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- Marge: Rap music promotes violence and rudeness to hoes.
- Bart: I lied about being kidnapped. The whole thing was a hoax.
Wiggum: A hoax? A hoax!? Aw please, you can't takes this away from me! How would I explain it to Ralphie? That kid can't understand where the world goes when you close the drapes.
[Bart's rap]
Don't critique my technique
I'm no geek.
I make the principal nervous
my friends can confirm this
I'll bust a spitwad in your epidermis
you can trace my remorse to its super-sized source
a hungry, hungry hypocrite named Homer, of course
my old man's pathetic
damn is his head thick
the gas from his ass is carcinogenic
every day I pray his DNA ain't genetic.
- Bart: Well, I paid for this ticket. That makes me an adult. I'm going! [Bart leaves for a second, then comes back, hugging his Krusty doll.] I wuv you Krusty, Wusty! [Bart kisses his doll and leaves]
- 50 Cent: Yo! B, I heard you throw down on stage, wanna join my world tour?
Bart: Sorry, Fiddy, I have school tomorrow.
50 Cent: You're right. The more you know, the further you go, and that's one to grow on. (turns to his assistant) Does that count as community service?
Assistant: No!
50 Cent: A'ight take us to the park. We'll go pick up some dog poop.
Assistant: Yes, sir!
- Milhouse: Are you mad at me?
Bart: No, it's not about you.
Milhouse: [disappointed] Oh, it's never about me!
- Bart: Man, are you illin'.
Lisa: Rappers stopped saying "illin'" twelve years ago.
Bart: I'm keepin' it real!
Lisa: They stopped saying "keepin' it real" three years ago.
Bart: Mom! Lisa's dissin' me!
Marge: "Dissin'"? Do rappers still say that?
- Chief Wiggum: (reads headlines to self) "Wiggum Sleeps Through Riot", "Top Cop Surrenders to Backfiring Car", "Firemen Rescue Police Chief from Tree", "Commission: Wiggum Sucks" Wow I should have read these headlines a long time ago. Together they really paint a picture... a failure. And now, my only friend is the bottle (pulls out bottle of maple syrup and pancakes)
Barney Fife (later): Rise and shine, Chief Wiggum. This pity party is over.
Wiggum (startled): Wha?! Officer down! [sees Fife on the TV] Barney Fife?!
Barney: Y-E-S spells "you got it, buster!" and I wanna tell you that the feelings you have are common for every [sniff] brother of the badge.
Wiggum: Yeah, well my fat grew over my badge.
Barney: Oh, sour mash. You just gotta pull together and get the old [sniff] crime-sniffer out on the street.
Wiggum: You're right! It's time I buckle down and really do some police work!
Barney: Now that's the can-do attitude that puts dudes in the can! Ha, ha, ha. Well, I'm wanted back on the set.
Wiggum: Set? Are you the character or the actor who plays him?
Barney (ghost-like voice): Now, I must goooooo!
Wiggum: What a minute. Now you're a ghost?
Barney: Avenge meeee!
- Alcatraaaz: (throws Bart a Murder 4 Life jersey) Here ya go ya little yellow cracka. (to driver) Now let's go murder our enemies. (to Bart) Peace!
- Homer: Bart's gone! I checked everywhere.
Marge: That little sneak disobeyed us and went to that hip hop festival!
Homer: If that's true he's gonna be like N.W.A: Not Without Ass-welts!
- Kirk: Oh baby, what could be better than video poker and Chintsy-Pop? [takes a handful of popcorn] Wow! I'm lookin' at an inside straight! [presses a button, which replaces the ace with a five. The word "LOSER" appears with the losing music] Someday I'll hear the winning music. Someday.
