Homer Simpson, This Is Your Wife/Quotes

I am so stoked about Lenny's party. He said he was gonna make a surprise announcement! Maybe he's getting married? Why the hell would he want to do that... blessed sacrament that has made my life so rich? I like your hat, sweetie. I'm not wearing a hat. I mean the one at the house.

Another party and we cain't go. Yeah. Just 'cause we's afraid of usin' the uppity box. [points at the elevator]

Ain't no party like a Lenny party, 'cause a Lenny party don't stop! [checks his watch] Eh, I gotta work tomorrow. I-I'd better go.

How did Lenny get to be "Newsfake" magazine's man of the year? That's just a souvenir from am amusement park. What?! Next you'll be telling me he didn't meet Woody Woodpecker. [points to a photo of Lenny shaking Woody's hand] I dated the woman in that suit for three months. Then she left me for the guy that cleans the vomit off the roller coasters.

Lenny, bring me a beer and your deepest chamber pot. Chop-chop!

Later, if I have enough energy, we can walk up to the TV, and I'll show you how thin it is. [looking out the window] Wow, there's a rainbow outside. [pointing to the TV] Oh yeah, well, right there's a commercial with a dancing cold sore.

Beat it! This is my alone time. Can you at least take a picture of me with the TV? I ain't fallin' for that again. [points to several framed pictures of Homer posing with the TV on the wall] Oh yeah, good times.

Yello? Congratulations, Mr. Simpson, you've won! The big-screen TV? No. No one wins that. You win third prize. A tour of the Fox Network in Los Angeles, California. All expenses paid? Uh, look, I gotta go.

Ooh, why look, there's from The Tracey Ullman Show. Hey, funny man, say something funny! Please, don't lean out the tram, sir, you might get hurt. Ooh, "don't lean out the tram-" Aaaaagh! [Homer is knocked out of the tram by a statue of Mischa Barton]

What are you doing, Homer? I'm signing us up for a reality show where we trade you to another family. Well, that might be interesting... or it could damage many, many lives.


 * [Homer and Bart moon the cameraman.]

Uhh. We'd better pixelate those. [panicky] There aren't enough pixels in the world! Yeah, urm, just cover it with 's head.

Your two families will exchange wives for a month. Then a viewer vote will decide who they think is the least reprehensible. I don't understand, dad. Our family has so many flaws. Why must we share them with the world? Because we'll be on TV, and earn enough money to buy a TV. TV! But, dad... Yes, TV-sa? Eh, forget it.

Listen up, Stonehenge. I made a drawing of the places on Marge you can't touch. Especially the hair. Oh, you needn't worry. I'm a bit of an elbow man, myself, actually. Heh, heh, heh. A bit different, a bit weird. Not sexual. You take forever to say nothing.

Charles hasn't satisfied me in years. Yeah, that's how I feel about Notre Dame football.

So, Charles, what do you do for a living? Well, I'm an office manager, and no, I didn't even get a promotion today, again. So go on, go ahead. Disembowel me with your pointy, pointy words.

Young man, I'm going to turn that cartoon into homework. Help me, cameraman! I let you some a cigarette in my bedroom! [brusque] That was a joint. And I have a name. It's Doug.

One more kind word from her, and I am completely smitten. Ooh, your toaster takes bagels! How ritzy! And there we have it.

What's that delicious smell? I'm burning all of your underwear.

I'm sorry, but I love Homer. Uhhh. Of course, you do. He's a real man... not like me, a miserable toad under the thumb of the biggest bitch this side of the Westminster Kennel Club. Charles, please... your son might see this. He's not my real son! His real father is either the pool man or my wife's lover. Oh, ho. They're the main two candidates I've narrowed it down to. Pretty sure. Oh, there, there. God, I miss Homer. I miss him too. What is it about him that is so damned irresistible? Well, he's loved me ever since the first moment he saw me, and he's never stopped. And whatever it takes to make me happy, he'll do it, even if it kills him.
 * [Doug turns to the director.]

Sorry, I ran out of tape just before that beautiful speech of hers. But I got a great shot of him saying his son's a bastard.

Lisa! What are you doing in the nutmeg state? Fox flew me out here to bring you back. They flew me on Frito-Lay's Air Force Yum! And I'm required to say "Come to the cool ranch and rope in the flavor. Yee-haw."

Let's go home, sweetie. I'm sure there's a hamper full of Homer waiting for me. And I'm coming with you... to tell my sea hag of a wife, "You're fired!" Hoo, hoo, hoo, hoo. I was doing, uh, ? Billionaire? If you knew who he was, you'd be dying. I know who Donald Trump is. Me too. I don't think you do. Spot on.

Oh, Marge, thank god you're back! She made me spend time with the kids! And not just TV time. Talking time! Where is she? Where's the soul-sucking she-beast that I call "Sweetums"? Maggie? She's in her crib.

Charles, I'm leaving you. Ya snooze, ya lose. You're leaving me for him?! So it would appear. However, Cousin Itt there, was born a woman. What brought us together is how much we hate you. Yeah, well, I'm gonna vote no on 38 so you can't adopt. [Patty twists his arm] Ah! Ow! Kidding! Kidding! I don't vote! The polling place is up a hill, and I never make it!