And Maggie Makes Three/Quotes


 * [Homer places Mr. Burns in a headlock and is parading him around the plant. He is playing the drums on Mr. Burns' head]

Way to go, Homer! Isn't Burns going to get mad that we are not coming to his aid? Nah, let Homer have his fun. Besides, he has got a good beat! I ought to be defending myself, but I am paralyzed with rage...and soothing island rhythms.


 * [Springfield Hospital. Marge is in labor with her third child. Homer is not bothering to hide his sarcasm]

[sarcastic tone] Oh wow, here it comes. It is magical, it is wonderful. Another mouth. One more push should do it. Marvelous.
 * [A baby cries once, then again]

Congratulations, Mr. Simpson: you have a beautiful, healthy baby. OK. [makes thumbs up sign]
 * [Maggie grabs the thumb with her tiny hand]

Huh? Homey, I think someone is saying "Hello". Hello. Aww, it's a boy... and what a boy! Er, that's the umbilical cord. It's a girl. A girl! Oh, Marge, we have a wonderful baby girl. Not just a girl -- the most beautiful baby girl in the whole world. [sighs] Come on, Marge, show a little enthusiasm.
 * [They kiss; Maggie shapes her lips like a kiss, then grabs a pacifier and sucks it]

We now return to "Knightboat: the Crime-Solving Boat". Faster, Knightboat! We gotta catch those starfish poachers. You don't have to yell, Michael, I'm all around you. Oh, no! They're headed for land. We'll never catch them now. Incorrect: look! A canal. Go, Knightboat, go! Oh, every week there's a canal. Or an inlet. Or a fjord. Quiet! I will not hear another word against the boat.

OK, TV off. It's family time. Oh, but Marge! Knightboat, the crime-solving boat. Homer, you promised. One night of family time a week. Besides, that backtalking boat sets a bad example. Says you, woman.

Homer, you should see a doctor. I don't think a healthy man can make that kind of smell.

Ah, another perfect day in my perfect life with my perfect job. [driving by] Hey, just heard the news over the squawk box. That's nice work, Homer. Thank you, thank you very much. It is nice work. Oh, Mr. Simpson, I have just heard about the little bundle of joy. Congratulations, sir! It's true, the bundle is little, but I'm not in it for the money. Hey, Homer! Way to get Marge pregnant! Haha... This is getting very abstract, but thank you, I do enjoy working at the bowling alley.
 * [Homer enters the house]

Hey, wait a minute... What are all these presents? It looks like you're showering Marge with gifts... hmm... With little tiny baby-sized gifts. Well, I'll be in the tub. By the way, congratulations on the new job, Homer. New job? Marge is pregnant!? Nooooooooo! Aahhhhhhh!

Why don't we all look at the photo album? So many memories. Aw, look... Knightboat. Aww… And here's our TV next to the mirror! It looks like we have two. Wow, two! Yeah, yeah, yeah, two. Let's get to the baby pictures. Aw, Mom!

Why aren't there any pictures of Maggie? Well I'm glad you asked. It's actually a very interesting story.
 * [Bart & Lisa groan.]

It all began about two years ago before Maggie was even born... Bart, you were Lisa's age and Lisa, you were... the age Bart was several years ago.

[looking at the photo album] Here's Bart sleeping. Here he is dozing... here he is after a visit from the sandman. Ooh, here's nappy time, Bart! Here's a cute one: he's all tuckered out.

So in a few months, both of you will have a brand new brother or sister. Been there, done that. I hope it's a girl. You know nothing about genetics, Lis; it goes boy, girl, boy, girl. You're worried about telling Dad, aren't you, Mom? Why do you say that? Well you've been in my room for about four hours now. Hey, I'm just hanging.

So, Dad, were you excited that Mom was pregnant? Actually, your mother hadn't told me. At that time I had no idea Maggie even existed. [he goes to sit down, right where Maggie is] Dad! [Marge grabs Maggie] Hi Maggie!

Oh, I hope I haven't upset you... bongo-head! [starts playing the bongos on Burns' head] Oh, I should be resisting this, but I'm paralyzed with rage... and island rhythms.
 * [Homer drives through the plant and everyone cheers as Homer continues playing.]

Yeah, way to play the boss's head like a bongo, Homer! He's getting a pretty good sound out of that guy.

But Homer, how are you going to make a living? Don't worry about Homer J. I've got a plan. A plan that'll fix you good! Hey, what did we do? Sorry, that just slipped out. [Hugs them] I'll miss you.

You're a pin-monkey? Wow! Finally I don't have to be ashamed of my father's job. I think it's romantic, throwing off the shackles of the workaday world and following a dream... of sorts. I don't know if it's such a good idea. Can we get by on a pin-monkey's salary? Don't worry, Marge, I've come up with a perfectly balanced budget. There will be exactly enough money for you, me, Bart, and Lisa, if we make a few small sacrifices. Uh huh... From now on, we use regular toilet paper, not that fancy quilted kind.
 * [Bart punches the wall.]

And only one of you kids can go to college. Fine.

Marge... Homer... [talking sly] I've got sand in my underpants. Me too. Let's go home.
 * [They leave; Homer runs back quickly to scoop more sand into his pants.]

Congratulations, Mrs. Simpson: you're pregnant. Mmm...
 * 'Dr. Hibbert: Am I to take it that this is [chuckles] an unwanted pregnancy?

Oh, no, no, not exactly. It's just that I haven't told Homer yet, and with his new job, I don't know how we're going to be able to afford this. Well, you know a healthy baby can bring upwards of $60,000.
 * Marge:' What?!

Well, of course, that was just a test. Er, had you reacted differently, you'd be in jail right now. Simply a test. [laughs uncomfortably]

Homey, I... Can't talk, praying. Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me and I am thankful. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. Mmm. So here's the deal: you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. [brief pause] OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign. [brief pause] Thy will be done!

Wow, Dad, you really threw a tantrum like a little sissy girl? Oh, just that one time. Actually, when I was about to have Bart... [in flashback] You're pregnant?! [pulls hair, screams] [in the present] And then when I told him about Lisa... [in flashback] You're pregnant again?! [pulls hair, screams, runs off]

Thanks for giving me my old job back. I'm afraid it's not that simple. As punishment for your desertion, it's company policy to give you the plague. Uh, sir, that's the plaque. Ah yes, the special demotivational plaque to break what's left of your spirit. Because, you see, you're here forever.
 * [Smithers screws a "Don't forget: you're here forever" plaque into the wall.]

Don't forget: you're here forever!