Bart After Dark/Quotes


 * [Bart, Lisa, and Homer are watching The Itchy and Scratchy Show when the TV goes blank]

[screams] Dad! V-chip, v-chip! Sorry, sorry, my fault. [turns TV back on]

Kent Brockman at the Action News desk. A massive tanker has run aground on the central coastline, spilling millions of gallons of oil on Baby Seal Beach. [gasps] Oh, no! It'll be okay, honey. There's lots more oil where that came from.

We'd be doing our part for the environment! Plus, we'd get to clean up all those cute animals. Honey, we don't need to drive 400 miles to clean animals. You can stay right here and give the dog a bath. Or trim the cat's nails.
 * [Snowball II walks by with high toenails.]

Oh, Mom, please? You can make this my birthday and Christmas presents. You already used up your birthday and Christmas presents on that peach tree we got you. And you hardly ever play with that anymore. Yes, I do. Sure, I do. Look! [runs out and frolics by the tree] [singing] Here I am playing on my peach tree, Mom. Oh, all right, we'll go.


 * [Marge gives Homer instructions while she and Lisa are gone.]

Now the cat needs his medication... No problem... ... every morning and the furnace has been putting off... Can do. Right. Uh-huh. ... a lot of carbon monoxide, so keep the window open. Gotcha. Cat in the furnace. Ah, you know, I think we'll take Maggie with us.

And if anything happens, just use your best judge- mmmm... just do what I would do.

A whole week of just father and son. See you at dinner. [he and Bart walk off whistling] What time? You know? I don't know. Shall we say... 10:00? All right, just wake me up.

Dad, do I have to brush my teeth? No, but at least rinse your mouth out with soda.


 * [At Baby Seal Beach.]

I'm gonna rescue a baby seal, and then I'm gonna save an otter! Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry, but all the animals have already been reserved for celebrities.
 * [Rainer Wolfcastle carries up a huge sack.]

There. That's 104 pounds of sandpipers. You mean there's nothing left to clean? Well, there are rocks. Thousands and thousands of rocks. [smiles]
 * [Later that day, Marge and Lisa are scrubbing rocks.]

I've got rocks that need washing at home.

Dad? I think I need some fresh air. Can I go to the park? Do I have to sit up? No. Knock yourself out.


 * [At the Springfield Park, Milhouse is showing his RC plane to Bart and Nelson]

Milhouse, this is boring. Make it crash or something. Perfectly level flying is the supreme challenge of the scale model pilot.


 * [Milhouse's plane aims towards Martin and Ralph, who are riding a paddleboat]

Ah! It's gaining on us! I'm pedaling backwards!

I don't like being outdoors, Smithers. For one thing, there are too many fat children.


 * [Milhouse's plane is stuck on the roof of a mysterious old house.]

Thanks a lot. Now it's stuck on that haunted house. I heard a witch lives there. I heard a Frankenstein lives there. You guys are way off. It's a secret lab where they take the brains out of zombies and put them in the heads of other zombies to create a race of super-zombies. That's the house?!

[after climbing on the roof to get Milhouse's plane] S-U-C-C-E-E-S! That's the way you spell succe... ''[slips and slides down the roof, bumping into a gargoyle which crashes to the ground. He hangs onto a rain gutter when a caterpillar steps on Bart's fingers one by one and its tickling makes him slowly lose his grip.]' [laughing] No, no. H-help, h-help. I'm gonna die. [falls off the rain gutter and is soon spotted by Belle, who grabs him by the ear]

Oh, no! The witch has Bart! We've got to hurry! [the boys run off screaming]


 * [Homer answers the doorbell.]

Just a minute! [there are sounds of grunting and paper tearing; opens the door wearing only a paper bag as pants; sees Bart with Belle] Hello? Your son was trespassing on my property and destroyed a very valuable stone gargoyle and... are you wearing a grocery bag? I have misplaced my pants.

Aw, I don't know how to punish you. What does Marge usually do? She makes me taste beer. Come on, boy, give your old man a little credit. [the bag bursts, sending a load of groceries to the floor]

[drops Bart off at Belle's house] Now you're gonna do chores for that lady until you work off the damage you did. It's called "responsibility". [drives forward, and crushes the mailbox; screams, backs off, and drives away]

I can't believe I've gotta spend all my free time dusting doilies in a smelly run-down dump for a creepy old witch. [pulls a curtain and sees scantily-clad girls dancing can-can and people gambling] Lady, I gotta tell ya, I have been grossly misinformed about witches.

Wow, man, what is this place? I prefer not to be called "man". My name is Belle, and this is the Maison Derrière. That means the, uh, "Back House".

Normally, we don't allow children in here, but your father was so insistent. He's tough but fair. I'll start sorting these bras. That's a bit advanced for you, but I know a stopped-up sink that needs some attention. Just glad to be on the team.

When you work the door, the main things are to greet the visitors and toss out the troublemakers. Ah, the ol' greet 'n' toss. No problemo. How did I ever get along without you?


 * [When Grampa visits the Maison Derrière.]

[whistles & hangs his hat; sees Bart] Oop. [whistles again, turns around, picks up his hat and leaves; sticking his head in] Is your name "Bart"? [nodding] Mm-hmm. What the... Does your father know you're working here? It was his idea. In that case, I'll have a whiskey sour.


 * [Marge, Lisa, and Maggie are still scrubbing rocks at Baby Seal Beach]

Oh, there's something unsatisfying about scrubbing these rocks and I think I know what it is. [a wave washes a new coat of oil on the once-clean rocks] Lisa, I know it's frustrating, but we made a commitment, and we have to see it through, no matter how unpleasant.
 * [The cleanup guy drives up.]

Quitting time. Okay. Scrub up and head for the communal tarp. We're having kelpburgers, and we're going to watch a tape of Johnny Arvik, he's the Eskimo comedian.
 * [Marge and Lisa stare at him for a moment; scene cuts to them driving away.]

Faster, Mom, faster!


 * [When Belle gets off the telephone.]

Oh, that was our emcee, Mel Zetz. He got out of bed too fast and broke his hip. So who's gonna warm up the crowd tonight? Well, whoever fits Mel's tuxedo. Eep. The jokes are in the breast pocket. If you get in trouble, there's a switch that makes the bow tie spin. [the tie spins while making an amusing noise]


 * [Bart's on stage in Mel Zetz's suit, telling jokes.]

Heh, nudist colonies are everywhere these days. I'd love to go, but I... [stares at the card] can't get the wrinkles out of my birthday suit. [rim shot, heavy laughs] [Bart looks at the card again in disbelief] But, I gotta tell you, Adam and Eve must have been the first bookkeepers. They invented the "loose-leaf" system. [rim shot, more laughs] If there's a bad bookkeeping joke, I haven't heard it.

It's 11 o'clock. Do you know where your children are? I told you last night, no!

[when he drives to the Maison Derrière to pick up Bart] Bart, where are you? Come on! I have to be up at 6am to swipe Flanders' newspaper.

I'm sorry. This is all my fault. Bart was filling in for... I don't care if he was filling in for Mel Zetz, he's my son, and I don't want him working... [in the next room, Homer sees Princess Kashmir doing a fan dance] ...so...late....that... Oh, I agree, kids need rules and boundaries. [in a trance-like tone] Yes, everyone loves rules. It's so tough to be a parent these days, what with all the gangs and the drugs. Oh yeah, drugs, you gotta have drugs. [goes in to see Princess Kashmir] Hey, he didn't pay the cover. Oh, Bart, he's your father. We'll comp him tonight, start a tab tomorrow.


 * [Principal Skinner visits the Maison Derrière.]

Oh, I hope I didn't miss the floor show. Nope. Is Roxanne back? Yep. Did she, uh, get my flowers? She did. [notices Bart] Hello, Bart. Hello, Principal Skinner. This is the National Air and Space Museum, isn't it?


 * [When Homer answers the door.]

Awww. This isn't about Jesus, is it? All things are about Jesus, Homer. Except this. Your son has been working in a burlesque house. Principal Skinner saw him with his own eyes.
 * [Principal Skinner appears from behind Reverend Lovejoy.]

That's true, but I was only in there to get directions on how to get away from there.

If Homer Simpson wants his 10-year old son to work in a burlesque house, then Homer Simpson's ten year old son is going to work in a burlesque house. [Marge appears and Homer screams]

Homer, did you know it was a burlesque house when you sent Bart to work there? No, I only learned that four days ago. What were you thinking, sending Bart to such an awful place? I was trying to punish him exactly like you would. So in an way, you really dropped the ball on this one. This is your mess, and I'll be damned if I'm going to clean it up.

Springfield doesn't want places like this. I think I know what Springfield wants, sugar. Oh? I've lived in this town for 37 years. I've lived here 52 years. I'm 3rd generation. 6th. Get out of my town!

I'm here to share my moral outrage. But this time it's not about that giant inflatable "Dos Equis" bottle. It's about a certain house in our town. Yeah, well what's wrong with this house? Is it the plumbing? No. It's a house of ill fame. A house of loose ethics. Is there a building code violation? A drainage issue? A surveying error? The house is perfectly fine! Well, then quit bad-mouthing the house! Yeah, leave the house alone!

People, this is an issue that we as a town are strong enough to ignore. Let us give no more scrutiny to this bawdy house and its small clientele of loyal perverts. Oh, I'm afraid this problem goes far beyond Eugene and Rusty.


 * [A slideshow of a couple Springfield residents entering Maison Derrière are shown. Their eyes are covered to protect their identity.]
 * [Slide of Dr. Hibbert.]

Julius!
 * [Slide of Chief Wiggum.]

Clancy!
 * [Slide of Principal Skinner.]

Skinner? Seymour! Mother...
 * [Slide of Patty.]

[off-screen] Patty?
 * [Slide of Cletus.]

Cletus!
 * [Slide of Barney which nobody reacts to.]

Oh, uh... Barney.
 * [Slide of Mayor Quimby, wearing a "Mayor" sash.]

Mayor Quimby! Uh, well, that could be any mayor.

Er, uh, well... eh, in light of these new facts, of which I now realize I was largely aware, I must take action. All in favor of demolishing our beloved burlesque house, raise your hands.

[whispers to Grampa] Are they talking about the bordello? No! The burlesque house. So just keep your mouth shut.


 * [Ned rings Belle's doorbell.]

[through the intercom] Who is it? Uh, it's an angry mob, ma'am. Could you step outside for a twinkle while we knock down your house? Just a minute.

Oh, there's no justice like angry-mob justice. I'm gonna burn all the historic memorabilia I'm gonna take me home a toilet. Well, there'd better be two.


 * [The mob is destroying Belle's house.]

My friends! Stop! [the mob stops looking intrigued] Sure. We could tear this house down... [the mob cheers and resumes smashing] No! My friends! Stop! Let me finish.


 * [When Marge arrives at the Maison Derrière with a bulldozer.]

What are you doing, Marge? Didn't you hear the song? No, I had to go rent the bulldozer. Well, we all changed our minds. Yeah, now we love the house. What about the sleaze and the depravity? It was a very convincing song, Marge! Mm-hm, there were kicks and everything. Oh. Can you sing it again? I'm sorry, it really was one of those spur-of-the-moment type things.

Well, I also have a song to sing. [a flaming arrow passes by her head] Don't make up your mind until you hear both songs. [clears throat, coughs] [sings off-key] Morals and ethics and carnal forbearance... [hits the brake lever of the bulldozer, which tears down part of the Maison Derrière]


 * [After Marge destroys the Maison Derrière.]

Thanks a lot, Marge. That was our only burlesque house. I do love it when you drop by, Marge. Next time, why don't we get together at your house.


 * [At the Maison Derrière, Marge is doing a ventriloquist act with a doll that looks just like her.]

So, Twiggy, I hear you and your husband, Woody, just had a baby. What did you name him? Chip.
 * [Rim shot. Nobody laughs.]

Take it off! [as a bouncer] All right, Dad, you've been warned, let's go. [takes him away]

We interrupt this cartoon for a special report. [gasps] Someone found my keys!