Itchy & Scratchy Land/Quotes

Dad! Remember how you said that going to Itchy and Scratchy Land would be too damned expensive? Oh, everything's too damned expensive these days. Look at this Bible I just got. Fifteen bucks! And talk about a preachy book! Everybody's a sinner except for this guy. But now is cutting ticket prices in half. Can we go, Dad? Can we can we can we, take it, Lis. Can we? No no no no no no no no no. Ask your mother.

Mom! Dad! Bart's dead!
 * [Homer and Marge gasp]

That's right, dead serious about going to Itchy and Scratchy Land. You know, Itchy and Scratchy Land isn't just for kids. They have a place called Parents' Island. Hmm? Yeah. "Dancing, bowling, fashionable shops, over one hundred bars and saloons, and a world class chemical dependency center." TV Town! Hammock Land!

This year I want us to do things together as a family and get a lot of good exercise outdoors so we'll have a lot of wonderful memories of our vacation. Don't worry, Mom. We'll make you proud of us. Lobster hat... Fishnet Speedo, Jr... Wheelie Shoes... invisible dog leash. Well, I'm packed.

Okay, let's make a pact. This is gonna be the best vacation ever, or we all agree to disband and join other families. Agreed.

There's no need to murmur, ma'am. Here at Itchy and Scratchy Land, we're just as concerned about violence as you are. That's why we're always careful to show the consequences of deadly mayhem so that we may educate as well as horrify. When do you show the consequences? On TV, that mouse pulled out that cat's lungs and played them like a bagpipe. But in the next scene, the cat was breathing comfortably. Just like in real life. Hey look over there!

I'll have the brain burger with extra pus, please. Bart! Eyeball stew. Homer! We just got here and already I'm mortified beyond belief by your embarrassing behavior. I was just ordering a cheeseburger, Mom. They have violent names for everything here. Oh, I see. All right. I'll have the baby guts. Lady, you disgust me. Mom, that's veal.

Oh look! It's the twelve noon robot parade! Hurry up or we'll have to wait for the twelve-oh-five parade.

Look at all this great stuff, Lis. Cool, personalized plates. Barclay, Barry, Bert, Bort?! Aw, c'mon, Bort? Mommy, mommy, buy me a license plate! No. Come along, Bort. Are you talking to me? No. My son is also named Bort.

Who are all these characters? Well you're probably too young to remember the short-lived Itchy & Scratchy and Friends Hour. They had to come up with some friends. There's Disgruntled Goat, Uncle Ant, Klu Klux Clam... Oh yeah. They weren't very funny. I don't know, Disgruntled Goat had his moments.

Mop and bucket man to the exit of the "Nauseator." We have another jumper on the roof of T.G.I. McScrathy's. We need more "Bort" license plates in the gift shop. I repeat, we are sold out of "Bort" license plates.

I want all five T-shirts to say, "Best vacation ever."
 * 'Announcer: Attention, Marge Simpson. Your son has been arrested.

I'd be terribly embarrassed if I were that boy's mother. Attention, Marge Simpson. We've also arrested your older, balder, fatter son.

I'm so embarrassed. I wish there was a hole I could just crawl into and die. Okay, throw her in the hole. Oh, please. It was just a figure of speech.

You've got to listen to me. Elementary chaos theory tells us that all robots will eventually turn against their masters and run amok in an orgy of blood and kicking and the biting with the metal teeth and the hurting and shoving.

I have nothing to say to you. But Marge, I was a political prisoner. How were you a political prisoner? I kicked a giant mouse in the butt. Do I have to draw you a diagram?

My hair! You chopped off my hair! Oh God I'm ugly!

Hey, you're the guys who didn't like our capering. When you get to hell, tell 'em Itchy sent ya.

Back you robots! Nobody ruins my family vacation but me. And maybe the boy.

As Roger Meyers Jr., the owner of the park, I'd like to thank you for stopping the killer robots. And to show my appreciation, here are two free passes. But there are five of us. [firmly] Here are two free passes. That's better.