The Wettest Stories Ever Told/Quotes

Yarr. Sorry about the delay. The chef is having a problem with tonight's sepcial. [A knife-weilding chef is battling an octopus with eight knives]. Meanwhile, I can send a busboy out to get you somethin' from a better restaurant. Red Lobster? Not that good [the family moan in dissapointment]. Until then, perhaps an old sea yarn may pass the time. Too bad I don't know any. I know one, about the most inportant sea voyage in American history. The journey of "Mayflower". Ah, yes. The ship that brought prostitutes to America. Not prostitutes, Protestants. Now who's being naiive?

Mayflower Madman
I'm so bored, I figured out where the wallpaper pattern repeats. See, it goes: ship's wheel, Popeye tattoo, Gilligan hat, fish with boobs, and back to ship's wheel. What about this swordfish? Oh! My life's work is ruined.

Do you have your shipboard entertainments? I've got my toy wood lump! [he drops a lump of wood on the floor and starts to kick it around] What jolly fun!

Has anyone seen this knave? [he holds up a picture of Homer] He's wanted for daring to question why we call this the Jacobean era when the king's name is James, not Jacob. Mother, we must protect him. Look, he's praying. Oh Lord, please let the soldiers kill this family instead of me.

So, though art a widow, eh? Then the codpiece holds no terrors for thee.

What kind of booze cruise is this? Where's the hooch? Heh, heh, heh, we Puritans have no place for drunkeness... or colorful clothes, or dreaming, or poetry. So, if you write a sonnet, keep it under your bonnet. [panicked] Oh no! That was a poem! [he pulls out a cat-o'-nine-tails and flogs himself with it] Forgive me, Lord! [he pours salt on his back] Then, pour a little salt in the wounds... and I'm good. I see you met our devout leader, Ned Flandish. Stupid Flandish.

Uh, listen, since all the other fun stuff is out of bounds, how 'bout a little Bible-thumping in the crow's nest? What do yiu say, Miss...? Constance Prudence Chasity Goodfaith. D'oh! My friends call me "Marge". Huh? Marge Obedience Temperance Sexwon't. D'oh!

We're engaged! I didn't kill her husband just so.... I-I mean, I-I didn't kill her husband. We're not engaged. Uh, it's really more of an amiable concordance. Oh! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Such language from a woman. Oh no! i just thought of you as a woman! [begins flogging himself again].

Lord, we thank you for the many ways you show your love: the sun which bakes our lips to the point of bleeding and your hillarious idea to surround us with water that would kill us if we drank it.

Oh my God, look at that hand-on-hand action! If I don't do somethin', soon they'll be exchanging pleasantries. Yes, the weather is fair. Man, that guy sends my humors from sanguine to bilious. [he addresses the camera] That's how we talk, weird, huh? [returning to character] Time to think of a plan most sneaky.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that I'm throwing a little party tonight to celebrate that only half of us have died so far. Beer! I thought you guys didn't drink on the Gayflower. Stop callin' it that. What-ever.

Homer, I can't believe I was thinking about letting you touch my elbow through a cloth. But, baby, a man has needs.

Oh, I guess we'll never make it to the New World. Oh, when we landed, I was going to denounce my sister as a witch. I keep telling you, the ability to add two-digit numbers is not witchcraft! Thirty-one plus fourty-three. Seventy-four. [pointing at Lisa] Witch! Witch! Witch!

I just thought of a name for where we're going. New England! Oh, that's real creative. Whaddaya call your foot? "New hand"? At least I'm pitching.

Land ho! What did you call me?

Great Chief Wig-gum, we could never have survived our first year in the new World without you. I almost regret what we Europeans are about to do to ya. What are you gonna do? Give you the biggest slice of pumpkin pie! [under his breath] Also, we're gonna take your land and wipe you out. [normal talking voice] Who wants whipped topping?

Stupidity on the Bounty
Who else has a story? I do! Homer, you can tell the third story. Bart will tell the second, which is usually the weakest. Hey! I'm just trying to take the pressure off of you. Well, I read this boring comic book about a ship called the "Bounty". Ooh, like the paper towels. Go on...

First of all, in an effort to save water, you will no longer be given any water. And because of a drawing of myself having a romantic congress with a merman... [the crew laughs]... I am dumping all your mail out to sea. And I can assure you, there were cookies in there. Good cookies. The kind only a loving mother or Milhouse's father could make. My father's alive? No, he died while baking. It's all in the letter. [he throws Milhouse's letter out the window].

I warn ye, captain, push this crew too far, and there'll be mutiny. Mutiny? On the "Bounty"? Heh, heh, heh, heh. What have you been smoking. Opium. Besides that.

Welcome to our tropical paradise. Enjoy our lugas, our lagoons, and our ladies. And remember, what happens in Tahiti stays in Tahiti. Because we have no way of communicating with the outside world, tell me, has Robert Fulton invented the steam boat yet? Any day now. Ooooh.

Captain, this is a mutiny. [uncomfortable laugh] Well, let's not be hasty, there, uh, what if I introduce a suggestion box? We have a suggestion box. You made it from the head of the last guy who had a suggestion.

Well, I know you had your doubts, men, but there they are... the most beautiful women in the world. Those are penguins. Well, look at it this way. We're going to discover the North Pole. South Pole. Oh boy, do I suck. Yeah.

The Neptune Upending
The ship's doctor has reported an outbreak of... disco fever! The only cure is to do a little dance, make a little love... get down tonight. [worried;y taking notes] Wait, what was the second one?

[singing to the tune of "The Morning After"] I think we're headed for disaster, And most of you will not be saved. Unless the captain is attentive, we'll all be crushed by a huge wave.

Woo-Hoo! It's almost New Year's! Ten... nine... eight- Homer, the ship's upside down and hundreds of people are dead. Three... two... one... Happy New Year! [he blows a noisemaker] My resolution is to be more fun.

I've spent the entire cruise reading these maintenance brochures because as a lonely single woman, I've had nothing better to do. Awww. "Awwws" are cheap, I'm looking for some action.

Whatever you do, don't look down! I mean up! I can't do this anymore, it's too confusing! Ahhhh! [he lets go of the ladder and plummets to his death]. Not that confusing.

I've tied it off. You're all going to make it. [he clutches his chest] Tell the world... that I saved you all. [he dies]. Don't tell me what to do.

Do you guys know the way to Tahiti? Way to go, genius. You sailed into someone else's tale of the sea. At least I'm not gay for skeleton Kearney. Our ribs got tangled 75 years ago! That's not gay! Right, you keep believing that.