Bart's Comet/Quotes

When I was a little boy I discovered a comet, but the credit was stolen from me. If only I had not told my discovery to Principal Kohutek!

Still no sighting. You get that one, Bart? Hell no. Good.

Look, there's "The Three Wisemen".
 * [Points to a constellation that looks like The Three Stooges]


 * [The kids of Springfield Elementary look out the window at the oncoming comet, clearly visible in the daylight]

Oh no no, this isn't right at all! It must be coming at us at a fantastic speed!

Hey, uh, I got an idea. We can play a game to pass the time. Er, I'll make the sound of a barnyard animal, and, er, you all try to guess what it is. Ahem. [makes some unidentifiable noise] It's a pig! It's a cow, man. It's a pony. No, it's a goat. You know, one of them lady goats. There are no lady goats! A lady goat is a sheep. I believe she's right. You're crazy. Arr, what's it to you? What's it to me?
 * [Everyone starts arguing.]

Stop it! Stop it! Can't you see this barnyard noise guessing game is tearing us apart? Say, Moe, was it a duck?
 * [Everyone argues again.]

Shut up! Shut up! Stop it! Stop it. I can't take this any more. I can't let that brave man out there die alone. I'm surprised and disgusted by all of you, especially his children. I'm going out there! [pause] It was a baby ox.

And now, to top off our most propane-explosion-free science week ever, our grand finale: the launching of a weather balloon! Yay! Go, weather balloon! Hurrah for science, woo! [to himself] "Hurrah for science, woo"? I can't say I approve of the "woo" but the "hurrah" was quite heartening.


 * [Citizens of Springfield cram into Ned Flanders bomb shelter.]

I can't get the door closed. Somebody's going to have to get out. I'd get out but I don't know where I am. Hey! Somebody's touching me. I am. [cheering up] Oh, okay!

Get out of there. My family needs to use your bomb shelter. I kind of figured this might happen, so I built the shelter big enough for both our families. No deal. Out.

So there's a comet. Big deal. It'll burn up in our atmosphere and whatever's left will be no bigger than a chihuahua's head. Wow, dad. Maybe you're right. Of course I'm right. If I'm not, may we all be horribly crushed from above somehow.

Let's go burn down the observatory, so this'll never happen again!

[ominous] Destroy that balloon. Aye. [cocks a shotgun, shoots into the sky]
 * [Two fighter planes fly overhead.]

Tango 14, we're being fired at. I'm getting an exact ID on the bogey now.
 * [Screen shows a silhouette of Willy and "Identify"; screen flashes "Iraqi fighter jet".]

Iraqis again. Launching sidewinder missile. [missile destroys the other plane] Missed him. Launching second sidewinder missile. [missile destroys his own plane] [parachuting] This is what happens when you cut money out of the military and put it into health care! [parachuting] It's a good program! Just give it a chance, that's all I ask. [their parachutes fail; they crash to the ground]

Oh, it won't come down for months. Curse the man who invented helium! Curse.

I'm going to punish you for this, Bart... and it won't just be a simple caning this time. Because you have impeded science, you must now aid science. Yes... starting tomorrow, you will assist me with my amateur astronomy, taking down measurements, carrying equipment, and so forth. 4:30 in the morning. There's a 4:30 in the morning now?

Top of the hour, time for the morning news. But of course, there is no news yet. Everyone's still asleep in their comfy, comfy beds. Good night, everybody.

Welcome, Super Friend. I am called Ham, because I enjoy. This is E-mail, Cosine, Report Card, Database, and Lisa. Your nickname will be Cosmos. [finishing a mouthful of food hurriedly] Well, I'm done eating. Goodbye. Goodbye, Cosmos.

Oh no, no, no, this isn't right at all! It must be coming toward us at a fantastic speed. Huh? Don't you realize what's happening, Bart? Your comet is going to collide with the Earth and every living thing in its path will be killed! I knew you'd try to find something wrong with my comet, Lisa. You've always been petty and small, right from the beginning. We must alert the proper authorities. To the observatory!

Sounds like the doomsday whistle! Ain't been blown for nigh onto three years. Tsk, tsk, tsk... trouble abrewing.

Fellow citizens, when I learned about the impending crisis, I caught the very next plane to Springfeld... field. [everyone claps politely] First of all, yes, there is a comet in the sky, and yes, it is going to hit Springfield. [a couple of people clap] You don't need to applaud that.

It blew up the bridge! We're doomed. It's times like this I wish I were a religious man. [running down the street] It's all over, people! We don't have a prayer!

I've said it before and I'll say it again, democracy simply doesn't work.

I can't believe that extra-thick layer of pollution that I've actually picketed against burned up the comet. But what's really amazing, is that this is exactly what Dad said would happen. Yeah, Dad was right. I know, kids. I'm scared too!