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Difference between revisions of "Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes"

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
Line 1: Line 1:
:{{Template:TabQ
+
'''Chief Wiggum''': This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
|episode = Homer's Triple Bypass
+
----
}}
+
'''Bart''' [at breakfast]: Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
 +
 
 +
'''Lisa''': Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]
 +
----
 +
'''Bart''': What's wrong, Dad?
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I'm having that right now...[back to normal] Ooh, bacon!
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump]
 +
 
 +
'''Marge''': [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': What the hell is this?
 +
 
 +
'''Marge''': Nice, healthy oatmeal.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink]
 +
 
 +
'''Marge''': No there isn't.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Trust me. [starts eating bacon]
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': Dad, there's a bug on that.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Naah. [keeps on eating]
 +
----
 +
[at the gas station]
 +
 
 +
'''Homer:''' I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
 +
 
 +
'''Attendant''': It's your heart. And I think it's on it's last thump.
 +
'''Homer''': Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]
 +
'''Kid''': Where's he going?
 +
 
 +
'''Attendant''': You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
 +
 
 +
'''Kid''': We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
 +
 
 +
'''Attendant''': You're a dull boy, Billy.
 +
----
 +
'''Mr. Burns''' [about Homer's eating donuts]: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
 +
 
 +
'''Smithers''': Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Damn their oily hides!
 +
----
 +
[a "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Whew...[heart slows down]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': ...and goodbye! You're fired!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': [gags; his heart speeds up]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Whew...[heart slows down]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': ...at goofing off!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Aaargh! [heart beats faster]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Whew...[heart slows down]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': ...a grave for!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Aaargh! [heart beats faster]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Your indolence is inefficacious!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': That means, you're terrible!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Aarrggghh! [his heart goes crazy and he collapses; his astral body rises from Homer's physical body]
 +
 
 +
'''Smithers''': [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer's astral body''': Mmm...ham...[returns to Homer's body]
 +
 
 +
'''Smithers''': No, wait. He's alive.
 +
 
 +
'''Mr. Burns''': Oh good. Cancel the ham.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': D'oh!
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
 +
 
 +
'''Patty''': Oh my God.
 +
 
 +
'''Selma''': What?
 +
 
 +
'''Patty''': 5 cents off wax paper.
 +
 
 +
'''Selma''': [slaps her cheek in amazement]
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''' [to Dr. Hibbert]: Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': Can't you do something for him?
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': What an age we live in!
 +
----
 +
[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
 +
 
 +
'''Nurse''': But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': Good Lord!
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''': Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
 +
----
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Say it in English, Doc.
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': You're going to need open heart surgery.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Could you dumb it down a shade?
 +
 
 +
'''Marge''': Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Aaarrrggh! [collapses]
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Hibbert''': I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': Don't you have a health plan at work?
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
 +
 
 +
'''Marge''': D'oh!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
 +
----
 +
[Homer's at "Happy Widow's Insurance"]
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': All right. Here's your policy.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...policy!
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': I made an H!
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': That doesn't count!
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Looks like an X.
 +
 
 +
[the clerk manages to pull it away]
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': We better get you to a hospital.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Can I have a free calendar?
 +
 
 +
'''Clerk''': OK.
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''': Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
 +
----
 +
[with Reverend Lovejoy]
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or
 +
mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]
 +
 
 +
[with Rabbi Krustofsky]
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000?
 +
 
 +
'''Rabbi Krustofsky''': Hmm?
 +
----
 +
'''Bart''': Any luck, Dad?
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': What is that?
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Son, it's called a droodel.
 +
----
 +
'''Bart''': Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
 +
 
 +
'''Lisa''': We feel neither highs or lows.
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': Really? What's it like?
  
:''Mr. Burns and Smithers are watching Homer wolf down donuts on a closed-circuit TV''
+
'''Lisa''': Ehh. [shrugs]
:'''Montgomery Burns''': Look at him, Smithers. Eating donuts! Keep eating, soon enough you will get to the poison donut!
+
----
:'''Waylon Smithers''': Uh, sir...
+
'''Bart''': Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad-- for awhile.
:'''Mr. Burns''': Well? There is a poison donut, is there not?
 
:'''Mr. Smithers''': No sir, I removed it.
 
:'''Mr. Burns''': Why did you do that?!
 
:'''Mr. Smither''': I discussed the concept of a poison donut with the company lawyers, and they were all in agreement that that is considered murder.
 
:'''Mr. Burns''': Curse their oily hides!
 
 
----
 
----
:'''[[Marge]]''': "Hello? Oh my Lord!"
+
'''Homer''': Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
:''(Marge hangs up phone and grabs her car keys)''
 
:'''Marge''': "I need to get to the hospital, my husband just had a heart attack!"
 
:''(Marge rushes out the Simpsons residence)''
 
:'''[[Patty]]''': "Oh my God."
 
:'''[[Selma]]''': "What?"
 
:'''Patty''': "5 cents off wax paper!"
 
:''(Selma slaps herself in shock, either oblivious or completely uncaring about Homer's plight or Marge's distress)''
 
  
 +
'''Bart''': What about Abraham Lincoln?
 +
 +
'''Homer''': He sold poison milk to school children.
 
----
 
----
:'''Krusty''': Hi there! Hoo hoo ha ha!
+
'''Homer''': Bed goes up, bed goes down...
:''Homer is shocked by Krusty's sudden stunt.''
 
:'''Homer''': GARH! Heart!
 
:'''Krusty''': Oh, sorry about that!
 
:''Krusty unbuttons shirt to show his pacemaker scars.''
 
:'''Krusty''': I am in the Zipper Club myself. I am doing hospital routines as part of my community service for that "glug glug, vroom vroom" stunt of mine..
 
:'''Homer''': Krusty, you look healthy. Why did you have myocardial infarction?
 
:'''Krusty''': Well, I got news for you, pal. ''Krusty does a close-up of his face.'' This ain't makeup!
 
 
----
 
----
 +
'''Ned''' [praying]: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
 +
----
 +
'''Grampa''': They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
 +
----
 +
'''Barney''': When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
  
:'''[[Barney]]''': "Originally I did not like it, but then I figured, if Homer wants to be a woman, who am I to judge?"
+
'''Homer''': Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
  
:'''[[Homer]]''': "Barney! I am having heart surgery, not a sex change!"
+
'''Barney''': Huh? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini!
:'''Barney''': "Oh! Well, what do I do with this jumbo thong bikini?"
+
----
:'''[[Moe]]''': "For old times' sake, I snuck in this bottle of beer."
+
'''Moe''': Hey, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake?
:'''Homer''': "Thanks a lot, Moe!"
 
:''(Homer begins drinking)''
 
:'''Moe''': "Homer, that is not free, you know."
 
:
 
  
 +
'''Homer''': Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]
 +
 +
'''Moe''': You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
 
----
 
----
 +
'''Homer''': Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this.
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': [whispers into Homer's ear]
 +
 +
'''Homer''': Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': [whispers into Homer's ear]
 +
 +
'''Homer''': ...because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
  
:'''Patty''': "Marge, say hello to [[Andre]]!"
+
'''Bart''': Thanks, Dad.
:'''Marge''' (enraged): "My husband is not dead yet! GET OUT!"
+
 
:'''Patty''' (curt): "Oh sorry, hope he recovers."
+
'''Homer''': And Lisa...
:'''Selma''': "I do too."
+
 
:'''Andre''': "I do not."
+
'''Bart''': [whispers into Homer's ear]
:
+
 
 +
'''Homer''': I guess this is the time to tell you...
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': [whispers into Homer's ear]
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': ...that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': [whispers into Homer's ear]
 +
 
 +
'''Homer''': But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
 +
 
 +
'''Lisa''': Oh, Dad. [hugs him]
 +
----
 +
'''Dr. Nick''': Hi, everybody!
 +
 
 +
'''Crowd''': Hi, Dr. Nick!
 +
 
 +
'''Dr. Nick''': If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
 +
----
 +
'''Moe''': Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
 +
 
 +
'''Barney''': How long has it been?
 +
 
 +
'''Moe''': 6 seconds.
 +
 
 +
'''Barney''': Do we have to start over?
 +
 
 +
'''Moe''': Hell no.
 +
----
 +
'''Apu''': Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
 +
 
 +
'''Customer''': Give me some jerky.
 +
 
 +
'''Apu''': Would you like some vodka with that?
 +
 
 +
'''Customer''': Oh, what the hell, sure.
 +
----
 +
'''Dr. Nick''': Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
 +
----
 +
'''Dr. Nick''': The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.
 +
----
 +
'''Lisa''': All right, Dad!
 +
 
 +
'''Bart''': You rule intensive care!
 +
----
 
:{{Season 4 Q}}
 
:{{Season 4 Q}}
 
[[Category:Quotes]]
 
[[Category:Quotes]]

Revision as of 15:42, September 15, 2010

Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.


Bart [at breakfast]: Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?

Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!

Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]


Bart: What's wrong, Dad?

Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I'm having that right now...[back to normal] Ooh, bacon!


Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!

Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump]

Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.

Homer: What the hell is this?

Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.

Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink]

Marge: No there isn't.

Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon]

Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.

Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating]


[at the gas station]

Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.

Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on it's last thump. Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away] Kid: Where's he going?

Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?

Kid: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!

Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.


Mr. Burns [about Homer's eating donuts]: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?

Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.

Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!


[a "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast]

Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...

Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]

Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!

Homer: [gags; his heart speeds up]

Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...

Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]

Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!

Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster]

Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...

Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]

Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!

Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster]

Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!

Homer: [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]

Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!

Homer: Aarrggghh! [his heart goes crazy and he collapses; his astral body rises from Homer's physical body]

Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.

Mr. Burns: Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow.

Homer's astral body: Mmm...ham...[returns to Homer's body]

Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.

Mr. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham.

Homer: D'oh!


Marge: [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]

Patty: Oh my God.

Selma: What?

Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.

Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]


Homer [to Dr. Hibbert]: Remember your Hippopotamus oath!


Marge: Can't you do something for him?

Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.

Homer: What an age we live in!


[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]

Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.

Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!

Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!


Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!


Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.

Homer: Say it in English, Doc.

Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.

Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.

Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.

Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?

Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.

Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.

Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]

Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.


Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?

Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.

Marge: D'oh!

Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!


[Homer's at "Happy Widow's Insurance"]

Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.

Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.

Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.

Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".

Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.

Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--

Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.

Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...policy!

Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!

Homer: I made an H!

Clerk: That doesn't count!

Homer: Looks like an X.

[the clerk manages to pull it away]

Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.

Homer: Can I have a free calendar?

Clerk: OK.


Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!


[with Reverend Lovejoy]

Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]

[with Rabbi Krustofsky]

Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000?

Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm?


Bart: Any luck, Dad?

Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]

Bart: What is that?

Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.


Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.

Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.

Homer: Really? What's it like?

Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]


Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad-- for awhile.


Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?

Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.


Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...


Ned [praying]: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.


Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!


Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!

Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!

Barney: Huh? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini!


Moe: Hey, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake?

Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]

Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.


Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this.

Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...

Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: ...because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.

Bart: Thanks, Dad.

Homer: And Lisa...

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!

Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]

Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.

Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]


Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!

Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!

Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!


Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.

Barney: How long has it been?

Moe: 6 seconds.

Barney: Do we have to start over?

Moe: Hell no.


Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?

Customer: Give me some jerky.

Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?

Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.


Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!


Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.


Lisa: All right, Dad!

Bart: You rule intensive care!


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