Whacking Day/Quotes

[singing conga-style] "I am evil Homer! I am evil Homer!"

But first, a look at the local holiday that was called distasteful and puerile by a panel of hillbillies, Whacking Day! In a tradition that dates back to founding father Jebediah Springfield, every May 10th local residents gathered to drive snakes into the center of town and whack them to snake heaven. [footage plays] After exposing, Honorary Grand Marshal Richard Nixon goes after another deadly hiss.
 * [Nixon accidentally repeatedly strikes a person holding a snake down for him.]

"Is Whacking Day over? [everyone boos] Thank you. Thanks for coming out."

How can you people turn on snakes after all they've done for you? I'm an old man, I hate everything but Matlock. Ooh, it's on now.

If the snakes were in here we could protect them. According to this, snakes hear by sensing vibrations in the ground. So, if we put our stereo speakers on the ground and play something with a lot of bass, those snakes will be in here like Oprah on a baked ham.

[whacking invisible snakes] Snakes! Snakes everywhere! You gettin' ready for Whacking Day? What's Whacking Day?

What's a battle? Hahahaha, let's go. Did that boy say what's a battle? No he said What's that rattle, it's about the heating duct. Hmm, it sounded like battle. I've had a cold, so... Oh so you hear r's as b's?

[reading from the Bible] And the Lord said, whack ye all the serpants which crawl on their bellies and thy town shall be a beacon unto others. [long pause] So you see Lisa, even God himself endorses Wacking Day. Lemme see that. [puts the bible behind him] Mmmmmmm, no.

Ladies and gentlemen! Whacking Day is a sham! It was originally conceived in 1922 as an excuse to beat up on the Irish. 'Tis true. I took many a lump, but 'twas all in fun.

I want you to keep filling your shirt with crud until I get back. Yes, sir.

Oh Whacking Day!
 * Oh Whacking Day!
 * Our hallowed snake skull-cracking day!

We’ll break their backs
 * Gouge out their eyes
 * Their evil hearts we’ll pulverize!

Oh Whacking Day!
 * Oh Whacking Day!
 * May God bestow His grace on thee.

Hey, kids, how was school? I learned how many grams in a pennyweight. I got expelled. That's my boy! [sips his Duff beer] Mmm... beer... [realizes] What!?

Bart, I'd like you to read this copy of "Johnny Tremaine." It's a book I read as a girl. A book!? Pfffft. I think you might like this. It's about a boy who goes to war. His hand is deformed in an accident. Deformed? Why didn't you say so! They should call this book "Johnny Deformed"?


 * [after realizing that Nelson, Dolph, Jimbo, and Kearney are still locked in the school's utility closet, Principal Skinner and Groundskeeper Willie rush over to the school with a bunch of mountain bikes]

We give them their bikes, no one sues. [laughs nervously] [laughs] What if they're dead, sir? Then we ride these bikes to Mexico, and freedom, Willie! Freedom! Freedom! [laughs, then under his breath] Yeah, I'll turn you in at the first toll booth.

Imagine...a school out there with no bullies. Science geeks not getting beat up. Kids using their lunch money for food. I can't take it!