Gump Roast/Transcript


 * [Feather gracefully falls down, coming in to view of Homer sitting on a park bench holding a box of chocolates, mimicking Forest Gump. It falls in front of Homer, mesmerizing him, but then stabs him in the eye, making him scream. He pulls it out and let's it float away, but comes back and stabs him in the other eye, making him grab it and throw it to the ground. Chief Wiggum walks over and Homer opens his chocolates.]

Homer Simpson: Want a chocolate?

Chief Wiggum: Hold it right there, Forrest Plump. This town has laws against impersonating movie characters.

Moe Szyslak: [dressed as Austin Powers] Oh, behave!


 * [Moe is taken to the back of a police truck by Eddie and Lou. Dr. Hibbert is there.]

Dr. Hibbert: Luke, I am your father. [laughs]

Moe: Shagadelic.

Chief Wiggum: What are you doing here, anyway?

Homer: Waiting for my wife. She has a surprise for me.

Chief Wiggum: Hey hey hey, I didn't ask for your life story.

Homer: Did you say life story?


 * [flash back to a baby Homer in his mother's stomach, with one eye. He swims around.]

Homer: [voiceover] Things started out great. I ate what my mother ate. And my mother ate chili. Then, suddenly...


 * [Water in the belly drains and the baby, now with two eyes, starts screaming and pulling at his umbilical cord, eventually breaking it, then being pulled out of the belly. Flash back to Chief Wiggum and Homer.]

Chief Wiggum: Wow, tell me some more.

Homer: Don't you have criminals to catch?

Chief Wiggum: Hey, I'm working on it. We, uh, we got an undercover guy who's infiltrating the mob. Ah, there he is now.


 * [A nervous-looking man is standing next to Fat Tony.]

Chief Wiggum: Hey,, Pete!


 * [Fat Tony and the man turn around.]

Chief Wiggum: They fixed the Coke machine.


 * [Pete starts grinning as Fat Tony eyes him suspiciously.]

Chief Wiggum: Now, where were we?

Homer: My father and I were never really close.


 * [Flash back to Abe reading Homer a bedtime story.]

Abe Simpson: Jack and Jill went up the hill and... [licks finger and turns page] Jill came tumbling after. The end. Good night.

Homer: Is that the same Jack from Jack and the Beanstalk?

Abe: You know, son, I believe it is.

Homer: And Jack Sprat, is that him too?

Abe: Say, how about a little night well?

Homer: [drinks alcohol] All gone. Mmm..

Homer: [voiceover] I never found true happiness, until I met Marge.


 * [Flash back to Homer and Marge's college days.]

Marge: Excuse me, is this Room 106?

Barney Gumble: Hey, who's that?

Homer: I... I don't know.


 * [Close to You is heard as Homer and Marge first look at each other.]

Barney: Hey, would you like to go--


 * [Homer covers Barney's mouth.]

Homer: She's mine!


 * [Cut to older Marge and Homer dancing.]

Homer: [voiceover] We'd do everything together.


 * [Mental House Rock plays as Homer spins Marge by her hair, then Marge spins Homer by his leg, then Homer spins Marge by her hair again. They run up to a wall and flip, then begin dancing again. Homer throws Marge up, but she doesn't come down, instead she comes in through the front door. They continue dancing.]

Marge: Wow, a 50's nostalgia café!

Man: Well well well, I've never seen such reckless disregard for a wife's well being in my life. You just won yourselves a motorcycle!

Homer: Woohoo!


 * Cut to naked Homer and Marge with garden ornaments covering their genitals.]

Homer: [voiceover] And life just gets more exciting!

Homer: [looks down] Marge, can we trade? I don't trust these guys.

Marge: We've got to get home before someone sees us!

Homer: You know, all this danger is kind of a turn--


 * [Marge frowns and shrugs him off.]

Homer: OK.


 * [Cut back to Chief Wiggum and Homer.]

Homer: Then came the day that changes every couple forever: the day we got our elephant.


 * [Flash back to the Simpson house. Marge walks past, yawning, then proceeds to open the curtains, only to find an elephant outside. Cut to outside with the Simpson family dressed, observing the elephant. Homer and Marge gasp.]

Bart Simpson: Woah ho ho ho!

Elephant: [trumpets]


 * [ Santa's Little Helper and Snowball II run away. Flash back to Wiggum and Homer.]

Homer: While I wait for my family I'll tell you about the time my baby shot my boss.

Chief Wiggum: Hey, that's great, but I gotta get goin'. Woah! There's a whole 'nother row of these bad boys! [to Homer] Keep talkin'.


 * [Lisa shows up.]

Lisa Simpson: It's time for your surprise, dad. [points to the rest of the family in the car]

Bart Simpson: Yeah, hop in, Homer.

Homer: [gets up and begins to walk to car] Ah, the family car. We've been through a lot together.


 * [Flash back to Homer driving in the car with a parking meter on it. A truck is behind him, and a rock flies up and hits its windscreen. The driver honks and the people behind proceed to take over Homer.]

Cab driver: Get off the road, ya freakin' maniac!

Crushed bicycle rider: Yeah, ya jackass!


 * [Cut to the family in the car with Homer driving all over the road due to the bucket stuck on his head.]

Marge: Maybe I should drive.

Homer: What? I can see fine!


 * [It then shows Homer's impaired vision because of only being able to see through two holes. Cars and a truck are trying to avoid Homer. Homer then drives in to a cornfield, then through a baseball match, over a fence and in to a ditch.]

Homer: That had nothing to do with the bucket.


 * [Cut to Homer driving downhill in all-black clothing.]

Homer: Homer, you genius! [laughs]


 * [He jumps out of the car and rolls down the hill, only to roll over a giant rock platform and end up back in the car.]

Homer: Huh? [screams]


 * [The car hits the water.]


 * [Cut to the Simpsons driving Homer to his secret destination.]

Marge: Now, before we get there, you have to put this blindfold on.


 * [Hands him a blindfold.]

'Homer: [gasp] All my other senses are getting sharper! [sniffs] Bart, you had pizza for lunch, [sniffs] Lisa, you're extremely depressed.

Lisa: [laughs uncertainly] As if!


 * [They drive in to an alley, get out of the car and walk in a door.]

Krusty: Hey, Homer, you remember this voice?

Homer: Kathleen Turner? [purrs in a sexy manner]

Krusty: No! It's me, Krusty... [pulls of Homer's blindfold] and you're at the Springfield Friars Club, where tonight, we're roasting you, Homer Simpson!


 * [Everyone applauds.]

Homer: Are the proceeds going to charity?

Krusty: Hell, no!

Homer: Woohoo!

[End scene]


 * [The Springfield Friars Club sign states "Homer Simpson roast tonight", below, "Milhouse roast tomorrow".]

Krusty: We're all here tonight for one reason: to keep Homer away from the buffet!

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs]

Nelson Muntz: Ha ha!

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Homer: [gasp] That was at my expense! What kind of a roast is this?!

Krusty: [ignoring Homer] Now I'd like to read some telegrams from people who couldn't make it. First, we have Mark Spitz.

Lisa: Who's Mark Spitz?

Bart: What's a telegram?

Krusty: Ah, forget it! I gotta get to the Hot Wings before the Comic Book Guy.


 * [Bart and Lisa grins, and Bart puts on half-moon spectacles to read some jokes.]

Bart: You know, Lisa, they say father knows best.

Lisa: That's true, Bart.


 * [Words come up on a screen in front of the podium.]

Lisa: Our father knows the best way to embarrass his kids.

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs]

Nelson: Ha ha!

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Lisa: But seriously, we've had a lot of fun with our dad over the years.


 * [A slide slides down to reveal a video of Bart and Lisa on a front porch. Bart rings the bell. The Wiggums answer.]

Bart and Lisa: ♫ Joy to the world, the Lord is come. Let Earth receive her king. ♫


 * [Homer is behind, stealing all of the Funzos.]

Bart and Lisa: ♫ Let every-- ♫

'Lisa: Season's greetings.

Bart: Peace out.


 * [Bart, Lisa and Homer run to the next house to repeat the actions. Again, Bart rings the bell. Dr. Hibbert and Bernice answer.]

Bart and Lisa: ♫ Silent night. Holy night. ♫


 * [Homer starts screaming and runs past with a dog biting his arm.]

Bart and Lisa: ♫ All is calm. All is bright. ♫


 * [Cut to Homer sleeping on the couch.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.


 * [Walking in the hall.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.


 * [Eating at the dinner table.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.


 * [Sitting, watching TV.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: No.


 * [Homer is showering.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NOOO!!

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NOOOO!!


 * [At night, in bed.]

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NO!

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NO!

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NO!

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: NO! If I take you will you two shut up and quit bugging me?!

Bart: Yeah.

Lisa: Course.

Bart: Well?

Bart and Lisa: Will you take us to Mount Splashmore?

Homer: YES!

Bart and Lisa: Thanks, dad.


 * [Cut to a hotel room, Bart and Lisa are watching TV.]

Bart: Isn't this that cartoon that causes seizures?


 * [After watching the cartoon, Bart's pupils majorly dilate and he falls on the floor and has a seizure.]

Marge: Bart, what are you doing?


 * [Marge watches the screen, her pupils dilate and she has a seizure.]

Lisa: Hey, what the..


 * [Lisa does the same. Homer walks in to find his family on the floor, having seizures.]

Homer: All right.


 * [He falls on the floor and pretends to have a seizure. Cut back to Bart and Lisa at the podium.]

Lisa: A lot of people think our dad's behavior has screwed us up. And it has.


 * [Audience laughs.]

Bart: But it's all worth it, just to hear him sing.


 * [Cut to Homer, shaving.]

'Homer: ♫ Shaving my shoul-ders. I'm gettin' it all shaved off. ♫


 * [Change to Homer, at work.]

Homer: ♫ Max Pow-er. He's the man, whose name you'd love to toooouuch. But you musn't tooooouuchh. His name sounds good in your ear. But when you say it, you mustn't fear, cause his name can be said by anyone. ♫

Mr. Burns: Ah! Max Power!


 * [Cut to Homer with lots of food.]

Homer: ♫ I like pizza. I like bagels. I like hotdogs with mustard and beer. -- ♫

Man: I get the picture.

Homer: ♫ Ooooh! I'll eat a flag. I could even eat a baby deer. [hums to tune] Who's that baby deer on the lawn? ♫

Man: Enough already!


 * [Cut to Homer on a chair, chained up to a light post, outside of Springfield Stadium.]

Homer: ♫ Dancin' away my hunger pains. Moving my feet so my stomach won't hurt. I'm kinda like Jesus, but not in a sacrilegious way.


 * [Cut back to Krusty back at the podium.]

Krusty: And now, our next precarious, Mr. Warmth, himself, C. Montgomery Burns.

Mr. Burns: I stand here to expose the criminal ineptitude in Homer J. Simpson. Again and again, he's brought this down to the brink of inhalation.


 * [Audience laughs.]

Mr. Burns: Why are you laughing? His bungling has shortened your lives, and mutated your children.


 * [Audience laughs again.]

Mr. Burns: Just look at all of this catastrophic nincompoopery.

Carl Carlson: [laughs] Poop.


 * [Flash back to Homer sitting at his work desk.]

Lenny Leonard: [whispers] Get ready, everybody, he's about to do something stupid.


 * [Homer spins around.]

'Homer: [to Lenny and Carl] Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you, gentlemen, but you seem to have me confused with a character in a fictional show. Now, if you'll excuse me, my fondue is just about-- [knocks over fondue on to power board, making it spark] D'oh!


 * [Everyone watching laughs. Cut to the alarm ringing, people running everywhere. A man grabs a fire hose and starts hitting anyone running at him.]

Man: Get out of my way.


 * [Homer runs out of the door, the first to do so. Smithers and Mr. Burns are there.]

Mr. Burns: Ah, here comes one of our fellows now.


 * [Homer places the park bench in front of the closed door and runs to Mr. Burns.]

Homer: I think I won, Mr. Burns.


 * [Cut back to Krusty at the podium.]

Krusty: Now, here's a couple that's been dating.


 * [Agnes Skinner and Grampa Simpson walk on.]

Krusty: Carbon dating! [laughs] Grampa Simpson and Agnes Skinner.


 * [Audience applaud.]

Grampa Simpson: Sweet calino! What's keepin' that dress on?!

Sideshow Mel: The collective will of everyone in this room!

Dr. Hibbert: [laughs]

Nelson: Ha ha!

Mr. Burns: Excellent.

Agnes Skinner: You fruits wouldn't know what to do with me.

Grampa: I first met Homer in 1927, in a bar in Brooklyn. Little did I know, he would soon become Mrs. Joe deMaggio, and-- [falls asleep and snores]


 * [Krusty jumps on screen.]

Krusty: Roll the clips.


 * [Flash back to Homer skiing backwards.]

Homer: Uh-oh. [turns around] Okay, don't panic. Remember what the instructor said.

Instructor: If you ever get in trouble, all you need to do is--

Ned Flanders: Feels like I'm wearing nothing at all! Nothing at all! Nothing at all!

Homer: Ah! Stupid, sexy Flanders! [Homer's legs split apart] Ow, my legs! This is the worst pain ever! [his groin continuously hits bumps in the snow]


 * [Homer goes down a ramp, but jumps off halfway, spins midair and lands flat down in the snow. He stand up.]

Homer: [to ski lift manager] Single.


 * [Change to the Simpson family in a boat, with Homer trailing behind.]

Marge: How's he doing?

Bart: I don't know, I think dad might be a little heavy for para-sailing.


 * [Homer is running along the water.]

Homer: Faster, Marge, faster! The snappy turtles are massing!


 * [Going near the land, the boat turns, but Homer doesn't, knocking many things down, including a volleyball net, squashing a man.]

Homer: Heads up! Woah! Coming through! Look out! Hey, volleyball, can I play later? Hi, Apu!


 * [He smashes through Apu's Taj Mahal sandcastle.]

Apu: Oh, dear! You've ruined my work, you flying, fat man!


 * [Homer runs across barbecues, burning his feet, then sliding in watermelons, cooling his feet down.]

Lisa: Step at it, Mom! Dad's signalling that he wants to go higher!


 * [Homer is drowning in the water, pointing upwards.]

Homer: Higher. [goes higher] Bye bye, fishies. Higher, higheeeeerrrr! I'm soaring. Soaring majestically like a candy wrapper caught in an updraft. Higher, Marge, higher.

Marge: We can't go any.

Homer: Higher, I say. I want to soar higher than any man has every soarn. I want to look down on the clouds with contempt. I want to sneer at God's creation, and spit on his...uh-oh.


 * [Boat's motor is on fire. It breaks the rope, making Homer soar away.]

Bart: There goes my turn.


 * [Cut back to Agnes and Grampa at the podium].

Agnes: Hey, Abe. You want to hook up after the show?

Grampa: Yeah, to a suicide machine!

Agnes: [laughs]

Grampa: Now, everyone knows loves him family. [points to a drunk Homer]

Homer: I'm sick of your lies! Secrets and lies. It's always secrets and lies.

Marge: Homer, these people are professional roasters. Don't give them fodder.


 * [Homer is laying asleep on the table.]

Homer: Secrets and lies.

[End scene]


 * [Back in the same room.]

Krusty: Now, let's welcome Springfield's original God couple, Reverend Lovejoy and Ned Flanders.


 * [Lovejoy is holding a guitar, Flanders is holding a double bass.]

Ned Flanders: Thank you so much. ♫ Camptown ladies sing this song, doo ♫

Reverend Lovejoy: ♫ Dah ♫

Flanders: ♫ Doo ♫

Lovejoy: ♫ Dah. Homer Simpson's breath is strong, all the doo dah-- ♫

'Flanders: Hey hey, now, hold on there. The nice people want to hear the real words.

Lovejoy: But Ned, I was singing the real words.

Flanders: Oh, let's just take it from the top. ♫ Camptown ladies sing this song.. ♫

Flanders and Lovejoy': Doo dah, doo dah. ♫

Lovejoy: ♫ The camptown race track's five miles long. ♫

Flanders: That's better.

Lovejoy: ♫ Homer's breath smells bad. ♫

Flanders: Oh, those are not the words.


 * [A UFO breaks through the roof and Kang and Kodos come out with ray guns.]

Kang or Kodos: Silence.

Kang or Kodos: Cease all quips and comebacks.

Krusty: Look, you weren't in dress rehearsal, so you're not in this show.


 * [Kang or Kodos zaps Krusty. Krusty screams.]

Krusty: This can't be good for my pacemaker.

Marge: What are you doing here?

Kang or Kodos: Our planet has been observing your puny species since your planet was created, 5000 years ago, by God.

Kang or Kodos: And now humanity must be judged. The fate of your planet rests on one human being: Homer Simpson.

Bart: Why him?

Kang or Kodos: Because he is the fat, selfish epitome of modern man.

Moe: Hey, he stole my bit!

Kang or Kodos: Now we shall probe you to see if you are worthy.

Moe: [holds out a homemade probing cap] Word for word!

Kang or Kodos: Okay, let's see what we've got.


 * [Large TV is lowered down and Homer is plugged in. The screen is all fuzzy.]

Kang or Kodos: It has to be on channel 3.


 * [Changes to channel 3.]


 * [Flashback on TV of Homer and Lisa working.]

Homer: Ah yeah, that's a fine lookin'--


 * [Pieces fall out of the box in to the wet concrete.]

Homer: D'oh! Okay, no big deal.


 * [He picks up the materials and puts them in the wheelbarrow with the bricks, but they all fall over in to the concrete. Homer screams.]

Homer: Stupid Lisa! Gotta build fast. [picks up instructions] Okay, let's see. Oooh, English side ruined, [turns over] must use French ins-- "le grille"? What the hell is that?! Oooh, [tries to start building, but fails] come on fit, you.


 * [Some time later, the barbecue is made.]

Homer: Yeah. That's one fine-lookin' barbecue. [removes box to see Homer's failed creation] Why doesn't mine look like that?!


 * [Homer starts going crazy and smashing everything.]

Homer: Why must life be so hard?! Why must I fail in every attempt I make?!


 * [Inside.]

Marge: [to Bart] How's your father's project coming along?

Bart: I think he's almost done. [turns to see Homer still going crazy] Yeah, he's done.


 * [A collection of Homer strangling Bart is shown.]

Homer: Why you little!


 * [Homer is strangling Bart while getting his eyes checked. A woman begins to put different types of glass in the machine to help Homer.]

Woman: Better or worse?

Homer: Worse!

Woman: Better or worse?

Homer: Much...BETTER!!!


 * [One even shows Lisa strangling Bart.]

Homer: Lisa, no! Your hands are too weak. [begins to strangle Bart]


 * [Homer is strangling Bart, but Bart whips Homer on the backside with the cord.]


 * [In another one, Homer is swinging a mace in the air, while running after Bart.]

Homer: I'll mace you good.


 * [Cut back to Kang and Kodos.]

Kang or Kodos: Your species is brutish and primitive. Do you have anything to say before we obliterate your planet?

Lisa: Wait, what about Maggie's memories? Surely the innocent soul of a child will redeem mankind?


 * [Kang and Kodos begin laughing.]

Kang or Kodos: Sure, let's give it a shot.


 * [A "Hello Probie" cap is placed on Maggie's head.]


 * [On screen:]

Homer: Oh, there's my sweet, little Maggie.


 * [Maggie looks at the Flanders and see happiness, and look at Homer and Bart and see gloominess. She begins to walk to the Flanders, but sees Marge, and allows her to pick her up.]

Marge: Oh, Maggie, you're a Simpson again.

Maggie: [takes pacifier off and burps].


 * [Switch to Homer and Maggie coming up the stairs.]

Homer: Now, Maggie, the sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back.


 * [Homer tucks Maggie in and turns the light off.]

Homer: I hope you never say a word.

Maggie: [takes pacifier out] Daddy.


 * [Cut back to Kang and Kodos crying.]

Lisa: It worked, mom. Maggie's memories have showed humanities inner goodness.

Kang or Kodos: These are not tears, we are vomiting from our eyes.

Kang or Kodos: Your baby's trinkle has only intensive high downloading.

Kang or Kodos: Wait, look at the screen. The baby continues to reminisce.


 * [On screen:]

Apu: Woah! ?!

Elton John: That's my name! Well, not really.


 * [Change to .]

Everyone: Steven Hawking?!


 * [Change to .]

Ron Howard: Hi, I'm Ron Howard.


 * [Change to .]

Homer: Billy Baldwin!

Alec Baldwin: I'm Alec Baldwin!


 * [Change to (resembling Xena), Stretch Dude and Clobber Girl, flying.]

Clobber Girl: Wait a minute, Xena can't fly.

Lucy Lawless: I told you, I'm not Xena! I'm Lucy Lawless.

Clobber Girl: Oh.


 * [Change to Bart in his backyard.]

Bart: Wow! Jone Nameth!

Jone Nameth: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.


 * [Change to Party Posse.]

'N Sync: Yo dudes, awesome show.

Milhouse Van Houten: [gasp] It's 'N Sync!


 * ['N Sync dance over to the boys.]

'N Sync: Word!


 * [Cut back to Kang and Kodos.]

Kang or Kodos: This child thinks of nothing but trendy, Hollywood celebrities.

Kang or Kodos: We can learn much from this innocent one. Like Justin Timberlake's home phone number.

Marge: So, I guess you can't destroy Earth, since so many of your favorite celebrities live and work here?

Kang or Kodos: We will not destroy the Earth, on one condition.

Homer: You name it.


 * [Cut to UFO hovering above People's Choice Awards. A chauffeur opens the door. Kang and Kodos walk out.]

Kang or Kodos: I can't believe we're going to the People's Choice Awards!

Kang or Kodos: And tomorrow, the daytime Emmys.


 * [Inside, many celebrities are drinking and chatting.]

Kang or Kodos: Oooh, it's Burt Reynolds and Michael Jeter! Could an evening shade reunion be in the works?

Kang or Kodos: [gasp] There's Shannon Doherty! Didn't you have a thing with her?

Kang or Kodos: Don't go there.


 * [NRBQ start to sing They'll Never Stop the Simpsons as pictures accompany the music.]


 * NRBQ: Ullman shorts, Christmas show,
 * Marge's fling, Homer's bro,
 * Bart in well, Flanders fails,
 * Whacking snakes, Monorail,


 * Mr. Plow, Homer space,
 * Sideshow Bob steps on rakes,
 * Lisa's future, Selma's hubby,
 * Marge not proud, Homer chubby,


 * Homer worries Bart is gay,
 * Poochie, U2, NRA,
 * Hippies, Vegas and Japan
 * Octuplets and Bart's boy band,


 * Marge murmurs, Maude croaks,
 * Lisa Buddhist, Homer tokes,
 * Maggie blows Burns away,
 * What else do I have to say?!


 * They'll never stop The Simpsons!
 * Have no fear, we'll have stories for years, like
 * Marge becomes a robot,
 * Maybe Moe gets a cell phone, has Bart ever owned a bear?


 * Or, how 'bout a crazy wedding?
 * Where something happens and doo doo doo doo doo...
 * Sorry for the clip show.
 * Have no fears we'll have stories for years.

[Credits roll]