Funeral for a Fiend/Quotes


 * Sideshow Bob: "Let's not tarry. As Shakespeare said, "If it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere best it were done quickly." Power on! [turns on the laptop and laughs maniacally] This time I've made no mistakes."
 * Lisa: "Actually, you made one. What Shakespeare really said was, "'Twere well it were done quickly.""
 * Sideshow Bob: Yes, I'm sure you've studied the immortal bard extensively under your "Miss Hoover." [leaves and shuts the door]"
 * Lisa: "Macbeth, act one, scene seven. Look it up."
 * Sideshow Bob: [re-enters] I shall! [takes the laptop] Come on, Wikipedia. Load, you unwieldy behemoth!
 * (laptop explodes, Bob falls to the ground)
 * Sideshow Bob: "Hoist on his own petard."
 * Lisa: "It's "hoist with his own petard.""
 * Sideshow Bob: "Oh, get a life."


 * Sideshow Bob: "Before you die, perhaps you'd like to know how I engineered my ultimate revenge."
 * Homer:" I'd like to know if Wes Doobner is aware of what you're doing in his restaurant!"
 * Sideshow Bob: "I'm Wes Doobner!"
 * Homer: "Mr. Doobner, I have a complaint: I work hard and when I go out with my family I expect a certain level of basic--"
 * Sideshow Bob: "Shut up!"


 * Kent Brockman: "America has a tradition of turning outlaws into legends after their deaths: Billie the Kid. Bonnie and Clyde. Jesus Christ."


 * (Krusty plays the piano and sings in mourning at Sideshow Bob's funeral.)
 * Krusty: [singing] "Farewell, Sideshow Bob
 * Your shoes are empty and the stage is dark.
 * Bart stole your nitroglycerin
 * And then your heart, it barked.


 * And it seems to me your loyal fans
 * Oughta buy this DVD
 * [Holds up a Best of Sideshow Bob DVD]
 * Of all your best-loved sketches
 * On The Krusty Show.


 * It's full of extra features
 * And deleted scenes.
 * Like when you fell and split your pants
 * And we saw your "Frank and Beans."


 * [At Cirucit Circus]
 * Homer: [to Bart] "Now ignore all the fancy shmancy thingamajigs, boy. We're just gonna get a camera battery and go home."
 * Salesman #1: "Interested in a car stereo?"
 * Homer: "No, thanks. Just here for a battery."
 * Salesman #2: "Big special on camcorders!"
 * Homer: "All I want is a battery."
 * Saleswoman: "Care to make love, sir?"
 * Homer: "Battery, battery, battery!"


 * [At Sideshow Bob's trial]
 * Sideshow Bob: Your Honor, I choose to represent myself. And let me say... I did try to kill the Simpsons. I truly did.
 * [The entire courtroom gasps in shock]
 * Prosecutor: [to Homer and Marge] Okay, if he doesn't say "but" right now, we are home free.
 * Sideshow Bob: But--
 * Prosecutor: Damn!


 * [The family watches a commercial for a new restaurant]
 * Wes Doobner: "Howdy, folks! Are tired of family arguments over where to go for dinner?"
 * Homer: "Sometimes I think about gettin' on a bus and never comin' back."
 * Wes Doobner: "Why not try Wes Doobner's World Famous Family Style Rib Huts? The rib joint with somethin' for everyone!"
 * Homer: "Good luck with my finicky appetite!"
 * Wes Doobner: "We've got ribs--"
 * Homer: "Sold!"
 * Wes Doobner: "Plain noodles."
 * [Marge sighs]
 * Wes Doobner: "With butter."
 * Marge: "Yowza!"
 * Wes Doobner: "Texas tofu!"
 * Lisa: "Yummy, yumma!"
 * Wes Doobner: "And the easiest place mat puzzle in the state."
 * Bart: "Let me at it!"


 * [Lisa explains how she figured out Sideshow Bob's scheme on the way to save Bart at the funeral home]
 * Lisa: "Bob planned this from the beginning."
 * Homer: "Uh-huh."
 * Lisa: "He wanted to be captured at the restaurant."
 * Homer: "Yes."
 * Lisa: "He would never get a Shakespeare quote wrong."
 * Homer:"No."
 * Lisa: "His mother was a Shakespearian actress."
 * Homer: "Oh, yeeh!"
 * Lisa: "His father was a doctor."
 * Homer: "A doctor, huh?"
 * Lisa: "So when Bob collaspsed in the courtroom..."
 * Homer: "I remember."
 * Lisa: "...his father could take that opportunity to inject Bob with a powerful drug that simulated death."
 * Homer: "Uh-huh."
 * Lisa: "It was a diabolical scheme and every member of his family played a part!"
 * Homer: "Are you done? 'Cause I've been circling the funeral home for 10 minutes."
 * Lisa: [Begrudgingly] "Yes."

[The Simpsons enter the church to say farewell to Sideshow Bob]
 * Homer: "I dont know about you, but I still can't stand him. [echoes] I still can't stand him, I still can't stand him."
 * [Everyone gasps]
 * Homer: "I don't care about these church jerks" [echoes]
 * Marge: "Homer, you're behaviour is hanus. [echoes] Anus, anus, anus."