A Fish Called Selma/Quotes

Dad, what's a "muppet?" Well, it's not quite a mop, and it's not quite a puppet, but, man... So to answer your question, I don't know.

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You may remember me from such films as The Greatest Story Ever Hula-ed and They Came to Burgle Carnegie Hall.

Tell ya what -- Just go down to the DMV tomorrow and try to pass that eye test. I'll tear up this ticket, but I'm uh, still gonna have to ask you for a bribe...

Troy McClure? I thought he disappeared after that scandal at the aquarium. [to Fat Tony] Hey, I thought you said Troy McClure was dead. No. What I said was he sleeps with the fishes. You see... Fat Tony, please, no! I just ate a huge plate of dingamagoo.

So... working at the DMV must be very interesting. Well... uh I think I'm getting Repetitive Stress Disorder from scratching my butt all day.

That wholesome stuff really helps when I'm trying to find you work. You haven't found me work in 12 years. Oh, you! -- Jury duty is work. And listen: you keep getting seen in public with human females, and I can get you work in the entertainment industry!

Hello, Selma Bouvier? It's Troy McClure. You may remember me from such dates as last night's dinner...

Troy, Mac Parker. Ever hear of Planet of the Apes? Uh... the movie or the planet? The brand-new multi-million-dollar musical. And you are starring as -- the human. It's the part I was born to play, baby!

Remember when we were kids, we used to dream about our ideal husbands? Who knew the dream would come true for one of us? Oh, come on. Guess which one. I know! I know! It's Selma, right?

It was a beautiful wedding. I've never seen Selma happier. That reminds me -- Troy said something interesting last night at the bar. Apparently he doesn't really love Selma and the marriage is just a sham to help his career. Well, enough talk. Let's snuggle.

Okay, then get this: I think they want you to play McBain's sidekick in -- brace yourself -- the new  movie! McBain's sidekick?! Hot damn! I'm going to Sea World!

Is this a sham marriage? Sure, baby. Is that a problemo?

Having a child -- that's a big step. You bet it is! Think what it'll mean! Not just the McBain movie, but maybe my own fragrance... "Smellin' of Troy"!

Look, I'm sorry, a loveless marriage is one thing. We're not hurting anybody. But bringing a child into a loveless family is something I just can't do. Oh, great, we'll adopt. I'll call my agent, he'll find some kid who wants in on the deal.