Grampa's Christmas Origins: Christmas Cards/Quotes

Quotes

[Bart and Lisa are at a mailbox, about to mail a stack of Christmas cards.]

Lisa: How are we supposed to get these Christmas cards into the mailbox? The opening is too high!

Bart: Allow me. [takes off his scarf] I learned this scarf trick from watching old Christmas cartoons on TV.

[Bart uses his scarf to snag the handle of the mailbox door and pull it open. Inside, to their surprise, they find...]

Grampa: Take your cheesy greeting card cheer somewhere else!

Bart: Grampa?! What are you doing in there?

Grampa: I can't let you send those cards because of the evil they represent!

Grampa: [narrating] The tradition of sending Christmas cards began long ago, before there were hippies, but for some reason everybody dressed that way.

[The scene shifts to 19-century London. We see Burnseneezer Scrooge in his place of business, counting money, and his employee, Bob Cratchit.]

Cratchit: Burnseneezer Scrooge, if there's nothing else, I'll be on my way.

Scrooge: Leaving early for Christmas... Eh, Bob Cratchit? You'd best be here bright and early the day after.

Cratchit: I couldn't afford a gift, sir, but my son, Gimpy Tom, made this card for you. [hands Scrooge a card]

[Scrooge takes the card. It reads "Merry Christmas, Mr. Burnseneezer" and has a drawing of a Christmas tree.]

Scrooge: [skeptical] A Christmas card?! I've never heard of such a thing!

Cratchit: It's just a few words to sum up our appreciation for your generosity. [heads for the door] Good night, sir! And have a merry Christmas!

Scrooge: [tearing up and sniffling as he gets the point of the card] Good night, Cratchit.

[A voice comes from below the money that Scrooge was counting. It's Smarmley, hunched over and working at a low desk.]

Smarmley: Are you okay, Burnseneezer?

Scrooge: This simple construction of pen, paper, and sickly sentiment is the Ghost of Christmas Future! Smarmley, my faithful lackey, from this moment on we're in the greeting card business!

Grampa: [narrating] Within a year Burnseneezer built a greeting card empire, creating cards for every occasion.

[The scene shifts forward in time to show an ink-smeared Bob Cratchit at his table working on a stack of cards and looking dismayed at a card he's just received.]

Cratchit: [reading the card] "So sorry for your loss... of gainful employment"?!

Scrooge: That's right, Cratchit! You didn't finish the Boxing Day cards on time, so you're fired! Now take your ink and get out!

Cratchit: But who will write the cards from now on?

Scrooge: [gesturing at a group of sickly-looking children] These street urchins! They're cheap, and if one dies of ink poisoning like old Smarmley did, I'll simply grab another from the back alley! [to the children] Consider yourselves at home, dear orphans!

Grampa: [narrating] Greeting cards became a holiday fixture: Cheap sentiment produced by the labor of child slaves!

[Back to the present. Grampa glares at Lisa from inside the mailbox.]

Grampa: Well, I say "Phooey!" Tell your loved ones "Merry Christmas" in person. Don't let some disgruntled mailman do it for you!

Lisa [hesitantly] Umm... Here's a Christmas card for you anyway, Grampa.

[Grampa takes the card and the mailbox door clanks shut.]

Grampa: Oh goody! I love Christmas cards!... But I can't see! Can someone get me a flashlight, or some matches? Hello...

[Bart and Lisa walk away from the mailbox.]

Lisa: Should we tell Mom and Dad he's in there?

Bart: Meh. The mailman will come eventually.