Simpsons Roasting on an Open Fire/Quotes


 * Homer: How many grades does this school have?


 * [Bart is singing in the school choir, so Marge cannot hear him individually]

Isn't Bart sweet, Homer? He sings like an angel. [close up, singing] Oh, Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile broke its wheel, and the Joker got awa- (he is cut off.)

Aw, come on Dad, this could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to The Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us. Oh, all right. Who's Tiny Tim?


 * [Marge shows Homer that the Christmas money jar is empty because of Bart]

[gasps and screams] Oh! It's true! The jar is empty! Oh my God! We're ruined. Christmas is cancelled. No presents for anyone!

You will not be getting a tattoo for Christmas. Yeah, if you want one you'll have to pay for it out of your own allowance.

Alright, children. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa's workshop in the North Pole. Oh please, there's only one fat guy that brings us presents and his name ain't Santa.

[writing] Dear Friends of the Simpson Family, We had some sadness and some gladness this year. First the sadness: our little cat Snowball was unexpectedly run over and went to Kitty Heaven. But we bought a new little cat, Snowball II, so I guess life goes on. Speaking of life going on, Grampa is still with us, feisty as ever. Maggie is walking by herself, Lisa got straight A's and Bart... well, we love Bart. The magic of the season has touched us all. Homer sends his love. Happy Holidays, The Simpsons.

[turning on laser] Now whatever you do boy, don't squirm. You don't want to get this sucker near your eye or groin.

Hey Santa, what's shakin' man? [as Santa] What's your name, Bart-ner... er... little partner? I'm Bart Simpson, who the hell are you? [annoyed] I'm Jolly ol' Saint Nick. Oh yeah? We'll see about that! [Pulls off his fake beard, just as their photo is taken] D'oh!

Dad, you must really love us to sink so low.

Thirteen bucks? Hey, wait a minute! That's right. One hundred and twenty dollars gross, less social security, less unemployment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less beard rental, less Christmas club. See you next year.

[buying a chewtoy for Maggie] It says it's for dogs, but she can't read.


 * Homer [trying to remember the name of Santa's reindeer]: Dasher, Dancer... Prancer... Nixon, Comet, Cupid... Donna Dixon?

This is the best gift of all, Homer. It is? Yes, something to share our love - and frighten prowlers. And if he runs away, he'll be easy to catch.

[as Santa, while he is walking out of his 'workshop'] Hey little kids! Santa's back! Ho! Ho! [hits his head on the doorway] D'oh! Dammit to---


 * [Homer falls off the roof whilst trying to hang Christmas lights]

Alright kids, prepare to be dazzled. Marge! Turn on the juice!
 * [Marge turns on the Christmas lights, and the results are less than spectacular. One bulb even blows out]

Well, what do you think kids? Beauty, isn't it? Nice try, Dad. Ugh...


 * [The whole family sings at the end, with Grampa playing the music by piano]

Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer
 * Had a very shiny nose,
 * And if you ever saw it,
 * You would even say it glows.

Like a lightbulb! Bart!!! All of the other reindeer
 * Used to laugh and call him names.

Like Schnozzola! Lisa!!! They never let poor Rudolph
 * Join in any reindeer games.

Like strip poker! I'm warning you two...!! Then, one foggy Christmas Eve,
 * Santa came to say...

Take it, Homer! Err... "Rudolph, get your nose over here,
 * So you can guide my sleigh... today."

Oh, Homer... Then all the reindeer loved him,
 * And they shouted out with glee:
 * "Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer,
 * You'll go down in history!"

Like Attila the Hu&mdash; Why, you little--! (strangles Bart)