The Old Man and the Lisa/Quotes


 * [The family finds Lisa in the kitchen rummaging through the garbage.]

[yawn] Lisa, what in the heck are you doing? Oh, it's for my Junior Achievers Club. We're trying to earn money by recycling. Oh, recycling is useless, Lis. Once the sun burns out, this planet is doomed. You're just making sure we spend our last days using inferior products.


 * [Marge puts a six-pack ring in a wastebasket]

Mom, Mom! You're mixing polyapolane with polyurethane. Marge! Well, I'm sorry! And, you have to cut these up first. Otherwise, animals get caught in them. Only the stupid ones.

I'll keep it short and sweet. Family, religion, friendship. These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to succeed in business. When opportunity knocks, you don't want to be driving to a maternity hospital or sitting in some phony-baloney church. Or synagogue.

Questions?
 * [A long pause, and Principal Skinner raises his hand.]

Well, uh, I might take advantage of this rare opportunity even if you children aren't interested. Ah, which do you think is more important? Hard work or stay-tuneded-ness? Are there any REAL questions?

A half-ton of newspaper and all we get is 75 cents? That won't even cover the gas I used to go to the store to buy the twine to tie up the bundles. It sounds like you're working for your car-r-r. Simplify-y, ma-an!

I've called you all here because I need some honest answers. What is my current financial situation? Great! Great! I hear great.

Smithers, why didn't you tell me about this market crash! Um, well... sir, it happened 25 years before I was born. Oh, that's your excuse for everything!

Remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well, guess who's flat broke, and picking up trash for a living? Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders.

Where did I go wrong? I made all the right moves, didn't I? Yes, sir. Absolutely. Oh, I see it now; you're nothing but a bunch of yes-men. I was making all the wrong moves, and you were too gutless to tell me! Yes, sir. Absolutely. Every move the wrong one.

And, I'm sure a pro-wrestler such as yourself will appreciate all the closet space, Hitman. [sniffs] Eww. This place has got old-man stink! Ooh. Don't listen to him, sir. You've got an enchanting musk.

Uh, would it be all right if I kept this portrait? To remind me of better times? Why would I want a picture of a pitiful pencil-neck GEEK?! Yeah. Why indeed.

Homer, you didn't tell me Mr. Burns went broke and lost the nuclear power plant! Now I can't remember every little thing that happens in my day. You told me about that candy bar you found three times. You found a candy bar? Oh yes. Gather around, my son, and I shall tell you a tale.

I normally don't laugh at other people's misfortunes, but on behalf of the recycling community, ha! It couldn't have happened to anyone more deserving.


 * [When the bank puts Lenny in charge of the nuclear power plant.]

[over the intercom] Attention, everybody... um... oh... uh... Work harder, bye!

[to Mr. Burns] Well, sir, I have to get to work. Lenny's a real bear on tardiness.

Remember millionaire C. Montgomery Burns? The man who blocked out our sun, ran over a local boy, and stole Christmas from 1981 to 1985? Well, guess who's flat broke, and picking up trash for a living? Please be Flanders, Please be Flanders.


 * [When Mr. Burns takes the bus.]

[to Barney] I'm riding on the bus! Hey, aren't you that guy everybody hates? Oh, my, no! I'm Monty Burns.


 * [When Mr. Burns is shopping for cereal at the grocery store.]

[to Krusty] Uh, oh, excuse me, could you tell me where I might find the "Burns-Os"? Sorry, pops. They don't put nobodies on cereal boxes.


 * [After Mr. Burns is trapped in the freezer and the grocer lets him out.]

Oh, thank you, shopee. I ventured in to search for milk when the door snapped shut behind me! Yeah, those dairy cases are death traps.

Ketchup... Catsup. Ketchup... Catsup. Cats... K... K... uh, I'm in way over my head! He's talking to the ketchup now. Burns is sure acting nutty! Maybe going broke and losing his plant has destroyed his brain!


 * [When Chief Wiggum takes Mr. Burns to the Retirement Castle.]

But, where are you taking me? What's happening? Relax. You've gone off your nut, so we're stuffing you into an old folks' home. Those, uh, store guys signed the commitment papers. [confused] But I'm shopping!


 * [Homer helps out Lisa with her recycling by drinking cans of Duff.]

[to Lisa] Here you go, honey. [drops a can of Duff into a bag] That's about all the recycling [hiccups] I can handle today. Dad, if you just drink one more I'll have a full bag. Oh, but Daddy doesn't feel so good. Hm. There's gotta be more trash around here somewhere. Hey, why don't you try the old folks' home? They practically live in their own filth! Thanks, Dad! You're welcome, honey... [passes out]


 * [At the old folks' home, Mr. Burns eats dinner with Grampa.]

That's the activity room. We're not allowed in there. That's the library. Not allowed in there either. And don't even think about going into the game room. Egad, man! How are we supposed to pass the time? Best bet is to stake yourself out a good spot at the staring window. [3 old people are staring outside a window, where there's nothing but a bare tree with one leaf, standing on grass] [shudders]

Sorry. We're not allowed to read newspapers. They angry up the blood.

You! That troublemaking girl! My name is Lisa, Mr. Burns. Lisa Simpson. It doesn't matter what your name is, you idiot! What I want to know is, will you help me get my money back? Hah! I'd never help you. You're the worst man in the world. Yes! That's the kind of moxie I'm looking for! You're hired!

[to Mr. Burns] Sir! I'm so sorry my grocer committed you. We'll never shop there again!


 * [When Mr. Burns comes to the Simpsons' house.]

Sir, we've never met before, but my name is Mr. Burns and I want your daughter to help make me rich again. You mean Maggie? [Maggie stares at Mr. Burns and gestures her hand like a gun aimed at him.] Ahh... the baby who shot me. No, I was referring to your other daughter.

[to Mr. Burns] If I did agree to help you, you could only earn money by doing good, socially responsible things. Nothing evil. Nothing evil. That's exactly the kind of radical thinking I need!

[to Bart] See that, boy? Why aren't you making any business deals? [whines] I'll do it this afternoon!

You mean there are actually people who will pay good money for garbage? Not good money, really. Each can'll get you a nickel. Ooh don't poo-poo a nickel, Lisa. A nickel will buy you a steak and kidney pie, a cup of coffee, a slice of cheesecake and a newsreel. With enough change left over to ride the trolley from Battery Park to the polo grounds. (unimpressed) There's a can.

Well, Lisa, as my adviser, you're entitled to ten percent. Oh, I'm not doing this for the money. I'm just happy knowing that future generations will enjoy unspoiled median strips and pristine highway embankments. (unimpressed) There's a can.

Wow, even I didn't know he was so committed to recycling. See? I told you Mr. Burns was changed. See? Lisa, nobody likes a gloater, right, Homie? Uh huh. See?


 * [On TV, Kent Brockman approaches Mr. Burns, who's digging through a garbage can.]

Excuse me, Mr. Burns, now that you're completely ruined, how do you feel? Excellent. I'm on my way back to the top! I've turned these cans into can-dos! Well, you smell terrible. Good luck to you, sir.


 * [When the Simpsons watch Mr. Burns digging through the trash on the news.]

Wow. He went from stinking rich to just plain stinking! [laughs]
 * [Homer and Bart start laughing with her.]

Good one, Mom! Oh, you're so bad, honey! You guys shouldn't laugh at him. Mr. Burns has changed. He's different now. Yeah, he's broke! [everyone but Lisa resumes laughing] Two in a row!
 * [Lisa frowns disappointedly.]


 * [Mr. Burns motivates the old people as they help recycle.]

People, if we meet this week's quota, I'll take you to the most duck-filled pond you ever sat by! Oh, hot-diggity! That's how they got me to vote for Lyndon LaRouche!


 * [At the opening of the Li'l Lisa Recycling Plant.]

Aww, ain't that cute? Makes Li'l Debbie look like a pile of puke!

The whole plant is environmentally sound. It's powered by old newspapers, machinery is made entirely of used cans, and the windows are from the old liquor bottles we collected. ''[Mr. Burns notices a shadow of Barney outside the liquor bottle windows; he opens the window]'' Hey! I thought I told you to stop licking my windows! I know you told me. But when I woke up this morning, I said, "Barney, you're not gonna lick that..." ''[Mr. Burns slams the window in Barney's face]''

Stop! Don't recycle! It's murder! You're helping Mr. Burns! [robotically] But you told us to recycle. [robotically] You convinced us it was good.

[wiping her dress] Oh, I can't get the smell of slurry out of my clothes. I was a fool to help that horrible old man! I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work? I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.


 * [When Homer collapses after Lisa tears up the check and ends up in the hospital.]

[laughs] Well, that's the first case I've ever seen of a man suffering four simultaneous heart attacks. I'm sorry, Dad. It's all right. I understand. But we really could've used that $12,000. [uncomfortably] Um, Dad, 10% of $120 million isn't $12,000... it's...
 * [Cut to outside the ward.]

Code Blue! Code Blue!