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Difference between revisions of "Selma's Choice/Quotes"

Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
< Selma's Choice
Line 1: Line 1:
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{{TabQ
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'''Troy McClure''': Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!
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|episode=Selma's_Choice
+
----
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}}
+
'''Homer''': Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
−
:'''Homer''': Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?
 
−
:'''Bart & Lisa'''{in unison}: We are under six!
 
−
:'''Homer''': And I am a college student.
 
−
<hr width=50%/>
 
−
:'''Marge''': Kids, I have some tragic news. Your Great Aunt Gladys has...passed on.
 
−
:'''Bart''': Gladys? The one with a limp and an eyepatch, huh?
 
−
:'''Marge''': No, Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
 
−
:''Bart shivers to himself as he remembers some unexplained encounter with the women of his family.''
 
−
<hr width=50%/>
 
−
:'''Homer''': But I want to go to Duff Gardens! Right now!
 
−
:'''Marge''': Homer! Stop pouting!
 
−
:'''Homer''': I am not pouting, I am...mourning.
 
−
:'''Homer'''{talking to himself in a low tone}" Stupid dead woman!
 
−
<hr width=50%/>
 
  
−
:'''[[Lisa Simpson|Lisa]]: (After drinking tainted water)''': I am the Lizard Queen!
+
'''Bart and Lisa''': We're under six.
  
−
<hr width=50%/>
+
'''Homer''': And I'm a college student!
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.
  
−
:'''[[Troy McClure]]''': Hey, Lance Murdock, you just jumped sixteen blazing school buses. What are you going to do now?
+
'''Bart''': Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead?
−
:'''[[Lance Murdock]]''': I'm going to... Duff... Gardens.
 
  
−
<hr width=50%/>
+
'''Marge''': No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.
  
−
:'''[[Groundskeeper Willie]] (watching at the video of Selma)''': Ough, back to the loch with you, Nessie.
+
'''Bart''': [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.
  
−
<hr width=50%/>
+
'''Lisa''': I understand.
−
:''Bart is looking at the trinkets for sale at the Duff Gardens gift shop.''
 
−
:'''Bart''': Hey! Beer googles! Wonder what these do?
 
−
:''Bart dons a pair of beer googles and looks at Selma, who is transformed into an attractive woman with a sexy voice.''
 
−
:'''Beautiful woman''': Hey there handsome, I only have one request of you.
 
−
:'''Bart''': Whoa mama! Anything for you! What did you say?
 
−
:''Barts doffs beer googles and Selma is shown as her normal ugly self with the gnarly voice.''
 
−
:'''Selma''': I said take off those ridiculous glasses!
 
−
<hr width=50%/>
 
  
−
:'''Surly''': Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy...Surly!
+
'''Bart''': No use complaining about something you can't change.
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:'''[[Selma Bouvier|Selma]]''': Oh, sorry Surly.
 
−
:'''Surly''': Shut up.
 
  
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<hr width=50%/>
+
'''Homer''' (whining): But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!
  
−
:'''Animatronic puppets in "The Little Land of Duff"''': [[Duff Beer]] for me! Duff Beer for you! I'll have a Duff, You have one too!
+
'''Marge''': Homer, quit pouting.
  
−
<hr width=50%/>
+
'''Homer''': I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.
 +
----
 +
'''Bart & Homer''': On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...
  
−
:'''[[Homer Simpson|Homer]] (before passing out in the car)''': Duff... Gardens... HURRAH! (car horn)
+
'''Marge''': If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!
  
 +
'''Homer''': Ding-dong the witch is dead..
 +
 +
'''Bart''': Which old witch?
 +
 +
'''Homer''': The wicked witch!
 +
 +
'''Marge''': Homer!
 +
----
 +
'''Patty''': I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': Her legend will live forever.
 +
 +
'''Homer's Brain''': Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.
 +
 +
'''Homer''': Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!
 +
 +
'''Marge''': HOMER!
 +
 +
'''Homer''': Wha--? D'oh!
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''': Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]
 +
 +
'''Selma''': He's hugging us. What do we do?
 +
 +
'''Patty''': Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.
 +
----
 +
'''Selma''': Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.
 +
----
 +
(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.
 +
 +
'''Bart''': (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.
 +
 +
(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)
 +
----
 +
'''Lionel Hutz''': Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?
 +
----
 +
'''Aunt Gladys''': I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]
 +
 +
'''Marge''': Homer!
 +
 +
'''Homer''': All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]
 +
----
 +
'''Aunt Gladys''': Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.
 +
 +
'''Marge''': MR. HUTZ!
 +
 +
'''Lionel Hutz''': You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!
 +
----
 +
'''Aunt Gladys''': Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.
 +
 +
'''Homer''': [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]
 +
----
 +
'''Aunt Gladys''': To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.
 +
 +
'''Mrs. Bouvier''': Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?
 +
----
 +
'''Selma''': Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.
 +
 +
'''Patty''': Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.
 +
----
 +
[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]
 +
 +
'''Selma''': Get out of my car. [drives off]
 +
 +
'''Hans Moleman''': This isn't my house.
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': Selma! You're back from your date already?
 +
 +
'''Selma''': Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptious, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
 +
 +
'''Homer''': [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': I checked. It's not Horshack.
 +
----
 +
'''Bart''' [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed]: Oh, man, Dad's dead.
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''' [to Selma]: I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': We'll have fun, won't we kids?
 +
 +
'''Bart''': To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': That's the spirit.
 +
----
 +
'''Lisa''': [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.
 +
----
 +
'''Abe Lincoln Robot''': Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': This is a disgrace.
 +
 +
'''Selma''': Hey, if it's this bad, it has to be educational.
 +
----
 +
'''Bart''': [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]
 +
 +
'''Selma''': You're charming the pants off of me.
 +
 +
'''Bart''': [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?
 +
 +
'''Selma''': I said take off those damn glasses!
 +
----
 +
'''Marge''': [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]
 +
 +
'''Homer''': "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".
 +
 +
'''Marge''': With Norman Fell as Zeus.
 +
 +
'''Homer''': Woo-hoo!
 +
----
 +
'''Selma''': Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.
 +
----
 +
'''Officer''' [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''': Come to Homercles!
 +
 +
'''Marge''': [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!
 +
 +
'''Homer''': Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]
 +
----
 +
'''Homer''': Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?
 +
 +
'''Lisa''': Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]
 +
----
 +
'''Selma''': Oh, Jub-Jub.
 +
 +
'''Patty''': When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.
 +
----
 
{{Season 4 Q}}
 
{{Season 4 Q}}
 
[[Category:Quotes]]
 
[[Category:Quotes]]

Revision as of 17:17, September 15, 2010

Troy McClure: Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!

Homer: Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth?

Bart and Lisa: We're under six.

Homer: And I'm a college student!

Marge: Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on.

Bart: Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead?

Marge: No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty.

Bart: [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

Marge: The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day.

Lisa: I understand.

Bart: No use complaining about something you can't change.

Homer (whining): But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now!

Marge: Homer, quit pouting.

Homer: I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

Bart & Homer: On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball...

Marge: If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral!

Homer: Ding-dong the witch is dead..

Bart: Which old witch?

Homer: The wicked witch!

Marge: Homer!

Patty: I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone.

Selma: Her legend will live forever.

Homer's Brain: Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman.

Homer: Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good!

Marge: HOMER!

Homer: Wha--? D'oh!

Homer: Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them]

Selma: He's hugging us. What do we do?

Patty: Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Selma: Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.

(at Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket)

Lisa: Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better.

Bart: (in a raspy voice from behind the casket) Don't worry about it.

(Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs)

Lionel Hutz: Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

Aunt Gladys: I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and...[Homer fast-forwards the tape]

Marge: Homer!

Homer: All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

Aunt Gladys: Now let's get down to business. (Voice changes to Lionel Hutz) To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000.

Marge: MR. HUTZ!

Lionel Hutz: You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

Aunt Gladys: Gladys: To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them.

Homer: [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]

Aunt Gladys: To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub.

Mrs. Bouvier: Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Selma: Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives.

Patty: Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.

[after a poor date with Hans Moleman]

Selma: Get out of my car. [drives off]

Hans Moleman: This isn't my house.

Marge: Selma! You're back from your date already?

Selma: Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby.

Lisa: Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptious, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?

Homer: [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.

Marge: "101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs.

Selma: I checked. It's not Horshack.

Bart [after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed]: Oh, man, Dad's dead.

Marge [to Selma]: I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice.

Selma: We'll have fun, won't we kids?

Bart: To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself.

Selma: That's the spirit.

Lisa: [reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction.

Selma: Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.

Abe Lincoln Robot: Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say, if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]

Lisa: This is a disgrace.

Selma: Hey, if it's this bad, it has to be educational.

Bart: [reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady]

Selma: You're charming the pants off of me.

Bart: [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma?

Selma: I said take off those damn glasses!

Marge: [to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him]

Homer: "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules".

Marge: With Norman Fell as Zeus.

Homer: Woo-hoo!

Selma: Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.

Officer [with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery]: We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium.

Lisa: [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!

Homer: Come to Homercles!

Marge: [laughs] I can't! The beans will burn!

Homer: Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]

Homer: Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens?

Lisa: Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]

Selma: Oh, Jub-Jub.

Patty: When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.

Template:Season 4 Q

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