Burns, Baby Burns/Quotes


 * [After learning the train has been delayed in Waynesport]

Hmm, this could take a good while. [opens crystal bottle of brandy] Smithers, how about you get drunk and prance around for my amusement? I will be a one-man conga line, sir.

Wow, this guy is loaded. I mean sheesh. I've never seen a guy with a walk-in mailbox. I mean he's rich. Hey, who am I talking to?
 * [Larry rings doorbell of Burns residence. Mr. Burns answers.]

Who are you? How dare you interrupt my lime rickey! I... uh... am... [interrupting curtly] You are what?! Selling light bulbs? Worried about the whales? Keen on Jesus? Out with it! Mr. Burns, I am your son!

Something is not right about Larry's upbringing. Send for the boys of Yale at once!
 * [Burns' office. Two admissions officers from Yale are by his desk.]

Well, how did the interview go? Larry made light of my weight, then suggested my motto ought to be "Semper Fudge". Afterwards he told me to "relax" and "forget about it". OK, OK. How were his test scores? Let me put it this way. Larry spelled Yale with a 6.
 * [Mr. Burns, in a not-to-subtle moves, opens his checkbook.]

Oh, I almost forgot, it is time for your annual contribution. How much should I give? Let us see. A score of 400 would require new football uniforms. A score of 300 would require a new dormitory. And in Larry's case? A new international airport. Yale could use an international airport, Mr. Burns. Blast you! I am not made of airports! Get out!

Well, if God didn't make little green apples, it's Homer Simpson! How long have you been here? Twenty of the suckiest minutes of my life. Sucking down the cider, huh? Word for the wise, seasons pass. Pays for itself after the sixteenth visit. You know, most people don't know the difference between apple cider and apple juice, but I do! Here's a little trick to help you remember: If it's clear an yella, you got juice there fellah; if it's tangy and brown you're in cider town! Now, there are two exceptions that... Oh, you can stay, but I'm leaving.
 * [Homer's Brain floats out of his head.]

...and of course in Canada, the whole thing's flip-flopped.
 * [Homer collapses to the ground.]

Oh, my! I better get you some cider!