I Love Lisa/Quotes

The doctor said I wouldn't have any nose bleeds if I kept my finger outta there!

I Choo-Choo-Choose you.

[reads his valentine] "To Moe. From your secret admirer." Yoo hoo! Oh God, no!
 * [Barney blows a kiss and belches]

Where do you want these beef hearts? On the floor. It doesn't look very clean. Just do your job, heart boy.
 * [The man drops the hearts from the truck to the floor]

I didn't cry when me own father was hung for stealing a pig, but I'll cry now.

Ralph thinks I like him but I only gave him a valentine because I felt sorry for him. Ah, sweet pity. Where would my love life have been without it?

You know, one day honest citizens are going to stand up to you crooked cops. They are!? Oh no! Ha-have they set a date?

[to Lisa] Uh... so... do you like... stuff?

My parents won't let me use scissors. [kids laugh at him] The children have a right to laugh at you, Ralph. These things couldn't cut butter. Now, take out your red crayons. Miss Hoover. I don't have a red crayon. Why not? I ate it.

Bah, this is just another Hallmark holiday cooked up to sell cards. Aww... a Valentine from my daughter! Can I have the envelope?

You may now exchange Valentines. Miss Hoover, I glued my head to my shoulder.

First, we're going to construct paper mailboxes to store the valentines. Isn't that just pointless busy-work? [taps her nose] Bull's-eye. Get cracking.

Attention everyone, this is Principal Skinner. Some student (possibly Bart Simpson) has been circulating candy hearts with crude off-color sentiments.

Hey, kids! Don't forget to watch my 29th Anniversary Show, featuring clips like this one of Sideshow Mel wacked out on wowie-sauce!


 * [About Krusty's 29th Anniversary Show]

I'd give anything to go to that show! I'd sell my first-born son! Hey! You'll do as you're told!

What do you say to a boy to let him know you're not interested? Well, honey, when I... [puts up a hand] Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all. I like you as a friend... I think we should see other people... I no speak English... I get the idea. I'm married to the sea... I don't want to kill you, but I will.

Six simple words: I'm not gay, but I'll learn.

Homer:' [answering the door]'' She's in the can. Go away.

Oh it isn't fair. I'm ten times the Krusty fan you are. I even have the Krusty home pregnancy test! I'm not sure if I should go. I don't even like him. You're right, Lis, you shouldn't go. It wouldn't be honest. I'll go, disguised as you. What if he wants to hold hands? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he wants a kiss? I'm prepared to make that sacrifice. What if he...? You don't want to know how far I'll go.

Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like? Sure it is, honey. You do mean stealing, don't you?

That story isn't suitable for children. Really? I keep my pants on in this version.

Good evening, everyone, and welcome to a wonderful evening of theater and picking up after yourselves.

Bart, do you want to play John Wilkes Booth, or do you want to act like a maniac?

Leave me alone. I'm here to play George Washington.

Ralph:' [reads Lisa's card]'' "Let's 'bee' friends." It says, "bee" and it has a picture of a bee on it. [laughs]