Homer Loves Flanders/Quotes

Dad and Ned Flanders friends? Hah! What's next? A's on Bart's report card?
 * [She, Marge and Bart laugh together]

[stops laughing] Hey!

Homey, I'm very proud of you, but don't you think you're spending too much time with Ned? Your family needs you too. Oh, of course you'd say something like that, Marge. You've hated Ned for years! In fact, you wanted to bash his head in with a pipe. That was you! Love, Marge. Don't hate... love.

Honey, I'm so glad you're ho-- Can't talk, seeing Flanders. Later, sex.

Ned, since you've let me spend time with your family, I want you to get to know my family. [they go to Moe's) Hey, everyone. Hey. I'd like to introduce Ned Flanders, my best friend. Hey, I don't want no one in here with their "evils of alcohol" rap. Wait a second: you're the man at the hospital who reads to sick children. [grabs Ned] If this gets out, the next words you say will be muffled by your own butt.


 * [Homer throws a picture into the garbage]

Homer, that's our wedding photo! Marge, quit living in the past.

If anyone can pull it off, it's Stan "The Boy" Taylor. Stan, Stan, he's our boy, If he can't do it, no one… will.

Well, I guess I should pay my share. Relax, Homer. I keep telling you, you're my guest. Ooh, you brought me a nacho hat! Thanks, Ned (singing) Nacho, nacho man, I want to be a nacho man…

Men, there's a little crippled boy sitting in a hospital who wants you to win this game. I know because I crippled him myself to inspire you. [to his mom and dad] I hope they win, or Mr. Burns said he's coming back.

Oh, we have a winner! What's your name, sir? Ned Flanders! Oh, not Flanders, anybody but Flanders… Well, golly, if that doesn't put the "shaz" in "shazam." Oh, listen: what's the cash value of those tickets so I can report it on my income tax?

Give me, er, 30,000 tickets. That'll be $950,000 please. Look, the thing about that is, I only got $10 on me. Can I pay you the rest later? Sure.

Hey Dad, sell you these for fifty bucks… Woo hoo! Sold. [Bart takes the money and runs off] Those aren't tickets to the game, Homer. What do you mean? It says right here: "Free wig with every purchase of large wig. Downtown Wig Center". Why you little.

[receives a football] Wow! Thanks. Now I have four children You will be called "stitch face."

Just miles from your doorstep, hundreds of men are given weapons and trained to kill. The government calls it the Army, but a more alarmist name would be... The Killbot Factory.

Let's sacrifice him to our god! Come on, we did it all the time in the thirties.

I'd like to propose a toast to the coming together of the Simpsons and the Flanders. If this were a more perfect world, we'd all be known as the Flimpsons.

Don't worry, Bart. It seems like every week something odd happens to the Simpsons. My advice is to ride it out, make the occasional smart-alec quip, and by next week we'll be back to where we started from, ready for another wacky adventure. Ay, caramba! That's the spirit.

They don't call me "Springfield Fats" just because I'm morbidly obese!

Oh, I guess it's time for me to duck again. No! I want everyone to know that-- (yelling out window) --this is Ned Flanders, my friend! What'd he say? I dunno. Something about being gay.

What's so special about this game anyway? It's just another chapter in the pointless rivalry between Springfield and Shelbyville. They built a mini-mall, so we built a bigger mini-mall. They made the world's largest pizza, so we burnt down their city hall. Heh, heh, heh. Yeah, they swore they'd get us back by spiking our water supply. But they didn't have the guts. (drinks the tap water) Ooooh. The walls are melting again.

Why am I such a loser? Why? Well, your father was a loser, and his father, and his father ... it's genetic, man. (thinks for a second) D'oh!

(chuckling) I did it! Second in line, and all I had to do was miss eight days of work. With the money you would have made working, you could have bought tickets from a scalper. In theory, yes. … Jerk.

Hey, look! Homer's got one of those robot cars.
 * [Crash.]

One of those American robot cars.

Homer, I'd love to chitty-chat, but tonight's the night I do my charity work. Oh yeah. The judge made me do that once too. Stupid lack of public urinals.

Springfield has come down with a fever... Football fever. If you have the fever, there's only one cure. Take two tickets and see the game Sunday morning. Warning, tickets should not be taken internally. See, because of me, now they have a warning.

Marge, I think I hate Ted Koppel. No, wait. I find him informative and witty.

It's okay. There's no sugar in Pixie sticks.

Homer! Are you planning to hit Ned Flanders with that pipe and steal his tickets? Ye…no. [answers door] Huh? [Homer gets ready to hit him, but changes his mind] Oh. Flanders, I decided I'd like to go to the game with you. Well, get out the Crayolas and color me "Tickled Pink". Ooh, what's with the lead pipe, were you going to give my noggin a flogging? Well, yeah.
 * [They both laugh.]

Why do you mock me, O Lord? Homer, that's not God. That's just a waffle that Bart tossed up there. [she scrapes it down with a broom] I know I shouldn't eat thee, but-- [eats waffle] --Mmm... sacrilicious.

Come on, Ned! Move this thing! I can't! It's a Geo!