Difference between revisions of "Homer the Heretic/Quotes"

Revision as of 20:46, November 22, 2010

Homer: "Hey Apu, why are you not in church?"

Apu: "Oh, but I am in church! I have built a small shrine to Ganesh, the Hindu god of wisdom in the employee's lounge."

Apu shows Homer his handmade shrine

Homer: "Hey Ganesh, want a peanut?"

Apu: "Please do not offer my god a peanut."

Doorbell to Simpson residence rings. Homer answers the door to see it is Krusty going door-to-door appealing for donations.

Krusty: Hello, I am with the American Federation of Jewish Clowns. We work to provide relief to victims of clown-related accidents. Just last year a gale wind caused the roof of a banquet hall to collapse. 54 clowns perished. The rescue workers had trouble finding everyone will all the nose squakers making noise. Oh, the humanity!

Homer: Hey! Is this a religious thing?

Krusty: A religious clown thing, sir.

Homer slams door in Krusty's face.

Homer wakes up to find the Simpson residence is aflame and he is trapped inside.

Homer: Ahh! What do I do? What do I do? Homer coughs Oh, the song. The song!

Homer{singing}: When the fire starts to burn,

There's a lesson you must learn.

Something something, then you'll see:

You'll avoid catastrophe!

Homer realizes he forgot the lyrics

Homer{talking}: D'oh!

Apu, looking through binoculars, observes that the Simpson residence is aflame.

Apu{talking to himself}: Fire at the old Simpson place! It is my responsibility to deal with it as...

Apu dons fire chief's helmet.

Apu:...Fire Chief! You are on your honor not to steal anything!

Jimbo Jones and his gang snicker.

Jimbo{sarcastically}: We promise.

Apu: Just as I thought. I leave my nephew Ravi in charge while I am away.

Apu picks up Ravi, who is a small child and places him atop counter.

Ravi: I will not fail you, Uncle Apu.

Ravi loads a double-barreled shotgun. Jimbo and his gang react in horror and drop all the shoplifted items.

Homer: Flanders, you saved me! Why?

Ned: Heck! You would have done the same for me.

Homer imagines the Flanders residence aflame. Ned is yelling out the window while Homer is lounging in the hammock

Ned: Help! Help!

Homer: He he he he ha he.

Homer returns to reality.

Homer: "That's right, old friend."

Reverend Lovejoy: Homer, I hope you learned about God as a result of this ordeal.

Homer: Indeed I have. God is a vengeful god. He burned down my home because He was angry with me. Almighty Lord, tell me what you want and it shall be done!

Reverend Lovejoy: No, no! That is an incorrect potrayal of God. He did not burn down your house. Rather, God was working through people of various beliefs to save you.

Reverend Lovejoy points out Ned Flanders.

Reverend Lovejoy: Christian.

Reverend Lovejoy points out Krusty.

Reverend Lovejoy: Jew.

Reverend Lovejoy points out Apu.

Reverend Lovejoy: And, uh, miscellaneous.

Apu: With all due respect Reverend, I would imagine you would be more familiar in your studies with the Hindu faith. There are 700 million of us in the world.

Reverend Lovejoy: Hey, that's super!

Homer: "What's the meaning of life?"

God: "Homer, I can't tell you that. You'll find out when you die."

Homer: "I can't wait that long!"

God: "You can't wait six months?"

Homer:"No, tell me now!"

God:"Oh, all right. The meaning of life is—"

Show Ends

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