Rome-Old and Juli-Eh/Quotes


 * Marge: You redid the basement!
 * Bart: Whoa... feel the pile on this shag! (he starts rubbing his face on the carpet) Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, baby!
 * Marge: Would you look at that paneling! I feel like I'm back in wooden times!
 * Lisa: Check out this pinball machine! Chevy Chase in "Foul Play".
 * Bart: Pinball, eh? I've always wanted to try this. (he starts playing the game) Wow, the graphics are amazing. That ball almost seems real!


 * Accountant: Mr. Simpson, among the expenses the court deems frivolous: you throw over one thousand dollars a month into local wishing wells.
 * Homer: Of course, you idiot, 'cause I'm wishing for more money.
 * Accountant: Uh-huh, well, you're going to have to make some serious cutbacks to your expenses. Three subscriptions to "Vanity Fair"?
 * Homer: I've got three bathrooms, don't I?
 * Accountant: Five hundred dollars a month to Totalpoker.com?
 * Marge: Shut up! It's an instructional website! Shut up!


 * Abraham Simpson: I don't wanna leave! You promised me I could die here!
 * Homer: No, no. This place is too expensive. I saw you doing a 500-piece jigsaw in there!


 * Marge: Grampa's driving me crazy!
 * Homer: Why are you telling me? He's your father-in-law.


 * Homer: What are you doing here, Patty or Selma?
 * Marge: I invited Selma here to watch Grampa watch the kids.
 * Selma: For some reason, she doesn't trust him. Maybe it's the bang-up job he did of raising you.
 * Homer: He was a great dad! Every year he got so mad when Santa didn't bring me presents!


 * Selma: I know what you're wondering: How come a single woman with so much to offer is alone on a Saturday night?
 * Grampa: I assumed you were resting up for bingo tomorrow, like me.
 * Selma: (groans) My numbers don't get called much these days.
 * Grampa: You're kiddin'. A sweet young thing like you?
 * Selma: Wow, that's the first time anyone's ever put an adjective before calling me a thing.


 * (Homer and Marge walk in on Grampa and Selma kissing)
 * Homer: Aah! A bear is eating my father!
 * Selma: I'm Selma!
 * Homer: Aah! A talking bear is eating my father!


 * Homer: Dad, do you know what you were kissing? Do you? Do you?
 * Grampa: Yeah, I know who I was kissing, and I also know why. I'm a little shaky on when and where, but I got my theories!


 * Bart: Now, we just have to figure out what to do with these boxes.
 * Lisa: As always, I have some ideas.
 * (she hands him a list)
 * Bart: Hmm... (laughs) Build a fart! Ha, ha, ha, ha, I love it!
 * Lisa: Fort. That's "build a fort".
 * Bart: That might work, too.


 * Grampa: At my age and with your drawbacks, we can't afford to miss an opportunity. Why don't we just spend time together and see where that takes us?
 * Selma: Yeah, what the hell. Wanna split a basket of garlic bread?
 * Grampa: Slow down, ya hussy!


 * Marge: Aww. Look at Grampa and Selma frolicking in the water.
 * Homer: It's not right. It's like an old sea turtle dating a suitcase that fell out of a plane.
 * Marge: Be nice, Homer. Don't you see how great it is that they found each other? Like how the parts of a pig that nobody wants combine to make a yummy hot dog.
 * Homer: Oh, now you're dragging hot dogs into this. Real classy, Marge. Real classy.


 * Homer: How could my dad go out with Selma? Don't those two gargoyles know that love is for good-looking young people?
 * Moe: Uh, gee, Homer, you, uh, ain't exactly open-casket material yourself.


 * Patty: Look, if you wanna break up your father and Selma, I have a plan. But it involves you.
 * Homer: Okay, I'm not good at details. Or the big picture. I also show up late, and drunk. (he shakes her hand and whispers loudly) I've got a good feeling about this.


 * Delivery man: I shall go. But I will return with an army of my brethren. And together we shall take back what is ours and Hell will rain down upon you!
 * Lisa: What if we're not here?
 * Delivery man: We will come two more times, and then you'll have to come to our customer center.


 * Patty: Do you have your disguise?
 * Homer: Hola, I am Esteban de la Sexface. That means Stephen of the Sexface.


 * Grampa: Homer! Why would you try to break us up!?
 * Homer: I guess I always dreamed that my father would grow old alone.
 * Grampa: Well, nerts to both of ya! Our love is so strong, not even a thousand crazy schemes could tear it apart!
 * Homer: A thousand, eh?


 * Selma: Sorry I was at work so late. How'd it go with the baby?
 * Grampa: We're having a great time. I cleaned up all my best war stories for her. I told her how we chased the teddy bears into their cuddle bunkers, then had to tickle them out with machine-hugs and fun-throwers. They say the more soldiers you tickle, the easier it gets. Well, sir, it doesn't.


 * Male assistant: The new traffic cones are held up in Harrisburg.
 * Selma: Go to the costume store. Buy a hundred wizard hats and a bucket of orange paint.


 * Selma: I guess The Beatles were wrong... love isn't all you need. Abe, I hate to admit it, but maybe this marriage isn't going to work.
 * Grampa: I guess you're right. Also, I didn't realize you liked The Beatles. That would have caused some problems down the line.