Bart Sells His Soul/Quotes

[discovering Bart's hymn prank] Wait a minute! This sounds like rock and/or roll!


 * [Sunday school room. Reverend Lovejoy has assembled all the children to find the culprit.]

I know one of you is responsible for this, so repeat after me: If I withhold the truth, may I go straight to Hell, where I will eat naught but burning hot coals and drink naught but burning hot cola...
 * [Children are visibly terrified except for Bart.]

Where fiery demons will punch me in the back... [sarcastically] Where my soul will be chopped into confetti and strewn upon a parade of murderers and single mothers... Where my tongue will be torn out by ravenous birds...
 * [From outside, a crow looks at Milhouse and squawks menacingly.]

Bart did it! That Bart right there! [angry] Milhouse!

[to Bart and Milhouse] I want you to clean every one of those organ pipes that you have befouled with your popular music!
 * [He hands the boys cleaning brushes, then leaves.]

You shank! How could you tell on me? Well, I didn't want hungry birds pecking my soul forever. Soul? Come on, Milhouse, there is no such thing as a soul. It's just something they make up to scare kids, like the Boogeyman or. But every religion says there's a soul, Bart. Why would they lie? What would they have to gain?
 * [Reverend Lovejoy, in his office, places the tithe money in a money segregator.]

I don't hear scrubbing! [sarcastically] Well, if your soul is real, where is it? [points to his chest] It's kind of in here. And when you sneeze, that's your soul trying to escape. Saying "God bless you" crams it back in. [points to his nose] And when you die, it squirms out and flies away. [unimpressed] Uh huh. What if you die in a submarine at the bottom of the ocean? Oh, it can swim. It's even got wheels if you die in the desert and it has to drive to the cemetery. [sighs] Oh, how can someone with glasses that thick be so stupid? Listen: you don't have a soul, I don't have a soul, there is no such thing as a soul! [smug] Fine. If you're so sure about that, why don't you sell your soul to me? [pause] How much you got? Five bucks. Deal. [writes "Bart Simpson's Soul" on a piece of paper] There you go: one soul. [sly] Pleasure doing business with you. Any time, chum...p.


 * [Bart walks to the Kwik-E-Mart. He cannot get the automatic door to work for him.]

[to himself] Oh, come on! Why will this stupid door not work?
 * [Door opens for Rod and Todd Flanders.]

[in unison] Thank you, door!
 * [Bart enters Kwik-E-Mart, tailing in on the entry of the Flanders brothers. He sees Jimbo by the ice cream freezer.]

Hey Bart, watch this.
 * [Jimbo makes graffiti, then breathes on it.]

BITE ME. The ice cream man is going to freak when he comes to restock the freezer. You try.
 * [Bart attempts to breathe on his graffiti but nothing happens.]

Way to breathe, No-Breath!

[saying Grace] Lord have mercy on my soul, and Dad's soul, and Mom's soul, and Maggie's soul, and everybody else's soul. And let every soul in Christendom— [an enraged Bart throws a meatball at Lisa] Bart! I can't take this anymore! I want my soul, and I want it now! [runs out of Uncle Moe's restaurant] Bart! You didn't finish your spaghetti and Moe-balls! Quiet, you fool. It can be ours. [eats spaghetti and Moe-balls] Run, boy! Run! Run for your life... boy!


 * [As Uncle Moe's Family Feedbag being renovated to its former glory.]

Go on, take it all. Get it all outta here. You know, Moe, you might wanna keep the fire extinguishers. Nah, too many bad memories. Well, look at the bright side, Moe—you still got us. Yeah. Yeah. You know, that actually makes me feel a little better. Why? That was the problem in the first place. You were going broke because we were your only customers. Wasn't that the problem in the first place, that you were going broke? [Moe doesn't answer] Moe? Moe? Hey! Moe? You're thinking about all the money you blew, aren't ya? What was it, 50? $60,000? ..Moe? Look, maybe it would help if you went over all the mistakes you made from the beginning. Moe? WHAT?!?! Let me get a pad.

[praying] Are you there, God? It's me, Bart Simpson. I know I never paid attention at church, but I could really use some of that good stuff now. I'm... afraid. I'm afraid some weirdo's got my soul and I don't know what they're doing to it! I just want it back. Please? [starts crying] Oh, I hope you can hear this. [Bart's "soul paper" floats down from above]