Editing Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes

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{{episodePrevNextQuo|Lisa's First Word|Marge vs. the Monorail}}

{{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
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{{qf|[[Bart]]}} ''[at breakfast]'' Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
{{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Sure. ''[Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"]'' Bart, that's gross!
{{qf|Bart}} You're right. Let's bury them at sea. ''[scoops it into Lisa's cereal]''
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{{qf|Bart}} What's wrong, Dad?
{{qf|[[Homer]]}} ''[strained from feeling chest pains]'' You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... ''[back to normal]'' Ooh, bacon!
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{{qf|[[Marge]]}} Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
{{qf|Homer}} It can only be one thing. ''[imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]''
{{qf|Marge}} ''[hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal]'' Here you go.
{{qf|Homer}} What the hell is this?
{{qf|Marge}} Nice, healthy oatmeal.
{{qf|Homer}} ''[sarcastic]'' Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. ''[dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]''
{{qf|Marge}} No there isn't.
{{qf|Homer}} Trust me. ''[starts eating bacon.]''
{{qf|Bart}} Dad, there's a bug on that.
{{qf|Homer}} Naah. ''[keeps on eating.]''
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:''[At the gas station]''
{{qf|Homer}} I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
:''[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]''
{{qf|Attendant}} It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought it was my transmission. ''[drives away]''
{{qf|Boy}} Where's he going?
{{qf|Attendant}} You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
{{qf|Boy}} We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
{{qf|Attendant}} You're a dull boy, Billy.
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:''[Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]''
{{qf|[[Mr. Burns]]}} Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! ''[chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly]'' There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
{{qf|[[Smithers]]}} Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ''[angry]'' Damn their oily hides!!
:''[He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Bring him to me!!
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:''[Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...and goodbye! You're fired!
{{qf|Homer}} ''[gags; his heart beats faster]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down again]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...at goofing off!
{{qf|Homer}} Uuurgh! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
{{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down once more]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...a grave for!
{{qf|Homer}} Uuurrgghh!! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Your indolence is inefficacious!
{{qf|Homer}} Huh? ''[stares blankly; his heart beats normally]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} That means you're terrible!!
{{qf|Homer}} Aaaaarrrggghhh!! ''[his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Hmm?
{{qf|Smithers}} ''[examines Homer]'' Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. ''[as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]''
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
{{qf|Homer's astral body}} Mmm... ham. ''[returns to Homer's physical body]''
{{qf|Smithers}} No, wait. He's alive.
{{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
{{qf|Homer}} D'oh!
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{{qf|Marge}} ''[answers the phone]'' Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! ''[leaves]''
{{qf|[[Patty]]}} Oh my God.
{{qf|[[Selma]]}} What?
{{qf|Patty}} 5 cents off wax paper.
{{qf|Selma}} ''[slaps her cheek in amazement]''
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{{qf|Homer}} ''[to Dr. Hibbert]'' Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
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{{qf|Marge}} Can't you do something for him?
{{qf|[[Dr. Hibbert]]}} Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
{{qf|Homer}} What an age we live in!
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:''[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]''
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
{{qf|Nurse}} But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good Lord!
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{{qf|Homer}} Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
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{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
{{qf|Homer}} Say it in English, Doc.
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} You're going to need open heart surgery.
{{qf|Homer}} Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
{{qf|Homer}} Could you dumb it down a shade?
{{qf|Marge}} Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
{{qf|Homer}} Aaarrrggh! ''[collapses]''
{{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
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{{qf|Marge}} Don't you have a health plan at work?
{{qf|Homer}} We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
{{qf|Marge}} D'oh!
{{qf|Homer}} Don't worry, Marge. [[USA|America]]'s health care system is second only to [[Japan]], [[Canada]], [[Sweden]], [[Great Britain]], well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in [[Paraguay]]!
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:''[Homer's at [[Merry Widow Insurance Co.]]]''
{{qf|Clerk}} Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
{{qf|Homer}} Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- ''[realizes]'' I mean ask away.
{{qf|Clerk}} Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
{{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
{{qf|Clerk}} All right. Here's your policy.
{{qf|Homer}} Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
{{qf|Clerk}} Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
{{qf|Homer}} ''[takes pen] ''Oh, yeah, I-- ''[gags]'' ... must... sign... policy!
{{qf|Clerk}} ''[pulling policy]'' I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
{{qf|Homer}} I made an H!
{{qf|Clerk}} That doesn't count!
{{qf|Homer}} Looks like an X.
:''[The clerk manages to pull it away.]''
{{qf|Clerk}} We better get you to a hospital.
{{qf|Homer}} Can I have a free calendar?
{{qf|Clerk}} OK.
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{{qf|Homer}} Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
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:''[with [[Reverend Lovejoy]]]''
{{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? ''[Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]''
:''[with Rabbi Krustofsky]''
{{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000?
{{qf|[[Rabbi Krustofsky]]}} Hmm?
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{{qf|Bart}} Any luck, Dad?
{{qf|Homer}} No, but the rabbi gave me this. ''[spins a dreidel]''
{{qf|Bart}} What is that?
{{qf|Homer}} Son, it's called a droodel.
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{{qf|Bart}} Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
{{qf|Lisa}} We feel neither highs or lows.
{{qf|Homer}} Really? What's it like?
{{qf|Lisa}} Ehh. ''[shrugs]''
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{{qf|Bart}} Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
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{{qf|Homer}} Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
{{qf|Bart}} What about [[Abraham Lincoln]]?
{{qf|Homer}} He sold poison milk to school children.
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{{qf|Homer}} Bed goes up, bed goes down...
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{{qf|[[Ned]]}} ''[praying]'' Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
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{{qf|[[Grampa]]}} They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
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{{qf|[[Barney]]}} When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
{{qf|Homer}} Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
{{qf|Barney}} What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
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{{qf|[[Moe]]}} Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
{{qf|Homer}} Thanks, Moe. ''[drinks it]''
{{qf|Moe}} You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
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{{qf|Doctor}} Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. ''[crack/gush]''
{{qf|[[Dr. Nick]]}} ''[recoils]'' Ohh, no! Blood! Bleh!
{{qf|Doctor}} Next, make an incision in the coronary artery –
{{qf|Host}} And we are back with more of ''People Who Look Like Things''.
:''[Show a man with a cash register head; an old man with a palm tree; a broom head; a pumpkinhead; and a kettle head.]''
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Oh no, no, someone taped over the end of this!
{{qf|Pumpkinhead}} All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
{{qf|Host}} And a new candle now and then?
{{qf|Pumpkinhead}} Yes, and a new – no!
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{{qf|Homer}} Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
{{qf|Homer}} Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
{{qf|Homer}} ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
{{qf|Bart}} Thanks, Dad.
{{qf|Homer}} And Lisa...
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
{{qf|Homer}} I guess this is the time to tell you...
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
{{qf|Homer}} ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. ''[realizes]'' Bart!
{{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]''
{{qf|Homer}} But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
{{qf|Lisa}} Oh, Dad.'' [hugs him]''
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{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Hi, everybody!
{{qf|Crowd}} Hi, Dr. Nick!
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
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{{qf|Moe}} Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
{{qf|Barney}} How long has it been?
{{qf|Moe}} 6 seconds.
{{qf|Barney}} Do we have to start over?
{{qf|Moe}} Hell no.
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{{qf|[[Apu]]}} Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
{{qf|Customer}} Give me some jerky.
{{qf|Apu}} Would you like some vodka with that?
{{qf|Customer}} Oh, what the hell, sure.
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{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
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{{qf|Dr. Nick}} I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? ''[removes surgical mask]'' And where?
{{qf|Lisa}} ''[from the amphitheater]'' Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!
{{qf|Dr. Nick}} Thanks, little girl! ''[puts mask back on and starts singing]'' The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.
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{{qf|Lisa}} All right, Dad!
{{qf|Bart}} You rule intensive care!

:{{Season 4|Q}}