Lisa's Guide to Being a Teacher's Pet

Lisas's Guide to Being a Teacher's Pet is a list of how you be a teacher's pet in The Lisa Book.

List

• Volume counts! With a good thesaurus and a little imagination, you can turn a three-page assignment into a twelve-page assignment.
• Presentation is everything. Put your lunch money toward a leather portfolio to really put that book report over the top.
• Make yourself available for those essential but thankless tasks. Those erasers aren't going to clap themselves, you know.
• If possible, stop Ralph for licking the class lizard (my class only).
• But "World's Best Teacher" mugs in bulk for big savings.
• Today's ultra-convenient camera cell phones make tattling a snap and provide hard evidence to boot!
• Apples for teacher are strictly last century. Here's where gift certificates to Cinnabon and Starbucks come in handy.
• Offer to deliver homework to sick classmates.
• Be considerate! Try to whisper and tiptoe when the teacher's hung over.
• Sure the other kids may laugh when you bring your own globe polish from home, but no teacher likes waxy, yellow build-up on her Madagascar!
• Helpfully remind the teacher when she forgets about a scheduled quiz. (Warning: be discreet or expect multiple after school beatings from your classmates.)
• When making art from macaroni and glitter, introduce other types for variety. Capellini, rigatoni, and ziti will tell your teacher that you appreciate her assignment and that you don't see it as the pointless busy work that it really is.
• If possible, try to stop Ralph from eating the shavings from the pencil sharpener (again, my class only).
• Three words: footnotes, footnotes, footnotes!**and more footnotes!
• Arrive early each day and confiscate practical jokes, comic books, and all forms of contraband from your classmates' desks.
• Competitive academics doesn't have to be a group effort. Why not have a solo spelling bee during free time?
• Create teacher factoid trading cards to collect and trade with other kids! (Look, if you get beat up for trying these ideas, it's your own fault for going outside at recess.)
• Make up a haiku using your teachers' name (the example below is my work, so no copying!). Miss Hoover, sublime Grade-giver, knowledge fountain, Ralph, stop eating that!!