Yokel Chords/Quotes

I overslept! The family can't start the day without me! Relax, baby. While you were dreaming of me and calling me "James," I took care of everything. [relieved] Homie, you woke up early? Eh, stumbled home at dawn, same diff.

Simpson, I know you're behind this. Well, you are gonna get some counseling from our school psychologist. [terrified] Dark Stanley's gonna eat my brains! Or from a qualified professional.

I'll bring those wee ones back -- dead or alive! Not dead! Aw, ya never let Willie be Willie.

We home-school 'em. I teach the big ones and the big ones teach the little ones. But no one ever taught me, which makes the whole thing just an exercise in futility.

Sir, if we let these hill folk into our school, our test scores would drop so low, we'd lose all federal funding. I see. And we've already lost state, county and local funding. Plus our last bake sale was a disaster. People took bites without buying the cookies. Yes, we're not very good at anything.

Lisa, would you consider tutoring Cletus' children? You'll be happy, they'll be happy, and I can go home and enjoy some delicious fondue. Made with the fondue set I bought you for Christmas? No.

Why do I have to go to a stupid psychiatrist? I told a scary story, big deal. Look boy, nobody knows better than me that you're a lost cause. But the school's paying for five sessions and there's a Chinese restaurant next door where I can get drunk.

Bart, my name is Doctor Swanson... Stop right there, Doc. This school has sent me to more therapists than you've had bad dates. I've looked at the ink blots, I've played with the puppets, the whole racket's a hat fulla crap.

[reading back Bart's "sad-lib"] The county fair is always sucky to visit on a hot summer fart. You can eat delicious cotton hate. And ride the Ferris burp and the merry-go-booger. [laughing] You can't make that stuff up! What's this tell you, Bart? That this is one terrible county fair. And...? [suddenly sad] And... My Dad never takes me on the merry-go-booger. He's always passed out in the parking snot.

That's right. I want to hire your entire Appalachian dumpling gang, and I'll pay them the most anyone on TV is entitled to get: scale! Now I don't sign nothin' without pretendin' to read it first. [looks over contract] Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger, hamburger... looks good.

...And I wasn't planned, so when I came, my parents had to get married. And they were too young and not ready for a kid to screw up their lives. Maybe... I act out because... if my parents are mad at me, they can't fight with each other! And maybe that's why you do things like scare your classmates with Dark Stanley? Yeah, that and "Stanley" was the brand of hammer my dad used to hit me with.

Brandine! You're supposed to be in Iraq, stopping 9-11! Did ya get the body armor I sent ya? [sheepish] Sold it for smokes.

Cletus, we're goin' home. How much money do we have left? Uh, I owe Krusty twelve thousand dollars. We can live on that.