Homer's Triple Bypass/Quotes

This is Papa Bear. Put out an APB for a male suspect, driving a...car of some sort, heading in the direction of...you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

[at breakfast] Hey, Lis, I heard that there was a train wreck last night. Wanna see the victims? Sure. [Bart opens his mouth, showing "see-food"] Bart, that's gross! You're right. Let's bury them at sea. [scoops it into Lisa's cereal]

What's wrong, Dad? [strained from feeling chest pains] You know that feeling you get when a thousand knives of fire are stabbing you in the heart? I got that right now... [back to normal] Ooh, bacon!

Homer, I've made a special surprise just for you! It can only be one thing. [imagines a roast pig suggesting Homer eat his rump.] [hands Homer a bowl of oatmeal] Here you go. What the hell is this? Nice, healthy oatmeal. [sarcastic] Ooh, oatmeal, what a delightful treat! Aw, there's a bug in it. [dumps the oatmeal in the sink.] No there isn't. Trust me. [starts eating bacon.] Dad, there's a bug on that. Naah. [keeps on eating.]


 * [At the gas station]

I keep hearing this horrible irregular thumping noise.
 * [The noise is heard between Homer and an attendant he speaks to.]

It's your heart. And I think it's on its last thump. Oh, I thought it was my transmission. [drives away] Where's he going? You remember that old Plymouth we just couldn't fix? We're going to sell him to Mr. Nikopopolous?! You're a dull boy, Billy.

[about Homer's eating donuts] Look at that pig. Stuffing his face with donuts on my time! That's right, keep eating...Little do you know you're drawing ever closer to the poison donut! [cackles evilly, then stops abruptly] There is a poison one, isn't there Smithers? Err... no, Sir. I discussed this with our lawyers and they consider it murder. Damn their oily hides!


 * [A "window" shows Homer's heart, beating fast]

Relax, Simpson. I just brought you in here for a friendly hello... Whew... [heart slows down] ...and goodbye! You're fired! [gags; his heart speeds up] But, wait. Perhaps I'm being too hasty. You are highly skilled... Whew... [heart slows down] ...at goofing off! Aaargh! [heart beats faster] Now don't worry, Homer. You're the kind of guy I could really dig... Whew... [heart slows down] ...a grave for! Aaargh! [heart beats faster] Your indolence is inefficacious! [stares blankly; his heart beats normally] That means, you're terrible! Aarrggghh! [his heart goes crazy and he collapses; his astral body rises from Homer's physical body] [examines Homer] Mr. Burns, I think he's dead. Oh dear. Send a ham to his widow. Mmm...ham... [returns to Homer's body] No, wait. He's alive. Oh good. Cancel the ham.

D'oh!

[answers the phone] Hello... Yes? Oh my Lord! Homer's in the hospital, they think it's his heart! [leaves] Oh my God. What? 5 cents off wax paper. [slaps her cheek in amazement]

[to Dr. Hibbert] Remember your Hippopotamus oath!

Can't you do something for him? Well, we can't fix his heart, but we can tell you exactly how damaged it is. What an age we live in!


 * [Homer stands behind an X-ray machine]

Now what you see here is the radioactive dye flowing through your husband's circulatory system. But Doctor, I haven't injected the dye yet! Good Lord!

Woo hoo! Look at that blubber fly!

Homer, I'm afraid you'll have to undergo a coronary bypass operation. Say it in English, Doc. You're going to need open heart surgery. Spare me your medical mumbo-jumbo. We're going to cut you open and tinker with your ticker. Could you dumb it down a shade? Doctor, we'll do whatever it takes to get my Homey well. Good. I must warn you though, this procedure will cost you upwards to $30,000. Aaarrrggh! [collapses] I'm afraid it's now $40,000.

Don't you have a health plan at work? We used to, but we gave it up for a pinball machine in the lounge. D'oh! Don't worry, Marge. America's health care system is second only to Japan, Canada, Sweden, Great Britain, well, all of Europe, but you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!


 * [Homer's at Merry Widow Insurance Co.]

Now before we give you health insurance, I have to ask you a few questions. Questions! Questions! My whole scheme down the -- [realizes] I mean ask away. Now, under "heart attacks", you crossed out three and wrote zero. Oh, I thought that said "brain hemorrhages". All right. Here's your policy. Now let me tell you something, Mr. Sucker. I just-- Wait, you haven't signed it yet. [takes pen] Oh, yeah, I-- [gags] ... must... sign... policy! [pulling policy] I'm sorry, sir, we can't insure you! I made an H! That doesn't count! Looks like an X.
 * [The clerk manages to pull it away.]

We better get you to a hospital. Can I have a free calendar? OK.

Oh, Doctor, I was in a wonderful place filled with fire and brimstone and there were all guys in red pyjamas sticking pitchforks in my butt!


 * [with Reverend Lovejoy]

Now I know I haven't been the best Christian. In fact, when you're up there yak-yak-yaking, I'm usually either sleeping or mentally undressing the female parishioners. Anyway, can I have $50,000? ''[Rev. Lovejoy's eyes widen]''
 * [with Rabbi Krustofsky]

Now I know I haven't been the best Jew, but I have rented "Fiddler on the Roof" and I will watch it. Anyhoo, can I have $50,000? Hmm?

Any luck, Dad? No, but the rabbi gave me this. [spins a dreidel] What is that? Son, it's called a droodel.

Nothing you say can upset us. We're the MTV Generation. We feel neither highs or lows. Really? What's it like? Ehh. [shrugs]

Oh, no. What if they botch it? I won't have a dad—for awhile.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people. What about Abraham Lincoln? He sold poison milk to school children.

Bed goes up, bed goes down...

[praying] Dear God, thank you for Ziggy comics, little baby ducks and "Sweating to the Oldies" Volumes 1, 2, and 4.

They say the greatest tragedy is when a father outlives his son. I have never fully understood why. Frankly, I can see an up-side to it!

When I first heard about the operation, I was against it. But then I thought, if Homer wants to be a woman, so be it! Barney, I'm not getting a sex change! What? What the hell am I supposed to do with this jumbo thong bikini?

Uh, Homer, I snuck you in a beer for old times' sake. Thanks, Moe. [drinks it] You know, Homer, that beer ain't free.

Insert the retractor and crank it until the ribs swing open like a rusty drawbridge. [crack/gush] [recoils] Ohh, no! Blood! Bleh! Next, make an incision in the coronary artery – And we are back with more of People Who Look Like Things.
 * [Show a man with a cash register head; an old man with a palm tree; a broom head; a pumpkinhead; and a kettle head.]

Oh no, no, someone taped over the end of this! All we ask is to be treated with dignity and respect. And a new candle now and then? Yes, and a new – no!

Kids, I wanna give you some words to remember me by, if something happens. Let's see... er... Oh, I'm no good at this. [whispers into Homer's ear] Bart, the saddest thing about this is I'm not going to see you grow up... [whispers into Homer's ear] ... because I know you gonna turn out well, with or without your old man. Thanks, Dad. And Lisa... [whispers into Homer's ear] I guess this is the time to tell you... [whispers into Homer's ear] ... that you're adopted and I don't like you. [realizes] Bart! [whispers into Homer's ear] But don't worry, because you've got a big brother who loves you and will always look out for you. Oh, Dad. [hugs him]

Hi, everybody! Hi, Dr. Nick! If something should go wrong, let's not get the law involved!

Now let's have a minute of silent prayer for our good friend, Homer Simpson. How long has it been? 6 seconds. Do we have to start over? Hell no.

Poor Mister Homer. Could it be that my snack treats are responsible for his wretched health? Give me some jerky. Would you like some vodka with that? Oh, what the hell, sure.

Call 1-600-DOCTORB. The B is for Bargain!

The knee bone's connected to the something. The something's connected to the red thing. The red thing's connected to my wrist watch... Uh oh.

All right, Dad! You rule intensive care!