The Parent Rap/Quotes

Hey, knock it off! These pants cost $600. Really? Yeah, they're Italian. [points a gun at Homer] All right, hand 'em over. Moe, what the-- Yeah, I rob now.

Say, is that our house? I don't think our house has a steeple. Oh yeah. I forget things sometimes.

Grand theft auto?! It was an accident, ma'am! Don't spit on my cupcake and tell me it’s frosting! [angrily] What did she say about cupcakes?

You there! Put your hands up! Me? Okay. Now, drop your pants! But my hands are up. Hula out of them! Alright, officer.

Well, I thought Dad was the problem, but apparently Mom is no prize pig herself. It's a miracle poor Bartholomew isn't robbing banks and chasing sweet Lady H. I'm a latchkey kid. You are not!

Come on, Dad. I got to go to the bathroom. Oh, I just got comfortable! Use the bottle. No! I don't want you going in a bottle. That's what hobos do! Come on, Homer! No! Mom! Aw geez, Homer, just take him to the bathroom! Fine! I don't know why we even have a bottle! Somebody tell me!

The town keeps getting bigger. Will there always be enough electricity? [laughs] Ah, son, you know that's none of your business.

Sir, you are not a size 4. I used to be! [starts crying]

You have got a boy here who is crying out for adult supervision! I couldn't agree more. Perhaps some sort of court-appointed babysitter or au pair? Sorry, bub, that crow won't caw. It won't?

I love our court days. It's about the only thing we do as a family anymore.

If we're late for school, we'll miss our free federal breakfast. Big deal! It's just saltines and fig paste. Ewww! Saltines!

[to Bart] According to this, your father was driving you to school. Then where was he when you stole the police car? Uh, your honor? I was chasing the KBBL Party Penguin Price Patrol. You abandoned your son to win forty dollars!? And a Blue Oyster Cult medallion [takes out the medallion] Cool. And that was more important than keeping your son out of trouble? Your honor, if I may sing a little bit of, Don't Fear The Reaper, I think you'll agree that-- I'm familiar with B.O.C.!


 * [Homer, tethered to Bart, enters Moe's.]

Hey, hey, no kids in the bar. Since when? Oh, the heat's been on since them Bush girls were in here.


 * [Lisa comments on Homer being tethered to Bart.]

Creative sentencing is common these days. That's why Bill Clinton is our mailman.

Not only that, you are horrible parents, you're also violent criminals. I'm going to have you two locked up 'til frogs do fractions. Your Honor, may I say something? Well, it is highly unorthodox... so no! Please, your Honor? Oh, I can't resist that look. You remind me of me when I was a little boy. Your Honor, it's not easy being my parents. I'm always screwing up in school and getting in trouble with the law. But if I grow up to be a halfway decent person, I know it will be because of my Mom and Dad. Everyone else might give up on me, but my parents never will. [proudly] Thats my brother. Um, did she just say she used to be a dude?

Judge, please don't send my boy to juvie. He's just weak, both morally and in the upper body.

I hereby order you to be tethered to your son. Tethered? Tethered. Report to room 5. Room 5?


 * [Marge has cut the tether and triggered the alarm and Judge Harm's image appears out of the tether.]

That's right it's me, Judge Harm, through the magic of fiber optics. Hey, hey, hey, h-how about that? Huh, huh? Quiet, tubsy. You violated my order. But Constance, it only happened because-- Hey, hey, if I want a cock and bull story, I'll read Hemingway.


 * [Watching Judge Harm on television.]

Of course she's never had children, look at how high and firm her breasts are!