Homer vs. Lisa and the 8th Commandment/Quotes

Family, I have an important announcement. The Simpsons have cable! [in unison] Cable!
 * [Bart and Lisa rush over to TV.]

MTV for the kids, VH1 for us, it has everything Marge. But Homer, are you sure we can afford this? Nothing a month? I think we can swing that!

[about Hell] Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub?


 * [Master bedroom. Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.]

Homer, this illegal cable hookup is wrong. If you really want cable in this house we ought to subscribe to it. I cannot afford it! But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home. [sternly] Marge, I never put my foot down about anything. No-- But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot) Oh, Homer. Marge, I’m sorry. I think it’s coming down. No, Homer! Not-- [Sticks foot over floor] It’s coming down. My foot, it’s-- No! That’s it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. (Slams foot down)


 * [Bart and the family watch TV.]

Oh, cool! This is where “Jaws” eats the boat! … Man, this is where “Die Hard” jumps through the window. … [Laughs] Whoa! This is where “Wall Street” gets arrested! '[[chuckles] [about the cable TV man]'' I should box your ears, you, you, you SNEAKY PETE!

[reading the "So You've Decided to Steal Cable" pamphlet] So you've decided to steal cable. Myth: Cable piracy is wrong. Fact: Cable companies are big faceless corporations, which makes it okay.


 * [When Marge and the kids come home from shopping.]

Oh, hey, hey. Family, family, come here. I have an announcement to make. The Simpsons have cable! Cable!? [they excitedly clamour in front of the TV.] That's right, 68 channels. MTV for the kids, [to Marge] VH-1 for us. Sixteen hundred hours of quality programming, every day! Homer, we've talked about cable before. Do you really think we can afford it? '[[chuckles] Nothing a month? Yeah, I think we can swing that. Mmm. Are you sure this is legal? Don't worry, Marge. Take a look at this. [hands Marge a pamphlet entitled, "So, You've Decided To Steal Cable."] [Reads from pamphlet]'' "Myth: It's only fair to pay for quality first-run movies. Fact: Most movies shown on cable get two stars or less, and are repeated ad nauseam."

[watching cable TV] Oh, cool! This is where “Jaws” eats the boat! [later] Man, this is where “Die Hard” jumps through the window. laughs] [later] Whoa! This is where “Wall Street” gets arrested! [chuckles]

Now, today's Christian doesn't think he needs God. He thinks he's got it made. He's got his hi-fi. His boob tube. And his instant pizza-pie.

Today's topic will be Hell. Ooh. All right. I sat through Mercy and I sat through Forgiveness. Finally, we get to the good stuff. Hell is a terrible place. Maggots are your sheet, worms your blanket, there's a lake of fire burning with sulfur. You'll be tormented day and night for ever and ever. As a matter of fact, if you actually saw hell, you'd be so frightened, you would die. [raises his hand] Oh, Miss Allbright. Yes, Bart. Wouldn't you eventually get used to it, like in a hot tub? No. [raises his hand] Yes, Bart. Are there pirates in hell? Yes. Thousands of them. [rubs his hands] Hoo hoo, baby!

[asks the kids about Sunday school] So, what did you children learn about today? Hell. Bart! Well, that's what we learned about. I sure as hell can't tell you we learned about hell unless I say "hell," can I? Eh, The lad has a point. Hell, yes! Bart! [singing] Hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell, hell. Bart, you're no longer in Sunday school. Don't swear!

Come on, Lisa. Watch a little cable with us. Heh heh. It won't cost you a thing ... EXCEPT YOUR SOUL! [screams and runs out] What's gotten into Lisa? Beats the hell out of me! Bart!


 * [while Marge and Lisa are at the supermarket; Marge takes a grape and eats it]

Mom, what are you doing? What, what do you mean? Don't you remember the eighth commandment? Oh, of course. It's thou shalt not um not covet, um, graven images, something about covet... [shouts] THOU SHALT NOT STEAL!!!

Dad, why is the world such a cesspool of corruption? [in a sotto voce] Oh, great... [speaks up] All right, what makes you say that? Well, in Sunday School, we learned that stealing is a sin. Well, duh. But everybody does it. I mean, we're stealing cable as we speak. Oh. Look at this way, when you had breakfast this morning, did you pay for it? No. And did you pay for those clothes you're wearing? No, I didn't. Well, run for the hills, Ma Barker! Before I call the Feds! Dad, I think that's pretty spurious. Well, thank you, honey.


 * [at work in the showers];;

Hey, big fight coming up.


 * Carl: Yea, you wanna come over to my house and listen to round-by-round updates on the radio?

Oh, yeah, okay. Oh, and then after the fight, we can watch the still photos on the 11:00 news. Not too shabby!

So even if a man takes bread to feed his starving family, that would be stealing? No. Well, it is if he puts anything on it. Jelly, for example. I see.

Hi, Dad. I think stealing cable is wrong, so I am choosing not to watch it in the hopes that others will follow my example. That's the last you'll hear from me on the matter. Thank you for your time. Hey, Lisa... "Racing From Belmont"? Horsies! Sorry, I'd rather go to heaven.

[about Lisa] There's something wrong with that kid. She's so moral. Why can't she be more like... well, not like Bart...


 * [In bed, Homer and Marge argue about the illegal cable.]

But Homer, I’m afraid that cable has become an evil presence in our home. [sternly] Marge, I never put my foot down about anything. No-- But I am severely tempted to do it over this. (Raises foot) Oh, Homer. Marge, I’m sorry. I think it’s coming down. No, Homer! Not-- [sticks foot over floor] It’s coming down. My foot, it’s-- No! That’s it, Marge. The cable stays. The foot has spoken. [Slams foot down]

I just want to call attention to the fact that I'm not watching this fight as my form of nonviolent protest.

[to Lisa when she just stares at him] Hey, go protest outside, will ya? Now!

Quick, Bart! Hide the stuff I borrowed from work! Borrowed? All, right, that stuff I stole from work.

[to Lisa when she's staring at him outside] Will you quit staring at me like that?!

I hate to interrupt your judging me, but I wanted you to know that I've made a couple of really important decisions. Number 1: I'm cutting the cable as soon as the fight's over, and Number 2: I'm not very fond of any of you.

[begging Homer not to cut the cable] Dad, I beg you to reconsider. Tractor pulls. Atlanta Braves baseball. Joe Franklin!