The Duffman Cometh!/Quotes


 * Ms. Hoover: Mr. Duffman! We invited you to talk career day to talk about your job. Please stop soaking the children in berr!
 * Duffman: Duffman is sorry. He just gets carried away with his love of partying!
 * Ms. Hoover: Children, do you have any question for Mr. Duffman?
 * Ralph: What superpowers do you have?
 * Duffman: The power to drink all night and promote responsible alcohol use all day! Oh yeah!
 * Ralph: Can you beat-up Spiderman?
 * Duffman: Uh... yeah, sure.
 * Ralph: Can you get Spider-Man out pof my nose?
 * Duffman: Er.... no.
 * Lisa: I have a question! Was being a beer spokes-mascot what you always wanted to do with your life?
 * Duffman: [SIGH!] No! Duffman had a dream once, but life... life is filed with compromises! Oh yeah!
 * Lisa: What did you want to be?
 * Duffman: You'll laugh!
 * Lisa: No, we won't.
 * Duffman: A shepherd.


 * Surly Duff: Hey, what about me? Old Surly's been busin' his hump at Duff Garderns for years! If anyone should get that gig it's me!
 * Howard K. Duff VIII: Why are you wearing that outfit on your day off?
 * Surly: Surly even refers to himself in the third-person, just like Duffman! What's it to you jerk-face? You want a piece of Surly?
 * Lindsey Naegle: You see, Surly, this is hy we keep turning down your application. We need someone with an "in your face attitude", not a "fist in your face attitude."
 * Surly: You ain't heard that last of surly!


 * Kent Brockman: With all his recent good work, truly Homer Simpson's Duffman is Springfield greatest good samaritan.
 * Ned: Homer? The town's greatest good samaritan? I suppose I have been slacking in my donations to the poor and needy lately. But what to give? What to give?


 * Lisa: Eureka! Mom! Mom!
 * Marge: What is it, Lisa?
 * Lisa: I've been training bees as part of a school science project, and I can mek them do tricks! Let me tell you how I did it!
 * Marge: Sorry, sweetie, I have to hem your father's outfit, And I just don't have time for your bee story.
 * Bart: Did you say "b" story?
 * Marge: No, Lisa's bee story.
 * Bart: Oh, because in a movie or TV show a "b story" is the less important, secondary plotline. Like say, Lisa training bees.
 * Marge: Which we just don't have time for right now.
 * Lisa: [SIGH!] They never have time for my b stories.
 * Marge: You mean your bee stories, Lisa!


 * Marge: You're going out agin? But that's every night this week!
 * Homer: Sorry, Marge, but the local frat guys having a poolside kegger, and I've got to judge the belly-flop contest! Look, you knew I was Duffman when you married me!
 * Marge: You weren't Duffman when I married you. You were just plain Homer, and I miss spending time with him!
 * Homer: Marge, I... I...
 * Marge: Yes?
 * Homer: I have to go.