Duffless/Quotes
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Marge: Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project.
Homer: Yes, syrup is better than jelly.
- Homer: [yawns] Well, time to go to work.
- Homer's Brain: Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour.
- Homer: Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan.
- Homer's Brain: Heh-heh-heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, and back up] Well, off to the plant.
- Homer: Then to the Duff Brewery.
- Homer's Brain: Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it?
- Homer: [panicky] I gotta think of a lie fast!
- Marge: Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery?
- Homer: GAAAAAAGH! [runs off]
- Tour Guide: Now, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control.
- Phil: Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine.
- Barney: Lemme just say, you're goin' a great job, Phil.
- Phil: [distracted] Hey thanks a lot, that makes it all worthwhile.
- Homer: Mmm... Gummi Beer. [eats gummi. Walks foward at Barney drinking Duff Dark] Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough.
- Barney: Are you crazy?! We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Du– Ooowwhh... [collaspes]
Chief Wiggum: Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA.
Marge: Oh my God! He's dead?!
Chief Wiggum: Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up.
Mrs. Phillips: My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI?
Chief Wiggum: Um... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.
Principal Skinner: Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.
Lisa: I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids.
Bart: The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence?
Lisa: The very same.
Lionel Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!
Homer: [singing] W, X, Y, and Z
Now I know my ABCs
Won't you come and play with me?
Eddie: Flawless.
Lou: We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."
Homer: "To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse." Uh... Thou shalt not... Dawoh..! [Homer throws a rock at the spider's head]
Homer: Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!
Marge: Homie, I'd like you to do something for me.
Homer: You name it.
Marge: I want you to give up beer for a month.
Homer: You got it. No deer for a month.
Marge: Did you say beer, or deer?
Homer: [long pause] Deer.
Homer: All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
(Marge turns off the light and Homer opens a can, audibly)
Marge: What was that noise?
Homer: I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."
Homer: I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
Judge: Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alch-Anon meetings.
Homer: Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record.
Judge: No.
Lisa: What have you done with my report?
Bart: I've hidden it. To find it you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than–
Lisa: Got it.
Bart: D'oh!
Moe: You'll be back! And so will you! And you! And you.
Barney: Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close I'd never leave.
Lisa: [echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize!
Bart: Why are you saying that?
Lisa: Just screwing with your mind. [laughs and runs off]
Lisa: [laughs wickedly]
Marge: What's so funny?
Lisa: Oh, uh... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head. [laughs nervously]
Homer: Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive.
Barney: I'm fine.
Homer: Okay, you leave me no option! [punches Barney]
Barney: Ow! What was that for?
Homer: I'm trying to knock you out! [tries harder with a tire iron]
Barney: Ow! Cut it out. [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! All right, here, take the keys. [hands Homer the keys]
Lisa: I want the most intelligent hamster you've got.
Pet Shop Clerk: OK. [reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor.
Lisa: How can a hamster write mysteries?
Pet Shop Clerk: Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward.
Lisa: Aw, c'mon.
Pet Shop Clerk: Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?
Lisa: [writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: "Is my brother dumber than a hamster?"
Bart: Hey Lis, look what I can do! [inserts his fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it] Mmmph... doggone it.
Homer: I'm here for the Alch-Anon meeting.
Rev. Lovejoy: Mm-hm. Third door on your left. [Jasper walks up] Coping with senility?
Jasper: [gruff] No! I'm here for microwave cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.
Rev. Lovejoy: Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again.
Homer: AAAGH! [jumps out the window]
Homer [singing]: When I was 17,
I drank some very good beer
I drank some very good beer,
I purchased with a fake ID
My name was Brian McGee
I stayed up listening to Queen
When I was 17.
Milhouse: Behold gravity in all its glory. [pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then it stops]
Edna: Pretty lame, Milhouse.
Marge: I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother.
Lisa: Please, mother, it's purely in the interest of science.
Lisa's Brain: That'll learn 'im to bust my tomater.
Rev. Lovejoy: So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here.
Homer: The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into a football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers.
Rev. Lovejoy: I cast thee out!
Moe: C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy.
Barney: But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of–
Moe: Pipe down, rub-a-dub!
