Homer's Paternity Coot/Quotes

How often have you driven by a fire and thought 'How can this benefit me?'

To hell with that paternity test and its 99.99997% accuracy!

[after his tires are ripped] My tires have been severely damaged! The prophecy has been fulfilled! [pointing to sign that reads "Do Not Back Up - Severe Tire Damage"]

Springfield Tire Fire. Now smelled in 46 states.

People aren't taking the tollbooth! We need those seventy-five centses to de-python the town fountain! Get them through that tollbooth by any means necessary! Gotcha. No survivors. [gets out a shotgun and cocks it] No Shooting. But it's already cocked. Okay. Shoot into the fireplace.
 * [Wiggum does so and laughs.]

Let's go there before the next commercial tells me to do something else.

Who could my father be? Moleman? Mr. Burns? [gasps] ? That would be a twist worthy of his increasingly lousy films! audio clip

[with a tuba on his head] I'm C3-D2!

[looking around Mason's study, which is decorated with various adventurer's items] So, I infer from all the knickknacks you're some sort of..fruitcake?

I'm sure my listeners will be pleased about that. Listeners? Didn't you say you work for a newspaper? Uh, no I didn't. I says I work for a radio station. WXI 940. Number one with our viewers. Viewers? Wouldn't that be a TV show? Uh, well, um, oh what the hey. I think you're my pappy! Ga-whaaa?!

Lisa, I'm not sure that letter is age-appropriate reading. Why can't the government edit our mail like other countries?

[heading for the toll booth] Don't worry, this one's on Jesus.
 * [He takes out the church collection plate which is full of coins. The Jesus figurine on his dashboard looks as if it's about to cry.]

Oh, be cool for once.


 * [Marge, Bart, Lisa, and Maggie are at the retirement home visiting Grandpa.]

See, Grandpa, you still have a family. We still visit you even though we have no biological obligation. So, Homer couldn't make it? No, but he told us to say hi. Hi!
 * [Long pause.]

So...what setting is that fan on?
 * [Pause.]

Medium.
 * [Pause.]

I would've guessed low.
 * [Pause.]

You would've guessed wrong.