Grade School Confidential/Quotes

[through bullhorn] Skinner, get off of my school. No, you get off of my school. Homer, Bart's up there! [taking bullhorn from Chalmers] Gimmie that. [through bullhorn] Bart, this is your father. Do you know where the remote is? I looked all over the house. Did you check your pocket?
 * [Homer checks and find that the remote was in his back pocket.]

[throws the bullhorn to Marge] It was... [lowers bullhorn] it was in my pocket

The fact is, I haven't ever had relations. I am a virgin. Haw haw! Hey, does this mean Mrs. Krabappel is a virgin too? Ha!

[over the PA] The bake sale to raise money for the car wash has been canceled due to confusion.

Now, Bart, son. I don't know what you think you saw…but, uh… let me assure you… What Seymour's, oh, what Principal Skinner means to say, Bart, is that sometimes a little boy's imagination can run away with him. That's the best you can do? You could have at least said that you were giving her CPR or rehearsing a play. Is it too late to say that?
 * [Bart nods.]

Bart, how come you're not sick? Eh, I gave my oysters to the cat. [points to the sick cat] Hey, why'd you eat 'em? I thought you were a vegetarian. I didn't. I just wanted to leave.

We have barricaded ourselves in the school, and we're not coming out 'til our demands our met! Willie hears ya. Willie don't care.

[to Edna] I've always admired your tart honesty and ability to be personally offended by broad social trends.

Just a minute, Edna. I don't think we're talking about love here. We are talking about S-E-X, in front of the C-H-I-L-D-R-E-N! Sex Cauldron? I thought they closed that place down!

Well, it's going to be hard to say goodbye to all of you. We've had a lot of fun together. Nelson, Nelson, Nelson. Oh, how many kids have you beaten up this year? I 'unno. 50. Ah, 50. Where does the time go?

We're just a little concerned, that if people were to find out that a principal were dating a teacher, they might see it as a conflict of interest. And there are those who might try to use it against us for their own advantage. Like me, for one. Like you… for… Bart, if life has taught me one lesson repeatedly, it's to know when I'm beaten. Let's talk deal.

[raises hand] Mrs. Krabappel, I also have an announcement to make. Can't it wait until I retire? [clears throat and gets up] I want one and all to join me in celebrating the anniversary of my portentous birth. [begins to pass out invitations; gives one to Nelson] Here you are, Nelson. A birthday party? [makes raspberry noise, and shoves the invitation to the floor] [picks it up, and puts it back on the desk] Here you are, Nelson.
 * [Nelson raspberries again and knocks it back to the floor.]

[picks up the invitation and puts it back on the desk] Here you are, Nelson. I said [raspberry].

I guess we could go to Martin's party. I don't know. If we're seen there, it will definitely take our social standing down a notch. We're what now, 3? 3 and a half. We get beat up, but we get an explanation.

Edna! Seymour. Mind if I sit down? It's a free country. I, I don't follow you. Oh... just sit down, Seymour. [he does] It might be nice to talk to a grown-up for a change, heh. Well, this party is certainly a break in my routine. You know, normally I spend my Saturdays carefully laying out my clothes for the following week, then I stroll down to the car wash to see if Gus is there. Oh, yeah, you gotta keep busy. I collect matchbooks from glamorous nightclubs. It's amazing if you just write to them and ask them nicely... [trails off] Is this how you imagined your life, Edna? Well, yes, but then I was a very depressed child. To poor decisions. [they clink glasses] Hear, hear. [they drink up]

[to Mrs. Prince] I told you we should have served cake instead of oysters! I'm ruined! [punches Martin in the gut] Ha-ha, ohh... [collapses]

You are never going to guess what I saw at Martin's party after you guys left. You know that playhouse? Well, I... [overhears Bart] Good gravy! Oh, thank you. It's just brown and water.

[to Mrs. Krabappel] Mmmm. This dessert is exquisite. What do you call it? Applesauce. [chuckles] Oh, of course. I'm sorry, I, I don't get out to restaurants much. That's okay. I don't entertain much. Usually it's just soup for one, salad for one, wine for three. [laughs] You know, I always thought I'd fall for a woman just like mother, even though I didn't want to. And now that I haven't, I've discovered what true happiness can be, Edna. [gets up] Seymour, swallow that applesauce and kiss me. I'm afraid I already swallowed it while you were talking. [the two of them embrace and roll down to the floor].


 * [Bart keeps Mrs. Skinner company while Principal Skinner's on his date.]

I collect pictures of cakes that I clip out of the magazines. It all started in 1941 when "Good Housekeeping" featured a photo of a lovely cake. [opens album] You wouldn't happen to have any real cakes around here, would you? Oh, my, no. I don't care for cake, too sweet. Now, this is called a Lady Baltimore cake. [points to a picture] At my age, I don't have much saliva left, so you'll have to lick my thumb before I can turn the page. [gives Bart the thumbs-up] Oh, can't I just turn the page for you? [reaches for the page] [slaps Bart's hand away] No! But you can pick out any picture you want to take home with you. Okay ... that one. [points] [slaps Bart's hand away] No! You can't have that one! That's a coconut cake!

Mrs. Krabappel, Bart has something he wants to say to you. I won't say it! Bart! Oh... [shudders] I love you, Edna Krabappel.
 * [The entire class laughs at him]

[in a sing-song tone] Bart's going to marry the teacher. Where are you registered, Simpson?


 * [Bart escorts his class to the janitor's closet.]

Okay, crew, set your faces to stunned. ''[opens the door which reveals Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel kissing. They look up horrified. Mrs. Krabappel tries to pull her skirt back down her leg, but it scoots back up]'' [to the kids] Um, uh, school dismissed!

[to his parents] And Principal Skinner and Mrs. Krabappel were kissing... and swearing!

[to her dad and Apu] Father! Uncle Apu! A teacher was in the closet with the principal and he had as many arms as Vishnu and they were all very busy.

I was in the library at the time, but Janey told me that Principal Skinner and Bart's teacher, Mrs. -- what's her name? Krabappel? Yeah, Krabappel. They were naked in the closet together. [gasps] Oh, my goodness! Wait a minute. Bart's teacher is named Krabappel? I've been calling her Crandall. Why didn't someone tell me? Oh, I've been making an idiot out of myself! [runs out of the room]

[to his parents] Mrs. Krabappel and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and then the baby looked at me. The baby looked at you? [picks up phone] Sarah, get me Superintendent Chalmers.  [ Mrs. Wiggum dials the number] Thank you, Sarah. ''[Mrs. Wiggum smiles knowingly]''

Skinner! [startled] Superintendent Chalmers. The whole town's in an uproar about your sleazy shenanigans. Now, I'm going to give you a choice: You can either give up this tawdry, fulfilling relationship, or you two will be out of here so fast your mortarboards will spin. And where is your mortarboard, anyway? Uh, right here, sir. [retrieves it and puts it on, sending a cloud of dust flying] So, what'll it be, Seymour? Well, I'm sorry but uh, I can't give up the woman I love. Well, then I'm afraid you leave me no choice. I want you out of the building by 3:00. You're fired. Edna, too. [gasps]

You have got to end this thing, Seymour. We're not coming down until our jobs are reinstated and you acknowledge and celebrate our love. No one would like to celebrate your love more than I, but I'm a public servant, and not permitted to use my own judgement in any way. [takes the phone] Then let us take our case directly to the townspeople. Oh, yeah, that'll be real productive. Who do you want to talk to first? The, the guy with a bumblebee suit, or the one with a bone through his hair? My opinions are as valid as the next man's! Yeah, all right. Just come on down.

Well, it's clear you've been falsely accused. Because no one, anywhere, ever, would pretend to be a 44-year-old virgin. [the crowd walks off] Oh, that's for sure. I'm, uh, I'm inclined to agree. Ach! I'll never look at him the same again. That was more than I wanted to know. [clears throat] Okay, well um, Edna, Seymour, in light of these uh, uh, revelations, I uh, suppose we uh, overreacted. Do we have our jobs back? What? Oh yes, yes, sure. Just uh, you know, keep the lewdness to a minimum. [hurries off]

I'm outta here. Skinny, Krabby, catch ya later. Uh, hold on, Bart. May we have a word with you? We want to thank you for helping us through a difficult period. Oh, no problemo. So I guess now you'll be getting married or something, huh? Well, actually, Seymour and I have decided to break up. Huh? Mm. We can't continue on like this, trying to build a private relationship in public, the whole town watching our every move with a fine-toothed comb. Mmm-hmm. I'm used to humiliation but not in front of a crowd that size. Aw, but you seemed like such a good couple. Bart. When you get a little older you're going to learn that sometimes romances don't turn out exactly the way you'd like them to. [sighs and trudges out of the building] That's why I love elementary school, Edna. The children believe anything you tell them.

Now Bart uh. You must promise not to fall in love with me
 * [The entire class burst out laughing.]

[furiously] Oh now Martin's now screwing off me. That is it! [stands up] Listen up everybody follow me! [walks out of the classroom and his classmates follows him]


 * [Bart enters Principal's Skinner's office as Skinner begins packing his things into his box]

[sadly] You wanna to see me Principal Skinner? [nods his head] It's Mr. Skinner now. I'm just a man. Bart uh, I want to apologize for the operate position Edna and i put in your help make our love possible. I don't know what to do without you [pause and pats Bart on the head] now so long. [Skinner picks his box and steps out of the office] Wait a second! You don't have to leave just because Superintendent Chalmers told you to. [to Bart] what are you getting at? He spent your whole life following orders from your mother, the armies, Superintendent Chalmers just once man stand up youself. Okay
 * [Mrs. Krabappel passes by carrying her box of her things.]

Let's go Seymour. Okay Edna. I-- No wait. [drops his box] We're not going anywhere! ''[Mrs. Krabappel stops at the moment]'' I gonna do what Bart should told me to do a long time ago!