Diatribe of a Mad Housewife/Quotes

You were gonna start a novel without informing me?! Homer, you left two jobs and bought an ambulance without even a phone call! I also fed some ducklings. I know, I got your message.

Marge, I figured it out! Lee Harvey Oswald wanted to steal the Jack Ruby! Jack Ruby was a man, not a jewel. Oh, I was so close!

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I need some dinner STAT! And the kids need some CPR lessons. We're not paramedics! I'll say.

Hello, this is Tom Clancy. Would I say, "If you're hunting for a good read this October, Marge Simpson's book is a clear and present danger to your free time"? Hell no I wouldn't. What do you mean I just said it? That doesn't count! Hello. Hello?

[to herself] I'm finished, and it's so suggestive. Well like they say "snuggling sells."

[singing] Here in my car, I am hosing off blood. Some of it's mine, but most of it's not. Here's Marge. Homie, I finished my novel... Wooh, typed. It's really important that you read it and tell me what you think. No problem. Aww 286 pages! It's double spaced. Woo hoo! I'm half-way through!

How can you write such horrible things about me? You told me you liked it! You didn't read it at all! You lied to me! I didn't lie. I was writing fiction with my mouth.

Did you agree to be married to a drunken lout who wouldn't respect you? Pretty much. We wrote our own vows.

Well? Well what? Did you read it? [right eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes. Did you like it? [left eye bounces left to right twice] Um... yes. Do you think I should publish it? You know what I say, publish or parish!


 * [Inside Lisa's brain.]

I can't believe mom wrote a book before we did! And it's a little trashy. Mom has expressed herself; we should nurture her. Let's kiss boys! Binge and purge! Rock and roll! [to Libido] You're not getting out until we're 16. [growls, waving her arms in a comical fashion]

Did you like it? [puts down last page] Don't you think you're a little hard on Dad? What do you mean? [reading page] He went to the shop with the sign: Salted Blowholes. "Mmm... Blowholes," he drooled.' Doesn't that sound a little like Dad? Yes, I guess it does resemble your father.


 * [The windsock at Boris' Car Loft is ripped from its platform; it flies away.]

Awww. That was my only friend here.
 * [Homer gets up on the platform and "performs" in the windsock's place.]


 * [Homer's driving the ambulance with Comic Book Guy - who's clutching his heart - in the back.]

So, where to, my friend? I already told you: the hospital! You're an ambulance, not a cab! The hospital, huh? Seems like everyone's going there tonight.


 * [Homer's driving the ambulance with an unconscious man in the back.]

[to the unconscious man] So, you got any kids? [beat] Quiet kind, huh?

Bart, this is horrible! What if Dad reads it? It's too long; he won't read it. Well, what if they make it into a movie? It's too sappy; he won't see it. Well, what if they do a parody about it on ? [gasps] We're doomed!