Kiss Kiss Bang Bangalore/Quotes

[he steps off the plane and sees where he is] This isn't India! Where's the University of Notre Dame and the Indy 500 and Wrigley Field and Dodger Dogs?! You ignorant American! You have confused India with Indiana, Indiana with Illinois, and the Cubs with the Dodgers! I took a job on the other side of the world?! [groans as the camera pulls to a satellite's view of India] I hate this subcontinent!

[after being kidnapped] You won't get away with this! People will know I'm missing! There's a liquor store I go to every morning!

[forcing Richard Dean Anderson to write an autograph on her breasts] You can write "help me" all you want! No one will ever see it! [sinister laugh]

[sitting in the back row of the plant's auditorium] I wouldn't sit too close if I were you. It's bad for your eyes. [camera pulls out, revealing a vat of nuclear waste behind Lenny, which glows through his skeleton]

[sweetly] Oh, Marge. I've never been less angry to receive a book. [touched] Aw.

All right, book, I didn't read you and you didn't read me...

[contemplating a mosaic of Hindu gods] Let's see, you got the Elephant Man, Johnny Six Arms, Papa Smurf... You know, maybe I am one of these guys. If only I had some sort of proof. [Opens soda bottle, then looks at cap and gasps] I won a free soda! I AM A GOD!

[finding Selma's XXXL bra during an escape] A-bra, Kada-bra!

]arriving in India] We're worried about Homer. He sent us this weird card.
 * [He shows the card. On the cover, it says "Come celebrate my promotion..." On the next page, it says "...TO GOD!" The camera then shows a hand-written note saying "My cell phone number will be the same."]

[points to two doors] One of these doors leads to Homer Simpson. The other leads to a Bengal tiger. Choose wisely.
 * [Lenny opens one door, which has a tiger; he closes the door. Carl opens the other door, which has a tiger; he closes the door.]

Both these doors have tigers! One of these tigers is named "Homer Simpson".

Ya know Moe, that sign is powered by non-American workers. So? The beer is German and the TV is Japanese. You got anything here made in America? ´(angrily gets out shotgun] This! [cocks the gun, but the back explodes in his face]'' Oh God! Misfire!

MacGyver's back and not just at 2:00 am on the USA Network!

That show was just a paycheck to me, nothing more. Richard Dean Anderson just off the wrong two Richard Dean Anderson fans!

Before we begin the movie, I would like to hold a moment of silence to remember the workers who gave their lives to... Movie! Movie! Movie!

Did somebody mention my names?

I want you to put through another escape. But this time, don't make it so easy! Okay. [hits Richard Dean Anderson's head with a hammer] Is that too much? Not for MacGyver! [hits him with the hammer]

Richard Dean Anderson, of the four "Star" franchises: Wars, Trek, Gate, and Search, "Gate" is easily in my top three! I get that a lot. What in the name of Steve Ditko?!

[after Richard is kidnapped] He's gone! There must be a Stargate in this room! Let us find it! Wait! I have some even more exciting news! I have heard that there is a girl in this room! Let us find her!
 * [The nerds close in on Willie.]

This isn't a dress! It's a kilt! And I'm not a girl! You're the closest we'll ever get!

[dressed as MacGyver] Hey, ladies! Guess who made MacGyver burgers? MacGyver! But we didn't have any ground beef. True. But you did have Slim Jims, a cheese grater, and rubber bands to hold it all together!

So, Mr. Burns, you're saying my dad has gone insane, thinks he's a god, and has sealed himself in the plant, cutting off all touch with the outside world? Sir, I told you Simpson would be a bad choice to run the plant. You know, Smithers, "I told you so" has a brother. His name is, "Shut the hell up"!

You are not a god! I am a god! Then when's mom's birthday? Uh, Janu...Febu...Mar... It's May! Right. May fir...sec...thir...

I've come up with another escape. I want you to tie me up and lock me in the trunk of your car, under the pier at low tide. All I need are these everyday objects — a toothpick, some liquor, a gun with no bullets, bullets, and three of my MacGyver writers. Okay. Maybe we can do it during lunch. [childishly] Now!

[as he's being kidnapped] Watch the face! I need that for acting!

[reading the book] "Fried eggs are as important to business as bacon." [subtitled from Hindi] What's he talking about? [subtitled from Hindi] Fried eggs? I have a degree in physics from M.I.T. [subtitled from Hindi] Maybe if we cheer, he'll let us go back to work!


 * [Burns, Smithers, and the Simpsons arrive at the Indian power plant, with the workers chanting 'mylar balloons']

Should we take our stuff or are we coming back on the same boat? Same boat, but take it anyway. I'm renting the boat to a Dixieland booze cruise.
 * [They disembark as an Indian Dixie Land band gets on the boat.]

The man's a genius! We don't need to be here to help him. You mean you're giving me absolute power!? Sir, doesn't that corrupt? Absolutely...not!

MacGyver, AWAY!

Well, I'm just glad I'm not a god anymore. Let's go home. How's Chief Wiggum? He was gravely wounded in a bank shooting. Yeah, he's funny.

I was playing Carnac with my bodyguard...
 * [Homer removes the turban from his Sikh bodyguard, and places it on his own head. He then places an envelope to his head]

[in Johnny Carson voice] Hin...du
 * [Homer rips open the envelope, blows into it, removes the card inside and reads...]

[in Johnny Carson voice] The moisture that collects on my Hin!