The Man of the House

"Don't be alarmed, Mr. Smokey Detector! It's just me ... Ralph!"

- Ralph Wiggum

The Man of the House is a Simpsons Comics One-Shot Wonders story that appears in.

Synopsis
Chief Wiggum steps out of the house for a few minutes, telling Ralph that he's in charge until he gets back. When Ralph takes his dad's words to heart and starts doing "man of the house" things, a series of disasters ensues.

Plot
Clancy Wiggum says he has to run out of the house for a minute, and tells Ralph that he's in charge until he gets back. After Clancy leaves, Ralph realizes that being in charge makes him the man of the house. First, saying that he "must secure the perimeter", Ralph locks the dead bolt on the front door. With that duty attended to, Ralph goes to the kitchen to make himself a "man of the house meal" and asserts his authority by telling the kitchen and the refrigerator that he's the boss of them.

Ralph begins his "man of the house meal" by making coffee. He pours water from a vase with flowers into the coffeemaker's water reservoir, followed by an entire can of coffee. Then, saying that "Daddy likes his coffee with cream and sugar", Ralph adds a jug of milk and a healthy portion of a bag of sugar. He then puts the coffeemaker into the oven (which he calls the "cooking machine"), sets the oven's temperature to 500 degrees and waits for the coffee to be ready.

Ralph next decides to make some "instant toaster waffles". He fetches another jug of milk and a carton of eggs from the refrigerator, then pushes a chair up to the counter next to the toaster and stands on the chair. He then pours the milk into the toaster's bread slots, and cracks several eggs into the slots as well. Ralph pushes the toaster's lever down, but isn't pleased with the result thus far ("my waffles are getting soggy in there") and decides he needs to add some "flowers". Still standing on the chair, he reaches for the flour canister, but just as he touches the canister, he overbalances and falls over. Ralph ends up knocking the canister off of the counter and spilling flour everywhere, including all over himself. Ralph exclaims in delight at being "fairy-dusted" (and enjoys the smell of the coffee as smoke starts pouring out of the oven), but realizes he's made a mess.

Ralph gets a mop from the utility closet and starts cleaning in the kitchen, as smoke continues billowing out of the oven and now starts coming from the toaster as well. Very quickly, however, the flour and eggs on the floor turn into a sticky pastelike mass which gets stuck on the mop's strands. Ralph decides the mop needs a special swirly shampoo, like the ones he gets at school, and takes the mop to the toilet. He puts the mop in the toilet bowl and flushes, but the toilet clogs and water starts pouring out. Ralph figures that the mop is wetting itself and needs to put on a pair of his "I'm a big boy now" diapers. He leaves the bathroom to get some.

Meanwhile, the smoke from the oven has filled the kitchen and spread to several other rooms, setting off the smoke detector. The toaster with the "waffles" has also caught on fire. Water continues pouring from the clogged toilet and spreads from the bathroom into the hallway.

Ralph walks into the bedroom where the diapers are, but now has forgotten what he went in there for. Gleefully, he spies a toy boat and starts sailing it in the water, which is now ankle-deep. Then he hears a pounding coming from the front door. Ralph investigates, finds a fireman breaking through the front door with an axe, and tells the fireman he's a bad man because he "broke and entered".

The scene shifts to outside, where the fire department has now arrived. Three firemen frantically work to put out the fire, which has now spread to upstairs. A fourth fireman gives Chief Wiggum a dirty look, and Wiggum protests that he can't understand what happened: "I only went out to the driveway to get the newspaper!" Ralph, for his part, sits on top of the fire engine and announces that he made coffee and toaster waffles for everyone.