Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie/Transcript

[a background full of stars and passing on ...]
 * Voice: Captain's log, stardate 6051.
 * [Starship Enterprise, main deck. Kirk sits on the captain's chair. He and others are middle-aged]
 * Kirk: Had trouble sleeping last night, my Hialeah hernia is acting up. The ship is draughty and damp. I complain, but ... nobody listens.
 * Announcer: Star Trek XII: So Very Tired.
 * [Simpson lounge. Bart, Abe and Lisa watch the film on the couch]
 * Announcer: See the original cast in their latest, greatest adventure. [three familiar star-ships approach to Enterprise ]
 * Sulu: Captain, Kilngons off the starboard bow.
 * Kirk: Again with the Klingons. [pushes a button] Mr. Scott, give me full power.
 * Scotty: It's not good, Captain! I cannot reach the control panel.
 * Grampa: Movies! What a rip-off! I don't have to sit here and take this, I— ''[falls asleep.]

[Marge enters the lounge in her usual Sunday best]
 * Bart: Hubba-hubba! Oh, you kid.

[Homer enters in his causal wear]'
 * Marge: Thank you, dear. Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner.
 * Lisa: What are we gonna have?
 * Homer: Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... Let's see... poison.
 * Lisa: What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad?
 * Bart: Poison pizza!
 * Homer: Oh no, I'm not making two stops. [leaves and closes door]

[Homer and Marge drive above the night sky among utility poles]
 * Homer: Alright, I'll talk to Lisa's teacher this year; you can have Bart's.
 * Marge: That's the way we do it every year.
 * Homer: Alright, tell you what – I'm thinking of a number between one and 50.
 * Marge: Is it 37?
 * Homer: D'oh—! I mean, no.
 * Marge: Homer!
 * Homer: Please, Marge! Please, please, please, please, please!
 * Marge: Oh, all right.
 * Homer: Woo-hoo! [honks horn] USA! USA! USA!

''[Springfield Elementary. A 'blanket' obscuring the sign reads: PARENT/TEACHER NIGHT – "LET'S TAKE THE BLAME". Pans down to Principal Skinner and Willie in his Scottish garments. Homer and Marge enter the school]''
 * Willie: Ach.
 * [a desk titled "LISA." is here. Homer approaches it ...]
 * Homer: Hhhhhahhr– [sits in Lisa's desk, exhales] Oooooweh.

''[Ms. Hoover writes on the chalkboard. Homer looks both directions and lifts his right arm. Two farts and –]''
 * Hoover: Ohh – [looks straight at Homer; the other parents looks at him] Mhhm.
 * Homer: Hee-hee.
 * [closeup of a 'BART' box. Krabappel picks a long bone, pats it and placed onto desk with chains, a slingshot and top section of a skull. She picks up a Krusty stuffed doll; Marge smiles a little. Edna removes head, a scavenger knife is there and Marge feels down]
 * Krabappel: Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative with peas and carrots ... replacing my birth control pills with Tic Tacs.
 * Marge: Well... I'm sorry. I'm sure Bart doesn't really mean to be bad.

''[Simpson lounge. Bart, Lisa and Maggie look at snoozing Grampa]''
 * Bart: [to Lisa] Now is our chance to be bad. Ha-ha-ha.

''[Ms. Hoover's classroom.]''
 * Hoover: Mr. Simpson, I just wanted to tell you that you've done a wonderful job with Lisa. You must have read to her at a young age.
 * Homer: I did. I did read to her.

''[mid-80s. A patch-head Homer and baby Lisa reads TV Guide with Mr. T on the cover]''
 * Homer: "8 o'clock, Happy Days. The Fonz (Henry Winkler) is worried he's losing his cool."

''[present day. Parents surround Homer]''
 * Homer: Well, I've always been a firm believer of the three r's: reading TV Guide – uhm ... [exterior of Springfield Elementary] writing to TV Guide ... and renewing TV Guide.

[Krabappel's classroom.]
 * Krabappel: Now, we don't usually do this, but we have some witnesses. [stands up] Come in, Arthur. [Arthur enters the classroom, down. Edna carries a doll lookalike to him] Now ... where did Bart stick the fireworks? [Arthur slowly points –]
 * Marge: Oh!

[close-up to Grampa's face – his dentures wiggle loose around his mouth]
 * Bart: Over the lips and past the gums, look at dentures, here I come! [fetches teeth, and crunches into his mouth]
 * Lisa: Eeeewwww!
 * Bart: Grrr!
 * Lisa: Ah-ha-ha-ha!
 * Bart: Grrr! [Maggie quickly runs off]

''[Ms. Hoover's classroom. Hoover grabs a bumper sticker from her desk and gives to Homer]''
 * Homer: "My child is on the honour roll at Springfield Elementary". Y'know, I never thought I'd find a replacement for my "Where's the beef?" bumper sticker. [chuckles] Where's the beef?
 * Hoover: Uh, we'd like the desk back, Mr. Simpson.
 * Homer: Huh –? [the desk stuck around his torso] E-ha-ha – oh.

''[Lisa places the needle onto a phonograph record. She looks up and Bart spins around on the ceiling fan with Grampa's teeth in place. On top of the paddle – Bart is about to wiggle loose and –]''
 * Bart: WHOA! [(thump) the teeth didn't move]

''[Krabappel's classroom. Marge mimics Bart's usual punishment ("I WILL TRY TO RAISE A BETTER CHILD")]''
 * Marge: I really don't see how this helps Bart.
 * Krabappel: Just do it.
 * Homer: Busted!
 * Marge: Homer, we have a problem here.
 * Homer: Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect. I won't stand here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa!
 * Marge: We're talking about Bart.
 * Homer: Oh – that guy.
 * Krabappel: I think the problem here is discipline. If Bart does something bad, you should punish him.
 * Marge: Well, we try – but he has this way of making us think we've punished him when actually we've completely caved in.
 * Homer: He's the boy you love to hate.
 * Krabappel: Well, you've got to start being firm with him. I believe with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
 * Homer: Chief Justice of the Supreme Court – what great men he would join: John Marshall ... Charles Evans Hughes ... Warren Burger... Mmm, burger...
 * Marge: And what if we don't?
 * Krabappel: Then there's no telling how low he can sink.

[distorts into a disco ball ...]
 * Announcer: All right, ladies, prepare to be blown away by Bang-Bang Bart!
 * [a grown, lost, malnourished Bart separates the curtains and shooting his way to the women, booed in disgust]
 * Woman: You're fat!
 * Bart: Just more of me to love, honey. [a beer bottle bonks his noggin, drops down still booed by others] Ohhehh ...

[return from reality –]
 * Marge: Oh! My poor baby.

''[closeup to a pile of phonograph records. Bart grabs one, bites, rips and spits a section. Bites a second and the sound of brakes screeching – He spits the teeth, crashes onto the mantelpiece into the floor]''
 * Bart: Uh-oh.
 * [Homer and Marge walk ahead. Bart pulls a drawer and grabs adhesive tape then fixes second half, and tapes both halves together. Homer places the key in the lock ... Bart quickly jams teeth into Grampa's mouth –]
 * Grampa: [mumbles] What? What's that?
 * [Homer and Marge enter, both carrying pizza]
 * Bart: Hi Mom, hi Dad. Home already? Boy, time really flies when you're reading – [examines] the Bible?! Eww.
 * Marge: Well, we brought some pizza.
 * Grampa: Bart and the teeth and the—
 * Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're gonna have to put you in a home. [Grampa rips the sticky teeth out of his mouth]
 * Grampa: You already put me in a home.
 * Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes!
 * Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
 * [kitchen. Homer and Marge place the pizzas, Bart and Lisa enter the kitchen. Then comes Grampa –]
 * Grampa: Look what your bad egg of a son did to my teeth!
 * Homer: Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth", "The nurses are stealing my money", "This thing on my neck is getting bigger".
 * Marge: Now, this is exactly what Bart's teacher was talking about. Our son did something bad and you looked the over way!
 * Homer: But, Marge, look at that hag-dog expression; he's learned his lesson. [pause] Let's get him a present.
 * Marge: Hmm... Please, Homer, why do I always have to be the bad guy?
 * Homer: All right! Young man, since you broke Grampa's teeth, he gets to break yours.
 * Grampa: Oh, this is gonna be sweet.
 * Marge: No, no, no!
 * Grampa: Ohh.
 * Marge: Bart, we're sending you to bed with out your supper.
 * Bart: Yeah right, like you're gonna let me go hungry – I'll be eating that pizza in five minutes.
 * Marge: Bart, stop being confident.
 * Grampa: Dog gone it! [his teeth are on his forehead]
 * Marge: Oh, Grampa. [Marge struggles and removes teeth]

[some time later ...]
 * Bart: I'm starving! Somebody bring me some food, quick!
 * Homer: [runs upstairs] I'm coming, boy!
 * Marge: Homer, get back here! [Homer walks downstairs, miserable]
 * [Bart rummages his closet]
 * Bart: There must be something to eat around here. [Bart turns behind, spots Santa's Little Helper...] Hmm. [] Heh ... heh ... heh – []
 * []
 * []
 * Bart: Gee... maybe they mean it this time. From now on, I guess I better straighten up and fly—
 * Homer: Bart, don't tell your mother, but I brought you some pizza. Just promise me you'll try to be good.
 * Bart: I promise.
 * Homer: Atta-boy. [looks at boy, closes door. Bart eats his pizza, sniggers]
 * Bart: Heh-heh-ha. Sucker!

[Springfield Retirement Castle.]
 * [closeup to a pair of dentures in a glass of water. A leather-gloved hand gets a slight touch of the teeth – A second hand turns on the light, and a cocked gun targets its view. Jasper hold the burglar, Grampa, at gunpoint]
 * Jasper: Well, If it isn't the 'tooth' fairy.

[End of act one.]

[Scratchy appears into a black circle through a green background]
 * Announcer: Coming soon, The Itchy & Scratchy Movie.
 * [Itchy's fingers pokes Scratchy's eyes, bloodshot – shaves from top head straight down to nose – scribbles eyes – flamethrows left side – V sign behind ... A giant single barrel shotgun blows top base, exposes brain. Itchy jumps onto brain, rips off part in celebration. Lisa is watching, gasps]
 * Lisa: BART!
 * [closeup to a microwave with a Bond-like figure inside]
 * Bart: [gently strokes Snowball II] Stick around, Mr. Bond – things are really starting to cook. [pushes button. The figure melts] Bwahahahahahaha!
 * Lisa: Bart, come quick! There's an Itchy & Scratchy movie! [Bart gasps and drop Snowball. Bart runs closer to the TV]
 * Announcer: [Itchy turns on the bucksaw] If you want suspense...
 * [Itchy ]
 * Announcer: –romance...
 * [Itchy introduces Scratchy's new girlfriend (a pile of bombs and dynamite). He girlishly approaches her and the fuses reached the end – BOOM! Scratchy's body gone (expect eyes, hand and leg) with two heart falls to the floor like sheets of paper]
 * Announcer: –you'll find it in The Itchy & Scratchy Movie – coming soon to a theatre near you.
 * Bart: Whoo!
 * Homer: Bart, did take the garbage like I asked?
 * Bart: Indeed, I did.
 * [baa noises are heard, Homer enters the kitchen ...]
 * Homer: D'oh! Hey, you goats, get outta here! [a goat hisses at Homer] Booyyy, you're gonna have to be punished for this.
 * Bart: Dad, you could punish me, but that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it—
 * Homer: Awwoh!
 * Bart: –or, you could let me go with Milhouse while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms. [changes channel. A Mexican in a bumblebee outfit bites another pudding]
 * Bumblebee Man: Ay elistomono ...
 * Homer: Heh-heh. Run along, you little scamp.

[]

[closeup to a mustard packet –]
 * Bart: Jingle bells Jingle bells
 * Homer: BART! Why are you doing that?
 * Bart: I dunno.
 * Homer: Well, this time you must be punished.
 * Bart: Well, you could punish me, but—
 * Homer: No tricks, boy. I said I'm gonna punish and come hell or high water, I— [jingling music is heard] Wait a minute ... [gasps] Ice cream truck! ''[runs off]'
 * []
 * Homer: Me! Me! I was here first!

[later, Bart and Homer sucking their ice creams on the side walk]
 * Homer: Now, what were we talking about, boy?
 * Bart: Uhh ... We were talking about – the time you beat jury duty.
 * Homer: Ohh, yeah. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

[Bart rips the carpet, and Homer slacks off ...]
 * Marge: We're home!
 * Lisa: We got beets!
 * Marge: Bart, are you pulling up the carpet?
 * Bart: Yeah.
 * Marge: Why are you letting him do this?
 * Homer: I dunno.
 * Marge: Well, punish him.
 * Homer: All right! Bart, go to your room.
 * Bart: See ya in the funny pages! [leaves]
 * Marge: How could you let this happen?
 * Homer: How could you let this happen?
 * Marge: I wasn't here.
 * Homer: Oh – how convenient.
 * Marge: Homer, do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
 * Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
 * Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper.
 * Homer: Now, who's being naïve?
 * Marge: Look, you have to help discipline your son.
 * Homer: All right, Marge, I swear to you – the next time he does something bad, I 'll punish him and make it stick.
 * []
 * Brockman: Tonight on Eye on Springfield, we meet a man who's been hiccuping for 45 years.
 * Man: (huc) Kill me.
 * Brockman: But first, we'll examine the growing Itchy & Scratchy mania with their new movie premièring today. []
 * Bart: I got my ticket.
 * Brockman: I'm here live in Korea to give you a first-hand look at how American cartoons are made – but first, let's take a look back at the year 1928, the year where you might seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole.
 * []
 * Brockman: It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon – entitled "That Happy Cat".
 * []
 * Brockman: The film did very poorly – but the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy, and cartoon history was made. Here's their first cartoon together: "Steamboat Itchy".
 * []
 * Itchy: Oh me, oh my!
 * []
 * Brockman: During the war, Itchy and Scratchy put their differences aside, and teamed up to fight a bigger foe.
 * []
 * Brockman: We'll be back with a real-life Itchy and Scratchy – a rabid mouse in Boston who attacked and killed a small cat. [chuckles]
 * []
 * Homer: Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie?
 * Bart: Sounds like something you'd say. [] Hey, where is she?

[]
 * Marge: Oh, my Lord!
 * []
 * Chief Wiggum: Aw, isn't that cute? A baby driving a car! [pause] Oh look, there's a dog driving a bus.
 * []
 * Man: Hey! []
 * []
 * Snake: All right! Time for a crime spree.

[]
 * Homer: All right, boy. This calls for the biggest punishment I've ever handed down, and this time it's gonna stick.
 * Bart: Come on, Homer, this isn't funny.
 * Homer: Damn right. [points to Bart's face] Bart, you can't go to see that Itchy & Scratchy Movie – ever. [Bart gasps; Homer snatches his ticket and rips it to pieces. Bart watches the remains flow to the floor]
 * Bart: Hmmm ... [Snake runs past outside with a VCR; Homer glances at the window]
 * Snake: Oh, no! Beta.

'[End of act two.]

[]
 * Bart: Dad, you gotta let me see that movie. Can't you just give me a spanking? [unzips and shows butt] Come on, go nuts.
 * Homer: Don't point that thing at me. I said you're not going to the movie, and I'm sticking to it.
 * Lisa: Dad, I agree that Bart should be punished, but The Itchy & Scratchy Movie is the defining event of our generation. How would you like it if someone told you that you couldn't watch the moon landing?
 * Homer: Hmm ...

[]
 * Neil Armstong: That's one small step for man ... [a middle-aged Grampa watches] one – giant leap for mankind. [leaks a tear and sniffs]
 * Homer: Yummy yummy yummy, I got love in my tummy and feel like loving you!

''[present. Homer daydreams ...]''
 * Homer: Love is such a sweet thing, good enough to eat thing— [snaps out of it] Sorry, but the punishment stands. [Bart goes down]

[]
 * Man: I REGRET NOTHING! [splashs into river]

[]
 * Homer: Someday you'll thank me for this, son.
 * Bart: Not bloody likely.
 * Homer: No, it's true. You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
 * Bart: Dad, what's the point of this story?
 * Homer: I like stories.
 * Bart: Look, can I please go to the movie?
 * Homer: I know my punishment may seem a little harsh, but I can't go back on it. You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV.
 * Bart: TV sucks.
 * Homer: I know you're upset right now, so I'll pretend you didn't say that.

[]
 * Narrator: The master craftsman can make three mailboxes an hour.
 * Bart: I'm not licked yet! I can entertain myself. No matter how good a movie is, it can't compare to the imagination of a small boy.
 * [a thought bubble appears with Itchy and Scratchy standing around. Both glance for a second. Scratchy checks his pulse. Both shrug. Bart groans in frustration; Lisa enters the lounge wearing a t-shirt, cap and holds a book] How was it?
 * Lisa: It wasn't that great.
 * Bart: Be honest.
 * Lisa: It was the GREATEST MOVIE I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE! And you wouldn't believe the celebrities who did cameos: Dustin Hoffman, Michael Jackson – of course, they didn't use their real names, but you can tell it was them.
 * Bart: Lisa?
 * Lisa: Sorry, Bart.

[closeup of ITCHY AND SCRATCHY: THE MOVIE'' – the novel by Norman Mailer. Zoom out of Bart reading half the book]''
 * Bart: It's just not the same. [closes book, places into rubbish bin, crushing the garbage]
 * Milhouse: I've seen the The Itchy & Scratchy Movie 13 times.
 * Nelson: I've seen it 17 times.
 * Bart: You guys must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now. [Nelson and Milhouse look at each other, sternly]
 * Milhouse: No one who saw the movie would say that!
 * Nelson: Let's get him!
 * Milhouse/Nelson: Nagh!/Waaagh!

''[Homer watches TV with his arms crossed smiling. Marge and Lisa move in ...]''
 * Marge: Homer, we like to talk to you.
 * Homer: But then I won't be watching TV! You can see the blind I'm in.
 * Lisa: Dad, you've gotta let Bart see that movie, I've never seen him like this! He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine.
 * Homer: Don't you think I know that?
 * Marge: Well, it's been two months. You laid down the law and I'm proud of you, but I think we've gotten through to him.
 * Homer: Ah, sweet, soft-hearted Marge. You just can't see the big picture. If I stick to my guns, the boy could wind up Chief Justice of the Supreme Court – if I fail, the best he could do is judge at a Mr. Tight Bums competition. I can't let that happen, I won't let that happen, and I can't let that happen.

[]
 * Bart: One for Itchy & Scratchy. [clerk looks left at photo of Bart with text reads: "DO NOT SELL TO THIS BOY"]
 * Clerk: We promised your dad we wouldn't.
 * Bart: Hmmm ... []

[]
 * Brockman: I'm here at the Springfield Aztec Theater where, after eight months and nine Academy Awards, The Itchy & Scratchy Movie is showing for the last time. Tomorrow, a new movie starring Liza Minnelli and Mickey Rourke will open. Will it be a successful? Only time will tell.

[]
 * Bart: Well, Dad... I guess you won.
 * Homer: No, son, we both won. You don't know it now, but I've started you on the road to somewhere special.

''[40 years later. ]''
 * Bart: Well, I'll be, The Itchy & Scratchy Movie. C'mon, whattya say?
 * Homer: All right... I think you've learned your lesson.
 * [closeup to advert: "FIRST FIFTY CUSTOMERS GET A FREE GLEXNOR". Bart and Homer approach the ticket booth]
 * Bart: One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.
 * Homer: Eh-eh-eh—I'll get it, son.
 * Clerk: That'll be $650.
 * Homer: D'oh!
 * []
 * Man: One Soylent Green, hold the butter.
 * Homer: Mmm, Soylent Green.
 * []
 * They fight, they bite They fight and bite and fight Fight-fight-fight, bite-bite-bite The Itchy & Scratchy Movie
 * [Itchy ties Scratchy tightly on a railroad track. ]
 * Engineer: Get out! [Itchy jumps in again –] GET OUT! [runs to an engineering school – read through ]
 * []
 * Graduates: Yay! []
 * [Itchy enters a Union Pacific, swipes the ENGINEER WANTED sign, and walks out in train overalls. Itchy jumped into into train and toots the horn. Scratchy is almost free from the ropes but –]
 * Scratchy: WAAAAAAAAUGHH!— [train speeds fast forward towards... Scratchy's arms and one leg still untangling ...]
 * Homer: Which one's the mouse?
 * Bart: Itchy!
 * Homer: Itchy's a jerk!
 * Bart: Ha-ha-ha-hah! Yeah.

'[End of "Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie".]