Who Shot Mr. Burns? (Part One)/Quotes
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- Superintendent Chalmers: Well Skinner, you have done it this time. Sitting atop an oil reserve!
- Seymour Skinner: Any idea what to do with the money.
- Superintendent Chalmers: Well, we could give every student a full college scholarship.
- Both laugh.
- Seymour Skinner: No seriously, something that will actually be put to use.
- Grampa: (noticing the dog with a cone on walking past) Hey, the lamp's runnin' away.
- Bart: That's my dog, man.
- Grampa: So long lamp.
- Willie: (ripping off his shirt) "I'LL KILL THAT MR. BURNS!!!! And uhhh, wound ... that Mr. Smithers.
- EPA Man: As long as Mr. Burns is pumping oil, this bar is closed.
- Moe: Damn Burns! Just let me get one thing.
- (Moe pulls his makeshift shotgun from behind the bar and cocks it)
- Barney: Me too! (pulls out a .38 revolver) Ahh ... now there's the inflated sense of self-esteem!
- Lunchlady Doris: The cafeteria staff is complaining about mice in the kitchen. I want to hire a new staff! (This was approved)
- Bart: Skinner said my idea was 'unplausible'.
- Lisa: Bart, even if they were able to resurrect The Three Stooges, I doubt they'd want to hang out with you.
- Bart: Yeah, they probably got families or somethin'.
- Homer: although [Mr. Burns] did send us this thank you card.
- Lisa': (reading aloud) Marge, Bart, Lisa and Maggie. Dad this doesn't have your name on it.
- Homer: (angry monotone voice) Kids, could you step outside for a sec?
- (Bart and Lisa run out of the room)
- (Homer takes a deep breath, then shouts) FU-
- (Homer's dirty word is cut off by a pipe organ. Shocked neighbors look in the Simpsons house)
- Ned Flanders: Dear Lord, that's the loudest profanity I ever heard!
- Smithers: Well sir, you have certainly vanquished your foes. Are you happy?
- Mr. Burns: Not while there is a cheap, plentiful source of energy that is not supplied by me. But now I will deal with you?
- Smithers: What are you talking about?
- Mr. Burns: Since the dawn of time, man has yearned to destroy the sun. I will do the next best thing; block it out!
- Mr. Burns shows a minature version of the sunblocker machine that darkens a scale model of Springfield.
- Smithers: Sir, this is insane! Darkness is a boon for muggers; owls will bother us with incessant hooting; the town's sundial will be rendered useless. I want no part of this!
- Mr. Burns: Smithers! There has been a sharp decline in the quality and quantity of your toadying! You are to apologize right now!
- Waylon Smithers does an action unheard of; he resists Burns.
- Smithers: Ulp! No! No Monty! Not until you come back from the brink of insanity!
- Mr. Burns: That does it Smithers! You are fired!
