Two Cars in Every Garage and Three Eyes on Every Fish/Transcript


 * [Bart and Lisa are fishing. A car pulls up and a man gets out.]

Shutton: Ah, so kids, caught anything?

Lisa: Not yet, sir.

Shutton: Uh-huh. What are you using for bait?

Lisa: My brother's using worms, but I, who feel the tranquility far outweighs the actual catching of fish, am using nothing.

Shutton: I see. And, uh, what's your name, son?

Bart: I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you?

Shutton: [chuckles] I'm Dave Shutton. I'm an investigative reporter who's on the road a lot and, uh, I must say that in my day, we didn't talk that way to our elders.

Bart: Well, this is my day, and we do, sir. [He catches something on the line.] All right! We eat tonight! [He reels the fish in, but there is something peculiar about it - it has three eyes.]

Shutton: Wait a minute... one... two... three?


 * [He looks into the distance and sees the power plant pumping out waste into the lake.]
 * [We see several newspaper headlines: "Mutation Caught At Ol' Fishin' Hole / Is Power Plant Responsible?" and "Fishin' Hole Or Fission Hole? / Burns Denies Responsibility In Fish Flap." Marge reads the newspaper at breakfast.]

Marge: Well, leave it to good old Mary Bailey to finally step in and do something about that hideous genetic mutation.

Homer: Mary Bailey. Well, if I was governor, I'd sure find better things to do with my time.

Marge: Like what?

Homer: Like getting Washington's Birthday and Lincoln's Birthday back as separate paid holidays. "President's Day," pfft, what a rip-off! I bust my butt day in and day out--

Marge: You're late for work, Homer.

Homer: So? Someone'll punch in for me.

Lisa: Try not to spill anything, Dad.

Bart: Keep those mutants comin', Homer!

Homer: I'll mutant you...


 * [Homer arrives at work and proceeds to the lunch room.]

Homer: Oh man, plain cake donuts. (calling) Thanks for taking all the fancies, guys! (quietly to himself) Why can't I ever get here on time?


 * [An announcement comes over the PA.]

Mr. Burns: Hi-ho, faceless employees. In a few moments the government inspection team will be touring the plant. (cut to outside) So look busy and keep your mouth shut. That is all.

Smithers: Very stirring, sir. (looks into binoculars) Uh oh, here they come, sir.

Mr. Burns: Hold me, Smithers.

Nuclear Inspectors: Okay, men. Geiger counters on.


 * [The Geiger counters go crazy.]

Mr. Burns: Ah, I suppose that's normal background radiation? The kind you'd find at any well-maintained nuclear facility, or for that matter, playgrounds and hospitals.

Nuclear Inspector: Sorry.


 * [They begin the inspection. The inspector notes down details.]

Nuclear Inspector: Gum used to seal crack in cooling tower.

Mr. Burns: D'oh. I'm as shocked as you are.

Nuclear Inspector: Plutonium rod used as paperweight.

Mr. Burns: D'oh. Now that shouldn't be.


 * [A drop of glowing green goo burns a hole through the inspector's clipboard.]

Mr. Burns: Yeah, well, that's always been like that.


 * [They visit Homer's workstation. Homer is sleeping, and wakes with a start.]

Homer: Aah! (starts pulling levers wildly) Uh, just resting my eyes!

Mr. Burns: Ah, well done. A rested employee is a vigilant employee.

Nuclear Inspector: (sighs) Monitoring station unmanned.


 * [The inspectors stand in knee-deep glowing green water.]

Mr. Burns: Look here, inspector, could I speak to you privately, in my office?

[The chief inspector is taken to Burns' office.]

Nuclear Inspector: Mr. Burns, in twenty years, I have never seen such a shoddy, deplorable--

Mr. Burns: Oh, look! Some careless person has left thousands and thousands of dollars just lying here on my coffee table. Uh, Smithers, why don't we leave the room, and hopefully, when we return, the pile of money will be gone. (leaves then returns a few moments later) D'oh, look Smithers, the money and a very stupid man are still here.

Nuclear Inspector: Burns, if I didn't know better, I'd think you were trying to bribe me.

Mr. Burns: Is there some confusion about this? (stuff money into his pockets) Take it! Take it! Take it, you poor schmo!

Nuclear Inspector: Mr. Burns! I'm gonna overlook this felony, however, I will not overlook the three hundred and forty two violations I observed at your plant today. Either bring this place up to code or we'll shut it down. Good day. (leaves)

Mr. Burns: Oh well, a little dab of paint here, a little spackle there... how much could it possibly cost to fix this place up?

Smithers: (typing on a calculator) Approximately fifty-six million dollars, sir.

Mr. Burns: Fifty-six million!?

Smithers: (cowering) Don't hit me, sir.

Mr. Burns: Oh, that I have the strength to take it out on you, Smithers. Now, please go, I... want to be alone.


 * [Burns hits the bottle. Time passes from 5:00 to 9:30, and Burns is drunk. He starts singing "Brother, Can You Spare a Dime".]

Mr. Burns: Once I built a railroad, made it run, Made it race against time, Once I built a railroad, now it's done, Brother, can you spare a dime?


 * [He stumbles down the long empty corridors, singing.]

Half a million boots went sloggin' through hell And I was the kid with the drum! (his bottle is empty) Empty. Bah!


 * [He throws the bottle away, and it wakes Homer, who is still asleep at his workstation.]

Homer: Aah! Just resting my eyes! (realizes no one's there) Oh, heh. (looks at his watch) Holy moly! Nine thirty! (picks up phone and dials) Hello Marge. Sorry I didn't call but it's been a madhouse down here. Yep, these twelve hour days are killing me. (He walks down a long empty corridor.) Echo! (it echoes)


 * [Outside in the car park, Burns is still singing, and getting into his car.]

Mr. Burns: They called me Al! It was Al all the time, Say, don't you remember? I'm your pal. Buddy, can you spare a dime?


 * [Homer walks up the window.]

Homer: Huh? What the-- (taps on window) Uh, Mr. Burns?

Mr. Burns: Aah!

Homer: Aah! Sorry, sir, it's just me, Homer Simpson. Everything alright?

Mr. Burns: Working late, Simpson?

Homer: Uh, yes sir.

Mr. Burns: You and I are a dying breed, Simpson. I'm going to share something with you. (opens door) Hop in.

Homer: Ooh, cushy!

Mr. Burns Homer, they're trying to shut us down. They say we're poisoning the planet!

Homer: Well, nobody's perfect.

Mr. Burns: Can't the government just get off our backs?

Homer: Y'know, I was just telling the wife that if I was governor, I'd do things a lot differently--

Mr. Burns Oh, get off your soap box, Simpson, do you realize how much it costs to run for office? More than any honest man could afford.

Homer: I bet you could afford it, though. (nervously) Don't get me wrong, I mean you're an honest man, I just mean that you could afford to run for governor if you felt like it. Of course I'm just rambling cause... because you keep staring at me like that, but, but it's true! I mean, if you were governor you could decide what's safe and what isn't...


 * [Burns starts the car and drives off.]

Homer: Where are we going, sir?

Mr. Burns: To create a new and better world.

Homer: If it's on the way, could you drop me off at my house?

ACT TWO


 * [Homer reads the newspaper, with the headline "Burns Enters Gubernatorial Race".]

Homer: Well, he's got my vote!

Marge: Homer, we're a Mary Bailey family.

Homer: Mary Bailey isn't going to fire me if I don't vote for her. I'm for Monty Burns!

Lisa: Ooh, a political discussion at our table. I feel like a Kennedy!

Marge: Well, frankly, I don't see how one of the most despicable men who ever lived has a chance against Mary Bailey, the most beloved governor our great state has ever known.


 * [Mr. Burns calls a meeting.]

Advisor: Now, here's the problem as I see it. While Governor Bailey is beloved by all, ninety-eight percent of the voters rate you as despicable or worse. That's why we've assembled the finest campaign team money can buy. (indicating his team) This is your speech writer, your joke writer, your spin doctor, make-up man and personal trainer. Their job, to turn this Mr. Burns... (shows a normal portrait of Burns) into this... (shows a picture of Burns in a heroic position).

Mr. Burns: Why are my teeth showing like that?

Advisor: Because you're smiling!

Mr. Burns: Ah, excellent! This is exactly the kind of trickery I'm paying you for. B-but how do we turn your average Joe Six-pack against Mary Bailey?

Advisor: With this team of investigators... (indicating) your much-raker, your character assassin, your mud slinger, your garbologist.

Mr. Burns: Hello.

Advisor: Their job is to turn Mary Bailey from this... (picture of Bailey) into this (picture of crowd booing her)

Mr. Burns: Ah, visual aids help so much. Thank you.

Advisor: But first, there's a burning issue that we need to address and neutralize immediately.


 * [He shows Burns a picture of the three-eyed fish.]

Mr. Burns: Ugh, I hate that fish!


 * [Grampa Simpson and the pensioners watch TV.]

TV Announcer: Thank you for watching "Movie For A Dreary Afternoon". Please stay tuned for a paid political announcement brought to you by the friends of Montgomery Burns

Grampa Simpson: Burns? Change the channel!

Jasper Beardsley: You change it.

Grampa: No, you change it!

Jasper: I changed it last week!

Grampa: Fine, be a jerk. Then we'll just sit here and watch it.

[At Moe's Tavern.]

Barney Gumble: Oh no, an election? That's one of those deals where they close the bars, isn't it?

Moe Syzlak: Sorry, Barney.

[At the Simpsons home.]

Marge: I wonder if he's going to say anything about that horrible fish.

Homer: Oh, Marge. What's the big deal? I bet before the papers blew this all out of proportion you didn't even know how many eyes a fish had.

Marge groans. The advisors prepare Burns for his campaign advertisement.

Smithers: Thirty seconds to air, Mr. Burns.

Advisor: Now remember to smile.

Burns: I am smiling.

Advisor: You'll have to do better than that.

Burns: (grunts) How's this?

Advisor: There you go!

Burns: Oh, I'm going to be sore tomorrow!

Advisor: Well, we've done all we can. the rest is up to you.

Burns: Oh, don't worry. By the time this paid political announcement is done, every Johnny Lunchpail in this whole stupid state will be eating out of my hands. (realizes the camera is on) Oh, hello, friends. I'm Montgomery Burns, your next governor, and I'm here to talk to you about my little friend here, Blinky. (picks up fishbowl with Blinky in) Many of you consider it to be a hideous genetic mutation. Well, nothing could be further from the truth. But don't take my word for it. Let's ask an actor portraying Charles Darwin what he thinks. (actor enters)

Darwin: Hello, Mr. Burns.

Burns: Oh, hello, Charles. Be a good fellow and tell our viewers about your theory of natural selection.

Darwin: Glad to, Mr. Burns. You see, every so often, Mother Nature changes our animals, giving them bigger teeth, sharper claws, longer legs or, in this case, a third eye. And if the variations turn out to be an improvement, the new animals thrive and multiply, and spread across the face of the earth.

Burns: So you're saying this fish might actually have an advantage over other fish? It might actually be a kind of "Super Fish".

Darwin: I wouldn't mind having a third eye, would you?

Burns: (chuckling) No. you see friends, if our anti-nuclear nay-sayers and choose-upsiders were to come upon and elephant frolicking in the waters next to our nuclear power plant, they'd probably blame his ridiculous nose on the nuclear boogeyman. The truth is, this fish is a miracle of nature, with a taste that can't be beat. Mmm-mm! So, to summarize, say what you want about me. I can take the slings and arrows, but stop slandering poor, defenseless, Blinky. Good night, and God bless.

The political announcement finishes with Burns' campaign jingle:

Jingle: Only a moron wouldn't cast his vote for Monty Burns!

The bar flies are impressed.

Barney: Wow! Super-Fish!

Moe: I wish the government would get off his back.

At the retirement home.

Grandpa: That Burns is just what this state needs: Young blood!

Back at the Simpsons home.

Homer: I hope Burns and I can count on your support, honey.

Marge: Homer, I'm a Bailey Booster.

Homer: Oh yeah? Well I'm a Burns Booster! (pins button on) Ow!

Advisor: Congratulations, Mr. Burns, the latest polls show you are up six points.

Burns: Ah, giving me a total of?

Advisor: Six. But we're on our way.

Mary Bailey gives her own press conference.

Bailey: My worthy opponent seems to think that the voters of this state are gullible fools. I, however, prefer to rely on their intelligence and good judgment.

Reporter: Interesting strategy. Good luck.

Burns: And I say taxes are too high!

Burns holds a meeting with his advisors.

Burns: Have you, uh, found any dirt on Mary Bailey?

Advisor 2: Well, we've gone through her garbage

Advisor 3: We've talked to her maid.

Advisor 2: And so far, the only negative thing we've found is from some guy who dated her when she was sixteen.

Burns: Ah. And?

Advisor 3: He, uh, he felt her up.

Burns: Bah! Not good enough!

Burns gives another fiery speech.

Burns: We're gonna send a message to those bureaucrats down there in the state capital!

Homer & Bart watch on TV.

Bart: Is your boss governor yet?

Homer: Not yet, son.

Advisor: The voters now see you as imperial and god-like.

Burns: Hot dog!

Advisor: But there's a down-side to it. The latest polls indicate you're in danger of losing touch with the common man.

Burns: Oh, dear! Heaven forfend!

Advisor: Which is why, the night before the election we want you to have dinner at the home of one of your workers.

Burns: Oh, I get your angle. Every Joe Meatball and Sally Housecoat in this godforsaken state will see me hunkering down for chow with Eddie Punch-clock. The media will have a field day.

Advisor: The only question is: can we find someone common enough?

They look on the security monitors and see Homer eating, scratching himself, and belching.

Burns: Ugh. (his advisor nods) Well, I knew there would be sacrifices.

ACT THREE

The Simpsons eat breakfast.

Homer: Oh, great toast, Marge! Oh, by the way, the night before the election, Mr. Burns is coming over for dinner.

Marge: What!?

Homer: Oh, and some reporters and a camera crew, but you don't have to feed them.

Bart: Cool, man! A media circus!

Marge: Absolutely not!

Homer: Come on, Marge!

Marge: Mm-mm. I'm going to be ringing doorbells for Mary Bailey that night.

Homer: D'oh! Kids, pleases leave the room. I don't want you to see this.

Bart: Uh-oh.

The kids zip away. Homer gets on his knees and begs.

Homer: Please please please please please please please please please please please please...

Marge: Mmm...

The campaign crew plaster the Simpsons house with Burns posters and the advisors prepare the family for the dinner.

Advisor: We're hoping that one of the children might pop up with a question about the upcoming election. Little girl, do you think you can memorize this by dinnertime tomorrow?

Lisa: (reading) Mr. Burns: your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

Advisor: Very good.

Lisa: Mmm... well, as long as I'm asking something, can I ask him to assuage my fears that he's contaminating the planet in a manner that may one day render it uninhabitable?

Advisor: No, dear. The card question'll be fine.

Marge: Well, I think the non-card question is a valid--

Homer: Marge! (to advisor) Don't worry. My daughter's very bright, and I'm sure she'll be able to memorize your question by dinnertime tomorrow.

Advisor: And finally, Mr. Burns wants you to appear very affectionate towards him. But we must remind you, he hates being touched.

That evening in bed, Homer tries to snuggle with Marge, but she keeps moving over until she falls out of bed.

Homer: Marge, get back in bed.

Marge: No, I'm just fine right here.

Homer: What's wrong? I just want to snuggle.

Marge: I don't feel like snuggling.

Homer: What's that got to do with it?

Marge: I don't want to snuggle with anybody who's not letting me express myself.

Homer: But you do get to express yourself! In the lovely home you keep, and the food you serve.

Marge: Hmm... okay Homer. Fair enough. (getting back into bed) You've got it, alright, good. That's it, that's how I'm gonna express myself. That's right. Good night.

Homer: Huh?

It's time for the dinner. The family, along with the pets are in make-up. A make-up man gives Homer new eyebrows.

Make-Up Man: Well, what do you think?

Homer: Hey, hello handsome!

Advisor: Hey! Get that stuff off his face! We're here to have dinner with the common man, not Tyrone Power.

Advisor 2: Latest polls are in. It's dead even, fifty-fifty.

Advisor: This cornball stunt is gonna put us over the top.

Bart: Whoa! He's here!

Burns arrives. He rings the doorbell, and the family all come to the door.

Burns: Hello, Homer. Marge! you look dazzling! Oh and look, I brought noodle coogle.

Suddenly, Santa's Little Helper jumps up and knocks Mr. Burns over.

Homer: Bad dog! Bad... neighbor dog. Here, let me help you up, Mr. Burns.

Burns: (chuckling) I love dogs. Babies too.

Snowball II then dives at Burns and knocks him flying again.

Burns: Kitty, kitty (kisses it)

Homer: Uh, are you alright, Mr. Burns?

Burns: Oh of course. A little roughhousing with the pets is good for a man's appetite.

They go inside and sit down at the table. Burns' advisor whispers to him.

Advisor: The latest polls are in. The statesman-like way you handled the pet incident has put you over the top. you're ahead fifty one to forty nine. Congratulations, Mr. Governor!

Burns: Excellent...

Homer: Bart, would you like to say grace?

Bart: Dear God: we paid for all this stuff ourselves, so thanks for nothing.

Everyone gasps.

Burns: (chuckling) Only an innocent child could get away with such blasphemy. God bless them all. Amen.

Advisor: He's smokin', he's smokin'.

Homer: (with his mouth full, reading card) Um, you know, Mr. Burns, my family and I, um (Bart belches) feel that taxes are too high. Where do you stand on this highly controversial issue?

Burns: Goodness! I didn't realize this casual dinner was going to turn into a charged political debate.

Homer: I was only reading what the card--

Burns: Homer, I agree with you and if I'm elected governor, I will lower taxes whether those bureaucrats in the state capital like it or not! Ahem, Lisa do you have a question you would like to ask your uncle Montgomery?

Lisa: Yes, sir, a very inane one. Mr. Burns, your campaign seems to have the momentum of a runaway freight train. Why are you so popular?

Burns: Ooh, a tough question but a fair one. Lisa, there's no single answer. Some voters respond to my integrity, others are more impressed with my incorruptibility. (Lisa leaves the table) Still others buy my determination to lower taxes. And the bureaucrats in the state capital can put that in their pipes and smoke it!

Lisa is in the kitchen.

Lisa: Oh Mom, that felt awful.

Marge: Mmm... I'm sorry dear. It will all be over soon.

Lisa: But Mom, we've become the tools of evil.

Marge: Lisa, you're learning many lessons tonight, and one of them is to always give your mother the benefit of the doubt.

They go back into the dining room with the main course, where Burns is still ranting.

Burns: ...give a decent break, or a fair shake, or even a square deal. Mmm, smells delightful.

Marge lifts up the cover off the plate. The main course is three-eyed fish. Everyone gasps.

Bart: Alright, three-eyed fish!

Marge: Can I have your plate, Mr. Burns?

Burns shudders and gives her his plate. He takes one bite of the fish and spits it out. As it flies through the air, the reporters flash their cameras and leave before it hits the ground.

Reporter: He's blown it for sure.

Advisor: Ruined before it hit the ground.

Outside.

Shutton: (on phone) Get me the city desk.

Reporter: (on phone) Here's you're headline, Phil: "Burns Can't Swallow Own Story".

The family, Burns and his advisors watch the news report.

Scott Christian: The latest polls indicate Burns' popularity has plummeted to Earth like so much half-chewed fish.

Burns: You must have a few tricks up your sleeve. Smithers, boil some coffee, we're not licked yet.

Advisor: Yes we are. Come on boys, the old guy's finished. (they leave)

Burns: Wait, come back! You can't do this to me! I'M CHARLES MONTGOMERY BURNS!

He starts wrecking the Simpsons home. He tries to turn a table over, but can't.

Burns: Smithers, turn over this table for me.

Smithers: Yes, sir. (does so)

Marge: Homer, make him stop!

Homer: Uh, Mr. Burns? Mr. Burns?

Burns: Shut up and wreck something!

Homer does so. Lisa intervenes.

Lisa: Mr. Burns? I hardly see what destroying our meager possessions is going to accomplish.

Burns: She's right. Take me home, Smithers. We'll destroy something tasteful. (walks outside) Ironic, isn't it, Smithers. This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That's democracy for you.

Smithers: You are noble and poetic in defeat, sir.

Burns: (to Homer, in the doorway) Simpson, I shall make it the focus of my remaining years that your dreams will go unfulfilled.

Bart: Uh-oh, you're busted, Dad!

Later that night, Homer sits in bed, worrying.

Homer: Oh. My dreams will go unfulfilled? Oh, no! I don't like the sound of that one bit. That means I have nothing to hope for. Marge, make it better please, can't you make it better, huh?

Marge: Homer, when a man's biggest dreams include seconds on dessert, occasional snuggling and sleeping in til noon on weekends, no one man can destroy them.

Homer: Hey, you did it!

They kiss, Marge turns the light off, and the credits roll.