Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes
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Chief Wiggum: This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.
Bart [at breakfast]: Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims?
Lisa: Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross!
Bart: You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]
Bart: What's wrong, Dad?
Homer: [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now...[back to normal] Ooh, bacon!
Marge: Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you!
Homer: It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump]
Marge: [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go.
Homer: What the hell is this?
Marge: Nice, healthy oatmeal.
Homer: [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink]
Marge: No there isn't.
Homer: Trust me. [starts eating bacon]
Bart: Dad, there's a bug on that.
Homer: Naah. [keeps on eating]
[at the gas station]
Homer: I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
[The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]
Attendant: It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump.
Homer: Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away]
Boy: Where's he going?
Attendant: You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix?
Boy: We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?!
Attendant: You're a dull boy, Billy.
Mr. Burns [about Homer's eating donuts]: Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers?
Smithers: Err...no, sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder.
Mr. Burns: Damn their oily hides!
[a "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast]
Mr. Burns: Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello...
Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ...and goodbye! You're fired!
Homer: [gags; his heart speeds up]
Mr. Burns: But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled...
Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ...at goofing off!
Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster]
Mr. Burns: Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig...
Homer: Whew...[heart slows down]
Mr. Burns: ...a grave for!
Homer: Aaargh! [heart beats faster]
Mr. Burns: Your indolence is inefficacious!
Homer: [stares blankly; his heart beats normally]
Mr. Burns: That means, you're terrible!
Homer: Aarrggghh! [his heart goes crazy and he collapses; his astral body rises from Homer's physical body]
Smithers: [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead.
Mr. Burns: Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow.
Homer's astral body: Mmm...ham...[returns to Homer's body]
Smithers: No, wait. He's alive.
Mr. Burns: Oh good. Cancel the ham.
Homer: D'oh!
Marge: [answers the phone] Hello...Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves]
Patty: Oh my God.
Selma: What?
Patty: 5 cents off wax paper.
Selma: [slaps her cheek in amazement]
Homer [to Dr. Hibbert]: Remember your Hippopotamus oath!
Marge: Can't you do something for him?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is.
Homer: What an age we live in!
[Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]
Dr. Hibbert: Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system.
Nurse: But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet!
Dr. Hibbert: Good Lord!
Homer: Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!
Dr. Hibbert: Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation.
Homer: Say it in English, Doc.
Dr. Hibbert: You're going to need open heart surgery.
Homer: Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo.
Dr. Hibbert: We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker.
Homer: Could you dumb it down a shade?
Marge: Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well.
Dr. Hibbert: Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000.
Homer: Aaarrrggh! [collapses]
Dr. Hibbert: I'm afraid it's now $40,000.
Marge: Don't you have a health plan at work?
Homer: We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge.
Marge: D'oh!
Homer: Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!
[Homer's at "Happy Widow's Insurance"]
Clerk: Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions.
Homer: Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away.
Clerk: Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero.
Homer: Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages".
Clerk: All right. Here's your policy.
Homer: Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just--
Clerk: Wait, you haven't signed it yet.
Homer: [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ...must...sign...policy!
Clerk: [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you!
Homer: I made an H!
Clerk: That doesn't count!
Homer: Looks like an X.
[the clerk manages to pull it away]
Clerk: We better get you to a hospital.
Homer: Can I have a free calendar?
Clerk: OK.
Homer: Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!
[with Reverend Lovejoy]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? [Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]
[with Rabbi Krustofsky]
Homer: Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000?
Rabbi Krustofsky: Hmm?
Bart: Any luck, Dad?
Homer: No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel]
Bart: What is that?
Homer: Son, it's called a droodel.
Bart: Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation.
Lisa: We feel neither highs or lows.
Homer: Really? What's it like?
Lisa: Ehh. [shrugs]
Bart: Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.
Homer: Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.
Bart: What about Abraham Lincoln?
Homer: He sold poison milk to school children.
Homer: Bed goes up, bed goes down...
Ned [praying]: Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.
Grampa: They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!
Barney: When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it!
Homer: Barney, I'm not getting a sex change!
Barney: What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?
Moe: Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake.
Homer: Thanks, Moe. [drinks it]
Moe: You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.
- Doctor: Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. (crack/gush)
- Dr. Nick: [recoils] Ohh, no! Blood! Bleh!
- Doctor: Next, make an incision in the coronary artery –
- Host: And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
- [show a man with a cash register head; an old man with a palm tree; a broom head; a pumpkinhead; and a kettle head]
- Dr. Nick: Oh no, no, someone taped over the end of this!
- Pumpkinhead: All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect.
- Host: And a new candle now and then?
- Pumpkinhead: Yes, and a new – no!
Homer: Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see...er...Oh, I'm no good at this.
Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up...
Lisa: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: ...because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man.
Bart: Thanks, Dad.
Homer: And Lisa...
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: I guess this is the time to tell you...
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: ...that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart!
Bart: [whispers into Homer's ear]
Homer: But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you.
Lisa: Oh, Dad. [hugs him]
Dr. Nick: Hi, everybody!
Crowd: Hi, Dr. Nick!
Dr. Nick: If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!
Moe: Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson.
Barney: How long has it been?
Moe: 6 seconds.
Barney: Do we have to start over?
Moe: Hell no.
Apu: Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health?
Customer: Give me some jerky.
Apu: Would you like some vodka with that?
Customer: Oh, what the hell, sure.
Dr. Nick: Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!
Dr. Nick: The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.
Lisa: All right, Dad!
Bart: You rule intensive care!
