Kamp Krusty/Quotes

I dreamt it was the last day of school! Well, it is! How do I know this isn't some beautiful dream, too?
 * [Homer whacks Bart on the head with a newspaper.]

Ow! You know, a pinch is more traditional.

Homer, you do remember your promise to the children? Sure do. When you're 18, you're out the door!

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Here are your final report cards. I have nothing left to say to any of you, so if nobody minds, let's just quietly run out the clock.

Mrs. Krabappel, if I don't get at least a 'C' average, I can't go to Kamp Krusty! Have a 'D'-lightful summer.

[when the bells ring] Wait a minute! You didn't learn how World War II ended!
 * [The class waits expectantly.]

We won! [running out of the building cheering] Yay! U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A!

So Bart, will you be joining me in the bucolic splendour of ? You bet. Check out this hand: All aces. [laughs] A plus! Oh, Bart, why didn't you at least forge plausible grades? Oh...

Well, Dad, here's my report card. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. 'A+'!? You don't think much of me, do you, boy? No, sir. You know a 'D' turns into a 'B' so easily. You just got greedy. So I won't get to go to camp? Now, Bart, we made this deal because I thought it would help you get good grades. And you didn't. But why should you pay for my mistake? You mean I can go? Yeah. I didn't want you hangin' around all summer anyway. Oh, Dad! You're the best father a boy could ever have. Thanks, son. Now, you've got little hands ... could you reach under the mower and pull out that skate?

Hey, hands off my pickle! I don't see your name on it, boy! No, but-- [licks the pickle] Oh, yeah? [dunks the pickle in his milk] Checkmate! Always thinking two moves ahead. It's our last family dinner for six weeks. But I promised myself I wouldn't cry.
 * [The others ignore her and continue to eat.]

[crying] Oh, I'm going to miss this.

Lisa, watch out for poison ivy. Remember, leaves of three, let it be. Leaves of four, eat some more! [Laughs]


 * [The bus departs for Kamp Krusty with the kids on board.]

Don't look in my closet! In fact, stay out of my room all together. If the pets die, don't replace them, I'll know!

I'll take any questions you might have ... you? And then, um... one more. Can we call you Uncle Blackie? No. Last question.


 * [The kids sit around a campfire of burning tires while the camp counselors (the school bullies) supervise.]

Don't we get to roast marshmallows? Shut up and eat your pine cone!


 * [At the dock, Lisa hesitates to get into a battered-looking canoe bobbing around in rough waves.]

Uh ... Are you sure that's safe? Well, it ain't gettin' any safer!
 * [The canoe breaks apart and sinks.]


 * [At dinnertime.]

You're serving us gruel? Not quite. This is Krusty Brand Imitation Gruel. Nine out of ten orphans can't tell the difference!

I feel like I'm gonna die, Bart. We're all gonna die, Lis'. I meant soon. So did I.

[writing home] Dear Mom and Dad, I no longer fear hell, because I've been to Kamp Krusty.

[reading Lisa's letter] She complains now, but when we go to pick her up, she won't want to leave.

Well, kids, I promised you a little treat in lieu of dinner, and here it is. The man who took an abandoned mule tannery, and turned it into a summer wonderland: Mr. Krusty the Clown!
 * [Instead of the real Krusty, it's a disheveled and crudely disguised Barney Gumble.]

Now, I must tell you kids Krusty has laryngitis and a bad back, so he won't be saying anything or doing anything. Krusty looks fat! He's really having trouble keeping his balance! He's still funny, but not ha-ha funny! [angry] That's not Krusty the Clown!!
 * [The other kids gasp.]

Well, what do you think? I slapped a clown suit on some wino? [laughs nervously] Yeah, Bart, I am so Crunchy the Clown! [belches]

All right, that's it! I've been scorched by Krusty before. I got a rapid heartbeat from his Krusty brand vitamins, my Krusty Kalculator didn't have a 7 or an 8, and Krusty's autobiography was self-serving with many glaring omissions. But this time, he's gone too far! WE WANT KRUSTY!
 * [The other kids join in and chant with Bart.]

WE WANT KRUSTY! WE WANT KRUSTY! Yeah! We want Crunchy! We want Crunchy!


 * [A full-scale revolt breaks out, and Bart frees the fat-camp kids.]

My chunky brothers! Gorge yourselves at the trough of freedom!


 * [On TV, Kent Brockman reports about the chaos at Kamp Krusty.]

Ladies and Gentlemen, I have been to Vietnam, Iraq and Afghanistan, and I can say without hyperbole that this is a million times worse than all of them put together. A group of school-aged Spartacuses have taken the camp by force. Three counselors are missing and presumed scared.


 * [Kent is about to interview the rebel leader ...]

[watching the report about Kamp Krusty on the news] Don't be the boy, don't be the boy...

We want the whole world to know that this was a really crappy camp. [covers microphone with his hand] Can I say 'crappy' on TV? Yes, on this network you can.


 * [The real Krusty the Clown arrives at camp, but the kids don't believe it's really him.]

I'm no fake! I'm the real Krusty! Oh, yeah!? Who played your daughter in the short-lived sitcom President Clown? I don't know her name, but she held up a liquor store last year.

Krusty! This camp was a nightmare! They fed us gruel, they forced us to make wallets for export, and one of the campers was eaten by a bear! Oh, my God!! Well, actually, the bear just ate his hat. Was it a nice hat? Oh, yeah. Oh, my God!!

I'm taking you kids to the happiest place on Earth: Tijuana!

Marge, am I crazy or is my back getting hairier?

All right! Three whole months of Spaghetti-O's and daytime TV!