Last Exit to Springfield/Quotes

So long, dental plan!
 * [Homer looks blankly as the words echo through his mind]

Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces!
 *  [ Charlie drops a pencil in Homer's butt crack]

Bullseye! Thanks a lot, Carl, now I've lost my train of thought! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! Dental plan! Lisa needs braces! If we give up our dental plan...I'll have to pay for Lisa's braces!

We don't have to be adversaries, Homer. We both want a fair union contract. Why is Mr. Burns being so nice to me? And if you scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. Wait a minute. Is he coming onto me? I mean, if I should slip something into your pocket, what's the harm? My God! He is coming onto me! After all, negotiations make strange bedfellows. [chuckles, winks] Aaaaaagh! Sorry, Mr. Burns, but I don't go in for these backdoor shenanigans. Sure, I'm flattered, maybe even a little curious, but the answer is no!

[answering the door] Who is it? Goons. Who? Hired goons. Hired goons? (opens the door; goons take Homer away)

This is a thousand monkeys working at a thousand typewriters. Soon they'll have written the greatest novel known to man. Lets see. It was the best of times, it was the "blurst" of times! You stupid monkey!

Now, let's get down to business. Oh, man. I have to go to the bathroom. Why did I have all that beer and coffee and watermelon?
 * [water drips in the background, Smithers pours a cup of coffee]

Now Homer, I know what you're thinking. I want to take the pressure off. Now, it doesn't take a "whiz" to know that you're looking out for "Number One". Well, listen to me, and you'll make a big splash very soon. Which way to the bathroom? Oh, it's the twenty-third door on the left.
 * [later]

Find the bathroom alright? Uh... yeah.

We can't bust heads like we used to. But we have our ways. One trick is to tell stories that don't go anywhere. Like the time I caught the ferry to Shelbyville. I needed a new heel for m'shoe. So I decided to go to Morganville, which is what they called Shelbyville in those days. So I tied an onion to my belt. Which was the style at the time. Now, to take the ferry cost a nickel, and in those days, nickels had pictures of bumblebees on 'em. Gimme five bees for a quarter, you'd say. Now where was I... oh yeah. The important thing was that I had an onion tied to my belt, which was the style at the time. You couldn't get white onions, because of the war. The only thing you could get was those big yellow ones...

Look at them all, through the darkness I am bringing. They're not sad at all. They're actually singing. They sing without juicers. They sing without blenders. They sing without flungers, cabdabblers, and smendlers!

Look at him, Smithers. Exercising away. While the others are off at the candy machine. Hey, Lenny, can you get this Sugar Daddy off my back? Okay, but it's the last time!

Simpson, eh? New man? He thwarted your campaign for governor, you ran over his son, he saved the plant from meltdown, his wife painted you in the nude... Doesn't ring a bell.

What does this job pay? Nothing. D'oh! Unless you're crooked. Whoo-hoo!

Look at him strutting around like he's cock of the walk. Well, let me tell you. Homer Simpson is cock of nothing.

How often do you brush, Ralph? [nervously] Three times a day, sir. [angry] Why must you turn my office into a house of lies?! You're right! I don't brush! [crying] I don't brush!

Dr. Wolfe likes to pull kids' teeth so he can sell 'em. To who? Know that rattle when you shake up a can of spray paint? That's a kid's tooth!

Guys are always patting my bald head for luck, pinching my belly to hear my girlish laugh. Hmm, that doesn't sound like they like you at all. You know, I think you're right. First thing tomorrow morning, I'm gonna punch Lenny in the back of the head.
 * [the next morning, Homer punches Lenny in the back of the head]

All in favor of a strike? Aye! And all opposed? Nay. Who keeps saying that? It was him. Let's get him, fellas.

Do you really think you can get our dental plan back, dad? Well, that depends on who's the better negotiator, Mr. Burns or me... Dad, I'll trade you this delicious doorstop for your crummy old Danish. Done and done!


 * [in a flashback when Mr. Burns was young]

You can't treat the working man this way. One day we'll form a union and get the fair and equittable treatment we deserve. Then we'll go too far, and get corrupt and shiftless and the Japanese will eat us alive! The Japanese!? Those sandal-wearing goldfish tenders? Bosh! Flimshaw!
 * [Years Later]

If only we'd listened to that boy, instead of walling him up in the abandoned coke oven.

Maggie's teeth are coming in rather crooked. Has she been sucking on a pacifier? Errrrrmmmmm... Not to my knowledge. Liar!

Tonight on Smartline, the power plant strike, Arglebargle or Fooforaw? With us tonight our plant owner C.M. Burns, Union Kingpin Homer Simpson, and talk show mainstay Dr. Joyce Brothers. I brought my own mic!

Homer, organised labor has been called a lumbering dinosaur. [screams] Um, my director is asking me not to talk to you anymore. Woohoo!

I'm also afraid little Lisa is going to need braces. Oh, no! I'll be socially unpopular! More so!


 * Come gather round children, it's high time ye learns,
 * 'Bout a hero named Homer and a devil named Burns.
 * We'll march till we drop, the girls and the fellas.
 * We'll fight to the death or else fold like umbrellas.
 * So we'll march day and night by the big cooling tower.
 * They have the plant, but we have the power.