Weekend at Burnsie's/Quotes

I've tried heckling them, I've tried jeckling them, it's time I made myself a scarecrow.

Say doctor, can you do something about my searing pain? Well, there is a medication, although it's a little... controversial. Does it go in the butt? I'm talkin' about medicinal marijuana. Prescription pot. Texas T-H-C. Look, man. I don't do drugs. Homer, for your eyes, the best tonic is chronic.

For me, the sixties ended that day in nineteen seventy-eight.

Okay, let's see: "Toke as needed. Caution: objects may appear more edible than they actually are."

[on phone] Hello? Marge, I just realized: I am the "ow" in the word "now". And if you tell anyone... Honey, I like it when you call, but we just talked five minutes ago. Hang on, I've got call waiting. [click] Hello? Hey, it's me. I got Marge on the other line and she is totally bumming me out. Hmmmm.

Hidilly-hey, Homer! Oh my God, this dude does the best Flanders! You got the mustache and the didilly... Okay, now do Wiggum. [chuckles nervously] Homer, i-i-it's me, Ned. Oh-ho-ho-ho right, the God dude. Hey, I got a question for you. "Could Jesus microwave a burrito so hot, that He Himself could not eat it?" Well, sir, of course He could... but then again... Wow, as melon-scratchers go, that's a honey-doodle.

Oops! I thought this was the can, man. [giggles] Well, you're a Happy Homer. What's your name, young man? You just said it! [laughs hard] Well, if you liked that, listen to this: "Working hard... or hardly working?" [laughs uncontrollably] Smithers, you could learn a thing or two from this braying moron. Young man, I'm making you my executive vice president. Sir, I believe that position was informally promised to me... Oh Smithers, I would have said anything to get your stem cells. Now, welcome aboard. [touches Burns' face] You're covered with a very fine fuzz.

Homer, it's over. I want you to look at your children and promise them you will never do drugs again. All right. I'll do it for my kids. As long as you're doin' things for me, would you tie up your bathrobe when you walk around the house. Never!

Look, I, I'm really glad you're off the wacky tobacky. Yeah, you were gettin' all spacey and everything. We were gonna have an intervention. Yeah, but at the planning party I got alcohol poisoning. Heh. I nearly died.
 * [Moe, Carl and Lenny laugh.]

I was already makin' excuses not to go to your funeral.

It's been three days. And my mind is clearer, my sperm count is up, and I'm able to recognize simple shapes and patterns. Dad, you just said that three minutes ago.

Oh, man. Oh, man. We killed Mr. Burns. Mr. Burns is gonna be so mad.

So when somebody says I was an embarrassment to the country, I say it depends on what the meaning of "was" is, jerk. You owe me two hundred thousand dollars. Goodnight, everybody! Bill Clinton, everyone! He's Jimmy Carter with a Fox attitude.