Bart on the Road/Quotes
Homer: What's wrong, honey?
Lisa: There's something troubling me, dad, but I don't think I can tell you because it's a secret.
Homer: Ah, you don't have to tell me, but I thought we trusted each other with our secrets now. I mean, I haven't told a soul about your boyfriend.
Lisa: Langdon Alger? Oh, I don't like him anymore. Okay, but you gotta promise you won't get mad or tell anyone, especially Bart.
Homer: I promise.
Lisa: Bart rented a car with a phony driver's license and drove Milhouse, Martin, and Nelson to a week out in Knoxville and their car got crushed and they're out of money and they can't get home and Bart's working as a courier and just came back from Hong Kong!
Homer: [face reddens, then returns to normal] Yes, that's a real pickle. Could you excuse me for a moment? [puts on the radiation suit hood, which muffles his voice; yells his head off as the faceplate fogs up] All right, I have thought this through. I will send Bart the money to fly home, then I will murder him.
Lisa: No, no! Then he'll know I told.
Nelson: What is this place?
Bart: Branson, Missouri. My dad says it's like Vegas… if it were run by Ned Flanders.
Bart: Gentlemen, for our road trip I have taken the liberty of preparing an airtight and utterly plausible alibi for use on our parents.
(Milhouse at home)
Milhouse: I have been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Martin at home)
Martin: I've been selected to represent the school at the national grammar rodeo at the Sheraton Hotel in Canada.
(Nelson at home)
Nelson: (leaving his house) I'm goin' away for a week. See ya!
Marge: The national grammar rodeo? I wish I were going. Oh, wait, wait I wish I was going. Is that right, Bart?
Bart: I dunno.
Lisa: It's not fair. I'm the best student in school, how come I never heard about this competition?
Bart: Maybe because you are, as we say in Latin, a "dorkus malorkus."
Lisa: That's not Latin. Mom, Bart's faking it.
Marge: Lisa, you've had your glory. Now it's Bart's turn.
Homer: Your turn.
Lisa: Hmm, truth.
Homer: Uh, do you have a crush on anyone?
Lisa: Dad!
Homer: Oh, I won't tell anybody.
Lisa: Dad, you tell everybody everything. Even Moe knew when I threw up on the dentist.
(Nelson grabs Milhouse's glasses)
Milhouse: Hey! I need those to see.
Pawnbroker: Ah, these lenses are perfect! Now I can re-bottom those antique Coke bottles. (he begins counting money) Three hundred, four hundred, five hundred, six hundred…
Milhouse: Hey! Come back! hey!
(crashes into the pyramid of Coke bottles)
Pawnbroker: …five hundred, four hundred, three hundred, two hundred, one hundred, zero.
Bart: [reading from a handout] Go To Work With Your Parents Day?
Principal Skinner: [over the P.A.] Yes, Go To Work With Your Parents Day. Tomorrow you will learn by doing and apply your knowledge of fractions and gym to real-world situations.
Lisa: I still don't understand why you get to stay home and watch Mom work.
Bart: Because I've always been an advocate of women in the workplace, Lis. I can't help it if my mom's workplace contains our TV.
Lisa: Okay, time for truth or dare. You go first.
Homer: Ehh, truth. Ask me anything.
Lisa: Who do you love most: me, Bart, or Maggie?
Homer: D'oh! All right, dare.
Bart: Mom, you're blocking the TV. If you need something to do, you can fill out my form -- here. [hands Marge the form] Marge: [reading] Parent's occupation ... please note, homemaker is not allowed, as it is not real work, that's why you don't get paid for it ... ohhh.
Patty: Some days, we don't let the line move at all.
Selma: We call those weekdays. [both of them laugh]
Patty: Good one.
Nelson [after seeing the movie, "Naked Lunch"] I can think of at least two things wrong with that title.
Milhouse: [yells] Spring breeeak! Yeah [pause, then quiet] Well, when are we going to get rowdy?
Bart: Maybe when we find something decent to do with this ID.
Nelson: We could go rent a carpet shampooer.
Martin: [to his flipping dog] Oh boy, Flipsy! You and I are going on a road trip. [Nelson grabs Martin and tosses Flipsy out the window; Flipsy gets run over by a car]
Nelson: HA-ha!
Milhouse: Bart! Nelson hit me!
Bart: He sure did.
Homer: Hi, Lisa, how's your spring break going?
Lisa: I'm learning about owls.
Homer: Oh, owls, eh? So you probably wouldn't want to spend another day at work with me.
Lisa: Sure I would. I can always learn about owls this summer at bird camp.
