The Computer Wore Menace Shoes/Quotes


 * [After Lisa sets up his computer, Homer takes it for a spin on the Internet and visits the Springfield Police Department home page. An image of Chief Wiggum's face appears on the screen.]

[on-screen] If you've committed a crime and want to confess, click 'Yes'. Otherwise, click 'No'.
 * [Homer clicks "No".]

You have chosen 'No', meaning that you've committed a crime, but don't want to confess. A paddy wagon is now speeding to your home. [an image of a paddy wagon with a flashing siren appears in the corner of the screen] [indignantly] Hey!! While you wait, why not buy a police cap or T-shirt. [images of the items with the SPD logo appear, surrounding Wiggum's face] You have the right to remain fabulous! [the flashing words "NOW 80% OFF" appear on the screen]

No one can silence me but me! That arranged can be.

Who are you, and why are you holding me here? I want answers now, or I want them eventually!

Well, you can't post news if you don't have any. That's a great idea! I'll just make up some news! Ugh, at least take off your Pulitzer Prize when you say that!


 * [Mr. X reports that Apu's bagels are really old donuts.]

In the interests of public safety, we have confiscated every donut, bagel, cruller and bear claw in the city. And some coffee.

Well, if Mr. X were here right now, I'd buy him a tall frosty. Hey, Moe, can you keep a secret. No. Not even a little one? No! What if I just whisper it? No, I tells ya!

As far as your family knows, Homer Simpson is walking in the front door right about now. [taking his face out of ice cream with needles sticking out] I'm sorry, what?
 * [Next scene at the Simpson house.]

Homie! [speaking with a German accent] Marge, honey, Fraulein, I'm home! You're not my husband! Jah, please forgive my unexplained two week absence. To make it up to you we will go out to dinner at a sensibly-priced restaurant, then have a night of efficient German sex. Well, I sure don't feel like cooking.

It's great to be back.
 *  [ Santa's Little Helper barks.]

The dog thinks so too!
 * [The Simpson family laugh.]
 * [Fake Santa's Little Helper's mouth opens and gasses the family]

Bad dog! [as an island prisoner] You know once you get used to the druggings, this isn't a bad place. Truly god's country.
 * [Gas fills the screen.]

See you on the island... Yes, the island!
 * [Ominous music plays over the end credits.]