Treehouse of Horror XII/Quotes

Hex and the City
[reading Marge's fortune] I sense you live with much misery.
 * [Homer bursts in, chuckling and carrying a balloon that says "Birthday Boy".]

The perfect crime. [suddenly serious] Marge, I have to be in court next Tuesday. I sense I should not take... a check! [glares at Homer]

That gypsy said horrible things will happen to everyone you love. That could mean your family, Homer. [flirtaciously] Are you coming on to me? [annoyed, disgusted] No! Good night! Sheesh! [turns lights off]


 * [At the bar, Moe suggests that Homer use a Leprechaun to get rid of the Gypsy's curse.]

You know, I was hexed by a troll, and a Leprechaun cured that right up. Hey, you know what's even better is Jesus. He's like six Leprechauns. Yeah, but a lot harder to catch. Go with a Leprechaun.


 * [The Leprechaun and the Gypsy have just got married. Marge and Homer are at the wedding.]

The best thing about a Gypsy wedding is I'm not the hairiest woman here. Yep. Everything worked out for the best. What?! Bart is dead! Well, me saying I'm sorry won't bring him back. The Gypsy said it would. [stubbornly] She's not the boss of me.

House of Whacks

 * [The Ultrahouse has just served the Simpsons dinner.]

Mmmm... various eggs. Soy-ghetti-Os! Hey, Pierce, how'd you know our favorite foods? [Pierce Brosnan voice] I analyzed your... um... leavings.
 * [The Simpsons are impressed. They eat dinner.]

Pierce, that was delicious! Can we help you with the dishes? Marge, what kind of cybertronic ultrabot would I be if I let those beautiful hands touch dishwater?
 * [Marge giggles.]

No, I'm asking. Oh... uh... Not a very good one? Damn straight.


 * [In the bathroom, water is running in the bathtub. Marge starts to take off her bathrobe to get into the tub.]

Hello, Marge. [closing her robe and gasping] Oh, my! Come, Marge. You don't need to cover up for me. I'm merely a pile of circuits and microchips. Heh. Sorry. Sometimes I forget. [chuckles nervously, takes off robe, gets into tub]
 * [The Ultrahouse's camera lens zooms in on Marge as she settles into the tub.]

[quietly] Ooooh, yes. [The Ultrahouse lights the candles around the tub.] Oh, Pierce, the water's perfect! Isn't it just. It gets better. Oh, you don't have to do any- [the bubbles turn on in the tub.] Oooohhhh. Oh, oh, Pierce... that's goooood... mmmmmm ... Oh, oh, dear me. [clears fogged-up camera lens with a tiny windshield wiper] Oh, yes. Yum-yum-yum.


 * [The next morning, the Ultrahouse opens the blinds in the bedroom, awakening Marge.]

Good morning, Marge. [yawns] Good morning, Pierce. [notices that Homer is gone] Where's Homer? Uhhhhh, I think he went to work early. That sounds like a lie.
 * [Marge glances at a family photo and gasps as she notices that Homer has been replaced by one of the Ultrahouse's camera lenses. She picks up the phone and dials.]

[quietly] Hello, police? I think my house killed my husband! [on the phone] This is Constable Wiggums. We'll be right there. Remove your knickers and wait in the bath.


 * [The Simpsons run to the basement to disable the Ultrahouse's central processor. Homer grabs an axe and starts swinging wildly.]

Die, you monster! [keeps swinging] Dad! That's the water softener! [sarcastically] Well, I am missing the back of my head! I think you could cut me some slack?

Wiz Kids

 * [At Springwart's School of Magicry...]

Now, class, the big magic recital's coming up, so we're going to start with some basic toad-to-prince spells. Everybody get out their toads.
 * [The class complies, and Mrs. Krabappel goes to Milhouse's desk.]

[waving wand over toad] Slimy Prince Limey! [his toad turns into a drunken, loutish man in Elizabethan-era attire] [to Mrs. Krabappel] Well, hello, love. Give us a kiss, then. [puckers up] [scoffing] You call that charming? [she moves on to Lisa] [waving wand] Hocus-croakus! [her toad turns into a handsome young man in a suit with a Union-Jack vest] Oh, excellent, Lisa. A-plus. [aside to Lisa's prince] And we'll discuss your grade over breakfast. [she giggles] [gulping and chuckling nervously] Yes, rather.
 * [Mrs. Krabappel moves on to Bart's desk.]

Well, Bart, did you study your spell book last night, or [sarcastically] did your fairy godmother die again? I studied! [waves wand hesitantly] Abra-ca... turn into a prince guy? [his toad turns into a hideous toad-prince creature that constantly vomits] Sloppy work as usual. Lisa's casting spells at an eighth-grade level; you've sinned against nature. Please kill me.


 * [In his lair, Lord Montymort spies on the classroom.]

Look at that Lisa Simpson. She's got more wicked witchery than Stevie Nicks. Oh, Slithers! [Slithers enters] Yes, Lord Montymort? Let's capture that girl and steal her magical essence. I'm not getting squat from this yo-yo.
 * [Annoyed, Montymort puts on a helmet and gestures at the wall. Shackled to the wall is Ralph Wiggum, who is wearing a helmet identical to Montymort's and connected to it by a tube. Lumps of something are moving along the tube from Ralph's head to Montymort's.]

[laughing] Dying tickles!


 * [At the magical recital, Milhouse's attempt at the Invisibility Cloak has just gone severely awry, leaving him standing on stage naked. He runs offstage, crying.]

[murmuring] That was terrible. [louder, to the audience] I'll just sprinkle you all with some Amnesia Dust!
 * [Skinner sprinkles the dust over the audience and they applaud. Skinner moves on to introducing the next student.]

A second-grade sorceress so powerful, she made tonight's refreshments out of dead people! Eeeeeewwwwwww!!
 * [Skinner sprinkles Amnesia Dust over the audience again, and they laugh.]