"Sideshow Bob Roberts"
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- Singers: Without Mayor Quimby, our town would really stink
- We wouldn't have a tire yard or a mid-sized roller rink
- We wouldn't have our gallows, or a shiny Bigfoot trap
- It's not the mayor's fault that the stadium collapsed
- Man: Quimby. If you were running for mayor, he'd vote for you. Paid for by the Mayor Quimby for Mayor Mayoral Committee.
- Lisa: Congratulations, Bart. You get to go back to the fourth grade!
- Bart: Oh... tomorrow we were gonna find out who the dish ran away with
- Lisa: The spoon, Bart
- Bart: [gasps] of course
- Jimbo: [after wrapping Milhouse in Vote Quimby bumper stickers and placing him in a shopping cart] All right! The mummy is ready for his mystical journey! [pushes Milhouse down the hill]
- Milhouse: Aaaaah! What's happening?
- Larry King: Now even though we're being broadcast on... FOX, there's no need for obnoxious hooting and hollering. [The entire audience hoots and hollers obnoxiously]
- Bart: I found Edgar Neubauer!
- [Bart points at a tombstone which reads "Edgar Neubauer: Beloved husband and old grouch (1831-1909)".]
- Bart: "Oh, my God ... the dead have risen ... and they're voting Republican!"
- Lisa: I can't believe a convicted felon would get so many votes and another convicted felon would get so few.
- Lisa: You don't have the intelligence to rig an election, do you?!
- Bart: You were just Barlow's lackey!
- Lisa: You were Ronny to his Nancy!
- Bart: Sonny to his Cher!
- Lisa: Ringo to his rest of the Beatles!
- Sideshow Bob: ENOUGH! Lies, lies, lies! I did it! I did it all! [the crowd gasps] There! Is that what you want, you smarmy little bastards?!
- Bart: We want the truth!
- Sideshow Bob: You want the truth?! You can't handle the truth! No truth-handler, you! Bah, I deride your truth-handling abilities!
- Judge Snyder: Will you get to the point?
- Sideshow Bob: The point is only I could have executed such a masterpiece of electoral fraud and I have the records to prove it! Just look at these! [pulls out a number of ledgers and floppy disks] Each one a work of Machiavellian art!
- Judge Snyder: But why?
- Sideshow Bob: Because you need' me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside, you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalise criminals and rule you like a king!
- Sideshow Bob: [Calling in to Birch Barlow's talk show} Kudos for bringing the public back to the Republican Party. It's high time people realized we conservatives aren't all Johnny Hatemongers and Charlie Biblethumps and even--God forbid--George Bushes.
- Kent Brockman: The results are in: for Sideshow Bob, one hundred percent; and for Joe Quimby, one percent. And, we remind you, there is a one percent margin of error.
- Birch Barlow: There are three things we are never going to get rid of in this town. One, the bats in the public library; two, Mrs. McFuly's compost heap; and three, our six-term mayor - the illiterate, tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking spendocrat, Diamond Joe Quimby.
- Mayor Quimby: Hey, I am no longer illiterate!
- Lisa: This is so cool, we're just like Woodward and Bernstein.
- Bart: Except their Dad wasn't sitting in the car reading Archie comics.
- Homer: Stuck-up Riverdale punks, they think they're too good for me.
Birch Barlow: Mayor Quimby, you are well known for your lenient stance on crime, but suppose for a second that your house was ransacked by thugs, your family was tied up in the basement with socks in their mouths, you try to open the door but there's too much blood on the knob—Mayor Quimby: What is your question?
Sideshow Bob: That was a big mistake, Bart. No children have ever meddled with the Republican Party and lived to tell about it.
Marge: [listening to the radio] Mmm...this sounds awfully controversial. Lisa, you know I don't like controversy in this house.
Lisa: I don't like him either, Mom, but I'm doing a report on local politics for my school project.
Bart: You think you're so big because your class always gets to do projects. [condescending] Well, um, I'm doing a school project on, er, fireworks. [displays a bundle]
Marge: Mmm...Bart, I wish you wouldn't lie like that. [takes the bundle, douses it in sink, throws it away]
Skinner: And now, as a special sendoff and a way to say "Gong Hei Fat Choy" to our visiting Chinese principals, Bart Simpson has promised us a fireworks display. [motions to Bart; Bart looks at Mrs. Krabapplegroans as she gives him "F"]
Principal 1: All week, he promise big firework display.
Principal 2: Bad student.
Principal 1: Uh-uh...bad principal.
Birch Barlow: So, my friends, let's just junk those Dumbocrats and their bleeding-heart smellfare program.
Lisa: Dad, I had to listen to this jerk all morning. Can we listen to something else?
Homer: When I'm driving the car, I get to choose the radio station. When you're driving, we'll listen to your radio station.
[scene cuts to Lisa driving and smiling as she listens to John Parr's "St. Elmo's Fire" theme]
Homer: [moans] I can't take this any more! Let's switch back.
Lisa: Sideshow Bob used to be Krusty the Klown's sidekick. In 1990, he framed Krusty for armed robbery and Bart got him put in jail.
Homer: Uh huh.
Lisa: When he got out, he married Aunt Selma and tried to murder her.
Homer: Oh, Sideshow Bob.
Principal Skinner: Now, students, I want you to be on your best behavior for this carefully-choreographed media event. Now this means there is to be no wising-off, no face-making, and no grass-eating. This means you, Ralph.
Ralph: [with a full mouth of grass] Yes, sir.
Quimby: [with a cold] I shouldn't have shaken hands with those old people.
[Bart hands him some pills; Quimby eats a handful, then stumbles on stage]
Lisa: I hope that flu doesn't affect his performance out there.
Bart: Don't worry...he's taken a million of these capsules.
[box says "Extra-Drowsy Formula"]
Homer: [looks at ballot information] Hmm...I don't agree with his Bart-killing policy, but I do approve of his Selma-killing policy.
[votes for Bob]
Krusty: Well, he framed me for armed robbery, but man, I'm aching for that upper-class tax cut. [votes for Bob]
Principal Skinner: Bart, by special request of the Mayor's office, you are going to be left back.
Bart: Oh. You mean I have to repeat the fourth grade?
Principal Skinner: Well, yes, but not for four or five years. Bart, you're going to kindergarten.
Mrs. Krabappel: [pops a champagne cork] Hah!
(there's an earthquake-like rumbling)
Homer: Aaaaahhhh! It's the rapture! Quick, get Bart out of the house before God comes!
(Homer runs outside)
Sideshow Bob: So sorry, Mr. Simpson. Your house is blocking construction for our new Matlock Expressway.
(there's a big bridge)
Sideshow Bob: However, I an a fair man. You will have 72 hours to vacate. At that time, we will blow up your house and any remaining Simpsons.
Marge: Homer, we have to stop these guys!
Homer: I know what you're up to, Mayor Terwilliger. And no one in my family is gonna stand for it!
(there's a honking sound)
Grampa: Move your darn house, son!
Man: [carrying large stack of paper and gives it to Lisa] Here you go: the results of last month's mayor election. All 48000 voters and who each one of them
Lisa: I thought this was a secret ballot.
Lisa: This is hopeless. They're going to demolish our house for sure. We're going to have to move into a Motel Six.
Bart: But Dad can't afford six dollars a night!
Lionel Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sideshow Bob: No, I did not.
Lionel Hutz: (to Bart and Lisa) Kids, help.