"Homer's Barbershop Quartet"
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Mayor Quimby: "Welcome, swappers, to the Springfield Swap Meet. Ich bin ein Springfield Swap Meet patron!"
George Harrison: (responding to the Be Sharps' rooftop concert) "It's been done."
(Comic Book Guy puts the "Melvin and the Squirrel" record on.)
Record: "Stuck a feather in his cap and called it Rice-a-Roni." "MEL-VIN!"
George Harrison: "Hello, Homer. I'm George Harrison."
Homer: "Oh, my god. OH, MY GOD! Where did you get that brownie?"
George: "Over there. There's a big pile of 'em"
Homer: (excited, gobbles some down) Oh, man!
George: "Well, what a nice fella!"
Apu: "Apu Nahasapeemapetilon."
Nigel: "Hmm. Never fit on a marquee, love. From now on, your name is Apu de Beaumarche."
Apu: "That is a great dishonor to my ancestors and God...but okay."
(Homer addresses the crowd after finishing the B-Sharps New York performance)
Homer: "I'd like to introduce you all to a very special woman. She's 200 years old, 500 feet tall, and weighs 400..."(winks) "Tons."
Man in Crowd:" This gigantic woman will devour us all! YAAAAGH! "(Jumps into River)
Homer: "I meant the statue."
(Chief Wiggum shoots the TV)
Sarah Wiggum: "Clancy, use the remote."
Abe: "That's my son up there!"
Jasper: "What, the balding fatass?"
Abe: "Uh, no, the Hindu guy."
Bart: (after looking at record sleeve) "You wrote a song, dad?"
Homer: "I'm surprised you don't remember, son. It was only eight years ago."
Bart: "Dad, I can't even remember what happened eight minutes ago. [everyone laughs] No, I can't. It's a serious problem!"
Homer: (laughs) "Who cares?"
Bart: Oh boy! Free trading cards!
Milhouse: Wow! Joseph of Arimathea! 26 conversions in A.D. 46.
Nelson: Whoa, a Methuselah rookie card!
Flanders: (chuckles) Well boys, who'd have thought learning about religion could be fun?
Nelson: Let's get out of here!
Homer: We were about to learn an iron law of show business; what goes up must come down.
Lisa: What about Bob Hope? He's been consistently popular for over fifty years.
Bart: So's Sinatra.
Homer: Well, anyway, we were all getting tired of...
Lisa: Dean Martin still packs 'em in.
Bart: Ditto Tom Jones.
Homer: Shut up!
Bart: Barbershop? That ain't been popular since aught-six, dagnabbit.
Homer: Bart, what did I tell you?
Bart: No talking like a grizzled 1890's prospector, consarn it.
Lisa: Wow, an original Malibu Stacey from 1958! [sees the huge, pointed breasts] Oh...
Man: Yeah, they took her off the market after some kid put both his eyes out.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David Crosby: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: You're a musician?
Human Fly: Hello, Human Fly here! Come on, I spent all night dying my underwear.
Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool.
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
Homer: Well, one of us made some money. I sold a guy our spare tire. (the tire blows out) D'oh!
Reporter: I have a question for Apu du Beaumarchais. Isn't it true that you're really an Indian?
Apu: By the many arms of Vishnu, I swear it is a lie.
Reporter: Principal Skinner, you've been referred to as "the funny one." Is that reputation justified?
Principal Skinner: (seriously) Yes. Yes, it is.
(Homer, Apu and Skinner, with stubble on their faces, are in the recording studio)
Homer, Apu, Skinner: (singing off-key) For all the latest medical poop, Call Surgeon General C. Everett Koop. Poo poo pa-doop...
Apu: This is worse than your song about Mr. T.
Homer: I pity the fool who doesn't like... he. And where's Barney?
Principal Skinner: Oh, he's with his new girlfriend, the Japanese conceptual artist.
(Barney and his girlfriend walk in, and Barney inserts a demo tape into a recorder)
Barney: Barbershop is in danger of growing stale! I'm taking it to strange new places!
(On the recorder)
Barney's Girlfriend: Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches) Number eight... (Barney belches)
Moe: Hey Barney, what'll it be?
Barney: I'd like a beer, Moe!
Barney's Girlfriend: I'd like a single plum floating in perfume served in a man's hat.
Moe: Here you go!
Ned: You know, Reverend, this really isn't a hymn.
Reverend Lovejoy: Ned, there's an oil stain in the parking lot that looks just like St. Barnabas.
Ned: Oh, my stars!
Moe: Those girls you paid to scream are doing a great job.
Nigel: I didn't pay any girls to scream.
Skinner: Only one question remains, gentlemen...what do we call ourselves?
Nigel: How about, "Handsome Homer Simpson Plus Three?"
Barney: I like it!
Apu: Wait, I do not.
Skinner: Er, um, we need a name that's witty at first, but that seems less funny each time you hear it.
Apu: How about, "The Be Sharps?"
[Everyone laughs loud at first, then less, then the laughter tapers off]
Homer: What'd you kids get?
Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.
Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
Marge: Homer, you're going to be famous!
Homer: Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge: Hmm, have you seen Bart?
Homer: Ehh, I stuck him somewhere. [scene shows Bart under a laundry basket, tapping a cup on it]
Grampa [singing]: Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O! And on this farm he had a chick, the swingingest' chick I know! With a wiggle wiggle here and a wiggle wiggle there.
Homer: Get of the stage!
Grampa: I want to, but I can't!
Homer: Lisa, did you see the Grammys?
Lisa: You beat Dexy's Midnight Runners.
Homer: Well, you haven't heard the last of them.
Lisa: Wow, look at all this Be Sharps merchandise. Lunch boxes... coffee mugs...funny foam...[squirts some on Homer]
Homer: They took the foam off the market because they found out it was poisonous, but if you ask me, if you're dumb enough to eat it, you deserve to die. [looks over] Bart!
Bart: [through a mouth full of foam] What?
(Apu returns to work at the Kwik-E-Mart)
Apu: It may not be glamorous, but it's good honest work.
Customer: How much is this quart of milk?
Apu: Twelve dollars.
Homer [when he comes back to work]: Hey, fellows, I'm back!
Carl: Oh, that's great. Your replacement was getting tired. [shot of a chicken in Homer's chair, pecking the controls] Hey, Queenie, you can go now!
Homer: I'll give her a good home. [scene goes back to Bart and Lisa, centered on Homer's stomach] And I did.
Bart: Man, that's some story!
Lisa: But there are still a few things I don't get. Like, how come we never heard about this until today?
Bart: Yeah, and what happened to the money you made?
Lisa: Why haven't you hung up your gold records?
Bart: Since when could you write a song?
Homer: [laughs] There are perfectly good answers to those questions. But they'll have to wait for another night. Now off to bed!