A Star Is Burns/Quotes


 * [The Springfieldians have a town meeting to discuss improving the town's image and attracting more tourism. Marge suggests hosting a film festival and having townspeople enter their own movies.]

All in favor of Marge Simpson's film festival idea? [chanting in unison] Film festival! Film festival! You like my idea? Actually, I have several others— [in unison, cutting her off] Don't push your luck! Don't push your luck!


 * [On TV, Rainier Wolfcastle is appearing on Coming Attractions, Jay Sherman's show. Wolfcastle talks about his new movie, McBain: Let's Get Silly, which depicts him as a comedian, alternating between telling bad jokes and dispatching hecklers (and many other audience members) with various weapons.]

The film is just me in front of a brick wall for an hour and a half. It cost eighty million dollars. [disgusted] How do you sleep at night? On top of a pile of money with many beautiful ladies. [even more disgusted] Just asking. Yeesh!


 * [At the airport, the Simpsons meet Jay Sherman, who's come to judge the Springfield Film Festival.]

Hello, I'm Marge Simpson, and this is my husband, Homer. Oh, nice to meet you, Marge. I saw your hair from the plane. [to Homer] And this must be the man who didn't know if he had a pimple or a boil. It was a.


 * [Preparing to make his movie for the film festival, Mr. Burns meets with Señor Spielbergo, his director.]

Listen, Señor Spielbergo, I want you to do for me what Spielberg did for. [looking doubtful] Er, Schindler es bueno. Señor Burns es el diablo. Listen, Spielbergo, Schindler and I are like peas in a pod: We're both factory owners, we both made shells for the Nazis, but mine worked, dammit! Now go out there and win me that festival!


 * [At the Simpson home, Jay Sherman talks with Patty and Selma while Homer watches.]

Okay, Sherman, you're a movie expert. So tell us. Who's gay? Oh, I don't know ... [mumbling]. No! "Who else?"
 * [Homer whispers into Jay's ear.]

Oh. MacGyver's gay.
 * [Patty and Selma growl and advance on Jay, who cowers from them. Homer giggles.]
 * [The scene shifts to outside. Jay has been stripped to his underwear and is dangling from the rain gutter by the waistband of his shorts.]

[seeing Jay and laughing] You badmouthed MacGyver, didn't you?

[walking to the movies in drag, then seeing the film festival is being held] Oh, I thought they were showing  tonight.


 * [At the film festival, Hans Moleman's Man Getting Hit by Football has just been shown.]

[laughing to the point of tears] This contest is over! Give that man the ten thousand dollars! [disapprovingly] This isn't America's Funniest Home Videos. But... the ball! His groin! It works on so many levels! [still laughing] Roll it again!


 * [Mr. Burns' film festival entry, A Burns for All Seasons, has just been shown. To Burns' shock, the film draws a strong negative reaction from the audience.]

Smithers, are they booing me? Oh, no, sir. They're saying "Boo-urns, Boo-urns". [to crowd] Are you saying "boo" or "Boo-urns"? Boooooooooooo! [to himself] I was saying "Boo-urns".


 * [The jury members are casting their votes for grand prize at the Springfield Film Festival. Jay Sherman is dismayed that Mr. Burns' movie is drawing votes.]

How can you vote for Burns' movie? Let's just say it moved me... TO A BIGGER HOUSE!! Oops, I said the quiet part loud and the loud part quiet.


 * [A remake of Hans Moleman's movie is an Academy Award contender.]

[on screen, getting hit by football] Ow! My groin!