Crook and Ladder/Quotes


 * Marge: Maggie, honey, this is for your own good. Growing up means giving up everything that makes you happy.
 * Grampa: It's true. I've given up everything but raisins. And the doctor says they're killin' me. Sweet, plump coffin nails is what they are.


 * Lisa: I can't believe you listened to this magazine. It's a Larry Flynt publication!
 * Marge: Lisa! Stop reading mastheads!
 * Lisa: I can't! I won't!


 * Marge: Homer, I think you dominoed this.
 * Homer: That's ridiculous! If I had to set up these dominoes, I'd be wearing my special domino-setting up kneepads.
 * (Homer pulls his pants up to reveal "Dominex" brand kneepads)
 * Marge: It was you!
 * Homer: How is that possible?
 * Lisa: I've read that people do strange things in their sleep when they've taken Ambien... I mean Nappien.


 * Homer: Okay, here's the solution. I want you kids to lock the bedroom from the outside, so I can't get out and perpetrate my nocturnal mischief.
 * Bart: Why don't you just stop taking the pills, you hophead?
 * Homer: Because I'm filled with stress! (he whacks Bart on the back of the head) Oh! I have three kids and no money. Why can't I have no kids and three money?


 * Bart: Why am I sleeping when right next door is every boy's dream; a fat, suggestible zombie dad.


 * Bart: Hey zombie... wanna come out and play?
 * Homer: Zombie kill.
 * Bart: No, play!
 * Homer: Zombie file grievance.


 * Homer: Oh my God! What have I done?!
 * Fireman: You horribly injured the whole fire department!
 * Homer: What are you, a travel agent? 'Cause your sending me on a guilty trip.
 * Fireman: Sorry.


 * Kent Brockman: Sir, how does it feel knowing that no one is coming to save you?
 * Man in burning building: Not as bad as knowing that somewhere, gays are marrying each other. That's the real emergency, Kent.
 * Kent Brockman: Once again, crisis has brought out the best in us.


 * Mayor Quimby: It is with great pride that I turn over the safety of this city to the first four people who showed up.
 * Homer: Mm-hmm.
 * Quimby: Your sense of civic duty and this pamphlet that came with the fire extinguisher are all the training you need or shall receive.
 * (Homer, Moe, Apu and Principal Skinner start to congratulate each other. Lenny and Carl run in)
 * Carl: We're here to join the volunteer fire department.
 * Moe: You're too late... beat it! (Carl and Lenny walk out sadly) Lousy civilians... I wish I could burn them all!
 * Quimby: Easy there, Fire Chief Moe.


 * Homer: Oooh, I can't wait until my first fire. (gasps) Is that one?
 * Lisa: That's just someone barbecuing.
 * Homer: Is that one?
 * Bart: That's a guy with red hair.


 * Marge: Just come back alive, okay?
 * Homer: Don't tell me how to do my job.


 * Rainier Wolfcastle: Oh, thank you. Your jaws of life are superior to my movie Jaws of Life. You guys are the real deal... as opposed to my movie The Real Deal which was not the real deal.
 * Moe: Well, uh, your thanks make it all worth it.
 * Rainier: No, I must thank you all properly, with crew jackets from my less successful films. (he begins handing out jackets) Total Explosion, Father of the Presi-bot, I Shoot Your Face, I Shoot Your Face Again, Frankenberry the Movie 2: The Frankenberry Wears Prada...


 * Marge: People just give you this stuff?
 * Homer: Hey, it's the least they can do after we saved them from being melty-faced weirdos.


 * Mr. Burns: Well done, gentlemen. Too bad Smithers didn't make it.
 * Smithers: I'm right here, sir.
 * Mr. Burns: Excellent. But since I thought you were dead, you won't get paid this week. Make a note of it.
 * Smithers: (grumbling) Well, that doesn't seem quite fair.


 * Mr. Burns: Go back to your tenements, where the O'Briens live next to the Goldbergs, who rub elbows with the Antonellis, and the only thing you have in common is the squalor of your chamber pot. Oh, how I hate you! Bye-bye.
 * (he shuts the door)
 * Apu: Of all the nerve.
 * Homer: Burns stiffed us!
 * Moe: I can't believe he acted completely in character.


 * Apu: Moe, are you suggesting that we should steal?
 * Moe: Whoa, whoa, whoa. It ain't stealin' if you take it fast.


 * Mr. Costington: Gentlemen, I'd like to thank you. You saved my store.
 * Homer: Well... most of it.
 * Costington: What do you mean?
 * Moe: Uh, well, your building will be fine, but unfortunately a lot of your merchandise was completely vaporised: high-end stereo equipment, size ten men's shoes...
 * Homer: And some stuff I wanted.


 * Homer: Oh, thank God, there's a fire. Marge's birthday is coming up.


 * Marge: Next time Maggie does that in a pool, tell me quietly. Don't announce it.
 * Lisa: But, Mom, the lifeguards have to know.
 * Marge: Just let the chemicals deal with it.


 * Marge: You're nothing but a diabolical master thief! The kind that haunts the slopes of Saint Moritz or the casinos of Monte Carlo.
 * Homer: We're not thieves, we're scavengers! Like the beautiful vulture, or the heroic tapeworm, or America's sweetheart, the maggot.


 * Homer: Moe, can we talk?
 * Moe: Are you crazy? It's 500 degrees in here! (he checks a thermometer) Oh no, wait, it's only 495. What's on your mind?
 * Homer: Moe, I think we may have perverted...
 * Moe: (excited) Go on...
 * Homer: Our duties as firemen.
 * Moe: (disappointed) Oh.


 * Homer: Moe, I can save you but you have to let go of the clock.
 * Moe: But it's been in my family for over 40 seconds!