Selma's Choice/Quotes

Come to Duff Gardens, where roaming gangs aren't a big problem anymore!

Now what do we say when we get to the ticket booth? We're under six. And I'm a college student!

Kids, I have some bad news. I'm afraid your great-aunt Gladys has... passed on. Gladys, Gladys... big puffy hair, about yea high, big dent in forehead? No... Gladys looked more like your Aunt Patty. [thinks for a moment; then shudders] Oh yeah, there she is.

The funeral is in Littleneck Falls. We'll have to go to Duff Gardens another day. I understand. No use complaining about something you can't change. [whining] But I wanna go to Duff Gardens. Right now! Homer, quit pouting. I'm not pouting. I'm mourning. Stupid dead woman.

On top of Spaghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meatball... If you don't mind, we're on our way to a funeral! Ding-dong the witch is dead.. Which old witch? The wicked witch! Homer!

I can't believe Aunt Gladys is really gone. Her legend will live forever. Yeah. The legend of the dog-faced woman. Legend of the dog-faced woman! Oh, that's good! HOMER! Wha--? D'oh!

Patty, Selma, I'm sorry. [hugs them] He's hugging us. What do we do? Just close your eyes and think of MacGyver.

Can we please stop somewhere? My butt's asleep.


 * [At Aunt Gladys' funeral, Lisa goes up to the casket.]

Goodbye Great Aunt Gladys. I'm sorry I didn't get to know you better. [in a raspy voice from behind the casket] Don't worry about it.
 * [Lisa runs away screaming; Bart laughs.]

Hi, I'm Lionel Hutz, executor of Gladys Bouvier's estate. She left a video will, so I earn my fee simply by pressing this "Play" button. Pretty sweet, eh?

I would like to begin by reading a passage from Robert Frost. "Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and... [Homer fast-forwards the tape] Homer! All in favor of skipping the poem? [everyone but Marge raises their hands] Thank you. [continues fast-forwarding]

Now let's get down to business. [Voice changes to Lionel Hutz] To my executor, Lionel Hutz, I leave $50,000. MR. HUTZ! You'd be surprised how often that works, you really would!

To Marge, I leave my potato chips that resemble celebrities. They're all here: Otto von Bismarck, Maurice Chevalier, right down to Jay Leno. These chips were my children. Marjorie, take special care of them. [eats the chips, and looks at them] Uh oh. [continues to eat them]

To my sister Jackie, I leave my pet Iguana, Jub-Jub. Why didn't she just leave me the bowel obstruction that killed her?

Aunt Gladys was right. There's something missing in our lives. Don't worry. We'll get that barking dog record tomorrow.


 * [after a poor date with Hans Moleman]

Get out of my car. [drives off] This isn't my house.

Selma! You're back from your date already? Yeah. I was so upset I ate a jar of expired olives. [sighs] I guess I'll never have a baby. Aunt Selma, this may seem a little presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination? [laughs] I don't know. You gotta be pretty lame to make it with a robot. [Marge whispers in his ear] I knew that.

"101 Frozen Pops." [turns the page] A Nobel Prize Winner! An NBA All-Star! Ooh, one of the Sweathogs. I checked. It's not Horshack.

[after seeing Homer extremely sick in bed] Oh, man, Dad's dead.

[to Selma] I want to thank you for taking care of the kids on such short notice. We'll have fun, won't we kids? To get to Duff Gardens, I'd ride with Satan himself. That's the spirit.

[reading from the pamphlet] The Duff Beer-amid contains so much aluminum it would take five men to lift it. 22 immigrant laborers died during its construction. Eh, there's plenty more where that came from.

Four score and seven years ago, our forefathers brewed refreshing drink from hops and barley. [drinks his Duff and starts beatboxing] We-e-ll, I'm Rappin' A.B. and I'm here to say,if you want to drink beer, well Duff's the only way! I said the only way! Break down! [crushes a beer can on his head]

This is a disgrace. Settle down. Anything this bad has to be educational. ''Bart! Let's see if they wore underwear back then. Ahh! [robot Washington glances evilly behind Bart, his pupils become crimson]

[reading] "Beer Goggles: See life through the eyes of a drunk." [puts them on; Selma becomes a foxy lady] Wow! You're charming the pants off of me. [removes his glasses] What did you say, Aunt Selma? I said take off those damn glasses!

[to Homer] You know, I rented another movie, in case you felt better. [hands it to him] "The Erotic Adventures of Hercules". With Norman Fell as Zeus. Woo-hoo!

They're all around me... no way out... Hahaha-hahi – No way out, I tell you! What's wrong? Er, you just put your head right here... Grrrrrrrrrrr— AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!! Ha-ha! Ha-hih!

Can't ya do something?! Hey, Surly only looks out for one guy – ''Surly! Hm, sorry, Surly. Shut up.

Don't blame these kids, it's not their fault. I think their father's missing a chromosome.

[with Lisa, who is covered with a towel and acting jittery] We found this one swimming naked in the Fermentarium. [raises her arms] I am the Lizard Queen!

Come to Homercles! [laughs] I can't, the beans'll burn. Homercles cares not for beans! [lifts up Marge on her shoulder]

Hi, kids, how was Duff Gardens? Can't talk, coming down. [takes some pills]

Oh, Jub-Jub. When I went to pick him up, Mom was trying to stab him with a hat pin.