Mr. Lisa Goes to Washington/Quotes

Lisa Simpson's essay was great, do you not agree? Good indeed. Too good. Too much like her father's work!


 * [Female judge proceeds to speak to Homer as she suspects him of doing the essay for Lisa. She passes a losing contestant who gets reprimanded by his father.]

We the Purple? What in the world made you misread my paper?!


 * [Timber lobbyist is presenting his case for getting his company to clear-cut Springfield Forest. He shows a poster of a spooky forest.]

As you can plainly see, Springfield Forest is full of creepy old rotting trees...


 * [Timber lobbyist changes picture to a bunch of happy animals having a tea party using stumps as their tables.]

...in comes my logging company which does away with all those rotten old trees and makes life better for the animals. It is all part of nature's...uh...ya know...cycle. Look Jerry, you are a hell of a lobbyist and you make a spectacular case for clear-cutting forests, but this is not like burying toxic waste. People are going to notice those trees are gone.

This is the IRS building. Boo! BOO!


 * [Trahn has won the essay contest and is presented with an oversized check for $10,000.]

I wish to thank all those who participated in the essay contest, and I believe Lisa Simpson deserves special recognition for her negative, albeit powerful and true speech. [shouting] So give her the check!


 * [Audience laughs at they think Homer can make a proper lighthearted joke.]

[talking to himself] DOH! I was serious!


 * [Oil lobbyist is dressed in an outfit similar to the Rich Texan and presents Congressman Arnold with a picture of an oil derrick protruding from Teddy Roosevelt's image on Mount Rushmore.]

Congressman, we would like to drill for oil in Teddy Roosevelt's head. Much as I would like to help you, I believe people will be concerned about the sight of an oil derrick atop a President who was...


 * [Oil lobbyist presents a briefcase full of cash.]

Teddy who?


 * [Oil lobbyist then presents a badge and an arrest warrant. Several men in navy windbreakers storm Congressman's office.]

FBI! Bob Arnold, you are under arrest for graft!


 * [A motion is made in Congress to expel Bob Arnold from the House of Representatives, which is approved by the House. The bill is sent to President Bush the Elder for ratification. Bush the Elder is meeting with an African diplomat at the time he is signing the bill sealing Bob Arnold's doom]

This ought to please my bosses. YOUR bosses?! Oh yes sir! All 250 million of them!

Hey Einstein, put down your reading. It's lunchtime! Ah, you go ahead. Hey, you don't want to eat? What did you do, get one of those stomach staples? As Tolstoy said in Quotable Notables, "Give me learning, sir, and you may keep your black bread."

Who is that bookworm, Smithers? Homer Simpson, sir. Simpson, eh? How very strange. His job description clearly specifies an illiterate!

[reads] "Seven Ways to Spice Up Your Marriage. [ahem] [reads woodenly] Marge, you have a nice body. And if you'd like to see me in a costume, you have only to ask. Why, thank you, Homey.

I call first bedsies! Bart, there's no such thing as first bedsies. You just made that up. Well, okay. Which one do you want? I ... want ... that one. Really? You want that one? Well, it's all yours, whatever you say. Why, what’s wrong with it? Nothing! Have a good night's sleep, Lisa. No, really, what?! Nothing! What did you do to it? Nothing! MOOOOOM!


 * [Homer talks with a Reading Digest representative.]

Ooh, I love your magazine. My favorite section is, "How To Increase Your Word Power." That thing is really, really...really...good.

Then I heard the sound that all Arctic explorers dread, the pitiless bark of the sea lion! (gasp) He'll be killed! Homer, he obviously got out alive if he wrote the article... Don't be so.....(turns the page). Oh you're right.

They take hundreds of magazines, filter out the crap, and leave you with something that fits right in your front pocket! (Homer struggles to fit it in his pocket)

Good morning, this is your wake up call! Wake up call? It's 2am! Sorry fatso!

I had a feeling it was too good to be true. Every time you get a million dollars, something queers the deal. I don't think real checks have exclamation points.

Yes, sir, can I get you something? Playing cards, note pad, aspirin, sewing kit, pilot's wing pin, propeller-shaped swizzle stick, sleeping mask, and anything else I've got coming to me.

The trading gap shuffle, we're in a heap of trouble, doing the trading gap shuffle! He already sang this song! No, that was about the budget gap. This is the trading gap.

And this control stick is like the handlebars on your tricycle. Now, would you like to see where we hang our coats? No thank you. I'd rather push this button. [leans over and pushes a button] No! [in the main cabin, oxygen masks descend from the overhead compartments] Aagh! We're all going to die! [screams from the passengers]

Wow! A shoe horn! Just like in the movies!

Lisa, I'd like you to meet some of the other finalists. This is Trong Van Din and Maria Diminguez. Hello. Maria is the national spelling bee champion, and Truong has won both the Westinghouse Talent Search and the NFL Punt, Pass and Kick competition. Have either of you ever run into any problems because of your superior ability? Mm. Sure, I guess. Oh! Me, too! [embraces them]

These are special VIP badges. They'll get you into places other tourists never see. Miss, what does the `I' stand for? Important. Ooh. How about the `V'? Very. Oh. And Miss, just one more question. Person. Ah... What does the `I' stand for again?

[reading plaque] On this spot, Richard Nixon bowled back-to-back 300 games. Yeah, right.

Wow, the President's bathroom... [opens a curtain, revealing our First Lady in the tub soaking] [gasp] Do you mind?! Barbara Bush! Ugh, you have those damn badges. Okay...[plays tour guide] This tub was installed in 1894...

Bart! Get out of the Spirit of St. Louis!

I'm too excited to sleep. Anyone up for the Winifred Beecher Howe Memorial? [half-asleep] Who's that? An early crusader for women's rights. She led the Floor Mop Rebellion of 1910. Later, she appeared on the highly unpopular 75-cent piece.

Senator, there's a problem at the essay contest. Please, son, I'm very busy. A little girl is losing faith in democracy! Good Lord!

Aw, isn't that nice. Now there is a politician who cares. If I ever vote, it'll be for him!