Treehouse of Horror XXII/Transcript


 * [Pan to the roof, where a skeleton Santa Claus is sitting in a sleigh. Zoom out to see Bart and Lisa walk in the door to the Simpsons house dressed as an astronaut and a saxophone with hands, respectively.]

Bart Simpson: [laughs] Massive haul this year.


 * [Maggie bursts out of Bart's chest dressed as a Chestburster, and takes off her headgear. Bart puts her on the floor.]

Lisa Simpson: To candy.


 * [They all bump candy buckets.]


 * [Maggie removes her pacifier, opens some Red Tots, eats them, then burps out red dust. She puts her pacifier back in.]

Maggie Simpson: [suck]


 * [Marge walks in dressed as a witch.]

Marge Simpson: Fee fi, fo fum, give me all your candy and gum.

Bart: Who are you and why do you want our candy?

Homer Simpson: Your mother is the Switch Witch - a sort of tooth fairy-genie.

Marge: I take your sugary sweets, and I give you healthy items. [holds up a toothbrush and puts it in to Lisa's bucket] Plain, brown toothbrushes, [holds up dental floss and puts it in to Maggie's bucket] unflavored dental floss, [holds up mouthwash and puts it in to Bart's bucket] and fun-sized mouth washes - TSA approved.

Bart: This is exactly why kids need a union.


 * [Bart, Lisa and Maggie all walk away, with the former two mumbling under their breath.]


 * [Cut to outside the Simpsons house. On the lawn are the graves of Frank Grimes, Bleeding Gums Murphy and Maude Flanders.]

Homer: [humming]

Marge: Now remember, Homie, that candy goes to--

Homer: Our fighting men and women overseas. It's our way of letting them know we're having fun back here.

Marge: No sneaking off and eating that candy yourself.

Homer: Marge, you know I'd never do that. I'm too scared of the evil Switch Witch.

Marge: The Switch Witch is me.

Homer: You know, on some level I've always known. [runs to the car and drives off]


 * [Cut to Homer driving along with the candy next to him. Homer drives past the Candy for Troops Drop-Off at the USO Headquarters. Chief Wiggum watches him as he goes past. Homer stops at the lights and Reverend Lovejoy walks past and gives Homer a glare. Homer wipes his forehead with a chocolate. Homer drives through the mountains to Candy Eating Peak, and takes the candy to the peak to eat.]

Homer: ♫ I've got candy, skip to my lou. My insulin'll spike, that's what it's going to do. I'm gonna buy me some diabetic shoes, skip to my lou, my-- ♫


 * [Homer falls down a gap and screams. He hits many rocks on the way down.]

Homer: What the..? D'oh! Argh!


 * [As he hits the ground, a rock falls on his arm. He's just out of reach of the candy.]

Homer: D'oh! [uses phone] Hello, 911? I need a helicopter rescue and some cold milk.

911 operator: Copy that, sir, we'll be there in 20 minutes.

Homer: What?! I can't wait that long for candy. The only sane thing to do is chew off my arm. [puts in some vampire teeth] [bites] Ow. [bites] Ow. I'm not gonna swallow cause I wanna save room for candy. [bites]


 * [Zoom out to see that Homer's chewed off his left arm - the wrong arm.]

Homer: Oops. [bites]


 * [Zoom out to see Homer's chewed off his right leg.]

Homer: D'oh!


 * [Pan to later, when Homer's limbs are all back on, and he's chewing the right arm, with it hanging off by a thread.]

Homer: Hmm, I'm really getting the hang of this.


 * [He chews the rest of it off and spits out the teeth.]

Homer: Ahh, worth it for candy.


 * [He opens the bag, only to find veggies, with a note saying "ENJOY YOUR VEGGIES, HOMEBOY". Homer gasps and picks up a carrot.]

Homer: Nooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!


 * [Cut to Lisa, Maggie and Bart on Bart's bed eating the candy. Bart and Lisa laugh. Bart puts a lolly in his mouth, then opens his mouth to reveal the title, "TREEHOUSE OF HORROR XXII". End scene. Credits roll.]


 * [The title appears, "THE DIVING BELL AND THE BUTTERBALL". The camera is in the point-of-view of Homer.]

Bart: Dad? Dad? [gasp] He opened his eyes. Mom!

Homer: [in his head] OK, on the floor, I can't move, so far a normal Sunday morning.


 * [Lisa, Bart and Marge walk over to him.]

Marge: Homie, you're paralyzed. But we love you, and we'll never give up hope.

Bart: Can his funeral be on a school day?

Marge: [scolds]

Homer: [in his head] This is so horrible. I can't speak.


 * [Maggie squirts milk in Homer's eyes.]

Homer: Oh-ho-ho. How did this happen?


 * [Snowball licks the milk off.]

Homer: Last thing I remember, I was decorating the house for Halloween.


 * [Flash back to Homer holding a box marked "HALLOWEEN DECORATIONS".]

Homer: Ah, Halloween. The one time of year when the squalor of our homes are advantaged.


 * [Homer hums, as he puts up a web decoration. A real spider crawls in to the decorations.]

Homer: Where's that spider? [picks up real spider] Ah! [laughs] Squeeze. [squeezes spider and laughs] Squeeze squeeze. [squeezes spider and laughs] A real spider would get so mad if I did this. I wonder if this thing has batteries.


 * [Homer gets a screwdriver and pokes it in to the spider's back. The spider shoots a web at Homer's neck, and Homer screams.]

Homer: It's alive?


 * [The spider bites him, making him scream. He moves around, eventually freezing at a position.]


 * [Flash forward to the present. Homer is standing in front of a mirror in his pose.]

Homer: Well, at least I still look good.


 * [Marge walks in and puts a jacket on Homer.]

Marge: OK, handsome, that's enough preempting. Well, just because you've had a little setback doesn't mean you can't look your best.

Homer: [in his head] Oh, Marge. This is the purest love there is. Patient, supportive—ooh, cleavage.


 * [Cut to nighttime, Lisa is reading Homer The Brothers Karamazov.]

Lisa: Dad, I'm going to entertain you with the help of The Brothers Karamazov. Aleksey Fyodorovich Karamazov was the third son of Fyodor Pavlovich Karamazov, a land owner well known in our district in his own day and still remembered among us--

Homer: [in his head] Oh, God, she's still on the first sentence! Must make her stop. How to express my-- [farts]

Lisa: Dad, ohhh. Anyway, continuing... for the present I will always say that this land owner, for so--


 * [Homer farts again.]

Lisa: Ewwww, Dad! [gasps] Wait a minute, can you pass gas at will? Fart once for no, twice for yes.


 * [Homer farts twice.]

Lisa: Oh, my God! Dad, do you realize what this means?


 * [Homer farts randomly.]

Lisa: Well, it means that you can communicate.


 * [Homer farts.]

Lisa: Exactly. [laughs] I'll recite the alphabet and you tell me when to stop. A, B, C, D--


 * [Homer farts.]

Lisa: OK, first letter, D. Next letter. A, B, C, D, E--


 * [Homer farts.]

Lisa: D-E, amazing! Oh, but before we continue. [opens the window and takes a breath] Okay. A--


 * [Homer farts.]

Lisa: D-E-A.


 * [Pan to Homer at the beach, with Lisa transcribing. Lisa is voicing over.]

Lisa: Dearest Marge, though my body can not move, my heart still beats and my brain still brains.


 * [Homer farts. Change to Homer and Lisa at a café.]

Lisa: I miss holding you in my arms more than my butt can say.


 * [Homer farts. Everyone moves away. Cut to Homer and Lisa in a field of sheep.]

Lisa: Perhaps some day there will be a cure, although if it requires [Homer farts] months of difficult therapy, I'll pass.


 * [All of the sheep roll down the hill, due to the fumes. Cut to Marge, Homer and Lisa in the living room. Lisa is reading it out now.]

Lisa: You are the shining light that gets me through my darkest hours. For further communication, I will require more beans. I love you.

Marge: Oohh, Homie.


 * [Marge kisses Homer, he makes a noise, trying to fart.]

Marge: Shh shh shh. [holds her hand to Homer's butt] Don't say a word. [kisses Homer]


 * [Cut to Homer looking out at the sunset. Inside, Bart, Lisa and Marge are getting ready for dinner.]

Homer: [in his head] I guess my life isn't so bad. With the help of my loving family, I even published my first book.


 * [Cut to the book on the table, entitled 20 Great Walks in Madrid.]

Homer: [in his head] And I've finally reached a state of serenity and--


 * [Homer gasps. A glowing spider is coming down on him. He starts to panic.]

Homer: [in his head] Another spider?


 * [The spider crawls all around and through him, then bites him on his cheek.]

Homer: [in his head] What's THIS bite gonna do? [gasp] My wrists are tingling. I feel new powers surging within me.


 * [Cut to Homer flying through the city with web, imitating Spider-Man. He is still paralyzed. He hits a wall. Meanwhile, the Bank of Springfield is being robbed. Homer flies past and hits them.]

Robber: He's got the proportionate strength of a paralyzed spider.


 * [The robbers begin to run off, but Homer hits them as he flies past.]

Other robber: Forget paying for my kid's operation, I'm outta here.


 * [Homer farts out a web to cover the robbers. Chief Wiggum, Eddie and Lou walk up to the scene.]

Chief Wiggum: They say no two ass webs are the same. Beautiful in its way.


 * [Cut to Homer in his costume, hanging in an alley. Marge walks up to him and feels him up.]

Marge: Wanna go home and celebrate?


 * [Homer farts. Marge jumps on to him, and they fly away in to the distance.]

Marge: Woah!


 * [They fly past the Rest Home for Cast of "Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark".]

Man: I wish I could move like him.


 * [End scene.]


 * [Title: DIAL D FOR DIDDLY]


 * [Ned Flanders is driving.]

Ned Flanders: Springfield - my home town. Pretty little place. Although even if the Garden of Eden could use a nice cleansing rain now and then.


 * [Flanders stops at the traffic lights. Mrs. Muntz walks up to Ned's car.]

Mrs. Muntz: Hey, whiskers, wanna party?

Flanders: Spend less time on your back, and more time on your knees. [drives off]

Mrs. Muntz: Have I lost my back alley beauty? Well, those that can't do, teach.


 * [Mrs. Muntz walks to the Yale School of Prostitution. Cut back to Flanders driving.]

Flanders: No more distractions. I have work to do.


 * [Cut to Flanders waking up. He prays, then later he places a pillow, as if to quieten someone, but the pillow turns out to be for "The Evening Snooze". He then pulls string, as if to choke someone, but is tightening the knot on his, presumeably, washing bag. Red liquid spills. Zoom out to see Ned spreading "jelly" on one half of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. He holds up a knife-like thing, then brings it down to place in his shoe, so he can get it in properly. He then places masking tape over something, which turns out to be a box entitled "Old clothes for the poor". Flanders is then holding his hands up, praying. Zoom out to see him holding up a dead body's arms. The rest of the body is in a bag, probably the same one as before, which is where Flanders places the arms. He throws the bag out to sea. Cut to Mr. Burns about to dump waste in Springfield Lake. When he sees the sign stating a $10,000 fine for dumping waste, he checks if he has the money, then throws the money in the lake. Flanders is watching from afar.]

Flanders: [voiceover] All these years I thought murder was a sin. Then I got new instructions from the good lord Himself's favorite language - English.

God: Slay Montgomery Burns and pee in his ashes!

Flanders: Are you sure, Lord?

God: If you're having trouble with the second part, drink a lot of water. Now I've got to go. A hip-hop star is taking me at the VMA.


 * [Flanders goes behind Mr. Burns and cuts his head off, and throws it in the lake. A third eye grows on his head. He cuts all of his limbs off. Cut to Ned at church.]

Flanders: [voiceover] And so white bread Ned became the avenging sword of the Lord.


 * [Pan to Snake stealing a painting. He walks past Ned, disguised as a statue of David. Ned throws the rock at him, splattering blood everywhere. Cut to Ned at home, in front of a painting of The Last Supper.]

Flanders: Peter, Andrew, James the Greater, the Lesser, John, Phillip, Thaddeus.


 * [The painting opens to reveal weapons.]

Flanders: Heavenly father, I--

God: Quiet, you! Your next divine whackjob is a twofer. I command you to kill Patty and Selma Bouvier.

Flanders: Patty and Selma? Sure, they smoke, and they don't shave much of anything, but do they deserve to die?

God: Do not question me, a star of the Bible.


 * [Zoom out to Homer speaking in to a microphone attached to a Voice Changer, watching Ned. He is actually "God".]

Homer: Now, on a non-murder-related note, I want you to find out what's making that funny noise in Homer Simpson's car. It's uhh, you know, it's a "chigga-chigga-chigga-chigga", but you only hear it when you're driving over 30, and you ''never' hear it when you take it to the shop.


 * [Cut back to Ned, Homer is speaking out of Ned's bible, unknowingly to Ned, disguised as God.]

God: Then, it sounds perfect!

Ned: Yes, lord!


 * [Cut back to Homer. Marge walks in.]

Marge: Homer, have you notice how many of your enemies have died lately? Mr. Burns? Sideshow Bob?

Homer: You forgot Patty and Selma. Oh, wait, that hasn't happened yet.

Marge: Patty and Selma? Who's next, Ned Flanders?

Homer: Now how would that work?

Marge: Huh?


 * [Cut to Patty and Selma driving along. They stop at a bundle of "Free Cigarettes". Ned pushes a rock over, and it crushes them before Selma can step out of the car. Ned holds up a sign saying "Iddily Diddly", then imitates Road Runner and runs off.]


 * [Cut to Homer speaking in to his Voice Changer, still fooling Ned.]

Homer: OK, stupid Flanders, first, I want you to kill that guy at the ice cream parlor that gave Homer Simpson and cone that had a little air in it.

Ned: [through Voice Changer] Really?

Homer: Come on! God does crazy things! Check your Old Testament!

Bart: Hey, dad.

Homer: Hey, Bart. [Homer realizes his mistake] I mean, Jesus. [covers microphone] Son, want Flanders to kill anybody? He's totally in my power.

Bart: Well, there's a tall boy in front of me in class, so I can't see the board.

Homer: And I sayeth unto you, slay every tall boy in town!


 * [Homer and Bart high-five. Flanders walks in to the room.]

Ned: Homer Simpson! [Homer screams] You made a killer out of me!

Homer: Yeah, and what are you gonna do about it?

Ned: I'm going to kill you! [Homer screams] Because of you I'm going to Hell!

Homer: Language!

Ned: Hell! Damn! Backside! Nothin' matters anymore, I'm going down and my hand basket seats too.

Homer: Pfft, wake up, Flanders. There is no Hell. And there is no God. If there were, would he let me do this?


 * [Homer grabs Ned's Bible and begins to burn it. The walls crack, and the ground shakes. God lifts off the roof.]

God: Why you little.


 * [God chokes Homer, and he dies. Marge walks in.]

Marge: [gasp] What happened?

God: Uhh, Flanders killed Homer.

Ned: But, but..

Marge: But you're God! Couldn't you make everything the way it was?

God: Well, I could, but the big man downstairs wouldn't like it.


 * [The Devil appears from flames.]

The Devil: [points to God] Get me a coffee!

God: Yes, sir. [leaves, then returns with a coffee]


 * [The Devil sips the coffee, then heats it with a flame.]

Ned: Could this get any worse?


 * [Maude, Ned's deceased wife, appears as the wife of the Devil.]

Maude: Honey, come back to bed.

Ned: Oh, for crying out loud.


 * [End scene.]


 * [Title: IN THE NA'VI]


 * [As a plane lands on an alien planet, Gary Chalmers walks in in a big, robotic suit.]

Gary Chalmers: People, you are on the most inhospitable planet in the galaxy. Extreme temperatures, vicious indigenous life forms. Are there any questions?


 * [Cletus Spuckler puts his hand up.]

Chalmers: Yes.

Cletus Spuckler: Are we in Kansas anymore?

Chalmers: No.

Brandine Del Roy: Well, are we in Nebraska?

Chalmers: No. We are not in any state.

Cletus: Oh, oh, is it Michigan?

Chalmers: [sigh] Nobody talk anymore. You will now direct your attention to our CEO, Mr. Krusty the Clown.


 * [Zoom round to a TV screen.]

Krusty the Clown: We are here on the facacta planet for one reason, Hillarium. [points to a hologram] Spray this in an audience, and they'll laugh at anything, and I need some now! Gotta play a Nazi party rally. Oh yeah, they're back.


 * [The TV powers off.]

Chalmers: Our spies will go planet-side, locate said Hillarium, and contact us so that we may begin extraction. This is a delicate mission that requires utter loyalty. I can think of no better candidate, than the resentful guy in the wheelchair who has just arrived.


 * [Bart wheels in in a wheelchair.]

Chalmers: Yes, I think this is going to work out just fine.


 * [Cut to Bart getting in a machine, Lisa is operating it.]

Lisa: All strapped in?

Bart: Yep.

Lisa: Now prepare to take an incredible journey across the room.


 * [Bart goes through a vortex-like thing. Otto floats past.]

Otto: Yo.


 * [Bart wakes up, lying down. He realises he's an alien.]

Bart: Woah-ho-ho-ho, check out this bitchin' bod'! Oh man, if I could just have five minutes alone with my old bullies.

Jimbo Jones: Hey, abat-turd.


 * [Bart turns around to see his three old bullies are also aliens.]

Bart: Are you guys gonna beat me up?

Dolph Starbeam: Nah, we can't

Kearney Zzyzwicz: These Avatar 80 billion dollars each

Jimbo: But your human body costs nothing.


 * [The bullies open the machine and beat up Bart's human body. Kearney throws a live skunk in, and Jimbo sucks a cigar, then breaths the smoke in there, before shutting it. They all laugh.]


 * [Cut to Milhouse and Bart sitting on flying monsters. Bart is struggling to take control of his.]

Bart: Come on, let's bond, you stupid jerk.

Milhouse Van Houten: That's a Japanese outlet, Bart, you need an adapter.


 * [Milhouse passes Bart an adapter. Bart plugs it in, only succeeding with electrocuting and killing his monster.]

Bart: Oh, maybe I'll just take a taxi.

Taxi driver: Where you go? Where you go? No meter it's cheaper, yeah?

Bart: No thanks.

Taxi driver: Suit yourself, you one-eyed bastard.


 * [Bart sticks his rude finger up at the taxi driver as he flies away. He walks over to something that looks like a banana tree]

Bart: Oh, the only thing that looks good on the planet is the bananas.


 * [He picks a banana off, only to be swallowed by it.]

Bart: Ay caramba!


 * [Kamala screams a battle cry, then shoots the banana-creature with a dart, causing it to spit Bart out. Kamala hits a tree, and rolls down it, landing next to Bart.]

Bart: Thanks, dude.


 * [Kamala is speaking loudly.]

Kamala: I am a female.

Bart: [yells] You don't have to yell!

Kamala: I am not yelling, this is my seductive voice. I am called Kamala.


 * [The two shake tentacles.]

Milhouse: Oh, even when we're monsters, he gets the girl. [kicks a rock]

Kamala: Fool, every part of this world is alive. Apologize to Sister Rock.

Milhouse: [picks some flowers] Sorry, Sister Rock.

Kamala: Now you've murdered our brothers, the flowers.


 * [Milhouse hugs a tree and hits his head against it.]

Milhouse: Stupid, stupid--

Kamala: Now you're having sex with Uncle Tree. Thank the Almighty Fungus you are wiser, and cuter than your friend.

Bart: Hey, what gives, man?

Kamala: And now let us touch testicles and mate for life.

Bart: Don't you mean tentacles?

Kamala: I know what I said.

Bart: Ay caramba!


 * [Kamala puts her arms around Bart, and he goes back in to the vortex. Hyman Krustofsky floats past.]

Hyman Krustofsky: Today, you are a man. Mazel tov!


 * [Cut to night time, Kamala and Bart have just had sex.]

Bart: So, was it OK?

Kamala: It was serviceable.

'Bart: [sigh] Boy, back on Earth we don't have so many moons.

Kamala: What do you mean, "back on Earth"?

Bart: Uh, it's a place on the other side of this planet that's very rainy so you can only see one moon. You know, like Portland.

Kamala: I never hear of this "port land", but on Rigel 7, lack of eye contact and too many details indicate the telling of truth. I love you, sugar slime.


 * [A mouth comes out of Kamala's eye, and begins kissing Bart.]

Bart: Man, you are full of surprises.


 * [Cut to Bart sitting by a lake.]

Bart: I can't believe I'm getting combat pay for this.


 * [Kang, Kodos and Kamala walk in.]

Kang or Kodos: Well done, young man, our daughter is with child.

Kang or Kodos: Here, feel the wonder of 1 million fetuses.


 * [Places Bart's hand on Kamala's stomach.]

Bart: Urgh, you said you were using birth control! That only keeps me from giving birth while we are having sex.


 * [Cut to Milhouse, Bart, Kamala, Kang and Kodos walking up a slope.]

Milhouse: How do those mountains float?

Kang or Kodos: They don't, they are falling.

Kang or Kodos: Now that Kamala has a slug in the oven, we must make sure she gets her daily dose of Hillarium.

Kang or Kodos: Without it, her crankiness will become unbearable.

Kang or Kodos: Unfortunately, our environment is too hostile to grow pickles.

Kang or Kodos: And the only flavor ice cream we have is butter brickle.

Kang or Kodos: To repeat, no pickles, butter brickle.

Kang or Kodos: It is the Rigellian way.

Bart: So where can I load up on this Hillarium?

Kang or Kodos: Listen closely. [yells] The Hillarium is found in the sacred secretions of the Queen.


 * [Cut to the Rigellian queen secreting Hillarium from her mouth. Other Rigellians are drinking it. Milhouse calls Gary Chalmers.]

Milhouse: We have located the Hillarium, lock in on my signal.


 * [Bart knocks Milhouse's phone away.]

Bart: Traitor. How dare you betray I got laid on.


 * [The ground rumbles, as the army is coming. Gary Chalmers is in his suit on the back of a four-wheel drive driven by Seymour Skinner.]

Chalmers: They're all in one place, let's fry these calamari and dip 'em in a sauce made of their own blood.

Seymour Skinner: And wine, from their own grapes.

Chalmer: That's not so bad.

Skinner: It's.. a little bad.


 * [The army begins shooting everywhere. The Rigellians are no match with their primitive weapons.]

Bart: So Kamala, where do we keep all our tanks and planes and stuff?

Kamala: We have no tanks. Our planet will protect us.

Bart: Oh, man, you sound like my art teacher. Look a little like her, too.


 * [The animals of the planet begin fighting, starting to overthrow the humans.]

Bart: I guess this is a good time to tell you I've been a double agent all this time. But now I am totally on your side.

Kamala: And this is a good time to tell you, I have space warts, and I got them from Milhouse.


 * [Cut to Chalmers fighting a monster resembling a bulldozer.]

Chalmers: Time for a good, old-fashioned, servo suit bulldozer-saurus fight.


 * [He climbs up a larger servo suit, and begins to control it. The "bulldozer-saurus" climbs in to a massive replica of itself. It is much larger than Chalmers.]

Chalmers: Damn it.

Bart: Yo, Colonel, you got some shmoots on your cheek.

Chalmers: Where, here?


 * [Reaches to clean his face, knocking himself backwards, off the cliff.]

Chalmers: Skinner!!


 * [The Rigellians are walking through the battlefield, successful.]

Kamala: Had they asked for the Hillarium, we would have simply have given it to them. In Rigellian, there is no word for "yours" or "mine".

Kang or Kodos: That's the reason we didn't enjoy the movie, Yours, Mine and Ours.


 * [Zoom out, the curtains close. Lisa walks in.]

Lisa: Halloween is over, which means, America, it's time to start your Christmas shopping, and fuse our stagnant economy with dollars we don't really have.


 * [Bart walks in, as a Rigellian, and takes off his head, to reveal his normal head.]

Bart: And, whatever you do, avoid the urge to make homemade gifts.


 * [Marge and Maggie walk in, the latter pushing Homer.]

Marge: Knitting one sweater for someone costs 27 Americans their jobs.


 * [Moe walks in, along with several others from this year's Treehouse of Horror, as well as others.]

Moe Szyslak: And don't forget, Christmas is a wonderful time to take up alcoholism. Come on, you see your family all year round, the holidays are for your bartender. [laughs]


 * [Christmas music plays, as everyone waves goodbye. Soon, Grampa walks in, in a black dress.]

Grampa Simpson: When are we doing the Black Swan?


 * [Everyone looks away. Credits roll, with the Christmas music playing once more.]