Duffless/Quotes

Homer, I want you to encourage Lisa with her science fair project. Yes, syrup is better than jelly.

[yawns] Well, time to go to work. Little do they know, I'm ducking out early to take the Duff Brewery tour. Roll in at nine, punch out at five, that's the plan. Heh-heh-heh. They don't suspect a thing. [camera pans down to Homer's mouth, and back up] Well, off to the plant. Then to the Duff Brewery. Uh-oh. Did I say that or just think it? [panicky] I gotta think of a lie fast! Homer, are you going to the Duff Brewery? GAAAAAAGH! [runs off]

What does the future hold for Duff? [chuckles] Let's just say we've got a few ideas up our sleeve. Like what? Um... I'd rather not get into it right now. Why not? All right. We don't have any ideas for the future. We got nothing. Happy? No.

Now, this is the most important man on the tour. He's in charge of quality control. Fine. Fine. Mouse. Fine. Mouse. Rat. Fine. Syringe. Fine. Nose. Fine. Lemme just say, you're goin' a great job, Phil. [distracted] Hey thanks a lot, that makes it all worthwhile.

Mmm... Gummi Beer. ''[eats gummi. Walks forward at Barney drinking Duff Dark]'' Hey, Barney, I think you've had enough. Are you crazy?! We still haven't tried Raspberry Duff, Lady Duff, Tartar Control Du– Ooowwhh... [collaspes]

Mrs. Simpson, I have some bad news; your husband was found DOA. Oh my God! He's dead?! Oh, wait, I mean DWI. I always get those two mixed up. My name's Mrs. Phillips. You said my husband's DWI? Um... why don't you talk to that officer over there? I'm going out to lunch.

Well, Edna, for a school with no Asian kids, I think we put on a pretty darn good science fair.

I've grown a futuristic tomato by fertilizing it with anabolic steroids. The kind that help our Olympic athletes reach new peaks of excellence? The very same.

Don't worry, Homer. I have a fool proof strategy to get you out of here: surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. I tell you, the judge won't know what hit him!

[singing] W, X, Y, and Z. Now I know my ABCs. Won't you come and play with me? Flawless. We also would have accepted, "tell me what you think of me."

"To overcome the spider's curse, simply quote a Bible verse." Uh... Thou shalt not... Dawoh..! [Homer throws a rock at the spider's head]

Marge, I'm goin' to Moe's. Send the kids to the neighbors, I'm comin' back loaded!

Homie, I'd like you to do something for me. You name it. I want you to give up beer for a month. You got it. No deer for a month. Did you say beer, or deer? [long pause] Deer.

All right, starting tomorrow no beer for a month.
 * [Marge turns off the light and Homer opens a can, audibly]

What was that noise? I was saying, "Psssst, I love you."

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.

Your license is hereby revoked and you are to attend traffic school and two months of Alch-Anon meetings. Your Honor, I'd like that last remark stricken from the record. No.

What have you done with my report? I've hidden it. To find it you'll need to decipher a series of clues, each more fiendish than– Got it. D'oh!

You'll be back! And so will you! And you! And you. Of course I'll be back. If you didn't close I'd never leave.

[echoic from Bart's dream] First prize! First prize! First prize! Why are you saying that? Just screwing with your mind. [laughs and runs off]

[laughs wickedly] What's so funny? Oh, uh... I was just thinking of a joke I saw on Herman's Head. [laughs nervously]

Barney, give me your keys. You're too drunk to drive. I'm fine. Okay, you leave me no option! [punches Barney] Ow! What was that for? I'm trying to knock you out! [tries harder with a tire iron] Ow! Cut it out. [Homer tries slamming Barney's head in the car door] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! [slam] Ow! All right, here, take the keys. [hands Homer the keys]

I want the most intelligent hamster you've got. OK. [reaches into a box of hamsters under the counter and randomly selects one] Uh, this little guy writes mysteries under the name of J. D. McGregor. How can a hamster write mysteries? Well, he gets the ending first, then he writes backward. Aw, c'mon. Look, kid, just take him before his mother eats him, all right?

[writing] I propose to determine the answer to the question: "Is my brother dumber than a hamster?" Hey Lis, look what I can do! [inserts his fist into mouth, but discovers he can't retract it] Mmmph... doggone it.

I'm here for the Alch-Anon meeting. Mm-hm. Third door on your left. [Jasper walks up] Coping with senility? [gruff] No! I'm here for microwave cookery. No, wait. Coping with senility.

Homer, with our help, you'll never touch a beer again. AAAGH! [jumps out the window]

[singing] When I was 17, I drank some very good beer. I drank some very good beer, I purchased with a fake ID. My name was Brian McGee. I stayed up listening to. When I was 17.

Behold gravity in all its glory. ''[pushes a Slinky down an inclined 2-by-4. It goes one step, then it stops]'' Pretty lame, Milhouse.

I don't know if I like you experimenting on your brother. Please, mother, it's purely in the interest of science. That'll learn 'im to bust my tomater.

So Homer, please feel free to tell us anything. There's no judgment here. The other day I was so desperate for a beer I snuck into a football stadium and ate the dirt under the bleachers. I cast thee out!

C'mon, Homer, do it for your old pal Moesy. But Moe, yesterday you called Homer a worthless sack of– Pipe down, rub-a-dub!