Brawl in the Family/Quotes

A grizzly bear with a chainsaw. Now, there's a killing machine!

I'm gonna come back with the greatest gift a husband can give his wife. An annulment from his secret wife!

We don't need TV to have family fun. Why don't we play Monopoly? Which version? [pulls board games from the closet] We've got "Star Wars Monopoly", "Rasta-mon opoly", "Galipolopoly", "Edna Krabappoly." Let's stick to regular Monopoly. The game is crazy enough as it is; how can an iron be a landlord?


 * [While the family is playing Monopoly.]

[holding some money Homer has given him] You're a little light here, Dad. I'm good for the rest… you know I am! Well, I'd like to trust you, Homer, but you've been in jail 3 times. They told me it would be like this on the outside. [picks up one of Bart's "hotels"] These hotels are made of Legos. Bart, you're cheating! Lisa, it was probably an accident. Oh, sure, you take his side, just because he bought you that house on St. James Place. Who else is going to take care of her? Dad? Why, you little... [throttles Bart] Stop fighting! [throttles Homer] Mom, that's not how you pry them apart! [grabs Bart's arm and tries to pull him away from Homer] I've been prying them apart since before you were born!

I am Brenda. I am programmed to talk in a calm and constructive manner. [yells] DESTROY! DESTROY!

Another case of Monopoly-related violence, Chief. How do those Parker Brothers sleep at night?

Nice work, Brenda. I'll take it from here. No way! This is my collar! [Chief Wiggum switches off Brenda's power switch and she shuts down] Too bad real women don't come with these, huh? [laughs] [laughs] You got that right. Quiet, you. That counts as your phone call.


 * [When the Simpsons are in jail.]

Thanks a lot, everybody. Now, I'll never get into an Ivy League school. [taunting] You're going to Stanford, you're going to Stanford ... [taunting] You're going to Stanford! Take it back! Take it back! Stanford.

Hello, I'm Gabriel. [gasps] A heavenly choir! You must be an angel. [laughs] No, that's my pager. [turns his pager off] I'm a social worker. I'm here to help you stop fighting and become a family again. No, you are an angel, like in "", or  in "", or  in "". Sir, we know you're not an angel. My husband sees too many movies. Don't blame me, blame Tinseltown and its second golden age. May it never end.


 * [Bart brings Gabriel to school.]

[to the kids at school] Attention, everyone! This is Gabriel, my personal social worker. He has to be here. I'm just that nuts. [the kids are impressed] How come you get a social worker? I'm the one with stigmata. [holds up his bloody hands]

Food keeps my family happy, so I make a few practice dinners before showtime, ‘cause at 6 o'clock, we go live!


 * [When Homer brings Gabriel to Moe's.]

Okay, Gabriel, this is a bar. It's where I go to drink alcohol, which is the mortal equivalent of your ambrosia. Homer, I am not an angel. Pfft. Well, not with that temper.


 * [Gabriel takes the Simpsons' to the rules.]

Okay, why are we in the woods? Is this Heaven? No, Homer. I brought you out here to shake off your negative behavior patterns. Marge, you medicate your family with food. Bart, you'll do anything for attention …cut that out! [with a beard of bees] They chose me.

Okay, family huddle. [everyone huddles together and Homer lowers his voice to a whisper] Now, here's how it's going down. As a family, we drive away. We cover for each other, as a family. It's what Gabriel would have wanted. Look, we can't fall into old patterns. We've got to think of a plan. [in a whisper] Okay, but talk like this. [in a whisper] Fine, I'll talk like this. [in his normal voice] What?

You know, we've been through some 280 adventures together, but our bond has never been stronger. Yep, our family is as functional as all get-out. Could this be the end of our series... of events?

But Marge, it wasn't my fault... liquors drunkened me!

[to Lisa] I could show you how to put on makeup. I'm 8 years old. You could look 7. [to Bart] And I can teach you how to count cards. I already have a system.

[wakes up] Aah, the sweet couple of seconds before I remember why I'm sleeping on the lawn.

Mr. Simpson, under Nevada law, bigamy, or "Mormon hold-'em," is perfectly legal. [bangs gavel] Both marriages stand. But I only love Marge! I hereby order you to take care of both of your wives. Bailiff, ring him. [a bailiff puts a second wedding ring onto Homer's finger]

Homer? Marge? You're speaking to me!? Why don't you come inside and we'll talk? About what? Sports? Bigamy? Bigamy. Not a sports fan, huh?

Oh, I lost another wife. I'm sorry, Grampa. Well, it hurts now, but the senility will take care of that. There she goes. (to Homer) You know, I have a son about your age.