Homer the Whopper/Transcript


 * [Opening Sequence]
 * [Scene: Outside the Android's Dungeon. Bart and Milhouse go into the Androids Dungeon.]


 * Bart: Milhouse, watch me make a loser lose it.


 * Comic Book Guy: Customers, how I hate them.


 * Bart: Excuse me. I just heard that before Spider-Man was a movie, it was a comic book, is that possible?


 * Comic Book Guy: What the...? Suffering Steve Ditko! How can you not know that Spider-Man first appeared in 1962's classic Amazing Fantasy #15?!


 * Bart: [He reads the comic book has a 12 cents stamp] 12 cents! I'll take 8.


 * Comic Book Guy: What the...? You idiot! Mint condition copies are, like, $40,000 each! [He starts walking backwards] Must lie down on pile of unsold Hulk Hands. [He falls into Hulk Hands]


 * Hulk hands: Hulk smash. Hulk smash-smash. Hulk smash.


 * Bart: [chuckles] Huh? What's this?


 * Milhouse: "everyman"? He's not a hero from marvel, dc, Image or wildstorm.


 * Bart: "it was a typical day For delivery man avery mann until..."


 * Woman: Help! Bank robbers!


 * Thief 1: Shut your yap.


 * Narrator: Time for this average man to disappear.


 * [The thieves laugh]


 * Thief 1: Look at that fat guy-- beatin' it like an egg.


 * Thief 2: Yeah, he's scramblinin" like an egg.


 * Thieves: [laugh] Egg.


 * Avery Mann: Laugh while you can. [Avery Mann dressing in Everyman]


 * Narrator: Everyman absorbs the powers of every superhero Whose comic book he touches.


 * Avery Mann: Power-absorption power... Absorb! [touch in the book and transorms into Iron Man]


 * Thief 1: It's just a flyin' fatso-- keep robbin'. [Iron Man]


 * Avery Mann: Good afternoon, gentlemen.


 * [Thief fire submachine gun against Iron Man]


 * Thief 1: put me in sing-sing! It's safer!


 * [Police use handcuffs catch the thief, but the thief run of the bank]


 * Avery Mann: Perfect. Plastic man powers-- absorb! [touch in the book and transorms into Plasic Man]


 * [Plastic Man use the elastic foot and become in the jail to catch the thief]


 * Avery Mann: Going somewhere? Everyman will stop every crime every time. And I... Am... Everyman.


 * Comic Book Guy: Put my comic down.


 * Bart: You made this?!


 * Comic Book Guy: Shut up. No one is interested in the critical judgment of a worthless child...


 * Bart: Actually, I like it.


 * Comic Book Guy: You what now?


 * Milhouse: Everyman is awesome. Reading it, I escaped from my troubles. Now they're back in spades.


 * Bart: Have you shown this to anyone?


 * Comic Book Guy: No. If copies got out, It would be ridiculed by the online community-- Sonofsonofspock, thedorkknight, and ikilledkenny6475.


 * Bart: Don't be afraid of them. They're just lame-o's like yourself.


 * Milhouse: Two of them are me.


 * Comic Book Guy: Very well. I... Shall... Self-publish.


 * Milhouse: How many issues have you written?


 * Comic Book Guy: Oh, uh, just 335, including the controversial number 289, Featuring the death of marmaduke.


 * [Scene: Outside Springfield Elementary School. The children are read the book]


 * Bart: Comic book guy's been writing these for years. Who knew a troubled person could be creative?


 * Nelson: Yeah, still waters run deep.


 * [Nelson paint the spray]


 * [Scene: Outside Springfield Copy Shop]


 * Matt Groening: I'm so rich. I'm so rich.


 * [Scene: ]


 * Jonah's father: All right, what's our next big summer franchise? Come on.


 * Boy: You want an original idea?


 * Jonah's father: Yes. Let your imaginations run free. Something that's never been a movie before, But feels like it has.


 * Girl: Extension cords.


 * Boy 2: Mixed nuts.


 * Girl 2: Car keys.


 * Jonah's father: Eh, we've already made everything That could possibly be a movie into a great movie. There's nothin' left.


 * Jonah: Dad, can we go? I've watched all the dvds in the bentley.


 * Jonah's father: Jonah, what's that in your hand?


 * Jonah: Oh, big surprise that you don't know what this is. It's only everyman, the coolest comic book ever.


 * Jonah's father: What are his powers?


 * Jonah: All of them.


 * Jonah's father: That's it. Our next big summer movie will be everyman.


 * Girl: Uh, marv? Ginormous pictures bought the rights To everyman three weeks ago.


 * Jonah's father: Damn it!


 * [Scene: Android's Dungeon. THREE WEEKS EARLIER]


 * Studio Lady: We at ginormous pictures are incredible fans And think everyman would make a fantastic movie.


 * Comic Book Guy: Oh really? The way you thought "stratego" would make a good movie? You'd expect us to believe That a red scout would date a blue general?


 * Studio Lady: Hey, don't blame us-- brett ratner had final cut.


 * Comic Book Guy: I'm well aware of who had what cut. Let me get to the point: It is not money I am after, or women-- I know that is impossible. What I want is to pick the actor who will play everyman.


 * Studio Lady: No can do.


 * Comic Book Guy: Thank you.


 * Studio Director: But we never give...


 * Comic Book Guy: Thank you.


 * Studio Exec: They'll laugh us out of hollywood.


 * Comic Book Guy: Thank you.


 * Studio Lady: fine. You got it.


 * Comic Book Guy: Thank you. I played hardball with hollywood. The closest I will ever come to playing a sport in my life.


 * Krusty: "Wherever there's a crime to be solved, I will be there to solve... it." And there's more, but my fax machine ran out of ink, so I can't read it. Do you know where you can buy ink for an amiga brand fax machine?


 * Studio Lady: Thank you, that was great.


 * Krusty: You want to see it any other way? Like sad... Or brooklyn, or richard nixon voice?


 * Comic Book Guy: Pass.


 * Krusty: But I already bought a boat with the money you were gonna pay me.


 * Studio Lady: Come on, Comic Book Guy, you've gotta pick someone. We've already read three people.


 * Comic Book Guy: Don't you latté-sipping leeches understand? I've seen enough of these hollywood super-hunks. We need a dumpy, unappealing loser. an everyman


 * [Homer into the Androids Dungeon.]


 * Homer: Can you help me out? I need change for a dollar. Oh, I also need a dollar.


 * Comic Book Guy: You... Are... Acceptable.


 * Homer: Great. Do you want to see me naked?


 * Studio Lady: Oh, there's no nudity in this movie.


 * Homer: What movie?


 * [Scene: Simpsons house.]


 * Homer: Let's go around the table, and everybody say One amazing thing that happened to them today. Lisa?


 * Lisa: Well, I qualified for the national math bee--


 * Homer: Great. Marge, go.


 * Marge: Guess who the garden club Elected president?


 * Homer: You? Awesome. Next.


 * Marge: No. I lost.


 * Homer: Eh, they can go to hell. Bart?


 * Bart: Dr. Hibbert found out my thyroid isn't pumping out enough--


 * Homer: Time's up. Okay, maggie: "suck, suck"-- that takes us to... Me. Some hollywood idiots hired me to star in a movie.


 * [Scene: Ginormous Pictures]


 * Studio Lady: Homer, we have a problem.


 * Homer: Fine. I'll give back the oscars I stole from the lobby. Do you want the golden globe?


 * Studio Lady: No! No... But we have a bigger problem.


 * Studio Director: Homer, my brother and I showed this picture of you To a cross-section of typical moviegoers.


 * Studio Exec: Not one thought you looked like a superhero.


 * Studio Director: Several people stared at the sun, Attempting to blind themselves.


 * Studio Exec: Against every animal instinct they had.


 * Studio Lady: We need you to slim down, muscle up and become the everyman People want to be instead of the one they actually are.


 * Homer: I don't know if I can. I'm a yo-yo dieter: "yo, hot dog man. Yo, peanuts." Why aren't you laughing? Don't you know what "yo" means?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Maybe I can help. Lyle mccarthy.


 * Homer: Finally, the answer to my problem. What do you do?


 * Studio Director: He's the trainer to the stars.


 * Lyle McCarthy: Here's what brad and angelina looked like before they met me.


 * Homer: They look good with a little meat on their bones.


 * Lyle McCarthy: Come with me. Take my hand, homer, And wave good-bye to fat you.


 * Homer: Good-bye, fat me.


 * Woman: You sure that guy who created everyman's gonna like this?


 * Studio Lady: Him? He's gone hollywood.


 * [Scene: ]


 * Comic Book Guy: ...A lot of people have come to this town and changed, But not me. Now excuse me, I have to read a story To my adopted cambodian orphan. Nannies, produce the child and the story. Hello, prius-- give daddy a kiss.


 * [Scene: Simpsons house.]


 * Lyle McCarthy: Homer, do you know why you eat?


 * Homer: Because I'm swallowing my frustrations and disappointments?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Something bad happens and you cope by cramming a donut in your mouth.


 * Homer: Yeah, well, you don't always have time to...


 * Lyle McCarthy: I'm gonna teach you Healthy emotional alternatives to eating. We don't have much time, So we'll do it in a montage to the song "eye of the tiger." [Lyle McCarthy press this button on the radio, Homer press this button off the radio]


 * Homer: Oh, that song's a little on the nose. Can we do it to david bowie's "heroes"?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Eh, it's your montage.


 * [Lyle McCarthy press this button on the radio, Homer exercise is done but he is tired press this button off the radio]


 * Homer: Whew... This montage sounds really exhausting. How about I just do a walking around sad montage?


 * Lyle McCarthy: No.


 * Homer: A montage of me turning a ragtag little league team into state runners-up?


 * Lyle McCarthy: No.


 * Homer: Me using funny modes of transportation Like a hot air balloon and a camel, And finally a pickup truck full of chickens? Then I get out of the truck and go to thank the driver, But then I see the driver is a chicken?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Let's just skip ahead a month.


 * [Scene: Gym. "ONE MONTH LATER" Homer flexions are made]


 * Homer: 10,001... 10,002... And... Fit.


 * Lyle McCarthy: I gotta take this. Tobey! Cider house rules! Total wuss. Seabiscuit, you keeping off the sugar cubes? I hate this guy. I love this guy! Tobe, tobe, tobe, we talked about this. If the rice ain't brown, don't chow down. Look, I gotta bail-- I'm with everyman right now. No, no, no, no, no, don't worry. He totally sucks. I'm only lying to him. Good-bye! Bad-bye.


 * Homer: Was that tobey maguire?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Hey, home town buffet, like I told john travolta, my client list is private. You know what? Enough chitchat. Hit the pole! Stripper up...Fireman down. And sexy. Heroic! Sexy. Heroic! And sexy. Heroic! Earn that money.


 * Homer: Found this on the roof.


 * [Scene: Editing room]


 * Guard: Well, I think we've seen the last of the purple pariah. Thanks, everyman.


 * Homer: Don't thank me. Thank captain america For giving me the patriotism to want to save the president's life. And thank wonder woman for giving me the boobs to distract the guards.


 * Studio Director: And... Cut.


 * Homer: What'd you think, kids?


 * Bart: That was awesome!


 * Lisa: Although there were a few holes in the story.


 * Studio Exec: That's the problem when you have 17 writers. But don't worry, we have two fresh ones working on it.


 * [cuts to Maggie and Mr. Teeny banging at typewriters]


 * [Scene: Simpsons house tonight.]


 * Marge: Ooh, homie, take your shirt off again. [Homer take off your shirt] Oh! There's less of you to love, But I love you even more! Aah! What was that?


 * Homer: Your other hand. [chuckles]


 * [Scene: Town's roof]


 * Studio Exec: Cut! Terrific. Bring in the next helicopter.


 * Studio Director: Awesome performance, Homer. I smell oscar. Oscar, take a shower, or a tomato bath or something. Please!


 * Homer: This life is the greatest-- I get paid a fortune, I've got a closet full of free sneakers and watches, And I get to hire my friends.


 * Lenny: At least you get to see my face-- unlike carl.


 * Carl: I'm being paid to do what I love!


 * Homer: [chuckles] A lot of things come and go in life, But not fame and fitness.


 * Lyle McCarthy: Homer! Homer sapian, can I have a word with you? I know this is a bad time, but but I'm leaving for another gig.


 * Homer: Is that all this temporary job was to you, a gig?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Don't take it personally, home team.


 * Homer: But how will I keep from overeating?


 * Lyle McCarthy: Just remember what I taught you.


 * Homer: But you taught me the only people who can stay thin Are those who can afford $5,000-a-week nutritional consultants!


 * Lyle McCarthy: I've taught you well. Good-bye.


 * Homer: He's gone. One cheese cube couldn't hurt. Ooh! This other cheese cube stuck to the first one. Well, that still technically counts as one. Mm, it's bad luck to eat an uneven number of cheese cubes. Don't look at me! Don't look at me! You, you watch.


 * [Scene: Editing room]


 * Woman: Avery, I swear, you're the only man in gothamopolis Who's never seen everyman.


 * Homer: Well, one thing's for sure: I'm not everyman.


 * Studio Director: cut! This is a disaster.


 * Studio Exec: I'm getting a bad feeling about this film. The star's overweight, we're way over budget, And the grasshopperaptor we built Seems to have developed an evil mind of its own.


 * [Scene: Simpsons house tonight.]


 * Homer: Oh, marge, I'm ready for some lovin'.


 * Marge: Come and get me!


 * Homer: Marge! Speak to me!


 * Marge: I think you may have put on a little weight.


 * Homer: Nag, nag, nag!


 * [Scene: Kwik-E-Mart. Homer run into the Kwik-E-Mart.]


 * Homer: Apu, I have to lose weight now. Do you have anything that'll make me vomit?


 * Apu: Well, I don't know, I... Might have some milk that has expired. Ah, here we are. A delightful buttermilk from 1961. Oh, '61-- everyone was twisting again like they did the previous summer. Whatever you do, do not chew the chunks.


 * Homer: Uh-oh.


 * Apu: Cleanup in aisles in three, Two, one...


 * [Scene: Editing room]


 * Studio Director: And... Action! Ugh.


 * Men: What?


 * Studio Director: Cut. Where's homer?


 * Studio Exec: In his trailer. He won't come out? He can't come out.


 * Comic Book Guy: This film is an embarrassment of jar-jarrian magnitude! [here come security] As the writer, I demand to express my opinion.


 * Security: Ooh, I'm afraid that's not gonna happen.


 * Comic Book Guy: I see. Well, I respect that... And vulcan death...


 * Security: Hollywood ponytail yank!


 * [Security throw the container "former studio heads]


 * Men: My only sin was believing in george clooney!


 * [close the container lid]


 * [Scene: Aztec Theaher. Aztec, today: Everyman test screening-tell us how to do our job]


 * Homer: How you doing, man?


 * Studio Lady: Ooh, I think we have a clunker here. And I should know-- I produced bad summer movie, The parody of bad summer movies that was itself a bad summer movie.


 * Studio Director: Don't worry, we fixed everything with editing.


 * Studio Exec: Editing solves everything-- except my problems with the irs.


 * Studio Director: Yeah, how's that going?


 * [Exec shake your head]


 * Snake: Everyman... Show your-ssself.


 * Everyman: I'm right here. I've been here all along.


 * Lenny: Half the shots he's fat, half the shots he's thin--It's taking me out of the moment. Like when you're kissing a girl, and she burps.


 * Carl: Who was in charge of continuity on this picture?


 * Woman: I tried to show them the polaroids-- they wouldn't look.


 * Carl: It's your job to get their attention. Nobody takes responsibility anymore.


 * Woman: Well, I-I just wanted to get back into the business after I had my kids.


 * Moe: Yeah, well, now those kids have an embarrassment for a mother.


 * Lyle McCarthy: Home boy. What happened, dude? You went from everyman to everywhereman.


 * Homer: What happened is, you left! Who did you leave me for? Tell me-- I can take it. [sobing]


 * Lyle McCarthy: Okay! It was turtle from entourage.


 * Homer: I knew it! [sobing]


 * Lyle McCarthy: Come on, home run. It's okay, home alone. Look, I'm sorry. Let me make this up to you-- I'll train you, Then leave you again, then come back and train you. It's how I make my money.


 * Homer: Just you and me?


 * Lyle McCarthy: You, me and turtle.


 * Homer: That could work.


 * Lyle McCarthy: He is a great guy. He's an awful guy.


 * Homer: You just said both those things to me.


 * Lyle McCarthy: I'm sorry. I'm not sorry.


 * Studio Lady: Look, comic book guy, about the movie, We know it's not great.


 * Studio Director: Yeah, the projectionist hung himself at the final reel.


 * Studio Exec: But you created everyman--your fans will think whatever you tell 'em.


 * Studio Lady: If you put the word out that this movie is good, We'll let you direct the sequel.


 * Comic Book Guy: You would let me direct Everyman 2: Rise of the revenge?


 * Studio Lady: Absolutely! All you have to do Is tell your army of internet dweebs to go see this movie.


 * Comic Book Guy: Hmm, sell my soul for hollywood lucre, Or stay true to my lofty ideals.


 * Comic Book Guy: Everyman, the motion picture, Is the combination of a life-long dream, And I was one of the few who saw that dream realized on screen last night. If there is one fault to find with this $200 million production, It is that this is the worst movie ever! And send! And sip.


 * Narrator: Though legislation was passed to ensure everyman was never seen on screens again He remains in the hearts of every man, woman and child Looking for justice, or just hoping to see bad people beaten up.


 * Homer: I'm so cold.