Marge Be Not Proud/Quotes


 * [Walking by The Android's Dungeon, Bart sees a sign advertising Bonestorm for 99¢ and goes into the shop.]

[dumping money on counter] I want to buy a copy of Bonestorm. Here's 99 cents. Allow me to summarize the proposed transaction. You wish to purchase Bonestorm for 99 cents. Net profit to me, negative fifty-nine dollars. What that means is this.
 * [Comic Book Guy opens the cash register.]

[continuing, sarcastically] Oh, oh, please, take my fifty-nine dollars. I don't want it. It's yours.
 * [Bart reaches for the cash drawer.]

Ah, ah, ah! It seems we are unfamiliar with sarcasm. I shall close the cash register at this point [he does so] and state that ninety-nine cents is the rental price. Oh, then may I please rent it? Please? No, you may not. I am all out. Though I do have a surprising abundance of Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge.


 * [At the Try-N-Save, Bart sees Jimbo Jones and Nelson Muntz with items from the store concealed under their clothes.]

Are you guys shoplifting? Four-finger discount, dude. Shoplifting is a victimless crime, like punching someone in the dark.


 * [After catching Bart shoplifting, store detective Don Brodka makes him watch a video titled Shoplifters BEWARE, starring none other than... ]

Hi, I'm Troy McClure. You might remember me from such public service videos as 'Designated Drivers: The Lifesaving Nerds' and 'Phony Tornado Alarms Reduce Readiness.' I'm here today to give you the skinny on shoplifting, thereby completing my plea bargain with the good people at of Beverly Hills.

Hey I thought Krusty was Jewish. Christmas is the time of year when people of all religions come together to worship Jesus Christ.

So tell your folks, "Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell!"

Buy me Bonestorm or go to Hell! Bart! Young man, in this house, we use a little word called "please". It's the coolest video game ever! I'm sorry, honey, but those games cost up to and including $70. And they're violent, and they distract you from your schoolwork. Those are all good points, but the problem is, they don't result in me getting the game. I know how you feel, Bart. When I was your age, I wanted an electric football game more than anything in the world. And my parents bought it for me, and it was the happiest day of my life. [pause] Well, good night.

Gavin, don't you already have this game? No, Mom, you idiot! I have Bloodstorm, and Bone Squad, and Bloodstorm II, stupid. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. We'll take a Bonestorm. Get two. I'm not sharing with Caitlin!
 * [Employee gets two of the same one.]

[dreamy] That must be the happiest kid in the world.

[seeing Bart get escorted by security guard] That boy's parents made some terrible mistakes! Shut up, Mom!

This is great... and all I've done is enter my name! "Thrillhouse".
 * [Screen shows "WELCOME THRILLHO".]

(Walking in) Say, cool dude, can I play too? (scrambling) Uh, uh, it's only a one player game. Then how come it says "Second player score"?
 * [Pause.]

Mom! Bart's swearing!

Go ahead-a, Bart, take-a the Bonestorm. The store, she's so rich. She'll-a never notice. Duh, it's the company's fault for making you want it so much. Don't do it, son. How's that game going to help your putting? Just take it! Take it, take it, take it, take it, take it. Take it!

[to Bart] I'm calling your parents! Hello, Mr. and Mrs. Simpson? This is detective Don Brodka from Try-N-Save security. That's right, Don Brodka. Your son Bart has been caught shoplifting. Uh huh. Yeah, it's a shame, I know, but... well, try and have a merry Christmas. (Hangs up) They weren't home, uh huh. But I left a message on their answering machine, that's right.

Hey, kid: one more thing. If you ever set foot in this store again, you'll be spending Christmas in juvenile hall. Capisce?... Well, do you understand? Everything except "capisce".

[racing home] Gotta change that answering machine tape. Oh God, I gotta change the tape! Gotta change Maggie, dear God, we gotta change Maggie!

Hmm… we didn't have a message when we left. How very odd. [singing] Hello, Muddah, hello, Faddah. Here I am at Camp Granada. Marge, is Lisa at Camp Granada?

Please, Bart, no more pranks. It would mean so much to me if we could have just one nice family photo.
 * [Shot of family photo with crosseyed Bart.]
 * [Shot of family photo with Bart wearing a mustache.]
 * [Shot of family photo with Bart holding an "I stink!" speech balloon next to Homer.]

Hey, I don't remember saying that!

[smiling nervously] So we're just going to do this photo and get out, right? Budda bing, budda boom. I want to look at the pets, and write things on the typewriters, and see if the new dictionaries are in! OK. I want to price some flip flops, and smell the new tires, and consult the pharmacist for some free medical advice! Sure! We're going to have a great day. Budda bing, budda boom, right, Bart?

How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain Whatshisname? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those "Police Academy" movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing! Did you?! Except at that guy who made sound effects. [Homer makes some and laughs to himself] Where was I? Oh yeah: stay out of my booze.

Man, I thought Mom was going to scream me stupid. She didn't even raise her voice. I admit I haven't known Mom as long as you have, but I know when she's really upset. Her heart won't just wipe clean like this bathroom countertop: it absorbs everything that touches it, like this bathroom rug. [looks at rug] Really? You think this might be one of those forever-type things? [with her mouth full] I don't know.

[in Lisa's room; singing] Lisa's on a Sleepy Train, To rest her weary head. Her ticket is a candy cane, Made out of gingerbread. [giggles] Good night, Mom. Good night, sweetheart. [footsteps] Oh, great. The Tuck-In Express is right on time. [standing in Bart's doorway] Good night. [shuts door]

I've figured out the boy's punishment. First, he's grounded. No leaving the house, not even for school. Second, no egg nog. In fact, no nog, period. And third, absolutely no stealing for 3 months. I always thought I understood my special little guy, but somewhere along the road, his hand slipped away from mine. [looks at a handprint of "Bart, age 4"] Ehh, what are you going to do? [pause] Mmm. He's not my little baby any more. Maybe I mother him too much.

[hurt] Hey, Mom, you didn't wake me up. Here's your hot chocolate. [looking at other cups] You didn't put my marshmallow in. I think you're old enough to do it yourself now. OK, I can handle that. [puts a marshmallow in; it absorbs all the hot chocolate; dumps it out on a plate and uses a knife and fork on it] Hey! Give me a slice.

Hey, how come you're not playing Bonestorm? Ehh, it got boring. I'm really into this cup and ball now. [starts playing with it] Whoa! Wow! [laughs] Man, you never know which way this crazy ball's going to go! [laughs] Yeah, right. You're just trying to trick me because you don't want me playing with your video game. Here, go ahead. [gives him the cartridge] No. Let me try the cup and ball. Get your own! Come on, don't be a cup and ball hog! Hey! Give it. That's mine! [they struggle for it, yelling at each other] Mom! Bart's smoking!

Oh, hey! That's Mom. She's happy again![runs to the yard] [perturbed] You guys made a snowman family? Check it out, boy: it's like looking into a living snow mirror. [snow Homer has hair and large muscles] Why didn't you wait for me? I didn't think you'd mind. I figured you were getting a little too old for this. But you can still make one: there's some snow left under the car. [the snow is all dirty and disgusting]


 * [Bart walks in]

There you are. You can help me spray the cookies! [Bart looks at her] Are you hiding something? What do you have under your jacket? Nothing! Oh, Bart, not again. Give it to me! I told you, I don't have anything! [runs off] You can't hide from me in this house, Bart. I spend 23 hours a day here. [blocking a door] Hee hee hee. Get 'im, Ma. There's no place left to run, Bart. Hand it over. [he gives her a picture in a frame] Oh, Bart: I can't believe you did this. [the picture is Bart smiling; a receipt says "Paid in full"] I wanted to surprise you for Christmas. Oh, sweetie, this is the best present a mother could get. [showers Bart with kisses] I love you so much, my little bitty Barty. [bashful] Mom...
 * [Marge puts the new picture atop the old picture, blocking out Bart in the old picture]


 * [Bart plays Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge on his computer]

Welcome to Lee Carvallo's Putting Challenge. I am Carvallo. Now, choose a club. [beep] You have chosen a three wood. May I suggest a putter? [beep] Three wood. Now enter the force of your swing. I suggest feather touch. [beep, beep, beep] You have entered "power drive". Now, push seven eight seven to swing. [beep beep beep] [the animated golfer swings, and the ball bounces into the parking lot] Ball is in... parking lot. Would you like to play again? [beep] You have selected, "No."