How the Vest Was Won!/Quotes

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[Bart appears on the TV show Kids Commit the Darndest Crimes!, hosted by Kent Brockman, after he spoils a shoplifting attempt by the school bullies.]

Kent: "Now, Bart, how exactly did you put those vicious punks behind bars?"

Bart: "With my dad's trusty video camera, Kent! See, I was 'borrowing' the camera for a 'school assignment' ... Well, maybe we should just roll the tape!"

Kent: [indignant] "I'm supposed to say that!"

[Bart's video footage shows the school bullies entering the Kwik-E-Mart. While Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney distract Apu, Nelson goes to the stockroom. Then Nelson is seen exiting the store with a wooden crate labeled "LABIOS CALIENTES" tucked under his coat. After the tape finishes, Chief Wiggum continues the story.]

Wiggum: "Well, Kent, based on the evidence presented by young Bart Simpson, we apprehended the entire gang that same evening. A police force like ours is only as good as its dirty snitches."

Kent: "So, what was in the crate that the young hoodlums stole? Hard liquor? Lottery tickets? Those new food stamps commemorating the '60s?"

Wiggum: "No, Kent! It turns out that what they thought was a case of Mexican beer was in fact a case of wax lips!" [He and the audience laugh.]

Ralph: [in the audience, wearing a pair of wax lips] "My daddy lets me play in the evidence locker!"

[At the breakfast table, Homer folds a pancake around several strips of bacon and revels in his culinary creativity.]

Homer: "Hey! I just invented the bacon/pancake Gordita! Yo quiero Homer!"

[For his crimefighting work, Bart is rewarded with a bulletproof vest. Eager to show it off, he wears it to school the next day, deliberately arriving late.]

Mrs. Krabappel: [calling the roll] "Prince, Martin ..."

Martin: "Here!"

Mrs. Krabappel: "Simpson, Bart ... Bart? No! [gleeful] Ha! It's my lucky day!"

[A sunglasses-wearing Bart makes his entrance, kicking the classroom door open.]

Bart: "Not so fast, Mrs. Krabappel! Me and my vest are present and accounted for, Ma'am!"

[Bart's entrance draws awed reactions from the other kids: "He looks like a movie star!" "Wow!" "Behold the power that is Bart!"]

Mrs. Krabappel: "Actually, it should be 'My vest and I', but since I can see no actual learning will take place today, who cares? Take your seat, Bart."

Bart: "You got it, babe!"

[Bart continues to wear his vest everywhere due to its coolness. Marge stops him just as he's about to leave for school.]

Marge: "Now, look, Bart ..."

Bart: [cutting her off] "Mom, I know you're going to give me a lecture about wearing my vest to school. But how about we both just admit that the vest is way too cool to ever take off and I'll be on my way!"

Marge: "For your information, young man, I was just going to inform you that you forgot your pants."

Bart: [looking down and gasping] "Aye carumba!"

[Having vowed to take revenge on Bart (due to his snitching having gotten them sentenced to an hour of community service), the bullies put their plan into action. Kearney and Jimbo put a beehive in Bart's school locker while Nelson keeps watch outside.]

Nelson: [on walkie-talkie] "Subject is entering the building! Repeat, subject is entering the building, over!"

Kearney: "Copy that, Red Leader! The sting is go! Repeat, the sting is go!"

[Bart opens his locker and the bees go after him, but the vest protects him from being stung. The bees instead turn on Jimbo and Kearney. The scene shifts to the hospital.]

Kearney: [covered in bee stings, using walkie-talkie] "Red Leader, Red Leader, this is K-Dad. Subject escaped. I regret to report that we have a casualty. [pauses] Yeah, turns out Agent J was allergic to bees."

Jimbo: [in hospital bed, also covered in stings, swollen up and barely able to talk] "... Pull ... the ... plug ..."

[Bart and Milhouse visit the Kwik-E-Mart, and Apu admires Bart's vest.]

Apu: "Ah, I see you are wearing the Dominator Mark IV Personal Armored Vest! Good stopping power, and it looks so snappy, too! Why, it is as much at home on the dance floor as it is during a hostage crisis!"

[The bullies' revenge squad is down to Nelson and Kearney after their plan to sic an attack dog on Bart backfires and Dolph is mauled. After they visit Dolph in the hospital (in the bed next to Jimbo), Kearney suggests they just beat the crud out of Bart. The duo corner Bart in an alley and Kearney goes to work, but soon gives up.]

Kearney: "It hurts my fists to hit him on the vest, the comfort straps prevent me from giving him a wedgie, and he's wearing glasses, so I can't hit him in the face. I'm outta ideas, man!"

Nelson: [dismayed] "Dude, it's like I don't even know you anymore!"

Kearney: [walking away] "This bites. I'm sick of being a death squad, anyway. Call me when you're off this assault kick and back to petty larceny. I'm outta here."

[After Bart and his vest save Nelson from being crushed by monorail debris, Bart is rewarded with an fireman's ax for his heroism. No longer wearing the vest, Bart is chopping up Santa's Little Helper's doghouse when Nelson comes along.]

Nelson: "Hey, Simpson. I just wanted to let you know you cost me an hour of statue-polishin', and then you saved my life. I figure that makes us about even."

Bart: "It's not a good deal, but I'll take it!"

Nelson: [admiring Bart's ax] "Nice ax, Simpson. It's got real vandalism potential. So, not wearing your vest anymore?"

Bart: "Nah, those straps were really starting to ride up."

[The scene shifts to a view of Downtown Springfield. Everyone on the street is wearing a bulletproof vest.]

Bart: "Besides, I realized you have to be a real dork to walk around wearing a bulletproof vest!"