Itchy & Scratchy: The Movie/Quotes

Now be good for Grampa while we're at the parent-teacher meeting. We'll bring back dinner. What are we gonna have? Well, that depends on what your teachers say. If you've been good, pizza. If you've been bad... uh... let's see... poison. What if one of us has been good and one of us has been bad? Poison pizza. Oh, no! I'm not making two stops!

Bart has been guilty of the following atrocities: synthesizing a laxative from peas and carrots, replacing my birth control with Tic Tacs...

You must have read to her at a young age. I did! I did read to her! [flashback to Homer reading to baby Lisa] 8:00, Happy Days. The Fonz, Henry Winkler, is worried he's losing his cool.

Well, I've always been a firm believer in the three R's: Reading TV Guide, um... Writing to TV Guide, um... and Renewing TV Guide.

"My child is on the honor roll at Springfield Elementary." You know, I thought I'd never find a replacement for my "Where's the Beef?" bumper sticker.

Boy, time really flies when you're reading... [sees what he's holding the Bible!? Ewww....

I believe that with persistent discipline, even the poorest student can end up becoming, oh, say, Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. Chief Justice of the Supreme Court. What great men he would join: John Marshall, Charles Evans Hughes, Warren Berger... Mmmmmmm... Berger...

If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home. You already put me in a home. Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on 60 Minutes! [meekly] I'll be good.

[to Bart] Young man, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, then he gets to break yours. Aw, this is gonna be sweet.

Boy, you're gonna have to be punished for this. Dad, you could punish me, but that means you have to think of a punishment, sit here and make sure I do it... [whining] Aw... Or... you could let me go play with Milhouse, while you spend the afternoon watching unpredictable Mexican sitcoms.


 * [turns on the TV and "Bumble-Bee Man" is on]

Hee hee hee. Run along, you little scamp.

[to Bart] I said I'm gonna punish you and come hell or high water I.. wait a minute. [hears ice cream truck] Ice cream truck! Me, me, I was here first!

Someday you'll thank me for this, son. Not bloody likely. No it's true, You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. The doctor thought I might have brain damage. Dad, what's the point of this story? I like stories.

You're welcome to watch anything you want on TV. TV Sucks. I know you're upset right now so I'll pretend you didn't say that!

Do you want your son to grow up to be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court or a sleazy male stripper? Can't he be both like the late Earl Warren? Earl Warren wasn't a stripper! Now who's being naive?

Tonight on "Eye on Springfield", we meet a man who's been hiccupping for 45 years! [hic!] Kill me! [hic!] Kill me!

Let's take a look back at the year 1928. A year when you might have seen Al Capone dancing the Charleston on top of a flagpole. It was also the year of the very first Scratchy cartoon entitled "That Happy Cat." The film did very poorly, but the following year, Scratchy was teamed up with a psychotic young mouse named Itchy and cartoon history was made.

Bart, didn't I ask you to watch Maggie? Sounds like something you'd say.

[running off with a VCR] Oh, no! Beta!

Aw, isn't that cute, a baby driving a car. Oh, look there's a dog driving a bus!

[about Bart] He has the demented melancholy of a Tennessee Williams heroine! Don't you think I know that?

Are you kidding? Lisa turned out perfect! I wont sit here and listen to you badmouthing Lisa! We're talking about Bart. Oh. That guy.

I've seen the Itchy and Scratchy Movie 13 times. I've seen it 17 times! You must be getting pretty tired of that movie by now, huh? No one who saw the movie'd say that! Let's get him!

Dad, you and your stories. "Bart broke my teeth", "The nurses are stealing my money", "This thing on my neck is getting bigger."

[in the future, seeing the "Itchy & Scratchy" movie with an elderly Homer] One senior citizen and one Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

Mmm... Soylent Green.

Which one's the mouse? Itchy. Itchy's a jerk. Yeah.


 * [Grandpa sneaks into Jasper's bedroom and steals his teeth.]

[Points gun at Grandpa] Well, well, well, if it isn't the tooth fairy.