The Wandering Juvie/Quotes

This is our Li'l Hooker line. All the girls your age are wearing it... except the freakishly unpopular. But I'm eight years old! So is your look.

Edna, we don't need wedding china. The dishes mother won on Let's Make a Deal are holding up nicely. Seymour, if we register for these dishes, our wedding guests will buy them for us. And I suppose those wedding guests will also pay for dishwashing liquid, heated water and two-sided sponges? [speechless] Hmph. [she storms off] Silent anger; the cornerstone of a successful marriage.

A fake wedding? That's what I call chutzpah. Yeah, I'm gonna scam this town out of so many presents. And, what I don't use, I'm gonna return... for store credit. Store credit! Store credit! Store credit!

Another employee family wedding. What's the traditional peasant gift, a milking cow? Actually, silverware is all that's left on the registry. Oh, see if Lenny wants to go in on a spoon.

Remember, if anyone asks, you're my niece from out of town. I am your niece, Uncle Joe. Good lord, I'm an abomination!

So, you thought you'd pull a fake wedding, eh? You're under arrest! C'mon, chief, it was just a prank. Would flatware make things right? Um. What does it say on my badge? Cash bribes only. Let's go.

Bart, the record of your mischief is staggering. Just look at this file. [she holds up a normal sized folder] That doesn't look so big. Those are the directions to the facility where Bart's criminal record occupies three full storage lockers. Six feet by eight? Six by fourteen!

Judge?! Please, judge, you can't... I... I'll do anything! I'll squeal on my dad. He's been up to bad things. Crap you've never even thought of. We've already got an informer working deep undercover on your dad. One he'll never suspect. Is it Lenny? Dammit! I mean... uh, no. No.
 * [Lenny stands up, tears off a wire from his chest and walks off]

[to Marge while she's crying] Your eyes need diapers.

[sobbing] My boy is in jail! I'm the worst mom in the world! It's not all your fault. All these years, I watched you turn our son into a time bomb, and yet I did nothing. So, in a way, I too, am victim... of you.

So, why do you want to be a guard here? I believe that children are the future... unless we stop them now. [Homer hits his fist into his hand] Welcome aboard! [the warden holds up a nightstick] This end's for beating, this end's for holding. [gives it to Homer] Uh-huh, when does training start? It just finished.

Here you are, son. I brought you a lollipop from the guards' lounge. [sticks his tongue out at the tormentors] Not so tough now, huh?
 * [A buzzer sounds.]

Well, that's the end of my shift. See you Monday. Oh, wait. Monday's Martin Luther King Day. I'll see ya when I see ya. [Homer kisses Bart's forehead and tussles his hair] Love you.
 * [Homer leaves and the other inmates advance on Bart.]

Uh, this lollipop's really for everyone.

You two will dance, and you'll like it. Then you'll have punch, and you'll drink it. Then your eyes will meet, and it will be awkward. So help me, God.

They're escaping! Seal the perimeter! I'm on it! [he raises a long pole and lamely attempts to pull the window closed] Can't you go any faster? Well, I can close it faster or I can close it right. Can't you do both? Talk to the union.

Hey, I'm only stickin' with you 'til I get these chains off. And, if we get caught, I'm tellin' 'em this was your idea. Yeah? Why would they believe you? Because I can do this. [she starts crying] That mean boy, he dragged me out of the dance... and I didn't want to go, but he was too strong! But you've got twenty pounds on me! And then he said I was fat! Oh, I am screwed!

To understand the mindset of the escapees, we've brought in an expert, former under-aged offender... Snake. If they're smart, Kent, they'll stay off the main roads. [hold up a book] It's all here in by book The Ten Habits of Highly Successful Criminals. Okay, I plugged your book, now put down the gun.
 * [Snake cocks the gun and presses it against Kent's chest.]

Tell them I'll be on Conan Thursday with and.

Why would Bart escape if he's gonna be released in two weeks? You just don't understand boys. He's stupid.

Say, Cletus, have you seen a couple of kids go by? I don't have such good memory since I drank my thermometer [slaps the side of his head to straighten his wandering eye] but I whittles what I sees. Is this them? [holds up a carving of Gina and Bart] It sure is. We're on the right track. Uh, hey, what are you making now? Uh, sometimes I whittles the future. [holds up a carving of Chief Wiggum being mauled by a bear] Hmm.

Great. I can get these cuffs off before I get a full-blown case of the cooties. Bart, I can't believe you don't know this, but there's no such thing as cooties, cootie shots, cootie forcefields or cootie insurance. But State Farm took my money!

You're such a psycho! Mama's boy! Future skank! Family guy!

Plant the evidence on 'em, boys! Uh, chief, we don't have to. These ones are actually guilty. Super. Makes our jobs that much easier.

Son, I want you to know, no matter what anyone says, there's no shame in being caught alive. Take a good long look at the innocent love in your son's eyes. 'Cause when he gets out of prison, it'll be gone forever. He will have a great bod, though. And a couple of those teardrop tattoos. Those are cool!

There's something I have to tell you guys. I... look, my fly is down because it's broken, okay? No, it's something else.

Bart, she took all the responsibility for the escape. You're free to go. But the kid's still got time on his sentence, chief. Look, if you all want to squeeze into the back seat, fine. With my box kite. Oh, forget it.

Welcome back, Gina. I got a few new cellmates for you. That's cool. I wouldn't feel comfortable going to the bathroom with no one watching.

I thought you might want to have a nice family dinner. We're having "make your own taco night". Gina, thanks for showing us the meaning of Christmas. And thanks for showing my brother that girls can be cool. Who is this nerd? [scared] Taco, please.

Well, my shift's over. I guess it's back to my bachelor apartment. Make a tuna sandwich... turn on ... and cry myself to sleep.
 * [the warden braces himself against the cell door]

Hmm. Would you like to join us? [annoyed] Didn't you hear me? I've got an evening planned! [he slams the cell door shut]