Bart the Lover/Quotes


 * [A black-and-white educational film. Jimmy is trying to start his car with no success.]

Hey, what gives? You said you wanted to live in a world without zinc, Jimmy. Well, now your car has no battery. But I promised Betty I'd pick her up by six. I'd better give her a call.


 * [He tries to dial Betty's number, but nothing happens.]

[chuckles] Sorry, Jimmy. Without zinc for the rotary mechanism, there are no telephones. [distraught] Dear God, what have I done?


 * [He takes a gun out of the drawer, puts it against his head and pulls the trigger, but it doesn't fire.]

Think again, Jimmy. You see, the firing pin in your gun was made out of - yep - zinc! Come back, zinc! Come back!


 * [Dissolve to Jimmy in his bed, talking in his sleep and waving his arms.]

Come back... zinc... come back... zinc... [wakes up] Zinc? Zi... what? [sighs in relief] It was all a dream. Thank goodness I still live in a world of telephones, car batteries, handguns [bang!] and many things made of zinc.


 * [Bart, watching the film in class, casts a shadow over Jimmy's face with his arm.]

Gross, he's picking his nose! [the other kids laugh]


 * [A depressed Edna Krabappel has ended her work day at Springfield Elementary and is doing errands. She first sees a car mechanic to see why her car is acting up. Mechanic tastes a substance from her gas tank.]

Just as I thought, sugar! Your ex-husband has struck again.


 * [Mrs. Krabappel buys goods at Kwik-E-Mart.]

Would you like anything else? One Scratch & Win, Apu.


 * [Edna Krabappel scratches off lottery ticket at counter.]

So will you remain in teaching?


 * [Edna scratches off ticket to reveal a losing combination of a lemon, a prune, and a cherry.]

At least until tomorrow.

Todd, would you like some mixed vegetables? Hell, no.


 * [Ned, Maude and Rod gasp.]

What did you say? I said I don't want any damn vegetables. Alright, that's it, young man. No Bible stories for you tonight.


 * [Todd runs to his room crying.]

Weren't you a little hard on him? Well, you knew I had a temper when you married me.


 * [Bart is watching an old-time black-and-white movie to get inspiration for his love letters.]

A million poets working for a thousand years could not succeed at describing even ⅜ of your beauty. Whoa! Slow down Frenchy, this stuff is gold!

Truly, yours is a butt that won't quit.

I'm talking about your potty-mouth. "What the hell are you talking about?" That is it. Your swearing is having a negative influence on my son. Oh yeah? The nerve to think you can impose your ways on me! Well, I do not like... your mustache! OK, fair is fair. Tell you what. If you get rid of the potty mouth then I will get rid of the soup-strainer. It is a deal!

Stupid Flanders, telling me I should not swear! You know Homer, you have let a lot of colorful idioms fly loose, and I am worried it will be a bad influence on the kids. Well, what am I supposed to do about it? You could try one thing my parents did. When my father got out of the Navy he cussed a blue streak. So my mother set it up that every time he swore he had to deposit 25¢ into a swear jar. That broke his swearing!

"Damn crappy nails! Superglue my butt!"

[after the bell rings and the kids leave] If anyone wants to learn more about zinc, they're welcome to stay. We can talk about anything. I'll do your homework for ya?

[about Todd] Is this all he watches? Well, he used to watch Davey and Goliath, but he thought the idea of a talking dog was blasphemous.

Don't you worry about your wee fish, lass. They're goin' to a better place. [flushes them down the toilet]

[reading] After two months at sea, the Pilgrims were running out of food and water. [Nelson raises his hand] Yes, Nelson. Did they have any have yo-yo's? No, they did not have yo-yo's. [continues reading] When they landed at Plymouth Rock, they were greeted by the friendly Wampanog Indians. [raises his hand] Did the Indians have yo-yo's? No, they did not have yo-yo's! ''[slams book closed]\\ That's it! [slams book onto her desk] I am getting sick and tired of talking about yo-yo's. From now on, I will not accept any book reports, science projects, dioramas, or anything else on yo-yo's or yo-yo-related topics. Am I making myself clear? Yo!

Dearest Edna, I must leave you. Why, I cannot say. Where, you cannot know. How I will get there, I haven't decided yet. But one thing I can tell you, any time I hear the wind blow it will whisper the name Edna. And so let us part with a love that will echo through the ages. ---Woodrow

I bet we could buy a nice doghouse for $50. [sigh] Marge, you're a tool of doghouse makers. I am not! Yes, you are. You've been brainwashed by all those doghouse commercials on TV.

Sorry to bother you, Reverend Lovejoy, but I'm kind of in a tizzy. My son Todd just told us he didn't want to eat his damn vegetables. Well, you know kids and vegetables. What was it, asparagus? No, Reverend, the point is, he said a bad word! Oh, right, yeah. Well, kids usually pick these things stuff up from someplace. Find out who's doing it and…direct them to the Bible. Where in the Bible? Uh… Page 900. But Rev-- [hangs up; looks down at his melted dessert] Damn Flanders.

Hey, Lis. A moment of your time. [stops playing her sax] Yeah? Suppose I was writing my second letter to a girl, and I already used up my A-material. What should I say? [teases] Ooooh, could it be there's a special someone you're not telling me about? [puts down her sax and bats her eyelashes coyly] Oh, please. Is it Sherri? No. Is it Terri? No! Is it that girl with the lazy eyepatch? No! Is it that exchange student, M!pa? No!! It's not for me. It's... homework. Sure it is. Hey Bart, [teasing, makes goo-goo eyes] let's do some homework! [closes her eyes, makes smacking noises and then puckers up slowly as if to kiss him] [fed up, he pushes Lisa aside]

I can't help but feel partly responsible.

Bart, you're the closest thing to a man in my life. And that's so depressing, I think I'm going to cry. [cries]

Boy, you've got to go to your teacher and tell her the truth! No, Homer, the truth will humiliate her! Oh, Marge, I only said it because I thought that's what you wanted to hear!

How about, "Crocodiles bit off my face." That's disgusting! And besides, when a woman loves a man, it doesn't matter that a crocodiles bit off his face. I may hold you to that, Marge.

3 simple words: I am gay. Homer, for the last time, I'm not putting that in.

It's such a nice day today, let's have detention outside. It's a date. [he takes her hand, and Mrs. Krabappel walk outside into the sunshine]