Chalkboard gag

During the opening credits, Bart is usualy featured writing a phrase on a green chalkboard over and over as punishment after class.

List of Chalkboard Gags

I will not waste chalk
I will not skateboard in the halls
I will not burp in class
I will not instigate revolution
I will not draw naked ladies in class
I did not see Elvis
I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes"
Garlic gum is not funny
They are laughing at me, not with me
I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom
I will not encourage others to fly
I will not fake my way through life
Tar is not a plaything
I will not Xerox my butt
It's potato, not potatoe
I will not trade pants with others
I am not a 32 year old woman
I will not do that thing with my tongue
I will not drive the principal's car
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart
I will not sell school property
I WILL NOT CUT CORNERS

" " " " " " " " " " " "

I will not get very far with this attitude
I will not make flatuent noises in class
I will not belch the National Anthem
I will not sell land in Florida
I will not grease the monkey bars
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment
I will not do anything bad ever again
I will not show off (written in an Old English font)
I will not sleep through my education
I am not a dentist
Spitwads are not free speech
Nobody likes sunburn slappers
High explosives and school don't mix
I will not bribe Principal Skinner
I will not squeak chalk (Bart squeaks the chalk)
I will finish what I sta (appears on only one line)
"Bart Bucks" are not legal tender
I will not fake rabies (only shown in Canada)
Underwear should be worn on the inside
The Christmas Pageant does not stink
I will not torment the emotionally frail
I will not carve gods
I will not spank others
I will not aim for the head
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty (Lisa claps erasers)
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge
I will not conduct my own fire drills
Funny noises are not funny
I will not spin the turtle
I will not snap bras
I will not fake seizures
This punishment is not boring and pointless
My name is not Dr. Death
I will not defame New Orleans
I will not prescribe medication
I will not bury the new kid
I will try to raise a better child
I will not teach others to fly

9F06 I will not bring sheep to class 9F07 A burp is not an answer 9F08 Teacher is not a leper 9F09 Coffee is not for kids

Each line becomes less and less legible; the last line is a scrawl

9F10 I will not eat things for money 9F11 I will not yell "She's Dead" during roll call 9F12 The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee 9F13 I will not call the principal "spud head" 9F14 Goldfish don't bounce 9F15 Mud is not one of the 4 food groups 9F17 No one is interested in my underpants 9F16 I will not sell miracle cures 9F18 I will return the seeing-eye dog 9F20 I do not have diplomatic immunity 9F19 I will not charge admission to the bathroom 9F21 I will never win an Emmy

   This was the first episode after 1992-93 Emmy nominations were announced, the first time the show was eligible for "Best Comedy Series", but it wasn't nominated (the show had won "Best Animated Show" Emmys in the past)

9F22 The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy 1F02 None 1F01 None 1F04 None - Halloween Special 1F03 None 1F05 None 1F06 None 1F07 All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy

   This is probably a reference to The Shining, especially as this quote was not written "line by line" like the others

1F08 I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause 1F09 I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers 1F11 My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

   A reference to "The Fugitive"

1F10 I will not go near the kindergarten turtle 1F12 None 1F13 None 1F14 I am not delightfully saucy 1F15 Organ transplants are best left to the professionals 1F16 The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan 1F18 I will not celebrate meaningless milestones

   This was first used for the 100th new episode

1F19 There are plenty of businesses like show business 1F21 I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball 1F20 Five days is not too long to wait for a gun 1F22 Beans are neither fruit nor musical 1F17 Repeat of 9F17 2F33 I will not use abbrev. 2F01 I am not the reincarnation of Sammy Davis Jr. 2F02 None 2F03 None - Halloween Special 2F04 I will not send lard through the mail 2F05 I will not dissect things unless instructed 2F06 I will not whittle hall passes out of soap 2F07 Repeat of 1F11 2F08 Ralph won't "morph" if you squeeze him hard enough 2F09 Adding "just kidding" doesn't make it okay to insult the Principal 2F10 "Bagman" is not a legitimate career choice 2F11 Cursive writing does not mean what I think it does 2F12 Next time it could be me on the scaffolding 2F13 I will not hang donuts on my person 2F14 I will remember to take my medication 2F31 None 2F15 I will not strut around like I own the place 2F18 The Good Humor man can only be pushed so far 2F19 I do not have power of attorney over first graders 2F32 Nerve gas is not a toy 2F21 I will not mock Mrs. Dumbface 2F22 The First Amendment does not cover burping 2F16 This is not a clue...or is it?

   In this episode, there are clues that are supposed to reveal who shoots Mr. Burns

2F20 I will not complain about the solution when I hear it

   In this episode, the shooter (see 2F16) is revealed

2F17 "Bewitched" does not promote Satanism 3F01 No one wants to hear from my armpits 3F02 I am not a lean mean spitting machine 3F03 The boys room is not a water park 3F04 None - Halloween Special 3F05 Indian burns are not our cultural heritage 3F06 None 3F08 Wedgies are unhealthy for children and other living things 3F31 I will only do this once a year

   ...which is once a year too many for clip shows

3F07 I will stop talking about the twelve inch pianist 3F10 I am not certified to remove asbestos 3F09 None 3F11 None 3F12 None 3F13 None 3F14 None 3F16 None 3F15 None 3F17 None 3F18 None 3F19 None 3F20 None 3F21 None 3F22 None 4F02 None - Halloween Special 3F23 I did not learn everything I need to know in kindergarten 4F03 I am not my long-lost twin 4F05 None 4F06 None 4F04 None 4F01 None

   During the episode, Lisa writes "I will not be a snickerpuss." (complete with period)

4F07 None 3F24 None 3G01 The truth is not out there

   A reference to "The X-Files"

4F08 I am not licensed to do anything 4F10 None 3G03 I will not hide the teacher's Prozac 4F12 None 4F11 None 4F14 None 4F13 I will not lie in front of the school bus with ketchup on my face

   Actually, this episode had no blackboard opening; Jason Fox drew this in the comic strip "FoxTrot" on the day this episode premiered - I just want to see who is "borrowing" my lists while removing things like the notes (and my name)

(Earlier editions of this list say that the strip appeared when 4F11 premiered; however, it actually appeared March 2, 1997, when 4F13 first aired) 4F15 None 4F09 None 4F16 A fire drill does not demand a fire 4F17 None 4F18 None 4F19 None 4F20 None - Simpsons Spin-Off Showcase 4F21 None 4F22 None 4F23 None 3G02 I no longer want my MTV 5F02 None - Halloween Special 5F01 Everyone is tired of that Richard Gere story 5F03 I did not invent Irish dancing 5F04 None 5F05 I will not tease Fatty 5F06 There was no Roman god named "Fartacus" 5F07 Rudolph's red nose is not alcohol-related 5F24 None 5F08 None 5F23 Shooting paintballs is not an art form 5F11 None 5F10 Pain is not the cleanser 5F12 Silly String is not a nasal spray 4F24 None 5F13 I was not told to do this 3G04 My butt does not deserve a website 5F14 I will not demand what I'm worth

   A reference to the holdout of the cast for more money

5F15 None 5F09 I will not mess with the opening credits

   This appeared in place of the couch opening; the rest of the family runs into the classroom

5F16 None 5F17 I am not the new Dalai Lama 5F18 I was not the inspiration for "Kramer"

   This was first shown three days after the last episode of "Seinfeld"

5F20 None 5F21 I will not file frivolous lawsuits 5F22 None AABF01 The Simpsons Halloween Special IX

   This was painted on the board in blood with a large brush

5F19 "butt.butt" is not my E-mail address

   Originally, "butt.com" appeared in place of "butt.butt", but it was changed as butt.com is an actual web site address; however, "butt.com" still appeared in Canada

AABF02 No one cares what my definition of "is" is

   Which is not quite true in President Clinton's case

AABF03 I will not scream for ice cream AABF04 I am not a licensed hairstylist AABF05 "The President did it" is not an excuse

   This was first shown the day after President Clinton became the first elected President to be impeached (Andrew Johnson, the only other President to be impeached, became President because he was Vice-President when Lincoln was killed)

AABF06 My mom is not dating Jerry Seinfeld AABF07 Sherri does not "got back" AABF08 I will not do the Dirty Bird

   The "dirty bird" is the "celebration dance" of the Atlanta Falcons, one of the teams in the 1999 Super Bowl

AABF09 No one wants to hear about my sciatica AABF11 Hillbillies are people too AABF10 Grammar is not a time of waste AABF12 Repeat of 9F20 AABF13 It does not suck to be you AABF14 I cannot absolve sins

   In the Moses story, Bart carves "I Will Not Deface" (actually, "I Well Knot D-Face") in hieroglyphics

AABF15 A trained ape could not teach gym AABF16 Loose teeth don't need my help AABF17 I have neither been there nor done that AABF18 Repeat of 3F01 AABF20 I'm so very tired AABF23 Fridays are not "pants optional" AABF22 Pork is not a verb AABF21 I am not the last Don BABF01 None - Halloween Special AABF19 I did not win the Nobel Fart Prize BABF02 I won't not use no double negatives BABF03 Repeat of 3F05 BABF05 I can't see dead people

   A reference to the movie "The Sixth Sense" (coincidentally, Haley Joel Osment, who played the boy in the movie who could see dead people, was at one time the voice of Curly on "Hey Arnold!", which was created by Matt Groening's brother-in-law)

BABF07 I will not sell my kidney on eBay

   Unlike most, if not all, of Bart's other blackboard quotes, this one was not all caps (the "e" in "eBay" was small); also, Lisa writes "I will not do math in class" during the show

BABF04 I will not create art from dung

   A reference to an art exhibit in New York City that included a portrait of the Virgin Mary splattered with dung

BABF06 I will stop phoning it in BABF08 Class clown is not a paid position BABF09 Substitute teachers are not scabs BABF10 My suspension was not "mutual" BABF11 A belch is not an oral report BABF12 Dodgeball stops at the gym door BABF13 "Non-Flammable" is not a challenge BABF14 I was not touched "there" by an angel BABF16 I am not here on a fartball scholarship BABF15 I will not dance on anyone's grave BABF18 I cannot hire a substitute student BABF19 I will not obey the voices in my head BABF21 None - Halloween Special BABF20 I will not plant subliminal messagores

   The parts in green appeared in green on the show

A reference to the "subliminal message" claim during the 2000 USA Presidential Election campaign; during a Republican commercial, the word "RAT" appeared briefly while Democrats were being mentioned BABF17 I will not surprise the incontinent CABF01 I am not the acting President

   A reference to the 2000 USA Presidential election, whose winner had still not been determined when this episode first aired

CABF04 I was not the sixth Beatle CABF02 I will only provide a urine sample when asked CABF03 The nurse is not dealing CABF06 Science class should not end in tragedy

   During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "I ain't not a dorkus"

BABF22 Network TV is not dead CABF05 I will not "let the dogs out" CABF08 I will not hide the teacher's medication CABF07 I will not publish the Principal's credit report CABF10 The hamster did not have "a full life" CABF12 I will not buy a Presidential pardon

   A reference to ex-President Clinton granting Presidential pardons to people who made donations/payments, which might be "a conflict of interest"

CABF09 "Temptation Island" was not a sleazy piece of crap

   A reference to a Fox television series where couples were sent to an island filled with singles to test their commitment

CABF11 I will not scare the Vice President

   A reference to USA Vice-President Dick Cheney being in the hospital with a heart condition

CABF13 I will not flush evidence CABF14 Fire is not the cleanser CABF15 Genetics is not an excuse CABF16 Today is not Mothra's day

   Originally aired on Mother's Day (May 13), 2001

CABF17 I should not be twenty-one by now

   He would be 21 in the 12th season if he was 10 in the first season, which ended in 1990, and he aged normally

CABF19 None - Halloween Special CABF22 Nobody reads these anymore CABF20 A burp in a jar is not a science project CABF18 Fun does not have a size CABF21 I am not Charlie Brown on acid DABF02 I do not have a cereal named after me

   When this episode first aired, he did - Bart Simpson Peanut Butter Chocolate Crunch (along with Homer's Cinnamon Donut Cereal)

DABF01 None DABF03 None DABF05 None DABF04 I will not bite the hand that feeds me Butterfingers

   Probably a response to a gag in DABF03 when Butterfingers (which featured commercials with the Simpsons in them at one time) were thrown into a fire but wouldn't burn, and the response was "Even the fire doesn't want them"

DABF06 The giving tree is not a chump DABF07 Making Milhouse cry is not a science project DABF09 None DABF08 Vampire is not a career choice DABF10 None DABF11 None DABF12 None DABF13 None DABF14 I will never lie about being cancelled again

   A reference to Matt Groening commenting in an interview that the show was "closer to winding it up" (and then claiming he was "misquoted and misunderstood")

DABF15 None DABF16 None DABF17 None DABF19 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode DABF22 None DABF20 Fish do not like coffee DABF18 None DABF21 Milhouse did not test cootie positive EABF01 None EABF02 None EABF03 None EABF04 This school does not need a "regime change" EABF06 SpongeBob is not a contraceptive EABF05 I will not

   Bart then chops up the blackboard with an axe

EABF07 None EABF08 None EABF09 None EABF10 None EABF11 None EABF12 None EABF13 None EABF14 My pen is not a booger launcher EABF15 None EABF16 Sandwiches should not contain sand EABF17 None EABF21 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode EABF18 None EABF20 None EABF22 None EABF19 None FABF01 Over forty & single is not funny FABF02 None FABF03 None FABF04 None FABF05 None FABF06 None FABF07 None FABF09 None FABF08 I will not speculate on how hot teacher used to be FABF10 None FABF11 None FABF12 None FABF14 None FABF15 None FABF13 None FABF17 None FABF18 None FABF23 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode FABF20 None FABF19 None FABF22 Poking a dead raccoon is not research FABF21 None FABF16 None GABF01 None GABF02 None GABF03 None GABF04 None

   However, this episode did have a disclaimer at the beginning when Fox first aired it: "This episode contains discussions of same sex marriage. Parental discretion is advised."

GABF05 Beer in a milk carton is not milk GABF06 None GABF07 None GABF08 None GABF12 None GABF10 None GABF11 None

   There was a variation on the show's opening during the show, but instead of a chalkboard, Bart is at a vending machine

GABF13 None GABF14 None GABF15 A booger is not a bookmark GABF09 None GABF18 Does any kid still do this anymore? GABF16 None GABF19 None GABF17 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode GABF20 None GABF21 None GABF22 None HABF02 None HABF01 None HABF03 I am not smarter than the President HABF04 Teacher was not dumped -- it was mutual HABF05 None HABF06 None HABF07 None HABF08 I will not laminate dog doo

   The live-action opening used the first time this episode aired in the USA repeated the 9F10 opening

HABF09 I will not flip the classroom upside down

   The classroom was flipped upside-down (well, rotated 180 degrees) while he was writing this

HABF10 None HABF11 None HABF12 None HABF13 I will not leak the plot of the movie HABF14 Je ne parle pas Français HABF16 Have a great summer, everyone HABF15 None HABF18 None HABF20 None

   During the episode, Principal Skinner writes "A baby beat me up"

HABF17 None - "Treehouse of Horror" episode HABF21 We are not all naked under our clothes HABF19 None HABF22 None JABF02 None JABF01 Frankincense is not a monster JABF03 None JABF05 None JABF04 None JABF07 None

   During the episode, Bart writes, "So Long Suckers"

JABF09 None