Lisa's First Word/Quotes

Bart! What did you say? Bart? Suffering succatash! You can talk! [runs downstairs] Mom! Dad! She can talk! Say it again, Lis. Bart! Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart, Bart. I'm her first word! Well, I'm not surprised. Lisa's crazy about you. She thinks you hung the moon. Wow! [to Lisa] Lisa. Can you say 'Mommy'? Mommy. Can you say 'David Hasslehoff'? Dabid Hasslehoff. [giggles] Can you say 'Daddy'? Homer. No, sweetie. 'Daddy'. [pause] Homer. D'oh!


 * [While Bart and Lisa argue, Homer puts Maggie to bed.]

You know, Maggie. The sooner kids learn to talk, the sooner they talk back. [puts Maggie in her crib] I hope you never say a word.


 * [Homer leaves the room, closing the door behind him. Maggie takes her pacifier out of her mouth.]

Daddy.

Maggie, can you say ba-ba? Can you say mama? Can you say get bent? Bart! Mister Rogers says it all the time! He does not. Maggie, can you say daddy? Daddy? Kitty. Kitty. Be-bop. Be-bop. Shove it. Shove it. According to Fretful Mother Magazine, if Maggie doesn't talk at age 1, we should consider a corrective tongue extender.

Homer! Heh, heh, heh, heh, heh. Homer's what grownups call me. Call me daddy. Homer. Daddy. Homer. [becoming increasingly irate] Daddy. Da...da...da... Yes? D'omer! Hah, hah, hah... Why you little... [chokes Bart]

[telling Bart a bedtime story] Then the prince and the princess... [yawn] got married and lived happily ever after. Then what happened? Uh...they had 30 sons and thirty daughters. What were their names? Hmm...Dennis...Brad...Mavis...Brad... [falls asleep]

Got your nose! Heh heh heh. Got your wallet! [flushes it down toilet]

There's going to be twice as much love in this house as there is now! We're going to start doing it in the morning?!

I'm afraid we're going to need a bigger house. No, we won't. I've got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart's crib and Bart'll sleep with us until he's 21. Won't that warp him? My cousin Frank did it. You don't have a cousin Frank. He became Francine back in '76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Hey Bart, want a dollar? Uh uh uh, you know what I wanna hear. [singing] I'm a little teapot short and stout, this is my handle this is my spout. The incy wincy spider went up the water spout... Oh yeah! Love that spout medley.

Once we get the cats out of the way, it won't be too bad. Actually, according to the will, the cats own the house. You'd be their tenants! I wish we lived in the kitty house. I could've trained them to be my unholy army of the night. Go, my pretties! Kill! Kill!

Dad, I have a problem. Why did you come to me? I don't know nothin'. I used to get by on my looks. Now they're gone... withered away like an old piece of fruit. [sobs] Are you done? No, not yet! I was voted the handsomest boy in Albany, New York! Dad, I don't need advice! I need $15,000 to buy a home! Oh, well. All I own is this house, that I built with my own two hands! You didn't build this house! You won it on a crooked 50's game show! I ratted on everybody and got off scot-free!

All right, son, I'll sell this dump and write you a check. Dad, first you gave me life, now you've given me a home for my family, I'd be honored if you came to live with us. Thank you! [in the present] So how long before you shipped Grampa off to the old-folks home? About three weeks.


 * [Everyone laughs.]

When do we get to my first word? Your what? My first words! Nah, you don't want to hear that story. I know. I'll tell you about the time I got locked in the bank vault with Mr. Mooney. It was another one of my harebrained schemes. Dad! Wait a minute. That was "The Lucy Show". Okay, where were we? Mom was preggers and Dad threw all our money down a sink hole.

If you need anything just give a whistle. I could use a TV tray. Well, gee... What? Uh, I just this minute bought it at the hardware... You said "anything". Heh, sure, you can borrow it for...a little while. [in the present] And that little while is now 8 years and counting. Heh, heh, heh.

[during his "terrible two's" phase; he's banging pans and chanting while Marge is resting in her bedroom with a washcloth on her forehead] I am so great! I am so great! Everybody loves me, I am so great! Honey, honey, honey, honey, honey. Could you please be quiet? Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quiet! Quie -- Bart, get out!

It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.

Krusty funny! Duh.

Can't sleep, clown'll eat me.

Homer, I think the baby is coming. Wow. A baby and a free burger. Could this be the best day of my life? Next up, an hour-long episode of "Mama's Family." Yes!

We'll take good care of your boy, Simpson. Enjoy the miracle of creation! Shut up, Flanders.

Supper time, boys! Oh boy: liver! Iron helps us play.

[about Bart after Lisa's born] According to this magazine, Bart might be jealous of her. Well, Bart can kiss my hairy yellow butt.

I saved this newspaper from the day Lisa was born. Mondale to Hart: "Where's the beef?" "Where's the beef?" What the hell that's supposed to mean? [laughs] "Where's the beef"... No wonder he won Minnesota.

The older they get, the cuter they ain't.

[at Lisa's checkup] [laughs] She has the relexes of a young Mary Lou Retton. Have a wowwipop. [gives Lisa one] Can I have a lollipop? Oh Bart, I'm afraid that was the last one. But I've got something even better for you: a rubella inoculation! [holds up a giant needle]

I wanna hold the baby. I wanna hold the baby. I'm sorry, Bart, you're too little. Here, Bart, you can hold my beer. [puts it on his head]