Brother, Can You Spare Two Dimes?/Quotes


 * [It's time for the annual company physicals at Springfield Nuclear Power Plant.]

[looking at readout] This can't be right. This man has 104% body fat!
 * [The tester turns to see Homer eating a chicken drumstick while he's suspended in the buoyancy tank.]

Hey, no eating in the tank! Go to Hell.

How was your day at work, dear? [matter-of-factly] Oh, the usual. Stand in front of this, open that, pull down this, bend over, spread apart that, turn your head that way, cough.


 * [The results from the company physical show that radiation from the nuclear plant has made Homer sterile. To keep him from suing, Mr. Burns concocts a story about Homer getting the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence. All he has to do is sign a form (which is actually a waiver). At Homer's insistence, Burns includes a trophy and a big awards ceremony.]

This show is the biggest farce I ever saw! What about the Emmys? I stand corrected.


 * [Burns introduces Smokin' Joe Frazier, who presents the award.]

And now, the winner of the First Annual Montgomery Burns Award for Outstanding Achievement in the Field of Excellence ... [eyes closed, crossing fingers] Please-please-please-please-please! Dad, you know you won! Don't jinx it!


 * [Meanwhile, Homer's half-brother Herb has been living as a bum since losing his car company. He sees a young mother struggling to understand her baby, and gets the idea of inventing a baby translator to make his fortune back.]

[talking to fellow bums] I'm tellin' you, all a man needs is an idea. And I've got an idea! Then how come you're still a bum? All right, a man needs two things. An idea, and money to get it off the ground.


 * [While the family are in a furniture store shopping for a new couch, Homer tries out a fancy vibrating recliner called the "Spinemelter 2000" and falls in love.]

[still vibrating] I-I-I-I-'l-l-l-l-l t-t-t-a-a-a-k-k-k-e-e-e i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t!!!! [looking at price tag] This chair is two thousand dollars! We could buy a whole living room set for that. Marge, there's an empty spot I've always had inside me. I tried to fill it with family, religion, community service ... but those were dead ends! I think this chair is the answer.


 * [After accidentally going to the Flanders house, Herb rings the Simpsons' doorbell and waits for someone to answer.]

What am I gonna say? This is the guy who ruined me. But on the other hand, he's family. So many conflicting emotions. How to express them?
 * [The door finally opens. It's Homer.]

Herb?
 * [Herb punches Homer in the jaw and walks inside.]

Unky Herb! Bart! Lisa! I'm so glad to see you. [They hug.] [rubbing his head] You weren't so glad to see me. I'm sorry, Homer. But I'm still mad at you. Every word you say just makes me want to punch you in the face! Well, while you're a guest in my home, could you just kick me in the butt? I'll try, but I'm not making any promises.


 * [The Simpsons and Herb sit down to dinner. Bart makes small talk.]

Unky Herb, what advice would you give to a boy who will most likely become a bum like yourself? Discarded pizza boxes are an inexpensive source of cheese.


 * [After borrowing Homer's $2,000 of "Excellence" money and spending hours working with Maggie, Herb is ready to unveil his baby translator prototype.]

Now, I bet you're all wondering what's under this sheet. Not really. We peeked inside while you were in the john. Well, here it is again. My baby translator! [pulls the sheet off] [impressed] Oooooooooo!!! Marge, you don't have to humor me. Well, it's pretty ingrained. What do you think, Homer? Herb, this is the stupidest thing I've ever seen. I can't believe we blew two thousand dollars on it when right now rollers could be kneading my buttocks! Homer, could you stop thinking about your ass? I'll try, but I can't.
 * [Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles. The translator goes into action.]

[via translator] Lavish attention on me and entertain me. [gasps] Maggie! You talked! You see? It tells you exactly what's on the baby's mind. [covering Maggie's eyes] Maggie? Maggie? [via translator] Where did you go? [uncovering Maggie's eyes] Peek-a-boo! [via translator] Oh, there you are. Very amusing. Well, Homer, now what do you think? I don't know, Herb. People are afraid of new things. You should have taken an existing product and put a clock in it or something. Homer, every mother in the country is going to want one of these.
 * [Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth and babbles again.]

[via translator] I have soiled myself. How embarrassing.


 * [At the Baby Convention, Herb's translator is a big hit and sells extremely well, making him his fortune back. Herb pays Homer back the $2,000 he borrowed and gives gifts to Marge and the kids.]

[looking forlorn] Herb, I don't think there's a vibrating chair in that bag for me. Homer, walk me to my car. [They go outside.] What do I get? What do I get? It's not another punch in the face, is it? Because if it is, I don't want it. This is what you get. I forgive you. You can call me "brother", and I can do the same. That's it? That's it. I see your point—brother. Give me a hug—brother. All right, but I've never really hugged a man before.
 * [As the two brothers embrace, a delivery truck from The Seatery pulls into the driveway, behind Homer.]

Homer, I bought you the damn chair.
 * [Now ecstatic, Homer covers Herb with kisses.]