Separate Vocations/Quotes

Dear Log: This will be my last entry. For you were a journal of my hopes and dreams, and now I have none.

Here's your scientifically selected career. Architect? Aink-surance salesman? Salmon gutter? Military strongman! [talking to himself while crossing his fingers] Systems analyst. Systems analyst. Systems analyst. All right! Homemaker? Mm-hm. It's like a mommy. Police officer? Well, I'll be jiggered. I am going to be blunt with you, Bart. Before this test, I was thinking you would become a drifter. A drifter? Even better!
 * [Bart imagines himself as a full-grown man. He is scruffy, unkempt, and smoking a cigarette while trying to hitchhike in the rain.]

[talking to himself] That lousy sheriff thinks he can banish me from his town? Well, I ought to go back and teach him a lesson about the right to travel!


 * [Lisa plays a saxophone solo for a jazz musician.]

I did not like it. Oh! How come? The playing was good, but unfortunately you have a disabling condition known as "stubbiness". Your fingers are too short. It mostly is found on the father's side.
 * [Simpsons residence. Homer drops a can of beer.]

D'oh! Stupid stubby fingers!

Some sick individual has stolen every "Teacher's Edition!" What do we do? Declare a snow day! Does anyone know the multiplication table?
 * [Teacher #3 is in class smoking a cigarette appearing nervous to his class.]

Have I ever told any of you about the 1960s?

Now sprinkle your sparkles on your paste. Lisa, you're not sprinkling your sparkles. Shove it.

Bart, why did you take the blame? Because I didn't want you to wreck your life. You got the brains and the talent to go as far as you want. And when you do, I'll be right there to borrow money.

Well, I'm going to be a famous jazz musician. I've got it all figured out. I'll be unappreciated in my own country, but my gutsy blues stylings will electrify the French. I'll avoid the horrors of drug abuse, but I do plan to have several torrid love affairs, and I may or may not die young. I haven't decided.

You know, your father wanted to be a policeman for a little while, but they said he was too heavy. No, the Army said I was too heavy. The police said I was too dumb.

This is a great day for me. I thought I could never teach again! Oh, things have changed. There will be no mockery of your name, Mr. Glasscock.

Some of you may discover a wonderful vocation you'd never even imagined. Others may find out life isn't fair, in spite of your Masters from Bryn Mawr, you might end up a glorified babysitter to a bunch of dead-eyed fourth graders while your husband runs naked on a beach with your marriage counselor!

Your punishment is 400 days detention. I could easily do that on my head. 500 days! Oh, ho ho. 600 days! Maybe I should keep my big mouth shut.

Bart Simpson on the side of law and order? Has the world gone topsy-turvy? That's right, man. I got my first taste of authority. [rubs his hands] And I liked it!

Bart's grades are up a little this term, but Lisa's are way down. We always have one good kid and one lousy kid. Why can't both our kids be good? We have three kids, Homer. Marge, the dog doesn't count as a kid!

Now put paste on your paper. Ralph, are you eating your paste? [a gluestick is poking out of his mouth] No, Miss Hoover.

[to Bart] The school is a police state. Students are afraid to sneeze. And I have you to thank.

Seymour, this is an absent slip signed by Nelson's mother. And this is Nelson's English homework. Notice the identical elongated loops on the d's. Forgery! So he didn't have leprosy!

Lisa, what nineteenth-century figure was named 'Old Hickory'? I don't know. You? Lisa, if you'd bothered to do the assignment, you'd know the answer is... [flips to the answers] The Battle of New Orleans. I mean, Andrew Jackson. Well, you're earning your $18 grand a year.

Children, I know this is highly irregular, but for the rest of the uh, day, Martin will be teaching this class. I will? But I wouldn't know where to begin. Just do it, brainiac!

Seymour, I'll bet you a steak dinner those books are still here. All we have to do is search every locker. Oh, Bart, I'm not sure random locker searches are permitted by the Supreme Court. Pfffffft. Supreme Court. What have they done for us lately? Let's move.