Flaming Moe/Quotes


 * Homer: "Oh, no! I left a candy bar in my desk!"
 * Late shift worker: "That's funny, 'cause I found this candy bar in my desk!" [eats the candy bar]
 * Homer: [angry, balling his fists] "Time to punch in!"
 * [Homer hits his late-shift counterpart, and a brawl quickly ensues.]


 * Smithers: "Sir, the shifts are fighting like Iran and Iraq!"
 * Mr. Burns: "Who?"
 * Smithers: "Persia and Mesopotamia."


 * Smithers: "Sir, is that your will?"
 * Mr. Burns: "It is. I know it's hard to see a young buck like me and think of a day when I'm no longer in the pink."
 * [Mr. Burns sneezes, and the top of his skull flips open to reveal his brain. He quickly flips it closed.]


 * [After his half hour of lucidity passes, Mr. Burns is riding on his lawyer's back, pretending he is riding a dinosaur. Homer walks into the room.]
 * Homer: "Aaagghhh! A dinosaur!" [Runs out of the room screaming]


 * [After Mr. Burns refuses to let Smithers see his will, Smithers sneaks into the office and has a look at it.]
 * Smithers [reading Burns' will aloud]: "I, C. Montgomery Burns, hereby divide my estate and shares between the University Department of Applied Evil, Gary from Gary's Trap-Door Installation & Repair and finally, to my constant companion ..."
 * [Cut to Smithers confronting Mr. Burns.]
 * Smithers: [indignant] "Your tortoise?!"


 * [Disappointed at learning he's been left out of Mr. Burns' will, Smithers decides to console himself by visiting Springfield's gay nightclub, The League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen.]
 * Smithers: "Here's a place I can feel wanted."
 * [He gets in line outside the bar, where a doorman next to a velvet rope is screening who gets to go inside.]
 * Doorman: "You with the six-pack, you're in." [He moves on to the next man in line.]
 * "You with the Ben Affleck chin and the Matt Damon everything else, guess what. You're in."
 * [The doorman admits the next three men in line.] "In. In. In."
 * [To a man in a pink outfit] "Aahh." [The doorman smiles. Smithers arrives at the head of the line.]
 * Doorman: [to Smithers] "In your dreams."
 * Smithers: "Oh, c'mon, I've had a rough day."
 * Doorman: "With the buzz cut and the bow tie? This is a nightclub, not a John F. Kennedy cabinet meeting."


 * [Rejected from the League of Extra-Horny Gentlemen, Smithers goes to Moe's.]
 * Smithers: "Can I have a scotch and water?"
 * Moe: "My scotch is a scotch and water."


 * [Smithers tries to persuade a group of Springfield's average-looking homosexuals to visit Moe's Tavern.]
 * Grady: "Eeewww! Isn't that the place where all those rats committed suicide?"


 * [At the made-over Mo's, Homer bumps into a Comic Book Guy look-a-like.]
 * Homer: Hey, I didn't know you were ... urgh ... you know ... one of those ..."
 * Comic Book Gay: "I am not Comic Book Guy. I am his cousin, Comic Book Gay."
 * Homer: "But you do like comic books?"
 * Comic Book Gay: "A certain kind."


 * Moe: [after kissing Smithers] "Not bad. Like, I'm glad I tried it once."


 * [After Principal Skinner runs off with his new girlfriend, Superintendent Chalmers appoints a new principal.]
 * Chalmers: "Willie, you're the new principal."
 * Groundskeeper Willie: "Who's the new groundskeeper?"
 * Chalmers: "Also you. And you don't get more money."