At Long Last Leave/Quotes


 * Kent Brockman: Good evening, it is with great sadness that I inform you that America and China have declared war and a massive nuclear attack is expected to reach our shores within the hour.
 * Homer: [screams]
 * Brockman: Hahaha. That's the sort of hypothetical emergency today's disaster preparedness drill is designed to get us ready for.
 * Homer: [sighs]
 * Brockman: All Springfielders should now move off the streets and inside their homes. Please avoid the superstitious panic that marked the recent lunar eclipse.
 * [a picture of Homer rioting, standing on Abraham Simpson is shown]
 * Homer: Heheh. Sorry dad. I was afraid the dragon wouldn't cough the moon back up.
 * Grampa: You idgit! The dragon always coughs the moon back up.
 * Lisa: I know it's futile but I must again point out, there is no dragon.
 * Homer: Then why am I paying $800 a year in dragon insurance?
 * Lisa: Again, I maintain that money would be better spent on car insurance.
 * Homer: Lisa, everyone knows that dragons do not attack cars. Geez, pick up a book.
 * Lisa: [annoyed] I pick up books like you pick up beers!
 * Homer: Then you have a serious reading problem.
 * Brockman: Now remember, this is only a drill. AHH! The missiles really are coming. The so-called drill is just a way to get you into your shelters, without causing total chaos - is what I would say if this weren't a drill. This is not a drill!


 * Joe Quimby: And now, for the reason we are here.
 * [a picture of the Simpsons appears on the screen]
 * Marge: What's going on? Why is there a picture of us? This isn't good.
 * Homer: Oh honey, why would you always presume that a huge picture of us a t a secret meeting we weren't told about is a bad thing.
 * Quimby: The results are in. This town has voted unanimously to get rid of Springfield's unending nightmare, the Simpsons.
 * Simpson family: D'oh!


 * Moe Szyslak: They're here! The monsters are here!
 * Marge: Moe, it's me, Marge! I'm your friend.
 * Moe: [fearful] The monster queen is coming on to me!


 * Quimby: This is not about who wore who's hair where. We are here to banish the Simpsons. Although we are not pleased to be doing so.
 * Clancy Wiggum: I am!
 * Julius Hibbert: Me too!
 * Hyman Krustofsky: I feel like a kid at Christmas!
 * Sideshow Bob: I believe you know my position.
 * Quimby: I know we're all happy, I'm just trying to spare their feelings.
 * Cookie Kwan: Those freaks have no feelings. Even baby never cry.
 * [Maggie makes throat cutting action]
 * Townspeople: She's a freak!
 * Cookie: What baby does that?!


 * Homer: [imitating a country lawyer] Now, now, now, just a second here. Now, I know we're not perfect but, err, I believe it was who said-
 * Sideshow Mel: Silence! [throws a bone at Homer] That, was an inside me bone. [removes his bone from his hair and throws that at Homer as well]


 * Ned Flanders: Make way for Captain Coolerhead! Now, I like a good old fashioned witch trial as much as the next person but I do not think we should be as quick to judge our long time neighbors.
 * Quimby: Not so fast, Flanders! We knew you'd be the voice of mercy and we're prepared to answer your concerns.
 * [a log swings down and knocks Ned out of the Town Hall]
 * Quimby: Any other objections?
 * Flanders: I withdraw my- diddly.


 * Radio announcer: If you see a Simpson, do not try to reason with it. Just kill it and turn in the pelt for a free soda.
 * Homer: Soda, eh? [imagines the family as soda]


 * Bart: How you doing ?
 * Julian Assange: That's my personal information and you have no right to know about it. Hey, but we're neighbors. Would you like to come over for a movie sometime?
 * Marge: Is it Iraqi journalists being murdered?
 * Julian Assange: Don't be ridiculous. It's an Afghan wedding being bombed.
 * Homer: Well I have a really big secret for you. [whispers] I'm not wearing any underwear.
 * Julian Assange: You know, you should really get out less.


 * Jimbo: Home sweet squat.
 * Dolph: Yeah, this place is awesome. But it's not puppy safe. The little guy's coming home tomorrow.
 * [Dolph starts to install a puppy gate]


 * Clancy Wiggum: Not so fast! This case was already cracked by the last person you'd expect, the chief of police! You really thought you could fool me with that Burns and Smithers get-up? Haha, I mean, I'm not the sharpest pencil in the pencil thing but I'm at least as smart as a cat, right Lou?
 * Lou: What breed, chief? Well, I mean I saw an Abyssinian one that could change channels.
 * Wiggum: That is pretty smart.


 * Marge: Don't even bother shooting us. We've found a new place that we love. A place that may not have indoor plumbing but it's got something that we treasure more.
 * Homer: Yeah! Non-jerks!
 * Townspeople: [gasp in shock]
 * Quimby: Maybe he's right, we are jerks.
 * Wiggum: You want I should spray some of my Jerk Off on ya?
 * Quimby: Eh... it's okay.


 * Homer: Well, I've tightened the bolt. I think we're good.
 * Bart: You sure this is a good idea?
 * Homer: This is The Outlands, boy. Ideas aren't good or bad. They're just free.
 * [starts up jet engine powered quadbike]
 * Homer: I was wrong, there are bad ideas, there are terrible ideas! Arrrr!!


 * Seymour Skinner: I'm sure someone will come back and tell me where they went. If I go inside, they might not find me.
 * [Bart turns up in a constructed helicopter and throws Skinner a rope]
 * Bart: Aw, come on man. We wouldn't leave you behind.
 * Skinner: Bless you boy!
 * [Skinner, hanging from the rope, hits the Jebediah Springfield statue]
 * Skinner: Ow!
 * Bart: Accident! [sees that Skinner is about to collide with a building] Here comes another one!
 * Skinner: Ow! Ow! It's nice to be wanted.