Homer Alone/Quotes

Mom, Bart's making faces at me. It's a nervous twitch, and I'm a little sensitive about it, if you don't mind.
 * [Bart resumes making faces.]

Mom! Bart is still making faces at me!
 * [Car arrives at Springfield Elementary.]

[deep, possessed voice] Kids, out!


 *  [ Springfield Nuclear Power Plant. Homer and his coworkers are watching news of the traffic pileup in the employees' lounge.]

The Springfield Causeway has been backed up by a motorist who blocked both lanes and refused to move. We believe this is the action of a stressed out housewife. Those stories always crack me up. What is the matter, sweetheart? Not enough getting enough of the good stuff in the bedroom?
 * [Car window rolls down, revealing the motorist as Marge.]

D'oh!

This is Coma - WKOMA, restful, easy listening. Coming up next, a super set of songs about clouds.

I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such movies as Today We Kill, Tomorrow We Die and Gladys the Groovy Mule. But today you'll see me in my greatest role - your video tour guide to Rancho Relaxo!

Thanks again for taking the children while I'm away. Don't worry yourself. We've got six months of maternity leave we're never going to use anyway.


 * [After arrest, where Marge had been convinced by Homer to surrender to the police on account of he will work out whatever problems she had. Now they are in their bedroom.]

Welp, all is well that ends well.
 * [Homer falls asleep, Marge gives her signature annoyed grunt. Unable to sleep, she watches TV. A commercial shows a Spanish conquistador exploring land.]

Many years ago, Spanish conquistadors explored this land. They found: the Rancho Relaxo.
 * [Conquistador is then shown doing activities such as playing tennis with 20th Century women. He is then shown drinking a margarita in a jacuzzi and covering his eyes with his helmet to keep out sunlight.]

We have many activities. Swim, play tennis, or just sit and stare at the walls. At Rancho Relaxo, you are the boss.
 * [Marge jostles Homer awake.]

I need to unwind. I know you do, Marge, but come on, you know what our vacations are like. Those three monsters in the back seat: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? And let's face it; I'm no day at the beach either: Marge, can I have another sandwich? Marge, can I have another sandwich?

She's locked in the car and refuses to move. Did you flash your lights? Yes. Well, I'm fresh out of ideas.

This is Arnie Pie with Arnie in the Sky. We've got big problems on the Springfield Memorial Bridge, people. Traffic going waaaay back in both directions. And look out at the corner of 14th and Elm, because I just dropped my bagel.


 * [Before Homer takes Marge to the train station for her vacation, he takes the kids to Patty and Selma's. However, Maggie is being fussy with Marge.]

Maggie doesn't want to leave the house. Wish I had thought of that one. Looks like only Lisa and Bart will be staying at their aunts' house. Homer, you are going to have to watch over Maggie. Probably will trade her for a beer and a Playboy.

Come on kids! Time to rub Aunt Patty's feet!
 * [Bart and Lisa shudder.]

Lisa, you sleep with your Aunt Patty. Bart, you sleep in my bed.
 * [Selma departs room.]

Oh my goodness! You think you know fear? I've seen them naked!
 * [Bart quivers in shock.]


 * [Maggie is crying and unable to understand why only Homer comes to her crib.]

Hi Maggie. You are probably wondering why your mother is not here. Well, Mommy went cuckoo and needs to go away for a while. She will back soon. Until then, it is just you and me.
 * [Homer takes a family picture of the Simpsons, then obscures Marge, Bart and Lisa with his fingers, leaving visible only himself holding Maggie.]

You and me.

Hey Barney, thanks for coming over. I am sorry we could not go out but I have to look after the baby while Marge is gone. No problem Homer, I can hold her for a bit.
 * [Barney cradles Maggie.]

Uh oh! I smell a stinky! Oh wait... it is me.