Homer the Moe/Quotes

Where's Bart? His Mountain Dew's getting flat. [looking out the window] That's odd. He's outside, digging. Probably digging for drugs. There's no drugs out there! No. [suspiciously] Of course not.

Bart, this is Dr. Kaufman. He's a special kind of talking doctor. Call me Bob. Well, that's quite a hole you're digging. Thanks, Bob. A-heh. You know, a hole's a great place to hide when people are fighting. Are there angry people in your house? My dad's always yelling that whitey's keeping him down. [writing notes] I see...


 * [Moe interupts Homer's story about Bart digging.]

That is the stupidest story I ever heard, and I've read the entire  series.

Geez, Moe, you've been a real crank lately.
 * [Moe pulls a shotgun from behind the bar, cocks it, and points it at Homer.]

You take that back!


 * [Bartender Homer takes a prank call.]

[phone rings] Yello? [on phone] Um, yeah, I'd like to speak to a Mr. Tabooger. First name Ollie. Ooo, Bart! My first prank call! What do I do? Just ask if anyone knows Ollie Tabooger. I don't get it. Yell out, 'I'll eat a booger.' "What's the gag?" Oh, forget it!
 * [Bart hangs up in frustration.]


 * [Homer's impromptu street song.]
 * I'm a walking down the street,
 * Gonna open Moe's bar,
 * I'm a-singin' what I'm thinkin',
 * Hey, look at that dog!


 * [Moe's new tavern, 'M,' is open.]

I don't get all this eyeball stuff. [referring to giant close-ups of eyes on video screens] What are they supposed to represent? Eyeballs? It's 'Po-Mo!'
 * [Homer, Barney, Lenny and Carl stare at him blankly.]

Post-Modern?
 * [They continue to stare blankly.]

Yeah, all right. 'Weird for the sake of weird.' Ohh!


 * [Sung to the tune of 's ""]

I won't drink at Moe's. Homer's old garage is all I need!
 * I won't drink at Moe's...

...'cause Moe's a big jerk, and a she-male, too!


 * [Homer's version of R.E.M.'s It's the End of the World As We Know It (And I Feel Fine)]
 * Leonid What's-his-name,
 * Herman Munster, Motorcade,
 * Birthday party, Cheetos,
 * Pogo-sticks and lemonade,
 * Symbiotic stupid jerks,
 * That's right Flanders,
 * I'm talkin' about you!

Turkeys... the only animal smarter than man.

I'm sorry I shot you, Moe. Aw, that's okay. It's like my dad always said, 'Eventually, everybody gets shot.'