Goo Goo Gai Pan/Quotes

Do you know this baby once out-raced the Flying Finn, Paavo Nurmi? [grunts] Turn the heater off -- it's boiling in here! What are you talking about? This car is cooler than Guy Lombardo.

Good heavens, she's some sort of female madman!

Car! Car what? Car is the subject, but I don't know the verb!

Sir, thank God the airbags activated! Those are my lungs!

Son, menopause is when the stork that brings babies gets shot by drunken hunters.

Selma, I never realized you wanted a child so badly. I didn't want to get pregnant and lose my looks--
 * [Homer tries to stifle a laugh.]

But now I'm afraid I'll grow old alone. What about your pet iguana, Jub-Jub? Jub-Jub can't take care of me when I'm old and sick. All he can do is eat me when I'm dead.

Everyone has a child but me. Cheer up, sis -- there's a dented-can sale down at Schwegman's. This is one problem damaged food can't solve. Wow, you really are down. Hey, you ever think of adoption? The adoption process! That'll end the heartbreak.

Don't give up, Aunt Selma. China has thousands of baby girls who need adoption. Great, another job lost to a foreigner.

The Chinese government only allows wholesome, married couples to adopt. No "hen without cock." I apologize if that is a double-entendre in your language. It is not in ours. Don't worry. I'll just write my husband's name on this form. Have you ever heard of MacGyver? Oh yes. Big star. Big star. We know he's not married to you.

Hey look, a dragon. Hello, Homer. Give me your peanuts and you can fly on my back. I'll give you one. Oh, you are a very greedy man. The other dragons shall hear of this. Hey dragon! You fly like a girl!

Oh, look at him sleeping. He's like a little angel that killed fifty million people. Yes you are... yes you are!

So, Mr. Simpson, what do you do for a living? I'm a nuclear-- Wait a minute. These guys don't know me. I can be whatever I want. I'm a Chinese acrobat!

You shall be back in the land you love soon. Tomorrow we will give you your baby. Oh my God, really? My life begins at last. That is quite an insult to your other children. We understand, ma'am. We're pretty lousy kids. Lisa, soon you will have a Chinese baby sister who will surpass you academically. don't know about that -- I'm considered pretty smart. Well, Tibet was considered "pretty independent." How'd that work out?

Homer, we need your acrobatic skills. Only you can prevent this riot, and save our beloved Communist dictatorship. You guys are commies? Then why am I seeing rudimentary free markets?

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on Wu!

Ling, you're gonna be very happy in America, unlike everyone else there.

Listen, I've got a plan to get Ling back. But we must be discreet. You never know where there might be a spy. Yes, tell me your plan in detail, American sister. Don't have a cattle, dude. Uh, let's talk about this outside.

You look just like a Buddha statue. Now, all you need is an expression of utter serenity. Just think about the day you found that Junior Mint in your bellybutton.

Madam Wu, I too work for a cruel and faceless empire -- the Department of Motor Vehicles.

Something's wrong with Bart. He's acting weird. Feast on my shorts, stupid father man. Wait, you're not Bart! Eh, close enough.

[singing] American jerks are going home. Now we sleep for a thousand years. When we wake the world will end.