Mother Simpson/Quotes

I can't believe I'm spending half my Saturday picking up garbage. I mean, half these bottles aren't even mine! Ahem. Let's have less conversation and more sanitation.

Hey, where's Homer? How'd he get out of this? [from the top of a cliff] Hey, everybody! Up here! Simpson, stop frolicking and get to work! Right away, Mr. Smithers. I'll just walk across these slippery rocks—aah! [falls] Oh no! He's going over the falls! Oh good. He snagged that tree branch. Oh no! The branch broke off! Oh good. He can grab onto them pointy rocks. Oh no! Them rocks broke his arms and legs. Oh good. Those helpful beavers are swimming out to save him. Oh no! They're biting him, and stealing his pants. Good Lord... he'll be sucked into the turbine! [Homer swirls around then gets sucked in; the workers gasp, then bow their heads] [rolling down the window] Smithers, who was that corpse? Homer Simpson, Sir. [sniffs] One of the finest, bravest men ever to grace sector 7G. [sobs] [in a normal voice] I'll cross him off the list.

Marge, we can't tell you how sorry we are. You have our deepest condol-diddely-olences. [stammering] I'm sorry, I'm just nervous: I didn't mean any disrespect. What are you talking about? You know... Homer's passing. [Marge looks blankly] Away. [Marge looks blankly again] Into death. What?! [looks at paper] That's ridiculous! Homer's not dead. He's right out back in the hammock. [they all go out back; the hammock is now empty] Oh, Marge, of course Homer's alive: he's alive in all our hearts. Yes, Marge. I can see him. [skips by happily] Hi everybody! Marge, I'm going to give you the card of our juvenile counselor.


 * [When Patty and Selma come by the Simpsons' home with a tombstone for Homer]

A tombstone?! It came with the burial plot, but that's not important: the important thing is, Homer's dead. We've been saving for this since your wedding day. Get out of here, you ghouls! [shuts the door] Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi.


 * [When the power goes out and Marge goes to the window and sees a workman cutting the lines]

Uh, excuse me! Sir? I think there's been a mistake. Oh, no, no mistake. Your electricity's in the name of Homer J. Simpson, deceased. The juice stays off until you get a job or a generator. Oh, and, uh, my deepest sympathies.

Homer? That's my name. When I asked you if that dummy was to fake your own death, you told me no. You go downtown first thing in the morning and straighten this out.


 * [Homer goes to the Springfield Hall of Records]

Listen here: my name is Homer J. Simpson. You guys think I'm dead, but I'm not. Now I want you to straighten this out without a lot of your bureaucratic red tape and mumbo-jumbo! [typing on the computer] OK, Mr. Simpson, I'll just make the change here... and you're all set. I don't like your attitude, you water-cooler dictator. What do you have in that secret government file anyway? I have a right to read it. [spins the computer around] You sure do. [reads] "Wife: Marjorie. Children: Bartholomew, Lisa"—aha! See? This thing is all screwed up! Who the heck is Margaret Simpson? Uh, your youngest daughter. [mockingly] "Uh, your youngest daughter". Well how about this? This thing says my mother's still alive; she died when I was a kid! [goes to the window] See that stone angel up there? That's my mother's grave. My dad points it out every time we drive by. Mr. Simpson, uh... maybe you should actually go up there.


 * [Homer goes to see his mother's "grave"]

Mom, I'm sorry I never come to see you. I'm just not a cemetery person. "Here lies" -- Walt Whitman?! Damn you, Walt Whitman! I hate you, Walt freakin' Whitman! Leaves of grass, my ass!

I thought you were dead! I thought you were dead!

Homer, you grew up so handsome. Some people say I look like Dan Aykroyd. I can't believe you're here! Dad always told me you died while I was at the movies. Oh, my poor baby. You must have been so upset. But I suppose Abe has his reasons. Well, where have you been all this time? It's... a very complicated story. Let's just enjoy this moment. Ma, there's something you should know about me: I almost always spoil the moment. [a pelican lands on his head and spits a fish into his pants] I'm sorry. That's OK, darling: it wasn't your fault.

Hey, everybody! I've got a big surprise for you! Presenting... my mother!
 * [Everyone drops their food and talks incredulously.]

[awkwardly] Hello. This is so weird. It's like something out of Dickens or "Melrose Place." Where have you been, Granny? Did they freeze you or something? Oh, my, such clever grandchildren. So full of questions and bright, shiny eyes. I don't know what to say: I finally have a mother-in-law. [laughs nervously] No more living vicariously through my girlfriends. [laughs more, then coughs] Hey, since you were a no-show at all the big moments of my life, you owe me years of back presents, Christmases, report cards (grabs a calculator) Hmm, 75 bucks a pop plus interest and penalties… you owe me $22,000. I'll Kwanzaa you! [strangles Bart] Homer, don't be so hard on little… [whispers] what is his name?

This is my room, and this is my dresser. It's where I keep my shirts when I'm not wearing them. Oh, yes, right in the drawers. [they both laugh] [sighing] You remembered. Oh, I've missed moments like this... Mom.

I saw all your awards, Lisa. They're mighty impressive. Aw, I just keep them out to bug Bart, heh. Don't be bashful. When I was your age, kids made fun of me because I read at the 9th grade level. Me too! [walks on his hands] Hey, Mom! Look at me! Look at what I can do! I see you, Homer. That's very nice. [to Lisa] Although I hardly consider "A Separate Peace" the ninth-grade level. Shyeah, more like preschool. I hate John Knowles. Me too. [they both laugh, then sigh] Mom! You're not looking! You know, Lisa, I feel like I have an instant rapport with you. You didn't dumb it down. You said "rapport."
 * [A police cruiser rolls down the street.]

Gotta run! Grandma stuff! [runs in the house; Lisa looks suspicious]


 * [Bart and Lisa are downstairs in the laundry room.]

[turns on dryer] There, now no one should be able to hear us. What? [turns off dryer] All right, we don't need the dryer. What? Just shut up and listen! There's something fishy about Grandma: whenever we ask her where she's been all this time, she changes the subject. And just now, when a police car drove by, she ran into the house. Yeah, I don't trust her either. When I was going through her purse, look what I found! [hands Lisa some driver's licenses] [reads] Mona Simpson...Mona Stevens...Martha Stewart...Penelope Olsen...Muddy Mae Suggins? These are the calling cards of a con artist.

Woo hoo! I'm so glad to have my mom back. I never realized how much I missed her! [pause] She's nice. But...? I just don't think you should get too excited about the woman who abandoned you for 25 years. You could get hurt again. First, it wasn't 25 years, it was 27 years. And second, she had a very good reason. Which was...? [pause] I dunno. I guess I was just a horrible son and no mother would want me. Oh, Homey, come on. You're a sweet, kind, loving man. I'm sure you were a wonderful son! [unhappily] Then why did she leave me? Let's find out.

Mother Simpson, we'd like to ask you a few questions about your past. Can't reminisce, sleeping. [snores] Spill it, Muddy Mae, or we're calling the cops! Please don't. All right, then we'll call your husband, Grampa! No! I'll talk. I'll tell you everything I've wanted to tell you.


 * [In a flashback from the 60's. A young Homer is playing "Operation".]

"Take out wrenched ankle." [gets electrocuted] Mom! Mom! Mooom! [runs in] Oh, my little Homey bear. [kisses him] Time for bed. [getting in bed] Sing me my bedtime song, Mom. [singing] Ooey, gooey, rich and chewy inside, Golden flaky, tender caky outside. Wrap the inside in the outside, is it good? Darn tootin'. [singing] Doing the big Fig Newton! Here's the tricky part.
 * [Young Homer falls asleep.]

Abe, isn't Homer cute? Probably. I'm trying to watch the Super Bowl. If people don't support this thing, it might not make it. [on TV] Joe Willy Namath, swaggering off the field, his sideburns an apogee of sculpted sartorium. The foppish follicles pioneered by Ambrose Burnside, Appomattox 1865.

[looking at Joe Namath] His wild, untamed facial hair revealed a new world of rebellion and change. A world where doors were open for women like me. But Abe was stuck in his button-down plastic-fantastic Madison Avenue scene. Look at them sideburns! He looks like a girl. Now, Johnny Unitas. There's a haircut you could set your watch to.

[chanting] Anthrax, gangrene, swimmer's ear! Get your germ lab out of here!

Hey, hey, Mr. Burns! Enough already with the germs! [from a window above] Ho, their flower power is no match for my glower power! [glowers and the crowd disperses] [below, guarding the doors] Well that's some nice glowering, Mr. B.

When this baby goes off, Burns' lab is going to be history, man—germ history [laughs] Oh man, I got the munchies.

[gasping, panting] No... no! Wait a minute -- [tries breathing] Bronchial tubes clearing... asthma disappearing! Acne remains, but... asthma disappearing.

[to Mona] You just made a very big mistake. You'll spend the rest of your life in pri...
 * [Chief Wiggum slams the door open and crushes Mr. Burns behind it.]

My asthma's gone! Listen to me breathe. [snorts] Waaah! [snorts] Waaah!


 * Kent Brockman [on TV] Only one member of the Springfield Seven was identified. She's been described as a woman in her early 30's, yellow complexion, and may be extremely helpful. For Channel Six News, I'm Kenny Brockelstein.


 * [Mona walks into Homer's room while he's asleep.]

Homer...[kisses him, weeps] I'm sorry. [walks out] [in the present] I thought I dreamed that kiss. I'm so sorry I misjudged you, Mom. You had to leave to protect your family.

There's one thing I don't understand, Mom... in all those years, why didn't you try to contact me? But I did. I sent you a care package every week! Oh come on Ma, we use that same line on the kids when they're at camp.


 * [Homer goes to the post office.]

Any undelivered mail for Homer J. Simpson? No. Oh wait, this. [lifts huge sack of parcels] That's what happens when you don't tip your letter carrier at Christmas.

I'd like to send this to the Prussian consulate in Siam by aeromail. Am I too late for the 4:30 auto-gyro? Uh, I better look in the manual. [groans] Oh, the ignorance.

Are you sure this is the woman you saw in the post office? Absolutely! Who could forget such a monstrous visage? She has the sloping brow and cranial bumpage of the career criminal. Uh, Sir? Phrenology was dismissed as quackery 160 years ago. Of course you'd say that... you have the brainpan of a stagecoach tilter! At any rate, the FBI will track down this mystery woman and put her behind bars.

[singing] How many roads must a man walk down before you can call him a man? Seven! No, Dad, it's a rhetorical question. Rhetorical, eh?... Eight! Dad, do you even know what rhetorical means? Do I know what rhetorical means?!


 * [The doorbell rings.]

[gasps] Quick, Grandma, hide!
 * [Marge closes the curtains; someone pounds on the door, then manages to open it.]

No door is going to keep me from my meddling! Stand up straight, Bart. Abe? What the… [stammers] Now here's a piece of bad news. Oh, Abe, you've aged terribly! What do you expect? You left me to raise the boy on my own! I had to leave! But you didn't have to tell Homer I was dead! It was either that, or tell him his mother was a wanted criminal! You were a rotten wife, and I'll never, ever forgive you! [pause] Can we have sex? Please? [disgusted] Oh, Abe. Well, I tried! What's for supper?

Yeah, I might have seen her. [typing] Well, according to our computer aging program, she should look about... [turns the screen around which has a giant "25" on it] 25 years older. Yeah, I seen her! That is to say, I saw her.

[wearing a tie-dye shirt] Look at me, Grandma: I'm a hippie! Peace man, groovy! Bomb Vietnam! Four more years! Up with people! [runs off] You know, Grandma, I used to think that I was adopted. I couldn't understand how I fit into this family. Now that I met you, I suddenly make a lot of sense. [hugs her] I'm so glad to see the spirit of the 60's is still alive in you kids. [camera shows Maggie dancing to the "Laugh-In" theme with a "Ban the bottle" slogan painted on her stomach]

Yep, I saw her. That is to say, I seen her. She seemed like a nice lady. Well, that nice lady set the cause of biological warfare back 30 years!

[to Selma] Ma'am, we're going to need your assistance in locating this individual. [giggling] Oh, I'm fresh. Don't you want to play "Good Cop, Bad Cop"? Ma'am, we're all good cops. I had no intention of playing the good cops.

[reading Homer's tombstone upside-down] Put out an APB on a Uosdwis R. Jewoh. Uh, better start with Greektown. That's "Homer J. Simpson", Chief. You're reading it upside down. Uh, cancel that APB. But, uh, bring back some of them, gyros. Uh, Chief… You're talking into your wallet.

Grandma, have you ever thought about moving back to Springfield? You could live with Grampa again. [everyone laughs] Oh, I'm a living joke. You know, Lisa, it might be nice to rest for a while.
 * [The phone rings, Homer answers it, then leans into the doorway.]

Mom? There's nothing to be alarmed about, but... could you take one last look at the family and join me in the kitchen?

[in the tank] I've been waiting 25 years for this moment. ''[puts on a tape of "Ride of the Valkyries." It switches into ABBA's "Waterloo." He glares at Smithers]'' I'm sorry, Sir, I must have taped over that.

FBI. The jig is up. Alright! I admit it, I am the Lindbergh baby! Waah! Waah! Goo-goo! I miss my fly-fly, Da-Da! Are you trying to stall us, or are you just senile? A little from Column A, a little from Column B.

We made it, Homer! It's all thanks to our anonymous tipster. [on phone] But who are you? And why did you tip us off? [on the phone] Well, its cause of your old lady that I got rid of my asthma that was keeping me out of the academy. Thanks. Sure. Just think of me as an anonymous friend who rose through the ranks of the Springfield police to become Chief Clancy Wig-- [hangs up the phone] Yak, yak, yak, yak, yak!

Well, there's my ride. The underground awaits. [sniffles] At least this time, I'm awake for your goodbye. [sniffles] Oh. Remember, whatever happens, you have a mother, and she's truly proud of you. [they hug] Oh! Hurry up, man. This electric van only has 20 minutes of juice left! [Mother Simpson walks into the van] Don't forget me! Don't worry, Homer: you'll always be a part of me. [hits her head on doorframe] D'oh!