Homer the Heretic/Quotes


 * [Homer watches a earlier episode of The Three Stooges]

You must be the chiropractors I sent for; now start manipulating my spine. Hey, Moe! We don't know nothing about manipulating. You heard the lady. Grab her spine and get crackin'. [crack] Eh-heh-heh. Moe is there leader. [Curly whoops] Why, you..! [bonk] [Curly squeals]

Apu, I see you're not in church. Oh, but I am! I have a shrine to Ganesha, the god of worldly wisdom located in the employee lounge. [Homer approaches Apu's handmade shrine.] Hey Ganesha, want a peanut? Please do not offer my god a peanut.


 * [Doorbell rings. Homer opens front door. Krusty appears in a black yarmulke on his head carrying a tin.]

Hello. I'm collecting for the Brotherhood of Jewish Clowns. Last year, tornadoes claimed the lives of 75 Jewish clowns. The worst incident was during our convention in Lubbock, Texas. There were floppy shoes and rainbow wigs everywhere. [breaks to tears] It was terrible...! Wait a minute! Is this a religious thing? A religious clown thing, yes. Sorry. Well, bless you any— [Homer closes door.]


 * [Homer wakes up to find the Simpson residence is aflame and he is trapped inside]

Agh! Fire! What do I do? What do I do? [Homer coughs] Oh, the song. The song!
 * [singing] When the fire starts to burn,
 * There's a lesson you must learn
 * Something something, then you'll see
 * You'll avoid catastrophe... D'oh!


 * [Apu, looking through binoculars, observes that the Simpson residence is aflame.]

[to himself] Fire at the old Simpson place! [Apu dons fire chief's helmet.] You are on your honor not to steal anything! [eating Frosty Krusty Flakes] Oh, we won't. ''[Apu seems distant. He picks up a small child from floor and placed to desk.]'' Little Jamshed, the store is in your hands. How I have wait for this day. ''[Loads a double-barreled shotgun. Kearney (and others) react cold frozen and drop his cereal.]''

Flanders... you saved me. Why? Heck... you'd have done the same for me.
 * [Homer imagines the Flanders residence aflame.]

HELP! HEEEEEELP! He he he he ha he.
 * [Homer returns to reality.]

That's right, old friend.

You know, I have a feeling there's a lesson here. Yes, the lesson is— No, don't tell me, I'll get it. Oh, I know – the Lord is vengeful! Oh, spiteful one, show me who to smite and and they shall be smoten! Homer, God didn't set your house on fire. No, but he was working in the hearts of your friends and neighbors when they went to your aid; be they [Ned] Christian, [Krusty] Jew or... [Apu] miscellaneous. Hindu! There are 700 million of us. Oh, that's super.


 * [last lines]

God, I gotta ask you something – what's the meaning of life? Homer, I can't tell you that. Come on! You'll find out when you die. I can't wait that long! You can't wait six months? No, tell me now! Well... okay. The meaning of life is...