Bart the General/Quotes

Nelson, y-you're bleeding. Naw, happens all the time, somebody else's blood splatters on me. [realizes his nose is bleeding] Hey, wait a minute... you're right! [to Bart] You made me bleed my own blood.


 * [The school bell rings]

Uh oh, there's your bell. Come along, now, all of you. No dawdling, now. [to Bart] I'll get you after school, man. But... Oh, no, no, no. He'll get you after school, son. Now hurry up, it's time for class. But... Scoot, young Simpson. There's learning afoot!

Nelson, it was all a mistake. This is how it happened, man. Listen up; you may get a kick out of it. My sister was baking cupcakes and... I'll see you at the flagpole at 3:15. And you better be prompt! He has four other beatings scheduled this afternoon.

[to Bart] So, you had a little scuffle eh. Heh heh. Hope you won.
 * [Bart enters the bathroom.]

[looks into mirror] I'm gonna miss you big guy. [Goes in to bathtub and groans] [to Bart] Bart, your mother has the cool idea that you're [slows down and realizes that Bart is in tears] upset about something. [while in tears] Dad...I need help...please. Now come on, Bart, we don't want your mother to see you crying. Here, let me help you dry those tears.
 * [Homer uses the hairdryer to dry Bart's tears]

So, what's the matter, son? I had a run in with a [hides behind bathtub edge]... bully. [enters the bathroom] A bully! Oh come on, Marge, I don't bug you when you're helping Lisa. Well, Bart, I hope you're going straight to the principal about this! I guess I could do that. What? And violate the code of the schoolyard? I'd rather Bart die! What on earth are you talking about, Homer? The code of the schoolyard, Marge! The rules that teach a boy how to be a man! Let's see; don't tattle, always make fun of those different from you, never say anything unless you're sure everyone feel exactly the same way you do.

[writing] I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun-loving sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days, when entertainment was bland and inoffensive.

[to Herman] What happened to your arm? I can just say when your teacher tells you to get your arm out the bus window before the driver closes it, listen to her.

The key to Springfield has always been Elm Street. The Greeks knew it. The Carthaginians knew it. Now you know it.

First you'll need a declaration of war. I've got one here, just have to change the name from "Otto von Bismarck" to "Bart Simpson"

Strategy. Hmm. How many men do you have? None. You'll need more.


 * [Bart and other neighborhood children march towards Nelson, singing.]

I got a B in arithmetic! I got a B in arithmetic Would-a got an A, but I was sick! Would-a got an A, but I was sick In English class I did the best! In English class I did the best Because I cheated on the test! Because I cheated on the test We are happy, we are merry We are happy, we are merry We got a rhyming dictionary We got a rhyming dictionary Sound off! One, two I can't hear you! Three, four!


 * [Bart slaps a kid. Grampa comes and slaps Bart]

Bart, you can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some God-forsaken rock. But for some reason, you can't slap them. Now apologize to that boy immediately.

When he leaves the Kwik-E-Mart, we start the saturation bombing. You got the water balloons? Two hundred rounds, sir. Is it okay if they say "Happy Birthday" on the side? Well, I'd rather they say "Death from Above," but I guess we're stuck.

I thought I'd never hear the screams of pain or see the look of terror in a young man's eyes. Thank heaven for children.

[to viewers] Contrary to what you've just seen, war is neither glamorous nor fun. There are no winners; only losers. There are no good wars, with the following exceptions: the American Revolution, World War II, and the Star Wars Trilogy. If you'd like to learn more about war, there's lots of books in your local library, many of them with cool gory pictures.