Lisa on Ice/Quotes

[announcing to students in auditorium) Alright, first academic alert. Wiggum, Ralph. I won, I won!
 * [Ralph happily walks up to receive one.]

No, no, Ralph. This means you're failing English. Me fail English? That's unpossible!

"We won! We won! Unfortunately, since I bet on the other team, we won't be going out for pizza."

[Standing up for Lisa in the locker room] I don't want anyone to give her a hard time just because she's different: no jokes, no taunting- [spots Uter] Look, that kid's got bosoms! Who's got a wet towel? [chases Uter, laughing, while whipping a towel at him] Come here, you butterball! Don't make me run, I'm full of chocolate!

Now that we’re all alone, Marge, admit it, you like Lisa best. No. Oh, so you’re a Bart-woman are you! No. Well you can’t possible like Maggie best. What has she ever done? Nothin’ for nobody!

Lisa, your father and I are very concerned about this warning. I really hope you try harder. Whew! That's all of 'em… and I'm so proud you didn't try to forge my name. How about a present, son? Well, I could use a new pair of hockey skates. Done and done. That's not fair. Why is Bart getting a present and I'm getting chewed out? Ah, the mysteries of life.

Muntz, Nelson. You're failing History, Geography, and Math, but, er, you're doing quite well in Home Ec. [uncomfortable] Hey, keep it down, man. Ha ha.

[over the PA] Attention, this is Principal Skinner, your principal, with a message from the Principal's Office. All students please proceed immediately to an assembly in the Butthead Memorial Auditorium. [to himself] Dammit, I wish we hadn't let the students name that one.

Hey, Bart. If Lisa's better than you at hockey, you think you'll become better than her at school? Maybe I will, Milhouse. Maybe I will.
 * [At school.]

Who can tell me the capital of Spain? Bart Simpson. The square root of 36? Bart Simpson. Who freed the slaves? Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson. Bart Simpson, will you stop raising your hand? You haven't gotten one right answer all day. Sorry.

(opens car door) Okay, little buddy, hop in!
 * [Bart steps forward.]

Ah-ah! I mean my little girl buddy. That's very nice, Dad, but it's wrong for you to reward violent, competitive behavior. However, I will sit up front with you if it's a fatherly gesture of love. Okay, hon'.
 * [Lisa gets into the car.]

Sucker! Competitive violence! That's why you're here!

Milhouse, knock him down if he's in your way! Jimbo, Jimbo, go for the face! Ralph Wiggum lost his shin guard! Hack the bone! Hack the bone.

Children, the times they are a-becoming quite different. Test scores are at an all-time low, so I've come up with these academic alerts. [holds a stack of cards] You will receive one as soon as your grades start to slip in any subject. This wayour parents won't have to wait until report card time to punish you. How innovative. I like it! Hey Dolph, take a memo on your Newton: beat up Martin. [Dolph writes "Beat up Martin" which the Newton translates as "Eat up Martha"] Bah! [throws Newton] [being bonked on the head] Ow!

Tell you what, Simpson: I won't fail you if you join one of those peewee teams outside the school. You mean those leagues where parents push their kids into vicious competition to compensate for their own failed dreams of glory? Look, I don't need this. I inhaled my favorite whistle this morning!

OK son, just remember to have fun out there today. And if you lose, I'll kill you! [everyone laughs] Oh, Dad.
 * [Homer looks menacingly at Bart who then cringes.]

Hey! Way to knock out my teeth! Yeah, that's it, Milhouse, keep up the chatter.

[Covering her eyes] I can't even watch. I don't know how you two can sit here laughing at poor Lisa while she's out there probably scared to death. We're laughing with her, Marge. There's a big difference. Aaaaah!
 * [Homer and Bart start laughing again and pointing at Lisa.]

[to Marge, quickly] With her.

We're having our best season ever. And I would like to say that it is because of teamwork...gee, who am I kidding, huh? It's all because of Lisa.

Come watch TV with me, Dad. We missed the first two episodes of Cops, but if we hurry we can catch the last three. Aw, sorry Bart, Lisa and I are going out for a gelato. We'd ask you to come, but...you know.

Lisa, certain difference, rivalries if you will, have come up between us. At first I thought we could talk it over like civilized people, but instead... I just ripped the head off Mr. Honeybunny! Bart, that was your cherished childhood toy. Aah! Mr. Honeybunny! [tries to squeeze it back together]


 * [Marge hears shouts coming from Lisa's bedroom and runs in to find both kids wrestling.]

Stop it, stop it, stop it! [flicks light on and off] Mom, that is really annoying. Bart started it. Uh uh, Lisa started it. I don't care who started it. I don't ever want to see you two fighting like that ever again. We love you both: you're not in competition with each other. Repeat: you are not in competition with each other. [enters] Hey! Apu just called. This Friday, Lisa's team is playing Bart's team. You're in direct competition. And don't go easy on each other just because you're brother and sister. I want to see you both fighting for your parents' love! [flicks light on and off] Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

[to prisoners] All right, I'm going to make a little deal with you mugs. I'm going to let you all out to see my team play the hockey game if you promise to return to your cells. Sorry, pig, we can't make that promise. All right... all right, I'll sweeten the deal. You can see the game, you don't have to come back, but you have to promise not to commit any more crimes, OK? No. I'll take that as a "yes". [turns the key, lets the prisoners out]

[eating] Pass the ketchup.
 * [Bart slaps the bottle across the table with his knife, Lisa catches it.]

You'll have to do better than that tonight, chump.
 * [Bart hits the relish towards her and she ducks.]

[catching relish] I asked for ketchup! I'm eating salad here. I won't have any aggressive condiment passing in this house.

Good luck tonight, sis. I'll try not to hurt you. Don't worry, I'm wearing my lucky rabbit's head. [reveals Mr. Honeybunny's head on a necklace] [gasps] Mr. Honeybunny! You inhuman monster. You want a piece of me?
 * [They start slugging each other.]

[pulls them apart] Hey. Hey! Stop it, stop it! Conserve your precious hatred for the game.

And now, to honor America, here's Krusty the Klown. [singing] Oh say, can you see..La la la, da da light, what so proudly we... ya la la yah...oh... I shouldn't have turned down those cue cards.

[after Jimbo trips Bart] He tripped my boy! I demand vengeance. I want vengeance!

Oh my God, Marge. A penalty shot with only 4 seconds left. It's your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise; the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore!


 * [Bart and Lisa suddenly have flashbacks of caring for each other as toddlers, and decide to let the game end in a tie.]

Great game, Lis'. Great game, Bart.

Those kids are, like, so sweet. [sobs] If only they had peewee hockey when I was a lad. [sniffs] Oh well. [grabs a crowbar and rips seats apart]