Homer's Enemy/Quotes

But this was a contest for children! Yeah, and Homer beat their brains out.

Oh, I, I can't stand it any longer. This whole plant is insane. Insane, I tell you! Daahh! Aaah! [runs out of the auditorium, and into an equipment room] I can be lazy too! [takes his tie off, and moons one of the technicians] Look at me, I am a worthless employee, just like Homer Simpson! Give me a promotion! [walks into the break room, and grabs two donuts from the box] Ooh, I eat like a slob, but nobody minds! [eats in an exaggeratedly slobbish fashion] [heads into a bathroom; from the bathroom] I'm peeing on the seat. Give me a raise! [emerges from the bathroom and waves his hands in Homer's face] Now I'm returning to work without washing my hands. But it doesn't matter, because I'm Homer Simpson! [runs to Homer's work station and spins around in the chair] I don't need to do my work, 'cause someone else will do it for me. D'oh! D'oh! D'oh! [slaps forehead on each "D'oh!"] Hey, you okay, Grimey? I'm better than okay. I'm Homer Simpson. [chuckles] You wish. [notices Mr. Burns has walked in] Oh, hi, Mr. Burns. I'm the worst worker in the world. Time to go home to my mansion and eat my lobster. [walks up to some dangerous-looking wires] What's this? [reads sign] "Extremely High Voltage." Well, I don't need safety gloves, because I'm Homer Simp-- [zaps]


 * [Ralph submits a Malibu Stacy Dream House to the nuclear model contest.]

Hot tub? Media room? It's supposed to be a power plant, not Aunt Beulah's Bordello!


 * [At Grimes' funeral, Homer is sleeping.]

Change the channel, Marge!
 * [Everyone laughs.]

That's our Homer!

Homer, why aren't you at work? The car won't start. I don't feel very good today. I am at work. You're afraid to go to work because Frank Grimes will be there, aren't you? That's crazy talk. You're crazy, Marge. Get off the road!


 * [Bart notices that the factory has collapsed.]

Ah, jeez. Milhouse, how could you let this happen? You were supposed to be the night watchman! I was watching. I saw the whole thing. First it started falling over, then it fell over. Wow. Wonder where all the rats are gonna go?
 * [Dozens of rats run out from under the rubble and into Moe's Tavern.]

Okay, everybody tuck your shirts into your socks!

If this were any other country, you'd have starved to death long ago. He's got you there, Dad. You're a fraud, a total fraud. [To Marge and the kids] It was nice meeting you.

I have had to work hard every day of my life and what do I have to show for it? This briefcase and this haircut! And what do you have to show for you lifetime of sloth and ignorance? What? Everything! A dream house, two cars, a beautiful wife, a son who owns a factory, fancy clothes, and [sniffs] lobsters for dinner!


 * [Homer is about to unwittingly drink a beaker of sulfuric acid when Grimes smashes it out of his hand, causing it to dissolve a wall']

You idiot! You almost drank a beaker full of sulfuric acid! Acid, eh? Jeez, that would have been stupid! [laughs] Wow, would my face have been red! [laughs again] Stop laughing, you imbecile!! Don't you realize how close you just came to killing yourself?!
 * [Mr. Burns, walking by, notices the damaged wall.]

Who did this to my wall? [points at Grimes] He did. Is this true? Well, uh, technically it is true, sir, but... [coldly] Come with me. [whispering to Grimes] He likes you.

As hard as it is to believe, some people don't care for me, neither. [shakes head] No, I won't accept that. No, it's true. I got their names written down right here, in what I call my, uh, "enemies list". [takes the list from Moe and reads it], Daniel Schorr, Jack Anderson... Hey, this is Richard Nixon's enemies list! You just crossed out his name and put yours. Oh, [writes down] Barney Gumble.

[points at Homer] That's the man who's in charge of our safety? It boggles the mind! It's best not to think about it.

Smithers, I've just seen the most heroic dog on television. He pulled a toddler from the path of a speeding car, then pushed a criminal in front of it. Find this dog. I want to make him my executive vice president. Uh, yes sir. In the meantime, here's Frank Grimes. (Grimes offers his hand, but Mr. Burns just stares at him blankly) The, the self-made man? What? Oh, yes, that fellow. Mmmm, put him somewhere out of the way, and find that dog!

Oh, that's my degree in nuclear physics. I'm sure you all have one. Oh yeah, Carl and I each have a masters. Of course, old Homer, he didn't need a degree. He just showed up the day they opened the plant. I didn't even know what a nuclear panner plant was.

(to Grimes, who's walking by) Hiya Stretch, what's the good word? My name is Grimes, uh, Simpson, Frank Grimes. I took the trouble to learn your name, so the least you could do is learn mine. Okay, Grimey.

Simpson, you've got a 513. (Homer looks at his watch) No, a 513. In your procedures manual - a 513? (Homer looks at his watch again) Look at your control panel. Oh, a five THIR-teen. I'll handle it. ( He calmly takes out a bucket of water and pours it on the console. Causing it to short out and silences the alarms) That got it.
 * [Grimes looks on in horror.]

[talking about Homer] God, he eats like a pig! I dunno. Pigs tend to chew. I'd say he eats more like a duck.

[to Grimes] You new? Yes. My name is Frank Grimes. I'm Lenny. This is Carl and Homer. I'm Lenny. How do you do? [picks up one of Grimes' pencils, spilling the rest onto his desk] Wow, you've got pencils with your name on them—just like a pencil company executive. I'd give anything for one of these. [tugs the pencil back out of Homer's hand] Any office supply company can have them made up for you. Can I have this one? [tries to tug it back] No. Can [thinks] Lenny have it? [tries it again] No.

I'm sorry, isn't that … Yes, that's me, and the guy standing next to me is President Gerald Ford… And this is when I was on tour with the Smashing Pumpkins… Oh! And here's a picture of me in outer space. You? Went into outer space? You? Sure. You've never been? Would you like to see my Grammy award? No! I wouldn't!

Can I go downstairs and see what Dad's doing? I wouldn't bother him, honey. He's making some sort of model for a contest. He says it's really high-tech stuff that we wouldn't understand. [opens basement door] Marge, do we have any elbow macaroni and glue-on sparkles?

Behold, the power plant of the future, today! Yuck! Too cold and sterile. Where's the heart? But it really generates power. It's lighting this room right now. (turns a knob on his model, causing the auditorium lights to dim) You lose, get off my property!


 * [At the children's nuclear power plant contest.]

(to Homer) Could you explain your model, young man? [from audience] What's to explain? He's an idiot! Pipe down!

[leaning out the window of his factory] Hey, Milhouse! You want a job in my factory? You don't a have a factory. Hey, I'm a busy man. You want a job or not? Okay! [runs up to join Bart]

Can you believe that guy? He's in his office making a pathetic attempt to look professional. Hey, what do you got against Homer, anyway? Are you kidding? Does this whole plant have some disease where you can't see that he's an idiot? Look here. [points out a chart tacked to the bulletin board] Accidents have doubled every year since he became safety inspector, and, and meltdowns have tripled. Has he been fired? No. Has he been disciplined? No, no. Eh, everybody makes mistakes. That's why they put erasers on pencils. Yeah, Homer's okay. Give him a break. No! Homer is not okay. And I want everyone in this plant to realize it. I would die a happy man if I could prove to you that Homer Simpson has the intelligence of a 6-year-old. [to Carl] So, how are you doing?