El Viaje Misterioso de Nuestro Jomer/Quotes


 * [In the Simpson house, Marge has been acting strangely all morning: Cutting things out of the newspaper, running the vacuum cleaner during Homer's phone conversation with Lenny (which keeps him from hearing about something big and annual), and now smoking a cigarette. Homer is suspicious when she doesn't want him to open the front door to let fresh air into the house.]

What's wrong with you? What are you trying to hide from me? [opens the front door and sniffs] What's that smell? Onions... chili powder... cumin... juicy ground chuck? Oh, my God, I'm missing the Chili Cook-Off! [whining and fidgeting] I'm missing the Cook-Off, it's going on right now, and I'm missing it! All right! I was trying to keep it from you! But I had a good reason. Every time you go to that Cook-Off you get as drunk as a poet on payday!
 * [Flashback to last year's Chili Cook-Off. People are shocked as a naked Homer is cavorting in the cotton candy machine.]

[drunk, slurred speech] Look at me! I'm a puffy pink cloud!
 * [Return to present.]

Well, of course everything looks bad when you remember it!


 * [Homer interrupts Marge while she's looking at Lenny's crafts booth.]

Maaaaaarrge! We're missing the chili! Less artsy, more fartsy! Homer, I happen to like handicrafts much more than stuffing my face. Fine, I'll come find you when I'm ready to stop having fun.


 * [While Homer goes to the chili, Marge takes in the square dancing. Smithers approaches her.]

Evenin', little lady. Ya reckon a square could get a dance? It looks so complicated. Do you know how? Ma'am, I wouldn't honk the honk if I couldn't tonk the tonk.

That Homer Simpson! He thinks he is the Pope of Chilitown!


 * [Homer's first taste of Chief Wiggum's chili burns his mouth due to Wiggum's including a bunch of Guatemalan Insanity Peppers in his recipe. Homer returns with his mouth protected by candle wax, then casually gulps down several of the peppers while a shocked crowd watches.]

Good Lord, this can't be happening! By all medical logic, steam should be shooting out of his ears. His ears if we're lucky!

[hallucinating due to the peppers] I hope I didn't brain my damage.

There is a lesson you must learn. If it's about laying off the insanity peppers, I'm way ahead of you.


 * [The next morning, Homer wakes up on a golf course and attempts to rationalize his chili hallucination.]

Huh? Golf course? Did I dream that whole thing? Maybe the desert was just this sand trap. Oh, and I bet that crazy pyramid was just the pro shop. [the pro shop is shaped like a giant pyramid] And that talking coyote was really just a talking dog. Hi, Homer. Find your soulmate! Hey, wait a minute! There's no such thing as a talking dog. [barks] Damn straight!


 * [In search for his soul mate, Homer calls a Personals ad.]

Hello? Is this ..uh... G B M? Uh, yeah. I read in the personals you were seeking a soulmate. Well, I also like rainy days and movies. Uh-huh... [apprehensively] uh, no, I don't like that... or that... No, it's not that I'm afraid. [now speaking very quickly] I'm gonna hang up now, bye-bye!


 * [In the lighthouse, Marge catches up to Homer and they patch up their differences.]

Wow, Marge, you really do understand me. See, I thought we weren't soulmates because... [completing Homer's sentence] We had a fight? Right, and we don't like the same things. It's like you're from Venus... And you're from Mars. Oh, sure, give me the one with all the monsters.

Hey Barney, soulmate! Let me buy you a beer. Okay, but I'm not your soulmate. I'm really more of a chum. What about you, Lenny? I'm a crony. Carl? I'd say acquaintance. Colleague. Sympathizer. Compadre. Associate. Contemporary. I'm a well-wisher, in that I don't wish you any specific harm.


 * [Homer is in the lighthouse, and his silhouette is being projected into the sky by the lighthouse's lamp.]

[looking out a window and seeing the silhouette] Hey, look! Is that Dad? Either that, or Batman's really let himself go!