Treehouse of Horror XXII/Transcript
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Bart Simpson: [laughs] Massive haul this year.
Lisa Simpson: To candy.
Maggie Simpson: [suck]
Marge Simpson: Fee fi, fo fum, give me all your candy and gum.
Bart: Who are you and why do you want our candy?
Homer Simpson: Your mother is the Switch Witch - a sort of tooth fairy-genie.
Marge: I take your sugary sweets, and I give you healthy items. [holds up a toothbrush and puts it in to Lisa's bucket] Plain, brown toothbrushes, [holds up dental floss and puts it in to Maggie's bucket] unflavored dental floss, [holds up mouthwash and puts it in to Bart's bucket] and fun-sized mouth washes - TSA approved.
Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.
Marge: Now remember, Homie, that candy goes to--
Homer: Our fighting men and women overseas. It's our way of letting them know we're having fun back here.
Marge: No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself.
Homer: Marge, you know I'd never do that. I'm too scared of the evil Switch Witch.
Marge: The Switch Witch is me.
Homer: You know, on some level I've always known. [runs to the car and drives off]
Homer: ♫ I've got candy, skip to my lou. My insulin'll spike, that's what it's going to do. I'm gonna buy me some diabetic shoes, skip to my lou, my-- ♫
Homer: What the..? D'oh! Argh!
Homer: D'oh! [uses phone] Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.
911 operator: Copy that, sir, we'll be there in 20 minutes.
Homer: What?! I can't wait that long for candy. The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm. [puts in some vampire teeth] [bites] Ow. [bites] Ow. I'm not gonna swallow cause I wanna save room for candy. [bites]
Homer: Oops. [bites]
Homer: Hmm, I'm really getting the hang of this.
Homer: Ahh, worth it for candy.
Bart: Dad? Dad? [gasp] He opened his eyes. Mom!
Homer: [in his head] OK, on the floor, I can't move, so far a normal Sunday morning.
Marge: Homie, you're paralyzed. But we love you, and we'll never give up hope.
Bart: Can his funeral be on a school day?
Homer: [in his head] This is so horrible. I can't speak.
Homer: Oh-ho-ho. How did this happen?
Homer: Last thing I remember, I was decorating the house for Halloween.
Homer: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when the squalor of our homes are advantaged.
Homer: Where's that spider? [picks up real spider] Ah! [laughs] Squeeze. [squeezes spider and laughs] Squeeze squeeze. [squeezes spider and laughs] A real spider would get so mad if I did this. I wonder if this thing has batteries.
Homer: It's alive?
Homer: Well, at least I still look good.
Marge: OK, handsome, that's enough preempting. Well, just because you've had a little setback doesn't mean you can't look your best.
Homer: [in his head] Oh, Marge. This is the purest love there is. Patient, supportive—ooh, cleavage.
Lisa: Dad, I'm going to entertain you with the help of The Brothers Karamazov. Aleksey Fyodorovich Karamazov was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, a land owner well known in our district in his own day and still remembered among us--
Homer: [in his head] Oh, God, she's still on the first sentence! Must make her stop. How to express my-- [farts]
Lisa: Dad, ohhh. Anyway, continuing... for the present I will always say that this land owner, for so--
Lisa: Ewwww, Dad! [gasps] Wait a minute, can you pass gas at will? Fart once for no, twice for yes.
Lisa: Oh, my God! Dad, do you realize what this means?
Lisa: Well, it means that you can communicate.
Lisa: Exactly. [laughs] I'll recite the alphabet and you tell me when to stop. A, B, C, D--
Lisa: OK, first letter, D. Next letter. A, B, C, D, E--
Lisa: D-E, amazing! Oh, but before we continue. [opens the window and takes a breath] Okay. A--
Lisa: Dearest Marge, though my body can not move, my heart still beats and my brain still brains.
Lisa: I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say.
Lisa: Perhaps some day there will be a cure, although if it requires [Homer farts] months of difficult therapy, I'll pass.
Lisa: You are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours. For further communication, I will require more beans. I love you.
Marge: Oohh, Homie.
Marge: Shh shh shh. [holds her hand to Homer's butt] Don't say a word. [kisses Homer]
Homer: [in his head] I guess my life isn't so bad. With the help of my loving family, I even published my first book.
Homer: [in his head] And I've finally reached a state of serenity and--
Homer: [in his head] Another spider?
Homer: [in his head] What's this bite gonna do? [gasp] My wrists are tingling. I feel new powers surging within me.
Robber: He's got the proportionate strength of a paralyzed spider.
Other robber: Forget paying for my kid's operation, I'm outta here.
Chief Wiggum: They say no two ass webs are the same. Beautiful in its way.
Marge: Wanna go home and celebrate?
Man: I wish I could move like him.
Ned Flanders: Springfield - my home town. Pretty little place. Although even if the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.
Mrs. Muntz: Hey, whiskers, wanna party?
Flanders: Spend less time on your back, and more time on your knees. [drives off]
Mrs. Muntz: Have I lost my back alley beauty? Well, those that can't do, teach.
Flanders: No more distractions. I have work to do.
Flanders: [voiceover] All these years I thought murder was a sin. Then I got new instructions from the good lord Himself's favorite language - English.
God: Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes.
Flanders: Are you sure, Lord?
God: If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water. Now I've got to go. A hip-hop star is taking me at the VMA.
Flanders: [voiceover] And so white bread Ned became the avenging sword of the Lord.
Flanders: Peter, Andrew, James the Greater, the Lesser, John, Phillip, Thadeus.
Flanders: Heavenly father, I--
Flanders: Patty and Selma? Sure, they smoke, and they don't shave much of anything, but do they deserve to die?
God: Do not question me, a star of the Bible.
Homer: On a non-murder-related note, I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car. It's uhh, you know, it's a "chigga chigga chigga chigga", but you only hear it when you're driving over 30, and you never' hear it when you take it to the shop.
God: Then, it sounds perfect!
Ned: Yes, lord!
Marge: Homer, have you notice how many of your enemies have died lately? Mr. Burns? Sideshow Bob?
Homer: You forgot Patty and Selma. Oh, wait, that hasn't happened yet.
Marge: Patty and Selma? Who's next, Ned Flanders?
Homer: Now how would that work?
Homer: OK, stupid Flanders, first, I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor that gave Homer Simpson and cone that had a little air in it.
Ned: [through Voice Changer] Really?
Homer: Come on! God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament!
Bart: Hey, dad.
Homer: Hey, Bart. [Homer realizes his mistake] I mean, Jesus. [covers microphone] Son, want Flanders to kill anybody? He's totally in my power.
Bart: Well, there's a tall boy in front of me in class, so I can't see the board.
Homer: And I sayeth unto you, slay every tall boy in town.
Ned: Homer Simpson. [Homer screams] You made a killer out of me.
Homer: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?
Ned: I'm going to kill you! [Homer screams] Because of you I'm going to Hell!
Ned: Hell! Damn! Backside! Nothin' matters anymore, I'm going down and my hand basket seats too.
Homer: Pfft wake up, Flanders. There is no Hell. And there is no God. If there were, would he let me do this?
God: Why you little.
Marge: [gasp] What happened?
God: Uhh, Flanders killed Homer.
Ned: But, but..
Marge: But you're God! Couldn't you make everything the way it was?
God: Well, I could, but the big man downstairs wouldn't like it.
The Devil: [points to God] Get me a coffee!
God: Yes, sir. [leaves, then returns with a coffee]
Ned: Could this get any worse?
Maude: Honey, come back to bed.
Ned:' Oh, for crying out loud.
Gary Chalmers: People, you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy. Extreme temperatures, vicious indigenous life forms. Are there any questions?
Cletus Spuckler: Are we in Kansas anymore?
Brandine Del Roy: Well, are we in Nebraska?
Chalmers: No. We are not in any state.
Cletus: Oh, oh, is it Michigan?
Chalmers: [sigh] Nobody talk anymore. You will now direct your attention to our CEO, Mr. Krusty the Clown.
Krusty the Clown: We are here on the facacta planet for one reason, Hillarium. [points to a hologram] Spray this in an audience, and they'll laugh at anything, and I need some now! Gotta play a Nazi party rally. Oh yeah, they're back.
Chalmers: Our spies will go planet-side, locate said Hillarium, and contact us so that we may begin extraction. This is a delicate mission that requires utter loyalty. I can think of no better candidate, than the resentful guy in the wheelchair who has just arrived.
Chalmers: Yes, I think this is going to work out just fine.
Lisa: All strapped in?
Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.
Bart: Woah-ho-ho-ho, check out this bitchin' bod'! Oh man, if I could just have five minutes alone with my old bullies.
Jimbo Jones: Hey, abat-turd.
Bart: Are you guys gonna beat me up?
Dolph Starbeam: Nah, we can't
Kearney Zzyzwicz: These Avatar 80 billion dollars each
Jimbo: But your human body costs nothing.
Bart: Come on, let's bond, you stupid jerk.
Milhouse Van Houten: That's a Japanese outlet, Bart, you need an adapter.
Bart: Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.
Taxi driver: Where you go? Where you go? No meter it's cheaper, yeah?
Bart: No thanks.
Taxi driver: Suit yourself, you one-eyed bastard.
Bart: Oh, the only thing that looks good on the planet is the bananas.
Bart: Ay caramba!
Bart: Thanks, dude.
Kamala: I am a female.
Bart: [yells] You don't have to yell!
Kamala: I am not yelling, this is my seductive voice. I am called Kamala.
Milhouse: Oh, even when we're monsters, he gets the girl. [kicks a rock]
Kamala: Fool, every part of this world is alive. Apologize to Sister Rock.
Milhouse: [picks some flowers] Sorry, Sister Rock.
Kamala: Now you've murdered our brothers, the flowers.
Milhouse: Stupid, stupid--
Kamala: Now you're having sex with Uncle Tree. Thank the Almighty Fungus you are wiser, and cuter than your friend.
Bart: Hey, what gives, man?
Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.
Bart: Don't you mean tentacles?
Kamala: I know what I said.
Bart: Ay caramba!
Hyman Krustofsky: Today, you are a man. Mazel tov!
Bart: So, was it OK?
Kamala: It was serviceable.
'Bart: [sigh] Boy, back on Earth we don't have so many moons.
Kamala: What do you mean, "back on Earth"?
Bart: Uh, it's a place on the other side of this planet that's very rainy so you can only see one moon. You know, like Portland.
Kamala: I never hear of this "port land", but on Rigel 7, lack of eye contact and too many details indicate the telling of truth. I love you, sugar slime.
Bart: Man, you are full of surprises.
Bart: I can't believe I'm getting combat pay for this.
Kang or Kodos: Here, feel the wonder of 1 million fetuses.
Bart: Urgh, you said you were using birth control! That only keeps me from giving birth while we are having sex.
Milhouse: How do those mountains float?
Kang or Kodos: They don't, they are falling.
Kang or Kodos: Now that Kamala has a slug in the oven, we must make sure she gets her daily dose of Hillarium.
Kang or Kodos: Without it, her crankiness will become unbearable.
Kang or Kodos: Unfortunately, our environment is too hostile to grow pickles.
Kang or Kodos: And the only flavor ice cream we have is butter brickle.
Kang or Kodos: To repeat, no pickles, butter brickle.
Kang or Kodos: It is the Rigellian way.
Bart: So where can I load up on this Hillarium?
Kang or Kodos: Listen closely. [yells] The Hillarium is found in the sacred secretions of the Queen.
Milhouse: We have located the Hillarium, lock in on my signal.
Bart: Traitor. How dare you betray I got laid on.
Chalmers: They're all in one place, let's fry these calamari and dip 'em in a sauce made of their own blood.
Seymour Skinner: And wine, from their own grapes.
Chalmer: That's not so bad.
Skinner: It's.. a little bad.
Bart: So Kamala, where do we keep all our tanks and planes and stuff?
Kamala: We have no tanks. Our planet will protect us.
Bart: Oh, man, you sound like my art teacher. Look a little like her, too.
Bart: I guess this is a good time to tell you I've been a double agent all this time. But now I am totally on your side.
Kamala: And this is a good time to tell you, I have space warts, and I got them from Milhouse.
Chalmers: Time for a good, old-fashioned, servo suit bulldozer-saurus fight.
Chalmers: Damn it.
Bart: Yo, Colonel, you got some shmoots on your cheek.
Chalmers: Where, here?
Kamala: Had they asked for the Hillarium, we would have simply have given it to them. In Rigellian, there is no word for "yours" or "mine".
Kang or Kodos: That's the reason we didn't enjoy the movie, Yours, Mine and Ours.
Lisa: Halloween is over, which means, America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping, and fuse our stagnant economy with dollars we don't really have.
Bart: And, whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.
Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs 27 Americans their jobs.
Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year round, the holidays are for your bartender. [laughs]
Grampa Simpson: When are we doing the Black Swan?