Springfield Up/Quotes

Homer: It's been another 8 years, and what do I have? Same job, same house, same dirty joke book. (he reads) Ha ha ha, I just thought for once I could be the cool guy in your movie, but all I am is the guy who makes everyone else look good.

Moe: My dad was a circus freak, but my mom don't remember which one. I like to think it was a little bit of all of them.

Homer: I will be rich. I'll own a football team and a basketball team and I'll make them play baseball.

Declan Desmond: I can't believe it! Homer Simpson! A bloody millionaire!

Homer: Why do you sound so surprised? This is our fifth take.

Marge: Homer! Don't kill the foreign man!

Homer: Relax Marge. I wasn't going to kill him. (knives drop out of Homer's shirt and pants.)

Young Homer: When I grow up, I'm gonna have a giant mansion, a pinball machine with infinity quarters, eight pairs of peanut butter and jelly pajamas… how many wishes do I have left?

Declan Desmond: None. You never had any. I'm not a genie.

Young Homer: D'oh!

Declan Desmond: Now Homer, your dreams will take a lot of money and, don't look at me, look at the camera.

Young Homer: Got it.

Declan Desmond: I said look at the camera.

(Homer looks down)

Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at a mud puttle.

(Homer looks at his left hand)

Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at your hand!

(Homer looks to the right.)

Declan Desmond: Now you're looking at the production company!

(Homer looks at his other hand)

Declan Desmond: That's your other hand! Do you even know what a camera is?

Young Homer: What! Of course I, um, no.

Declan Desmond: Ok, I'm going to put this squeaky toy on top of the camera.

(Homer's head goes up as the toy squeaks)

Young Homer: Oh! Squeaky! Squeaky! Squeaky squeaky squeaky!

Homer: (to Marge) All those years I was dreaming of other things, I was actually doing what I really wanted: hanging out with my family, drinking with my friends, making friends with my family and hanging with my drinking.

Homer: Oh! This is Eduardo. He's the pool boy. He thinks he's an angry old rich man.

Mr. Burns: I am an angry old rich man!

Homer: (whispers) That's the pool chemicals talking.

Marge: The biggest change for me over the last 8 years… that's gotta be Homer.

Homer: Marge, baby, I got a picture of you tattooed on my chest! (he opens his shirt to reveal a skull with Marge's hairdo) They had a sale on skulls.

Young Carl: I wish for world peace.

Young Barney: I wish for world war.

Young Carl: That would be cooler.

Homer: I do open-casket caricatures. (looking at a man in a casket) Did he have any hobbies?

Widow: Get out of here!

(Bart and Lisa ride dolphins)

Bart: Mine has a cup holder!

Lisa: That's a blowhole!

Bart: You're a blowhole!

Ned Flanders: (about Homer) He's the kindest, sweetest, most generous guy who ever drove through my living room.

Chief Wiggum: As you can see, I've gotten everything I ever wanted.

Lou: Except pants that fit.

Declan Desmond: (to Homer and Marge) Are you two considering children?

Homer: Pfft. Kids? No way. You won't see a couple of rugrats tying me down. (cut to eight years later, Homer and Marge with baby Bart and Lisa) You better not put this shot after the one where I said I won't have kids. That would be a devastating edit.

Homer: Find me a Christmas goose.

Declan Desmond: If this bunny was going to be boiled, I'd have to turn up the heat.