Difference between revisions of "Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes"
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{{episodePrevNextQuo|Lisa's First Word|Marge vs. the Monorail}} | {{episodePrevNextQuo|Lisa's First Word|Marge vs. the Monorail}} | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Chief Wiggum]]}} This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless. | |
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| − | + | {{qf|[[Bart]]}} ''[at breakfast]'' Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims? | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Lisa]]}} Sure. ''[Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"]'' Bart, that's gross! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} You're right. Let's bury them at sea. ''[scoops it into Lisa's cereal]'' | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} What's wrong, Dad? | |
| + | {{qf|[[Homer]]}} ''[strained from feeling chest pains]'' You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... ''[back to normal]'' Ooh, bacon! | ||
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| − | ''' | + | {{qf|[[Marge]]}} Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you! |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} It can only be one thing. ''[imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]'' | |
| − | '''[ | + | {{qf|Marge}} ''[hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal]'' Here you go. |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} What the hell is this? | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} Nice, healthy oatmeal. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[sarcastic]'' Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. ''[dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} No there isn't. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Trust me. ''[starts eating bacon.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Bart}} Dad, there's a bug on that. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Naah. ''[keeps on eating.]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | :''[At the gas station]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise. | |
| − | + | :''[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Attendant}} It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. | |
| − | '' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought it was my transmission. ''[drives away]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|Boy}} Where's he going? | |
| − | '' | + | {{qf|Attendant}} You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? |
| − | + | {{qf|Boy}} We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?! | |
| − | '' | + | {{qf|Attendant}} You're a dull boy, Billy. |
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| − | ''[ | + | :''[Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Mr. Burns]]}} Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! ''[chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly]'' There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers? | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Smithers]]}} Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} ''[angry]'' Damn their oily hides!! | |
| − | + | :''[He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Bring him to me!! | |
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| − | + | :''[Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello... | |
| − | ''' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...and goodbye! You're fired! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[gags; his heart beats faster]'' | |
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled... | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down again]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...at goofing off! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Uuurgh! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Whew... ''[heart slows down once more]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} ...a grave for! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Uuurrgghh!! ''[clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Your indolence is inefficacious! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Huh? ''[stares blankly; his heart beats normally]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} That means you're terrible!! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Aaaaarrrggghhh!! ''[his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Hmm? | ||
| + | {{qf|Smithers}} ''[examines Homer]'' Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. ''[as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer's astral body}} Mmm... ham. ''[returns to Homer's physical body]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Smithers}} No, wait. He's alive. | ||
| + | {{qf|Mr. Burns}} Oh, good. Cancel the ham! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} D'oh! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} ''[answers the phone]'' Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! ''[leaves]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|[[Patty]]}} Oh my God. | |
| − | '' | + | {{qf|[[Selma]]}} What? |
| − | + | {{qf|Patty}} 5 cents off wax paper. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Selma}} ''[slaps her cheek in amazement]'' | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[to Dr. Hibbert]'' Remember your Hippopotamus oath! | |
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| − | ' | + | {{qf|Marge}} Can't you do something for him? |
| + | {{qf|[[Dr. Hibbert]]}} Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} What an age we live in! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | ''' | + | :''[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Nurse}} But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good Lord! | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly! | |
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| − | '''Homer''' | + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Say it in English, Doc. | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} You're going to need open heart surgery. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Could you dumb it down a shade? | ||
| + | {{qf|Marge}} Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well. | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Aaarrrggh! ''[collapses]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Hibbert}} I'm afraid it's now $40,000. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | ' | + | {{qf|Marge}} Don't you have a health plan at work? |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Marge}} D'oh! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Don't worry, Marge. [[USA|America]]'s health care system is second only to [[Japan]], [[Canada]], [[Sweden]], [[Great Britain]], well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in [[Paraguay]]! | |
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| − | ''' | + | :''[Homer's at [[Merry Widow Insurance Co.]]]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|Clerk}} Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions. | |
| − | '''Homer'' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- ''[realizes]'' I mean ask away. |
| − | + | {{qf|Clerk}} Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero. | |
| − | ''' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages". |
| − | + | {{qf|Clerk}} All right. Here's your policy. | |
| − | ''' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just-- |
| + | {{qf|Clerk}} Wait, you haven't signed it yet. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ''[takes pen] ''Oh, yeah, I-- ''[gags]'' ... must... sign... policy! | ||
| + | {{qf|Clerk}} ''[pulling policy]'' I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} I made an H! | ||
| + | {{qf|Clerk}} That doesn't count! | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Looks like an X. | ||
| + | :''[The clerk manages to pull it away.]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Clerk}} We better get you to a hospital. | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Can I have a free calendar? | ||
| + | {{qf|Clerk}} OK. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt! | |
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| − | '''Homer''': | + | :''[Homer with [[Reverend Lovejoy]]]'' |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anywho, can I have $40,000? ''[Lovejoy's eyes widen]'' | ||
| + | :''[cut to Homer with [[Rabbi Krustofsky]]]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have $40,000? | ||
| + | {{qf|Rabbi Krustofsky}} ''[raises eyebrows]'' Hmm? | ||
| + | :''[cut to Homer with [[Sadruddin Mabaradad]]]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Now I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it. ''[walks away]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Any luck, Dad? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} No, but the rabbi gave me this. ''[spins a dreidel]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} What is that? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Son, it's called a droodel. | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} We feel neither highs or lows. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Really? What's it like? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} Ehh. ''[shrugs]'' | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile. | |
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| − | ' | + | {{qf|Homer}} Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. |
| + | {{qf|Bart}} What about [[Abraham Lincoln]]? | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} He sold poison milk to school children. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Bed goes up, bed goes down... | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | ''' | + | {{qf|[[Ned]]}} ''[praying]'' Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4. |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Grampa]]}} They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it! | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Barney]]}} When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it! | |
| + | {{qf|Homer}} Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! | ||
| + | {{qf|Barney}} What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini? | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Moe]]}} Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Thanks, Moe. ''[drinks it]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Moe}} You know, Homer, that beer ain't free. | |
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---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''[[ | + | :''[At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]'' |
| − | + | {{qf|Doctor}} Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. ''[crack; gush]'' | |
| − | ''' | + | {{qf|[[Dr. Nick]]}} ''[recoils]'' Oh, no! Blood! Ugh! |
| − | + | {{qf|Doctor}} Next, make an incision in the coronary artery -- | |
| − | ''' | + | :''[The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]'' |
| + | {{qf|Host}} And we are back with more of ''People Who Look Like Things''. | ||
| + | :''[The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this! | ||
| + | {{qf|Pumpkinhead}} All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. | ||
| + | {{qf|Host}} ''[sly]'' And a new candle now and then? | ||
| + | {{qf|Pumpkinhead}} Yes, and a new c-- ''[realizes]'' no! ''[scowls as the audience laughs]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} Thanks, Dad. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} And Lisa... | |
| − | + | {{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]'' | |
| − | + | {{qf|Homer}} I guess this is the time to tell you... | |
| + | {{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. ''[realizes]'' Bart! | ||
| + | {{qf|Bart}} ''[whispers into Homer's ear]'' | ||
| + | {{qf|Homer}} But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you. | ||
| + | {{qf|Lisa}} Oh, Dad.'' [hugs him]'' | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} Hi, everybody! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Crowd}} Hi, Dr. Nick! | |
| − | + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved! | |
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| − | ' | + | {{qf|Moe}} Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. |
| − | + | {{qf|Barney}} How long has it been? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Moe}} 6 seconds. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Barney}} Do we have to start over? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Moe}} Hell no. | |
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|[[Apu]]}} Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Customer}} Give me some jerky. | |
| − | + | {{qf|Apu}} Would you like some vodka with that? | |
| − | + | {{qf|Customer}} Oh, what the hell, sure. | |
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| − | + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain! | |
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| − | '''Dr. Nick''' | + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? ''[removes surgical mask]'' And where? |
| + | {{qf|Lisa}} ''[from the amphitheater]'' Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!! | ||
| + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} Thanks, little girl! ''[puts mask back on and starts singing]'' The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh. | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | '''Dr. Nick | + | {{qf|Mr. McGreg}} ''[menacingly]'' Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me? |
| + | {{qf|Dr. Nick}} Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg! | ||
---- | ---- | ||
| − | + | {{qf|Lisa}} All right, Dad! | |
| + | {{qf|Bart}} You rule intensive care! | ||
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:{{Season 4|Q}} | :{{Season 4|Q}} | ||
Latest revision as of 12:17, March 15, 2022
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- Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
- Bart: [at breakfast] Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
- Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!
- Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]
- Bart: What's wrong, Dad?
- Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... [back to normal] Ooh, bacon!
- Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
- Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.]
- Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.
- Homer: What the hell is this?
- Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.
- Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink.]
- Marge: No there isn't.
- Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon.]
- Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
- Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating.]
- [At the gas station]
- Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
- [The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]
- Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
- Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]
- Boy: Where's he going?
- Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
- Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
- Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.
- [Mr. Burns, watching his bank of monitors, sees Homer eating donuts]
- Mr. Burns: Look at that pig, stuffing his face with donuts on *my time*! That's right, keep eating... Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [chuckles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there, Smithers?
- Smithers: Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers. They consider it murder.
- Mr. Burns: [angry] Damn their oily hides!!
- [He sees Homer sleeping, with his head on the donut box]
- Mr. Burns: Bring him to me!!
- [Homer stands worriedly in Mr. Burns' office; a "window" shows his heart beating fast]
- Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down]
- Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
- Homer: [gags; his heart beats faster]
- Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down again]
- Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!
- Homer: Uuurgh! [clutches his chest as his heart beats even faster]
- Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
- Homer: Whew... [heart slows down once more]
- Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
- Homer: Uuurrgghh!! [clutches his chest as his heart beats extremely fast]
- Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
- Homer: Huh? [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]
- Mr. Burns: That means you're terrible!!
- Homer: Aaaaarrrggghhh!! [his heart goes crazy; the "window" shatters and he collapses]
- Mr. Burns: Hmm?
- Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. [as he says this, Homer's astral body rises from Homer's physical body]
- Mr. Burns: Oh, dear. Send a ham to his widow.
- Homer's astral body: Mmm... ham. [returns to Homer's physical body]
- Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.
- Mr. Burns: Oh, good. Cancel the ham!
- Homer: D'oh!
- Marge: [answers the phone] Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
- Patty: Oh my God.
- Selma: What?
- Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.
- Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]
- Homer: [to Dr. Hibbert] Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
- Marge: Can't you do something for him?
- Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
- Homer: What an age we live in!
- [Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]
- Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
- Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
- Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!
- Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
- Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
- Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
- Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
- Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
- Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
- Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
- Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
- Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
- Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]
- Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
- Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?
- Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
- Marge: D'oh!
- Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
- [Homer's at Merry Widow Insurance Co.]
- Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
- Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
- Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
- Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
- Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.
- Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
- Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
- Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ... must... sign... policy!
- Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
- Homer: I made an H!
- Clerk: That doesn't count!
- Homer: Looks like an X.
- [The clerk manages to pull it away.]
- Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.
- Homer: Can I have a free calendar?
- Clerk: OK.
- Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
- [Homer with Reverend Lovejoy]
- Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there blah-blah-blahing, I'm usually doodling or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Well, anywho, can I have $40,000? [Lovejoy's eyes widen]
- [cut to Homer with Rabbi Krustofsky]
- Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyway, can I have $40,000?
- Rabbi Krustofsky: [raises eyebrows] Hmm?
- [cut to Homer with Sadruddin Mabaradad]
- Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best... aw, forget it. [walks away]
- Bart: Any luck, Dad?
- Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
- Bart: What is that?
- Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.
- Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
- Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
- Homer: Really? What's it like?
- Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]
- Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
- Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
- Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
- Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.
- Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...
- Ned: [praying] Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
- Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
- Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
- Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
- Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
- Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
- Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]
- Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
- [At the medical library, Dr. Nick Riviera watches a video about how to do a coronary bypass]
- Doctor: Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crack; gush]
- Dr. Nick: [recoils] Oh, no! Blood! Ugh!
- Doctor: Next, make an incision in the coronary artery --
- [The screen fritzes into a cheesy talk show]
- Host: And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
- [The guests are men with heads resembling a cash register, a palm tree, a sweeping brush, a pumpkin and a coffee pot, respectively]
- Dr. Nick: Oh, no! No! Someone taped over the end of this!
- Pumpkinhead: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
- Host: [sly] And a new candle now and then?
- Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new c-- [realizes] no! [scowls as the audience laughs]
- Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this.
- Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
- Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
- Bart: Thanks, Dad.
- Homer: And Lisa...
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!
- Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
- Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
- Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]
- Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
- Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
- Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
- Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
- Barney: How long has it been?
- Moe: 6 seconds.
- Barney: Do we have to start over?
- Moe: Hell no.
- Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
- Customer: Give me some jerky.
- Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
- Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.
- Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
- Dr. Nick: I know I'm supposed to cut something, but what? [removes surgical mask] And where?
- Lisa: [from the amphitheater] Hey! The incision in the coronary artery must be made below the blockage! Below!!
- Dr. Nick: Thanks, little girl! [puts mask back on and starts singing] The knee bone's connected to the... something. The something's connected to the... red thing. The red thing's connected to my wristwatch... Uh oh.
- Mr. McGreg: [menacingly] Dr. Nick Riviera, remember me?
- Dr. Nick: Well, if it isn't my old friend Mr. McGreg, with a leg for an arm and an arm for a leg!
- Lisa: All right, Dad!
- Bart: You rule intensive care!
