Principal Charming/Quotes

Homer, remember you promised you'd try to limit pork to six servings a week? Marge, I'm only human.

I'll get right to the point. I'm getting older, fatter, and uglier. Please, Marge, help me find a man before it's too late.

Find a husband? Wait, which one's Selma again? She's the one who likes "Police Academy" movies and Hummel figurines and walking through the park on clear Autumn days.

Bart, I'm flabbergasted. Surely you knew as you were writing your own name in 40 foot high letters on the field that you would be caught. Maybe it was one of the other Barts, sir. There are no other Barts! Uh-oh.

Hello, is Homer there? Homer who? Homer Sexual. Wait one second, let me check. [to the bar] Ahh, Homer Sexual. Ah, come on, one of you guys has gotta be Homer Sexual. [catches on] Oh no, you rotten little punk! If I ever get ahold of you, I'll sink my teeth into your cheek and rip your face off.

So, Patty, tell me... tell me more about your trip to Egypt. Nothing more to tell, really. The Nile smells like cattle rot, and they've got horseflies over there the size of your head. Marvelous. Just marvelous. Well, Selma hated Egypt, too. A camel spit on her! [dismissive] Oh yes, I heard they can be difficult.

Kiss me, Patty. I don't have cooties!

I'm going to ask for your aunt Patty's hand in marriage. Your funeral, Seymour.

Homer, lighten up. You're making "Happy Hour" bitterly ironic.

I gotta find a date for my big, fat, snotty sister-in-law Selma. Hey, I'm intrigued. What does Selma look like? Well, like my wife's ugly sister. Wheel her in, Homer. I'm not a picky man. [belches]

It's time to give away my love life like so much cheap wine. Take it to the hoop, Selma!