The Sweetest Apu/Quotes


 * [Apu is preparing a hangman's noose.]

Over, under, round and round so your feet won't touch the ground. [he throws the noose rope over a pipe] Now, let's see what awaits me in the next life. [he looks over a reincarnation chart] First I was a tiger, a snake, a Clod, a goat with a hat, then me. [looks at his next incarnations] Hoo, a tapeworm, then assistant to Lorne Michaels! It's going to be a rough couple of lifetimes.

[to Apu] I saw you and that Squishee Lady canoodling like junkyard rabbits!


 * [At the Civil War re-enactment.]

Hey you dead people, stop playing cards! And, stop rollerblading! The south will boogie again!

Not tonight. I said, not tonight! Wait, something's wrong, why aren't you pressuring me for sex. Oh I'm just happy to lie here appreciating and respecting you. Okay buster, what is going on. Nothing. How could you even accuse me of repeated infidelity? Oh I'm so angry I could just fall asleep.

Nothing, nothing, there's nothing eating me up inside. [his eyeball is twitching and moving all over the place] Oh, it must be something big. Something you did? Something you saw. [gasps] Apu is having an affair? I know! Can you believe it? Oh, Manjula is just going to die.

The Squishee Lady! Oh my god. I know you must get this all the time, but can I suggest a flavor. Go ahead. Grape.

Please, could you just take the children home? The porno magazine buyers are too embarrassed to make their move. Look. C'mon!