Margical History Tour/Quotes

"Everybody Poops: The Video"? "Yu-Gi-Oh! Price Guides"? There are hardly any books at all! No books? But Krabappel wants a paper on ]Henry the Eighth -- and I have to score at least a pumpkin sticker or better on it.

Her majesty, Margarine of Aragon! What are you doing out of bed? I just planted my seed in your womanly dirt. Your Majesty, I know you want a son, but must we discuss my womb in front of the entire court? As Royal physician it is my learned opinion that her womb is filled with sea serpents.

[talking in his sleep] Must sire a dude. Must sire a dude. [in dream bubble] Father dearest, I am the son you crave! I'm smart, athletic and ever so masculine. Could a girl belch like this? [belches] [moans] My beautiful boy! Why can't I have you? I'unno. Too much jerkin' your merkin? Why you little...! Get out of my dreams and into my wife!

I could have married the King of France. He wasn't so preoccupied with procreation. Ting-a-ling-a-ling. Know what I mean?

Oh, look at me -- I eat and eat and eat, and I never get any thinner! Well, there's more of you to worship, oh sire. Who would dare to flatter a King? Anne Boleyn -- loyal subject, big fan. "Modern Wench" Magazine dubbed me "Anne of the Child-Bearing Hips." Yes. Wide hips indeed... my son could cartwheel out!

Divorce? Sire, there's no such thing in the Cath-diddly-atholic Church. But it's the only church we've got, so what are you gonna do? I'll start my own church. Wha? Yes, my own church. Where divorce will be so easy, more than half of marriages will end in it. Your Majesty, I work for the Pope. And I think a celibate Italian weirdo knows a lot more about marriage than you. I understand. And because you stuck to your principles, I'm going to canonize you.
 * [Cut to a castle turret where Thomas More is shot out of a cannon.]

I can see my house!

Sweetie, sometimes a daddy and a mommy decide to live apart. It's not your fault, it's just that you came out the wrong sex and ruined everything. So grow a penis or get lost.

And by the power vested in me by you just now, I pronounce you King and trophy Queen. In the name of the Henry, the Hank and the Holy Harry. Amen. Henry.

Your head lives for five seconds afterwards, so I left a magazine in the basket. Ooh! My horoscope! "Today will bring welcome new changes into your life." Wrong!

[disgusted] Why on earth did I marry you? My track record! I've had ten sons. Now take a ride on the king-maker!

Long have we awaited the coming of the White Man, and Carl. Thanks, and welcome to the United States of America. Have a flag. And while you're at it, cover your nakedness and worship our lord. Yeah, yeah, I'll get right on it. Now in order to aid your journey across the land, I offer you the guidance of my daughter, Sacagawea. In our language, her name means "Little Know-It-All Who Won't Shut Her Maize Hole."

I will be happy to help the Americans. [lying] Of course I will be sad to leave my husband, the French fur trader, Charbonneau. I will come with you. Because by myself, the darkness, she scares me. I don't know why I ever sold you to him.

Okay, those berries are poison, those leaves are poison oak and your belt is a snake, also poisonous. I'll tell you what's poisonous, your attitude. [drops to the ground] You know you... I'm dying. But at least people will always remember the expedition of Lewis and Clark and Tweedleburger.

At last, the Pacific Ocean. That's a mud puddle. Some of us find solutions instead of just pointing out problems. How did you two ever get to be explorers? We got the job because we own a compass. It turns out the needle was just painted on.

Wow, the Columbia River! Now we just ride this baby down to the Pacific, and get us some sweet mermaid sex. For the last time, those are salmon.

Bart, what famous historical figure do you want to write about? I'unno. The boogeyman? C'mon, Bart -- we can make this fun. History's like an amusement park, except instead of rides, you have dates to memorize. Mom, everyone who ever lived is boring.

Papa, let me be the headliner. I always show up on time and I close the piano lid ever so softly. Oh little Salieri, why don't you go play with the other three untalented members of our family..., and Jermaine.

Sally, no one practices as hard as you -- but it's your brother who keeps us in lead-based face powder.

Don't you have music to write? I'm doing it right now. I call this my "Symphony In Gee, My Sister Sucks."

Oh, Mozart, I know you are gravely ill. So I've brought you the very finest doctor in all of Austria. Guten Tag, everybody! Guten Tag, Doctor Nick. I can tell from here you have too much blood. Let's get you covered in leeches! [covers Mozart in leeches] Don't be shy, eat the little boy. Now in the morning you'll be good as new or dead. But the important thing is, we'll know.

Mozart, you can't die. I don't want to live in a world without... the income you produce. I'll never forget when you were a little baby, and I sang you the lullabies you wrote.