Grampa vs. Sexual Inadequacy/Quotes

"Mom, Dad, I saw a UFO!"
 * [Reaches for light switch]

"Don't turn on that light! Don't turn on that light!"

Mom! Dad! Look, this biography of Peter Ueberroth is only 99 cents. And I found the new Al Gore book. [holds it up] [reading the cover] Sane Planning, Sensible Tomorrow. Yeah, I hope it's as exciting as his other book, Rational Thinking, Reasonable Future.

Homer, wake up! Wake up! Wha? We need to talk about the...marital difficulties we've been having lately. Marge, there's just too much pressure, what with my job, the kids, traffic snarls, political strife at home and abroad. But I promise you, the second all those things go away, we'll have sex. I simply can't wait that long. Maybe we should get some help... how about a book? [excited] Ooh, OK! A tasteful book. [unexcited] Oh, all right.

Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife? Nevermind, you wouldn't understand. Flu? No. Protein deficiency? No. Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis? No. Unsatisfying sex life? N- yes. But please, don't you say that word. What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Kids! Here's $50, why not go to the movies, then take a cab to your aunts' house? Stay there, phone call you later. Now, now, now!

Ooh, mama! This is finally, really happening. After years of disappointment with get-rich-quick schemes, I know I'm gonna get rich with this scheme... and quick!

Here he is: and  rolled into one. Ooh, hmm. That tonic really works—you and Grampa should bottle it and go into business together.

You want me to spend more time with Dad? What about my New Year's resolution? You can make a lot of money... Yeah! Where are my pants? You threw them out the window in a fit of passion. You said you were never going to need them again.

Step right up, folks, and witness the magnificent medicinal miracle of Simpson & Son's patented revitalizing toniiic. Put some ardor in your larder with our energizing, moisturizing, tantalizing, romanticizing, surprising, her-prizing, revitalizing tonic.

Tonight, we'll push the twin beds together... and I found something for Milhouse down at the mall, too: [hands it to him] A pup tent! Oh, boy! Now I can sleep out in the yard. Yeah! Every single night.

What's going on? Where are all the grown-ups? Who cares? With no adults, I run this city. [pauses, looks awkward] Um... carry on. [walks off] Listen to this: [reads] "Unexplainable behavior: individuals acting in a secretive fashion are often involved with UFOs or other paranormal phenomena, e.g., telephone explosions." Jeez... if it's in a book, it's gotta be true! Scary, no? [points at author's photo] And this guy's head of the Spaceology Department at the Correspondence College of Tampa! [walking up] Will you cook my dinner for me? My parents aren't around and I'm not allowed to turn on the stove.

Hurry up! We've got a lot of tonic to sell and a lot of towns to visit: Frigid Falls, Mount Seldom, Lake Flaccid... Great. I'm going to be stuck in the car all weekend with that wheezy windbag.

You're the worst shill I've ever seen! You're a disgrace to the medicine shill business. They didn't start chasing us until you turned on that getaway music! [turns radio playing banjo music off; banjo music stops]
 * [pickup full of hillbillies stops and turns around]

OK, it's not painfully clear the adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people. You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?
 * [he and Bart start wrestling]

Hey! Hey, hey, stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions? Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? "The simplest explanation is probably the correct one."

So what's the simplest explanation? I don't know. Maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark. Aah! Reverse vampires! Reverse vampires!

Hey, wait a minute! That's Amos Pearson's moose farm. Make a right here.
 * [Homer does so and they get out of the car.]

Ew! Why are we stopping at this dump? That's the house you grew up in, son. Wow. Let's go find that hot dog tree I planted. Yeah, we lived here 'til the bank foreclosed in '63. Farm went bust after the cows started giving sour milk. Something must have spooked 'em good.
 * [flashback to young Homer in the barn]

Nah, stupid cows! Nyah, nyeah, nyeah nyeah, nyeah! [flaps his tongue at them] Boo, boo, boo! Aah! Aah!

[points to old TV] There she is, the old Radiation King. You'd park yourself right there and watch for hours on end.
 * [Abe points out young Homer's shadow burned into the floor and wall. Flashback to Homer watching Kennedy on TV.]

If I may, Helen, I'd like to respond to that question with yet another flip remark. [reporters laugh and sigh] Wow. [walks into kitchen] Look at me, er, uh, Mom: I am, er, uh, President Kennedy. Oh, Abe. Maybe our Homer could grow up to be President some day. You, President? This is the greatest country in the world. We've got a whole system set up to prevent people like you from ever becoming president. Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!
 * [Back to the present.]

Quit your daydreaming, melonhead!

Dad, how come you never gave me any encouragement? Maybe I could have been something more than I am. Like a travel agent, to great scientist, or the inventor of a hilarious refrigerator alarm. Who are you to complain? You locked me up in a home and give me the same damn shower safety seat every Christmas.
 * [in the car]

Your whole life you never said one nice thing to me. That's 'cause you're a screw-up. You're the screw-up! Why you little... [strangles Homer] All right, all right. That's it: we're going home! I'm sick of you and your stupid tonic. If I hadn't taken that stupid tonic 38 years ago, you'd have never been born and I'd have been happy. You were an accident! [gasps, stops the car] Get out. I'm sorry I said that. Out. I'm going to get out of the car, and I hope you'll find it in your heart not to drive away... [Homer drives off] Well, I'll be all right as long as I can remember my army training. [later that night, he still stands there] Dang.

Homey, are you really going to ignore Grampa for the rest of your life. Of course not, Marge, just for the rest of his life. He said I was an accident...he didn't want to have me. You didn't want to have Bart. I know, but you're never supposed to tell the child. You tell Bart all the time! You told him this morning. But when I do it, it's cute.

The Rand Corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people... Thank you. ...under the supervision of the reverse vampires... [sighs] ...are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!

And just feast your ears on this tantalizing testimonial from my own flesh and blood, the son that puts the fun in Simpson & Son, my son, Barney! [walks out from behind a curtain] I used to be a fat, disgusting slob. [belches] That medicine seems to be giving your son a lot of gas. I assure you his belching is the result of an unrelated alcohol problem. Oh -- [collapses]

Kids, your daddy and his daddy are involved in a very [stares at Bart's candy bar] sticky, nutty, chewy, chocolatey-- Put it away, boy! -- situation.

No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting. But I'm using my whole ass. Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary. Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
 * [Homer gets in the car and drives off.]

I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking." That's what I assumed.

Dad! Son! I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. No, I'm a screw-up. I burned down our house. You know what? What? We're both screw-ups.