Colonel Homer/Quotes

Hey! Hey, Lurleen? I gotta say somethin' to ya. I'm listenin'. Your song touched me in a way I've never felt before. And which way to the can?


 * [the family listens to Lurleen's song on the radio]

Marge? Whaddya think? Well, it's nice... but who is this woman? Well, right now she's an out-of-work cocktail waitress, but she's going to be a country music superstar, like, uh... that... jerk in the cowboy hat... and that dead lady. I don't like you hanging around some cocktail waitress! Marge, you make it sound so seamy! All I did was spend the afternoon in her trailer watching her try on some outfits.

Don't thank me Lurleen, you should be thanking your brain! Oh, Homer, no man has ever been this nice to me without... you know, wantin' somethin' in return. Well, I was gonna ask you for a glass of water, but now I feel kinda guilty about it. [laughing] Homer, you're just a big sack of sugar! Thanks! You did say sugar, right?

Marge, it takes two to lie. One to lie, and one to listen.

Guess what, Lurleen? I got you a gig on TV! Oh, Homer! You're as smart as you are handsome! [angry] Hey! [relaxes] Oh, you meant that as a compliment.

Just so you know, while you and Lurleen were put judging that greased pig contest, Maggie cut her first tooth. That's great, honey. Say, have you seen my rattlesnake headband? You're not even listening to me. Sure they will!

As much as I hate that man right now, you gotta love that suit.

They don't call me Colonel Homer because I'm some dumb-ass Army guy.