Difference between revisions of "Selma's Choice/Quotes"
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{{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Marge vs. the Monorail|Brother from the Same Planet}} | {{EpisodePrevNextQuo|Marge vs. the Monorail|Brother from the Same Planet}} | ||
| − | '''[[Troy McClure]]''': Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore! | + | '''[[Troy McClure]]''': Come to [[Duff Gardens]], where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore! |
---- | ---- | ||
'''[[Homer]]''': Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? | '''[[Homer]]''': Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? | ||
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'''Homer''': And I'm a college student! | '''Homer''': And I'm a college student! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Marge''': Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on. | + | '''[[Marge]]''': Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on. |
'''Bart''': Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead? | '''Bart''': Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead? | ||
| Line 16: | Line 16: | ||
'''Marge''': No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. | '''Marge''': No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. | ||
| − | '''Bart''': [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is. | + | '''Bart''': ''[thinks for a moment; then shudders]'' Oh yeah, there she is. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Marge''': The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day. | '''Marge''': The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day. | ||
| Line 24: | Line 24: | ||
'''Bart''': No use complaining about something you can't change. | '''Bart''': No use complaining about something you can't change. | ||
| − | '''Homer''' (whining) | + | '''Homer:''' ''(whining)'' But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now! |
'''Marge''': Homer, quit pouting. | '''Marge''': Homer, quit pouting. | ||
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'''Marge''': Homer! | '''Marge''': Homer! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Patty''': I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. | + | '''[[Patty]]''': I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. |
| − | '''Selma''': Her legend will live forever. | + | '''[[Selma]]''': Her legend will live forever. |
'''Homer's Brain''': Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. | '''Homer's Brain''': Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. | ||
| Line 58: | Line 58: | ||
'''Selma''': He's hugging us. What do we do? | '''Selma''': He's hugging us. What do we do? | ||
| − | '''Patty''': Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver. | + | '''Patty''': Just close your eyes and think of [[MacGyver]]. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Selma''': Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep. | '''Selma''': Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | ( | + | :''(At Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket.)'' |
'''Lisa''': Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better. | '''Lisa''': Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better. | ||
| − | '''Bart''': (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it. | + | '''Bart''': ''(in a raspy voice from behind the casket)'' Don't worry about it. |
| − | (Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs) | + | :''(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs.)'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Lionel Hutz''': Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh? | + | '''[[Lionel Hutz]]''': Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh? |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Aunt Gladys''': I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape] | + | '''[[Gladys Gurney|Aunt Gladys]]''': I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and... ''[Homer fast-forwards the tape]'' |
'''Marge''': Homer! | '''Marge''': Homer! | ||
| − | '''Homer''': All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding] | + | '''Homer''': All in favor of skipping the poem? ''[everyone but Marge raises their hands]'' Thank you. ''[continues fast-forwarding]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Aunt Gladys''': Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. | + | '''Aunt Gladys''': Now let's get down to business. ''(Voice changes to Lionel Hutz)'' To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. |
'''Marge''': MR. HUTZ! | '''Marge''': MR. HUTZ! | ||
| Line 84: | Line 84: | ||
'''Lionel Hutz''': You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would! | '''Lionel Hutz''': You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Aunt Gladys''' | + | '''Aunt Gladys''': To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to [[Jay Leno]]. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them. |
'''Homer''': [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them] | '''Homer''': [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them] | ||
| Line 90: | Line 90: | ||
'''Aunt Gladys''': To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub. | '''Aunt Gladys''': To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub. | ||
| − | '''Mrs. Bouvier''': Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her? | + | '''[[Mrs. Bouvier]]''': Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her? |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Selma''': Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives. | '''Selma''': Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives. | ||
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'''Patty''': Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow. | '''Patty''': Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | [after a poor date with Hans Moleman] | + | :''[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]'' |
| − | '''Selma''': Get out of my car. [drives off] | + | '''Selma''': Get out of my car. ''[drives off]'' |
| − | '''Hans Moleman''': This isn't my house. | + | '''[[Hans Moleman]]''': This isn't my house. |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Marge''': Selma! You're back from your date already? | '''Marge''': Selma! You're back from your date already? | ||
| − | '''Selma''': Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby. | + | '''Selma''': Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. ''[sighs]'' I guess I'll never have a baby. |
| − | '''Lisa''': Aunt Selma, this may seem a little | + | '''Lisa''': Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? |
| − | '''Homer''': [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that. | + | '''Homer''': ''[laughs]'' I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. ''[Marge whispers in his ear]'' I knew that. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Marge''': "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs. | + | '''Marge''': "101 Frozen Pops." ''[turns the page]'' A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs. |
'''Selma''': I checked. It's not Horshack. | '''Selma''': I checked. It's not Horshack. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Bart''' [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] | + | '''Bart:''' ''[after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed]'' Oh, man, Dad's dead. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Marge''' [to Selma] | + | '''Marge:''' ''[to Selma]'' I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice. |
'''Selma''': We'll have fun, won't we kids? | '''Selma''': We'll have fun, won't we kids? | ||
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'''Selma''': That's the spirit. | '''Selma''': That's the spirit. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Lisa''': [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction. | + | '''Lisa''': ''[reading from the pamphlet]'' The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction. |
'''Selma''': Eh, there's plenty more where that came from. | '''Selma''': Eh, there's plenty more where that came from. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Abe Lincoln Robot''': Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. ''[drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head] | + | '''Abe Lincoln Robot''': Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. ''[drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing]'' We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! ''[crushes a beer can on his head]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
:'''Lisa''': This is a disgrace. | :'''Lisa''': This is a disgrace. | ||
| Line 134: | Line 134: | ||
:'''Bart''': Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Ahh! ''[robot Washington glances evilly behind Bart, his pupils become crimson]'' | :'''Bart''': Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Ahh! ''[robot Washington glances evilly behind Bart, his pupils become crimson]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Bart''': [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady] Wow! | + | '''Bart''': ''[reading]'' "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." ''[puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]'' Wow! |
'''Selma''': You're charming the pants off of me. | '''Selma''': You're charming the pants off of me. | ||
| − | '''Bart''': [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma? | + | '''Bart''': ''[removes his glasses]'' What did you say, Aunt Selma? |
'''Selma''': I said take off those damn glasses! | '''Selma''': I said take off those damn glasses! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Marge''': [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him] | + | '''Marge''': ''[to Homer]'' You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. ''[hands it to him]'' |
'''Homer''': "''[[The Erotic Adventures of Hercules]]''". | '''Homer''': "''[[The Erotic Adventures of Hercules]]''". | ||
| − | '''Marge''': With Norman Fell as Zeus. | + | '''Marge''': With [[Norman Fell]] as Zeus. |
'''Homer''': Woo-hoo! | '''Homer''': Woo-hoo! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | :'''Lisa''': They're all around me ... no way out ... Hahaha-hahi – | + | :'''Lisa''': They're all around me... no way out... Hahaha-hahi – No way out, I tell you! |
| − | :'''Selma''': What's wrong? Er, you just put your head right here ... Grrrrrrrrrrr— | + | :'''Selma''': What's wrong? Er, you just put your head right here... Grrrrrrrrrrr— |
:'''Lisa''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!''''' Ha-ha! Ha-hih! | :'''Lisa''': '''''AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!''''' Ha-ha! Ha-hih! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| Line 161: | Line 161: | ||
'''Selma''': Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome. | '''Selma''': Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Officer''' [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] | + | '''Officer:''' ''[with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery]'' We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. |
| − | '''Lisa''': [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen! | + | '''Lisa''': ''[raises her arms]'' I am the Lizard Queen! |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Homer''': Come to Homercles! | '''Homer''': Come to Homercles! | ||
| − | '''Marge''': [laughs] I can't, the beans'll burn. | + | '''Marge''': ''[laughs]'' I can't, the beans'll burn. |
| − | '''Homer''': Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder] | + | '''Homer''': Homercles cares not for beans! ''[lifts up Marge on her shoulder]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Homer''': Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens? | '''Homer''': Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens? | ||
| − | '''Lisa''': Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills] | + | '''Lisa''': Can't talk, coming down. ''[takes some pills]'' |
---- | ---- | ||
'''Selma''': Oh, Jub-Jub. | '''Selma''': Oh, Jub-Jub. | ||
'''Patty''': When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. | '''Patty''': When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin. | ||
| − | + | ||
{{Season 4|Q}} | {{Season 4|Q}} | ||
Revision as of 10:44, November 12, 2018
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Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!
Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
Bart and Lisa: We're under six.
Homer: And I'm a college student!
Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
Bart: Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead?
Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.
Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
Lisa: I understand.
Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.
Homer: (whining) But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
Marge: Homer, quit pouting.
Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
Bart & Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..
Bart: Which old witch?
Homer: The wicked witch!
Marge: Homer!
Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
Selma: Her legend will live forever.
Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
Marge: HOMER!
Homer: Wha--? D'oh!
Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?
Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
- (At Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket.)
Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
- (Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs.)
Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and... [Homer fast-forwards the tape]
Marge: Homer!
Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]
Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
Marge: MR. HUTZ!
Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!
Aunt Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]
Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
- [after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off]
Hans Moleman: This isn't my house.
Marge: Selma! You're back from your date already?
Selma: Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.
Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.
Bart: [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, man, Dad's dead.
Marge: [to Selma] I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.
Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?
Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
Selma: That's the spirit.
Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.
Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
- Lisa: This is a disgrace.
- Selma: Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. Bart!
- Bart: Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Ahh! [robot Washington glances evilly behind Bart, his pupils become crimson]
Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady] Wow!
Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.
Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!
Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.
Homer: Woo-hoo!
- Lisa: They're all around me... no way out... Hahaha-hahi – No way out, I tell you!
- Selma: What's wrong? Er, you just put your head right here... Grrrrrrrrrrr—
- Lisa: AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Ha-ha! Ha-hih!
- Selma: Can't ya do something?!
- Surly: Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy – Surly!
- Selma: Hm, sorry, Surly.
- Surly: Shut up.
Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.
Officer: [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
Homer: Come to Homercles!
Marge: [laughs] I can't, the beans'll burn.
Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]
Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]
Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.
Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
