Raging Abe Simpson and His Grumbling Grandson in "The Curse of the Flying Hellfish"/Quotes

Now, my story begins in 19-dickety-two. We had to say "dickety" cause that Kaiser had stolen our word "twenty". I chased that rascal to get it back, but gave up after dickety-six miles…
 * [The children laugh.]

Dickety? Highly dubious! What're you cackling at, fatty? Too much pie, that's your problem!

[after Grampa spits] Grampa! I don't mind when you spit at home, but I have to work with these people. Oh, jabberjack. Schoolhouse don't put up spittoons, I ain't responsible. [spits again]

All right, seniors, we'd all love to share in your wisdom, experience, yadda yadda yadda.

Uh, how many of you have a house? [children raise their hands] All right, now how many of you drove your house to school today? [children raise their hands again, then wake up] Well, I did. [chuckles] No, I'm not Superman; I just own an RV. Me and the new wife travel the country searching for adventure. Last fall, we won a chili cook-off in Beaumont, Texas. Wow!

No, I'm not Superman; I'm a judge. Why, just this morning I sentenced my 46th man to death. Oh... no, 47th. Wow, 47! I love you, Grandpa. Yeah… well, I may not have a fancy black bathrobe and a hammer like Snooty, but I do have slippers and an oatmeal spoon. Look!

[back at home] And then, he claimed he was the one who turned cats and dogs against each other. Why is he always making up those crazy stories? Maybe it's time we put Grampa in a home. You already put him in a home. Maybe it's time we put him in one where he can't get out. No! Old people deserve our respect. Look at and. You wouldn't shut them away like second-class citizens. Pfft! Second-class! [scoffs] What about, bus discounts, medic alert jewelry, powder, pants all the way up to your armpits, and all those other senior perks? Oh, if you ask me, old folks have it pretty sweet.

There, Simpson, seven gone. As soon as you're in your press board coffin, I'll be the sole survivor and the treasure will be mine. Over my dead body, it will! That's precisely the point! Oh, Simpson, can't you go five seconds without humiliating yourself?
 * [Grampa's pants fall down with a "boing" sound.]

How long was that?

Abraham Simpson, your family is here to visit you. Hot diggity, my family's come to visit me! [runs down the hall] Wait a minute... My family never comes to vi... Whoa! [a knife flies at his head] [disguised as Homer] D'oh! Not again! [disguised as Marge] I can't take much more of your blundering numskullery. [disguised as Bart] I'll be in the car, dudes.

[after gunshots are aimed towards Abe] Was that me or was that you?

Nurse! Someone's trying to kill me! Okay, we'll do something about that right away. Let's start by doubling your medication!
 * [Vidal comes in, shoots everywhere.]

[loads shotgun, and shoots] Our residents [shoots] are trying [shoots] to nap! [shoots]

[pounding on the door] Let me in! Someone's trying to kill me! Sweet merciful McGillicuddy, you gotta open the door! Who is it? It's Grampa. And it sounds like he's gotten into the horseradish again.

And then, a knife flew at my head. And [points to Homer] you were there, and [points to Homer] you were there... Uh, Grampa, maybe I should moisten your washcloth. It's plenty moist!

Where are we going to put him? Bart's room. Bart's room. Bart's room. Dumpster.

Mm-hmm. You bossed around the richest, most powerful guy in town. How come you were a sergeant and he was only a private? Well... he got busted down for obstructing a probe from J. Edgar Hoover. We got stuck with him.

[yells] Don't kill me! I've tried to meet you halfway on this, Simpson, but you had to be little Johnny Live-a-lot. Now, give me your key to the Hellfish bonanza. Oh, wow! There really is a treasure! Whatever you do, don't give him the key, Grampa. Here's the key. Aw... figures.


 * [Mr. Burns plows through Lisa's room in a cherry picker.]

Terribly sorry. Back to sleep, little girl. Santa?

Ah, I guess Burns is finally gonna be rich. Not without the keys, he isn't! [shows Abe the two keys] Hey, you got the keys! Now we can get the treasure! Oh, what's the use. Burns would still find some way to take it from me. I can't believe you, Grampa. The sergeant in that story you told would never be scared of a dork like Burns. You gotta get that treasure, you gotta do it for Ox, and Asa, and Griff, and Burnsie... Well, not so much Burnsie.

Hey, Grampa, do you think that dead bodies get up and walk around at night? If they're anything like me, they have to get up twice.

[to Abe on the boat] Well, howdy-doodily, stranger! Couldn't help but notice you're stealing my boat. I'll bring it back. You ever operated a powerboat? No. Know anything about water safety? No! What do you need it for? It's a secret. Hoo-hoo, sounds spine-tingling-dingling! Just promise you'll have a good time. [hands him the keys] Maude, boys, come on up! We're gonna have a little camp out in the dinghy! Yay!

Hey, Grampa, do you thing I could've been a Flying Hellfish? You're a gutsy daredevil with a give-em-hell attitude and a 4th grade education. You could've made sergeant.

You coward! You're an embarrassment to the name Hellfish. Oh, am I? [aims his gun at Bart] No! Look, take the art if you want, just don't hurt the boy. Hmm... I'd rather do both. [kicks Bart in the crate, which tilts over and falls in the sea]

I'm sorry I cost you your fortune, Grampa. Oh, the fortune doesn't matter, boy; the important thing is you're safe. Now let's get that fortune!

They're gaining on us, sir. We'll have to jettison something. [Burns stares at him] It's been an honor to serve you, sir. [jumps off]

Don't kill me... I ain't gonna kill ya, that'd be cowardly; Monty Burns cowardly. I just want to watch you squirm. Yes sir. [squirms] Is this to your liking?

Baron von Herzenberger, on behalf of the American people, I apologize for... Ja ja ja, mach schnell mit der art things, huh? I must get back to Dancecentrum in Struttgart in time to see Kraftwerk. [the agent is storing the paintings in the trunk] Hey, und dummkopf! Watch out for the CD-changer in my trunk, eh? Idiot.

Oh... I'd hug ya, but I know you'd just get embarrassed. I won't get embarrassed; I don't care who knows I love my Grampa. [both hug] Hey, fun boys, get a room!