The Falcon and the D'ohman/Transcript


 * [Open scene with Comic Book Guy sitting at his computer, facing the audience.]

Comic Book Guy: Good evening. Tonight we reveal to you the fate of Nedna. I have devoted my summer to a more meaningful task - savaging Mr. Popper's Penguins online. Anyway, the answer to Ned and Edna is carefully hidden in tonight's episode, like a bread crumb lodged inside my stomach crints. Enjoy.


 * [Comic Book guy presses a key on his computer, opening the episode. Zoom in to the computer.]


 * [Short opening sequence]


 * [A subtitle saying "TUESDAY, 11:55 A.M." shows. Homer is driving through the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant car park. He gets annoyed by the small things taking up the parking spaces. He sees a motorbike.]

Homer Simpson: [gasp]


 * [He sees Lenny cooking on a barbecue.]

Homer: What the..?


 * [He finally finds a parking spot.]

Homer: Aha! [gets out of the car] ♫ Quiet steps are what I take, sneaking in at noon. ♫


 * [He walks past the S.N.P.P. Cafeteria, and smells the fumes.]

Homer: ♫ Just in time for my lunch break, got my fork and spoon. [takes a sip, then throws the fork and spoon away] Hide the cameras just right, duck in the bathroom. ♫ [walks in to the bathroom]

Barney Gumble: [voice] Hi, Homer.


 * [Homer walks out of the bathroom.]

Homer: ♫ I'm still drunk from last night, got driven home, I don't know by who. Some, may say ♫


 * [A man in a vehicle drives past and beeps.]

Homer: ♫ I don't deserve any pay, but hey, I came up with '60s Day ♫


 * [A cleaner comes near Homer. He jumps past and twirls as he does so.]

Homer: ♫ last May. ♫


 * [Homer turns the clock-in clock back, then clocks in.]

Homer: [laughs] While I'm here, I might as well pre-punch out.


 * [He turns the clock forward, but stops mid-way.]

Homer: Hmm, we've had a lot of bills lately, better put in some overtime.


 * [Turns it forward even more, clocks out. He proceeds on to the main entrance.]

Homer: Larry, my man! [holds his hand up to fist bump] Hey, you're not Larry. How come you're not Larry?

Security guard: I wouldn't know, sir.

Homer: Uh, listen, if you could indulge me, Larry and I fist bump every morning. [fist bumps his own fists] Like that. The warmth of human contact, with a manly whiff of violence. Heh?


 * [The man turns around, and spits out his lollipop stick.]

Security guard: Not interested.

Homer: Wha?!! [walks away] Sheesh.

Carl Carlson: Hey, what's with that new security guard? He's acting all aloof. Uh, by the way, that's my word of the day, "he's".

Homer: Maybe I was a little hard on him, expecting him to be Larry right away. By the way, where is Larry?

Lenny Leonard: Crazy house.

Carl Carlson: Violent ward.

Homer: Good, old Larry. [walks over to the security guard] Hey, Wayne! I couldn't notice that your breath doesn't smell like alcohol. Wanna go grab a beer after work?

Wayne Slater: I prefer to not have social interaction with co-workers. It, um, hasn't worked out for me in the past.

Homer: Well, maybe he just doesn't like fist-bumping.


 * [A SendEx employee walks in.]

SendEx employee: Hey, Wayne. [fist-bumps Wayne]

Homer: As God as my witness, this fist will be bumped.

SendEx employee: Put that fool thing down.


 * [Cut to Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition.]

Voiceover: We now return to Master Chef: Extreme Snack Edition.


 * [Tom Colicchio and Marge are in a kitchen.]

And I love the addition of sliced apple. This was a great plate of food.

Marge Simpson: Thank you. This is my third favorite reality cooking show.

Tom Colicchio: For your prize, you have won a brand new kitchen, which I will now become.


 * [Transforms in to a kitchen.]

Tom Colicchio: I miss my soul patch.

Marge: Oohhh.


 * [Everything disappears in to smoke, leaving Marge in her normal kitchen.]

Marge: Kids, enjoy your extreme snack.


 * [Bart and Lisa take a bite each.]

Bart Simpson: Wait, this tastes different.

Marge: I put a slice of apple in it.

Bart: Gross!

Lisa Simpson: You know I hate surprises!

Bart: You tricked us!

Lisa: I like routine, I like routine!


 * [The kids walk off.]


 * [Marge sighs, then Homer walks in and sighs.]

Marge: Did you have a hard day too?

Homer: Well, a guy at work seems not to like me. I guess it's not much when you look at real problems in the world, like major league umpires not using instant replay.

Marge: It's big to you. Would you like a "get well" pork chop? [gets a plate of food from the fridge]

Homer: I love you so much potatoes and gravy on the side, please.


 * [End scene.]


 * [Open shot, bird's eye view of the Power Plant. Whistle blows.]


 * [Cut to Homer, walking out the front door. He feels the rain, and turns around to Charlie, who's just walked out the door.]

Homer: Charlie, wanna grab a beer?

Charlie: Nah, I was tipsy last night when a telephone survey called, so I told them to call back tonight for more accurate answers.

Homer: Oh, okay.


 * [Walks away, through the rain. Cut to Homer driving through the rain. He sees Wayne, and slows down.]

Homer: [gasp] Wayne!


 * [Homer pulls up next to Wayne, continuing to drive, and opens the door.]

Homer: Want a ride?

Wayne: I can walk.


 * [It starts hailing. Wayne then sees a sign saying "Sidewalk Closed".]

Wayne: Ngah!


 * [He gets in to the car.]

Wayne: Alright, Homer, you win.

Homer: Shnoh, just got a little chill when you said my name.

Wayne: [under his breath] Every time I go to I run in to some guy just like this.


 * [Homer pulls away from the kerb.]

Homer: Look, I'm not weird or anything, I just like to feel like I'm friends with everybody.

Wayne: [sigh] Homer, you're a nice guy. I'll have one beer with you. After that, we will have a courteous, professional relationship, and that's it. No Secret Santa, we're not trading lunches,

Homer: Oh!

Wayne: and I don't want you calling me at home and saying "turn on channel 6".

Homer: But what if the weather girl--

Wayne: I don't care.


 * [Cut to outside Moe's, then inside.]

Lenny: Wow, I can't believe Homer bagged the tiger!

Wayne: Excuse me, I need to use the--

Homer: Men's room. [gasp] Oh my god, we're completing each other's... [makes a hand gesture] completing each others's... sen..ten..ces.


 * [Wayne walks off to the men's room. Snake breaks down the door, riding a motorbike and holding a gun up.]

Snake Jailbird: Totally surprising entrance.


 * [Snake gets off the bike, and walks past everyone, pointing his gun as he does, as everyone gives him their valuables.]

Snake: Hand over your cash and jewellery, pronto.

Moe Szyslak: OK, now, don't want no trouble. Just get my cash out of my cash draw here. Just, uh, lining up all the presidents.


 * [Moe proceeds to load a gun.]

Moe: Nice and neat. Ain't tryin'-a be no hero. Heh heh.


 * [Snake comes and points his gun at Moe.]

Moe: [nervously laughs] Ah, here you go. [hands Snake the gun]

Snake: Thanks for the upgrade. [points it at the others] Ha ha!


 * [Wayne walks out of the men's room. He kicks Snake down.]

Homer: Wayne?

Wayne: Stand back, Homer. I know what I'm doing.

Lenny: Well, we all know what we're doing, the question is, is it an appropriate reaction to the situation?

Snake: [stands up] Eh, drunks are so boring.


 * [Wayne comes behind, as Snake loads, and traps him around the rack with a billiards rack. The gun fires and hits the roof, causing shrapnel to fall.]

Moe: Ah, my fresco!


 * [Moe points to the fresco on his roof of his regulars as animals.]

Moe: [points at Snake] That's comin' outta your stealing.


 * '[Wayne pushes Snake against the bar, puts Moe's egg jar over his head, and smashes it with a bar stool, knocking Snake to the floor.]

Homer: Wayne, maybe it's the me being still alive talking, but I think you're awesome.

Wayne: I'm just a guy who saw what needed to be done, and did it.

Moe: Ooh, speakin' of which, let's get these eggs back in the jar.


 * [Everyone helps to pick up the eggs, as Moe fills the jar back up with brine, which he has a tap for. Snake gets up, the billiards rack still around him, pulls out his gun, but Wayne, seeing Snake in the reflection of an egg, throws the egg down Snake's throat, causing him to faint. Moe feels down his throat for the egg.]

Moe: Wow, that's the farthest that one of my eggs ever made it down someone's throat.


 * [Cut to Wayne eating dinner with the Simpsons.]

Wayne: It's great to have a home-cooked meal.

Marge: Well if anyone save's my Homie's life, they get a free meal. Which, actually, comes up about once a week.

Bart Simpson: So, Wayne, how'd you learn all those cool self-defense moves?

Wayne: I had training. Special training. The kind they're not allowed to give anymore.


 * ''[Flash back to Wayne in a room, in a karate gi. Two ninjas come out of doors, Wayne knocks them out. A sumo lunges at Wayne, Wayne knocks him out. A knight comes through a door, Wayne knocks him out. A tank drives in, Wayne puts his hand in the nozzle and it blows up. A mustached man in red and white striped clothing comes through a door. Wayne pulls his clothing off, causing the embarrassed man to run off. Chucky lunges at Wayne, only to get beaten to the floor. Pinhead comes through a door, through smoke, Wayne continuously kicks him off-screen. Kobe Bryant, holding a basketball, gets punched in the mouth by Wayne. The Penguin and two of his henchmen come through a door, but Wayne steals the former's umbrella, which shoots a gas. Three gang members run at Wayne, but they are also gassed. A polar bear then comes along and bear hugs Wayne. Flash forward to the present. Wayne stands up.]

Wayne: Sorry, I have to go.

Homer: Oh, come on, stay for dessert.


 * [Homer bear hugs Wayne. Wayne runs out the front door, away. Ned appears at the window.]

Ned Flanders: Hey, Simpson, do you want to hear about the big change in my life?

Homer: Sure, why not?

Flanders: I started drinking orange juice with pulp! I asked the Reverend and he said it was OK. Then he hung right up on me. That man is cranky at 3 in the morning. [walks off]


 * [Cut to the Power Plant. Wayne walks through the doors, to unexpected paparazzi.]

Kent Brockman: And here he is! This week's Noble Nobody.


 * [Cut to the Simpsons watching the report on TV.]

Wayne: What the [beep]

Kent Brockman: A quiet, unassuming security guard who foiled a robbery, at the local tavern, seen in this Taiwanese animated dramatization.


 * [Cut to the Taiwanese animation. Wayne punches Snake, as subtitles are shown below, first in english, then Taiwanese. "As the barflies look on, security guard Wayne dispatches the evil jailbird." Moe begins to put back his eggs, with more subtitles. "The evil Moe takes back his eggs for later consumption." The barflies drink beers, and wobble, leading to Barney spewing and crying, again with subtitles. "Then the barflies drank too much." Bart comes to pick up Homer. "The boy came to get his father." They get in the car, and Homer drives recklessly. "And they drove home." They gain points as they hit things, including Hans Moleman, earning 5000. Cut back to Wayne and Kent.]

Wayne: Please, sir, just let me do my job.

Mr. Burns: Pish tosh. Wayne, as a reward for your valiant fistecovery, I hereby award you the Springfield Nuclear Plant Silver Safety Hat.


 * [A horse-pulled carriage comes along. Smithers opens the back compartment by pulling a lever. A smaller horse-pulled carriage comes out. Mr. Burns grabs the safety hat to put on Wayne. Flash back to Wayne's past.]

Man: Thanks to you, Wayne, we did not lose the visible half of the moon.

Wayne: Just doing my job, sir.

Man: All too well. I'm afraid that protocol demands that I totally erase your memory.


 * [As the bodyguards hold him still, the man goes to put the Erase hat on Wayne's head. Wayne is able to get out of their holds, and knocks them down. He grabs the hat, and puts it on the man, hitting the 'Erase' button. Flash back to the present. Lenny and Carl have been knocked down. Wayne is trying to put the hat down hard on Mr. Burns' head.]

Wayne: Die, you fascist bastard!


 * [Wayne chokes Mr. Burns.]

Mr. Burns: Mother, is that you?


 * [Homer pulls Wayne off.]

Homer: Wayne, stop! That's Mr. Burns!


 * [Security guards grab Wayne and take him away. Homer nudges Mr. Burns with his foot, and security guards pick him up.]

Mr. Burns: I expect insolence, but rank insolence? Off with his job!

Wayne: [sigh] Damn it.


 * [Cut to Wayne taking everything out of his locker. Homer walks in.]

Homer: Why don't you come stay with us until you can get back on your feet?

Wayne: Really? Are you sure?

Homer: Of course. I mean, how long could it be?

Wayne: I don't know. I've got no job, no references. Can't afford an apartment.

Homer: It's best to concentrate on what you do have.

Wayne: I have reoccurring flashbacks to a nightmarish past.

Homer: That's funny, because I have reoccurring flashforwards to a nightmarish future.


 * [Fade in to a nightmarish future. A big robot is terrorizing a burning Springfield. A group of citizens are protesting.]

Citizens: Unfair! Unfair!

Homer: That robot took our jobs.


 * [The robot turns around.]

Homer: Heh, he said it.


 * [Homer points to Lenny, Lenny gets turned in to ash.]

Homer: Or, uh, maybe it was him.


 * [Homer points to Carl, and Carl gets turned in to ash.]

Homer: Man, this robot really gets me.


 * [Fade back out to the present day.]

Wayne: My nightmares are real.

Homer: Your voice is so gravelly. Just like Lauren Buchwald's.


 * [Black out. Cut to out the back of the Simpson residence, then in the treehouse. Wayne is thrashing in his sleep.]

Wayne: If you don't listen to me, senator, there's not going to be a 4th of July.


 * [Cut to Homer and Marge's room. They are awake.]

Wayne: Don't you get it? He used the governor's eyeball for the retinal scan. That's ten members of the electoral college dead in one day!


 * [Cut to Ned and Edna. They are awake.]

Wayne: If you don't give me those lost codes, you'll never be able to make the OK sign again.


 * [Cut to Julius and Bernice Hibbert. They are awake.]

Wayne: I know the map is inside your eyelids, and I will turn them inside out if I have to!


 * [Cut to Mayor Quimby and a lady. They are awake.]

Wayne: If you move that little top hat to St. James Place, we'll all be blown to kingdom come!


 * [Cut to Barney awake in the gutter. He puts beer bottles in his ears.]

Wayne: Bring me every fish in that aquarium. One of them, is lying.


 * [Cut to the next day, Marge, Homer and Wayne are at the kitchen table.]

Wayne: I'm sorry, I have so many nightmares. I've done unspeakable things, from Buenos Aires to the Ukraine.

Marge: Well what brought you to Springfield? Was it our Frito-Lay distribution center?

Wayne: I needed somewhere to lie low. Your town appears on no maps or charts.

Homer: Yeah, they couldn't find a Google Map photo without me naked or urinating.

Marge: And when there was a map-makers' convention here, they all got Lou Gehrig's disease.

Homer: Not the one you're thinking of, there's another one.


 * [Cut to the living room, Wayne is teaching Bart and Lisa.]

Wayne: So, Lisa, if you press on Bart's elbow here, [places Lisa's hand on Bart's elbow and Bart makes a noise] he'll tell you anything you want to know.

Bart: I admit it, I let Milhouse lie down in your bed.


 * [Marge walks in with Maggie.]

Marge: Kids, can I talk to Wayne alone a minute?

Bart: [to Maggie] Remember everything they say, and tell us later in rattle code. [Maggie shakes her rattle] What do you mean "no"?


 * [Marge ushers the kids out.]

Marge: I don't know if you should teach our children advanced interrogation techniques.

Wayne: I'm sorry, Marge, sometimes I forget where I am.

Marge: Apology accepted. Now, could you teach me a couple little driving tricks?


 * [Cut to the mall, Manjula Nahasapeemapetilon is reversing out of her park, she waves to Helen Lovejoy. Marge drives over the top of Helen, and gets the park first.]

Marge: [laughs] We'll see who gets their pick of pizza pockets.


 * [Cut to Bart getting lunch at school. Dolph grabs him by the shirt.]

Dolph Starbeam: Give us your lunch money.


 * [Bart grabs the Dolph and Kearney, and hurts them, leaving Jimbo.]

Jimbo Jones: What gives, man? Where'd you learn that stuff?

Bart: If I told you, I'd have to kill you...can I tell ya?

Jimbo: No! I won't listen! [puts mash potato in his ears and runs off]

Lunchlady Doris: :[to Superintendent Chalmers] We can't keep serving the same thing every day. These kids have mash potato coming out of their ears.


 * [Jimbo runs past]

Jimbo: Ahh!

Superintendent Chalmers: Point taken.


 * [Cut to the Simpson residence. Lisa is playing her saxophone for Grampa. Wayne walks in.]

Wayne: Oh my God, that song!


 * [Flash back to a party. Violins are playing. As armed men come in, shooting, everyone runs off. A butler serves guns off of a tray. Wayne grabs his gun out. Flash back to the present, Wayne is pointing his gun.]

Wayne: I can't live in the real world anymore.

Grampa Simpson: This is the real world? Hallelujah, I'm still alive! [laughs] And I'll appreciate every moment, except the ones that aren't as good as they used to be, which is all of them. Oh, someone kill me.


 * [Wayne walks off. Cut to a city, as "KIEV, UKRAINE" is typed on the screen. It is deleted, then "KIEV, UKREIGN" is typed. That is deleted, then replaced with "C'MON, HOW MANY KIEVS ARE THERE?" Cut to a man, Victor, at a computer.]

Victor: Uh, junk, junk, Beyoncé confirms she will play at my daughter's sweet 16 party, humorous MyTube. My brother, my ugly, funny, best.

Victor's brother: Eh. Sometimes they are good for giggle.

Victor: Auto-tune disaster victim.


 * [Victor plays the MyTube video.]

Lady in video: Hiding in the basement. Hiding in the basement, and I'm like "where's the cat?", "w-where's the cat?".

Victor: [grumble] Crazy man attacks boss.


 * [Switch to the screen, zoom in on Wayne. Switch back to Victor.]

Victor: [gasp] It's him. American agent who caused the death of everyone I loved.

Victor's brother: You want to give it 0 stars?

Victor: No! We will go to [reads off the screen] Springfield, America and kill this man. But first [plays the previous video]

Lady in video: Here, kitty kitty kitty. Here, kitty kitty kitty. Oh, you're an angel now.


 * [Cut to Homer hosing the lawn.]

Homer: ♫ Washing out the dog poo, sure beats pickin' it up. Flanders' driveway is my goal.


 * [A car pulls up, the window goes down, Victor hangs out.]

Victor: I am looking for a man named Wayne.

Homer: Oh, he's gone, I don't know where he went.

Victor: Are you..friend of his?

Homer: He has no friends...


 * [The car starts to drive off.]

Homer: ...except me!


 * [The car drives back.]

Victor: Aye, so you're tight like borscht beets. Tell me, if we kidnapped a friend of Wayne's, would he attempt to rescue that friend?

Homer: Well, I suppose if the friend was being horribly tortured.


 * [Two men jump out of the man and carry Homer in to the car. It drives off.]

Homer: No! Not the middle seat!


 * [Black out. Cut to Kent Brockman's new report.]

Kent Brockman: This just in, a local man has been kidnapped by Ukrainian gangsters. We've received the following video.


 * [Cut to Homer strapped to a chair. Someone pokes Homer with a shotgun.]

Homer: Death to America!

Victor: [off-screen] Stick to script.

Homer: Fine.


 * [Zoom out to Marge, Bart and Lisa watching the TV.]

Homer: [on the TV] I am being held somewhere in the Springfield area. [gestures] Turn the card.


 * [Zoom back in to on the TV.]

Victor: [off-screen] Hold up today's newspaper.

Homer: What will you guys use when there aren't newspapers anymore?

Victor: [off-screen] Perhaps we'd be living in a world where there'd be no need to kidnap.

Homer: Oh, well, way to make me feel obsolete. [looks at newspaper, laughs] Look, here's the coupon for scissors, that you have to cut out. Thanks, geniuses.


 * [Zoom out to the Simpsons' living room. Wayne walks in. Zoom back in.]

Victor: [off-screen] Shut up!


 * [He puts a sign up saying "TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES".]

Homer: [voice] Hey hey, what are you doing?


 * [Punching noises are heard, the sign moves slightly as Homer yells out in pain.]

Homer: This is no way to treat the talent!


 * [Cut to Marge, Wayne, Bart, Lisa and Maggie.]

Victor: [voice] Shut up!

Wayne: Oh, God. I know that voice.


 * [Flash back to a party. Violins are playing. Pan across the room. Armed men run in, one shoots the chandelier down. From all the gunfire, the chandelier never makes it down to hit a man, as it is just shattered. But the man is shot. A woman walks through a door.]

Woman: Victor?

Victor: Darling. I told you to stay in your room.

Woman: I told you the bedspread smells funny.


 * [Wayne knocks down a man, who accidentally fires a bullet, which fires at the woman.]

Victor: [in slow-motion] Nooooo!


 * [A caption shows on the screen, "NOOOOO", as Victor runs to save his wife. Flash back to the present day.]

Wayne: Marge, I'll get your husband back.

Marge: How are you going to find him?

Wayne: Homer is implanted with several highly powerful tracking chips.

Marge: How did that happen?

Wayne: I left them out in a bowl and he ate them.


 * [Cut to Wayne walking through Springfield's Little Ukraine. Shops with clever puns appear.]

Wayne: I'd take a moment to enjoy those store names if I didn't have a job to do.


 * [Wayne stops at Hot to Trotsky's Ice-Skating Rink. He climbs up a ladder and comes out through a ventilation vent inside. He looks on to an ice skating rink as Homer is trapped in ice, with nothing but a straw poking out, as mobsters gracefully skate around him. Wayne sneaks down in to a pep closet, carefully avoiding the men that skate past. He grabs a launcher found in there, puts some t-shirts and oil in there, and lights it with a lighter from a compartment in his arm. As two mobsters as spinning around, one holding the other in the air, Wayne shoots them, causing them to fall to the ground and light on fire. He does this to some more of them. A group of people in costumes come out on to the rink.]

Wayne: Get out of here!


 * [Wayne shoots in to the air, and it hits the Grumple in the eye.]

The Grumple: Ow! Ow! I won a silver medal in Agano, and now this!


 * [All of the dressed-up people run away in terror, including the Grumple. Wayne continues shooting mobsters with his makeshift launcher. He skates over to Homer, placing several of the lit t-shirts around Homer, melting him out. He sits up and shivers.]

Homer: Oh, cold. So cold.


 * [Victor enters and points and loads a gun at Homer's head.]

Victor: So, Wayne, once again you crash my party.


 * [Homer gets up and hugs Victor for warmth.]

Homer: Oh, cold. Warm me up.


 * [Victor struggles and pushes Homer away.]

Victor: Stop it!

Homer: Just let me put my hands under your armpits.


 * [Homer places his hands under Victor's armpits, who is tickled by it and begins to laugh. Wayne throws an icicle at Victor's throat, who collapses on the ground and dies.]

Homer: So much violence on the surface world. I'm going back.


 * [Homer bombs in to the water, using the straw as a source of air.]

Homer: [gargled] Cold, so cold.


 * [Cut to the Simpson residence. The whole family have come to farewell Wayne.]

Wayne: Now you can see why I can't stay in one place. Not here, not anywhere.

Marge: How about living on a train that's always moving?

Wayne: Ever get on a train, Marge? What they call a steak is barely a hamburger. Now, Homer, there's one more thing before I go.


 * [Wayne raises his fist, to which Homer smiles and fist bumps him. Homer strokes a tear from his eye.]

Homer: Aw, that's what I call closure.

Wayne: Goodbye.


 * [Wayne walks out, but Maggie shakes her rattle and Wayne walks back to her.]

Wayne: Yes, Maggie, we will have a use for you soon. [whispers] Stay close to your Busybox.


 * [Wayne goes to walk away from the Simpson residence, but Marge, sad to be seeing him go, steps forward.]

Marge: Wait, I know a place you can go. A place where a sadistic man with government experience can feel right at home.


 * [Cut to the DMV. Patty, Selma and Wayne are working. Sideshow Mel walks up to Wayne's booth and hands him a piece of paper.]

Wayne: Sir, this is the wrong form.

Sideshow Mel: Can you hold my space while I go get the right one?


 * [Wayne grabs on to Mel's necklace.]

Wayne: Nobody held my space while I was in a North Korean prison being forced to write a musical about Kim Jong-il with a car battery hooked up to my nipple.


 * [Wayne holds up a large pile of paper, the title reading "Being Short is No Hinderance to Greatness".]

Sideshow Mel: Oh!


 * [Flashback to a stage with people walking across it. A bus drives on to the stage. Out walks an actor portraying Kim Jong-il. He walks up to a man with a newspaper.]

Kim-Jon il: Pardon me, sir, can you tell me where palace is?

Man: What business do you have at the palace?

Kim Jong-il: Why, some day I'm going to be dear leader.

Man: [laughs] You? You're too benevorent to be dear leader!

Kim Jong-il: Let's see what they think.


 * [He points to a curtain that opens, revealing a choir. The letters "KIM JONG IL" light up behind them as they speak.]

Choir: K is for Korea, just the north part, I is for the internet he bans, M is for the millions that are missing, J is for our human-tasting jam, O is for "oh boy, we love our leader" [cut to only the real Kim Jong-il sitting in the audience] N is for the best Korea: North. G is for "gee whiz, we love our leader".


 * [The song continues off in to the credits.]