24 Minutes/Quotes


 * Kiefer Sutherland: Previously on 24- I mean, The Simpsons.


 * Principal Skinner: Behold; our new state-of-the-art weapon in the global war against misbehavior. CTU: The Counter Truancy Unit.


 * Lisa: The sixth-grade security camera shows three empty desks!
 * Skinner: Enhance! (the camera zooms in, revealing "Skinner Stinks" carved into the desk) Dehance! Dehance!


 * Mr. Burns: Simpson, you can take your putrid mess far out of my sight, you songless land-whale.
 * Homer: Woo-Hoo! Business trip!


 * Marge: If someone did eat Bart's shorts, they'd have a tummy full of pocket garbage.


 * Homer: Apu, I'm returning a yogurt I wasn't 100 percent satisfied with.
 * Apu: Oh my God, if a dead fish and a homeless person had a baby, and the baby puked, and a dog ate the puke, this smells like the rear end of that dog!


 * Skinner: Milhouse, bring them in.
 * Milhouse: Roger that (he pulls on a hall monitor sash) And, Lisa, if I don't make it back, there's a letter in my locker I want you to read.
 * Lisa: I already read it.
 * Skinner: We've all read it.


 * Skinner: Milhouse, change of plan... observe and follow.
 * Milhouse: Permission to buy a Hostess fruit pie to keep my strength up?
 * Skinner: Denied.


 * Milhouse: Mr. Simpson, I'm scared.
 * Homer: This is our life now, Milhouse. We're dumpster folk.


 * Bart: If I help you, I want full immunity for all pranks past and future, and you have to teach me a swear word I don't already know.
 * Skinner: No deal.
 * (he gets up at if to leave)
 * Bart: 'Kay, suit yourself... it's not as if you have any major events coming up that the bullies would want to disrupt.
 * Skinner: (gasps) The bake sale!
 * Lisa: Principal Skinner, as we both know, but you might need reminding, the annual provides 90 percent of the school's funding.
 * Skinner: Okay, you have a deal, you conniving little...
 * (he whispers something in Bart's ear)
 * Bart: Wow, that's a swear?
 * Skinner: Used as a noun it is.


 * Bart: Lisa, they're gonna put a stink bomb in the school. I might be able to stop 'em, but I'll need a schematic of Jimbo's house.
 * Lisa: Jimbo drew a couple of pictures of his house in second grade. But I can't vouch for their accuracy... the teacher gave him a frowny-face.


 * ''(Bart tells Jack Bauer that his name is Ahmed Adoudi)
 * Jack Bauer: Chloe, find out all you can about Ahmed Adoudi. Does anyone know Ahmed Adoudi?
 * Chloe O'Brian: Ahmed Adoudi, wealthy Saudi financier. Disappeared into Afghanistan in the late 90s.
 * Jack Bauer: Really?
 * Chloe O'Brian: No Jack, it's a joke name. You're being set up!
 * Jack Bauer: Damnit!


 * Homer: Say, is your butt numb from all this vibrating? Mine is. Still, I wouldn't describe it as unpleasant.


 * Lisa: Sir, we have to call off this bake sale, now!
 * Skinner: Yes, yes, yes. We have to do something. Although, the basketball hoops have already been retracted... DJ Funtimes has already cashed his deposit... and Superintendent Chalmers won't be happy to hear-
 * Chalmers: I won't be happy to hear what, Seymour?
 * Skinner: Um... that, uh, bake sale revenue projections are through the roof.
 * Chalmers: I'm very happy to hear that. You don't know me at all.


 * Bart: Hey, Nelson, Martin just skipped past you singing "Skip to My Lou" and you did nothing!
 * Nelson: Can't a guy enjoy a catchy tune?


 * Martin: Okay, I kept my end of the deal. Release my friends. (Dolph tosses him an ant farm, and Martin examines it) All here, from Asimov to Zarathrustra... where's Phobos?
 * Kearney: He's with us now.
 * (he points to an ant on his shoulder then pats it on the head)


 * Homer: Can I have some more money?
 * Marge: I gave you ten dollars.
 * Homer: All the other moms gave their husbands twenty.
 * Marge: Well all the other husbands don't come home dirty from fighting.
 * Homer: I had to fight! Lenny said his dad was and I know he's not!


 * Bart: "HDW", what's that?
 * Willie: That's the main valve of the hot dog water recirculation system. There's over thirty years of wiener soakings in there.
 * Bart: Lis, you have to release that water. It's the only way to short out the fan.
 * Lisa: But you and Willie will drown!
 * Skinner: Possibly, but I can't risk Superintendent Chalmers finding out about-
 * (Chalmers enters)
 * Chalmers: Finding out about what, Seymour?
 * Skinner: Um... about how early press coverage of the bake sale is uniformly positive.
 * Chalmers: Once again, you have thoroughly misgauged my response. This is going on your permanent record.


 * Marge: (kissing Bart) Oh, my special little guy! I'm so glad you're okay.
 * Homer: (also kissing Bart) Oh, I'm just glad you taste like hot dogs!


 * Jack Bauer: (shouting through a megaphone) Good work, Lisa!
 * Bart: What about me?
 * Jack Bauer: (taking out a gun) Bart Simpson, twelve minutes ago you made an annoying prank phone call to me. All units move in! (several armed Humvees and a helicopter break through the gymnasium. Dozens of armed agents surround Bart). I pulled every single field agent off all other cases to track you down and bring you to justice. It was a tough decision but I think I made the right call. (a mushroom cloud explodes behind him and everyone gasps) It's okay. That was Shelbyville.
 * (everyone sighs with relief)