Monty Can't Buy Me Love/Quotes

This gentleman's beer tap dates back to the mark of the century, and remarkably, seems to have never been washed. Yeah, yeah, I been meaning to wash that, but, heh, heh, it's been such a century. At auction, I'd expect this to bring twenty to thirty thousand dollars... except that on the handle somebody's carved "Homer Rocks".

I don't know how you can all just lay around the house on a nice day like this. When was the last time we went for a good, old-fashioned family walk? Well, we stopped those when the kids said I was too fat to carry.


 * [The family is out for a walk.]

Can't we go home yet? My feet hurt! All the fresh air is making my hair move. And I don't know how much longer I can complain.
 * [Barney drives by and yells out of his car window.]

Get a horse! Could we, Marge? Could we get a horse?

All this commotion, just for a store? Hey, it's not just a store, it's a megastore! Mega means good, and store means thing!

Springfield is still swooning from the whirlwind visit of playful plutocrat Arthur Fortune. Oh! The man has no idea how to behave like a billionaire. Where's the dignity? Where's the contempt for the common man?

[sighs] I thought I had everything: money, good looks, strong, sharp teeth. [sighs again] But what's it all worth when nobody likes you? I like you, sir. [exasperated] Are you still here?

Simpson, I need your help. I want to be loved. I see. Well, I'll need some beer. I want you to look at me the way I saw you look at Arthur Fortune. [wistfully] Oh, Arthur Fortune. [sighs] Yes! That's the look I'm looking for! What would make you and you slovenly kind look at me that way? Well, you don't have to call me slovenly. Yes, exactly! That's the kind of pointer I need! Tell me more, fatty.

I can't believe it! I'm still not among the hundred most popular billionaires! I'm behind Adam Sandler, for God's sake!

Well, how 'bout donating money to charity? Lots of crazy old coots do that. A charitable donation, eh? Well, there's a first time for everything.

Gee, I feel bad. If people knew the real Monty Burns, and not the silver-dollar-throwing morphine addict you've become, they might like you.

All right, uh, how many times a day do you go to the can? Oh, about forty, I suppose. When are we going on the air? We're on the air now, Skeletor. What? Question two: How long is your wiener? Seriously. Great heavens! What kind of radiola show is this? How about this: When was your first gay experience? Oh well, when I was six, my father took me on a picnic. That was a gay, old time. Ho-ho, I ate my share of wieners that day.

If a couple of Chinese bamboo gobblers can win people's hearts, I'm going to bring them something that man has searched for since the dawn of time! A sober Irishman? Even rarer.

Do you really think you can capture the Loch Ness Monster? I mean, he's eluded and Peter Graves. [scoffs] Peter Graves couldn't find ugly at a Radcliffe mixer.

Where's my monster, tubby? What do you people think I'm paying you for? Uh, to work in your power plant? You're not paying me anything. You kidnapped me! I remember it distinctly, with the grabbing and the duct taping and the tennis ball in the mouth that hurt me.

Now presenting the Ninth Wonder of the World, the eighth being Gomer Pyle's heavenly singing voice, I give you the Loch Ness Monster!