Homer Badman/Quotes

Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do. It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.

[at the candy convention] Ooh! I feel like a kid in some kind of a store.

Can I come to the candy show, huh, huh? Can I, can I? Huh, huh, huh? Can I? Can I? No, me! Take me, me, me, me, me, me! Take me, me! Sorry, kids, but this is the one event I want my darling wife by my side. Oh, well thank you, Homer, but take one of the kids. Marge, they can't carry enough candy! They have puny little muscles, not big ropy ones like you. Mmm… You go, Mom, for the greater good. For the greater good.

[to Homer] Hey. Hey! Hey! I have asked you nicely not to mangle my merchandise. You leave me no choice but to…ask you nicely again.

I can't say titmouse without giggling like a schoolgirl. [starts giggling like a schoolgirl] Hee hee hee hee hee hee hee.

Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea. It's not going to happen! Not with that attitude.

You grabbed me in the car! Oh that, no. I was just grabbing a gummy Venus De Milo that got stuck to your pants. Yeah, right. That's the oldest excuse in the book.

Two, four, six, eight, Homer's crime was very great! "Great" meaning large or immense, we use it in the pejorative sense!


 * [to protesters]

You people can't be in here! It's ok, they're with me.

Ooh, Gummi bears! Gummi calves' heads! Gummi jaw breakers!
 * [sees a Gummi figure rotating on a red pillow in a glass case]

[lustily] Ohh...What's that? That is the rarest Gummi of them all, the Gummi Venus de Milo, carved by Gummi artisans who work exclusively in the medium of Gummi. Will you two stop saying "Gummi" so much?

[on TV] Simpson scandal update - Homer sleeps nude in an oxygen tank which he believes gives him sexual powers. Hey, that's a half-truth!

Yes, I am interested in long distance savings. Very interested!


 * [Homer flips through channels, but all of them are making jokes about him. He turns to Channel Ocho]

Ay yi yi! Es Homer Simpson! Me ha molestado! [talking to himself] Oh, I like it better when they're making fun of people who aren't me. Oh, I know! Evening at the Improv! They never talk about anything past the 1980s!
 * [Homer selects that TV show. Comedian is shown]

OK, so let us say Mr. T and E.T. had a baby. They could call it: Mr. E.T! And it could say something like this... [impersonating Mr. T] I pity the fool that don't... [impersonating E.T.] ...phone home!
 * [Audience laughs, as does Homer, who is now cheered up]

[talking to himself] He he he! Boy, I sure would not want to be Mr. T right now!


 * [In an edited version of his interview with Godfrey Jones, the splices can be told because the clock in the background keeps changing times.]

Somebody had to take the babysitter home, then I noticed she was sitting on / her / sweet can... / so I grabbed / her / sweet can... / Ohhhh, just thinking about / her / can... / I just wish I had / her / sweet, sweet / s/s/sweet can... So, Mr. Simpson, you admit you grabbed her can. What do you have to say in your defense? [we see a still video shot of Homer looking lustful] Mr. Simpson, your silence will only incriminate you further! [the frozen image of Homer begins to slowly zoom in] No, Mr. Simpson, don't take your anger out on me! Get back! Get back! M-Mr. Simpson! NOOOO!
 * [freeze frames on the screaming Godfrey]

Dramatization may not have happened.

There are only 49 stars on that flag. I'll be deep in the cold cold ground before I recognize Missour-ah!

Why would anyone want to touch a girl's butt? That's where cooties come from!

Aw, damn FDA! Why can't it all be marshmallows? Ew! Bart, don't put the non-marshmallow pieces back in the box. They go in the trash!

[when the doorbell rings] Oh, that's the babysitter. No one in town will sit for you two any more. I had to choose between a grad student at the university and a scary-looking hobo. [goes to answer door] Please the hobo, please the hobo, please the hobo.. [opens it] Hi, I'm Ashley Grant. [groans] Oh... [gasps] Ashley Grant! You gave a talk on women's issues at my school on how we don't have to be second-class citizens. Mom! How can you leave us with this maniac? Hurry, Marge! If we get there early we can get our pictures taken with the two surviving Musketeers! [drags here] There's also a baby somewhere upstairs...ooh! [leaves]

[to Ashley] So, you're one of those "Don't call me a chick" chicks, huh? Ehh, sorry about my unenlightened brother. He will make the next few hours a living hell. Oh, I don't know. See this, Bart? [dangles a "Disembowler IV" video game cartridge] "Disembowler IV": the game where condemned criminals dig at each other with rusty hooks. Mm hmm. Do a little housework and you can play for 5 minutes. No way. [turns away, but has to turn back] Argh! Yes, 'm. See, Lisa? Males aren't hard to tame. They all follow their video cartridges.

Hey kids! Lots of candy left for breakfast.
 * [Bart and Lisa groan.]

Why don't we give it to some needy children then?
 * [Bart and Lisa groan again, lie on candy, eat it slowly.]

Dad, I don't understand. What is she saying you did? Well, Lisa, remember that postcard Grampa sent us from Florida of that alligator biting that woman's bottom? Oh, yeah, that was brilliant ! That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong: that alligator was sexually harassing the woman. And the dog in the Coppertone ad? Same deal, Dad? Well, there's kind of a grey area.

Look, maybe this whole thing will blow over.
 * [Helicopters swoop over the house; news vans pull up.]

It didn't blow over, Marge. Nothing ever blows over for me.

Today on "Ben": mothers and runaway daughters reunited by their hatred of Homer Simpson. And here's your host, Gentle Ben.
 * [A bear wearing a helmet with a microphone runs out.]

I just have one thing to say: let's have less Homer Simpson and more money for public schools.
 * [Audience applauses; Ben growls.]

Ben, I have a question --
 * [Ben runs over to the tables filled with food.]

No, Ben, no!
 * [Ben swats him away; men shoot tranquilizers into him.]

Sorry, Dad, we do believe in you, we really do. It's just hard not to listen to TV: it's spent so much more time raising us than you have. Oh, maybe TV is right. TV's always right! [walks upstairs]
 * [Bart and Lisa hug the TV.]

[from upstairs] Are you hugging the TV?! No... [they kiss it]

Homer! Homer, the kids have a great idea how you can clear your name. The media's making a monster out of you because they don't care about the truth! All they care about is entertainment. Well, you need a forum where they don't even know the meaning of the word "entertainment": public access television. Aw, but those shows all look so crummy. Well we could dress it up a bit... we can bring a fern, and a folding chair from the garage, and the most decorative thing of all: the truth!

And now it's time for the Innocence Report with Homer Simpson. [holds sign: "Innocence Report"] Hello. I am Homer Simpson, or as some of you wags have dubbed me, Father Goose. You know, everybody believed the worst about me right away; nobody cares that I didn't do it. But I didn't! OK, look: I've done some bad things in my life, but harassing women is not one of them. [softly] Like one time, we were having this race with the stupid old tiny bicycle with the big wheel in front, so I figure, "We'll see about that!" So I get this big chunk of cinderblock, and... [Marge makes a choking noise] Oh, gotta go. [walks off; pops head back on] Innocent!

[stirring a bowl] Aw, Marge, this is so depressing, my only hope is this homemade Prozac. [tastes it] Mmm, needs more ice cream.

Homer, that's your solution to everything. To move under the sea. It's not going to happen! Not with that attitude.

Hmm. Homer, I thought you were an animal, but your daughter said you were a decent man. I guess she was right. You're both right.