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Five Characters in Search of an Author/Quotes
Wikisimpsons - The Simpsons Wiki
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| Five Characters in Search of an Author
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- [Level Entrance]
- Homer: I've achieved my lifetime dream of gathering four key cards. But I can't help wondering, "What next?"
- Homer: We've got so many key cards - I feel like the manager of small hotel! Now what?
- Bart: So we've got 4 key cards, big whoop! What do we do now?
- Bart: So we've got four super-lame key cards. What now?
- [Introduction Cutscene]
- 8-Bit Lisa: Did you get the key cards?
- 8-Bit Bart: And how many points did you get?
- Bart: Video games don't have points any more.
- 8-Bit Homer: No points? But how do you know you're doing good in the game?!
- Lisa: Well, you make progress through the objectives of the game. Like here, we collected the four keys cards.
- 8-Bit Homer: Four points?! That's a pretty sucky score! I got 8,000,000 on a Centipede machine in a Pizza Hut once.
- 8-Bit Homer: But four? Pathetic.
- 8-Bit Bart: Look, how many lives did it take you to get these "cards?"
- Bart: Lives? What do you mean?
- Homer: I mean, I died a lot. And I mean A LOT. But it's not like I have a limited number of "lives."
- 8-Bit Homer: Infinite lives! Then how is the game even hard? What's the point if you can just play forever?
- 8-Bit Bart: The world I grew up in is gone.
- Marge: Look cyber-chums! We need to use the keys to get into that mansion and talk to this "Creator" wacko! Our town is being blown up as we speak! So let's do this thing!
- Homer: Hey, Bart. In these video games, levels get easier as you go along, right? Right?
- Bart: That's right, dad. They sure do. Let's go.
- 8-Bit Homer: Go get em guys! Get your initials at the top of that high score screen! Yeah! Fat chance. Four points, yeesh!
- [Homer and Bart reach the mansion]
- Bart: This is it - the home of our creator. I say we smash his face, bust his stuff, and take a leak on his lawn!
- Homer: Way ahead of you, boy.
- Homer & Bart: (GIGGLING)
- Matt Groening: So they want a war? Well, then it's a war they'll get!
- Matt Groening: Violet, engage the super-toon defense systems!
- Vyolet Diaz: Yes, Mr. Groening.
- Matt Groening: It's "Gray-ning"!
- Vyolet Diaz: Are you sure?
- Matt Groening: No.
- [Homer and Bart at the mansion's entrance]
- Homer: Holy Macaroni, this guy's loaded!
- Homer: I bet this guy thinks he's better than me.
- Homer: I could be this rich - I just choose not to be.
- Homer: Aww, even his lawn is nicer than mine! Maybe I should try hydro-seeding...
- Homer: The stacks of money mean he's wealthy!
- Homer: Who is the creator? I like to think it's the guy who created us.
- Bart: Whoa -- this guy is like Richie Rich, except straight!
- Bart: I'm Bart Simpson - but who the hell is my creator?
- Bart: With this much money, I'd score all the honeys!
- Bart: These sculptures make me uneasy.
- Bart: What are those flowers? (GASPS) Forsythia!
- Bart: Let me breathe in the wealth. Hmmm, Exquisite.
- [Homer and Bart attacking the lawyers]
- Homer: Ahh! Attorneys-at-law!
- Homer: I saw your LSAT'S - they weren't great!
- Homer: Lawyer is just Latin for "nerd"!
- Homer: Time for some tort reform! Mmmm...tort...
- Homer: The movie "Legal Eagles" is terrible!
- Homer: I move for a bad court thingie!
- Homer: You law-talkin' guys have gone too far.
- Homer: I know I'm the first to say it, but I hate lawyers!
- Homer: Oh, I'm tired of fighting off-beat villains.
- Homer: You still haven't paid off your student loans!
- Homer: Your suits are poorly tailored!
- Homer: Stop sharpening your pencils! They're sharp enough.
- Homer: Looks like you just had an "accidente".
- Homer: You're not the first lawyer I've beaten.
- Homer: Woo hoo! Everyone sucks but me!
- Homer: If I had time, I'd drink your blood.
- Homer: Inherit my wind, jerks!
- Bart: (SCREAMS) Lawyers!
- Bart: You just failed the "Bart" exam!
- Bart: Go sharpen a pencil!
- Bart: You went to a second-rate law school!
- Bart: Your ties are ugly!
- Bart: I bet you were nerds in grade school!
- Bart: You're just Milhouse in a suit!
- Bart: Haven't you heard? This country has a lawyer glut!
- Bart: Go chase an ambulance!
- Bart: Battling with lawyers - it's every scofflaw's fantasy!
- Bart: Objection denied!
- Bart: The prosecution rests...forever!
- Bart: I find you guilty...of being lame!
- Bart: You fight so bad, you oughta sue yourself.
- Bart: (LAUGHS) Lawyers are even lamer than teachers!
- [Lawyer enemies]
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Get them!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Lawyers attack!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: There they are!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I'm taking you to court!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: David E. Kelly should make a show about me!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Suck pencil!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Crush! Kill! Litigate!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Lawyers rule, non-lawyers drool!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: You couldn't even do entertainment law!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I'll turn you into a habeus corpus!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Eat our briefs!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I'll kill you, then get myself off for it!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Here's a plea offer: you die, I live!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: This is the case of Awesome lawyers v. Stupid Jerks.
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Dred Scott! We have to kill them!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Stop in the name of Byron "Wizzer" White!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Stop in the name of Felix Frankfurter!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: What the voir dire?!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I'll sue everybody!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Now I'll never make partner!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Help me, American Bar Association!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Ow! My lawyer head!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I went to Brandeis for this?
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Nolo contendre!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: I call for a recess!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: Drat, that smarts!
- Blue-Haired Lawyer: This is a setback, I admit it!
- [Homer and Bart reacting to the "front door bell"]
- Homer: Mmm, I have a sudden urge to sit on a couch...
- Homer: What the? I suddenly want to send money to Danny Elfman.
- Bart: (GASPS) That song! It's been haunting me for years!
- [Homer and Bart meeting the creator"]
- Bart: I betcha our creator is, like, a 1000-foot Godzilla...with big boobs...and he breathes fire snot.
- Matt Groening: Think again! Your creator is TV's most beloved animation visonary!
- Homer: Seth MacFarlane?!
- Matt Groening: Arrgh! Say hello to my little friends!
- [Homer and Bart inside the mansion/reacting to Matt Groening"]
- Homer: Ahh! Our creator looks like a grad student!
- Homer: Our creator is this guy?!
- Homer: This is one superfly crib!
- Homer: I love standing still - I can think about pastries.
- Homer: This mansion is bigger than the inside of Snoopy's doghouse!
- Homer: You know who would love living here? Poor people.
- Homer: Your comic strip confuses me!
- Homer: How dare you name me after your father!
- Homer: Damn your easygoing hipster ways!
- Homer: Stop signing your name on my ass!
- Homer: Stop drawing me stupid!
- Homer: In another life, we could have been friends!
- Homer: In Russia, I created you!
- Homer: Eat curtain, Groening!
- Homer: Boo-ya!
- Homer: In your face, creator!
- Bart: (GASPS) This is the dude who created us?
- Bart: This place is amazing. I don't know what to break first!
- Bart: This place is huge. Check it out - "BOOGER!"
- Bart: Check out this creepy artwork! (SHUDDERS)
- Bart: Your animation style is crude, dude!
- Bart: You sucked at ComiCon!
- Bart: Go write "Life in Hell"!
- Bart: Move along, you friendly millionaire!
- Bart: Akbar and Jeff can't save you now!
- [Homer and Bart reacting to Bender and Zoidberg]
- Homer: Aah! Low-rated future robots!
- Homer: Your show's too hard!
- Homer: I like your style, but you gotta go!
- Homer: See you in hell, R2D2!
- Homer: I hate your weird mouth-line!
- Homer: Go cry to your Future-Mama!
- Homer: Hu! That weird thing I saw once!
- Homer: Your jokes are too obscure!
- Homer: I'm gonna eat your face with melted butter!
- Homer: You're not even a real doctor!
- Homer: Go cry to that weird one-eyed lady!
- Homer: Female viewers found you off-putting!
- Homer: Eat death, weirdos!
- Homer: Suck it!
- Homer: I hate you because you're different!
- Homer: I can't believe we shared a timeslot!
- Homer: Zoidberg? Oh, I know what kinda name that is.
- Homer: Take that, bait face!
- Bart: (SCREAMS) It's Bender, from Futurama!
- Bart: Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto!
- Bart: Go back to Adult Swim!
- Bart: Take that, you hunk of junk!
- Bart: You're just a mechanical Homer!
- Bart: Go cry to Leila!
- Bart: (GASPS) It's cult favorite Dr. Zoidberg!
- Bart: What the hell is that?
- Bart: Nobody gets your jokes!
- Bart: You were too weird for network TV!
- Bart: You're too gross even for me!
- Bart: Don't you dare get ink on me!
- Bart: You're my least favorite Billy West character!
- Bart: Take that, lobster-face!
- [Matt Groening]
- Matt Groening: Prepare to be destroyed by warriors of the future!
- Matt Groening: Ow! Curtain burn! Curtain burn!
- Matt Groening: (GRUNT) My evil plans been foiled by a curtain yet again!
- Matt Groening: Hey four-fingered yellow morons -- I'm over here now!
- Matt Groening: Look I have a teleporter -- just like in Space Trek!
- Matt Groening: I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
- Matt Groening: Why you little!
- Matt Groening: You made me rich, now I'll make you dead!
- Matt Groening: When you guys are dead, I'm gonna marry Marge!
- Matt Groening: Well, if it isn't fat man and little boy! Or should I say, fat ugly man and stupid little boy!
- Matt Groening: Thanks for the mansions, losers!
- Matt Groening: I'm gonna kill you and put your images on sugary breakfast cereals!
- Matt Groening: Ah, like many successful artists, I resent my own creations!
- Matt Groening: I wish I'd created "Family Guy."
- Matt Groening: Hey jackasses, eat my shorts!
- Matt Groening: Why did I agree to be in this stupid video game?
- Matt Groening: I miss my collection of vintage perfumes and colognes.
- Matt Groening: Oh man, I broke my iPod!
- Matt Groening: You have not seen the last of syndicated cartoonist Matt Groening!
- Matt Groening: You don't scare me. I'm friends with Lynda Barry!
- Matt Groening: You may destroy me -- but I've already got my cut of the merchandising!!! Ha, ha, ha, ha! (EVIL LAUGH)
- Matt Groening: Homer, Bart... I bid you -- up yours!
- Matt Groening: Off I go, for more authentic Cantonese Dim Sum!
- [Bender and Zoidberg clones]
- Bender: You stupid sacks of meat!
- Bender: Hey fleshies -- you suck!
- Bender: I'm gonna bend the hell out of you!
- Bender: Bender likes to bend human flesh!
- Bender: I'm gonna wear your skin like a Mardi Gras costume!
- Bender: I know it's a cliché, but "crush kill destroy!
- Bender: The future's gonna kick your ass!
- Bender: Damn your high ratings!
- Bender: I'm coming back strong on DVD!
- Bender: I was a hit on the cartoon network!
- Bender: Metal beats meat!
- Bender: I'm gonna go "I, Robot" on your asses!
- Bender: Asimov's first law of robotics -- robots rule!
- Bender: Exterminate! Exterminate!
- Bender: Kill all humans -- especially you!
- Bender: Ow! My shiny metal ass!
- Bender: I messed myself!
- Bender: I scratched my new paint job!
- Bender: I fell on my hard disk!
- Bender: I think I broke my floppy drive!
- Bender: I need a sexy robot nurse!
- Bender: The bender has become the bent!
- Bender: I'm bleeding oil internally.
- Bender: Does anyone have any spare parts?
- Bender: Robot down! Robot down!
- Zoidberg: I will lay my eggs in your brains!
- Zoidberg: I slap my thorax in contempt!
- Zoidberg: If you're looking for trouble, you found it!
- Zoidberg: Even for non-lobsters you're ugly!
- Zoidberg: My claws will pinch your private areas!
- Zoidberg: When you're dead, I get your money!
- Zoidberg: Zoidberg will bring eternal sleep!
- Zoidberg: I will use your blood as leave-in conditioner!
- Zoidberg: The lobster will eat a human roll! (CRAZED LAUGHS)
- Zoidberg: The crustacean will crush you -- get it?
- Zoidberg: I'm a doctor of human-killing... and podiatry.
- Zoidberg: I will digest you in my stomach for a thousand years!
- Zoidberg: Bow before Zoidberg!
- Zoidberg: Oy, I'm gonna give you such a pinch on the tushy!
- Zoidberg: After you die -- latkes for everyone!
- Zoidberg: I peed my meat!
- Zoidberg: Who will give love to Zoidberg?
- Zoidberg: I feel pain and loneliness!
- Zoidberg: Doctor Zoidberg needs a real doctor!
- Zoidberg: I'm suing -- call Lawyer Zoidberg!
- Zoidberg: Fetch Zoidberg's Gold Bond Medicated Powder!
- Zoidberg: You hurt my feelings, and my feelers!
- Zoidberg: I need fifty cc's of drawn butter -- stat!
- Zoidberg: Boo hoo hoo -- you made lobster cry!
- Zoidberg: Someone call my therapist!
- [Ending Cutscene]
- Lisa: Bart! Dad! You just vanquished your own creator - the philosophical implications would make Eugene Ionesco's head spin!
- Homer: Hmmm, you make a provocative point, Lisa. And furthermore...Kick him!
- Marge: Stop kicking the man who doodled you! It isn't nice!
- Homer & Bart: Yes, ma'am.
- Matt Groening: Thank you for saving me Ma'am -- I'm enduring grateful.
- Lisa: Mr. Groening, how could you have betrayed us - the fruits of your creative loins - and sold us out to all these awful video games where we endlessly die and lose health and jump and jump and jump?!
- Matt Groening: I swear I didn't know they'd be awful, Lisa. If I'd known, I only would have stuck to slapping your faces on mugs, T-shirts, candy, lunchboxes, board games, gum, novelty flying disks, and fluffy, fluffy beach towels.
- Simpsons: (ANGRY MURMURS)
- Matt Groening: Ha, ha, ha! Now if you'll excuse me...
- Simpsons: Video game engine self-destruct button!
- Matt Groening: So long, suckers!
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