Kearney Zzyzwicz

Kearney Zzyzwicz is one of the school bullies of Springfield Elementary. He appears to be the ugliest and toughest of the bullies, and is very easily distracted.

Biography
He has a father named Kearney, Sr., a mother, Mrs. Zzyzwicz, whose forename is not revealed. Although he looks (and sounds) to be around Jimbo or Dolph's age, Kearney has a young son named Kearney, Jr. (it is not known who the mother is), he is the only present Springfield Elementary School student that celebrated the United States Bicentennial (that is, was alive in 1976) and shaves his beard. Strangely, he once needed a fake ID to purchase beer.

Kearney drives a Hyundai Stellar. Skinner tried to take off the H to replace the 'H' logo stolen from Superintendent Chalmers' Honda Accord. Kearney catches him in the act, forcing Skinner to flee. Kearney is also seen driving an orange Volkswagen Beetle. Kearney is seen smoking in the room where Bart, Nelson, Jimbo, and Dolph are trapped in, during Superintendent Chalmers's visit.

Otto once stated that he and Kearney both went to Springfield Elementary School together, only for Kearney to reply that they are unable to teach him, which is his reason for why he is still in the school despite being 23. Kearney needs glasses but doesn't use them.

Son
Kearney's son looks exactly like him, though younger and sounding like Ralph Wiggum. He was able to overcome his parents' divorce by sleeping in a drawer at night. He is likely far smarter than his father, Kearney, based on the fact that he knew immediately that Gil, dressed up as Santa Claus, was a fake. Kearney says that he is speaking "as a teenager and parent of a teenager", although Kearney Jr. seems to be a young child. Possibly Kearney has some other child that he was talking about.

Wife
Kearney has been married to an unnamed (and unmentioned) wife. The only details given though were that he had to divorce with her, because Kearney didn't want his parents to find out. Kearney has said that he misses having sex with her, though it also mentioned in one episode that Kearney dated Jimbo's mother.

Father
Kearney Sr. is Kearney's gruff, rarely-seen father who looks almost identical to his son, similar to Milhouse and Homer (who greatly resemble younger versions and older versions of their fathers). One time, Kearney Sr. attacked Homer in Moe's Tavern after Homer tried to get him and the other fathers to stop their sons from bullying Bart. He hit Homer in the head with a pool stick. The bullying fathers then were forced to leave at gunpoint by Moe, who told them that they could not hit Homer unless they had bought at least two drinks.

Mother
Kearney's mother is not seen but is said to suffer from clinical depression, for which she is being treated with medication. Kearney's points to the medication as the primary reason behind her recent weight gain. She is either in a mental clinic or jail.

Non-canon
It was revealed that Kearney, Jimbo, and Dolph were all originally bullied by nerds. Bart then taught them that nerds are "all talk and no action" and they learned to "stand up" for themselves. Bart was later caught in the crossfire when his own creation backfired and Kearney, Jimbo, and Dolph begin taking revenge by torturing the nerds.

Future
Kearney becomes the Vice-Principal of Springfield Elementary (the principal is still Seymour Skinner), however none of his bullying traits are seen. He will also be Lisa's bodyguard when she becomes the USA president, saying his contract gives him three people to kill in each term.

The Simpsons Game
Kearney appears as one of the three museum thieves whom Bart and Homer must defeat. He also appears as one of the contestants in the Duff Ultimate Eating Challenge.

Behind the Laughter
Kearney was created from "Kearney Street" in Portland, Oregon, where Matt Groening grew up.

Trivia

 * He also owns his own tuxedo, although he isn't seen wearing it.
 * Kearney needs to wear glasses.
 * He may have Polish ancestry, due to his surname "Zzyzwicz".
 * In early comics, he was named "Kearny".
 * In The Simpsons: Tapped Out, Luann Van Houten's dialogue implies that she and Kearney had dated, though it's unknown whether this statement is canonical.
 * Though most likely non-canon, Kearney may have a thing for Miss Hoover as he was once seen giving her a valentine's day card (though she seemed less than impressed).