Grampa's Christmas Origins: Christmas Cards/Quotes


 *  [ Bart and Lisa are at a mailbox, about to mail a stack of Christmas cards.]
 * Lisa: How are we supposed to get these Christmas cards into the mailbox? The opening is too high!
 * Bart: Allow me. [takes off his scarf] I learned this scarf trick from watching old Christmas cartoons on TV.
 * [Bart uses his scarf to snag the handle of the mailbox door and pull it open. Inside, to their surprise, they find ...]
 * Grampa: Take your cheesy greeting card cheer somewhere else!
 * Bart: Grampa?! What are you doing in there?
 * Grampa: I can't let you send those cards because of the evil they represent!


 * Grampa: [narrating] The tradition of sending Christmas cards began long ago, before there were hippies, but for some reason everybody dressed that way.
 * [The scene shifts to 19-century London. We see Burnseneezer Scrooge in his place of business, counting money, and his employee, Bob Cratchit.]
 * Cratchit: Burnseneezer Scrooge, if there's nothing else, I'll be on my way.
 * Scrooge: Leaving early for Christmas ... Eh, Bob Cratchit? You'd best be here bright and early the day after.
 * Cratchit: I couldn't afford a gift, sir, but my son, Gimpy Tom, made this card for you. [hands Scrooge a card]
 * [Scrooge takes the card. It reads "Merry Christmas, Mr. Burnseneezer" and has a drawing of a Christmas tree.]
 * Scrooge: [skeptical] A Christmas card?! I've never heard of such a thing!
 * Cratchit: It's just a few words to sum up our appreciation for your generosity. [heads for the door] Good night, sir! And have a merry Christmas!
 * Scrooge: [tearing up and sniffling as he gets the point of the card] Good night, Cratchit.
 * [A voice comes from below the money that Scrooge was counting. It's Smarmley, hunched over and working at a low desk.]
 * Smarmley: Are you okay, Burnseneezer?
 * Scrooge: This simple construction of pen, paper, and sickly sentiment is the Ghost of Christmas Future! Smarmley, my faithful lackey, from this moment on we're in the greeting card business!


 * Grampa: [narrating] Within a year Burnseneezer built a greeting card empire, creating cards for every occasion.
 * [The scene shifts forward in time to show an ink-smeared Bob Cratchit at his table working on a stack of cards and looking dismayed at a card he's just received.]
 * Cratchit: [reading the card] "So sorry for your loss ... of gainful employment"?!
 * Scrooge: That's right, Cratchit! You didn't finish the Boxing Day cards on time, so you're fired! Now take your ink and get out!
 * Cratchit: But who will write the cards from now on?
 * Scrooge: [gesturing at a group of sickly-looking children] These street urchins! They're cheap, and if one dies of ink poisoning like old Smarmley did, I'll simply grab another from the back alley! [to the children] Consider yourselves at home, dear orphans!
 * Grampa: [narrating] Greeting cards became a holiday fixture: Cheap sentiment produced by the labor of child slaves!


 * [Back to the present. Grampa glares at Lisa from inside the mailbox.]
 * Grampa: Well, I say "Phooey!" Tell your loved ones "Merry Christmas" in person. Don't let some disgruntled mailman do it for you!
 * Lisa [hesitantly] Umm ... Here's a Christmas card for you anyway, Grampa.
 * [Grampa takes the card and the mailbox door clanks shut.]
 * Grampa: Oh goody! I love Christmas cards! ... But I can't see! Can someone get me a flashlight, or some matches? Hello ...
 *  [ Bart and Lisa walk away from the mailbox.]
 * Lisa: Should we tell Mom and Dad he's in there?
 * Bart: Meh. The mailman will come eventually.