Two Bad Neighbors/Quotes

Marge, I'm bored. Why don't you read something? Because I'm trying to reduce my boredom. Well you could hand out these flyers for the neighborhood rummage sale? You get some fresh air and exercise! Ehh, I'll do it anyway. [grabs Bart] Come on, boy, we're going to see the neighbors!

Good old Evergreen Terrace: the swankiest street in the classiest part of Pressboard Estates. Well if you love it so much, why are you always littering? [finishing a canned drink] It's easier, duh. [litters]

Howdy, neighbors! May I spray you with the hose in a playful fashion? Uh... spray the boy. [Apu sprays Bart]

Hey! I never noticed this place. Dad, it's right across the street from us! That fancy house'll never sell. Nobody who could afford it would want to live in this neighborhood. Hey, what's wrong with this neighborhood? [at the house] Big shot! Too good to buy a house here, snobby? Who are you talking to, Homer? The guy who doesn't live there.

Can we get rid of this Ayatollah T-shirt? Khomeini died years ago. But, Marge! It works on any Ayatollah: Ayatollah Nakhbadeh, Ayatollah Zahedi... even as we speak, Ayatollah Razmada and his cadre of fanatics are consolidating their power. I don't care who's consolidating their power. [holds up something else] Well, we don't need this. [sputters] Marge! That's the Rhinestone Nights Fashion Gun. I need it to rhinestone up my old clothing. [holds up a jacket] [reading the jacket] Who's "Disco Stu"? Oh, er, I wanted to write "Disco Stud" but I ran out of space.

Well sir, looks like we've got us some nice items at table Glick! Like this... what the heck-a-roonie is this, Mrs. Glick? It's a candy dish, Ned. 90 dollars! Uh-huh... well.. I.. uh... I guess you could put a lot of nice things in there! No! Just candy, Ned. 90 dollars!

Are you interesting in that motorized tie rack, Principal Skinner? [turns it on] Hmm. It's awfully loud. Well, you can always take the motor out and use it as an ordinary tie rack. [does so] [scoffs] But now the ties are motionless, and those in back are virtually inaccessible. Well, it's a moot point, as I have only one tie to begin with. I believe I'll pass. [walks off] [pops head back] Have you sold that tie rack yet? No. I'll take it.

Now, folks, nothing spells "fun" like rhinestones on a dungaree jacket! [holds up "Disco Stu" jacket] Stu! You should buy that! Hey! Disco Stu doesn't advertise.

[singing] Hey, big spender, dig this blender! Rainbow suspenders—hey, big spender! We surrender! [singing] Speeend some dough at table three.
 * [Everyone cheers and holds up money.]

Hi there, neighbors. Uh, I'm... George Bush. [everyone stares] Former president George Bush? Oh, OK! [mild applause]

Wow, a former president living right across the street. Oh, why did he have to move in on my territory? Look at him. Thinks just because he led the free world, he can act like a big shot! Stupid President... why couldn't he just stay in his own state? Actually, this is one of the nine states where Mr. Bush claims residency, Dad. I wouldn't have voted for him, but it's nice to have a celebrity in the neighborhood.

Howdily doodily, there, President Bush—or should I say, "President Neighbor"! I'm Ned Flanders, and this is Maude, Rod, and Todd. Well, howdily doodily yourself, there, Ned. This is my wife Barbara. I call her Bar. Would you like some lemonade? Tip top notch! Okily dokily! Thankily dankily! Scrump-diddley-eriffic! Fine and dandy like sour candy!

What brings you to Springfield? Well, George and I just wanted to be private citizens again—go where nobody cared about politics. So we found the town with the lowest voter turnout in America. Just happy to be here among good, average people with no particular hopes or dreams. But, Mr. President, we're not all good people. There's one little boy you should watch out for. He's a bad, bad little boy. [nervous laugh] Now Todd, don't scare the president.
 * [Bart skateboards by as evil music plays.]


 * [George Bush shows Bart a photo album.]

Who's that, George? That's me with Charlton Heston. He was— Who's that, George? Er... see, you wouldn't know him. That's Bob Mosbacher. He was secretary of— That's a dumb name. Who's that, George? Maybe he thinks "Bart" is a dumb— How many times were you president, George? You know, in my day, little boys didn't call their elders by their first name. Yeah? Well, welcome to the 20th century, George!

Oh, man! I've only got one minute 'till they stop serving those breakfast balls! [stops behind Bush at the drive thru] Let's see, now... what do you folks have here, huh? Hmm, a "Krusty Burger"... that doesn't sound too appetizing. What kind of stew do you have today? [through order box] Uh... we don't have stew.
 * [Homer honks impatiently.]

Sir, why don't you just have the cheeseburger? Aw, that's really more of a weekend thing, Ray. Hey, jerk! Move your fanny! That guy's louder than World War II. Ray, go see what the rhubarb is, will you?
 * [Ray goes back toward Homer's car.]

Sir, could you pop your hood?
 * [Homer does so; Ray disables the horn.]

Hey: my taxes paid for that horn!

Hey, where's your candy? We don't have any. Now go away! George! Older people don't eat much candy, Bart, but I could bake you some cookies if you like. [scoffs] Can't remember the last time she made cookies for me. What's that? Oh, nothing.

All right, his story checks out. Marge, would you love me more if I were President? 'Cause I'll do it if it'll make you happy. Homey, as long as you keep the car full of gas, I'm happy. [kisses him] Well, you can always depend on that. [looks furtively out the window at the car]

Whoa man! Whoa, nothing. I'm gonna do something your daddy should have done a long time ago. [lightly spanks Bart] Now go home and think about what you've done, young man.

He spanked you? You? Bart Simpson? I begged him to stop, but he said it was for the good of the nation. Big deal! When I was a pup, we got spanked by Presidents till the cows came home. Grover Cleveland spanked me on two nonconsecutive occasions. Grampa, I know in your day, spanking was common, but Homer and I just don't believe in that kind of punishment. And that's why your no-good kids are running wild! [points at Lisa, reading quietly]

First Bush invades my home turf, then he takes my pals, then he makes fun of the way I talk—probably. Now he steals my right to raise a disobedient, smart-alecky son! Well, that's it!

Hey! You owe me an apology. You owe me an apology. If you were any kind of a father, you'd have disciplined that boy a long time ago. You want to step back, Sir? You're trampling the flowers. Ooh! Hiding behind your goons, eh, Bush? Well you are a wimp! [with trembling lips] Wimp, am I? Agent Johnson, Agent Heintz, you men stand down. [the gate opens and Homer walks in] All right, Mister, you want trouble? You're going to get trouble. Oh, I want trouble, all right. Then you're going to get trouble. No, you're going to get trouble. Oh, that's good, that's good, 'cause I want trouble. Then we're agreed there'll be trouble. Oh, yeah, lots of trouble. Trouble it is. For you. [walks inside, slams door] For—d'oh!

[yawns] Why don't you just say you're sorry, George? Because I'm right! Oh, no, I'm going to fix their wagon good. I've pulled some pranks in my time... [shakes spray paint]
 * [A "Two Bad Neighbors" banner hangs from his house the next day.]

I don't understand. Are you saying you and Barbara are bad neighbors? No! That's not Bar and me, it's them! Who, Maude and me? No, the man and his boy. You know, the—the boy is named Bart. I don't know the name of the man. Bar! What's the name of the man? [off-camera] I'm not getting involved, George. Look, just never mind. I thought the banner was pretty straightforward, but I'll just take it down.

I really feel awful about your lawn, Marge. George can be so stubborn when he thinks he's right. Well, Homer, too. They're so much alike. Too bad they got off on the wrong foot. It's just like the Noriega thing. Now, he and George are the best of friends.

For the last time, Bush, apologize for spanking my boy! Never. You tell him to apologize for destroying my memoirs! Bart, you never told me you destroyed his memoirs. [to Bush] Never!

I'm sorry I spanked your boy, Homer. Woo hoo! In your face, Bush. Now apologize for the tax hike.

It's a shame it didn't work out, Marge, but George just felt this neighborhood brought out the worst in him, and -- [Bush honks his horn impatiently] -- oh, my. Well, so long. [Barbara gets in and they drive off] Bye bye.

Say, Homer, do you like football? Do I ever! Do you like nachos? Yes, Mr. Ford. Well, why don't you come over and watch the game and we'll have nachos, and then some beer.
 * [Homer and Ford cross the street together.]

Jerry, I think you and I are going to get along just--
 * [They both trip in Ford's driveway.]

D'oh!