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Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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381
"Please Homer, Don't Hammer 'Em"
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- Bart: What's going on here? Am I destroying these triangles or trying to assemble them? What does this button do? Now my ship is pooping more triangles! Oh no, I won a free game!
- Homer: Ooh, gummy worms!
- Raphael: Uh, that candy's been here an awfully long time. I'd think twice if I were you.
- Homer: Don't tell me how many times to think!
- Marge: Well, if you're through, let's check out that discount book warehouse.
- Homer: We already own a book!
- Lisa: I never wanna go back to that mall. There were eels in the photo booth!
- Marge: Bart, here's a letter from your school!
- Bart: A fire?! I didn't start a fire in the teachers' lounge! I mean, what fire? I mean, a letter from school? Please elaborate.
- Marge: Homie, don't you want to build something with your new fix-it books?
- Homer: I did! I made a foot rest.
- Marge: Don't you have any follow-through on anything?
- Homer: What's the point? We're all slowly dying.
- Krusty the Clown: A lady carpenter? I dunno. What if you get pregnant and I'm left with half a hot tub? And don't tell me you're infertile. I ain't fallin' for that again.
- Professor Frink: I'm terribly sorry. I thought I heard the sound of a woman measuring.
- Homer: Oh, uh, that was me. You know that old saying: "measure like a girl, hammer like a guy".
- Professor Frink: Yes, but you're holding your hammer backwards.
- Homer: Oh, uh... you know what they say, "hammer with the wood and it's all good".
- Marge: A dash of glue, a turn of screw, and a gazebo's built that's perfect for two—or more!
- Kent Brockman: Mm-hmm! Simpson, you're a master craftsman.
- Homer: Listen... what would you say if I told you a woman did most of the work?
- Brockman: I'd have this gazebo torn down and built into a coffin... for your manhood.
- Homer: Aah!
- Brockman: Why did my hypothetical scenario scare you so?
- Homer: Uh... Like all manly men, I have a vivid imagination.
- Brockman: Well said. Let's take off our shirts and wrestle.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Okay, gimme all your peanuts, Goobers and Fluffer Nutters.
- Bart: Why should we have to give up our salty snacks, just to keep one allergic kid from exploding?! Who is this selfish jerk anyway?
- [everyone looks at Milhouse]
- Milhouse: It's not me, I swear. I'm only allergic to honey, wheat, dairy, non-dairy, and my own tears.
- Homer: Look, I'm sorry you're upset. But if we tell the truth now, I'll be humiliated in front of the whole town. Then you won't be married to a man. You'll be married to some kind of gay jellyfish, floating outside the Florida Keys, cruising for rich snorkelers. You don't want that.
- Marge: Why does Lenny need a windmill anyway?
- Homer: He wants to grind his own corn. Maybe it'll finally shut him up about the high price of cornmeal.
- Principal Skinner: Excuse me. I'm supposed to stand in your store window and breastfeed Bilbo Baggins.
- Comic Book Guy: Your cowering suggests that Bart has found your 'kryptonite'.
- Skinner: Kryptonite? What's that? The "ite" suffix suggests a mineral.
- Comic Book Guy: I do not know whether to laugh or cry at your ignorance. I shall laugh: Ha-ha! Kryptonite is Superman's greatest weakness.
- Lisa: Dad, here's a thought: if you just gave Mom credit, maybe she could help you.
- Homer: Sweetie, you don't understand. If I can do this myself, then all those lies I told will be true. Don't you want Daddy's lies to be true?
- Lisa: I'd like a Daddy who lived in the real world.
- Homer: To Daddy, the real world gets fainter and fainter every day.
- Skinner: Simpson, you've been waving your nuts in my face for too long. Eat shrimp and die!
- Bart: No! I'm allergic!
- Skinner: Stick-on-stick. Just like the knights of old.
- Bart: No one teaches me history!
- Skinner: If either of us falls in, we're doomed!
- Bart: Kids don't die!
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