Homer vs. Patty and Selma/Quotes

What the hell are you doing here? You came to us in order to be bailed out of your money problems. Now we own you like Siegfried owns Roy.


 * [After Homer's debt to Patty and Selma has been revealed to Marge, thus revoking the agreement.]

"Time to fertilize the lawn. A couple of 500-pound bags ought to do it!"
 * [Homer tosses Patty and Selma out on the front lawn of the Simpsons residence.]

How's Dad today? Not too good, Lisa. Frankly, he's under the table.

Quit drowning in self-pity and come get drunk with us.

Oh wow, I can't believe my first passenger is comedy legend Mel Brooks. You know that movie, "Young Frankenstein"? Scared the hell out of me! Umm, thanks.

Hey, Homer! How come you've got money to burn? Or singe, anyway? Yeah, Homer, what's your secret investment? Take a guess. Uh, pumpkins? [pause] Yeah, that's right, Barney. This year, I invested in pumpkins. They've been going up the whole month of October and I got a feeling they're going to peak right around January. Then, bang! That's when I'll cash in.

Homer, you knuckle-beak, I told you a hundred times: you've got to sell your pumpkin futures before Hallowe'en! Before! All right, let's not panic: I'll make the money back by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

Hello, Homer. Marge, we had a deal: your sisters don't come here after 6:00 and I stop eating your lipstick. [wipes some off his teeth] This is a special occasion. Patty and Selma just got promoted at the DMV! Yeah, Homer: let your wife have a glimpse of success for once. All right, that's the last straw: time to take out the trash! But first, I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

I'm sorry: Homer doesn't mean to be rude, he's just a very complicated man.
 * [Homer appears at the bedroom window, breaks a plate over his head.]

Wrong! When are you going to wake up and smell your husband, Marge? Granted, you got some kids out of him, but when the seed have been planted, you throw away the envelope. I wish you wouldn't put Homer down like that. He may not be a big success like you, but I can always count on him to provide for the family.

Homer! Homer, wake up! There's still a few minutes till our usual bedtime. Oh, my invention! All our money problems could have been... Money problems? Homer, are we in some sort of fiduciary trouble? [Homer imagines Marge dressed like a queen] Oh, Marge, my loyal wife, of course not. [Lisa walks up; Homer imagines her differently] And Lisa, my little princess. [Bart walks up] And who could forget dear Ratboy? Ratboy? I resent that. [gnaws on doorframe] Bart, I told you before, stop gnawing on the drywall.

What a day, eh, Milhouse? The sun is out, birds are singing, bees are trying to have sex with them as is my understanding... It is a gorgeously fabulous day... marvelous, even. So, uh...what's your hurry to get to school? [slows down] Nothing... what's your hurry? [slows down more] [Bart stops walking] That's enough, Bart. Fun is fun, but if we're late we're going to get in trouble. You're right, Milhouse: fun is fun. [whistles]

[over PA] Attention, students. It's time once again to choose a gym class for the coming term so let's all prove how adult we can be by filing to the gym in a calm and orderly manner... even though it's first come, first serve, and the most popular sports fill up fast. [a mass hysteria takes over as everyone rushes to the gym] [getting trampled] Aah! Too many wee ones. This gets uglier every year! Any sign of Bart and Milhouse? No... and if they don't get here soon, it'll be T.S. for them. [at "tethered swimming"] I don't feel right.

Oh, no, it's P.E. signup day! How could you forget? They had signs posted all over the library. Better sign up for something fast, man. Baseball just filled up... oof! [gets kicked] So did Tae Kwon Do.

Heh heh, there's only one class left, but it happens to be the coolest one of all. Ballet? Dancing is for girls. Well, you should have gotten here earlier.

You're my last, last chance: bottom-of-the-barrel, hail-mary, long-shot, wish-you-would-do-it-but-probably-won't final resort to lend me money. We'll take care of you. Yes, care. [they laugh evilly] [Homer starts laughing too; he continues long after they stop] Cut him a check and get him the hell out of here!

All right, girls, today we learn the dance of the Faerie Queens. You can either be a faerie, or a queen. It's wide open.
 * [Bart groans.]

Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov? I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me. So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than bellyfire to be the next Baryshnikov Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies. Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie.

Is something wrong, Mr. Simpson? I don't like wearing tights, ma'am. But so many of your heroes wear tights: Batman, for example, and... . Look, I don't like this cootie platoon and I never well. I'm out of here, and I'm out of this stupid outfit. [struggles to take it off; struggles turn graceful] Wait! Joy of movement increasing. Love of dance impossible to resist. [the other girls gasp with delight] Toes twinkling... look at me, girls! I'm doing ballet... and I love it!

Hmm... am I wrong, or did it just get fatter in here? Request permission to slink by. Permission pending. First... light our cigarettes. But you're already smoking cig -- [they stub them and take new ones, clearing their throats] You're really pushing it. Come on, Homer: you can't spell "obsequious" without I-O-U. I'll have to trust you on that. Well, Marge was always a good speller... let's ask her. No! Don't tell Marge. I'll be good, I'll be good! [lights their cigarettes, then tries to light the IOU] Tut tut tut! Just for that, you have to crawl around on the floor like the dog you are. [stammers] Yes, ma'am. [gets on all fours] [the twins laugh] Now say, "I am Homer Simpson, the lowly dog" — in a dog's voice. I am Homer Simpson... Good, good. Jump, Homer, jump!

[walking in] What's going on in here? [in a dog's voice still] Absolutely nothing, Marge! What's that paper? What paper? [reaches for it] [it floats up and lands on top of the light] [gasps] Homer! Is this projection accurate? Did you borrow money from my sisters? I don't know, Marge, I can't be expected to keep track of all my wheelings and dealings. He blew all your savings on jack-o'-lanterns. [gasps] You told! [tosses Patty out] [tosses Marge out accidentally, runs out to get her] Sorry, Marge. [tosses Selma out] I never want to see you again! You either. Homer... Homer, why didn't you tell me? I was ashamed, Marge. I've failed you as a husband and a provider... and at best, I was a B+ dog. I'll understand if you want to sleep on the couch tonight. [goes to the bedroom]

See that? I started to do, like, a little arabesque, but then I just fully went for it and pulled off the demi-entrechat. Not that I'm into that kind of thing... [drinks a Tab] Bravissimo, Bart! Next week, class gives its first recital, and you, you will dance the male lead! Dance in front of the whole school? What is it with you and ballet? I have know you have great conflict, Bart: you love ballet, yet you fear the boys will laugh at you, no? No, I fear the girls will laugh at me. I fear the boys will beat the living snot out of me.

Hey, Dad. Whatcha doin'? Daddy has very important work to do. He's looking through the want ads to find a part-time job. Dad, that's a gag paper we got at the carnival. Oh. No wonder I didn't hear about Bart being elected world's greatest sex machine.

You're going to have to work hard to win this crowd over. Most of them are here as part of detention. Pretty big crowd. Mm hmm. We've even bussed in troublemakers from other schools.
 * [Bart gulps apprehensively]

That spiky-haired masked dancer is really something. I wonder who he is? He's graceful, yet masculine. So it's OK for me to enjoy this.

[thinking] They love me; I'm accepted. I don't need this mask any more. [out loud] Behold, the masked dancer is me, Bart! [removes mask; everyone gasps] It is I who have won your acclaim. Bart does ballet! He dances like girls! Ha ha! Go ahead and laugh. But I took a chance and did something I wanted to do. And if that makes me a sissy, well, then... I guess I'm a sissy. [pause] He's a sissy! Let's rush him.

Stupid driving test at the stupid DMV where stupid Patty and stupid Selma work! Sometimes I think God is teasing me... just like he teased Moses in the desert. Tested, Homer! God tested Moses. And try to be nice to my sisters. It's very hard on me to have you fighting all the time. Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now that's sarcasm.

Well, well, well: look who needs us again to get his chauffeur's license. Look, all I ask is that you be fair. Oh! Did not adjust side mirror. Minus one point. Failed to check blind spot. Minus two points. You won't be happy until my family thinks I'm a loser, will you? You are a loser, Homer... and we're winners. You gotta learn that. Ooh, seat belt twisted. Minus one point. Nagging the driver. Minus ten points for you! Grazed a cone. Minus five points! Being a jerk. Minus a million points!

[to Patty & Selma] Ladies, please don't tell me you're smoking in a government building. Because that is precisely the kind of infraction that can cost a couple of sisters their promotion. [they gasp, and stammer] [chuckles to himself] [sees Marge looking unhappy] [sighs] I'll never forgive myself for this. [grabs both cigarettes, drags] Wait a minute! Those are yours, sir? [monotone] Yes. [coughs] I am in flavor country. [skeptical] Both of them? [hacks] It's a big country. Ladies, I apologize. And you, sir, are worse than. [she slaps him]

Homer, um... I'm speechless. You just saved our hides. Please, on top of everything else, don't make me picture your hides! That's a wonderful thing you did for my sisters. I didn't do it for them... I did it for you, Marge. I'd kill for you. Please ask me to kill for you... No, Homey. You see? You see, this is the stuff I've been telling you about that you never see! Homer... we're... sorry. If there's anything we can do to make it up... Call off the debt? Or, say, we could let you pass your driver's test... Call off the debt? Uh... well... Debt's off! Let's go, Marge. [squeals away in his car]