Flaming Moe/Quotes
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- Homer: Oh, no! I left a candy bar in my desk!
- Late shift worker: That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk! [eats the candy bar]
- Homer: [angry, balling his fists] Time to punch in!
- [Homer hits his late-shift counterpart, and a brawl quickly ensues.]
- Waylon Smithers: Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq!
- Mr. Burns: Who?
- Smithers: Persia and Mesopotamia.
- Smithers: Sir, is that your will?
- Mr. Burns: It is. I know it's hard to see a young buck like me and think of a day when I'm no longer in the pink.
- [Mr. Burns sneezes, and the top of his skull flips open to reveal his brain. He quickly flips it closed.]
- [After his half hour of lucidity passes, Mr. Burns is riding on his lawyer's back, pretending he is riding a dinosaur. Homer walks into the room.]
- Homer: Aaagghhh! A dinosaur! [Runs out of the room screaming]
- [After Mr. Burns refuses to let Smithers see his will, Smithers sneaks into the office and has a look at it.]
- Smithers: [reading Burns' will aloud] I, C. Montgomery Burns, hereby divide my estate and shares between the University Department of Applied Evil, Gary from Gary's Trap-Door Installation & Repair and finally, to my constant companion ...
- [Cut to Smithers confronting Mr. Burns.]
- Smithers: [indignant] Your tortoise?!
- [Disappointed at learning he's been left out of Mr. Burns' will, Smithers decides to console himself by visiting Springfield's gay nightclub, The League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen.]
- Smithers: Here's a place I can feel wanted.
- [He gets in line outside the bar, where a doorman next to a velvet rope is screening who gets to go inside.]
- Doorman: You with the six-pack, you're in. [He moves on to the next man in line.]
- You with the Ben Affleck chin and the Matt Damon everything else, guess what. You're in.
- [The doorman admits the next three men in line.] In. In. In.
- [To a man in a pink outfit] Aahh. [The doorman smiles. Smithers arrives at the head of the line.]
- Doorman: [to Smithers] In your dreams.
- Smithers: Oh, c'mon, I've had a rough day.
- Doorman: With the buzz cut and the bow tie? This is a nightclub, not a John F. Kennedy cabinet meeting.
- [Rejected from the League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen, Smithers goes to Moe's.]
- Smithers: Can I have a scotch and water?
- Moe Szyslak: My scotch is a scotch and water.
- [Smithers tries to persuade a group of Springfield's average-looking homosexuals to visit Moe's Tavern.]
- Grady: Eeewww! Isn't that the place where all those rats committed suicide?
- [At the made-over Mo's, Homer bumps into a Comic Book Guy look-a-like.]
- Homer: Hey, I didn't know you were ... urgh ... you know ... one of those ...
- Comic Book Gay: I am not Comic Book Guy. I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay.
- Homer: But you do like comic books?
- Comic Book Gay: A certain kind.
- Moe: [after kissing Smithers] Not bad. Like Frisbee Golf, I'm glad I tried it once.
- [After Principal Skinner runs off with his new girlfriend, Superintendent Chalmers appoints a new principal.]
- Superintendent Chalmers: Willie, you're the new principal.
- Groundskeeper Willie: Who's the new groundskeeper?
- Chalmers: Also you. And you don't get more money.
