King-Size Homer/Quotes


 * [Smithers raps on the men's room door at the power plant]

Come on, Simpson! Open up, we know you're in there!
 * [No answer; Smithers motions to two goons, who break the door down; the bathroom is apparently empty, but Smithers looks carefully, and points to a stall.]

Hmm... that one.
 * [the goons kick open the stall, revealing Homer standing in the toilet bowl, cowering]

Someone's in here!
 * [Homer starts screaming as the goons drag him out.]

Boy, I never saw a man so desperate to get out of five minutes of calisthenics.


 * [Homer and Lenny are doing pushups next to each other.]

Two! Mmnn, actually Homer that’s just one. See, each pushup includes both an up part and a down part.

Yeah, every muscle in my body is getting a workout, especially my big fat mouth! Yeah! Especially your big fat... oh wait.

Hey, where's Charlie? How'd he get out of this? Uh, he's at home on disability. Yeah, he got injured on the job and they sent him home with pay. It's like a lottery that awards stupidity. Stupidity, eh?

Smithers, what's the name of this gastropod? Homer Simpson, sir. One of your chair moisteners from Sector 7-G.

If you gain 61 pounds they'll let you work at home? Y'uh huh, that's the deal. No more exercise program, no more traffic, no more blood drives or charity walks. Dad, I know we don't do a lot together but helping you gain 61 pounds is something I want to be a part of.

I'm purposely gaining 61 pounds to get on disability! Are you out of your mind? Have you thought about your health? Or your appearance? So that's it, isn't it, Marge? Looks. I never knew you were so shallow. Oh, please. I would love you if you weighed 1000 pounds, but -- Beautiful! Goodnight!

Obesity is really unhealthy, any doctor will tell you that. Oh yeah? Well we'll just see about that little miss smart guy!
 * [cut to Dr. Hibbert's office.]

[gasps] My God, that's monstrous. I've never heard of anything so negligent -- I'll have no part of it! Can you recommend a doctor who will? Yes!
 * [Cut to Dr. Nick Riviera's office]

Hi everybody!

“Now, there are many options available for dangerously underweight individuals like yourself. I recommend a slow, steady gorging process combined with assal horizontology.” Of course. You'll want to focus on the neglected food groups. Such as the Whipped group, the congealed group and the chocotastic. What can I do to speed the whole thing up, doctor? Well, be creative. Instead of making sandwiches with bread, use Pop Tarts. Instead of chewing gum, chew bacon. You could brush your teeth with milkshakes. Hey, did you go to Hollywood Upstairs Medical College too?

And remember, if you’re not sure about something, rub it against a piece of paper. If the paper turns clear, it’s your window to weight gain. [looks through clear sheet of paper] Bye bye, everybody!

Ohh… 225! That means I lost weight! Ahem… Homer, you're, uh, on the towel rack.
 * [Homer moves his stomach. The scale shows 296.]

Woo hoo! Four more pounds and my dream comes true: working at home.

Bad news, Dad. We're out of food. We're even out of the basic elements of food. You ate all the tarragon and you drank all the soy sauce!

All my life I've been an obese man trapped inside a fat man's body.

Arnie Pye in the sky with the morning commute. Traffic this morning is as bad as it gets. Due to a fire at the Army testing lab, a bunch of escaped infected monkeys are roaming the expressway. Despite the sweltering heat, don't unroll your windows, 'cause those monkeys seem confused and irritable. Hee hee hee. I pity those poor suckers on the freeway. Gas break honk. Gas break honk. Honk honk punch. Gas gas gas. [walks to computer] 8:58, first time I've ever been early for work. Except for all those daylight savings days. Lousy farmers.


 * [Shopping at The Vast Waistband.]

Many of our clients find pants confining, so we offer a range of alternatives for the ample gentleman: ponchos, muumuus, capes, jumpsuits, unisheets, muslin body rolls, academic and judicial robes. I don't want to look like a weirdo. I'll just go with the muumuu.

[reading at his computer workstation] To start, press any key. Well where's the any key? I see Esc, Catarl, and PigUp. There doesn't seem to be any any key!

[singing chirpily] Bart and Lisa have to go to school well I get to stay home, na na na na naaa na! I like school. Well why don't you live in it, then? I would if I could. Not me, sister. When I grow up I want to be a lardo on workman's comp, just like Dad.
 * [Bart then imagines himself morbidly obese on a talk show.]

I wash myself with a rag on a stick!
 * [Obese Bart scrubs back and people applaud him. Cut back to reality. Bart is doing motions of washing his backside.]

Woo hoo ha ha! Ugh! Cut it out, Bart! That is disgusting!

Well, give me a Y, give me a… Hey! All I have to type is Y. [to Marge] Hey, Miss Doesn't-find-me-attractive-sexually-anymore, I just tripled my productivity! Good. Good for you.

That's it, thats the one, alright, send him on in. Dad... Yes, honey? Uh... mm... Mom just baked a cake... [runs to kitchen] Huh? Homer, we need to have a serious chat. You dragged me all the way from work for that!

The mail! The mail is here... oooh!

[takes cap out of dryer and puts it on his head] Mmmm... I can feel three types of softness. Dad, what are you doing down there? Washing my fat guy hat, honey.

Ew! Mom, this whole thing is really creepy. Are you sure you won't talk to Dad? Mmm, I'd like to, honey, but I'm not sure how. Your father can be surprisingly sensitive. Remember when I giggled at his Sherlock Holmes hat? He sulked for a week and then closed his detective agency.

Mom, were you ever planning to step in and put a stop to this? Normally your father's crackpot schemes fizzle out as soon as he finds something good on TV. But this season… [shudders]

I must protest! You’re abusing a program intended to help the unfortunate. I’m not saying it isn’t sleazy, honey.


 * [Outside the Simpson residence.]

I heard that guy's ass has it own Congressman!
 * Jimbo and Dolph high-five each other over the crack.

Hey, leave my dad alone. Just because he's overweight doesn't mean he's bad: he's a sweet man and he has real feelings. [inside] Hey, what are you kids looking at? Hey, look he's trying to get up and yell at us! Don't make me close that shade!
 * [Homer pokes window with the broom, then loses interest.]


 * [At Aztec Theatre.]

One for Honk, please. Oh. Gee, uh, just a minute. I have to check with the manager. [to manager, about Homer] That overweight guy wants to see the movie. I'm sorry, sir, but our facilities are not equipped to suit your needs. What are you talking about? Oh what I'm saying sir is that a man of your... carriage wouldn't possibly fit in our seats. I could sit in the aisle! I'm afraid that would violate the fire code. Hey, fatty! I've got a movie for you! 'A Fridge Too Far'!
 * [The crowd laughs.]

Shame on all of you. Give me my dignity! I just came here to see Honk If You're Horny in peace. Sir, if you'd just quiet down, I'd be happy to treat you to a garbage bag full of popcorn. This may surprise you, but you can't buy me off with food. I'm sick of all your stereotypes and cheap jokes! The overweight individuals in this country are just as smart and talented and hard working as everybody else. And they're going to make their voices heard! All they need is a leader.


 * [After leaving his home workstation to go to the movies, Homer comes back, energized.]

I'll prove to them that I'm not lazy and irresponsible!
 * [Looks at the screen, which is beeping urgently, and reads "Core Meltdown Imminent".]

[scared] Marge? Lisa? [reluctantly] Flanders?


 * [Homer's computer is flashing the words "explosion imminent".]

Explosion imminent?
 * [Scrolls back through text, sees gas wasn't vented.]

Oh my god! The plant's gonna explode!
 * [Scene change to the power plant, where Lenny and Carl are walking past the rumbling tank.]

Hey, that thing's going kaka cuckoo. Who cares? It's Homer's problem. Wait, I know. [types] Vent gas. [reads screen] Pressure too high? Tank must be shut down manually?
 * [Homer speaking to drinking bird.]

Oh, stupid bird! I never should have put you in charge!
 * [He briefly yanks it.]

Oh, who am I kidding? This is all my fault! I've gotta call the plant and warn them!
 * [Homer pushes buttons on the phone, gets a special information tone.]

The fingers you have used to dial are too fat. To obtain a special dialing wand, please mash the keypad with your palm... now.
 * [After getting mad at the phone, Homer is about to leave his house to save the nuclear power plant.]

Fat, don't fail me now! [he gets in his car, but the tires get popped] D'oh! [tries to use a skateboard, but it's broken in half] Oh.
 * [Homer is walking down the street, hitchhiking with a sign that says Give me a ride or everybody dies.] 

[a car approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you gotta slow your car down and let me in, because I'm a big fat guy and I can't go anywhere! Because there could be some poison gas, I... I mean there's really going to be poison gas, and everybody's going to be dead, especially me! [the driver takes off] D'oh! [an ice cream truck approaches Homer] Hey, buddy, you got to let me in your car... [frightened] Take anything you want, man! Take it all!

I heard your dad went into a restaurant and ate everything in the restaurant and they had to close the restaurant! Hey, my dad may have gained a little weight, but he's not some food crazed maniac! [as he drives past in Ice Cream Truck, sampling the ice creams] Oh, that's raspberry! Oh, Dad!

''Get away, damn it! Run for your lives! I'll take a rocket pop! What can I get for thirty cents?! Let go! I've got to get to the tank! [the truck crashes and tips on its side, as Homer runs out] [looking at the roof of the ice cream truck after it flipped over] Heck, I can't decide without the pictures.

Raise your left hock. Aerate! Raise your right hock. Aerate! Come on, people. I want to see more Teddy Roosevelts and less Franklin Roosevelts!

[looking at the key to the city, which he has taken back from Homer] These look like teeth marks. I thought there was chocolate inside. Well, why was it wrapped in foil? It was never wrapped in foil.

[referring to famous nuclear disasters] Homer, your bravery and quick thinking have turned a potential into a mere. Bravo! I think it's ironic that Dad saved the day, while a slimmer man would've fallen to his death. And I think it's ironic that, for once, Dad's butt prevented the spread of toxic ga [hastening to interrupt him] Bart! Now Homer, if there is anything else I can do for you, please let me know.
 * [Homer looks at his family and sees how hard his obesity has made life for them.]

Can you make me thin again? I guarantee it.
 * [Nighttime. Mr. Burns and Homer are the only two present at the plant. Homer strains trying to do a situp.]

[through megaphone] One. One! ONE!
 * [Mr. Burns throws megaphone to ground in frustration.]

Bah! I will just pay for the blasted liposuction! Woo hoo!