Grampa's Christmas Origins: Christmas Cookies

"Santa went on a cookie bender and died from obesity, rendering the cookies-and-milk tradition a morbid reminder of how truly evil orphans can be!"

- Abraham Simpson

Grampa's Christmas Origins: Christmas Cookies is a The Simpsons Winter Wingding story that appears in.

Synopsis
Grampa tells the story of how a group of orphans started the custom of leaving cookies out for Santa Claus.

Plot
It's Christmas Eve at the Simpson home. Bart and Lisa are leaving milk and cookies out for Santa Claus, even though Bart is decidedly unimpressed with Lisa's selections of vegan carob chip cookies and unsweetened soy milk. They are surprised to find Grampa sitting in the chair next to the fireplace. He calls the cookies-for-Santa tradition malarkey, then tells how the tradition got started.

The setting changes to Christmas Eve in an orphanage "back in the olden days", most likely the 1920s. In residence are the old-time counterparts of Milhouse and the school bullies (Nelson, Dolph, Jimbo and Kearney). Milhouse says that he's sure to get the best toy because of the candy cane flambé cake he has made for Santa. The bullies, however, make fun of his cake and say that his idea is crazy because Santa will be too busy to stop and eat.

Later that night, Santa arrives. Milhouse shyly offers the cake (which is still ablaze) to Santa, and Santa eagerly takes a bite. The flaming cake sets Santa's mouth on fire, and he drops the cake and starts jumping around and screaming. The commotion wakes up the bullies, and they quickly go into action: Jimbo stands behind Santa and holds him upright; Dolph douses the flames by pouring a glass of milk into Santa's mouth; Kearney stands ready with a bottle of milk; and Nelson holds up a plate full of cookies and offers one to Santa.

After Santa has the milk and cookies, things calm down. He is grateful for the bullies' help ("You boys saved Christmas!") and promises to give them his best toys and find them new families. However, he is angry with Milhouse, calls him "Bakey McTongue-Torcher", and says he will get "a lifetime of unfulfilled hopes and dreams".

By next Christmas, Grampa says, everyone in the world was leaving cookies out for Santa. The "Cookie Initiative" was declared and Fatty Arbuckle became its national spokesman. This led to the "Great Cookie Prohibition of 1929", and cookies were not seen again until 1987, when Geraldo Rivera opened Al Capone's vault. The scene shifts back to the present as Grampa finishes the story: After the reappearance of cookies in 1987, "Santa went on a cookie bender and died from obesity, rendering the cookies-and-milk tradition a morbid reminder of how truly evil orphans can be!" (Ironically, he says this just as he finishes the vegan cookies and soy milk that Bart and Lisa had brought for Santa.)

Annoyed, Bart and Lisa walk away. Lisa asks if Grampa will try to ruin every Christmas tradition with his stories. In response, Bart grimly reminds her that Grampa also has theories on Easter, evolution and Kevin James's career.