Bart vs. Thanksgiving/Quotes

Hello, operator! Give me the number for 911!

Alright Bart, that's it! Go to your room! Now! Okay, I'll take some white meat and some stuffing to go and send in the pumpkin pie in about twenty minutes. I said now! Mom, do I have too? Yes you do! I hope your happy Bart! You ruined Thanksgiving!

Alright! Twelve bucks and free grub to boot! Viva skid row!

I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

Now we can blame him for everything! It's your fault I'm bald. It's your fault I'm old. It's your fault I can't talk! It's your fault America has lost its way! It's all your fault! It's all your fault! It's all your fault!

Oh we have lots of names for these people. Bums, deadbeats, losers, scums of the earth, we'd like to sweep these people into the gutter, or if already in the gutter, to some other out of the way place. Oh we have our reasons. They're depressing, their ragged clothes, they're crazy, they smell bad. So every year on one conscience salving day, we toss these people, a bone. A turkey bone. And that's supposed to make it all better.

[as Bart muffles her with a cushion] Mmph. Bart! Stop fighting with your sister! She took my glue! It's not yours, Bart. This is family glue! Stop it, you two. This is Thanksgiving, so glue friendly or I'll take your glue away and then no one will have any glue to glue with. Dad, this isn't about glue. It's about territoriality. He only wants the glue because I'm using it. Oh yeah? Prove it. [hands him the glue] Here. Hey man, I don't want your stupid glue.

Who the hell is that? Bullwinkle. Who? Wait a minute, who's that? Underdog, don't you know anything? It wouldn't hurt them to use some cartoons made in the last fifty years. Bart, this is the tradition. If you build a balloon for every flash in the pad cartoon character, you'll turn the parade into a farce.


 * [A Bart balloon shows up on the television]

[as he tries to get the can opener to work] It's broken, Mom. Mom, it's broken. [sings] Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en, Mom-it's-brok-en.

See, Maggie, those silver-and-blue guys are the Dallas Cowboys. They're Daddy's favorite team. And he wants them to lose by less than five and a half points. Understand?

And now, get set for our fabulous halftime show, featuring the well-groomed young go-getters of "Hooray for Everything!" Oh, I love those kids. They've got such a great attitude! Ladies and gentlemen, "Hooray for Everything" invites you to join them in a salute to the greatest hemisphere on earth, the Western Hemisphere! The dancingest hemisphere of all!

I have laryngitis. It hurts to talk. So I'll just say one thing...You never do anything right.

At the risk of losing my voice, let me just say one more thing... [everyone listens carefully] ...I'm sorry I came.

And Lord, we are especially thankful for nuclear power, the cleanest, safest energy source there is. Except for solar, which is just a pipe dream. Anyway, we'd like to thank you for the occasional moments of peace and love our family has experienced. Well, not today, but... You saw what happened! Oh, Lord, be honest! Are we the most pathetic family in the universe or what?!

Mom, I poured my heart into that centerpiece! Things like that always happen in this family. I noticed that, too.

I saw the best meals of my generation destroyed by the madness of my brother. My soul carved in slices by spikey-haired demons.

[after giving blood] 12 bucks and a free cookie! What a country! [passes out]

If I'm not back at the home by 9:00, they declare me legally dead and collect my insurance!

Homer, this is a terrible thing that's happened, but we can't blame ourselves. We can and will! Children need discipline. You can ask any syndicated advice columnist.

[writing in her diary] Dear Log: My brother is still missing, and maybe it's my fault because I failed to take his abuse with good humor. I miss him so much already that I don't... know... [sobs]

What's your hurry? This place is depressing. Hey!I live here! I'm sure it's a blast once you get used to it.

When is that boy going to apologize? He sure is stubborn. Homer was never stubborn. He always folded instantly over everything. It was as if he had no will of his own. Isn't that true, Homer? Yes, Dad!