The Simpsons: Tapped Out Clash of Clones content update/Unabridged questline

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This is the unabridged, full version of the questline information on the original page. This version contains all the dialogue.

Prince and the Premise

Prior to an in-game update on August 27, 2014, all of the questline was unlocked after Level 6.

The player has to be Level 6 or above in order to play Pts. 1-8, Level 7 to play Pts. 9-10, Level 9 to play Pts. 11-13, Level 12 to play Pts. 14-17 and Level 15 to play Pts. 18-23.

Pt. 1

The Barbarian spawns in Springfield GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! Loot! Pillage! Burn! Take! Abscond! Steal! Scream synonyms! Hey there yella fella, why are you giving an extra helping of beat down to my blue bottles? Me am barbarian. Must pillage and destroy! You're not from around here, are you Mr. Barbarian? Barbarian am from another land! Tell me about the far-away place! It am land where violence rules! Where me drink from skull of enemy! Where me poop through butt of enemy! That's a little too much TMI! Well, sir, since you've got an appetite for destruction, instead of axing my rose bushes, why not Slash this house next door? Barbarian appreciate your Guns 'N' Roses references. Barbarian will pillage 742 Evergreen Terrace! Task: Make Barbarian Attack the Simpson House (1h) Quest reward: 100, 10

Pt. 2

After tapping on the Barbarian's exclamation mark Smash! Loot! Pillage! Wreck! What gives? That's my house you're smashing. GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! Chief Wiggum, I need you to physically subdue this axe-wielding muscular giant who clearly is a master of hand-to-hand combat! Sorry Simpson, that's a big no can do. In that there's no possible way I can do it, thus the term, "no can do." GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! Come on Grunty, knock it off. That's my house — where I eat and sleep and look at magazines and stuff. GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! The pillaging, I get. Who wouldn't want all my awesome stuff? Like my extra-thick TV, my dozens of hidden mini-fridges, and all those magazines I mentioned earlier. GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! But hear me out —- you are in serious danger of over-pillaging. GRUNT? GRUNT? GRUNT? That's right, over-pillaging. You pillage all this fantastic stuff, but you have nowhere to put it. Then it gets rained on, and the ants get into it, and it's Hibbert's shed all over again. Everything's ruined – and you wasted all that great pillaging. GRUNT! GRUNT! GRUNT! What you need is a place to keep all the great stuff you pillaged. Grunt, grunt... storage locker? No, those storage places always rip you off. What you need is a castle! Grunt, grunt, GRUNT! Task: Build the Barbarian Castle (1,000, 16h) The "Clash of Clones" guide appears on screen, then the player receives the quest reward: 100, 10

Pt. 3

After tapping on the Barbarian's exclamation mark: Grunt, grunt, grunt? What's wrong, barbarian buddy? Barbarian need fighters to pillage for Barbarian! Oh, I get it. Someone to do the dirty work for you. They do all the getting killed, you get all the mini-fridges. Grunt, grunt, exactly. Well, this town isn't exactly full of big muscle-y ass-whompers like yourself. But it is full of... nerds! Grunt, grunt, nerds? A whole bunch of medieval dorks are always playing with fake swords in the park. I bet they'd love to go raiding with a real disemboweling skull-drinker like yourself. The only problem is... those nerds wouldn't stand a chance. They'd be totally slaughtered. Barbarian would never send nerds to pointless deaths. ... ... Grunt, grunt, KIDDING! You had me there for a sec. You totally had me. Task: Attack Another Springfield. The player unlocks the ability to buy Nerds and Elixir for Donuts, as well as the premium Medieval Banners, the Flaming Torch and the Chicken Coop. The Player also receives 10 Nerds. Message Here are 10 free nerds to follow your every command. Send them to attack other towns. Just don't get too attached to them! *evil laugh* Quest reward: 100, 10 A screen appears stating the rewards for the nerds attacking other Springfields. The player then receives "Reinforcements", and the player's Nerd total is increased to 40, the maximum, and the number is highlighted in red. After Quest Completion: I must say Mr. Barbarian, you're doing a wonderful service for these young gentlemen. Huh? I'm told you're planning a vigorous exercise program. No. Me send them to deaths. More than they deserve. But they are doing you a favor by retrieving valuable items for you? Raid takes time. Attack with more nerds destroy building faster. When more nerds attack, is harder to defend. More dead nerds equals more good for me. Um... did you just say...? DEAD NERDS EQUALS MORE GOOD FOR ME!!! I need a bag of salted cashews.

Pt. 4

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark: Excuse me, Homer. A tiny favor... What are you doing here? I don't come to where you work and ask you for things. You come to the church every Sunday and pray for a new car. Nice, I see what you did there. Classic reversal. Although, to be fair, it was a pretty solid set up on my part. You've got to talk to your barbarian friend. He and his gang of nerds have been looting and pillaging all over town. They stole Patty and Selma's menopause medication. Those two without their woman hormones? That oughta be good for a larf! The horde destroyed Chester's shed -- he was finally this close to finishing it. Poor old Chester, always good for a larf. The barbarians and nerds savagely beat the Yes-Man, leaving him with permanent brain damage. Trust me, with that guy there wasn't much brain left to damage. Savage beatings, always good for a larf. You've got to do something! But all the stuff you're saying is good for a larf! Why would I want to stop larfs? Then I guess you wouldn't care that the Barbarian stole Ned Flanders' wet-dry vac. That's not good for a larf! Hey, you, helmet head! There's only one person who steals from Ned Flanders in this town -- and that's me! Grunt, grunt, you've got to be kidding. Give Flanders back his wet-dry vac -- or else! But wet-dry vac am good for cleaning up blood AND guts. Put the wet-dry vac back! Grunt, grunt, what if I don't? Then grunt grunt I kick your grunt! Task: Make Homer Attack Barbarian (6s; requires "Barbarian Castle") Quest reward: 100 and 10.

Pt. 5

After tapping on Barbarian's exclamation mark: Task: Make Barbarian Chase Homer with an Axe (2h; reward 220 and 54 Quest reward: 100 and 10.

Pt. 6

Well, you chased me for 2 hours, and you finally caught me. You better runner than I thought. Well, I guess it's time for you to chop off my head. Soon me drink from your skull! Drink, eh? Say Barbie, before you decapitate me, scrape all the flesh off my head, boil the bones to a nice chalky-white, then seal up all the little head holes to keep the liquid from leaking... what say I buy you a beer? GRUNT, GRUNT, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING 'BOUT!!! Task: Make Homer Drink at Moe's and Make Barbarian Drink at Moe's (8h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 7

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark:

Have to admit, beer from mug better than beer from skull. Skull beer always taste like old head meat. Even if you boil the skull for a long time? No matter how long me boil skull, still am taste hint of brain. You're just full of interesting trivia. Which Springfield are you from? Am not from Springfield. Am from... other game. So we just admit now that we know we live in a game? No more pretense? Why lie to selves? Is insult to players' intelligence. Yeah, okay. That makes things easier. So, tell me about the game you come from. Is called "Clash of Castles." Barbarians attack other towns, destroy everything, kill everyone, and pillage gold and elixir. So that explains the pillaging. Is all me know. Your Clash of Castles game sounds awesome. I have to admit, I'm getting a little bored of my game. It's pretty vanilla. Everything's so wussy here. "Valentine's Day Hearts"? "Friendship Points?" And don't get me started on those (EXPLETIVE DELETED) Easter fences!!! Your game sounds a million times better than my game! And so much more addicting. Like I'd totally ignore my town to play in your world. Yeah, me guess it's okay... What's the income tax rate on pillaging? Zero. Federal and state? Us drink from skull of tax collector so yeah. Nice games are so boring! Rated "E" for Everybody — more like "L" for Lamewads Losers and Larrys! Larry is this guy who used to really annoy everyone. He wore huge t-shirts that looked like dresses. Him sound like wiener. I never get to kill anyone! Not even a Squeaky Voice Teen or a Wise Guy! Killing am big rush, no lie. 20 more beers over here, Moe! Task: Make Homer Drink 10 More Beers and Make Barbarian Drink 10 More Beers (60m; Moe's Tavern) After Quest Completion: Can me tell you something? Anything, pal. Me am jealous -- of you! *spit-take* Me tired of kill kill kill, pillage pillage pillage, grunt grunt grunt. Sometimes, me just want put feet by fire and drink from skull of enemy with someone me love. Me want do Sunday crossword puzzle in bed then go to brunch, not slaughter castle full of archers and wizards. See, I would love to bathe in wizard blood. Me would love stay home watch "The Bachelor" eating low calorie popcorn. I guess each of us would love to have the other guy's life. Yes, that am situation. Hey guys, did you know that when the Barbarian here takes off his helmet, he looks just like Homer. OMG -- Oh my God! It's true! OMC -- Oh my Crom! Us am twins! You guys should switch places and live each other's lives, just like that classic piece of literature: "Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties". Switch places? That sounds hacky. No, no it's cool. The same happened to Bart in one of the episodes of the TV show this whole thing is based on. Us game not based on TV show. Am original IP. Must be nice. So it's agreed, I'll live the life of a Barbarian, and you'll live the life of a family man! Me still think this am hacky, but am worth it. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 8

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark:

To be me, all you have to do is shave that mustache. You must turn all that fat to muscle. Task: Collect Gold [x200], Make Homer Bulk Up (4h, Krusty Burger †), Make Barbarian Get a Haircut (4h, Barbarian Castle/Jake's Unisex Hair Palace (if built)) and Make Homer and Barbarian Switch Places (45s, Barbarian Castle) Upon sending Homer to "Bulk Up": Oh no you don't, sky-finger. No way. Not working out. Uh-uh. There's got to be another way to bulk me up. Upon completing the quest, the player unlocks "Barbarian Homer", if the player has already collected 200 Gold and the costume is waiting in their inventory. The player then also unlocks "Homer Barbarian" (ditto). Quest reward 100 and 10

Pt. 9

After tapping on Homer Barbarian's exclamation mark:

Greetings ugly boy! Huh? Me am your father. Bow before father! Guh? Show respect for father's prowess with axe and skill in battle... I mean, parenting. Dad, what's wrong with you? You seem... intense. And your speech is much more halting than usual. Bow before father or me crush your neck! Okay, that's more like it. Task: Make Homer Barbarian Pretend to Be a Sitcom Dad (8h, Simpson House) After Quest Completion Boy whelp think me am Homer, but girl whelp am clever. What father do to win affection of girl? Me know! Me give her life lessons in backbreaking labor. Child! I command you to build a castle. A castle? I suppose this could be a good exercise in medieval construction. Can I use eco-friendly materials? Ask mother. Being father am easy. Quest reward: 100, 10

Pt. 10

After tapping on Homer Barbarian's exclamation mark:

Boy want sharpen father's axe with father? I don't feel like it... Something bothering boy? This bully at school, he took my Krusty doll. Bully steal from son of... what my name again? Homer Simpson. Bully steal from son of Homer Simpson?! Homer Simpson cleave bully in twain! Sweet. Task: Reach Level 9 Build Springfield Elementary and Make Homer Barbarian Chase Bully with an Axe (4h, Springfield Elementary) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 11

After tapping on Homer Barbarian's exclamation mark:

Sniffle... Daughter! Roast me a boar! Sniff... sob... Make sure save boar brains. Mmm... boar brains. Oh, Dad! My saxophone recital is tonight and no one's coming! I've been practicing so much! *saxophoning* That sound like death-keening of a wounded frost giant! Am... beautiful. Really? Me find people and make them go to music show... or me cleave them in twain! I love you Dad! Task: Make Lisa Play in the Recital (12h, Springfield Elementary), Make Homer Barbarian Make Springfielders Attend the Recital (12h) and Make Springfielders Attend the Recital Under Threat of Death [x10] (12h, Springfield Elementary) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 12

After tapping on Homer Barbarian's exclamation mark:

Where am wife! Homer Simpson need woman to rub feet and pick bugs from hair and pick bugs from feet! Dad, because Mom is a high level character, we have to wait a while before she appears. It makes things easier for the new players. NOOOOOBS! Task: Make Homer Barbarian Express Rage Against Noobs (12h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

The following parts of this questline will not unlock until Pts. 1-4 of "Clash of Clones" have been completed.

Pt. 13

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

I been drinking too much of that purple stuff. I go ta take a break, get clean... I wonder what my family's up to. Family, I'm home! What you doing here? Two fake Homers? How am I supposed to know which is the real fake Homer? Hey, that's my wife's pork chops you're eating! So? Your wife's pork chops am delicious. Tank you. I think. The pork chops were never part of the deal. What you talking about? Us switch lives! That am premise! HACKY PREMISE! So what if it's hacky? Fake Dad chased a bully with an axe for me! He made everyone go to my sax recital! Homer Barbarian is a good man. He makes the bed every morning. You make the bed? What kind of man makes the bed? Grunt grunt me equal part of nurturing family equation as Marge. No man comes to my house, is a better dad to my kids, and is better at pretending to go along with parenting gibberish than me! GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! Task: Make Barbarian Homer Attack the Simpson House (60m) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 14

Dad, you're destroying your own house. And I'm gonna keep on destroying it until he comes out and fights me. Grunt grunt fight? No, no fight. Me no longer solve problems with axe. Me solve problems with talk, and text. Me metrosexual now. Me groom facial hair. Me watch "The Good Wife". Me eat house-made pickles at gastropub. So you don't believe in fighting any more? Me into yoga now. Grunt, grunt, namaste. Eat axe handle, stupid! Grunt, grunt, *passing-out noise* Task: Make [Barbarian] Homer Hide Unconscious Barbarian In Brown House (4h, Brown House, requires Barbarian) It states Homer is the one who is to be sent on the task, when it is actually BARBARIAN Homer. After Quest Completion Finally, the brown house makes itself useful. A great place to hide an unconscious loser who looks just like you. See kids, I'm a better dad then[sic] that Barbarian ever was. But the Barbarian gave us castles. No, he made you make your own castles. That's true. He made us work hard for a feeling of accomplishment. Weak. Whereas I just gave you the cool new costumes, or "skins" to win your love. Yeah, getting free stuff is way better than working. How is that a good lesson? That's my boy! HOW IS THAT A GOOD LESSON? THAT'S MY BOY! Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 15

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

I miss old fake dad. He had the best stories about bathing in the blood of his enemies, and scrubbing himself with their ripped-out tongues. He loved my music. He said it reminded him of when he would throw sick old bears into the bonfire and burn them alive. What are you kids complaining about? You got your real old man back! Great. Super. I'm not just your dad anymore. I'm a leveled-up version of your dad -- with a leveled-up castle. Big deal. I hope your castle is better than your pathetic Prince & the Pauper premise. Yeah, I hope your castle is more skillfully constructed together than that awful premise. Oh children... Why are they so stupid? My castle is great because of UPGRADES. Let me explain... When you make the thing you already have a little bit better, that's an upgrade. So it's something you already have... But a little bit better. Now you're getting it... IT'S A TINY IMPROVEMENT, A MARKED DIFFERENCE, IT'S A SHINIER BELT, OR A PRETTIER FENCE! Are you singing? AN UPGRADE TAKES YOUR PLUS ONE SWORD AND MAKES IT PLUS TWO AN UPGRADE TRANSFORMS YOUR MAGIC CLOAK FROM LIGHT TO DARKER BLUE He is singing. But, this game doesn't have music. UPGRADES ARE THE LITTLE BOOSTS THAT GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING THE SLIGHTLY BETTER VERSIONS THAT WILL GIVE YOUR LIFE NEW MEANING He just rhymed "new meaning" with "new meaning." SO IF YOU'RE FEELING BORED AND SAD YOUR GAME HAS PETERED OUT UPGRADE ALL THE STUFF YOU HAVE AND THEN YOU'LL SCREAM AND SHOUT -- FOR UPGRADES!!! Wow. Way to string it out, bone-head dad - everyone knows about upgrades! Maybe if you'd laid off that purple juice a little, you'd have noticed that Lisa and I also have our own castles and outfits and... UPGRADES! Task: Build Castle Recycle, Upgrade Archer Lisa to Level 4, Build Boxingham Palace and Upgrade Goblin Bart to Level 3 After Quest Completion But Dad's lame song is right! Upgrades are amazing! Even though my castle is almost exactly the same, an upgrade makes it feel like I've got a whole new castle! I love you upgrades! If ever I deserved a swig of non-addictive purple goo, it's now Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 16

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark:

I don't like you looting other peoples towns. People worked hard on those. Think of all the grinding they did. Well, it's not me who looted them I'm actually a Barbarian from another game pretending to be your husband cause we look the same, you know, like in "Double, Double, Boy in Trouble." I never saw that episode. It was a Prince & the Pauper thing. Oh how embarrassing. Me Barbarian. Me not Homer. Me from number one grossing game iTunes charts, not... number 12. Homie I know it's you. Task: Make Homer Pose as the Barbarian Posing as Homer (12h)

Pt. 17

After tapping on Homer's exclamation mark:

Marge, where were you? We haven't done a mission together in forever! You know we have to wait until later in the "Clash of Clones" event to give the new players time to catch up. NOOOOOOOBS!!! Task: Make Barbarian Homer Express his Rage Against Noobs (12h) After Quest Completion I'm still not so thrilled with all the raiding and pillaging and destroying you've been doing. Admit it, I've never brought home as much solid gold coins as I am now. I can't enjoy those coins knowing that they're the fruit of human suffering. Mmm... suffering fruit. And what's this purple stuff you've been guzzling? Is it... sizzurp? No. It's not drank. It's wine. A wine that makes you feel better than any wine in the world. And it's not in any way addictive. You're drinking it right now. *burp* I want you to quit drinking elixir. Quit drinking elixir? I'd sooner give up drinking non-addictive wine! Well don't come home until you do! When Marge sees how awesome I upgrade myself, you won't be complaining about elixir. What's an upgrade? IT'S A TINY IMPROVEMENT, A MARKED DIFFERENCE, IT'S A SHINIER BELT, OR A PRETTIER FENCE

The next part of this quest line will not unlock until "The Power of Upgrades Pts. 1 – 3" have been completed.

Pt. 18

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

My last upgrade was so cool -- I got slightly longer boot laces. My upgrade rocked! My attacks got 5 percent stronger! Too bad my enemies' defenses got 5 percent stronger at the exact same time. Oh well! Have you seen the new fringes on my magic cloak -- the threads are now imperceptibly silverier! UPGRADE! UPGRADE! UPGRADE! Wow, the awesome power of upgrades has brought us together as a family. No one even cares that me Elixir consumption has also been... upgraded. I NEED IT!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Man, it's been a whole day since my last upgrade. Me too! I gotta change my life by making my clothes imperceptibly different! Keep raiding, children. Keep raiding. I don't feel so good. Task: Upgrade Barbarian Castle to Level 10, Upgrade Castle Recycle to Level 8, Upgrade Boxingham Palace to Level 7, Upgrade Archer Lisa to Level 7, Upgrade Goblin Bart to Level 5 and Upgrade Wizard Marge to Level 3. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 19

After tapping on Goblin Bart's exclamation mark:

Upgrades, upgrades... need more gold for more upgrades... to get more gold... to get more upgrades... Each upgrade seems further from the last... My cloak. I need silver-ier threads for my cloak. Purple... purple... purple... What's happened to us. We're a mess. I know what we need to make us feel better. Just one more upgrade. Do my cloak threads see silver-ier to you? DOES IT??? Purple... Dad... what happens to all those people we send to go raiding for us? Purple... dead... dead nerds... purple. But what if we win the battle? Then they're okay, right? Doesn't matter. Purple. Still dead. Purple. Oh no... we've become monsters. Our humanity is gone. Completely lost. Purple! Wait! I figured it out. Upgrades equals gold equals upgrades equals gold equals... upgrades! Purple purple purple purple purple... I'm going for a walk. Task: Make Archer Lisa Think About the Impacts of Raiding (8h, Castle Recycle) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 20

After tapping on Archer Lisa's exclamation mark:

It's all so clear to me now. These so-called strategy games are a scam. You raid and you raid, you think you're getting stronger, but your enemies are getting stronger too. And the more you play, the longer it takes to get upgrades. Until you have no choice but to use... Premium currency. Mr. Burns! What are you doing? Saving you -- from yourself. I think I can save myself from myself. Too late I already did. Task: Make Mr. Burns Blow Lisa's Mind - 24h, requires Lisa and Simpson House The gold in these games is worthless. Elixir, it's just corn syrup and codeine. The game gives you them for free to get you to cough up for premium currency. It's, it's all a trick to give us the illusion of accomplishment. But all they want is money. When we can't feel anything anymore, and we have no choice, we have to pay. Think about it. For $60 you can buy a fantastic console game with a hundred million dollar budget... ... that geniuses and artists have worked for years to perfect, giving you hours upon hours of satisfying gameplay. But these so-called freemium strategy games offer you pared-down simplistic gameplay... ... but because you're so hooked on upgrades, you end up spending hundred of dollars on premium currency to just get back to normal. It's the ultimate scam. I wish I'd thought of it. So what do I do? You steal the thing that they never thought you'd steal -- the premium currency itself. You mean -- raid for... donuts? That's right. But... people pay for those with actual money. You can't raid for that. It's not right. "Not right?" This game has sent countless innocent nerds to agonizing deaths. Your father is addicted to super-addictive Elixir. And the game turned your family into upgrade-starved wraiths. Is that "right?" I don't know anything anymore... Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 21

After tapping on Wizard Marge's exclamation mark:

Where were you Lisa? Purple purple purple purple? We were worried you wouldn't be able to help us get that next upgrade. We have to quit this raiding! We must cast aside the skins of inter-game strategy, and return to our old lives of cute meaningless missions. I don't think I can. Never! PURPLE! Oh, I suppose you would prefer Mr. Burns' plan, and break the most sacred rule of app-based gaming -- and steal the premium currency itself! I sure would. Me too. ... uh-huh. We need to break the meaningless cycle of attacking. It just goes on forever, but nothing really changes. You wouldn't say that if you had the jeweled slippers upgrade. No one with the jeweled slippers would ever say that. Task: Make the Simpsons Steal Premium Currency (Barbarian Homer, Wizard Marge, Goblin Bart, Archer Lisa, 24h, requires Barbarian Castle) After Quest Completion: We did it! The big score! I've got so many donuts! I'm going to buy Kang Topiary -- I've earned it. I know we've suffered at the hands of our silicon valley puppet masters. But I still don't think this was a good idea. SIMPSON FAMILY. Who is that? Who's talking to us? I AM THE SPIRIT OF FREEMIUM GAMING GIVEN VOICE. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE PRIME DIRECTIVE OF FREEMIUM GAMING. We just did to other player what you do to them every day. YES, EXACTLY. ONLY WE MAY RIP PEOPLE OFF. NOW RETURN THE DONUTS. We raided those premium donuts fair and square as far as you know. Don't blame us if our upgrades are so awesome we can steal whatever we want whenever we want. I'm the most upgraded lady wizard -- I mean wizard -- this game has ever seen. What game are we even talking about anymore? Listen up you mysterious voice thing somehow speaking for an entire subcategory of tablet and phone-based gaming! Now that we have a taste of the good stuff - premium C, we can't go back to "gold". With cash-based donuts we'll finally be living the way we deserve. In the now! No more grinding and waiting and grinding and waiting. ... and when the days are finally up convincing yourself it was worth it. RETURN THAT WHICH YOU HAVE STOLEN. No way! We're not scared of you! Why don't you return what you've stolen from all the players of these games around the world! And by stolen we mean "an agreed upon exchanged of goods and services." THERE IS ONE CURRENCY MORE VALUABLE THAT DONUTS. Jewels? NO. THE MOST VALUABLE CURRENCY IS... TIME. EVERYONE HAS THE SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. EVERYONE IS ALWAYS SPENDING TIME AT THE SAME RATE. ONCE THE TIME IS SPENT IT IS GONE FOREVER. YET MANY PEOPLE GET NO VALUE FROM IT AT ALL. IS IT REALLY A GOOD USE OF YOUR "LIFE CURRENCY" TO GRIND AND GRIND AWAY AT THESE GAMES TO SAVE MONEY? YOU CAN EARN MORE MONEY. BUT YOU CAN NEVER EARN MORE TIME. Nice try, hippie. No, Homer. He's right. Think of all the moments people have missed with their families. Moments they will never get back -- just to try to get one over on these games without spending money. It's so tragic. Freemium games -- both strategy-based and town building alike -- are a blight on society! Eh, I like touching screens. I stick by my choice. Forget it, you impossible thing that can't speak but is speaking anyway, the Simpsons are gonna become the donut kings of the world, and you can't stop us. UNLESS... I STEAL YOUR TIME. I CAN RESET YOUR PROGRESS ON THIS GAME. AND THEN ALL THE TIME YOU "SPENT" PLAYING IT WILL HAVE DISAPPEARED FOREVER. My Mensa gazebo! All that stuff I did in Krustyland yet I never seem to go there! If we go back to Level 1 I'll be locked in Moe's Tavern again. Go back to Level 1 and redo everything? ... I'll be good. I think I just did a mission where I peed my pants. Quest reward: 15 and 10

Pt. 22

After tapping on Archer Lisa's exclamation mark:

Mr. BIG FREEMIUM Thing? Tiny favor. Can you at least undo all the damage of this ridiculous Clash of Clones storyline? It's brought us nothing but suffering. And a Prince and Pauper parody. LAME. FEAR NOT, HECTORING CHILD. THIS "UPDATE" LIKE THE ONES THAT CAME BEFORE IS BUT TEMPORARY. IF THE FINGERS THAT CONTROL YOUR SAD LIVES CANNOT HEED MY ADVICE AND DELETE THIS GAME AND ALL ITS DATA... THEN AT LEAST TAKE SOLACE IN THE KNOWLEDGE THAT SOON THINGS WILL BE AS THEY ONCE WERE. So we've learned our lesson. Time is best spent with the people we love. For those are moments we can never get back. Or -- we can get as many raids in as possible before time runs out! Purple-purple-purple-purple-purple-purple! *sigh* Come on, let's go sing some karaoke. Task: Make Lisa Reluctantly Sing Karaoke and Make Marge Reluctantly Sing Karaoke (60m, Simpson House) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 23

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

Come on boy, one more piece of unfinished business. Letting that muscle-y loser out of the brown house? It's the right thing to do. Wow. A lot of people use that house for a lot weird stuff. Come on, Barbarian Buddy. Let's get you back to your game where you can be mindlessly slaughtered. But I want to stay here. I like the fixed dog races, the Mensa meetings at the gazebo, and watching Smithers whip it good. Somebody's got a crush! Task: Reach Level 25 and Build the Burns Manor and Make Barbarian Go on a Date With Smithers (2h, Gilded Truffle) After Quest Completion: Homie, did you really quit drinking that purple stuff? Cold turkey. And you feel okay? Yeah. Actually. It turns out it wasn't addictive after all. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Clash of Clones

Prior to an in-game update on August 27, 2014, this questline would activate normally after the player completed Pt. 12 of "Prince and the Premise".

To play this questline, the player needs to be on Level 7.

Clash of Clones Pt. 1

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

Hey new Homer, how do I look? Like level 1 loser. Is level 1 the best level? Level 1 am worst level. Total noob level. A noob! That's the worst thing a person can be! I don't wanna start at Level 1. I should start at level... a million billion. It easy: get gold, go to castle, level up! Sometimes me level up in sleep. Task: Collect Gold [x300] and Upgrade Barbarian Homer to Level 2 [1/2] That is easy! Yes, leveling up am easy... at first! *evil laughter* I don't get your jokes. Quest reward: 100, 10

Clash of Clones Pt. 2

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

Raiding rules! These dorks do all the getting killed, and I get all the gold. What's that purple stuff? It's called like elixir or something. I get it from raiding. I don't really know what it's for. It looks like wine. Wine comes in bottles and is drunk by fancy people. This is just... purple goo. It's like all thick and nasty. I dare you to drink it. Yeah okay sure, why not? *glug* *glug* *glug* That's not wine... that's much better than wine! It makes wine taste like box wine! I feel confident, talkative, funny, physically attractive and generous! Can I have a sip? Screw you! Go loot your own elixir! It's bender time! Did someone call me? No, the good kind of Bender. Task: Make Barbarian Homer Go on an Elixir Bender (24h) After quest completion That was amazing! I was blasted on elixir for 24 hours, and no hangover! Finally, a booze that doesn't make you feel crappy afterwards, and isn't at all addictive. I NEED MORE ELIXIR!!! Quest reward: 100 and 10

Clash of Clones Pt. 3

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

Man, I love being part of a strategy-based raiding game. My old game sucked. SUPER SUCKED. Your castle's looking pretty awesome there Homer. Why does everyone keep calling me Homer? I'm clearly a barbarian. Sure you are. Sure you are. Sure you are. Sure you are. Sure I am. Anyway, I am jonesin' for some of that elixir stuff. I just love how non-addictive it is. I can't stop thinking about that non-addictive mystery liquid -- it's lack of addictiveness consumes my every waking thought. Task: Make Barbarian Homer Go on an Elixir Bender (24h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Clash of Clones Pt. 4

Wuzzuh... so not-addictive... Where am I? You at my gold farm. Gold farm? I'm the only gold raider in this town. Me, Homer the Barbarian. I mean, just a nameless Barbarian. No, I is gold farmer. I cheats the system to get gold for myself. Well, I usually like cheating. But it sounds like you're cheating me. Tell you whut. You give me some that there that thur that purple moonshine and I'll share my gold with you. Share my elixir! Never! I can never let another person taste it's non-addictive succulence. Sounds like someone's in denial. Oh, fine. Task: Make Barbarian Homer Confront Gold Farmers (16h, Cletus's Farm) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Extreme Castle Makeover

Pt. 1

After completing "Prince and the Premise Pt. 3", but before after quest completion dialogue: I must say, this base of operation is more "Deepwood Motte" than "Winterfell." Is tiny fat nerd insulting barbarian castle? Oh no. I'm simply pointing out that your current structure isn't very defendable, and you can't house many troops. More troops mean more raiding! More raiding mean more blood! More blood mean more fun! Me use Elixir to make castle strong. Task: Upgrade Barbarian Castle [1/4] and Place Castle Walls [x4] The player can only place the Castle Walls when the Barbarian Castle has been levelled up to Level 4, when the Castle Walls are placed in the player's inventory. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 2

Task: Upgrade Barbarian Castle [4/6] and Place Castle Towers [x2] The player can only place the Castle Towers when the Barbarian Castle has been levelled up to Level 6, when the Castle Towers are placed in the player's inventory. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 3

What is it dorks? Um, Barbarian Leader? That's Great Super Awesome Barbarian Leader to you, freak. Great Super Awesome Barbarian Leader, we were thinking, since this is a strategy-based fighting game now, that Springfield should be more... Medieval looking. Like what? Stone walls... Banners... Catapults... Hay bales. Lots of hay bales. Well, nothing says the dark ages like hay bales. Sure, go nuts. Task: Place Medieval Decorations [x10] Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 4

Task: Upgrade Barbarian Castle [6/10] and Place Castle Gates

Eco Castle

Pt. 1

After tapping on Lisa's exclamation mark:

The important thing in building a castle is to do it in a socially and ecologically responsible manner. Why bother talking to me when you're just as happy talking to yourself? That's why I'm assembling a LEED-certified castle made of 100 percent recycled materials. I have never met anyone as in love with the sound of your own voice as you. I know it sounds like a cliché, but we have to do everything we can to protect the earth. I didn't think you'd find a way to ruin something as cool as WAR, but you did. Task: Collect Gold [x400] and Build Castle Recycle When built, the player unlocks Archer Lisa, a costume for Lisa. The "Clash of Clones" character collection then appears. The player receives the quest reward of 100 and 10.

Pt. 2

You're the barbarian that's been doing all the raiding? Even though you look and more importantly talk just like my dad? This isn't right. I mean, this whole update seems to be glorifying war. Well, you gotta spend money to make money. With all that's going on in the world, in Russia and the Middle East... how can we, a game played by children, suggest that armed aggression is in any way the appropriate-- Here's a bow and arrow. JUST LIKE KATNISS!!! I can't wait to try it!!! Task: Make Archer Lisa Shoot Arrows Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 3

After tapping on Archer Lisa's exclamation mark:

"Kat-Lisa Ever-Simpson stalked through the Hunger Dome. She had to save the five super-cute boys who had crushes on her." " But all she had to protect herself from the mean pretty girls with rich parents was her trusty bow and arrow." Arrows. Wait. I don't even have arrows. Dad, I need an upgrade! Upgrades solve everything. Task: Collect Gold [x900], Upgrade Archer Lisa to Level 2 [1/2] and Make Archer Lisa Make Arrows (60m) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 4

After tapping on Archer Lisa's exclamation mark:

There, I bet this is the only all-recycled castle in town with a grey-water hot tub and a solar-powered compost turner. Bart was tired of listening to you so he made me come over and listen to you for him. All my eco-castle needs now... is a view. Not so I can be better than my neighbours, but so I can properly monitor property for invasive plant growth. This is harder than I thought. Task: Place a Recycled Tower, Make Archer Lisa Judge People from Above (24h, Recycled Tower) and Upgrade Castle Recycle [x6] Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 5

Appears in the taskbook:

Task: Place 9 Cardboard Decorations and Upgrade Castle Recycle [6/10]

Boxed In

Pt. 1

Hey, where's my castle? I wanna castle. I built my own castle. BOY AM MORE WEAK THAN GIRL! MAYBE ME SELL YOU TO CANDY CRUSH GAME FOR CANDY! If you want man castle, build castle like man! Darn. What's the laziest possible way for me to get my own castle? Laziest possible way... Task: Collect Gold [x1400] and Build Boxingham Palace UNLOCK: Goblin Bart Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 2

Hey Barbarian who is clearly Dad, you need any help stealing? I've already got an army of nerds that blindly follow my orders. Why do I need you? Don't you need a roguish master of stealth with a heart of gold? No but I could use a greedy selfish little thief. Alright! Let's get stealing. Looting. We call it looting. What's the difference? No difference. Task: Make Goblin Bart Loot Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 3

Oh, man. All that running around looting is tiring. I've been hard at it for hours and hours -- but anything's better than work. I wish there was a way to make this easier. You know, on account of my laziness. Did somebody say... upgrades! I think you did earlier, but no one really edits this stuff very carefully. Task: Collect Gold [x2100], Upgrade Goblin Bart to Level 2 [1/2] and Make Goblin Bart Pillage Teacher's Fridge (8h, Springfield Elementary) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 4

After tapping on Goblin Bart's exclamation mark:

Alright, my upgraded little hooligan. The most important job of a thief is to go in first and set off the traps. Huh? No, no, let me explain. That way when you are killed, we don't lose anyone important. But I don't want to be a minesweeper. Of course not, nobody wants that. What we want is a trap-setter-offer. Again, so no one of value is hurt. ... Task: Place 3 Cardboard Decorations, Make Goblin Bart check for Traps (4h) and Upgrade Boxingham Palace [x6] Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 5

Appears in the taskbook:

Task: Place 9 Cardboard Decorations [3/9] and Upgrade Boxingham Palace [6/10] Quest reward: 100 and 10

The Power of Upgrades

Pt. 1

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

Marge is still sore at me for getting hooked on non-addictive magic booze and becoming a murderous psychopath. Dames. How can I win her back? I dunno... buy her a dress or somethin'. That's it! But not just any dress... a magic dress. One that makes her into a lady wizard! Look, Homer. I wasn't gonna say nuthin. But you been hitting the purple sauce pretty hard lately. Maybe you should cut back. Just a little. And this is me talking. I got a pretty high tolerance for watching people destroy themselves with intoxicants. The most beautiful and powerful lady wizard in all of new crazy Medieval Springfield! La de dah de dah de dah... *sigh* Task: Reach Level 15 and Build Moe's Tavern and Collect Gold [x5000] After Quest Completion: A robe? You got me a robe? I already have that robe you " accidentally" took home from Iowa City Airport Sheraton. Where, we can now never go back, which is too bad because they had a great yogurt selection in the breakfast bar. It's not a robe. It's a cloak. A magical cloak. So now you're trying to involve me in this weirdo pretend cult of yours? No thanks. Just put it on. Ooh! It's so soft. What kind of lining is that? Hair from a centaur tail. Cruelty free? You know it baby. Quest reward: 100 and 10 The Wizard Marge costume can now be used.

Pt. 2

After tapping on Barbarian Homer's exclamation mark:

And your lady wizard cloak lets you blast people with fireballs. Just say "wizard." "Lady Wizard" is sexist. Would you say "Lady Doctor"? Yes. Yes, I would. I don't know. I've never once wanted to blast anyone with a fireball. Never? Well... there was that one time Helen Lovejoy took all the corner pieces from the brownies at the bake sale and put them on a plate like she baked them -- charging 50 cents more. Of course you can charge more -- they're corner pieces! Maybe just a few fireballs to her rose garden would even the score. They sure would. Is Helen even a character in the game? Who cares, baby... who cares? Task: Make Wizard Marge Throw Fireballs (4h) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Pt. 3

After tapping on Wizard Marge's exclamation mark:

Oh man! Those roses got fire-balled! Wizard Marge, you are hot! I don't know. I feel sort of bad about roasting another lady's garden. A wise man once said, "flame is the cleanser." I think I should do something nice for the community to make up for it. Something nice for the community? You are not sharing my Elixir, if that's what you're thinking of. MY. ELIXIR. I was talking about putting on a magic show for the town. Oh. Okay, not really bad-ass. But okay. Task: Make Wizard Marge Put on a Magic Show (12h, Springfield Elementary) Quest reward: 100 and 10

Defend Your Honor

When someone attacks a player's town:

One of our buildings is under attack! Go defend it. That sounds dangerous. If we ignore them maybe they'll go away. No hide! Tap building! Defend! Tap? That's not me, pal. That's sky finger. Task: Defend Your Honor - Defend a Building [x5] Quest reward: 100 and 10

Eye for an Eye

After defending one building:

Ok, this am sweet. This am the best. Someone attack us. Now we get revenge. Revenge is the best. Feel so good. So good. Let me explain: everyone have a lot of anger. But now want to be "bad guy." But when someone attack you -- you get to use anger as revenge -- but still be "good guy." So sweet. Just push revenge button and go nutso berserk crazy times kill kill kill. Task: Get Revenge To get "revenge", the player must tap on one of the buildings they defended after it was attacked, and click the red "Revenge" button. Then the player arrives in the town of the attacker and gives the option of destroying a building or not. Quest reward: 100 and 10

Splinter is Coming

Your building am destroyed. Go fix it. What's magic and fantasy about light carpenty? Fix house or me pull off your skin and make skin mousepad. People don't use mousepads any more. It's all infrared and Bluetooth. Me chew your inner-red meat with my blue tooth if you not fix building! Task: Repair a Building [x3] Quest reward: 100, 10

Rolling With It

Upon receiving a Handful of 5 Cheaters 20s as a Personal Prize:

G'hoiven moiven! Which is Frinkish for g'hoiven morning! Can I just be honest for a sec? Everything about you is incredibly annoying. Be that as it may-ven, I have invented a dice, or die, which guarantees a victory in attacks against other towns. Die, eh? How many sides? 20 sides! Just 20? This amazing icosahedron always lands on twenty, guaranteeing victory, as I said before. So? What about getting attacked? Does it help for that? Why yes it does! The always-20 icosahedron when rolled can also defend against any attack! Ok. Look. I'm sorry about what I said earlier. You do come up with pretty cool stuff. Glayvin-hoiven-maven-nice ladyee! I'm gonna go get wasted on purple stuff now. Task: Destroy a Building with a Cheaters 20 and Use a Cheaters 20 to Defend Your Town Quest reward: 100 and 10

Attack Benefits

Man, those tunic-wearing idiots will wreck whatever I tell them and bring me back the spoils! NERDS!!! Me tell you secret. When you totally wreck building you get big reward. But if enemy defend, you get little wimpy reward. Big reward! Big reward! Then you send maximum nerds to attack building. Maximum nerds means less time for enemy to defend. That mean more victory! System Message Attack buildings with maximum nerds to get the best rewards!

Think Happy Thoughts

After unlocking the Catapult as a Personal Prize:

Task: Place Catapult After placing Catapult: Great news Mel! I'm giving you more to do in the show. You mean you read those sketches I submitted? No, I used them as dog toilet paper. But my improv team and I worked for weeks on that material. Relax, the dog liked em. So here's the plan: I fling you through the air in a catapult and you land somewhere. Hilarious, right? Is it a quality catapult, from Rent-A-Pult? How would I know? Quest reward: 100 and 10

Statuesque Barbarian

After unlocking the Barbarian Statue as a Personal Prize:

Task: Place Barbarian Statue After placing Barbarian Statue: Finally, a statue to honor the many wonderful contributions of barbarians. What have barbarians contributed to society? Oh, lots of things: the head butt, locking people inside a hut and setting it on fire, drinking blood from the vein of a still-running horse... I don't feel so well. I could go on. And I will: chopping off heads and putting them in a pile, burying people alive, professional wrestling...

Shadow Knight

Initial Dialogue

Upon logging in: I love this medieval life! You get to crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their Flanderses. I'm going to miss it when it's gone. And the elixir. Oh God, how I'm going to miss that sweet purple, purple, purple elixir! Purple. I just wish I'd gone with a different character. Skulking in the shadows as a goblin thief has been fun and all, but it takes me an hour every day to get into makeup. I want to spend an hour every day getting into armor! This appears:

If Accept

Man, this outfit comes with everything! It's got a flaming sword, a throne with a beer stein, and it makes me three feet taller! Today, I am a man. A towering, scary man! System Message You will find your purchase in your inventory.

If Decline/Press Back Arrow

Aw, come on! How am I supposed to stomp noobs without the newest, overpowered store item?

After Unlocking

Shadow Knight TREMBLE BEFORE THE CHAOTIC EVIL POWER OF THE SHADOW KNIGHT! Whoa, that's your coolest outfit yet! But I don't understand how you have it, Bart. Shadow Knight I AM NOT BART! I AM THE SHADOW KNIGHT — THE MOST FEARED WARRIOR IN ALL THE EARTHLAND REALMS! Right. But the Earthland Realms is a made-up place from a videogame. This is the very real place of post-apocalyptic Springfield. It doesn't make sense for you to be here. Shadow Knight WHAT ABOUT ABRAHAM LINCOLN? OR KANG AND KODOS? OR CHESTER DUPREE? Yeah, they don't really fit in either. But at least we made explanations for their being here. What's the explanation for this? Jeez Buzzhill-house, you're starting to sound like my sister.

Metagaming

Pt. 1

After tapping on Shadow Knight's exclamation mark: Shadow Knight PREPARE TO TASTE THE COLD STEEL OF THE SHADOW KNIGHT'S SWORD! I'm not sure it'd be possible for anyone to taste anything of yours. You're just an avatar from a videogame, remember? Shadow Knight UGH! THIS AGAIN?! Look, I've been thinking — what if we just admit that this is all a videogame? That's how we got that barbarian guy here. Smither and me am talking marriage. Does Homer still do that? Man, I forgot how far that story went off the rails. But even though we're in a videogame, you're still from a videogame inside us. Exactly! So we're both from videogames. I'm just on the wrong server, or got a computer virus, or telnet-url-imdb-something... Sorry Bart, but Earthland Realms isn't another game — it's a game within the game. It can't be real in our world because we've already defined it as fake. You're supposed to call me Shadow Knight. Task: Make Shadow Knight Question His Existence - 10h, requires Shadow Knight's Throne

Pt. 2

After tapping on Shadow Knight's exclamation mark: Still wrestling with existence, Shadow Knight? It just seems so unfair. My mom was a witch. Homer's been a million things. Even Ned Flanders got to be the devil, with kick-ass flames shooting out of him! I know, pretty much anyone can be anything... as long as they come from a parallel universe. But isn't Earthland Realms a parallel universe? Please, a universe can't be parallel to the universe that contains it. It's the first rule of story-telling. You, my friend, are fictional. That's it! That can be my explanation! I'm a fictional character that came to life in the real world... just like in one of those several movies where that happens! Do you really want to do that story? No. I just want to go on a killing spree. I saw it in my task list. Task: Make Shadow Knight Continue to Question His Existence - 24h, requires Shadow Knight's Throne

Pt. 3

After tapping on Shadow Knight's exclamation mark: *weary sigh* Where are you going, Shadow Knight? To kill myself by jumping off a bridge. I just have to find a road square placed over a water square. Don't do that. Just because the logic of your existence is in doubt, doesn't mean you can't have a little fun. I'm just a game within a game. What could I do that'd be fun? Play a game?! Task: Reach Level 13 and Build Android's Dungeon and Make Shadow Knight Play "Swords and Slaughter" - 60m, requires Android's Dungeon

Pt. 4

After tapping on Shadow Knight's exclamation mark: Did you see me berserker ranger kill that army of orcs? God, it was awesome! I just didn't understand how a medieval knight could have lock-on targeting, or a heads-up display, or carry so many throwing axes... Who cares? It reminded me of the cardinal rules of videogames — things don't have to make sense as long as they're fun! I don't know, I like how in Assassin's Creed they spend the first two hours of the game explaining how your interface and abilities are from a near-future technology allowing you to replay your ancestors past encoded in the DNA of– *getting stabbed noise* No. What was fun about that game was what's fun about every game... killing people! Shadow Knight THE SHADOW KNIGHT IS BACK! Task: Make Shadow Knight Go on a Killing Spree - 12h

Nerds

When Nerds were available in the store:

Upon logging in: Nerds am confusing. Why they make costumes and fake fight? Fake fight?! What are you talking about?! We killed thousands of them in the last few weeks. Yeah, but THEY think it just fake fight. *chuckles* You wouldn't think it from the definition... but nerds are really stupid. Too bad they'll be gone soon. Gone?! Where am be wenting will go them? I dunno -- probably to do something sci-fi-y. Nerds lose interest fast. They're crazy about swords and raiding now, but in a few days it'll be lasers and skintight space suits. They desert? No! Me stop that! How? Are you going to chain them up like animals so they can't leave? Me was just going to cut off legs, but that good idea too. Save me from having to sharpen sword. This appears: then when one presses "OK" one is taken to the "Decorations" menu, where the Nerds are available for purchase. "Blue Knight Nerd" appears in yellow.

Random dialogue

Some dialogue which appeared when one of our users, Phinbart, logged in on August 27, 2014.

Oh man, I'm jonesin' for some elixir. I just can't get over its non-addictive great taste. Plus you can use it to upgrade stuff, if I understand this nonsense correctly. Well, it just so happens that I got a line on some of that so-called elixir myself. *glug* *glug* *glug* Man, that's some good purple! Where did you get it? Well, not by extracting it from what people who've been drinking it leave behind in the urinal, if that's what you're implying. I wasn't implying that. Although, I'm not a hundred percent rulin' that out either as where I got it. Understood. The thing is, when you love something as much I love purple elixir, it doesn't matter what it was extracted from. I'll take as much as you can "make". *winks* *winks*

Notes

† - Some players have to build a second Krusty Burger for this task. This does not apply to all players.