Homer Simpson in: "Kidney Trouble"/Quotes


 * [Bart looks in a brochure for a ghost town.]

This ghost tow is gonna be great! Now with 30 percent more gun fights! And 40 percent more rootin' tootin'!

It's so sweet of you to take us out like this, Homie! Come on, kids, three cheers for your father! Hip, hip...! Mom, don't. Hip, hip...! We heard you the first time! [angry] Hip, hip...! Hey, I'm tryin' to drive here!

Two hours? Why'd they build this ghost town so far away? Because they discovered gold right over there. It's because they're stupid, that's why. That's why everybody does everything!

Founded by prostitutes in 1849, and serviced by the Prostitute Express riders who could bring in a fresh prostitute from St. Joe in three days, Bloodbath Gulch quickly became known as the place where a trailhand could spend a month's pay in three minutes. [impressed] Three minutes? [he whistles appreciatively] I never realized history was so filthy! First on our tour is the whorehouse, then we'll visit the cathouse, the brothel, the bordello, and, finally, the old mission. Oh, thank Heaven! Lots of prostitutes in there!

Hey, robot! get your metal ass down here! [walks down to Homer] First of all, I'm not a robot. And second, I got this metal ass in 'Nam, defending this country for lazy jerks like you.

Can't get a good sasparilla like this back in Springfield. It angries up the blood. Heh, you like it, huh? Up yours!

Can I go to the bathroom before we leave? But we gotta get home. I don't want to miss Inside the Actor's Studio. Tonight is. But I really need to- [stern] F. Murray Abraham!


 * [Doctor Hibbert looks at Grampa's X-rays]

Oh, dear God! This man's kidneys have exploded! There's nothing left! Oh, no! Yeah, that's what happens when you get older. It's one of those natural things. Beautiful, in it's way. Uh, actually, his kidneys were fine yesterday when he had his annual checkup. Excuse me, Doctor, I think I know a little something about medicine.

I don't feel so good. Maybe I oughta eat something. Oh, I'm afraid your eating days are over.

How long do I have to live, Doc? [laughs] I'm amazed your alive now.

I'm the luckiest man in the world... now that 's dead.

It's not an operation, Moe. The doctor said it's just a procedure. No, no, no. Makin' polenta, that's a procedure. You're talking about deadly, life-thretening surgery here.

Listen, I'm just gonna to get right to the point here. Can I have your buttocks, I mean, if you die? They look pretty comfortable. Yeah, I guess. And, uh, are those your original lips? Well, actually, I - Hey! Quit harvesting me with your eyes!

I'll do it! But if I die during the operation, will you do one thing for me? Oh, anything sweetheart! Blow up the hospital. Hrmmmm. Well, I said I'd do it, so I guess I'll have to.

Am I dead yet? No. How 'bout now? No. Now? I'll tell you when you're dead Grampa. Thank you.

The sea forgives all! Not like those mean old mountains. I hate them so much!


 * [Homer hangs onto the side of a tramp steamer.]

I'd like to apply for a job. Any job. If you don't have a captain, I can be that. Yar, what other ships have ye been on?
 * [Homer points to a store shaped like a ship.]

I've been on that one. The taffy shop. Arr, good enough.

Welcome aboard the ship of... [dramatic] lost souls. The name on the back says "Honeybunch". Yar, I've been meaning to paint over that.


 * [In Grampa's hospital room, Marge turns to Reverend Lovejoy.]

Aren't you going to give him the last rites? That's Catholic, Marge. You might as well ask me to do a voodoo dance.

Dr. Hibbert, I thought you located another kidney for Grampa. took it! He's got five of them now. And three hearts. We didn't want to give them to him, but he overpowered us.

While we were setting your broken bones and putting your blood back in, we helped ourselves to a kidney and gave it to your father.

[to Jasper after Homer's car breaks down in front of Springfield Retirement Castle] Ah! They remembered my birthday! [stands up and walks like a zombie toward them] [starting the car] Come on! Start damn you! Start! [singing] Happy birthday to me. Happy Birthday to me. [leans at the window Homer screams trying to start the car]