Brake My Wife, Please/Quotes

Well, it looks like Mr. Walrus and his family are enjoying their Sunday brunch. [the crowd laughs] Shut up! What am I, some sort of joke to you people? Now, over here is our newest exhibit "The Wonders of the Gulf Coast". Ooooh! Shut up! It's not that exciting.

Barney, you ever notice how hard it is to drive with your knees? Why don't you get one of those hands-free phones? It's the next best thing to paying attention to the road. [intrigued] Hands-free, eh? Then I could give the brothers the black power salute.
 * [Homer sees Carl, Lou, Dr. Hibbert and Drederick Tatum driving next to him.]

Black power! Black power! Was that ? His exuberance is perplexing.

I am so screwed. I can't drive to work, I can't drive to the store, and I certainly can't drive to the store at work. [sighs] I guess I'll have to do all your driving chores. That's what a good wife does -- picks up the slack. That reminds me, we gotta pick up my slacks at that dry cleaner in Shelbyville. Why can't you use the local dry cleaner? [ashamed] I didn't want them to know my size.

Thanks for picking my friends up from the strip club, Marge. Can we stop for ice cream? Homer always stops for ice cream. We'll see. That always means no.

Where is your mother? I've gotta get to Moe's. Dad, mom's been driving everyone everywhere. Why don't you take public transportation? Public transportation is for jerks and lesbians. I guess I'll walk.

I did it. I walked all the way to Moe's from my house.
 * [The rest of the family is seen outside the house just down the road.]

Way to go, Dad! You know, I feel pretty good. Maybe I should just keep walking instead of going into a dark, dreary bar. Get in here, boozy. You're late for your drunkening. No. From now on, walking is my beer. And feeling good is my hangover.

Calm down, Stresserella! I'm stressed because now that you've lost your license, I'm a full-time family chauffeur! Now now, honey. We all appreciate what you do. But real chauffeurs have uniforms and licenses. You could get in a lot of trouble with the Livery Commission. To hell with the Livery Commission! Marge, you don't know what you're saying!

Psst. Bishop to queen four. We're playing dominoes. [menacingly] I said, "Bishop to queen four." All right, all right.

How could you both miss the bus to school? We touched hands and then we had to wash the cooties off.

I am so sorry, Homie. How is your crushed pelvis? Pretty good. Thanks for asking. I don't know what happened. I saw you and I went for the brake but I hit the accelerator! It's okay, Marge. It would have been a lot worse if I hadn't been carrying this Bible in my crotch.

Marge, you're trying to hurt me! What? That's crazy. No, it's true. The car, the soup... It's like you hate me... your own husband... That's ridiculous. I don't like you. [correcting herself] I mean hate you, hate you, hate you! I hate you! [sadly] I've heard that from co-workers, strangers on the street, even my own children... but I never thought I'd hear it from you.

All right, before you came in, I asked you each to make a list of the people that are most important to you. Homer, you first. There's Homer... Homer J. Simpson... and Commander Cool, aka me. That's us in a nutshell. I care so much about you, Homer, but I'm not even on your list. Excuse me. We've gotta help her. If Marge isn't happy, I'm not happy. And if I'm not happy Moe is very happy. But for once, this isn't about Moe. What should I do, Dr. Hot Dog?

Lousy Homer... I'll show him... tonight his beloved mock apple pie will have real apples.

Tonight, we're here to serve you. Sit back and enjoy the finest foods Springfield has to offer. I brought you me finest catch of the day. We lost a dozen good men. But it's worth it just to see you smile. Oooh! [disappointed by her reaction] That's it, eh? [sighs] Twelve men. Well, I've got some families to inform. Unbelievable. What? Nothing. Just a curse on your very soul