Homer Goes to College/Quotes

Quotes

[One lazy afternoon at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Homer is asleep at his workstation and a dog is sleeping on the floor next to his chair. In his sleep, Homer slumps over, falling onto a button labeled "Plant Destruct" and triggering an alarm.]

Computer Voice: "Core meltdown in ten seconds ... nine ... eight ..."

[The dog wakes up, walks to the console, and pulls a lever. The alarm and the countdown stop.]

Computer Voice: "Meltdown averted. Good boy!"

[Later that same lazy afternoon, inpsectors from the NRC arrive at the power plant in their van. A woman inspector presses the buzzer at the front door.]

Mr. Burns [on intercom]: "What? How dare you disturb me during nap time!"

Woman Inspector: "We're from the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. This is a surprise test of worker competence."

Mr. Burns: "There must be some mistake. We, uhh, we make cookies here. Mr. Burns' Old-Fashioned Good-Time Extra-Chewy-"

Man Inspector: [cutting Burns off] "Get the axe."

[Accompanied by his lawyers, Mr. Burns visits the Simpson home. Homer answers the door and screams at the sight of Burns and his lawyers.]

Mr. Burns: "Hello, Simpson. My lawyers and I were in the neighborhood and thought we'd stop by."

Marge: "Would you like to come in for tea and marshmallow squares?"

[Burns and his lawyers confer.]

Blue-Haired Lawyer': "Yes, he would."

[On being accepted to college, Homer burns his high school diploma, then dances around while the fire spreads.]

Homer: "I am so smart. I am so smart. I am so smart. S-M-R-T ... Uh, I mean S-M-A-R-T."

[Now in college, Homer interrupts the Nuclear Physics Professor's lecture.]

Homer: "Uhh, excuse me, Professor Brainiac, but I worked in a nuclear power plant for ten years and I think I know how a proton accelerator works."

Professor: "Well, please come down and show us."

Homer: "All right, I will."

[The scene shifts to students screaming and fleeing the building while a green radiation glow fills the windows. Homer casually walks out just as two technicians in radiation suits are walking in.]

Homer: [gesturing over shoulder] "In there, guys."

Technicians: "Thanks, Homer."

[Assigned supplemental tutoring, Homer meets the three nerds typing away on their computer keyboards.]

Homer: "Hiya, gang."

Gary: "Intruder alert. Intruder alert."

Doug: "Stop the humanoid." [All three nerds laugh.]

Homer: "Look, I'm supposed to get a physics tutor."

Gary: "Well, you've come to the right place, then. If there's one thing we know, it is science."

Doug: "And math."

Benjamin: "And the worst of every Monty Python routine."

Homer: "Ahh, the college road trip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem."

Bart: "So it's a prank you're looking for, is it? I'll give you your prank."

[After catching the three nerds with a drunken and kidnapped Sir Oinks-A-Lot, Springfield University Dean Bobby Peterson has just been forced to expel them.]

Dean Peterson: "I'm sorry, boys. I've never expelled anyone before, but that pig had some powerful friends."

Richard Nixon: [angrily lecturing the nerds] "Oh, you'll pay. Don't think you won't pay!"

[After their expulsion, the nerds say good-bye to Homer as they leave campus.]

Benjamin: "Don't worry, Mr. Simpson. We can take care of ourselves."

[As the nerds stand outside the college's front gate, Snake comes up to them.]

Snake: "Uh, wallet inspector."

Gary: "Oh, well. Here you go. [The nerds hand over their wallets.] I believe that's all in order."

Snake: "Whoah. I can't believe that worked!" [runs off with their wallets]

Homer: [seeing what happened] "Hey ... that's not the wallet inspector."

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