Bart's Dog Gets an "F"/Quotes


 * [Marge is at a typewriter]

Homer, can't we place this ad after the dog fails his test? No, we have to commit ourselves! Now take this down: 'Free to loving home, world's most brilliant dog. Says I love you on command.' [grumbles] Type, type!


 * [Mrs. Winthrop's office. Bart enters with a leashed Santa's Little Helper.]

Mrs. Winthrop, may I have a minute of your time?
 * [Mrs. Winthrop motions for Bart to have a seat.]

Look, I was thinking, since you are paid whether Santa's Little Helper fails or passes, why not just pass my dog anyway? Oh I get it. Lick a stamp on it, thank you very much, next please! Yup! [sighing] Heavens to Murgatroyd! Bart, perhaps I cling to the old ways like a well-chewed shoe while the traditions I was weaned on are either neutered or put to sleep one by one.
 * [Bart stares at her blankly as if she implies resignation]

[stern tone] But my time has not yet passed! The world does not need another college graduate who does not know how to sit!
 * [Santa's Little Helper fails to respond to the command]

Pull the chain. What? Correct the dog. I do not want to strangle my dog. PULL THE BLOODY CHAIN, BOY!
 * [An intimidated Bart pulls Santa's Little Helper's leash, who yelps then collapses on the floor.]

I am sorry, boy. It is not your fault you are so dumb.


 * [Homer is with a grizzled farmer, who is testing Santa's Little Helper by grabbing underneath his legs.]

I do not want to give him up, but I am moving to a foreign country where dogs are forbidden. No problem, I can put him to good use on my farm. You know, other farmers say only mules can pull plows. Impatient people would not make a dog do it. Patient people know otherwise.

Mmm, Lisa, you don't look well. I'll make it Mom. Just tape my lunchbox to my hand.

[Calls out to Marge who is upstairs.] Marge, the dog is hungry! [Yells back] Well, then, feed him! Yes, master.

No way! She's faking! If Lisa stays home, I stay home. If Bart stays home, I'm going to school. Fine. Then...wait a minute. If Lisa goes to school, then I go to school. But then, Lisa stays home, so I stay home. So, Lisa goes to school. Lisa, don't confuse your brother like that.

Lisa, you wasted chicken pox. Don't waste the mumps!

[to Santa's Little Helper] You! Wandering mongrel! Get out of my Mom and Pop operation.

I guess you'll be missing a week of school, young lady. Oh no. I don't want to fall behind my class. Ho ho ho. Oh, such responsibility for such a little girl.

[on the phone with Lisa at work] Y'ello? Hi, Lisa, what's wrong? The mumps? Ooh, the kissing disease.

''[while on the phone with Mrs. Winfield after she complains about Santa's Little Helper in her pool]: Are you losing your hearing, or are you just stupid? I am going to explain this to you one more time, and then I'm going to hang up on you. It is not my dog! I tied my dog outside myself! I am looking at him right-- [looks into the backyard and sees the dog missing] D'oh!

Here's your stupid homework.
 * [Bart hands Lisa her homework.]

Ooh! [Shuffling through the papers] Phonics, functions, vocabulary... remedial reading? Oh, do your own homework, Bart! D'oh!


 * [Homer walks by the Cookie Colossus store in the mall.]

Aloha! Well, aloha! Would you like a free sample? [Offers Homer some cookies on a tray.] The price is right. [Eats a cookie.] Mmm! Ooh! Macamademia nuts.


 * [Bart notices Homer’s new shoes.]

Whoa! Assassins! Yep. Heh, heh. Read ‘em and weep. Those are very elaborate sneakers. They better be, for 125 big ones. D'oh! $125! Bart! [reaches down to choke Bart.] Aah! Homer! D'oh! I thought we agreed to consult each other before any major purchases. Well, you bought all those smoke alarms, and we haven't had a single fire. Hmmm!

[on I Can't Believe They Invented It on TV] As an actor, my eyeballs need to look their whitest!

Oh, Homer, there seems to be a lot of good obedience schools here. Oh, school, right, yeah, that's your answer to everything.

How can we tell if we're doing this maneuver effectively? The dog's eyes will cross, and his tongue will protrude and change color, ever so slightly. Is my dog dead, ma'am? Ah ha ha, you don't know how often I'm asked that. Choke chain is a misnomer. Trust me. They are always breathing.


 * [While Marge and Lisa are watching a soap opera on TV]

Gee, is it always this good? Mmm. I don't know. I just dip in and out. I'm only watching today because Randi is coming out of a coma, and she knows the phony prince's body is hidden in the boat house.


 * [on the TV soap opera]

Father McGrath, I thought you were dead. [looking crazed] I was!

[when Homer tries to return his damaged Assassians shoes] I'm sorry, sir, our warranty doesn't cover fire, theft, or acts of dog.

Look Mom, I've finished my patch. It depicts the two greatest musical influences in my life. [coughs] On the left is Mr. Largo, my music teacher at school? He taught me that even the noblest concerto can be drained of its beauty and soul. And on the right is Bleeding Gums Murphy. He taught me that music is a fire in your belly that comes out of your mouth, so you better stick an instrument in front of it.


 * [Marge, Lisa and Homer discover what Santa's Little Helper has done.]

[Scream in unison] My quilt! Six generations, ruined! [Sobs] [consoles Marge] Now, Marge, honey. Honey, honey. Come on. Come on. Don't get upset. It's not the end of the world. We all loved that quilt, but you can't get too attached to--
 * [Homer sees the remains of his cookie.]

[Screams] My cookie! [Sobs hysterically] Oh, this is not happening. This is not happening!

Everybody in the kitchen. We're having a family meeting. We never had a family meeting before. We never had a problem with a family member we can give away before.

[pleading to keep Santa's Little Helper] This is our pet. We can question his integrity and disposition, but we can’t question his heart. Are you trying to teach us that the way to solve a problem with something you love, is to throw it away? [sniffling] Oh, Lisa. If they’re ever going to pull the plug on me, I want you in my corner, honey. [hugs Lisa]


 * [Bart and Santa's Little Helper perform for Emily Winthrop at the dog obedience school.]

Now, sit! I said, sit! [Santa's Little Helper walks away.] Um, take a walk. Sniff that other dog's butt. (To Emily) See? He does exactly what I tell him.


 * [Bart tries to teach Santa's Little Helper at dog obedience school.]

See, boy? It's not so hard. Here. Roll over. Roll over! Like this. [Bart rolls over.] Congratulations, sonny. You've earned a toffee. [Tosses Bart a toffee.] Oh, thank you! [under his breath.] Moldy old maid.


 * [Homer fields a phone call from someone interested in buying Santa's Little Helper.]

Oh no, we'd never give him away. But we're moving to another country where dogs are forbidden. [Pause] Hear what? [Pause] Oh, sure. Come here, boy! Put that prowler down! Come here! Come on, boy! [Pants into the phone like a dog.] Say it, boy. Say I love you for the nice man. [In a dog's voice] I wuv you! [Pulls the phone away from his mouth.] Good dog! Good doggie! [Puts phone back near his mouth.] Isn't that amazing? See you soon! [Hangs up phone.] Whoo-hoo!


 * [Santa's Little Helper passes dog obedience school.:'

You son of a bitch! Good show!