Bart's Friend Falls in Love/Quotes

Mom, Dr. Monroe's subliminal tapes could help Dad lower his body fat. Oh, Lisa. I love your father for who he is. [whispering] Lisa, what is the number for the order line?
 * [Marge is takes an order]

Hello, I would like to get one of Dr. Monroe's subliminal tapes for my husband. Certainly. Do you want to get him the stop smoking, lose weight, learn all your state capitals or hostage negotiation?
 * [Marge suddenly imagines Homer at the airport outside a hijacked plane. He is wearing army fatigues and yelling through a bullhorn.]

OK Sabri, listen up! We are ignoring all your demands! Now what do you have to say about that?
 * [Terrorist sticks submachine gun out of plane hatch and guns down Homer. A frightened Marge returns to reality.]

Just the lose weight, please.

Now it's never easy to come to a new school, so let’s make her feel right at home. Please say a big elementary school hello to Samantha Stinky!
 * [Kids laugh.]

Stanky. Oh, right... how embarrassing for you.

I'm sure this is a little scary for you, dear. Uh huh. So, why don't you stand up in front of the class and tell us about yourself. I'll be grading you on grammar and poise.

We just moved here from Phoenix. My dad owns a home security company. He came to Springfield because of its high crime rate and lackluster police force. All my friends are back in Phoenix and this town has a weird smell that you're all probably used to...but I'm not. It'll take you about six weeks, dear.

Do you have any girl comics? Like "Bonnie Craine, Girl Attorney", "Punkin & Dunkin, The Twinkle Twins", or "Lil' Kneesocks"? No, but my sister's got a wide selection of crappy comics.

Bart, I don't want you to see me cry. Oh, come on, I've seen you cry a million times. You cry when you scrape your knee, you cry when they're out of chocolate milk, you cry when you're doing long division and you have a remainder left over.

Uh, that's a nice dress. My dad makes me wear it, I hate it! Well, I hate it too!

How would I go about creating a half-man half-apelike creature? I'm sorry, that would be playing God. God shmod! I want my monkey-man!

Class, in order to explain why your hormones will soon make you an easy target for every smooth-talking Lothario with his own car and tight jeans... I will now show a short sex-education film.

Hello, I'm actor Troy McClure. You kids might remember me from such educational films as "Lead Paint: Delicious, But Deadly" and "Here Comes the Metric System." I'm here to provide the facts about sex in a frank and straightforward manner. And now, here's "Fuzzy Bunny's Guide To You-Know-What".

That night came the honeymoon... Eeeeeew! She's faking it.

How do we know when we fall in love? Oh, don't you worry. Most of you will never fall in love and marry out of fear of dying alone.

Everybody on! No shoving! Hee, just kidding. You can shove all you want!

Hi. Hey, what's with the skirt? I've brought friends to this treehouse before. Yeah, but never a girl. What if I want to strut around nude?

Good evening. Did you know that 34 million American adults are obese? Putting together that excess blubber would fill the Grand Canyon two fifths of the way up. That may not sound impressive, but keep in mind it is a very big canyon.

[in a dream about Homer's funeral] I wish they had never invented fried cheese!

Dad, what if I told you you could lose weight without dieting or lifting a finger? I'd say you're a lying scumbag. Why, sweetie? According to "Eternity Magazine", you can lose weight through subliminal learning. That's where an idea is subtly implanted in your head without you even knowing it. Oh Lisa, that's a load of rich creamery butter.

They'll send you tapes you listen to while you sleep. As you hear New Age music, a powerful message goes to your brain telling you to eat less. Lose weight and listen to New Age music? Wow!

Homer, has the weight loss tape reduced your appetite? Ah, lamentably no. My gastronomic rapacity knows no satieties.

[about Milhouse and Samantha] All they do is kiss. How cute! They don't open their mouths, do they? No. How cute!

[to Bart] This is the first time anyone has ever sat next to me since I successfully lobbied to have the school day extended by 20 minutes!

[asks Magic 8 Ball] Let me try! Will I get beat up today? All signs point to yes. That ball knows everything. [punches him]

How could this happen? We started out like Romeo and Juliet but it ended up in tragedy!

Marge, where's that... metal... dee-ly... you use to... dig... food?

Hey Bart, according to this magazine, in another million years, man will have an extra finger! Five fingers... ooh, freak show!

[after Samantha is sent to Saint Sebastian School, an all-girls school] Hey, Samantha, I'm sorry about getting you thrown in the penguin house. That's all right, Bart. I love Saint Sebastian's. It's run by a group of French Canadian nuns. They're very nice, except they never let me out.

Bart, think I can ever find another one like her? You're asking the wrong guy, Milhouse. They all look alike to me. Now let's go whip donuts at old people.

Milhouse, I got a confession to make. I'm the one who narc'ed on your kissing. [shocked] What?! [Tackles Bart and they roll through the floor and Luann and Kirk enters the room seeing Milhouse fighting Bart.] Look, Milhouse is out of bed and full of beans. [pleased] Oh it's a miracle! [He and Luann shuts the door.]
 * [Bart reaches out to pick the Magic 8 ball and hits Milhouse with it and destroying it.]

[groaning] I bet the eight ball didn't see that one coming. [gasping] Yeah.