct 07, 2012
|
| The Mayans say the world is going to end in December. It better or I'm gonna have a whole lot of late car payments to make. Oct 06, 2012
|
| What do you mean FRANKENWEENIE isn't about a hotdog made up of other hot dogs?! Oct 06, 2012
|
| Fall transition: Bart’s summer camp closes, then reopens as extra bunking to relieve overcrowding at Springfield Medium Security prison. Oct 05, 2012
|
| What, now Halloween is a whole month? That is disrespectful to the brave men and women who gave their ears so we could have Rocktober. Oct 05, 2012
|
| Angry reader complains: the book “Operation Mincemeat” is a taut, suspenseful WWII thriller, and not at all a ground beef how-to. Oct 04, 2012
|
| Here's a question I wish Jim Lehrer had asked tonight: Where did I put the keys to Marge's car? A real leader would know that! Oct 04, 2012
|
| My advice for the President tonight: Ignore any stupid questions and just say "I'm the guy who killed Obama!" Oct 04, 2012
|
| My advice for Romney tonight: Fake a nose bleed, run out and drive away. That always works for me on Teacher Conference Night. Oct 04, 2012
|
| Every network is showing the debate tonight? But I was looking forward to 3 hours of fake reality and lame comedy! Oct 04, 2012
|
| The crisp Fall air reminds me of New England, named after Old England, where “crisps” mean potato chips, which reminds me: eat more chips. Oct 03, 2012
|
| Summer becomes Fall. Return Flanders’ lawnmower. Borrow Flanders’ leaf blower. Oct 02, 2012
|
| Now the kids are back in school, gotta practice my Russian phone accent. “Hello, Sergei the Plumber, not the parent of Bart Simpson.” Oct 01, 2012
|
| Fall is coming. Time to deflate the kiddie pool, and inflate my all-day-Sunday fooTBTall watching neck pillow. Oct 01, 2012
|
| There's so many great TV shows on tonight, I don't know which one to illegally download first! #thesimpsons Sep 30, 2012
|
| I hope you're all as excited as I am about my season premiere. My new fall fat folds have come in! #thesimpsons Sep 30, 2012
|
| Summer turns to Fall. Time to move the pig-roast fire pit from backyard to bathtub. Sep 30, 2012
|
| I don’t know what Los Angeles is complaining about. Every time Bart and Lisa are in the back seat together it’s Carmageddon. Sep 28, 2012
|
| So they tell me this "bacon shortage" isn't real. If I knew that yesterday that guy at the grocery store might still have thumbs. Sep 28, 2012
|
| Watched the Paris Fashion Week shows. Stunning dress designs, and some very appealing elastic-waist pants on a fat guy in the audience. Sep 27, 2012
|
| Moe's tavern just got a little classier - a new beer trough! Sep 27, 2012
|
| I'm bummed the All-U-Can-Eat buffet place in town closed after only one month! How can that be when I ate there every night?! Sep 25, 2012
|
| I'm not enjoying the kids being back in school as much as I should. I hurt my leg dancing with joy. Sep 24, 2012
|
| We're playing a drinking game at Moe's for the #Emmy Awards. The rules are you chug whenever anyone says "Emmy" or "Award". Sep 24, 2012
|
| Take a break in all your adulation, Teachers and Soldiers: tonight it's time for TV stars to get a little recognition! #Emmys Sep 23, 2012
|
| So Lenny told me @MittRomney released his tax returns. I have FORCED HIS HAND! http://t.co/Zy9gJqiS #Obama #Romney Sep 21, 2012
|
| This new iPhone really makes me think about finally trading in my Palm Pilot. It has no good apps. Sep 21, 2012
|
| How come fooTBTall's on tonight? My stupid TV must think it's Sunday. Sep 21, 2012
|
| Look what happened when I tried to exercise my right to vote. The first time I exercised in my life! http://t.co/Zy9gJqiS #Obama #Romney Sep 20, 2012
|
| Lisa must have changed her name cause people keep asking me if my daughter is Honey Boo Boo. Sep 20, 2012
|
| It's Talk Like A Pirate Day. I'm gonna go with Willie Stargell. He was chubby and swung a sledge hammer in the on-deck circle! Sep 19, 2012
|
| Have you guys every tried driving while NOT impaired? It's surprisingly easier. Sep 18, 2012
|
| Settle a bet: Lenny says it's "Gangnam Style." I say it's "Condom Style." A workplace sexual harassment lawsuit is riding on it. Sep 17, 2012
|
| Seeing how well Peyton Manning came back from his injury makes me think this paper cut on my finger may not be career-ending. Sep 17, 2012
|
| The house is so quiet without the kids or Marge around. Oh wait, I just realized I walked into the wrong house. Sep 14, 2012
|
| The TV season is here! What new show will have what it takes to get me to make the effort of lifting the remote to chest level? Sep 13, 2012
|
| Marge is worried Flanders wants to indoctrinate our kids. I say if he wants to pay for all those measles shots, then go for it! Sep 12, 2012
|
| Super-excited for fooTBTall to start – the novelty of getting drunk in front of WNBA games has worn off. Sep 09, 2012
|
| Ready for fooTBTall season! It took all 4 weeks of pre-season, but I finally got into “sitting” shape. Sep 08, 2012
|
| Stand Up To Cancer, and believe me I hate both those things. http://t.co/U29NBHbD #istandupfor Sep 08, 2012
|
| That crafty #BarackObama chose "Charlotte" to get the woman vote. The GOP should have their next convention at Whiteman Air Force Base #DNC Sep 07, 2012
|
| Man, Bill Clinton is good. His speech almost made me forget all about whatever awful thing he did to that thing that time. Sep 06, 2012
|
| Dear @PaulRyanVP, not to boast, but MY fastest Marathon time was two seconds. We're talking about the candy bar, right? Sep 06, 2012
|
| Mitt Romney mystery speaker? My guess: 1) his dog 2) The king of the Cayman Islands. Aug 29, 2012
|
| I've got Bieber Fever! Seriously, please call a doctor -- my biebers are inflamed and in constant pain. http://t.co/LY5ziHMO Aug 22, 2012
|
| Dear @PaulRyanVP, MY veins run with cheese, bratwurst and beer too. Trust me, you're gonna need that Obamacare. Aug 16, 2012
|
| I, for one, love the "dog days" of August. Why shouldn't my dog feed and clean up after ME one month out of the year? Aug 15, 2012
|
| I’m outraged that baskeTBTall is in the #Olympics! The Olympics should only be for sports that nobody watches. Aug 13, 2012
|
| The #Olympics committee needed a steep hill to run the BMX race up and down. I offered my stomach. They accepted. Aug 11, 2012
|
| I’m impressed by the #Olympic horses doing dressage. In the morning I can barely dressage myself. Aug 09, 2012
|
| At home we play our own version of table tennis. I serve a meaTBTall to Bart and he hits it back into my mouth. I've never lost once. Aug 09, 2012
|
| Every morning I win the 100 meter dash, from my workstation to the donut cart. Aug 06, 2012
|
| In badminton, they pretend to try while secretly goofing off. So, me going to work should be an #Olympics sport. Aug 06, 2012
|
| What’s so hard about throwing a discus? I throw out a discus in my back every day. Aug 04, 2012
|
| I’d be great at #Olympic rowing because when they yell “stroke,” I can have one. Aug 03, 2012
|
| USA wins gold in swimming. I win gold in goldbricking. Aug 03, 2012
|
| Inspired by the #Olympics, I played some beach volleyball with Barney today, but the cops gave us tickets for not wearing our bikini tops. Aug 02, 2012
|
| And what do you know? @MittRomney's Vice Presidential pick is... ME! Woo Hoo! I decline. Aug 01, 2012
|
| .@MittRomney has decided to announce his pick for Vice President using a Twitter account with more followers than his... MINE! Aug 01, 2012
|
| .@RyanLochte, big deal! I could win Gold Medals too if I had talent and the body of a human. Jul 31, 2012
|
| I hear they're having a lot of sex in the Olympic Village. I tried to compete but I had to withdraw early. Jul 31, 2012
|
| I could be an Olympic athlete -- I have my pee tested regularly. Still 50% alcohol. Jul 29, 2012
|
| Today I had an Olympic breakfast: the toast was torched, the eggs were running, and the bacon was swimming in grease. #Classic Jul 29, 2012
|
| In honor of the Olympics, I just had chili and I'm lighting a torch in my pants. Jul 28, 2012
|
| Dear IOC: I made the Olympic logo out of donuts! Go ahead and sue me -- I'll just eat them. Jul 27, 2012
|
| It’s my busiest time of the work day. When the donuts arrive and I try to eat them all before anyone else can get some. Jul 20, 2012
|
| I’m starting to think my plan to rollerblade to the top of Mount Everest might be overly ambitious. Jul 19, 2012
|
| Don't worry, it'll never happen. I don't even work when I'm at work. Jul 18, 2012
|
| Work time goes so slow and Moe's time goes so fast. If I worked at Moe's, would the universe collapse? Jul 18, 2012
|
| My air conditioner broke, but I'm simulating it with the kids. Lisa's fanning me and Bart's making an obnoxious hum and growing mold. Jul 18, 2012
|
| I’ve thought about it a ton, but I’m still not sure who'd win in a fight between a tiger with a knife and a monkey with a crossbow. Jul 16, 2012
|
| Happy Bastille Day! Vive La France! Vive La Revolution! Vive La Excuse To Get Wasted On French Beer! Jul 14, 2012
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: Does no one but me understand the true meaning of CosPlay? I'm the only "Fat Albert" in the entire hall! #FOXSDCC #SDCC Jul 14, 2012
|
| Perfect family day at the beach. The family is at the beach, and I’m at home getting drunk in my hammock. Jul 13, 2012
|
| So it's Friday the 13th. I love 13! It's the number of my favorite donut amount AND my favorite German prison camp! Jul 13, 2012
|
| It’s time for me to admit it. I may be going a little bald. Jul 12, 2012
|
| For my money, the only really great superhero is Pizza Man. He delivers. #SDCC #FOXSDCC Jul 12, 2012
|
| Hey nerds flocking to ComicCon: thanks for leaving the movie theaters in Springfield all to me! #Popcorngasm #SDCC #FOXSDCC Jul 12, 2012
|
| I’m sending Bart to a summer astronomy camp called “Moons Over Springfield.” It’s not gonna work out well for anyone. Jul 12, 2012
|
| There’s termites in my house and it’s not fair. It’s my wood, I’m the one who should get to eat it. Jul 11, 2012
|
| Work is fun today. Bringing a hammock was genius. Too bad the BBQ set off the sprinklers, tho: the hot dogs got soggy. Jul 09, 2012
|
| There go Maggie and the dog on another adventure! Last time they came back with pirate treasure. This time it better be cheese pretzels. Jul 05, 2012
|
| My BBQ charcoal was slow to light, so I speeded it up with some fireworks. Anyone see a flying BBQ celebrating the birth of our nation? Jul 04, 2012
|
| One of my ancestors crossed the Delaware with Washington, but you don’t hear about him because for some reason his boat sank. Jul 03, 2012
|
| At the beach today, a lifeguard came up and said “Ma’am, please put your top on.” I chose to take it as a compliment. Jul 02, 2012
|
| Superman's birthday is this weekend. He’s gonna zoom around the earth and stop time so his party goes longer. No fair, Supe. Jul 01, 2012
|
| It's the midpoint of the year. Bart’s broken or lost all of last Xmas' toys, and started making his list of next Xmas’ toys. Jun 30, 2012
|
| It's Bart’s last day of school today. And based on his grades, it really may be. Jun 29, 2012
|
| Army engineers are on a training exercise in my yard. Trying to make a hammock strong enough to support me. Your taxes at work. Jun 28, 2012
|
| Dear @wolfblitzer, don't feel bad about getting the Supreme Court news wrong today. I once ate a batting practice donut. Jun 28, 2012
|
| The Supreme Court upheld Obamacare by a margin of 5 to 4 -- can't do better than that! Jun 28, 2012
|
| Today might be my wedding anniversary, I’m not sure but I remember it was on a weekday. Jun 27, 2012
|
| Barney's hearTBTroken. The only girl drunk enough to find him attractive had to go to the ER for alcohol poisoning. #UNFAIR Jun 27, 2012
|
| Gotta tweet fast, Marge is making my favorite thing for dinner – food! Jun 26, 2012
|
| Win or lose, this has been a great NBA championship for teams named after weather. And isn’t that what sports is all about? Jun 22, 2012
|
| So, Miami’s the champs. See other teams? All you need to win are three giant superstars. How hard is that? Jun 22, 2012
|
| The heat is on top of the thunder. I’m not talking about baskeTBTall, I’m predicting the weather tomorrow. Jun 22, 2012
|
| Some other dads were watching me choke Bart so I gave them a turn too. Never miss a chance to teach your kids about sharing. Jun 20, 2012
|
| Just checking: it's "Live FAT and die young", right? I've already got the "good-looking corpse" part covered. Jun 19, 2012
|
| Congrats on your #USOpen win to my new-found nephew @webbsimpson1! And can you loan your Uncle Homer 50K til payday? Jun 18, 2012
|
| In honor of National Donut Day, I'm eating my weight in donuts. And each one I eat adds more weight! #TheNeverendingGlory Jun 01, 2012
|
| I’m loading up on popcorn and candy before going to see Men In Black. There’s no reason this funeral has to be boring. May 29, 2012
|
| A big shout out to our Armed Forces! Thanks for preserving my freedom to spend all weekend drinking beer in a kiddie pool. May 28, 2012
|
| This Memorial Day, I honor the brave pig snouts and chicken rectums that gave their lives so I could enjoy this hot dog. May 28, 2012
|
| I refuse to pay HBO for @GameOfThrones. If I wanna see a dwarf trick his way to power I can watch Bart play with Milhouse. May 21, 2012
|
| Even Maggie loves @LadyGaga. In her little voice she's always saying "Gaga," along with "Abba" and "Rage Against the Machine." May 21, 2012
|
| .@LadyGaga is in my town! Bet you jerks in New York, LA or her other tour stops can only dream about that happening to you. #GagaExpress May 21, 2012
|
| Can't wait to meet @LadyGaga. I'm used to being around royalty from all the time I've spent at Pizza King. May 18, 2012
|
| Thank you @LadyGaga for BORN THIS WAY & its message of acceptance. I sing it whenever Marge tells me I can't eat raw butter. May 16, 2012
|
| 50 million people like me! If one of them owns a hot dog stand in Star Wars times I'll be really thrilled. May 15, 2012
|
| May is my favorite month -- and word. I MAY go to Moe’s tonight. I MAY have eaten all the butter. I MAY be having a stroke. May 15, 2012
|
| I cut off my blue pants into shorts for the summer. Bart called them my “Daisy Pukes.” So I choked him. Good times. May 14, 2012
|
| ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO EAT THOSE STICKERS ON APPLES? I’M GUESSING YES. May 14, 2012
|
| I've got 50 million likes, and one love -- beer. May 13, 2012
|
| Happy Mother's Day to all you Moms. And Dads, hang in there, it’s only one day and it passes quicker if you're drunk. May 13, 2012
|
| One year I gave Marge the perfect Mother’s Day gift: Lisa. (I owed her something good after giving her Bart 2 years before) May 13, 2012
|
| I love all the playoff games right now. I tape every one and then fast forward to the beer commercials. May 12, 2012
|
| Now that the warm weather is here it’s time to scrape the rust off my old lawnmower -- Grampa. May 11, 2012
|
| I'm honored that 50 million of you took the time to stop looking at cat videos and click on a thumb. http://t.co/mLu33moR May 11, 2012
|
| I'm bald just like Kobe and Kevin Garnett. So, how come I'm not in the NBA? Not even on Charlotte - what am I missing? May 10, 2012
|
| I promised Bart that if the Jazz make the finals we're going to a game. I promised him today. May 10, 2012
|
| I've got 50 million Facebook likes. Suck on that, every living President combined! http://t.co/aVsXyVvH May 10, 2012
|
| The NBA game from 3 days ago I just watched on my DVR played out just like the newspaper said it did. How about a spoiler alert paper? May 09, 2012
|
| I'm glad the Spurs swept the Jazz. Marge liked there was sweeping involved. And that's how our marriage stays together. May 08, 2012
|
| Two seats at a playoff game cost 500 dollars! Boy, I sure wish I fit in just one. May 08, 2012
|
| Can you believe there are no Canadian teams left in the hockey playoffs? That's like the US Army not being in any wars! May 07, 2012
|
| I love the Avengers movie. Thanks to it, my family left the house long enough for me to move my secret pork rinds stash! May 06, 2012
|
| Cinco de Mayo is a chance for Americans to salute a wonderful foreign country by getting wasted on its national booze. May 06, 2012
|
| This Kentucky Derby was the most exciting minute and a half I missed ‘cause I was getting more beer ever. May 06, 2012
|
| I’ll be celebrating Cinco de Mayo by eating a sinkload of mayo. May 05, 2012
|
| I tried to go to the Kentucky Derby but I was banned for stealing and eating horse oats. May 05, 2012
|
| Ole for Cinco de Mayo! ‘Cuz there’s a little Mexican in us all, in my case a parasite from a Krustyburger Taco Grande. May 05, 2012
|
| This weekend I’m taking the family to see that movie with all the superheroes! http://t.co/AhPqhyTH May 05, 2012
|
| I’ve actually been clocked faster than a Kentucky Derby horse during the race to the donut cart. May 05, 2012
|
| I was hired to encourage Kentucky Derby horses by threatening to ride them. When they see me they run like hell. May 05, 2012
|
| Why are you all saying "May the 4th be with you" today? It makes me want reach out and choke somebody. #MayThe4thBeWithYou May 04, 2012
|
| The Sacramento Kings really should be cheering for the LA kings. Royal pride, am I right? (I believe I am) May 03, 2012
|
| Exactly what kind of predators are on the Nashville hockey team? I want to be sure before I root for them. May 03, 2012
|
| I would send a funny tweet about my sandwich 'the coronary' but I am in the hospital getting an octuple heart bypass. http://t.co/RT6rx4qG May 01, 2012
|
| Congratulations, Oregon. Your taxes will pay for my jail time. Apr 11, 2012
|
| Crap, we live in Oregon? I mean, Go Ducks! Apr 11, 2012
|
| I don’t know what state we live in, but our house is worth a lot less than in 2007. Apr 11, 2012
|
| Now that Bart knows we live in The Beaver State, all he says is dam dam dam! Apr 11, 2012
|
| Do you think if the Simpsons lived in Oregon Grampa wouldn’t have been suicided a long time ago? Apr 11, 2012
|
| That’s right, the Simpsons live in Oregon -- California’s toupée. Apr 11, 2012
|
| Springfield’s in Oregon, I am the walrus, and Maggie killed J.F.K. Now you know. Apr 11, 2012
|
| Don’t expect me to know what state Springfield’s in, I failed geography. Apr 11, 2012
|
| Oh man, this EA game keeps crashing! And I had set aside my entire work day and family dinner to waste on it. Mar 06, 2012
|
| The bad news: I destroyed Springfield. The good news: I shall rebuild. And win donuts. - http://t.co/OvkV8heM Mar 02, 2012
|
| Finally -- a socially acceptable way that I can play with myself! http://t.co/OvkV8heM Mar 01, 2012
|
| Woo hoo! And I was running out of ways to waste time! - http://t.co/mHxbvPvm Mar 01, 2012
|
| I got a new smartphone but there's not enough dumb stuff to put on it! I'm in a pickle. Mmm.... pickle. http://t.co/OvkV8heM Mar 01, 2012
|
| Well, that's it -- I lost! Good night. Feb 27, 2012
|
| Here we go! I've got a good feeling about my picks! Feb 27, 2012
|
| I'm rooting for Melissa McCarthy. If she wins, it'll be a Rosa Parks moment for me and sink-poopers everywhere. #Oscars Feb 26, 2012
|
| I'm glad Billy Crystal's the host. Every moment he's doing the #Oscars is one he's not gassing on about knowing Mickey Mantle. Feb 26, 2012
|
| I've got a huge bet riding on the #Oscars. If I'm not in the Death Montage then Dr. Hibbert owes me big $$! Feb 25, 2012
|
| I have a Grammy, Oscar & Montgomery Burns Award For Outstanding Achievement In The Field Of Excellence. Half-way to EGOMBAFOAITFOET! Feb 24, 2012
|
| I'm really looking forward to my 500th episode! That's when that coupon for one free night at the Cardiac ICU kicks in. Feb 19, 2012
|
| I don't get the fuss about Presidents Day. I spend my whole life not living up to promises and nobody's giving me a holiday. Feb 18, 2012
|
| If February is the cruelest month, then Rocktober is the coolest month. And January is the hottest Jones. Feb 17, 2012
|
| Ladies, you know how every year you find chocolates in your Valentine's Day box you just can't stand? Please send them to me. Feb 15, 2012
|
| It all worked out great. Marge loved her flowers, and I got lucky -- she didn't find out I stole them from Flanders' yard! Feb 14, 2012
|
| Quick! I need some flowers and chocolates ASAP. It's a matter of sex life and sex death! Feb 14, 2012
|
| Marge is so cool, she doesn't mind that I'm sending her this tweet instead of giving her a Valentine's Day card, I assume. Feb 14, 2012
|
| I can't wait for the premiere of SMASH. It's about time the Hulk got his own show again. Feb 07, 2012
|
| Congrats to the true Patriots and their Giant victory! Auto-tweeted cuz I'm planning on falling asleep before the game ends. Feb 06, 2012
|
| I just lost a week's salary betting on The Puppy Bowl. Stupid Labradoodle couldn't cover! Feb 06, 2012
|
| Best of luck to my End Zone Celebration student Tom Brady, and to a guy who once appeared in Bart's daydream, Eli Manning! Feb 05, 2012
|
| It's on! Only 9 hours until I get off the couch to pee again! Feb 05, 2012
|
| In Super Bowl talk my pants are only size L! Feb 04, 2012
|
| I'm rooting against any team with that Ochocinco guy. Now if I want to have my name changed to my IQ, it's already taken. Feb 03, 2012
|
| I'm one of those weird people who watch the Super Bowl just to see the game. Feb 03, 2012
|
| I bet people who love this mild winter either don't have dogs or don't want a 3 month break from picking up their poop. Feb 02, 2012
|
| Wait, now it's National Chocolate Cake Day?! America, are you trying to kill me? Also, thank you. Jan 28, 2012
|
| I don't need Obama to tell me the State Of The Union. I can judge that by the number of fruity yogurt shops on the same block. Jan 25, 2012
|
| I'm upset about the Oscar nominations. I thought they were for the best bologna! #JustAJoke #ImNotReallyThatStoopit Jan 24, 2012
|
| Okay, just one: "It's cobblerin' time!" #NationalPieDay Jan 23, 2012
|
| Can't tweet today: all fingers and thumbs busy eating pie. #NationalPieDay Jan 23, 2012
|
| I can't believe Wikipedia isn't working today. Now how will I make people believe I was the 2003 AL Rookie Of The Year? Jan 18, 2012
|
| I think I might be a robot. But if I can think at all, probably not, right? Man, maybe being a robot is confusing. Jan 13, 2012
|
| {{{1}}}
|
| Bad news from doctor today. He still knows I haven’t paid my bill. Jan 10, 2012
|
| I took dancing lessons from the Fox fooTBTall robot. Went well, but Marge doesn't like how I keep spiking her purse. Jan 09, 2012
|
| Just got banned from the local petting zoo. I got into a fight with a goat over the food the little kids were handing out. Jan 06, 2012
|
| Stupid modern cars. Whenever I sit in the passenger seat the air bag begs to be disabled. Jan 05, 2012
|
| The secrets to staying young: exercise, openness to new experience, and a wizard with a spell that keeps you young chained in your basement. Jan 05, 2012
|
| Thought about shaving my head, but who has the time? Jan 03, 2012
|
| Sad to say goodbye to 2011 calendar with circus clowns every month. 2012 calendar, you have some big shoes to fill! Jan 02, 2012
|
| 2012! A year named after my net worth! (Assuming couch change and oil being made from my blubber). Jan 01, 2012
|
| {{{1}}}
|
| So glad baskeTBTall is back. I worried about all those poor, unemployed millionaires. Dec 29, 2011
|
| Just realized my side hairs grow in the shape of “M”s. That or my barber is secretly Zorro. Dec 28, 2011
|
| Doing donuts on the icy winter roads. That’s sort of a lie. I’m actually eating donuts in the bathtub. Dec 27, 2011
|
| My fantasy fooTBTall team sucks. Just realizing I probably shouldn’t have only drafted cheerleaders. Dec 27, 2011
|
| Found out Bart secretly asked for a gun for Xmas. I’ve spent all night trying to keep Santa away by farting up the chimney. Dec 25, 2011
|
| I had nosebleed seats for a Denver game and Tebow kept pointing to me after each touchdown. I get it Tim, you dig me. Dec 24, 2011
|
| I love the holiday colors on the nuclear plant cooling towers -- eerie radioactive green and flickering flame red. It’s cheery! Dec 24, 2011
|
| This line to see Santa takes forever, but I’m finally at the front. Wait, I forgot something... dammit, the kids! Dec 23, 2011
|
| I think Moe may be the Grinch. He’s frighteningly ugly and he’s ruining Christmas -- by closing the bar on December 25. Dec 23, 2011
|
| Dear Houston Texans, your name helped Bart pass a geography test. He’d have aced it if Seattle was in a state named "Seahawk." Dec 23, 2011
|
| I’m trying to buy the stuff on Lisa’s Xmas list. Does anyone know a store that sells “an end to world famine?” Walmart, maybe? Dec 22, 2011
|
| Great Hanukah party small talk: Is a latke a pancake made FROM a potato or FOR a potato? You’re welcome. Dec 22, 2011
|
| It’s Christmas time – that means it’s not only okay for me to slip liquor into dairy-based beverages; it’s encouraged! Dec 21, 2011
|
| Happy Hanukah from Homer. I bet that taught my "H" key who's boss. Dec 20, 2011
|
| Why does Marge ask me what I want for Christmas every year? The answer’s always the same: five billion dollars. Dec 20, 2011
|
| Hanukah candles start tomorrow. If you're a Jewish arsonist, good news - you’re about to go on an awesome 8 day bender! Dec 20, 2011
|
| I'm still writing "2011" on checks. Wait, don't read this until January. Dec 19, 2011
|
| May be time for a diet - I take an XXXXL in a Santa suit. Dec 19, 2011
|
| These days I do all my Xmas shopping on line. Right now I’m on a huge Kwik-E-Mart line to buy Lotto scratchers for Maggie. Dec 16, 2011
|
| Stupid Flanders is just now getting around to putting up his Xmas lights. I've had mine up for 3 years! Dec 13, 2011
|
| It's National Pastry Day: a time to remember the millions of brave Danish who gave their lives so I might get a little fatter. Dec 10, 2011
|
| Calling all foosballers: can I have some of my money back? Dec 01, 2011
|
| Calling all foosballers: I’ve got a table in my basement and I’ll take on anybody. For money! Dec 01, 2011
|
| Is there a kind of doctor that specializes in hands that are cramping up from strangling their son’s scrawny neck? A friend asks. Nov 29, 2011
|
| Note to everyone NOT following me on Twitter – how are you reading this? Nov 28, 2011
|
| This weekend my whole family was entertained by that lovable bunch of silly puppets: it was a rerun of the Republican debate. Nov 27, 2011
|
| Forget Black Friday and Cyber Monday -- I'm looking forward to Slurred Speech Saturday and Sleep It Off Sunday. Nov 27, 2011
|
| On Black Friday I love to laugh at the idiots crowding the mall. It's so worth the 3 hour wait for a parking spot to open up. Nov 25, 2011
|
| Dear “Genius Turkey” that beat me at checkers: I’m playing my Thanksgiving dinner and have already won 6 games in a row. Payback! Nov 25, 2011
|
| This Thanksgiving I’m grateful Mr. Burns never notices I always leave at 11 AM. So thank you cataracts, I owe you one. Nov 23, 2011
|
| If anyone knows a genie granting 3 wishes, please tell them I’m interested (will pay 1 wish for referral). Nov 22, 2011
|
| First frost of the fall. A magic white veil covers the piles of dirt in the backyard where we buried Bart’s many unsuccessful hamsters. Nov 21, 2011
|
| Today is “national adoption day.” I’m putting Bart on the curb. Help yourself, America. Nov 19, 2011
|
| To anyone else in this traffic jam: I have pork chops. If you have gravy and biscuits, let’s meet at the green car for a light snack. Nov 19, 2011
|
| I’m sick of our cat and its hairballs. Anyone want to adopt it? It comes with three clingy human children who keep yelling “no, daddy no.” Nov 17, 2011
|
| Barney’s leg is stuck in the toilet. Someone call for help but tell them not to get here until it stops being hilarious. Nov 17, 2011
|
| To Beer, I love you. From a secret admirer. Okay, it’s me. Secret’s out. Nov 16, 2011
|
| Just learned my car isn’t as fast as a train. And that it’s hard to drive on train tracks. And that I can tweet from an ambulance! Nov 14, 2011
|
| NY Jets are my favorite team since Rex Ryan and I wear the same size pants. Go Jets! Go 53 inch waistlines! Nov 13, 2011
|
| I just invented the word “flozjulate” and now I need someone to define it for me. I think it could be big. Bigger than “incentivize.” Nov 12, 2011
|
| Today we salute our veterans. There's no greater sacrifice, as I know from my days as a Cat-Sergeant in the Kiss Army. Nov 11, 2011
|
| This Veterans Day I’m saluting our brave warriors by not taking my usual high-speed shortcut through the VA parking lot. Nov 11, 2011
|
| My heart goes out to Rick Perry. I sometimes forget the names of one of my two kids. Nov 10, 2011
|
| Don't blame me: I voted for Ralph Wiggum. #GOPdebate Nov 10, 2011
|
| My daughters are very different. For example, one’s older. There’s probably more differences, but I think I’ve proved my point. Nov 09, 2011
|
| Don’t tell Marge I’m on Twitter. She thinks she’s the only one who gets to know my innermost and stupidmost thoughts. Nov 08, 2011
|
| That show "The Walking Dead" is so dumb. NOT having to walk is the main reason I look forward to death! Nov 08, 2011
|
| I feel so awful for that guy on "Boardwalk Empire" with only half a face. He can't enjoy meaTBTall subs! What kind of life is that? Nov 07, 2011
|
| I was raking leaves and I came across the six pack of beer I hid in last year’s leaf pile. You’re a genius, Last Year Me! Nov 05, 2011
|
| To guy in red shirt. I’m walking behind you for “Follow Friday.” Hey, nice house. Is this the bedroom? Why is your wife screaming? #FF Nov 04, 2011
|
| I hear President Obama has a program for underwater mortgage holders, which is great because I just broke the upstairs toilet. Nov 04, 2011
|
| So I went to Google and then ate a barrel of rolls. Nothing happened. What gives? I feel sick. Nov 03, 2011
|
| I don’t trust Republican candidate Herman Cain. What kind of man voluntarily quits as boss of a pizza company? Nov 02, 2011
|
| Flanders doesn't let his kids go Trick Or Treating. More stale candy corn for me! Oct 31, 2011
|
| Remember when you were a kid & one jerk always turned his lights out and pretended to not be home on Halloween night? That's me! Oct 31, 2011
|
| I love the night before Halloween -- I can egg Flanders' house and blame it on punks! Of course I egg MY house too to preserve my alibi. Oct 31, 2011
|
| As a responsible parent I always accompany my kids when they Trick or Treat. For which I exact a 10% "Keeping You Alive Fee" in candy. Oct 29, 2011
|
| October is my favorite month – the baseball games, Halloween and, best of all, I’m a fat loser! (DICTATED TO BART, BUT NOT READ) Oct 28, 2011
|
| I like that Herman Cain guy. But I’m not sure how he’ll be able to juggle being President and solving crimes on CSI: Miami. Oct 27, 2011
|
| October is National Pork Month but I ate it all September – sorta like a tailgate party before the big game. Oct 26, 2011
|
| I’m leading the Occupy Evergreen Terrace movement. I’m gonna lie on my hammock until Bart gets a job. #ows Oct 25, 2011
|
| I miss NBA baskeTBTall… incredible athletes doing amazing feats... I’m talking about the guys who have to sell me beer in the stands. Oct 23, 2011
|
| If you’re missing baskeTBTall, come watch me in the bathroom. The occasional dunk, but mostly just dribbling on the floor. Oct 22, 2011
|
| Baseball players say a tie is “like kissing your sister,” well a horrific bear attack is like kissing Marge’s sister. Oct 22, 2011
|
| Please end the NBA lockout. I need baskeTBTall on the TV at Moe’s bar to distract me from the horror of looking at the other barflies. Oct 22, 2011
|
| Oh the poor super-rich NBA owners and their overpaid stars. They don’t give a damn for the real losers: giant megacorporation TV networks. Oct 22, 2011
|
| The Cardinals have a guy with a funny name: Albert Pujols. Heh-heh… Albert. Oct 21, 2011
|
| Two terrible lockouts happening this fall: the NBA owners locking out their players, and Marge putting a padlock on our pie cabinet. Oct 21, 2011
|
| I’m making a World Series bet with the Mayors of St. Louis and Dallas. Whoever wins, I will eat lots of steak and drink lots of beer. Oct 20, 2011
|
| I’m honored that the Commissioner of Baseball has named me the ceremonial first drunk to be thrown out of the World Series. Oct 19, 2011
|
| I'm rooting for Texas in the World Series. I can't forgive St. Louis for their "Beer City on Beer City" violence against Milwaukee. Oct 19, 2011
|
| Congratulations to the American League champions Yankees/Rangers/Tigers/Rays! (NOTE: GET OFF FAT ASS AND PUT IN RIGHT ONES BEFORE TWEETING) Oct 18, 2011
|
| In honor of World Food Day, please remember the kids who go to bed hungry every night. Mine. Oct 17, 2011
|
| Yesterday was World Food Day. Or as I call it, Sunday. Oct 17, 2011
|
| My political donation to Buddy Roemer was a big mistake. I was trying to give Buddy Ebsen money to make more Barnaby Joneses. Oct 16, 2011
|
| Interesting coincidence: 1492 is the year Columbus discovered America and also my most recent blood pressure. Oct 11, 2011
|
| When Columbus discovered it, it was the New World. Now it’s old and has bad hips. Oct 10, 2011
|
| It's Columbus Day. If there’s a holiday honoring Columbus, shouldn’t there be one honoring MacMillan and Wife? Oct 10, 2011
|
| Hey, Canadians, don’t forget to give thanks to me—I’ve funneled millions of dollars into your back bacon industry. Oct 10, 2011
|
| Canada has Thanksgiving on October 10, so I’m headed south of the border! Oct 10, 2011
|
| To counter all the unfounded rumors going around about me, let me set the record straight: I am NOT running for President. Oct 06, 2011
|
| I'm in a big negotiation but I finally struck a deal: a new 2 year cell phone contract. Now the hard part, choosing the funniest ring tone. Oct 06, 2011
|
| Glad to see Simon Cowell has bounced back after being fired from "American Chopper". Sep 29, 2011
|
| Marge tells me "The X Factor" is not porno but an English guy yelling at people trying to sing. Which to me is an incredible turn-on. Sep 27, 2011
|
| I'm so excited to watch that new porno show on Fox, "The X Factor!" Sep 27, 2011
|
| You know the small print on car commercials that says "Professional driver on closed course, do not attempt"? I'm the reason for that! Sep 25, 2011
|
| The first person I saw when I opened my eyes was my loving Dad. So I shut my eyes and faked another 11 hours of coma. Sep 24, 2011
|
| . @MimiChan82 My coma was medically induced: I slammed my station wagon head-on into an ambulance. Sep 24, 2011
|
| I'm back! I can't tell you what kind of great summer I had. Because I spent most of it in a coma. Sep 24, 2011
|
| Teens, vote for me at www.teenchoiceawards.com and I tell you the secret of how to disable all the parental controls on your computer. Aug 04, 2011
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: Back home again in Springfield for one day of rest before working on fresh bitterness for next year's #ComicCon. #FOXSDCC Jul 25, 2011
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: Got to #ComicCon a little late because, like every Sunday morning, I spent 2 hours in Church... ‘s Fried Chicken. #FOXSDCC Jul 24, 2011
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: Seeing Anna Torv today! And the question mic is OVER 100 feet from the stage, so I won’t be violating the restraining ... Jul 23, 2011
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: To all you muggles who say I'm not really here at #ComicCon... does THIS answer your question?! Check. Mate. #fox htt ... Jul 23, 2011
|
| RT @ComicBookGuy: OMG, I just saw Stan Lee walk by! No, wait, it was someone in a Crypt Keeper costume. #FOXSDCC Jul 22, 2011
|
| No deal! RT @ComicBookGuy I'm leaving my store to go to #ComicCon for the next 5 days. Please, thieves, steal my Archie comics #FOXSDCC Jul 21, 2011
|
| This guy torments my kid. That’s worth an RT to me! RT @ComicBookGuy I'm off to #ComicCon, aka "The Gathering Of The Normals." #FOXSDCC Jul 21, 2011
|
| I might win a "Teen Choice" Award. Just in case, I took down my "Living Corpse" Trophy to make room. #TeenChoiceAwards Jul 18, 2011
|
| It's not fair I have to compete for the #TeenChoiceAward against the married team of Ashton Kutcher and Demi Lovato. http://bit.ly/kGKtS5 Jul 08, 2011
|
| I'm nominated for a #TeenChoiceAward! Til now the only thing teens have chosen me for is to ask me to buy them beer. http://bit.ly/kGKtS5 Jul 05, 2011
|
| Woohoo! I'm nominated for a #TeenChoiceAward! Hey, @justinbieber do you hear footsteps? And the occasional belch? http://bit.ly/kGKtS5 Jun 29, 2011
|
| Thinking about going to the gym. Sorry, mistyped. I meant the cheese-steak place. May 29, 2011
|
| Every time I watch the dog pee on Flanders’ lawn, I proudly think “I taught him that”. May 27, 2011
|
| After a lawsuit brought by concerned citizens, the Environmental Protection Agency has been granted the right to regulate my emissions. May 26, 2011
|
| Lisa’s bunny died and we had a funeral out back. But dead things in the yard are unsanitary so after she was asleep I dug it up and ate it. May 26, 2011
|
| I’m not fat, I’m obesely gifted. May 25, 2011
|
| Does anyone have something for a headache? By headache I mean Bart, and by something I mean an ice dungeon somewhere in Antarctica. May 22, 2011
|
| Save our tax dollars: stop the CIA from creating deadly super-agents and then having to kill them ‘cause they want to “get out of the game.” May 20, 2011
|
| Maggie just shoved a peanut up her nose. She should know better. Shoving food up your nose is for grownups like me. May 18, 2011
|
| Pretty happy. Perfect 300 at the bowling alley last night. Still don't know why they have a scale there. May 18, 2011
|
| These "No Texting While Driving" laws are dumb! What's the harm in-- Look out! Aughh! The flames! See? I texted that joke while dr May 17, 2011
|
| I'm fat so you might assume I'm lazy and eat a lot. And you'd be right. See, stereotypes work! May 16, 2011
|
| Every time I despair and think there is no God, I look at my son cuddled up asleep in his bed. And then I KNOW there is no God. May 14, 2011
|
| If life gives you lemons, then throw them at Flanders when he's not looking. May 12, 2011
|
| Bagel is to donut as muffin is to cupcake. The only question I got right on the SAT. May 11, 2011
|
| The early bird gets the worm. The guy who sleeps in gets the brunch menu at Lard Lad. You be the judge. May 11, 2011
|
| If one more person calls me an unacknowledged genius, that’ll be the first time. May 10, 2011
|
| Time to call pest control. Guess what I found living in the attic? Two raccoons and a Grampa. May 06, 2011
|
| When will world’s plumbers invent extra-large-sized plumbing, and end the scourge of fat men wedged into their bathtubs? May 05, 2011
|
| We could solve all our budget problems if we just taxed fat-cat millionaires. Why doesn’t our millionaire-filled Congress understand this? May 04, 2011
|
| We went to the Isotopes game yesterday. It was "Free 10 Rolls Of Toilet Paper Night" -- but they didn't know that. May 03, 2011
|
| Phil Rosenthal had it easy. He only took "Raymond" to Russia. David Hasselhoff had to bring "Baywatch Nights" all the way from Heaven. Apr 30, 2011
|
| Either Phil Rosenthal made a movie about taking "Raymond" to Russian TV, or @ExportingRay is a skin flick. Either way, I'm there. Apr 29, 2011
|
| The month of April is named after Avril Lavigne, the popular Canadian singer known for misspelling her name. Apr 29, 2011
|
| I love Spring. The risk of passing out drunk and dying in a snow bank is gone for another 6 months. Woo-hoo! Apr 29, 2011
|
| You know why they call it “Spring Break?” Because when the kids stay home you try to break your own neck. Come on, neck, break, damn you. Apr 28, 2011
|
| After all the recent tornados, I’ve decided to build a storm cellar. I need someplace safe for cinderblocks and rebar. Apr 27, 2011
|
| You know why they call it “Spring Break?” Because when the kids stay home you try to break your own neck. Come on, neck, break, damn you. Apr 27, 2011
|
| Only 2 weeks till Mother’s Day. Still time to think of an excuse why I didn’t buy Marge anything. Apr 25, 2011
|
| It was on Easter when I was 6 that I learned life wasn't fair. I ate a chocolate bunny and the eyes were candy and not real rabbit eyes! Apr 24, 2011
|
| I like to think Easter is late this year because the Easter Bunny heard about my Peeps OD last year. Well, it's none of his damn business! Apr 23, 2011
|
| Bart's Little League opening day is a week away. He's practicing his batting and I'm practicing my not showing up. Apr 20, 2011
|
| April showers bring May flowers. That’s how May’s husband found out his wife was a lesbian and dating a girl named April Showers Apr 19, 2011
|
| I just learned Jews can't drink beer on Passover. That’s anti-Semitism! Apr 18, 2011
|
| I got invited to a Passover seder once. I knew they couldn't eat bread so I brought a nice ham. Not as grateful as you might think. Apr 18, 2011
|
| Can you claim your fat folds as dependents? I sure hope so, because I just did. Plus, I gave them names. Apr 16, 2011
|
| …And though the penalties, may be quite high, it doesn’t matter ‘cause my 1040 is just lie after lie. Apr 15, 2011
|
| Though April tax bills, may come my way, I will not pay them, ‘til late in May... Apr 15, 2011
|
| I’m a man of the world: I eat like an American, drink like a German, relax like a Frenchman and don’t pay taxes like a Swiss guy. Apr 15, 2011
|
| I went to Moe's and he was doing his taxes. He files a 1040 Slee-Z form. I paid Bart 5000 bucks for that joke -- work expense! Apr 14, 2011
|
| It’s easy to balance the budget. Soak the rich, screw the poor, and give me whatever’s left over, in the form of butter-fried lard bacon. Apr 13, 2011
|
| I think both the Democrats and Republicans did a great job fixing the budget. In case you didn't realize, I typed this sarcastically. Apr 13, 2011
|
| There’s something fishy at the Masters. Tiger Woods was beaten by Charl Schwartzel from South Africa? Phony name, phony country! Apr 11, 2011
|
| Just bowled a perfect 300 -- 300 ounces of beer and still managed to finish the game. Apr 09, 2011
|
| I saw Lisa make a potato clock in school, so when my phone battery died I replaced it with an order of french fries. Don’t bother calling. Apr 06, 2011
|
| I ate two slices and then realized my pizza looked just like pac-man. So this is what a religious experience feels like. Apr 04, 2011
|
| Bart is studying ancient Rome in school, and he says my Roman name would be Lamewadius Maximus. Woo hoo! I’m the maximus of a thing. Mar 31, 2011
|
| Nothing better than sitting on the couch in your underwear. I'm gonna enjoy this until the department store security guys show up. Mar 31, 2011
|
| Bart is really falling down on the job. He promised to retweet anything clever I say but so far he hasn’t retweeted tweet one. Mar 29, 2011
|
| Now that I'm one of @TIME Magazine's 140 Most Influential Tweeters, I command you to go out and bring me beer. http://ti.me/fuYSX6 Mar 29, 2011
|
| Woo hoo! @TIME put me on their list of the 140 best Twitter feeds. http://ti.me/dWPV1e http://ti.me/fuYSX6 Suck on that, @BarackObama Mar 28, 2011
|
| In Bizarro Springfield, I’m the idiot. Mar 28, 2011
|
| What’s the big deal with the budget deficit? The president should do like me: photocopy money. He can probably afford a color copier. Mar 25, 2011
|
| March is hump month. Halfway between the horror of Christmas holidays and the nightmare of summer vacation. Mar 24, 2011
|
| My turn to do laundry. Oh please, great Mayan doomsday, come early. Mar 23, 2011
|
| March is a tough month. Only two pro sports. I need four at least to justify my daytime drinking and hooting. Mar 22, 2011
|
| A lot of upheaval in the middle-east. Specifically my middle east - I just ate six tacos. Mar 21, 2011
|
| You enjoyed St. Patrick’s Day, now celebrate St. Homer’s Day: he drove the Flanders out of Springfield. (They came back.) Mar 18, 2011
|
| Either I just met a delightful Leprechaun, or I got mugged by a vicious 9 year old. Mar 18, 2011
|
| Whadda hell you lookindat?! Voaeu7045r70a39auytonfancnma;!! Mar 17, 2011
|
| Happy St. Patrick's Day to all my Irish friends! (Typed while sober the night before.) Mar 17, 2011
|
| If the Libyans need someone to replace Ghaddafi, I’m available. Wait, he’s a vicious strongman? I thought you wanted a vichyssoise fatman. Mar 16, 2011
|
| Hope your omens are good on the Ides of March. Mine are terrible -- I’m too fat for my toga. Mar 15, 2011
|
| February is great, because it’s the shortest month and before you know it, you’re in -- oh, dammit, March?!! I hate that month! Mar 08, 2011
|
| Woo-hoo shortest month! If the calendar is the NBA, then good luck getting off the bench Feb 28, 2011
|
| I can't believe the #Oscars snubbed whatever the hell Adam Sandler movie I saw that time. Feb 28, 2011
|
| I hope Toy Story 3 wins Best Picture. And, for shutting my kids up for 90 minutes, it should get the Nobel Prize. #Oscars Feb 28, 2011
|
| Tonight all of Hollywood will be clamoring for a naked yellow man with a little sword. Sounds like my bedroom every night. #Oscars Feb 28, 2011
|
| To answer every Oscar-watcher's favorite question: Tonight I'm wearing spilled Duff with splattered pasta sauce highlights. #Oscars Feb 28, 2011
|
| Tonight are the Independent Spirit Awards -- the cute little singer/songwriter opening act for the King of Rock that is The #Oscars. Feb 27, 2011
|
| The countdown is on! Only 24 hours till I stop seeing a million commercials for "The King's Speech" every night. #Oscars Feb 27, 2011
|
| It's #Oscars Eve, which means it's time to hang the swag bags by the fireplace in hopes that Saint Nicolas Cage will fill them with iPads. Feb 26, 2011
|
| Somewhere somebody is tweeting the Arab Revolutions, but you’re following a man playing with his own man-boobs. Cootchie cootchie! Feb 25, 2011
|
| February. Maybe on a leap year you could play, but still only during garbage time. Feb 25, 2011
|
| ...I just found it. Or some of it. Feb 25, 2011
|
| I'm at Moe's watching Barney get his stomach pumped by EMTs. If anyone lost a wedding ring with the inscription "Love, Carol," ... Feb 25, 2011
|
| If I had a time machine, I'd let other people worry about saving Abraham Lincoln. I'd tell my young self to eat more Pixie Stix. Feb 24, 2011
|
| Don’t tell my family about events in Egypt. I don’t want them getting ideas about deposing an abusive dictator who eats all the dates. Feb 23, 2011
|
| I wish I had wooden teeth like George Washington. Never have to brush, just paint occasionally. Feb 23, 2011
|
| I learn a lot of history at car dealerships. For example, Lincoln was an inflatable giant with fast-flapping arms who liked you to buy cars. Feb 22, 2011
|
| If Lincoln was alive today he could make a ton of money working as a Lincoln-impersonating robot. #presidentsday Feb 21, 2011
|
| All I know about baskeTBTall is that the better a player is, the more tattoos he can afford. That Kat Von D lady must be awesome! Feb 21, 2011
|
| Game’s on Lakers court cause fans are used to games with no defense. Take that Staples Center engineer who said I won’t fit in a seat! Feb 21, 2011
|
| 40 years ago, I stepped on a scale in Florida. That day, the term Daytona 500 was coined. Feb 20, 2011
|
| Daytona today! 500 miles. I don't know how those guys do it - I could never drive that far while sober. Feb 20, 2011
|
| The real slam dunk contest is going on between my donut and my beer. Mmm, soggy. Feb 20, 2011
|
| A computer may have won Jeopardy, but it’ll never replace me. Unlike me, computers feel shame when they do a terrible job. Feb 19, 2011
|
| On this day in 1930, Pluto was discovered. Happy birthday, from one recovering planetary body to another. Feb 18, 2011
|
| Woke up from a deep sleep at 6 AM and it felt really great. Probably cause I was driving home from Moe's right at that time. Feb 18, 2011
|
| If there's one thing I've learned from being a father, it's nothing. Feb 17, 2011
|
| Just read something shocking - donut holes are made separate, not taken from donuts. Thanks Wikileaks, you did it again. Feb 17, 2011
|
| Congrats to @ArcadeFire on their Grammy. I caused an Arcade Fire once when I walked through an arcade while wearing corduroys. #Grammys Feb 16, 2011
|
| It’s irresponsible and dangerous to text and drive. Next time, do what I do -- pull your car over. Then make Bart drive while you type. Feb 15, 2011
|
| For our special Valentine’s Day dinner, we’re having Prix Fixe by Chef Henri, Death by Chocolate, and Heimlich by Springfield Paramedics. Feb 15, 2011
|
| I was gonna wear a sexy thong for Valentine’s Day, but it turns out any piece of underwear looks tiny when it’s on my giant ass. Feb 14, 2011
|
| Hey Lenny, where’s my Valentine’s Day card. Gestures matter, you know. Feb 14, 2011
|
| I’m rooting for Eminem. If he wins, it might open the door for other singers named after candy. #Grammys Feb 14, 2011
|
| As a former #Grammys winner, I’m going to be in that “People Who Died” montage someday. I only hope I live long enough to see it. Feb 14, 2011
|
| .@LadyGaga is the greatest genius of our time. Her meat dress made the dream of food-based clothing a reality. And I hear she sings, too. Feb 14, 2011
|
| As a past recipient, I have some advice for tonight's winners: don't try to use the trophy as a gold ice cream cone. #Grammys Feb 14, 2011
|
| Shoveling snow is a great way to exercise. I burned 5 calories ordering Bart to do it. Feb 12, 2011
|
| MLK inspired us to make our dreams come true, which is why I’m sleeping on a waterbed made of donuts & filled with beer. #blackhistorymonth Feb 11, 2011
|
| Hey, when is yellow history month? I hope it's not Tuesday - I have a bowling match. #blackhistorymonth Feb 09, 2011
|
| Should've bet GB instead of on Carl eating 1000 peanuts. I tried to coach him through his nut allergy. Sure hope the ER doctors can. Feb 07, 2011
|
| Congratulations Packers, you did it. Now the bad news, you still live in Green Bay. #superbowl Feb 07, 2011
|
| I guess it's all about who wants it more. #superbowl Feb 07, 2011
|
| The big game today; me versus sobriety. Sobriety has lost 10 years in a row and things don’t look good this year - Feb 07, 2011
|
| Well, well, so the world championship comes down to teams from Pittsburgh & Green Bay. Suck on that, rest of the world! Feb 06, 2011
|
| It's expensive but it makes the sponsors happy and that's what sports is about. #superbowl Feb 06, 2011
|
| My little tradition when watching the big game. I buy everything that's advertised. Feb 06, 2011
|
| I’m trapped in my car in a blizzard. If I die, donate my body to science, preferably an experiment to see how much beer a corpse can drink. Feb 04, 2011
|
| Happy New Year to my Chinese friends. And happy nothing to most people I know. Feb 04, 2011
|
| Also, if alcohol poisoning counts, maybe a purple heart. Feb 03, 2011
|
| Barney just burped the national anthem – he’s a patriot and deserves a Kennedy Center honor. Feb 03, 2011
|
| Chinese New Year today. Geez, think how short their Ryan Seacrest must be. Feb 03, 2011
|
| So the groundhog didn’t see his shadow. Big deal. Thanks to my fat, I haven’t seen anything on the ground for ten years. Feb 03, 2011
|
| I wish my Groundhog Day would be repeated over and over because I just found a three week old sandwich in the sofa. Feb 02, 2011
|
| I had a great time clearing the walk with my new snow blower. Except now I can’t find the dog. Feb 02, 2011
|
| Thanks to the cold weather, I can keep my beer cool outside. Fridge limits on my drunkenness no longer apply! Feb 02, 2011
|
| Black ice on the road: the perfect excuse to slide through an intersection without stopping. Jan 31, 2011
|
| If global warming is so real, shouldn’t I be seeing more than one camel roaming the wintertime streets of Springfield? Jan 30, 2011
|
| Now is a great time to service your air conditioner in preparation for the summer, and next month is a great time to forget to pay the bill. Jan 29, 2011
|
| I'm not asleep, I just work best with my eyes closed. I guess I'm like an airplane pilot in that sense. Jan 28, 2011
|
| My kids have buried me inside a snow fort. Send help and beer. Jan 28, 2011
|
| Winter tip: tie a keg of beer around your dog’s neck, so he can save you in case you’re buried in an avalanche without being drunk enough. Jan 27, 2011
|
| 2 meltdowns at the nuclear plant today - one nuclear, one ice-cream cone. Both very sad but only one rocky road. Jan 26, 2011
|
| It was the home video of Lisa and me at “Take Your Daughter To Work Day.” Jan 24, 2011
|
| This weekend I watched a movie about a girl and a fat, over-the-hill drunk who kills people... Jan 24, 2011
|
| You know how the “experts” say you should always steer your car into a skid? Turns out, they’re right. Jan 22, 2011
|
| Another milestone: my butt cheeks now expand over three airline seats. Jan 21, 2011
|
| They say no two snowflakes are exactly alike. The same goes for belches. Jan 19, 2011
|
| My year-end performance rating at work: “worse than strapping a corpse to the workstation.” Big improvement. Last year I rated “much worse.” Jan 19, 2011
|
| It was so cold today. When Marge shoveled the sidewalk, I could see her breath all the way from the living room couch. Jan 17, 2011
|
| Stomach pumped, heart-restarted, I'm a new man with his priorities straight. Did they introduce Miss Golden Globes yet? #GoldenGlobes Jan 17, 2011
|
| Hi, this is Marge. Homer had to go to the hospital for alcohol poisoning. Thanks a lot, Hollywood phonies! #GoldenGlobes Jan 17, 2011
|
| I'm playing a #GoldenGlobes drinking game: I'm gonna chug a beer every time I see a nominee pretend to be humble. Jan 17, 2011
|
| I'm a big fan of "Boardwalk Empire," because it stars two of my all-time favorites: beer and cotton candy. #GoldenGlobes Jan 17, 2011
|
| I'm really rooting for "Inception." If it wins, I'm hoping it paves the way for Hollywood to make more pro-sleeping movies. #GoldenGlobes Jan 17, 2011
|
| I love the #GoldenGlobes. They're like the Oscars of movie award shows. Jan 17, 2011
|
| Like Rex Ryan I also have a fetish, but the feet I'm into is six-foot party subs. #NFL Jan 16, 2011
|
| I'd root against him but I'm not sure Mark Sanchez is a real jet either. #NFL Jan 16, 2011
|
| If Tom Brady was a real Patriot, he'd marry an American supermodel. #NFL Jan 16, 2011
|
| {{{1}}}
|
| ...our other kids. Jan 15, 2011
|
| America’s greatest hope is our kids, because only they will have the strength and knowledge to defeat America’s greatest threat... Jan 15, 2011
|
| Lots of fooTBTall this weekend. That means also lots of my other favorite sport - ignoring the kids! #NFL Jan 14, 2011
|
| Ah, January, or as I call it, “Exchange All the Ugly, Ill-fitting Sweaters You Got as Gifts for an X-rated Video Game” Month. Jan 13, 2011
|
| It’s always confusing remembering the new date. Mr Burns is still writing “2011 B.C.” on his checks. Jan 12, 2011
|
| This year the holidays ended at 2 AM. Jan 11, 2011
|
| I really know the holidays are over when I’ve thrown the old Christmas tree over the fence into Flanders' yard. Jan 11, 2011
|
| I love how the best colleges have the worst fooTBTall teams – take that nerds! #Oregon #Auburn Jan 11, 2011
|
| If you're the quarterback on the blue team and you're reading this, you're about to get sacked. Oh, forget it. #Auburn Jan 11, 2011
|
| Stupid Flanders busted in my garage window! I’m gonna sue him as soon as I get out of Intensive Care. Jan 08, 2011
|
| I’m warming the car up in my garage. My warm, cozy, completely enclosed garage. So warm… so odorless… so sleepy… Jan 08, 2011
|
| So far this year has started pretty much like the last one ended - me watching fooTBTall and ignoring the kids. #CottonBowl Jan 08, 2011
|
| I'm glad it's a new year. I did something embarrassing last year I'm trying to move past - I paid to see “Yogi Bear.” Jan 06, 2011
|
| Drunk. It’s always New Years somewhere, right? Jan 06, 2011
|
| My new year’s resolution - gain 50 pounds. It won't be easy but I'm just gonna take it one beer-battered bacon sundae at a time. Jan 05, 2011
|
| I’m getting all ready to watch the sugar bowl tonight. I think Bart’s been stealing from it. Jan 05, 2011
|
| OMG! First #Usher steals my physique, now this! http://bit.ly/eEpQWz Jan 04, 2011
|
| .@UsherRaymondIV, thanks to you I’m finally famous! You totally have permission to cover my song at the Grammys. http://tinyurl.com/2cnwgqw Jan 03, 2011
|
| New Year’s Resolution #5: learn to hibernate, and then do it.⁰⁰ Jan 02, 2011
|
| You can have your parade float made of roses. I’d like a float made of beer cans. They last longer. And they contain beer. Jan 02, 2011
|
| I have no pants, my legs are covered in vomit, and my left side is paralyzed. Looks like for once I didn’t overdo it on New Years Eve. Jan 01, 2011
|
| Today’s kids don’t know a world without computers. My kids do -- and I plan to keep it that way. Dec 29, 2010
|
| I don’t like Cher because her name reminds me of something I don’t like doing. Dec 28, 2010
|
| Man, I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve said, “I wish I had a dollar for every time I’ve said” something. Dec 28, 2010
|
| I’d want a teddy bear for adults but stuffed with ham and devilled eggs instead of foam. You’re not long for this world, bear. Dec 24, 2010
|
| I just invented “The Homer Simpson diet”: eat cheeseburgers until you die, after which the pounds melt off. Dec 23, 2010
|
| I applied for a job in “The Land that Time Forgot” ‘cause I figured no one there would notice when I show up late. Dec 21, 2010
|
| Sorry, fell asleep. Hey, how come you’re not running? Dec 20, 2010
|
| I’m in the core trying to stop a meltdown. If you don’t get a tweet from me every five minutes, I’m dead and you should run for your lives! Dec 20, 2010
|
| You know who doesn’t get a lot of credit? Marge Simpson. And who doesn’t she get a lot of credit from? Her entire family. Dec 17, 2010
|
| According to Bart, my brain is so wooden it’s under attack by pine beetles. Is this possible? ‘Cause it sounds scary. Dec 17, 2010
|
| Maggie is so lucky. I wish someone would trap me in a chair and shove mush in my face. Dec 16, 2010
|
| Cleaning is so tiring. I constantly have to lift my feet so Marge can vacuum underneath them. What is this, Alcatraz? Dec 15, 2010
|
| I’ve been tweeting for over a year now. After beer and Marge, this has been my most successful long-term relationship. Dec 14, 2010
|
| Classic college fooTBTall rivalries: Army-Navy, Harvard-Yale, and Homer-Bart, for control of the TV remote on Saturday afternoons. Dec 11, 2010
|
| Here’s a sure tip for fantastic sex: let the 21 year olds do it. Dec 11, 2010
|
| Planet of the Apes -- big deal. Let the apes revolt. I can pass for a gorilla. Dec 10, 2010
|
| I love that sweet alone time after dumping the kids at school but before going to work. That’s why I pray for traffic every day. Dec 08, 2010
|
| Couldn’t wait. If you want him, he’s outside, chained to the mailbox. Dec 06, 2010
|
| Offer doesn't have to be reasonable. Dec 06, 2010
|
| Beer doesn't have to be cold. No reasonable offer refused. Dec 06, 2010
|
| Will trade 10 year old boy for cold beer. Dec 06, 2010
|
| I’m having dinner with Marge in a swanky restaurant. Couldn’t find a sitter so left the kids with the parking valet. We’ll double tip him. Dec 04, 2010
|
| Ways I’d like to die: drowned in nacho cheese sauce, or shot by a bullet made of frozen beer. Dec 02, 2010
|
| If I was an alien with a death ray, I wouldn’t *call* it a death ray, I’d call it a *love* ray. Then, when you were least expecting it: zap! Nov 30, 2010
|
| Did you ever think about computers? Some guy did or else we wouldn't have them. Think about that. Nov 29, 2010
|
| I’ve decided to start a realistic diet: at most eight gallons of ice cream a night. Oh, I’ll never do that, make it ten. Nov 27, 2010
|
| Chomp, chomp, chomp... hey, wait a minute. If I’m trying to eat my cell phone, what did I just tweet on my turkey leg? Nov 25, 2010
|
| I saw a funny thing today but I'm not telling what it is or everyone would be laughing about it. Nov 23, 2010
|
| Save the whales! And by whales, I mean me. Save me! Nov 22, 2010
|
| I wish I was a Sorcerer’s Apprentice. When the Sorcerer was out I’d steal from his magic refrigerator that never runs out of cold cuts. Nov 19, 2010
|
| That time I said “Bye” and Nov 17, 2010
|
| She’s pretty mad. I really better stop tweeting. Bye. Nov 17, 2010
|
| Okay, I figured it out. She wasn’t saying anything, just screaming at me for tweeting while she’s stuck. Nov 17, 2010
|
| Oh, actually she wasn’t saying “hi” at all, but “help.” Her dress is caught in the dishwasher. Nov 17, 2010
|
| Sorry, She wasn’t saying “hi” to you, but the guy next to you. Nov 17, 2010
|
| Marge says “hi.” Nov 17, 2010
|
| I like the center seat on planes, so I can slop over into the seats on either side. It’s a great way to meet your fellow passengers. Nov 16, 2010
|
| Donovan McNabb went to the Redskins with high hopes, immediately got into trouble, & now can’t get anything done. Washington strikes again. Nov 16, 2010
|
| Early to beer, early to wine, makes a man sleepy, weepy, but fun. Nov 13, 2010
|
| A tip to remember it’s cold in the fall. Every month ends with “brrr”: Septembrr, Octobrr, Novembrr. Another way to remember: look outside. Nov 12, 2010
|
| I love cold fall weather. It’s like living in a refrigerator but roomier and without it stinking of tuna salad. Nov 12, 2010
|
| Why do kids need backpacks? I stored a crayon in my head for 30 years and it didn’t affect me one bib. Nov 11, 2010
|
| It’s getting cold and people are gonna need wool sweaters, so if you’re a sheep, fair warning, get ready to be shorn. You’re welcome. Nov 09, 2010
|
| Did you know I played a little pro fooTBTall? On Special teams. I was the guy who licked up the Gatorade after they dumped it on the coach. Nov 09, 2010
|
| My fantasy fooTBTall team isn’t doing very well. That’s not the way I fantasized it! Nov 07, 2010
|
| Americans are doing less daylight saving these days. It's all credit. A rich guy told me that joke, but I don't get it. Nov 06, 2010
|
| I faked sick from work the same day Bart faked sick to stay home from school. That’s how we both learned genetics are a real thing. Nov 05, 2010
|
| I just took Marge on a fabulous anniversary date in “Second Life.” I got sex from Virtual Marge, but from real Marge, nada. Nov 05, 2010
|
| My tip to keep summer alive; wear your bathing suit to work. It works unless you’re a lifeguard. Nov 03, 2010
|
| Marge and Lisa like to go for a drive to see the different color leaves. I help by not going with them and yelling “boring!” Nov 01, 2010
|
| Yeah, I've read some of those classical tell-me-stuffs. Oct 31, 2010
|
| I heard some USC fooTBTall players got into trouble at a frat party. Once again, some Greeks are destroying the Trojans. Oct 31, 2010
|
| Moe’s special fall beer comes out today. He calls it that ‘cause if you drink some, you “autumn” get to a hospital, fast. Oct 29, 2010
|
| My fantasy fooTBTall team: the players are beers, coach is a burger and the field is bacon. What am I gonna fantasize about - Tom Brady? Oct 18, 2010
|
| It’s nice to see Favre still playing. Gives hope to the rest of us that we can hang around long after everyone is sick of us. Oct 17, 2010
|
| I’m in the Decontamination Room at the nuclear plant, snapping my Level-IV radiation scrub towel at Lenny’s pechangas. Oct 15, 2010
|
| I predict America’s first cyborg will be half teenager, half texting smartphone. Oct 14, 2010
|
| Just read the book “Into Thin Air”, which describes where Marge’s words go when she’s nagging at me to do chores. Oct 13, 2010
|
| Well, it’s been over three months, but I’ve finally completed Maggie’s jigsaw puzzle. Hint: clown face UP. Oct 12, 2010
|
| It’s nice to see Favre still playing. Gives hope to the rest of us that we can hang around long after everyone is sick of us Oct 12, 2010
|
| I root for my alma mater, Springfield U. We’ve never had wealthy alumni cause recruiting violations, because we *have* no wealthy alumni. Oct 09, 2010
|
| My hands get dry from choking Bart, but then his tears make a great moisturizer. Amazing, it's like evolution knows. Oct 08, 2010
|
| Homer salutes the Texas Rangers on their great season! Now you're the second thing to be a lot better without George Bush in charge. Oct 08, 2010
|
| Homer's tribute to baseball salutes the New York Yankees! By taking the fun out of winning, you made it easier for me to embrace losing. Oct 06, 2010
|
| I loved "Mike & Molly" -- finally a show about normal skinny people like me. Oct 06, 2010
|
| My summer goal was to eat my weight in hot dogs, but I failed. Every time I ate one, my weight went up. That’s cheating, hot dogs! Oct 05, 2010
|
| I'm a big fan of New England Patriots Quarterback Tom Brady. Which Brady kid was he? Bobby? Marsha? Oct 05, 2010
|
| I once tried out for an NFL team, but they turned me down, because based on my IQ testing I had already had eight concussions. Oct 03, 2010
|
| My favorite college fooTBTall division is the Big Twelve, which I watch with the Fat Twelve – twelve full size bologna sausages. Oct 02, 2010
|
| The days are getting shorter now but so is Grandpa. I’ve decided to ignore both those facts. Oct 01, 2010
|
| For fine dining, try the back booth at Krusty Burger. It’s where the fryer grease splatters when they pull out a basket of fries. Sep 30, 2010
|
| Saw the horror movie “Date Night.” This is why I tell Marge our date nights should be me watching wrestling while she makes waffles. Sep 30, 2010
|
| Marge spent an hour last night watching "The Event": me trying to get up off the couch. Sep 29, 2010
|
| I hear this year big changes are happening on "House" -- now he's gonna be wrong SIX times before finally being right. Sep 28, 2010
|
| Homer's tribute to baseball salutes the Phillies and their fans! Any town that can boo Mike Schmidt and Santa Claus is okay by me. Sep 28, 2010
|
| I loved "Boardwalk Empire." My favorite character -- the cotton candy machine. Sep 27, 2010
|
| The Minnesota Vikings are off to a rough start, 0 and 2. Coincidentally, that's also the record of my heart vs pork cholesterol. Sep 26, 2010
|
| ...me having sex with Marge with the kids home. Sep 25, 2010
|
| Two miracles of deception, timing, and guts last Saturday: MSU’s fake field goal against Notre Dame; ... Sep 25, 2010
|
| Homer's tribute to baseball salutes the New York Mets! Just like me, they haven't done anything worth celebrating since 1986. Sep 25, 2010
|
| Woohoo, the new TV season is here! No more having to talk to Marge or the kids till June! Sep 23, 2010
|
| Dear Cubs fans, I feel your pain. I, too, have been cursed by a Billy Goat. It kicked me in the crotch as I tried to eat it. Sep 23, 2010
|
| School starting makes me think how Bart’s growing up. Pretty soon my little boy will be moving out, off to prison. Sunrise, sunset. Sep 21, 2010
|
| The NFL should replace the preseason games with a big party where the players say goodbye to their knees and Achilles tendons. Sep 21, 2010
|
| The Jets have a brand new stadium in New Jersey, with skyboxes, play areas, and over 200 mobsters buried in the foundations. Sep 19, 2010
|
| It’s Yom Kippur, when Jews don’t eat all day. Woo-hoo, more bacon for me! Sep 18, 2010
|
| Bart became Jewish to miss school on their holidays. He plans to switch back after Hannukah but before Xmas to get double presents. Sep 18, 2010
|
| Going to a Parent/Teacher meeting, which, for me to get through it, means a Homer/6-pack meeting. Sep 15, 2010
|
| Just got some Back To School supplies for the kids, now some for me and Marge: a big bag of Cheetos and a bottle of champagne. Sep 14, 2010
|
| It’s “Back To School” time, which for me, means “Back To Walking Around The House With No Pants On.” Sep 13, 2010
|
| It’s National Grandparents day but I don’t celebrate it ‘cause I never bought Grandpa a computer. Or TV. Or calendar. Or medicine. Sep 12, 2010
|
| You don’t have to spend a lot to have a backyard pool party. Just drive your backhoe through the waterline in Flanders’s backyard. Sep 11, 2010
|
| Jewish people have it great. They get New Year’s early and don’t have to see Ryan Seacrest all over their TV. Sep 09, 2010
|
| Two great end-of-summer traditions: backyard barbeques and me crashing them. Sep 08, 2010
|
| Labor Day is over, and all I have to remember it by is the incredibly painful sunburn on my bald spot. Sep 07, 2010
|
| I don’t know why we celebrate Labor Day. Marge has spent a lot of time in labor and all I got was three rotten kids. Sep 06, 2010
|
| At the beach today, a great white shark thought I was a seal and tried to eat me, but I’m okay. It wasn’t used to that much blubber Sep 04, 2010
|
| Hooray for Labor Day, the day we celebrate America’s workers by getting them drunk and sunburned. Sep 03, 2010
|
| Woo hoo, no work Monday! (Even though I’ve always considered that day optional.) Sep 03, 2010
|
| I'm at work. If anyone here is reading this, that chocolate donut is mine. No not that one. The other one. Sep 02, 2010
|
| Flowers I like: Brandon. Flowers I hate: the grow-y ones. Sep 01, 2010
|
| ...An option I decline, thank you. Aug 31, 2010
|
| Winter is great because the weather keeps your beer cold, but you can’t beat summer because pants are optional... Aug 31, 2010
|
| Fun summer activity: trim your hedges so they read “You suck, Flanders.” Aug 31, 2010
|
| Who needs expensive air conditioning when you’ve trained two kids to stand for hours fanning you with a magazine. Aug 27, 2010
|
| ...Ironic isn't it it? They had to be out of school to actually learn something they can use! Aug 26, 2010
|
| With no school, the kids can bring beers right to my hammock... Aug 26, 2010
|
| I love the summer sports... tennis, golf, lawn bowling. And by love I mean love lying on the sofa watching them on TV. Aug 25, 2010
|
| I wish summer was in the winter. That way the kids would be in school and I could really enjoy myself. Aug 24, 2010
|
| Man, it’s so hot you could cook a steak on the sidewalk. Okay, maybe it would be rare on the inside, but crusted with sidewalk dirt?... Yum! Aug 23, 2010
|
| If anyone is going to the beach this weekend, you’ve been warned: a drunk fat guy with rotten kids is probably gonna ruin your day Aug 21, 2010
|
| Perfect summer activity - moon the sun. I think that's called an eclipse. Aug 20, 2010
|
| I love summer - I don't have to drive the kids to school. It's as great as it was when Lisa was sick and Bart was suspended. Aug 18, 2010
|
| Nothing cools you down on a hot summer day like filling Maggie’s wading pool with beer, getting in, and drinking. Aug 17, 2010
|
| Time for a classic summer ritual: skinnydipping in the ol’ swimming hole... Aug 16, 2010
|
| It's so hot today. Now I know how soup feels. But not gazpacho - that's winter. Aug 13, 2010
|
| I'm soaking in a kiddy pool drinking a six-pack. This is the best day at work ever! Aug 12, 2010
|
| ...Wait, I think that might have been Lex Luthor. Aug 11, 2010
|
| Stupid sun. Why doesn't Obama blow that hot jerk up already? I'm pretty sure it was his campaign promise... Aug 11, 2010
|
| I don't think this is the summer of love. From calendars I've seen, it's the summer of 2010. Aug 11, 2010
|
| Oh my God, what did I do? Three weeks in a car with this rotten kid? C'mon, stroke -- take me now! Aug 09, 2010
|
| Bart and I are taking a road trip to every Major League ballpark this summer. It's our chance to have some quality father & son time. Aug 09, 2010
|
| I’m going to a family reunion BBQ at the park today. I’ll pick the family when I get there – probably whoever has the thickest burgers. Aug 07, 2010
|
| Bart's even failing summer school. He may have to go to school when the summer ends, too. A vicious cycle. Aug 06, 2010
|
| I’m off on my summer holiday, which is going to work so I can get away from Bart and Lisa. Aug 05, 2010
|
| I’m tired of these dumb billboards that say “WHO IS SALT?” Salt is the best friend a plate of spaghetti and meaTBTalls ever had, that’s who! Aug 05, 2010
|
| Seeing “Inception” gave me a great idea: go into Marge's dreams and make her cook me pork chops every night. Aug 04, 2010
|
| ...But now I have to wait to go home - I've been drinking and I can't drive. Aug 02, 2010
|
| It's so hot here today, I only came to work because it's air-conditioned... Aug 02, 2010
|
| No, it wasn’t Corey Pavin, it was Jeremy Piven. These celebrity golf tournaments are confusing. Aug 01, 2010
|
| Just saw Corey Pavin. Aug 01, 2010
|
| Playing a game at the beach with Bart. He buried me in sand but instead of "Homer," he keeps calling me "imu"... Jul 31, 2010
|
| ...Stupid kid. Even his hawaiian friends were laughing. Jul 31, 2010
|
| The 7/31 baseball trading deadline is near. I'm considering sending Bart to the Flanders family for a socket wrench & beer to be named later Jul 30, 2010
|
| Chomp, chomp, chomp... hey, wait a minute. If I’m trying to eat my cell phone, what did I just tweet on my pork chop? Jul 30, 2010
|
| You know how sometimes a phone number can spell stuff? Mine just spells a bunch of numbers. Jul 28, 2010
|
| There's nothing good on TV and I'm sober - why do I even come in to work at all? Jul 27, 2010
|
| I’m so proud of Maggie. She just learned two new ways to barf on Daddy. Jul 27, 2010
|
| This weekend I’m going to see Insane Clown Posse, or, as Marge insists I call it, a NASCAR race. Jul 23, 2010
|
| It’s funny... We have a ton of photos of Bart, a few photos of Lisa, and none of Maggie. I guess that means Maggie is a vampire. Jul 23, 2010
|
| Here’s a funny joke: “I’d like to buy life insurance.” I don’t get it, but my insurance broker sure laughed when I said it. Jul 21, 2010
|
| I applied for a job in “The Land that Time Forgot” ‘cause I figured no one there would notice when I show up late. Jul 20, 2010
|
| Just lost 20 bucks. Thanks Lenny. That's what I get for believing in you. Jul 20, 2010
|
| Arguing at Moe's. Would Lenny cry if Moe shot him in leg? I say no. Jul 20, 2010
|
| That British Open would be way better if they played it in America. Oh well, that's what we get for losing the Civil War. Jul 19, 2010
|
| ...That joke's kinda sad but also hilarious, so I regret nothing. Jul 17, 2010
|
| I just realized my dad is like a pro golfer: he putters around and counts how many strokes he has... Jul 17, 2010
|
| That St. Andrews isn't such a great golf course. I don't see one windmill or plaster dinosaur. How the hell do you win a free game there... Jul 16, 2010
|
| I'm home watching golf on TV but I don't know if I can keep up this fast-paced lifestyle. Jul 16, 2010
|
| British Open? We should have a US Open! Oh, we do? Good, finally someone is listening to me. Jul 16, 2010
|
| Hey, I’m tweeting from the bathtub. You’ll never guess what floats! Hint: It’s not my cellphone... Jul 15, 2010
|
| For Bastille Day I’m eating baguettes with Patty and Selma, another couple of real baguettes. Jul 15, 2010
|
| July 14 is “Bastille Day”, when the French overthrew their king and gained the freedom to be obnoxious as they liked. Jul 14, 2010
|
| Today is the one day all year when there is no professional sports game scheduled of any kind. Or as Marge calls it: Christmas. Jul 14, 2010
|
| Instead of goofing off & helping Danny Glover win the pennant they could’ve been looking out for Hurricane Katrina or something #allstargame Jul 14, 2010
|
| Remember that movie “Angels in the Outfield?” Angels have no business playing baseball! #allstargame Jul 14, 2010
|
| I soak bread in booze and cook it. That way it's 2 kinds of toast at once! Jul 13, 2010
|
| The World Cup is over for another 4 yrs. That may be enough time to destroy every last soccer ball so I never have to go through this again Jul 11, 2010
|
| I’m not into either team in the World Cup final. One gave us Spanish influenza, and the other gave us the Dutch oven. #worldcup Jul 11, 2010
|
| It’s Spain vs the Netherlands in the World Cup final and the couch versus my netherlands as I sit and watch it. Jul 11, 2010
|
| Okay, this World Cup soccer... which team is Beckham and which team is Pelé? Jul 11, 2010
|
| The vuvuzela is the world’s most annoying horn and Bart won’t stop playing it! I’ll kill the international spirit of peace! #worldcup Jul 11, 2010
|
| Bart asked for a vuvuzela. I don’t know what that is, but Bart said it supports the World Cup’s international spirit of peace, so I said yes Jul 10, 2010
|
| Everyone’s talking World Cup soccer, but there’s gotta be something wrong with a sport that’s loved by 4 billion foreigners and Lisa. Jul 10, 2010
|
| I took the kids to see “Despicable Me,” but the usher kicked me out for drinking beer in the balcony. More like Despicable HIM Jul 10, 2010
|
| I’m gonna become a bank and ask for Federal bailout money. It’s obvious I’m too fat to fail. Jul 09, 2010
|
| I got mercury poisoning at a sushi restaurant. I bit into their thermostat. Jul 09, 2010
|
| Lisa asked why the sky is blue and I told her because it’s the cheapest color. Washington cheapskates! Jul 08, 2010
|
| Cute huh? She just hits the keys - she doesn't know it’s not a real word. Jul 07, 2010
|
| SCHISM Jul 07, 2010
|
| Sorry everyone, Maggie wants to type something... Jul 07, 2010
|
| To everyone who watched the fireworks last night: I'm sorry you had to see me and Bart fight over the last hot dog like that. Jul 05, 2010
|
| The 4th of July means it's time to say hello to summer and goodbye to one or more of my fingers. Jul 05, 2010
|
| It's Independence Day, when I pay tribute to my Uncle Sam. He and Aunt Lyda gave me my first beer at a picnic when I was nine. Jul 04, 2010
|
| I'm watching #Wimbledon. I haven't seen yellow balls whacked so hard since the last time we had dinner with Marge's sisters. Jul 03, 2010
|
| I’m hoping the mind-bending twist of the new M. Night Shyamalan movie is that it turns out to be good. #lastairbender Jul 02, 2010
|
| I'm thinking about suing this computer company. How can they call this a laptop when I don't have a lap? Jul 01, 2010
|
| The best web link of all is the one that points to your imagination. But when I click on mine I get “page not found.” Jun 29, 2010
|
| Happy National Chocolate Pudding Day. 500 million gallons of pudding will be eaten today, all of it by me. Also, I invented this holiday. Jun 28, 2010
|
| I'm drinking out of the toilet. The dog got me into it. Jun 26, 2010
|
| On a bike ride... saddle caught between butt cheeks... painful... but good exercise. Jun 24, 2010
|
| June brides are everywhere! Plus one June gargoyle: Marge’s sister Selma is getting married again. Jun 23, 2010
|
| It’s the start of Wimbledon, the tournament the British invented so they’d have one more sport to lose at. Jun 22, 2010
|
| If all those extra hours of daylight get to you, spend ’em like I do - inside Moe’s bar, where sunlight never penetrates. Jun 22, 2010
|
| There’s one big problem with Father’s Day. The only way to have it is by having kids. Jun 21, 2010
|
| On Father’s Day, I laze around on the sofa all day while my kids bring me beer and snacks. So just like every other day. Jun 20, 2010
|
| The miracle of Father’s Day: Last year’s crappy gift from my kids becomes this year’s crappy gift to my dad. Jun 20, 2010
|
| Hey, get a load of me. I’m strangling Bart with one hand and tweeting with the other. Digital parenting. Jun 19, 2010
|
| “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” But who gives you the sugar and the pitcher? Death and undeath? Jun 17, 2010
|
| June is Adopt-a-Cat month. My special offer: adopt our cat, get one ten-year-old boy for free. Jun 16, 2010
|
| For Flag Day, I’m honoring Old Glory by getting drunk on domestic beer with a US flag cocktail napkin. Jun 14, 2010
|
| June is busting out all over! And a rash is breaking out all over my butt. Related? Jun 11, 2010
|
| I bet now all you people who voted against my plan to make Christmas go year round are feeling kind of stupid, huh? Jun 11, 2010
|
| Why June is good: if you pass out drunk and spend the night on the hammock, frost doesn’t form on you. Jun 10, 2010
|
| Why June is bad: some idiot sent the kids home from school for summer vacation. Jun 10, 2010
|
| It’d be funny if your Mom was April, your friend was June and July meant sleepover. ‘Cause then “April, may June july?” Jun 10, 2010
|
| I love Summer Movie Season. At last I can escape my humdrum life and the humdrum way I usually escape it: beer. Jun 06, 2010
|
| It’s the anniversary of D-Day, when so many brave soldiers died protecting our freedom. Sadly, my father was not one of them. Jun 06, 2010
|
| Ah, Summer movie season is here: four straight months of picking popcorn shells out of my teeth! Jun 05, 2010
|
| Did you see the news today? If so, don't tell me what happened. I’m taping it. Jun 05, 2010
|
| How do we know when spring becomes summer? Oh yeah, the calendar. Jun 03, 2010
|
| I know I’m supposed to remember something today, but what? May 31, 2010
|
| I love the Indy 500. The checkered flag reminds me of a tablecloth at Luigi’s. May 30, 2010
|
| In honor of the Indy 500 today, I will drive my car 500 miles an hour and only turn left. May 30, 2010
|
| Who do soldiers remember on Memorial Day? I bet they just watch baseball. So I do that too to honor them. May 29, 2010
|
| Emily Post says it’s okay to wear white after Mem. Day. I’ll tell the cops that when they arrest me for going outside in my underpants. May 29, 2010
|
| In honor of Memorial Day, I’m making Bart play all war video games. You’re welcome soldiers. May 29, 2010
|
| Big deal: one oil rig blew up in Gulf of Mexico. If you want real environmental catastrophe, give us in the nuke biz a chance. #oilspill May 27, 2010
|
| I’ve been advised by certain people to tell you to ignore that last tweet. May 27, 2010
|
| Oh no, not more #americanidol. Only an idiot would watch a show that’s been on for more than five years. May 27, 2010
|
| Hey Kara Dioguardi, forget the young hottie, try an old flabby. Oh, who am I kidding? I’m married. I do not hook up. #americanidol May 27, 2010
|
| It’s the finale of #americanidol tonight, where we find out the identity of the luckiest person in America: Simon Cowell. May 27, 2010
|
| The Lost finale was pretty good, but it was no “Homeboys In Outer Space.” May 24, 2010
|
| That was it? That’s the big secret? Castaways were in an Italian restaurant the whole time?! Oh, wait, that was an Olive Garden ad. #lost May 24, 2010
|
| Can’t wait for the finale of Lost! First, can anyone fill me in on what the show is about and what happened in all the other episodes? May 22, 2010
|
| It’s only May, but I’m already sneaking into my neighbors’ swimming pools at a mid-July level. May 21, 2010
|
| If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims. Lisa assures me that is hilarious but I don’t get it. May 20, 2010
|
| I hate May. It thinks it’s so cool because it doesn’t get abbreviated. I can’t wait until Jun. May 20, 2010
|
| It’s time for the TV season finales! I can’t sleep nights wondering how The Marriage Ref is going to end. May 18, 2010
|
| My kids wanted to see Furry Vengeance. So I showed them the inside of my nose and ears. May 18, 2010
|
| I think Ron Artest is losing his game. He hasn’t punched one fan yet. I bet I could get him out of that slump May 15, 2010
|
| Wait a sec, there’s no lakes in Los Angeles. Or jazz in Utah. Lucky thing there’s magic in Orlando, or I’d be suspicious. May 14, 2010
|
| Do you ever think about which president would have been the best hockey referee? I don’t. May 14, 2010
|
| I wish Springfield had an NHL team. Hockey is the only pro sport where I haven’t been thrown out of a stadium for being drunk. May 13, 2010
|
| International Nurses Day today. I want to say thanks for pumping my stomach so often and sorry about your shoes May 12, 2010
|
| I’m all for Wall Street reform. The first one was too long and the new one has Shia LeBeouf in it. Something must be done! May 12, 2010
|
| I love hockey. There’s ice and fighting. Just like Moe’s, but he doesn’t have ice. May 12, 2010
|
| I hope a Canadian team wins the Stanley Cup - what else do those poor people have? Same reason I’m rooting for the Cavs. May 12, 2010
|
| Cheers to Paul Stanley. Not only was he a great member if KISS, but he gave hockey their cup too! May 12, 2010
|
| In Detroit hockey tradition, I threw an octopus. The cops said no one does that at movies in Springfield. Hockey is confusing. May 11, 2010
|
| Mother's Day's a scam. How come there's no Father's Day? I plan to write a letter to the President on June 21st. May 10, 2010
|
| Take it from me, a tweet isn’t a good Mother’s Day gift. It’s hard to wrap and also it’s not the apron Marge wanted . May 09, 2010
|
| Happy to see 88 year-old Betty White host SNL, since she was bumped from it when she was a teen. May 09, 2010
|
| Turns out I wasn’t in the Iron Man line after all. Well, at least now I know how to train a dragon. May 08, 2010
|
| The box office is open! Iron Man here I come! May 08, 2010
|
| They’re handing out wrisTBTands! Oh, it’s just some stupid Stop Cancer thing. May 08, 2010
|
| I’m back from the bathroom. Did I miss anything? May 08, 2010
|
| I have to sneak out of the line for a bathroom break, can anyone hold my place? May 08, 2010
|
| Hey, some guy in line is dressed just like Iron Man! Wait, that’s a soda machine. May 08, 2010
|
| I’m so glad Robert Downey, Jr. got sober. If he did Iron Man on drugs he’d be so confused. May 08, 2010
|
| I’m in a huge line to see Iron Man. Sitting on the sidewalk for four hours–my butt is the REAL Iron Man. & Tony Stark. Sorry: Spoiler Alert. May 07, 2010
|
| I’ve never missed a slam dunk except once when the donut was bigger than the mug of hot chocolate. #nba May 06, 2010
|
| I love mayo so much, I’d even eat it on the cuarto or seis. May 06, 2010
|
| I love mayo but unless “cinco” means some sort of food, I’ll just eat mine right from the jar, thank you. May 06, 2010
|
| @AmericanIdol is down to five contestants now. In a surprise move, I’m voting for the fat, bald guy. May 06, 2010
|
| The May TV sweeps are here and that means my months of waiting to find out what common household items can kill me are over! May 05, 2010
|
| I find this Larry King scandal shocking. I thought he died years ago. May 04, 2010
|
| We went to see “Kick Ass” but it was sold out, so our “Back-up Plan” was to go home and see nothing. May 04, 2010
|
| That oil spill in the Gulf is terrible. Should’ve used nuclear power, where the only leaks are invisible and therefore can’t hurt you. May 02, 2010
|
| It’s Kentucky Derby day! The winning horse gets to be on TV, the loser on the menu at Krustyburger. May 02, 2010
|
| Horse races - all talk & two minutes of action, just like a honeymoon. Right, fellas? (I may need to sleep on your couch.) May 01, 2010
|
| e.e. cummings wrote that Spring is when the world is “mud-luscious” and “puddle-wonderful.” I wish I had what he was drinking. May 01, 2010
|
| If you can read this, I need help. I've forgotten how to log on to Twitter. Apr 30, 2010
|
| I forgive Mark McGwire. As a beer drinker, it’d be wrong of me to judge a man for putting something into his body that made him awesome. Apr 30, 2010
|
| I’ll never get over my mom tossing out all my baseball cards as a kid. They were valuable, unlike Bart’s cards that I threw out today. Apr 25, 2010
|
| They say the days are starting to get longer. That goes double for when my wife’s sisters come over. Apr 24, 2010
|
| They say April showers bring May flowers but I wouldn’t know, since I haven’t showered in three years. Apr 23, 2010
|
| Ah, Spring, when flowers bloom, young mens’ thoughts turn to love, and I stop shoveling my snow into Flanders driveway. Apr 23, 2010
|
| Well, The Masters is over and I can’t believe I wasted 4 days watching guys hit balls with sticks. I could’ve been watching baseball! Apr 12, 2010
|
| I was at the Masters once but they chased me off because everywhere I stepped I added new holes to the greens. I’m fat alright. Apr 11, 2010
|
| My Masters “Amen Corner” is where I try to fit my belt around my belly. A lot of belt’s dreams have died there. Apr 10, 2010
|
| I feel sorry for the guys at the Masters with sand wedges. I‘ve been to the beach and gotten sand wedged up in there too. Apr 09, 2010
|
| The Masters: the jackets are green, the course is green, and everyone else is white, white, white. Apr 08, 2010
|
| Ugh, they call the Masters “golf”? Where’s the windmills and castles? Apr 07, 2010
|
| Professional golf: America’s biggest snoozefest except for any speech by Joe Biden. Apr 07, 2010
|
| They should make the Masters more challenging by shooting at the golfers with a pizza cannon. Then they should send me that cannon. Apr 06, 2010
|
| If anyone at the Masters needs a caddy who can’t carry clubs more than fifty feet but who WILL bring schnapps shooters, call me. Apr 06, 2010
|
| Good thing Tiger’s not skipping the Masters since they couldn’t replace him with one of the many, many other black golfers on the Tour. Apr 06, 2010
|
| Homer’s fearless pennant race prediction: A team full of rich guys will win it all! And another team full of rich guys is going to lose! Apr 06, 2010
|
| They used to say rooting for the Yankees is like rooting for U.S. Steel. Now, rooting for U.S. Steel is like rooting for the Royals. Apr 05, 2010
|
| I say they earn every cent. Name me one teacher who’s had to listen to Chris Berman yammer on. Apr 05, 2010
|
| People complain that baseball players make so much and teachers make so little…. Apr 05, 2010
|
| So, we give each other Christmas presents, how about we give each other Easter presents? You start. Apr 04, 2010
|
| Marge owns the second tallest Easter bonnet in the world to fit on her hair. In case you’re interested, the tallest is in Abu Dhabi. Apr 04, 2010
|
| Help! Children are holding me down and stealing my eggs! Oh, I’m so slow, weak and pathetic. Apr 04, 2010
|
| I’m at an Easter egg hunt, and let me tell you, it’s easy pickings. These kids I’m competing against are slow, weak and pathetic. Apr 04, 2010
|
| We’re doing an Easter egg hunt for the kids, and I’ve hidden eggs where they’ll never find them: my fat folds. Apr 04, 2010
|
| If you’ve been good, the Easter bunny brings you eggs, but if you’ve been bad, he poops rabbit poops in your underwear drawer. Apr 03, 2010
|
| Hey, everyone: if you’re not a Christian, don’t celebrate Easter. More stuff for me. Apr 02, 2010
|
| On Easter, Christians honor the only zombie who rose from the dead and DIDN’T eat our brains. Apr 02, 2010
|
| Hey, it’s the “Easter Parade”... of chocolate eggs headed into my mouth. Apr 02, 2010
|
| I wish I was 7 feet tall like those NCAA players. No cookie jar would be safe, no matter high the shelf. Apr 01, 2010
|
| This machine will explode in 5…4…3...2...1… April Fools! Unless it really did blow up, then you’re welcome for the warning. Apr 01, 2010
|
| I'm pulling the perfect April Fool’s joke - not going into work. The years of practicing are really paying off. Apr 01, 2010
|
| Hey everyone, I’m dead and writing this as a ghost. Okay, not really – April Fools. Apr 01, 2010
|
| On April Fools Day I’m gonna tell Mr. Burns I didn’t come into work because I thought work was an April Fools prank. Apr 01, 2010
|
| If March comes in like a lamb and goes out like a lion, I’d rather be February than April. Lions are scary. Mar 31, 2010
|
| Matzoh - the only thing that can make communion wafers taste like delicious potato chips. Mar 30, 2010
|
| I like Passover but you gotta run the ball sometimes to keep the defense honest. Mar 30, 2010
|
| Woo hoo, here comes Easter! The time for partying and feasting on roast lamb. In your face, Lent! Mar 30, 2010
|
| Did you know you can't drink beer on Passover? And people ask me why I'm not Jewish. Mar 30, 2010
|
| I bet Moe the Final 4 will be Butler, Duke, West Virginia and Michigan State and for some reason he made a sneaky chuckle when he took my $. Mar 30, 2010
|
| Mmmmm... arch. Mar 29, 2010
|
| The weather’s getting nicer. Is it spring, or is the sun just about to ask us for a favor? Mar 29, 2010
|
| I love Spring Training! It’s the one time of the year that professional athletes are as fat and out of shape as I am. Mar 25, 2010
|
| My “Sweet Sixteen” is a dozen doughnuts on the way to work plus the four I steal from Lenny and Carl. Mar 25, 2010
|
| Ah, it’s Spring. Where the air is filled with the smell of fresh flowers, newly-cut grass, and urine spiked with human growth hormone. Mar 21, 2010
|
| I just got arrested for running around naked at baseball spring training. What part of “Exhibition Game” don’t those cops get? Mar 21, 2010
|
| It’s Spring, when a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of love. And a fat man’s fancy turns to thoughts of barbecue. Mar 20, 2010
|
| Ah, Spring. At last, the snow will melt, and I’ll find where I dropped my car keys. Mar 20, 2010
|
| My “Big Dance” is when a wave motion gets started in my ass. It doesn’t stop wobbling for weeks. Mar 20, 2010
|
| Who cares when spring is – just tell me when it’s the weekend. Mar 20, 2010
|
| St. Patrick’s Day is a day to remember great Irish heroes, like Joe Montana, Nick Buoniconti, and Raghib Ismail. Mar 18, 2010
|
| I say gays should be allowed to march in the St. Patrick’s Day parade. They should have the right to get just as sick-drunk as the rest... Mar 17, 2010
|
| Punch me, I’m Irish! Mar 17, 2010
|
| Today we honor St. Patrick, the patron saint of puking and peeing. Mar 17, 2010
|
| On St. Patrick’s Day, I give shamrocks to my real friends and real rocks to my sham friends. Mar 17, 2010
|
| In the New Orleans St. Patrick’s Day Parade, they toss cabbages from floats. That city has drunken stupidity covered 24/7. Mar 16, 2010
|
| For St. Patrick’s Day, Chicago turns its river green. Big deal. I’ve been doing that to my teeth since high school! Mar 16, 2010
|
| Man, I really rocked the augers at my Ides of March Party. How ‘bout you dudes? Toga! Toga! Toga! Mar 16, 2010
|
| May your omens be good on Ides of March Day. Mar 15, 2010
|
| Who are you getting dressed up as for Ides of March Day? I’m going as Cassius, the sneaky conspirator. Awesome! Mar 15, 2010
|
| March 15 is my favorite holiday: The Ides of March Day. The spooky day of omens, foretelling, and imperial Roman assassinations! Mar 15, 2010
|
| Hey, it’s the Ides of March. Marge had a dream I would be assassinated, by beer and Ides of March cake. Mar 15, 2010
|
| What's wrong fellas? Seems like I'm the only one out here celebrating Valentine’s Day. What happened to romance? Mar 14, 2010
|
| If I have to lose an hour of sleep, It’s coming out of the 6 hrs I sleep at work. Mar 14, 2010
|
| Marge says I have to take it easy this St. Patrick’s Day. So I won’t start drinking until breakfast-time… in Dublin. Mar 12, 2010
|
| Success! I'm now in Green Bay, where everyone calls me "slim." @ThatKevinSmith Mar 11, 2010
|
| Moving me. We lifted off. Thanks Army – your tax dollars at work. @ThatKevinSmith Mar 10, 2010
|
| Soldiers are here. They've called this mission "war on gravity" @ThatKevinSmith Mar 10, 2010
|
| They now say moving me calls for a military operation. @ThatKevinSmith Mar 10, 2010
|
| Tried other plane. Pilot said he's never had a cargo plane not be able to lift off before @ThatKevinSmith Mar 10, 2010
|
| I'm being kicked off a plane for being too fat. They said I have to take another plane @ThatKevinSmith Mar 10, 2010
|
| What? It’s over? Did “Paul Blart, Mall Cop” win? Mar 08, 2010
|
| Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Mar 08, 2010
|
| Hey, Jeff Bridges! You were great in “Crazy Heart.” You made it a year ago. Shave the beard! #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Two presenters are bantering spontaneously. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| I think I saw Meryl Streep stick a pin in a Sandra Bullock voodoo doll. C’mon Meryl -- you’re better than that! I’m not. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Some guy I never heard of gave an award to some other guy I never heard of. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Someone who just lost acted like they were happy for the person who won. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Right now the stars in heaven are betting on who gets the most applause during the dead guy clip reel. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Boy, I sure wish I had some “play-off music” for when Marge starts telling me to take out the garbage. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Here we go! Only nine more hours and we’re done. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| My award for worst-dressed -- me! #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| I just saw a star on the red carpet who I thought was dead. I still think he’s dead. #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Here’s my red carpet question for Joan Rivers: “What are you wearing… on your face!” High five! Come on, don’t leave me hangin’! #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Watching the Red Carpet show. Aaughh, it’s Cujo! No, wait – that’s Cojo. Aauugh, it’s Cojo! #oscars Mar 08, 2010
|
| Here’s my #Oscars drinking game: Chug a beer whenever somebody undeserving wins. I should be in a coma by 8:30. Mar 07, 2010
|
| Congratulations to all the #Oscar nominees! It’s an honor just to be tweeted about by me. Mar 07, 2010
|
| How could the Academy overlook “Cloudy With a Chance of MeaTBTalls”? I thought the Oscars rewarded films about hope. #oscars Mar 07, 2010
|
| It’s Oscar’s night to shine! And Grammy’s night to drunk-dial some old boyfriends. Mar 07, 2010
|
| I read that #Oscar night is the Super Bowl for women. Then which channel do I turn on to see the Lingerie Oscars? Mar 07, 2010
|
| Idea for a new #Oscar category: Best Performance By A Sweet Old Lady Saying “Fo’ Shizzle.” Mar 07, 2010
|
| Idea for a new #Oscar category: Best Performance By A Guy Who Runs Into A Glass Door Then Slides Down It With His Face Smooshed. Mar 07, 2010
|
| Biggest #Oscar snub: TV shows. Mar 06, 2010
|
| Oscar night will be so anti-climactic! I mean, it’s a forgone conclusion that “Miracle Fish” is gonna win Best Live Action Short. #oscars Mar 06, 2010
|
| Hey Oscar! Why did you forget “G.I. Joe?” Come on, give it up for the guy! He has no penis, yet he still took down COBRA! #oscars Mar 06, 2010
|
| I wish the technology in “Avatar” was real. That way, I could make a ten-foot blue version of myself sit through that stupid movie. #oscars Mar 06, 2010
|
| Last night I watched Inglourious Basterds. Then I turned off Fox News and went to the movies. #oscars Mar 06, 2010
|
| She felt bad about fooling me, so she took me to a real meat locker. Now that’s entertainment! Mar 05, 2010
|
| I went with Marge to see “The Hurt Locker”, because she told me it was called “The Meat Locker”. Mar 05, 2010
|
| @Veronikcs I got your tweet. I should warn you that by sending me something, the FBI is gonna start a file on you. Feb 23, 2010
|
| @admford Yeah! Right! I agree with whatever you said but never got around to read. Feb 23, 2010
|
| Boy, these ski patrol guys are sure nice. It was almost worth breaking my leg to meet them. #olympics Feb 21, 2010
|
| Quick question: I'm on a ski hill. "Black Diamond" means safe for beginner, right? And "Double Black Diamond" means really safe. #olympics Feb 21, 2010
|
| Sorry, sorry, Lisa. No, I love watching you practice figure skating. Feb 19, 2010
|
| Slogan for figure skating: “Because rhythmic gymnastics wasn’t lame enough.” #olympics Feb 19, 2010
|
| On Valentines Day I give Marge a box of chocolates and she gives me ten pounds of corn fritters. #valentinesday Feb 14, 2010
|
| Lenny says they’re on duty, just working undercover as refs in case one of the thieves is playing in the game. #superbowl Feb 08, 2010
|
| ...relaxing before they bust up a ring of stolen car thieves. #superbowl Feb 08, 2010
|
| Do you ever wonder what fooTBTall players are talking about in the huddle? I don’t. I leave that to the professionals. #superbowl Feb 08, 2010
|
| Super Bowl betting pool: how many times I barf from eating too many nachos. Feb 07, 2010
|
| Only two months until baseball Opening Day. And only 2 years, 10 months, and 16 days until the world is destroyed by the Mayan calendar. Feb 06, 2010
|
| No, it’s fine. I just forgot the entire year between last Groundhog Day and today. Feb 02, 2010
|
| It’s Groundhog Day again?! But it was Groundhog Day yesterday. Oh my God, I’m repeating the same day over and over! Feb 02, 2010
|
| Buddy Holly & Lynyrd Skynyrd never won a Grammy, but Weird Al has three. The lesson? Good things come to those who fly commercial. #grammys Feb 01, 2010
|
| Wait, they have Latin #Grammys? What's next, the Sanskrit Oscars? Lisa wrote that one -- she says you'll get it. Feb 01, 2010
|
| I like the "Death Package" reel at the #Grammys. As a Grammy winner, I can't wait till the year I'm in it. That'll be fun to watch! Feb 01, 2010
|
| It's Grammy's night to shine! And Oscar, Emmy and Tony's night to stay home in their underwear and drink. #grammys Feb 01, 2010
|
| Everyone tells me The Black Eyed Peas are great. But if I listened to them I'd have to give up my lifelong boycott of vegetables. #grammys Feb 01, 2010
|
| Here’s a coincidence: “Lady Gaga” is my cute nickname for Marge’s private parts & her nickname for mine is “The Dave Matthews Band” #grammys Feb 01, 2010
|
| Hey, Grammy Awards! Your statue is out of date. A gramophone? Uh, there’s this thing now called 8 tracks – maybe you’ve heard of it. Feb 01, 2010
|
| If anything, we should have exactly the same amount of #Grammys: 35. Feb 01, 2010
|
| You know the Grammy Awards are messed up when you realize that I have more #Grammys than The Beatles. Feb 01, 2010
|
| As a Grammy winner myself, my advice to this year’s winners is, don’t use the award to eat chili out of. Feb 01, 2010
|
| Quick question: if your car hits ice and you're spinning off the bridge, do you turn into the skid? I need to know fast. Jan 29, 2010
|
| Isn’t it amazing how every snowflake is different? Sounds like someone up there is having quality control problems. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: It's finally over & @BarackObama looks like I do after I leave work @ noon to go to Moe's Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: Lisa tells me Sen. Mitch McConnell's chin always look like that. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: Sen. Mitch McConnell just ate his own chin out of boredom. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: @BarackObama pointed to somebody in the seats. Some guy or something. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: Marge asked me to take out the trash. What did I miss? Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: He did and he's blaming it on Pelosi. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: I think Biden just farted. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: @BarackObama is saying something. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: Everybody is clapping. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Homer Simpson State Of The Union LiveTweet Update: Some guy just announced the President. Jan 28, 2010
|
| Hey, I'm going to LiveTweet the State Of The Union Address. Here we go! Jan 28, 2010
|
| I wonder what Dick Cheney will think of Obama's speech tonight. We'll find out when Cheney runs on up and does a Kanye on him. Jan 28, 2010
|
| I have a great State Of The Union Speech drinking game. I chug beer whenever the President says anything. Jan 28, 2010
|
| The union we’re talking about is the Major League Baseball Players Association, right? Jan 28, 2010
|
| I don’t need to hear some speech to know what the state of the union is. It rocks! Jan 28, 2010
|
| I say Glenn Beck will cry, but he's gonna do it to distract people from noticing he just pooped his pants. Jan 27, 2010
|
| Lenny says Glenn Beck will cry within five minutes of the speech ending. Jan 27, 2010
|
| Lenny and I have a bet about the State of The Union speech. Jan 27, 2010
|
| I'll be watching @BarackObama's speech very closely tonight. I sent him some great Tiger Woods jokes and if he's smart he'll use them all. Jan 27, 2010
|
| If you're at the bottom of this toboggan hill, fair warning: fat man coming down out of control. Jan 27, 2010
|
| Winter drink idea: hot chocolate with tiny marshmallows in a mug made of a giant marshmallow. Jan 26, 2010
|
| What if we’re living inside some giant alien’s snowglobe? But the alien’s really hot, like Angelina Jolie. That would be okay. Jan 25, 2010
|
| You know how it's fun to catch snow flakes on your tongue? Don't do that with giant icicles. Jan 21, 2010
|
| Now it’s too hot and too cold. But I’m too tired to move. Marge! Jan 21, 2010
|
| Now it’s too hot. I’m pouring ice cubes down my back. Jan 21, 2010
|
| Now it’s too cold. I’m gonna blow a hair dryer on myself. Jan 21, 2010
|
| Now it’s too hot. I’m opening a window. Jan 21, 2010
|
| It’s so cold, I’m turning up the heat. Jan 21, 2010
|
| Here's a question: if you borrow a snowblower but break it by running over a rock, how deep should you bury it so Flanders can't find it? Jan 20, 2010
|
| This winter I plan to hibernate. I've stored a ton of fat, I can sleep for months at time, and I've built a den under the sofa. Jan 20, 2010
|
| I love when the ground and roads and everything are covered in snow. That way, when you park on your lawn it doesn’t look as obvious. Jan 12, 2010
|
| This is a great time of year for the sports fan – smack dab in the middle of the NBA season! Jan 11, 2010
|
| I hope that never happens. Jan 10, 2010
|
| Sitting at Moe’s watching fooTBTall. I realized that if all the players were chess pieces and the ball was a famous sculpture, I’d... Jan 10, 2010
|
| Maybe one day, one of them will even refuse me as a customer for my poor credit! Jan 09, 2010
|
| I love watching fooTBTall and imagining all the car dealerships the players are going to open when they retire. Jan 09, 2010
|
| I hope a pro fooTBTall team goes 16 and 0 this year. Especially if it’s one of the teams that have already lost a bunch of games. Jan 09, 2010
|
| Got the credit card bills from Christmas. I just had my first coronary event of the new year! Jan 09, 2010
|
| I’m snowmobiling and tweeting while steering with my knees. Dodge that tree left, dodge that tree right, dodge that tr Jan 08, 2010
|
| The kids are home from school all day because of snow. Translation: the boss is making me work late tonight. Jan 07, 2010
|
| Putting snow tires on my rolling beer keg. I’ll get to the car later. If that spins into a snow bank, the kids can push. Jan 06, 2010
|
| Watching the Orange Bowl. It hasn't moved in a while and the oranges are no longer yelling at me. I think my hangover is finally ending. Jan 06, 2010
|
| Did you know January is named after Jan from the Brady Brunch? Not sure which Feb that February is named after. Jan 04, 2010
|
| Fire scare Homer! Jan 01, 2010
|
| Homer go poop. Jan 01, 2010
|
| Pizza good! Jan 01, 2010
|
| For my New Year's resolution, I promise to stop writing such dumb tweets. Jan 01, 2010
|
| Why did I let Bart talk me into buying him a “Hangover Trumpet?” It’s not helping my hangover at all. Jan 01, 2010
|
| If you had as much fun as I did on New Years Eve, I bet you’re also still in bed with ten pillows over your head. Jan 01, 2010
|
| Woo hoo, it's New Years Eve -- or as I call it, "Get Drunk and Embarrass Your Wife Eve". Jan 01, 2010
|
| Practice New Years Eve countdown: "Ten, nine, eight, four, seven, nine, whatever..." What? That's how I count when I'm wasted. Dec 31, 2009
|
| It's almost time for New Year's Rockin' Eve, where I begin the new year by watching the music acts and feeling incredibly old and depressed. Dec 31, 2009
|
| Everyone talks about the quarterback at Notre Dame, but never the hunchback. That’s a joke I made up. Try telling it and I’ll sue you. Dec 29, 2009
|
| There’s so many different college bowl games, it’s hard to know which team I don’t know anything about to root for. Dec 29, 2009
|
| Seems like if their opponents figure that out, there goes the element of surprise about who’s playing quarterback. Dec 28, 2009
|
| You know how college quarterbacks have the most helmet stickers? Dec 28, 2009
|
| Bowl game I’d like to see: tapioca versus pudding. Dec 26, 2009
|
| College fooTBTall is the best - it's a chance to get an early look at all the superstars and has-beens of tomorrow. Dec 26, 2009
|
| I plan on recycling our Christmas tree this year... by keeping it up until next year. Dec 26, 2009
|
| Does anyone have an incredibly thoughtful and personal gift they could lend to a man who forgot to buy his wife a Christmas present? Dec 25, 2009
|
| ...he just says algae comes in all different colors. Dec 25, 2009
|
| I know it’s Christmastime when Moe serves his famous red and green beer. When I compliment him on it, he’s modest – Dec 25, 2009
|
| 'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house, you could hear me yelling as I tried to assemble Bart's stupid new dirt bike. Dec 25, 2009
|
| I love playing videogames with Bart - it still counts as time spent together but I don't have to talk to him. Now that's parenting! Dec 24, 2009
|
| What’s gone wrong with this country? Dec 24, 2009
|
| I found a baby abandoned outside the other day. But when I took it to the police they arrested me for vandalizing a nativity scene. Dec 24, 2009
|
| I learned a great lesson today. If you let Christmas carolers into your house, double check that they didn’t drive there in a “REPO” van. Dec 24, 2009
|
| I get the next few days off for Christmas. It’s not as much fun having time off when you’re not even supposed to be at work. Dec 23, 2009
|
| Kind of selfish of him if you ask me. Dec 23, 2009
|
| We were all looking forward to calling him “Rudolph” at Christmas-time, but then he went sober and stopped coming in. Dec 23, 2009
|
| There’s a horrible alcoholic at Moe’s who has a bright red nose. Dec 23, 2009
|
| On Christmas, we love to watch that show where that big log just burns all night -- otherwise known as "The Glenn Beck Program." Dec 23, 2009
|
| I’m turning him in to the FBI - right after he brings me my massage chair. Dec 22, 2009
|
| This Santa Claus guy also goes by “Kris Kringle” and has no known address. Sounds suspicious. Dec 22, 2009
|
| Anybody need some myrrh? I’m regifting. Keeping the frankincense, though. That stuff rocks. Dec 22, 2009
|
| So I got a job as a department store Santa and now I can enjoy my time at home, knowing I’m not showing up for that. Dec 22, 2009
|
| If this goes well, maybe I’ll write a song about love – another unexplored area. Dec 22, 2009
|
| I got a great idea. I’m gonna write a song about Christmas. It’ll be huge and no one’s ever done it before. Dec 22, 2009
|
| Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? No I'm not, that's why I hit your dumb sleigh with my car. Dec 22, 2009
|
| December 21 is the shortest day of the year, but Patty and Selma are visiting and I’ve never seen a day last longer. Dec 21, 2009
|
| I just realized, you can also drink beer on Christmas. I love Christmas! Dec 21, 2009
|
| Christmas comes but once a year, but it's okay because every other day you can drink beer. Dec 21, 2009
|
| My favorite Christmas Carol is Carol Channing. We should see more of her. Dec 18, 2009
|
| Latkes are just like donuts but with no hole and different ingredients and a different shape Dec 18, 2009
|
| Holiday treat idea: lardnog. Dec 18, 2009
|
| Someone told Bart! I'm a human ice-ball target! Dec 17, 2009
|
| I'm hanging upside down off the roof in a tangle of holiday lights. Could someone tell Marge? But do not tell Bart. Dec 17, 2009
|
| I hate how on Chanukah people make potato pancakes. Those pancakes could be used for vodka or even potato beer! Dec 16, 2009
|
| Congrats to "Precious" on its Golden Globe nomination! I haven't seen it yet, but is it just about Gollum, or is Frodo in it too? Dec 15, 2009
|
| I'll be there because I plan on passing out on the TV room floor the night before. Dec 15, 2009
|
| I don't know about you, but I'm gonna be in front of my TV at dawn for the Golden Globe nominations. Dec 15, 2009
|
| Does anyone know where I can buy a Kwanzaa bush? Otherwise it's coming out of Flanders' front yard. Dec 14, 2009
|
| We used Barney as a dreidel for a while, spinning him around and betting on how he’d land. We stopped when he threw up on all our shoes. Dec 14, 2009
|
| Why can’t it be: if you stand under mistletoe, someone has to give you a hamburger? Dec 14, 2009
|
| Just heard a song called “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”. I'm outraged. Santa comes near Marge, he's a fat jolly dead elf. Dec 13, 2009
|
| I told Maggie it’s easy to tell the real Santa from all those fake ones collecting for charity on the street. Dec 13, 2009
|
| Homer the Red-Nosed Rummy, had a very shiny nose, 'cause instead of Christmas shopping, he got really drunk at Moe's. Dec 13, 2009
|
| Marge wanted a candlelight dinner so I took her to Krusty’s for a Chanukah meal. Yeah, she didn’t think that was funny either. Dec 13, 2009
|
| That miracle made the Chanukah miracle come to life, except Moe’s is better ‘cause it involves beer. Good silver medal though, Chanukah. Dec 12, 2009
|
| One time at Moe’s, there was only enough left in the keg for 1 beer, but that keg ended up having enough for 8 beers Dec 12, 2009
|
| Santa in that show is a bigger jerk than Mr. Burns! Watch it again and you'll agree. Dec 12, 2009
|
| We just watched "Rudolph" and I realized something... Dec 12, 2009
|
| Warning: do not buy a tree from Moe's Discount Tree Stand unless you like a living room full of pine bark beetles. Dec 12, 2009
|
| Okay, I heard Linus's speech, but I still say Charlie Brown's tree sucks and he ruined Christmas. Dec 11, 2009
|
| Feeling hungry. Lisa’s gingerbread house is about to go into foreclosure. Dec 11, 2009
|
| My stupid ugly boss would kill me otherwise. Dec 05, 2009
|
| God, I hate my boss so much! Oops, better not post that. Thank God I know how to stop sending a tweet... Dec 05, 2009
|
| I just read a great Tweet by @jeremypiven Dec 05, 2009
|
| We’re going to put on our red sweaters and Santa hats, then run through 100 different “Photo-Enforced” red lights. Take that, Hallmark! Nov 30, 2009
|
| I’ve figured out a great way to get all our Christmas cards for free. Nov 30, 2009
|
| Big shopping day today. Marge, if you're reading this, we need beer and diapers. If you can’t carry everything, forget the diapers. Nov 28, 2009
|
| Big shopping day today. If you’re buying me clothes as a Christmas gift, remember there are eight “X”s before the L – XXXXXXXXL Nov 27, 2009
|
| Today is “Black Friday”, biggest shopping day of the year. I call it “Blecch Friday” because turkey doesn’t agree with me. Nov 27, 2009
|
| I love #Thanksgiving. It’s like the calendar is giving me one month to convince that sucker Santa that I’ve been a good boy. Nov 26, 2009
|
| Woo Hoo! #Thanksgiving. One of the two holidays the government says Mr. Burns has to give us off. Nov 26, 2009
|
| The only bad part of Thanksgiving is that a lot of turkeys and the Detroit Lions get killed. That’s a joke you can tell people. I did! Nov 26, 2009
|
| I wanted to enjoy Thanksgiving but the Canadians have their Thanksgiving in October and they took all the thanks. Stupid frozen jerks. Nov 25, 2009
|
| We celebrate Thanksgiving in November but forget it’s also Aviation History Month. Think how you'd feel if you were that. Bad, I bet. Nov 20, 2009
|
| If prisoners use cigarettes as money to buy things in jail, what do they use to buy cigarettes? Think about it. I know I won't. Nov 20, 2009
|
| Had a great idea for a movie. A comedy with some romantic stuff also. Nov 19, 2009
|
| I made one of those trace-your-hand turkeys. It tasted horrible. Nov 16, 2009
|
| I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work. Nov 13, 2009
|
| I want to thank our veterans for being brave. Also, since we’re talking, can I have some of your medals? You have lots and I have none. Nov 13, 2009
|
| I hate that show “The Office”. All they do is look at the camera. Uh, professionalism, anyone? Nov 13, 2009
|
| Just Helping Lisa with her homework. Now I remember why I never did homework. Nov 13, 2009
|
| I just turned on that show “So you think you can dance?” My answer is “No, I don’t”. Nov 11, 2009
|
| Trying to help Lisa with her math homework. Did you know that multiplication and division are enemies? Nov 10, 2009
|
| LOL OMG ROTFL :) :( WTF YYSW... Sorry, I had a mini stroke while I was writing “hello.” Nov 09, 2009
|
| Elvis Costello said “What’s so funny about peace, love and understanding?” To that list I’d add Dane Cook and “The Family Circus.” Nov 08, 2009
|
| I’m using that steroid cream Barry Bonds used. Wait, instead of Barry Bonds it was my father and instead of steroids, it was hemorrhoids. Nov 07, 2009
|
| Taking care of Maggie. My shift ends when one of us has to go to the bathroom. Nov 05, 2009
|
| I’m drunk. No, wait I’m trying to get drunk. Big difference. Nov 05, 2009
|
| Here’s a great baseball drinking game. Every pitch, drink a beer. When you wake in the hospital, the nurses will tell you who won. Nov 05, 2009
|
| If I see another baseball player adjust his crotch on national TV, I’ll win Moe’s “Great American Crotch Grabbing Sweepstakes.” Nov 05, 2009
|
| Fall is here and it’s once again time to watch Regis Philbin’s hair change colors. Nov 04, 2009
|
| I think if A-Rod wants to earn all that money, he should at least have the decency to go by his full name: Alex Rod. Nov 03, 2009
|
| If you’re wondering what happened to that carved pumpkin you put out by your door... I ate it. Nov 03, 2009
|
| I love “The Big Bang Theory”. I can laugh at nerds from my couch instead of going all the way to the Apple Store. Nov 03, 2009
|
| You wanna know my favorite thing about the World Series? That American teams usually win it. Up yours, World. USA! USA! Nov 03, 2009
|
| You know what makes baseball less boring? FooTBTall on the other channels. Nov 03, 2009
|
| I’ve never seen such amazing fall colors -- I’m in my bathroom taking some pills Otto sold me. Oct 28, 2009
|
| I miss Forrest Tucker. I really do. Sorry to bring you down, but I have to express my feelings. Oct 26, 2009
|
| ...then John and Holly McClane’s marriage might never have been saved that magical Christmas Eve. Love is a glorious thing. Oct 24, 2009
|
| It just hit me. If Mr. Takagi had just given Hans Gruber the pass codes to the Nakatomi Plaza vault... Oct 24, 2009
|
| We bought the Beatles version of Rock Band. It was fun for the whole family until they Pete-Bested me and replaced me with the dog. Oct 24, 2009
|
| I love fall -- it won’t be long before I can drink three beers, go outside and write my name in the snow with nature’s fountain pen. Oct 22, 2009
|
| @emma_729 ...I know you didn’t ask about a job but it just feels really good to reject someone. Oct 19, 2009
|
| @emma_729 I got your response and unfortunately, I’m not hiring at this time. Oct 19, 2009
|
| I just realized something. The NBA is just a rip-off of the WNBA! I’ve never been so mad. Oct 19, 2009
|
| Last night I saw a “Barenaked Ladies” concert. Total ripoff -- it was just fat ugly women on stage Oct 18, 2009
|
| Then spoil it by telling them what’s going to happen before it happens. Oct 17, 2009
|
| Here’s a fun thing to try. Record the fooTBTall game this Sunday, then have your friends over to watch it with you. Oct 17, 2009
|
| There’s nothing more fun on a fall day than raking a big pile of leaves to hide the dog poop you don’t want to pick up. Oct 17, 2009
|
| Well, it’s turning cold. Time to put the dog in the closet for his winter hibernation... Stop fighting, boy... in... you... go... Oct 17, 2009
|
| I love Fall. It’s the time of year when schools take over the job of acting like someone cares about your children. Oct 13, 2009
|
| Hello, Rock-tober! I thought SmoothJazz-tember would never end. Oct 13, 2009
|
| Memo to Bruce Springsteen: you rock Oct 13, 2009
|
| Well, the maintenance crew found me this morning. So who wants to go again?! Oct 12, 2009
|
| So cold. So cold. Corn Maze God, I beg you, have mercy. Oct 12, 2009
|
| I’ve been following your directions for 5 hours and I’m still trapped here. Somebody please help me! Oct 11, 2009
|
| Okay, half said go left, half said go right. So, uh, I’ll guess right. But keep sending directions! Oct 11, 2009
|
| Okay, I’m in the maze at a junction. Everyboy tweet me, should I go left or right? Oct 11, 2009
|
| Hey everyone! I’m going to do a corn maze, and you can all help! What fun! Oct 11, 2009
|
| When leaves fall off the trees is that nature or suicide? Whatever, let science nerds figure it out. Oct 11, 2009
|
| Hey, President Obama: Why should I let the government have a Public Option for healthcare if they won’t let me have one for nudity? Oct 10, 2009
|
| ...At least I hope they can, cause I just accidentally knocked the pilot and co-pilot out when I opened the bathroom door. Oct 09, 2009
|
| Isn’t it amazing that huge jetliners can fly all by themselves? Oct 09, 2009
|
| Hey all, it’s Miller time! So crack open an icy cold play by Arthur Miller and enjoy the cool, crisp dialogue. Ooh -- subtextual! Oct 09, 2009
|
| I heard another guy was pretending to be me on Twitter. How come no one pretends to be me when it’s time to pay the gas bill? Oct 08, 2009
|
| If Obama’s so great, how come he can’t do a brain transplant? I can’t do one either and I’m awesome. Oct 05, 2009
|
| I just thought of something: Star Wars, like walking up stairs, used to be great when I was in high school. Oct 05, 2009
|
| Just finished the New York Times crossword puzzle in 8 minutes. Filled it up with all kinds of letters. Oct 04, 2009
|
| I’m taking parachute lessons. I’m just gonna finish this tweet before pulling the ripcord -- I’m pretty sure there’s enough ti Oct 03, 2009
|
| Bill Gates, if you’re reading this, I think I’ve got one of those diseases your foundation fights. So, uh, can I get 10 bucks? Oct 03, 2009
|
| Hey, you at the buffet -- hands off that shrimp platter. I saw it first Oct 01, 2009
|
| Sleep - the most fun you can have at a nuclear power plant safety workstation. Sep 30, 2009
|
| If anyone has tips on getting your head unwedged from staircase banister rails, I’m listening. Sep 30, 2009
|
| I just ate a baked potato shaped like Alex Baldwin. I wonder if he tastes liked baked potato. Sep 30, 2009
|
| I don’t get all the praise for that show “Mad Men”. I watched a whole episode and didn’t see Alfred E. Neuman or Fonebone once! Sep 28, 2009
|
| Warning -- I just cut a big one. If you can read this tweet, you’re in range. Sep 28, 2009
|
| There’s 86400 seconds in a day, but only one lunch. How is that fair? Sep 26, 2009
|
| @RyanPom Thanks for writing back. When Lisa helps me read what you wrote, I’ll get back to you. Sep 26, 2009
|
| @RyanPom Hey, thanks for the kind words, unless yours weren’t kind, in which case: screw you, turkey! Sep 26, 2009
|
| I'm tweeting like I'm a big star. I feel like Beyonce. Now, I’m gonna undress in front of a mirror and see what Beyonce looks like nude. Sep 26, 2009
|
| I’m at a romantic restaurant with the most beautiful creature in the world -- a prime rib. You know, I should bring Marge here. Sep 25, 2009
|
| Can I ask you guys a question? Where does your laptop computer go if you can’t find your lap? Sep 25, 2009
|
| I heard there was another Homer Simpson tweeting out there. How do I know I’m not him? Sep 25, 2009
|
| I thought I had lost my cell phone but then I saw it on my x-ray. Whew! I was worried. Sep 24, 2009
|
| I’m just sitting in traffic watching my car sit on the median, on fire. Oh wait, I just figured it out – I am traffic. Cool! Sep 23, 2009
|
| Anyone know what "tweet" rhymes with? If you do tell me. I'm trying to write a rap song. Sep 23, 2009
|
| Lisa! Stop playing that stupid saxophone! Oops, I tweeted instead of talked again. Sep 21, 2009
|
| Beware of an internet scam about a Prince from Nigeria asking for your credit card number. The guy from Botswana is on the level. Sep 20, 2009
|
| I’m bowling. Unless you’re Mr. Burns, in which case I am at work. Sep 18, 2009
|
| If anyone sees Marge, will you tell her I’m on a listening tour of the Middle East? That one’s worked before. Sep 17, 2009
|
| I think it's wrong that so many people get their news from Jon Stewart. I get mine from Rod Stewart. Breaking news: I think I'm sexy. Sep 17, 2009
|
| If The Beatles were so great, then how come they never won on “America’s Got Talent”? Sep 15, 2009
|
| If you think Tur-duck-en is good, then you haven't lived until you've tried Tur-rib-nut-butter-burger-twizzler-Os. Sep 14, 2009
|
| Check out this awesome link! http://bit.ly/BPV3E Sep 14, 2009
|
| Have you seen the YouTube where the news lady farts and falls over? I haven’t. Sep 12, 2009
|
| If you’re reading this, I pity you. Sep 12, 2009
|
| Still eating it. I’m about six inches in. Sep 12, 2009
|
| Still eating it. Sep 12, 2009
|
| Eating a foot long hot dog. Sep 12, 2009
|
| I’m all for tolerance, but if I hear one more jerk say “catsup”, I’m gonna go ape. Sep 08, 2009
|
| Well, it’s Monday again, or, as I call it, pre-pre-humpday. Sep 07, 2009
|
| I just had a million dollar idea: make a million dollars. Sep 07, 2009
|
| That “Funny Video” show is sick. Tonight they showed a plane crash and a shooting. What is America coming to... wait that was the news. Sep 07, 2009
|
| Being attacked by a moose. Send help. Sep 05, 2009
|
| Had a great idea for a movie. A thriller that’s also really good. Sep 05, 2009
|
| Taking Marge out for dinner. Oh, I’ll have to write more later, we’re next at the drive-through speaker. Sep 05, 2009
|
| At Moe’s about to tell him I will stop tweeting so he can put down the shotgun already. Sep 04, 2009
|
| Just waiting for the fire department to come and cut me out of this phone booth. Sep 03, 2009
|
| Fighting the dog over some food that fell on the ground. Sep 02, 2009
|
| Eating vegetables - they're not bad if you dip them in syrup. But what isn't? Sep 02, 2009
|
| I was trying to grow a moustache but I gave up after a few minutes. Too boring. Aug 31, 2009
|
| I’m using Flanders’ computer to write this. I’m not gonna pay for internet when it’s free next door, just like air-conditioning. Aug 30, 2009
|
| I’m in my favorite chair with the TV turned up so loud I can’t hear my wife or kids. I call this paradise. Aug 29, 2009
|
| I can’t tweet right now. The policeman that pulled me over says I have to blow into some sort of machine. Aug 29, 2009
|
| I’m with Lenny and Carl and I’m calling them both Lenny. I’m doing it as an experiment and also because I forgot which one is really Lenny. Aug 29, 2009
|
| Just kind of sleeping and watching TV. Oh, yeah, also at work. Aug 27, 2009
|
| Eating. And no you can't have some. Aug 27, 2009
|
| Eating. What the hell business is it of yours? Aug 27, 2009
|
| Chasing a coffee truck trying to force it off the road or at least knock some bacon loose. Aug 26, 2009
|
| Eating a taco salad. If it wasn't for the taco, this thing would suck! Aug 26, 2009
|
| Who the hell's back is this? Aug 25, 2009
|
| Wait, this isn't my back. Aug 25, 2009
|
| Shaving my back. Aug 25, 2009
|
| In my car. I heard a radio ad for a sale on TV's. I know that's ironic, I just don't know why Aug 24, 2009
|
| Just getting my blood pressure checked - hey, it's the same as my weight – 320! Aug 24, 2009
|
| Watching tv. I’m really good at it. Aug 24, 2009
|
| Choking on a sandwich. Man, it's delicious Aug 23, 2009
|
| Woo! I'm at a U2 concert! They're playing their hit "U2 It Up Baby" and I... okay, I admit it, I'm home alone on the sofa. U2 rox! Aug 23, 2009
|
| If electricity is so smart how come it can't drive? I can drive, and I'm an idiot. Aug 21, 2009
|
| If @snoopdogg married Snoopy the dog, that would be awesome, but our stupid prejudiced politicians say it's illegal. Fight the power! Aug 21, 2009
|
| If life gives you lemons, make a cheese pizza. Aug 19, 2009
|
| Come on, adult web sites -- help me set the record for most fake followers on Twitter. Aug 19, 2009
|
| Woo hoo! I'm standing on top of Mt. Everest. Um, is anyone else up there? I mean, here? No? Then woo hoo, I'm on top of Mt Everest! Aug 17, 2009
|
| Marge says stop making fun of church with advanced internet technology. Aug 16, 2009
|
| I'm at church. Come on everyone, let's tweet: boring boring boring. Aug 16, 2009
|
| Hey, did you watch the History Channel last night? Then you are lame. Aug 15, 2009
|
| I just saw that hilarious movie about the Guinea Pig commandos. What was it called again? Right, “Platoon.” Aug 14, 2009
|
| Sitting on the throne right now. Good thing I brought my computer, so I can read the newspaper. Aug 14, 2009
|
| Man, was it hot today. I guess the “Dog Days of August” are here. How hot is that in Human Days? Aug 14, 2009
|
| @xSarahDaniellex Thanks! I always appreciate feedback – especially when the back I’m being fed is from a cow or pig. Aug 14, 2009
|
| To the boogeyman in my closet: why can’t you just be cool, man? Aug 13, 2009
|
| Help! I found half a pizza in the garbage but a raccoon is fighting me for it. Stupid raccoon! Ow! I'm sorry raccoon you're awesome. Aug 12, 2009
|
| Anybody know a good restaurant in Rome? I'm going there in eighteen years when Maggie goes to college. Aug 12, 2009
|
| Business idea: hamburger with two hamburgers for buns and patty made of hamburgers. Possible special sauce -- liquid hamburger. Aug 11, 2009
|
| Trying to figure out a vanity license plate. What does "Utah" mean? Aug 10, 2009
|
| Shopping for pants... At a maternity store Aug 09, 2009
|
| Hey everybody, let’s list our favorite fifteenth century Spanish Inquisitors. Mine: Torquemada. Aug 08, 2009
|
| BOOM-BOOM-CHA, BOOM-BOOM-CHA, I WILL, I WILL ROCK YOU, BOOM-BOOM-CHA-- sorry, Marge, but "Guitar Heroes" don't "knock it off." Aug 07, 2009
|
| To the dude who’s honking at me: I’m blocking the intersection because I’m having an NPR driveway moment, so blame the liberal media. Aug 07, 2009
|
| ...What? That's a different guy? Oh, then who cares. Aug 06, 2009
|
| It's too bad Paula's leaving American Idol. I'm really gonna miss her saying mean things to people in her British accent... Aug 06, 2009
|
| Quick question-- I'm helping Bart with his homework. Is math the thing with the numbers, or the thing where the cow goes moo? Aug 06, 2009
|
| Babies, old people and astronauts all get to wear diapers. But nobody calls THAT a conspiracy. Aug 05, 2009
|
| I know Americans are adopting kids from Africa, but are any Africans adopting American kids? ‘Cause I’ve got a boy available, cheap. Aug 05, 2009
|
| To the cop chasing me: I know I’m speeding, but I’ve got a great excuse-- I’m in a hurry to get to a bar. Aug 04, 2009
|
| That’s right, my cellphone has a feature that texts my snoring sounds. Aug 04, 2009
|
| She’s playing the first note and <SNORE>. Aug 04, 2009
|
| Okay, here I am live-tweeting Lisa’s saxophone recital. Aug 04, 2009
|
| FIFTEEN years of marriage. Thanks Lisa. Aug 02, 2009
|
| Marge, if you're reading Twitter, I'm sorry I forgot our anniversary. It's been five great years of marriage! Aug 02, 2009
|
| If you’re at the bottom of this waterslide, attention! My bathing suit is coming down before me. Aug 01, 2009
|
| Check out http://tinyurl.com/A56HX89UT ! PS: there’s nothing there, but I wanted to look like the cool guys who put urls in their tweets. Jul 31, 2009
|
| Humiliated nuclear safety technician seeks work. Contact H. Simpson, 742 Evergreen Terrace. Jul 31, 2009
|
| I called in sick but really I'm at the dogtrack. Stupid boss -- he's too old to know about Twitter. Jul 31, 2009
|
| Three things I found in my belly button: lint, a PB&J sandwich, and the skeleton of a squirrel. So cute! Jul 30, 2009
|
| If a “ham”-burger is made of beef, then a club sandwich should be made of knives. Think about it. Jul 30, 2009
|
| I’m a huge fan of that show “The Biggest Loser”, but Marge says I should call it by its other title, “The Glenn Beck Program.” Jul 30, 2009
|
| You know what’s great? Leaving your kids in the car and then forgetting where you parked it. Jul 30, 2009
|
| Check this out, I’m tweeting while driving! There’s Moe’s and there’s the Kwik-E-Mart and now I’m out of control and flying off a bri... Jul 30, 2009
|
| Relax, those nuclear meltdown sirens you’re hearing are just a drill. The radioactive gas escape alarms are real, though. Jul 29, 2009
|
| Putting on my trash bag. Jul 29, 2009
|
| But it fits pretty good... Jul 29, 2009
|
| Hey, these aren’t my pants! It’s an eighty gallon blue trash bag. Jul 29, 2009
|
| Putting my pants on. Jul 29, 2009
|
| @rainbowlite Thanks for writing me. We’re like pen pals except I left my pen in my pocket and sat down and stained the couch with ink. Jul 28, 2009
|
| Hey, I’m at the mall and I’ve lost Bart. If anyone finds him, please don’t tweet me. Jul 28, 2009
|
| Marge, my head is stuck between the stair railings again. Marge? Marge! Jul 28, 2009
|
| Bart Why you little... get off my account! Jul 28, 2009
|
| I'm Homer Simpson and I smell like poop and I eat poop for breakfast and my name is Captain Poop. Jul 28, 2009
|
| Marge says I can't say I'm in the bathroom so I'm... Uh, raking leaves. And reading Jul 28, 2009
|
| Who dares me to push this big red button on my nuclear plant control workstation? Jul 27, 2009
|
| My friend Lenny says if I want to do Twitter my tweets can't be more than one hundred and forty characters long, but I think he's full of cr Jul 27, 2009
|
| What am I doing right now? Tweeting obviously, you idiot. Jul 26, 2009
|
| I’m engaged in the act of love with a meaTBTall sub. Jul 26, 2009
|
| I accidentally put underwear on outside my pants, so can everyone reading this do the same thing so I don’t look stupid. Jul 26, 2009
|
| To that dude who keeps honking at me: I can’t go any faster. I’m pushing the car with my feet through a hole in the floor. #comic-con #sdcc Jul 26, 2009
|
| He’s so cute in his fake beard and little – oh, wait, that is George Lucas. #sdcc Jul 25, 2009
|
| I’m at Comic-Con and I just saw a toddler dressed up like George Lucas... Jul 25, 2009
|
| Man, everybody at Comic-Con dresses so weird. Socks with shoes? I guess it takes all kinds. Jul 25, 2009
|
| I’m at Comic-Con! I’m hoping to meet Matt Groening so I can thank him for giving us “Family Guy.” #sdcc Jul 25, 2009
|
| I was eating pancakes and I spilled syyyyrup all over the "yyyyyyy" keyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy Jul 25, 2009
|
| I didn’t vote for @algore, but I thank him every day for giving us this. http://bit.ly/2RSkAB Jul 25, 2009
|
| My Dad found this old home movie of when I was a kid. Check it out. http://bit.ly/yDOWp Jul 25, 2009
|
| I'm learbing to text wigh my thjubs... so fat, so goo. Jul 24, 2009
|
| Oh yeah, @aplusk ? Well I think your tweets are boring, pointless, ilbilerate and flul fo splelnig rerors! Jul 24, 2009
|
| At the hospital getting a rod put into my spine. Jul 24, 2009
|
| I just bet the doctor I can do a flip off the stretcher! Jul 24, 2009
|
| At the hospital getting stitches. Jul 24, 2009
|
| At Moe’s getting drunk and I just bet Lenny I can do a front flip off the bar! Jul 24, 2009
|
| Hey, it’s Homer! Have you heard of this new thing called “Twitter”? Try it, it's cool. Jul 24, 2009
|
